“Ubuhlungu bukwenza ube namandla, ukwesaba kukwenza ube nesibindi, futhi usizi lukwenza uhlakaniphe” - Ongaziwa. Noma ubani osho lokhu usishiye ngezeluleko eziphusile ezingakwazi ukuthola umuntu ezinsukwini zakhe ezimbi kakhulu ngemuva kobuhlungu benhliziyo. Yebo, ukubona ukuthi sekuphelile phakathi kwakho nomuntu obumthanda ngenhliziyo yakho yonke kubuhlungu kakhulu. Kubi kakhulu, ukuthi kungase kube sengathi ukuphela komhlaba. Kodwa yazini lokho, akubona bonke abalahlekile. Ngakho yeka ukuskrola kuphrofayela yabo yenkundla yezokuxhumana futhi uzidabukele. Namuhla, ungafunda ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze ngemva kokuhlukana.
Sebenzisa lesi seluleko ukuze uqale uhambo lwakho lwangemva kosizi, futhi uqhubeke uye phezulu. Siyayithola. Lapho umuntu obukade umthanda futhi umethemba ephula inhliziyo yakho, akukho okuzwakalayo. Uchitha izinsuku zakho uzama ukugcwalisa isikhala esingokomzwelo ngokudla, ukhalela amehlo akho, ubukele amafilimu enijwayele ukuwabuka ndawonye, futhi wenze noma yini ngaphandle kokuzama ukuqhubekela phambili nempilo yakho.
Ngempela, ukuqomisana ngemva kokuhlukana kungase kubonakale kuyinto yokugcina ofuna ukuyenza. Ukuqala ngobunono obunye ubuhlobo, uvulele omunye umuntu isifuba, bese inhliziyo yakho ishaye phansi futhi? Cha ngiyabonga, mnumzane. Kodwa, thembeka kuwe ngokwakho. Leya nsizwa/intombazane osanda kuhlangana nayo ibonakala inhle, akunjalo? Uma usocingweni futhi ungaqiniseki ngokuphelele ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze ngokulandelayo, ungakhathazeki. Shazia Saleem (I-Masters in Psychology), osebenza ngokukhethekile ngokwehlukana nokwelulekwa ngokwedivosi, ulapha ukuze akusize uthole indlela eya phambili.
Indlela Yokuqeda Ukuhlukana?
Okuqukethwe
Abanye baba nenhliziyo yetshe ngemva kokuhlukana kabi futhi abaningi abafuni ukudlula emgomeni wokuthola umuntu omusha nokuphinde bathandane. Ungase uqale ngisho nokucabanga ukuthi wonke umdlalo wobudlelwane akuwona owakho futhi ulahlekelwe ithemba. Nakuba abanye bejwayele ukuba sebuhlotsheni kangangokuthi bangase bagxumele ekupholeni inyanga ngemva kokuhlukana ngaphandle kokucabangela imiphumela. Yebo, ubudlelwano obubuyela emuva. Lezo ezingapheli kahle ngempela.
Ngakho-ke yini ongayenza ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi awujiki noma udlulele lapho uncelisa inhliziyo ephukile? U-Shazia uyachaza, "Ukuze uqede ukuhlukana futhi uqale ukuphola futhi, kudingeka uqale ucabange. Abanye abantu bathatha isikhathi eside ukuphulukisa, kwabanye kulula kakhulu. Kodwa uma uzizwa ukulungele, ngokuqinisekile ungadlulela phambili futhi uvulele ithuba lokuthi ungathola uthando futhi. Uma nje uqinisekile ngomuntu omusha, konke kuzolunga. Kodwa okokuqala, gxila ekwelapheni kwakho."
Ubudlelwano obubi buyingxenye edingekayo yempilo ekufundisa okuningi ngalokho okufunayo esikhathini esizayo. Udinga nje amathiphu ambalwa ukukusiza ukuthi usendleleni. Yingakho nje ulapha. Ake singene ngqo endleleni okufanele uhambe ngayo ngesigaba sakho sangemva kokuhlukana. Yiziphi ezinye izinto okungafanele uzenze ngemva kokuhlukana, nokuthi yini okufanele uyenze ngokuphelele.
Yini Okufanele Uyenze Ngemva Kokuhlukana Ukuze Uqhubeke? Izinyathelo Eziyisi-9 Okufanele Uzilandele
Ngakho-ke, yiziphi izinyathelo ezilandelayo zokugqashula emicabangweni ebuhlungu futhi uzibeke ohambweni lokuzithanda wena nokwelapha? Okokuqala, qonda ukuthi kulula kakhulu ukwenza uzidabukele ngemva kokuhlukana. Ukubuyela ethandweni ngemva kokuhlukana kungase kube nzima. Kuyinto evamile uma ungazizwa uthanda ukuphola inyanga ngemva kokuhlukana. Eqinisweni, abantu abaningi bayawuvala umqondo wokuzibeka lapho okwesikhashana futhi bagxile kubo noma emisebenzini yabo. Leyo yindlela enhle yokusiza ukuthi ululame ngemva kokuhlukana.
Uhlelo lokungena esiteji luzohamba kancane. Kodwa uzokwenza intuthuko encane nsuku zonke inqobo nje uma wenza umzamo wokuthola indlela yokuqeda ukuhlukana. Ekugcineni izosuka ebuhlungwini obukuhlasela njalo ekuseni iye emuzweni omncane wokuba ndikindiki ongase ukufike njalo. Kuzwakala kubuhlungu, kepha kuba ngcono.
Lapho uzithola ujabule ngombono wobuhlobo obusha noma usuku lokuqala ngemuva kokuhlukana esikhundleni sokuhlale ucabanga nge-ex yakho, ungase ulungele. Maduze, uzohlangana nomuntu ongeke abonakale emubi ngokwengxenye, kungaba ngohlelo lokusebenza lokuqomisana, imibuthano yokuzijabulisa, noma ngomngane odlala umlingani ngesikhathi sakhe samahhala. Okufana ngakho lezo zinto ukuthi udinga ukuzibeka lapho. Ukuze ukwazi ukwenza lokho, udinga ukuqonda ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze ngemva kokuhlukana ukuze uqhubeke. Nawa amasu angu-9 asekelwe ochwepheshe angasiza:
1. Zilungise!
Cha, impilo yangempela ayiyona ingoma ye-Coldplay. Akekho ozofika “ukuzokulungisa”. Ungavumeli izinkundla zokuxhumana zikukhohlise. Kwabanye, kungase kube isilingo ukuqala ukuthandana nomuntu ngemva nje kokuqala ukuhlukana kodwa lokho kuyindlela nje yokubalekela ubuhlungu. Futhi lapho wenza lokho, izinto ziye ziwohloke ekugcineni. Ukuqomisana ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukana akuwona neze umqondo omuhle.
Sebenzisa isikhathi ngemuva kokuhlukana ukuze uhlole futhi ufunde izinto ezimbalwa ngawe. Kungcono ukuthatha isikhathi sakho uqhubekele phambili (akunandaba ukuthi uthatha isikhathi esingakanani, akuwona umjaho okudingeka uwunqobe). Uma usuyixazulule imizwa yakho, okungaphezu nje kokuphola kwakho kuzoba ngcono kakhulu. Manje ake siqhubekele ezinyathelweni ezilandelayo.
2. Funda kokwedlule
I-ex yakho yi-ex yakho ngesizathu. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi mingaki iminjunju yangemva kokuhlukana ekwenza uzizwe sengathi iwumhlaba wakho wonke, esikhundleni sokuvumela i-nostalgia ikugeze, gxila kulokho okubangele ukuthi wena nomlingani wakho niqhelelane futhi uma izinkinga ezifanayo ziye zathinta ubudlelwano benu esikhathini esidlule. Ungase ugcine ngokuthola iphethini ekuziphatheni kwakho ebudlelwaneni noma uhlobo lwabantu olukhangwayo.
Uma usuqaphela ukuthi kungani ubudlelwano benu obudlule bungasebenzanga, ukuthandana ngemva kokuhlukana kuzoba lula ngoba uzokwazi ukuthi yini okudingeka uyigweme. Qinisekisa ukuthi uyazenza lezi zinto ngaphambi kokuthi uzibeke lapho futhi, ikakhulukazi uma ucabanga ukuqomisana ngemuva kobudlelwano besikhathi eside. Ngakho-ke yebo, ukuhlaziya okwedlule kwakho kwanoma yimaphi amaphethini empeleni kungenye yazo izinto ezinhle kakhulu okumelwe uzenze ngemva kokuhlukana.
UMarie, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sase-Houston, waba nesikhathi esinzima sokuhlukana nesoka lakhe lesikhathi eside uRay. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzekani, ngemva kokuhlukana, wayengeke akwazi ukubeka imingcele naye futhi bobabili babelokhu beshintshana empilweni yomunye nomunye. Lokhu kwaze kwaba yilapho uMarie ehlala phansi ngolunye usuku, futhi wazama ukuthola ukuthi kungani izinto zazinzima kangaka ngoRay. "Angicabangi ukuthi uRay ungumuntu omubi. Ungumuntu omubi kimina. Ngivame ukuwela emadodeni ahluke ngokuphelele kunami, futhi abuye angilume," usitshele.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Kungani 'Ngidinga Ukuvalwa' Kusikhathaza Ngemva Kokuhlukana
3. Hlaziya okufunayo ngokulandelayo
Siyafunga lesi yisinyathelo sokugcina sokucabanga okufanele usithathe. Kuphinde kube yimpendulo yokuthi: kufanele ulinde isikhathi esingakanani emva kobudlelwano besikhathi eside ukuze uphole? Linda kuze kube yilapho usutholile ukuthi yini ongase uyifunele yona ngokulandelayo. Uma uvumela imizwa yakho inqume, kungenzeka ukuthi ufunda lesi sihloko futhi ngemva kwezinyanga ezi-3. Ukuqomisana ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukana kungase kubonakale kuheha kodwa kufanele unyathele ngokucophelela.
Kulungile ukungafuni ukuthandana ngemva kokuhlukana. Kulungile uma uziphonsa emsebenzini wakho. Kungcono kakhulu uma ufuna nje ukuzungezwe abangani nomndeni isikhashana, ungenawo amathemba okuphola. Thatha ikhefu ku-ex yakho. Kholwa ku amandla okuthula ngemva kokuhlukana, futhi ubone ukuthi izokwenza kanjani ube ngcono. Ukuziqhelelanisa nokuhlala umatasa kuzokuvimbela ukuthi ungene esimweni sokungabi nalutho futhi kukuvimbele ekwenzeni okuthile okweqisayo ngemva kokuhlukana.
4. Ungesabi ukuzama into entsha ukuze uzizwe ungcono
Ubudlelwano bungenza abantu babikezeleke, mhlawumbe bangabi nalutho. Indlela efanayo izwakala kahle kodwa ikushiya udonsa kanzima ekusebenzeni lapho ubuhlobo buphela. Ungaqhubeka kanjani ngemuva kokuhlukana lapho usathandana, uyabuza? Hhayi-ke, zixake ngezinto ezintsha nemisebenzi eminingi ngangokunokwenzeka.
Kulungile uma usathanda futhi ukhumbula i-ex yakho, kungokwemvelo ngokuphelele. Kodwa ungakuvumeli ukuthi kukuvimbele ekuhloleni izinto ezintsha futhi uzame hlanganisa impilo yakho. Hlanganyela kancane. Iya kulawo maqembu obungakaze uwajwayele, joyina iklabhu yezincwadi, tholana nabazala bakho noma amalungu omndeni obujwayele ukuwagwema njalo. Ukuhamba ngalolo suku lokuqala ngemva kokuhlukana kungase kubonakale kunzima ngakho qala kancane futhi nje ukuzijabulisa. Uma wandisa umkhathizwe wakho, amathuba amaningi azokuza kuwe. Mhlawumbe isithandwa esisha futhi! Noma mhlawumbe akunjalo, lokho nakho kuhle.
5. Buyela lapho ukuze uqhubekele phambili
Ukuqomisana ngemva kokuhlukana kungaba mnandi ngempela. Siyazi ukuthi kusenzima ukuhlangana nensizwa noma intombazane entsha ngemva kokuhlukana futhi uqale ingxoxo nayo kodwa yilapho izinhlelo zokusebenza zokuqomisana zingena khona. Akukaze kube lula ukuthola ozakwethu abasha ku-inthanethi, ikakhulukazi uma uzama ukubuyela ehhashini futhi uqale ukuphola ngemva kobudlelwano besikhathi eside. Ukuya endaweni yokuphola ngemva kokuhlukana kuzovusa yonke inhlobo yemizwa. Inqobo nje uma uku usebenzisa izinhlelo zokusebenza zokuthandana ngendlela efanele, uzodlula izithiyo, kokubili ezingokomzwelo nezingokoqobo.
Ngezinhlelo zokusebenza zokuphola, uzothola abantu abaningi abathokozisayo ongaba mnandi ukuxoxa nabo. Uzothola injabulo yokuthola ithemba elisha, ukuthuthumela, kanye nenzuzo ngemva kokuba umbhalo wakho oyingozi uthole impendulo evumayo. Izokwenza izimanga ngokuzethemba kwakho, okungenzeka ukuthi kuthinteke ngemva kokuhlukana. Futhi uma kungezona izinhlelo zokusebenza zokuphola, vele ucele abangani bakho abaseduze ukuthi bakusethele nomuntu opholile. Vele wenze isiqiniseko sokuthi awuqali ukukholelwa ukuthi usothandweni ngemuva nje kokuhlukana ngoba mancane amathuba okuthi lokho kwenzeke.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Amathiphu angu-13 Wokuphola Ku-inthanethi Ngempumelelo Futhi Uthole Umaqondana Wakho Okahle
6. Ungaqala kanjani ukuphola futhi ngendlela enempilo? Ungaqhathanisi!
Ukube bekunemithetho yokuqomisana ngemuva kokuhlukana, lokhu bekuzoba phezulu ohlwini. Ngakho-ke ungayithathi kancane lena. Kungokwemvelo ukuqala ukuqhathanisa abantu abasha ne-ex yakho lapho uthandana nomuntu ngemva nje kokuhlukana. Ikakhulukazi uma uke waba ne- ukuhlukana okungazelelwe ngemva kobudlelwane besikhathi eside, kungase kube nzima ukususa i-ex yakho engqondweni yakho futhi ungasikhumbuli ngezikhathi ezimnandi unaye. Kufanele uhlale uzikhumbuza ukuthi lokho ngeke kufeze noma iyiphi injongo.
“Uma usudedele ubuhlungu nentukuthelo engaphakathi kuwena, lesi sinyathelo sizoba lula, zixolele futhi ubaxolele uma ufuna ukuba nempilo ngemva kokuhlukana, uma kungekho gqubu ngeke uze ufune ukuqhathanisa ne-ex yakho nomuntu osunaye manje, qhubeka uzikhumbuze ukuthi abantu ababili abafani, uzovele ungene obishini olukhulu emoyeni uma kungenjalo,” kusho uShazia.
Ukuqomisana ngemva kobudlelwane besikhathi eside sekunzima kakade, kodwa ngokuqhathanisa, uzokwenza kube nzima kuwe ukuthola umlingani omusha, sonke lesi sikhathi ubeka i-ex yakho phezu kwesisekelo engqondweni yakho. Funda ukugcina umqondo ovulekile, ungahluleli abantu ngokushesha, futhi uhlale unethemba lapho uzama ukuqhubekela phambili.
7. Ungawazibi amafulegi abomvu
Yini okufanele uyenze ngemva kokuhlukana ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi awuzitholi usunenhliziyo ephukile futhi? Ungawanaki amafulege abomvu kumathemba akho othando. Ngisho noma kukhona oyedwa nje, ungakushayi indiva. Ungahlali ngoba unesizungu futhi udabukile. Manje ukuthi uyazi ukuthi yini yakho abaphula isivumelwano sobudlelwano kukhona, ungase ube nombono wohlobo lwabantu ongazwani nabo. Ukuqomisana futhi ngemva kokuhlukana kuzokugcina ujabulile mayelana nomlingani olandelayo okungenzeka, kodwa qiniseka ukuthi awuzinaki izinto ezingahlali kahle ekulangazeleleni kwakho ukuthola isiqalo esisha.
Ufuna ukuya phambili futhi uthole umuntu ofana ne-vibe yakho kakhulu, hhayi ukuhlehla futhi uzithole usobho. Amafulegi abomvu ajwayelekile ahlanganisa noma yini kusukela ekushayeleni uweta ngokushaya ikhwelo ukuya kubulili obuvamile, ukungavuthwa, umuzwa wokufaneleka, ukungatholakali kwemizwelo, ukuthambekela kokukhohlisa, ukudlala kushisa nokubanda, noma ukuthumela izimpawu ezixubile. Lezi ezimbalwa nje, kodwa ziningi ezinye izinhlu ezinde ongase ufune ukuzibheka.
8. Ungasheshi uthembele, kodwa ungabophisi futhi
Ngenkathi ulapho uzama ukuswayipha kwesokudla indlela yakho eya enkazimulweni, qiniseka ukuthi awukuvumeli ukuthatheka kukulawule futhi wethembe umuntu wokuqala oza kuwe. Ukuqomisana nomunye umuntu ngemva kokuhlukana kukushiya ulangazelele ubuhlobo obunezithelo. Ngokulangazela kwakho, ungakhohlwa ukuthatha izinto kancane. Khumbula abakushoyo - yiziwula kuphela ezigijimayo.
Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukuthambekela kokuzibophela ngokuphelele ngenxa yokwesaba ukuphinde ulimale nakho akuzuzisi. Uyazi ukuthi izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo zasemtholampilo zigcizelela kangakanani indaba yokucindezela imizwa yakho, akunjalo? Besaba usizi olulandelayo, abantu bangakuthola ngendlela emangalisayo kunzima ukuphinda uthembe umuntu. Ukuqomisana ngemva kokuhlukana kungase kusabise, kodwa kuyingozi okuzodingeka uyithathe uma ngempela uqala ukuthanda umuntu omusha. Yabelana ngemizwa yakho nomlingani wakho futhi uqiniseke ukuthi abacabangi ukuthi uyabhodla ngoba awumthandi. Khuluma ngemizwa yakho.
UShazia uyachaza, "Sonke singabantu kuphela. Izinkinga zokuthembana ziyavela ngemva kokuhlukana futhi akudingekile ukuba uhlale uziba imizwa yakho yokuhlukumezeka noma ukucasuka. Yivumele idlule kuwe. Kodwa uma usuzivumele ukuba uhlangabezane nale mizwa, kancane kancane zama ukuthemba omunye umuntu. Zinike isikhathi nesikhala sokukwenza, noma kunjalo. Ngeke kwenzeke ngokuphazima kweso. Hamba kancane, kodwa thembeka."
9. Izinto okungafanele uzenze ngemva kokuhlukana: Ukukhuluma nge-ex
Ekugcineni, sesifinyelele iphuzu elibaluleke kakhulu eselulekweni sethu sokuthi yini okufanele uyenze ngemva kokuhlukana. Nokho, ngokunembe kakhudlwana, yini okungafanele ukwenze, kuleli cala. Akukho lutho olubi njengokukhuluma nge-ex yakho ngosuku lokuqala nomunye umuntu. Ukusukuma kungase kube kubi kakhulu kodwa uyalithola iphuzu - ungakhulumi nge-ex yakho.
Kuyoba kuphela creep usuku lwakho out, abenze bacabange ungazange wathuthela futhi ukuthi ungekho ukulungele lutho okwamanje, ukuqinisekisa ukuthi awutholi ucingo usuku lwesibili. Lokhu nakanjani ukuqomisana okukodwa ngemuva komthetho wokuhlukana ongeke ukwazi ukuwuphula. Uma unomuzwa wokuthi awukwazi ukuzibamba, mhlawumbe awukakaqhubekeli phambili futhi udinga isikhathi esengeziwe sokudabuka, ukuphulukisa nokululama ngaphambi kokuba uqale ukuphola futhi.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: 22 Imikhuba Emibi Echitha Ubudlelwano
Ngakho, yini okufanele uyenze ngemva kokuhlukana? Ngaphambi kokuba uqale ukuphola futhi, qala ugxile endleleni ozizwa ngayo. Zinike isikhathi sokudabuka futhi ulungise ubuhlobo obukulahlekele. Qiniseka ukuthi ululamile ngaphambi kokujoyina uhlelo lokusebenza lokuthandana noma ukuhlangana nabantu abasha. Njengoba sishilo ekuqaleni kwalesi sihloko, "... futhi usizi lukwenza uhlakaniphe". Awuqali phansi kusukela ekuqaleni. Akuyona i-rodeo yakho yokuqala. Unolwazi manje, uhlome ngokuhlakanipha kwangemva kokuhlukana. Yisebenzise kahle.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Ukuphulukisa ngokomzwelo kuhlale kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokuqhubekela phambili. Qiniseka ukuthi wenza konke ukusiza ukuphulukiswa kwakho
- Ungacashi egobolondweni isikhathi eside futhi uzame ukubuyela lapho ukuze uhlangane nabantu abasha
- Yeka ukuqhathanisa i-ex yakho nomuntu wamanje ombonayo, kuzovele kukwenze uzizwe kabi
- Uma ekugcineni usulungele ukuqala ukubona abantu abasha, zama ukungaxoxi nabo kakhulu
Kwazi bani ukuthi ungathola umuntu ozonakekela inhliziyo yakho, ongcono kakhulu kunalokho obukucabanga. Futhi okubaluleke kakhulu, uzixolele ngengxenye yakho ekuhlukaneni. Futhi uma usulungile? Hhayi-ke…sukuma, ugqoke, ubonakale. Omunye wakho obalulekile ulindile!
Lesi sihloko sabuyekezwa ngoNovemba 2022.
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Umugqa wesikhathi uyahlukahluka kumuntu nomuntu, kodwa kuseduze kakhulu uma usaqhathanisa abantu ne-ex yakho. Uma ungakaqhubekeli phambili, ungakwamukeli ukuhlukana, futhi uma usathukuthelele ex yakho, nakanjani kuseduze kakhulu ukuqala ukuphola ngemva kokuhlukana.
Uma ubuhlobo buba nesiphetho esibuhlungu njengokuhlukana, akunakwenzeka ukuthi bungaphinde bubuyiselwe ezinsukwini zabo zangaphambili zenkazimulo. Ngemva kokuhlukana, ubudlelwane buvame ukuba buthaka, futhi kaningi, isizathu sokuhlukana kokuqala sibuyisela ikhanda elibi, ukushayela abalingani ngokushesha noma kamuva.
Uma ucabanga ukuthi uthole umuntu ongakwazi ukwakha naye ubudlelwano obunempilo, kungase kudingeke uzame. Kufanele wenze isiqiniseko sokuthi awukabi buhlungu ngokuhlukana kwenu nokuthi usuqhubekele phambili. Uma usuthole ukuthula ngokuhlukana kwakho futhi ungaphuthelwa yi-ex yakho, kungokwemvelo ngokuphelele ukuqala ukubuyela lapho.
Izinto Eziyi-10 Kuphela Abantu Abangashadile Abazobhekana Nazo!
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
