Izimpawu Eziyi-13 Zezindaba Zokwethenjwa Nendlela Yokuzinqoba

Ingabe ukungethembeki okwedlule ebudlelwaneni bakho kukushiye ungakwazi ukwethemba umlingani wakho? Ingabe uhlezi ugqolozela umlingani wakho, uqagela izisusa zakhe, futhi izincazelo zakhe azibonakali zikwenza ukhululeke? Ingabe ucabanga ngezimo ezimbi kakhulu ngesikhathi esincane senkinga ebudlelwaneni bakho bese uqala ukufuna indlela yokuphuma? Nokho, lezi ezinye zezimpawu ezikutshelayo ukuthi unezinkinga zokwethembana ezidinga ukusukunyelwa maduze.

Ukuntula ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni kuyilapho kuyinkinga kukodwa, futhi kuwuphawu lwezinkinga ezijulile okungenzeka zihlupha isibopho sakho. Ngokwesibonelo, uma uqhathwe, uqanjwe amanga, walinyazwa, noma washiywa umlingani wakho wamanje noma wangaphambili, noma ngisho nomuntu osondelene nawe (njengomzali obumethemba ukuthi uzokuvikela kodwa wangakuvikela), ukwethembana kungase kungabe kusazenzakalela kuwe. 

Ungase ube nokungabaza kwabaseduze kwakho futhi uvame ukubalekela izimo. Isibonelo, lapho uxhumano lwezothando luqala ukuba bucayi, esikhundleni sokuzizwa ujabule futhi uphephile, uqala ukuzizwa usaba futhi ubheke izindlela zokuzivikela ukuze ungalimali futhi. Lokhu kungase kuphazamise indlela yokwakha ubudlelwano obuhlala njalo ongakwazi ukungena kubo, kushiye umkhondo wokuxhumana okudlulayo—okukodwa okuvusa izinkinga zokwethembana.

Ngokwemvelo, lokhu kungaba umjikelezo omubi okhathazayo ngokomzwelo. Ngakho-ke, ungagqashula kanjani kukho? Silapha ukuzokusiza ukuthi uthole ngokubhekana nokuthi ukungakwazi ukwethembana kubukeka kanjani, ukuthi yini ebangela izinkinga zokuthembana, nokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nazo, ngokubambisana nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDevaleena Ghosh (M.Res, eManchester University), umsunguli weKornash: The Lifestyle Management School, ogxile ekwelulekeni kwemibhangqwana kanye nokwelashwa komndeni.

Ziyini Izinkinga Zokuthembela? 

Ingabe nginezinkinga zokuthembana, uyazibuza? Ukuze ukwazi ukuhlola ngokunembile, udinga kuqala ukukhomba ukuthi ziyini izindaba zokwethenjwa. Kalula nje, ukuba nezinkinga zokwethembana kusho ukuthi uyazabalaza ukukholelwa ukuthi abanye abantu bathembekile, bathembekile, futhi bathembekile. Lokhu kufaka phakathi abantu abasembuthanweni wakho ongaphakathi, okuhlanganisa nomaqondana wakho osondelene naye. Lokhu kwenzeka lapho ukwethenjwa kwephulwa ngenxa yokukhaphela, ukukhohlisa, noma ukungathembeki, okuholela ekwesabeni ukuphinde ulimale. 

Empeleni, ukungakwazi ukuthemba abanye kuyindlela yokuzivikela oyithuthukisayo ukuze uzivikele. Nokho, inkinga ukuthi ingabonakala njengokuziphatha okungenampilo njengomona onobuthi , ukungabaza, noma ukubuza imibuzo njalo. Ebudlelwaneni obuseduze, lokhu kuziphatha kungaphazamisa ukuxhumana okunempilo kanye nokusondelana ngokomzwelo.

U-Devaleena uthi, "Ukwethemba ebudlelwaneni bakhelwa ngezenzo ezincane njengalapho omunye umlingani ekhombisa ukuba sengozini, omunye aphendule ngokucophelela. Kodwa-ke, uma ulwa nezindaba zokwethembana ungase ube nobunzima bokwamukela lezi zikhathi njengoba zinjalo futhi ungahlala ubheka isisusa sangasese noma ulinde ukuthi esinye isicathulo siphume ngoba uzwa isidingo esinamandla sokuzivikela."

Uma ingaxazululwanga, lo mkhuba ungadala igebe elingokomzwelo . Ukuntuleka kokuthembana ebudlelwaneni kunganciphisa kancane kancane ukuxhumana phakathi kwabantu ababili, kubahlukanise. Uma ungafuni ukudela obunye ubuhlobo ngenxa yezinkinga zakho zokuthembana, udinga ukugqashula kulo mjikelezo omubi bese uthola ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nezinkinga zokuthembana nokungazethembi. Isinyathelo sokuqala kulolo hlangothi ukuthola inkinga. Ukuze sifeze lokho, ake sibheke ezinye izimpawu ezibonisa izinkinga zokuthembana.

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Izimpawu eziyi-13 zokuthi Unezinkinga Zokuthembana Ebudlelwaneni

Ngakho-ke, zibukeka kanjani izimpawu zokungathembeki ebudlelwaneni? Umbuzo womfundi othunyelwe ku-Bonobology uwufingqa kahle. U-Ashley, oneminyaka engu-23 ubudala waseDallas, wabhalela ithimba labeluleki bangaphakathi endlini, ethi, “Ngiye ngaba nezigigaba ezingemnandi empilweni yami yokuqomisana esikhathini esidlule ngenxa yokuthi ngangimanqikanqika ukuqala ubuhlobo obusha. Nokho, ngabe sengihlangana nalo mfana owangibonisa ukuthi akubona bonke abantu abafanayo futhi ngamthanda. 

"Ngangicabanga ukuthi ngihlangane nomuntu engithandana naye ngesikhathi ngihlangana naye. Izinto bezilungile phakathi kwethu ekuqaleni, ngabe sengithola ukuthi unobudlelwano obuqhubekayo nentombazane yakubo. Lokhu kutholwa kungishiye ngididekile. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, uzizwa engavikelekile ngabafana abaningi ehhovisi lami, futhi lokho kube yiphuzu elibuhlungu ebudlelwaneni bethu. Sihlala singabazana futhi asikwazanga ukubhekana nalokhu. Kusenze saba lusizi sobabili, sihlala sibuzana futhi sihlala sicabanga ukuthi omunye uyakhohlisa. Ngicabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano bethu bobabili besikhathi esidlule buthinta ubudlelwano bethu. Ngicabanga ukuhlukana naye."

Uyabona lapho ingxenye yokwethembana ishoda ebudlelwaneni, kungaba umshikashika ukuze buphelele futhi busebenze. Kubalulekile ukuwasusa. Lokho kuhlanganisa ukuqonda ukuthi izindaba zokwethenjwa zibonakala kanjani. Ngakho-ke, ngaphezu kokusola, yiziphi ezinye zezimpawu zezinkinga zokwethenjwa? Nazi izindlela zokuziphatha eziyi-13 eziphakamisa ukuthi uthole kunzima ukuthemba umlingani wakho: 

1. Ulokhu ulinde ukuthi kuqathake esinye isicathulo

Cabanga ngalokhu: Usothandweni futhi izinto zibonakala zihamba kahle kakhulu. Niyajabula, nijabulela ukuba ndawonye, ​​nibheke phambili ekuchitheni isikhathi ndawonye, ​​yenzani umzamo wokubeka omunye komunye kuqala, futhi nizizwe niqinile usuku nosuku. Kodwa-ke, ngemuva kwengqondo, umbuzo ukukukhathaza ngaso sonke isikhathi: "Kuthiwani uma umlingani wami enza sengathi muhle kangaka?" noma “Ingabe bamphatha kahle ngoba kunokuthile abakufihlayo?”

Zonke izinto ezinhle ebudlelwaneni bakho zingagubuzelwa umuzwa wokungakhululeki ohlala ubonakala ungenakuwuyeka. Kungakwenza ube nomuzwa wokuzibophezela . UDevaleena uthi, “Ukukhathazeka ebudlelwaneni noma ukubona ubudlelwano obubi besikhathi esidlule ekhaya lakho lobuntwana kungakwenza ube ngale ndlela. Uma uke wabona ukukhashelwa noma ukujola ebudlelwaneni babazali bakho noma ukungabi khona kobudlelwano obuhle, uzohlala ukwenze uzibuze umlingani wakho wamanje.”

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2. Unenkinga yokucabanga ngobudlelwano bakho esikhathini eside 

Ingabe uzizwa ungakhululekile uma ukhuluma ngokuphila isikhathi eside kobudlelwano bakho? Ingabe umbuzo nje "Kuyaphi lokhu?" kusuka kumlingani wakho kubonakala kukwenza ulahlekelwe ukulawula noma uvale ngokuphelele kubo? Uma kwenzeka beveza izinto ezinjengomshado noma izingane, ingabe ngempela ufuna ukubhoda kwelinye icala?

Ekhanda lakho, ulindele ukuphela kobudlelwano okuzayo, ngoba ake sibhekane nakho, ucabanga ukuthi lobu budlelwano, njengakho konke okunye, buzophela. Lolu hlobo lwenkolelo lungenza ubuhlobo bakho bube yingozi . Ukuhlala ucabanga ukuthi, “Iyini injongo yalobu budlelwano?” akunampilo ngoba awukakakulungeli ubudlelwano ngendlela okufanele nijabule ngayo nobabili.

3. I-Snoopy kufanele kube igama lakho eliphakathi

Esinye sezibonakaliso zokuthi ubhekene nezinkinga zokuthembana ukuthi uzulazula futhi uphonsa umlingani wakho imibuzo eminingi uma ekhuluma yedwa ngisho noma isikhathi esifushane ngaphandle kokukutshela kusengaphambili, esephuzile, noma ephuma exhumana nabantu ngaphandle kwakho. Umuntu onenkinga yokuthembana angaqala ngokushesha ukuzizwa enganakwa ebudlelwaneni futhi aqale ukucabanga kakhulu ngezinto, okuholela kulowo mjikelezo wemibuzo nezimpendulo ezisheshayo.

Ngoba akukho lutho olushiwo umlingani wakho okubonakala kukhulula ingqondo yakho, wena snoep. Futhi uhleka kakhulu. Ukuhlola ifoni yabo ukuze ubone ukuthi yimuphi umbhalo omusha we-WhatsApp abawutholile noma ukwazi ngokuyimfihlo iphasikhodi yabo ukuze uhlole ifoni yabo ngesikhathi umlingani wakho egeza—konke kuhlanganisa nezinkinga zakho ezishubile zezinkinga zokwethembana.

4. Uyabakholwa…kodwa hhayi impela

Ungase umomotheke lapho umlingani wakho elandisa indaba ehlekisayo ngobusuku bamantombazane akhe kodwa ingqondo yakho isiqala ukungamkholwa. “Ingabe wayekhona ngaleso sikhathi?” noma “Ungiqamba amanga ukuthi kwakuwubusuku bamantombazane nje. Ngiyaqiniseka ukuthi kwakukhona amadoda lapho.” Ukunaka kwakho kuchithelwa kakhulu ekutholeni izikhala ezindabeni zomlingani wakho kunokulalela ngobuqotho lokho akushoyo. Uzama ukuqonda ukuthi “yini ngempela” abayenzile? Ingabe kukhona imininingwane abayishiyayo? Ingabe kukhona abakufihlayo? Yini abangakutsheli yona? Bhala lokho nje, ingxoxo elula ingaba yimbangela yokungezwani. Yilokho okwenziwa yizinkinga zokuthembana ebudlelwaneni.

5. Uyabazonda uma behamba ezindaweni ngaphandle kwakho

Esinye isibonakaliso esibalulekile sezinkinga zokuthembana ukuthi umqondo wesikhala somuntu siqu ebudlelwaneni uyakukhulisa. Ukuchitha isikhathi uhlukene empeleni kunempilo kunoma yiluphi ubudlelwano. Abantu abaningi bayawujabulela isikhala somuntu ngamunye abasitholayo. Kodwa ngenxa yezinkinga zakho zokuthembana, kuhlukile kuwe. Uyakuzonda lapho umlingani wakho ephuma ngaphandle kwakho futhi ucabanga ukuthi okubi kakhulu kubo. Ukungathembi kwakho akukuvumeli ukuthi uqiniseke nganoma yini.

U-Devaleena uthi, "Uyohlala ufisa ukuba nabo futhi uhlale useduze nalowo muntu. Awuthandi ukuhlala isikhathi eside kakhulu nomlingani wakho ngoba uhlale unemizwa egijima ekhanda lakho. Unomona, awuzethembi, uyasola, futhi uhlale ukhathazekile ngokuthi umlingani wakho uba nesikhathi esingcono ngaphandle kwakho."

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6. Ukuvuswa kalula kuwuphawu lokuthi ulwa nezinkinga zokwethembana 

Kungamangalisa ukubona ukuthi yini edala izinkinga zokwethembana kumuntu. Isibonelo, umbhalo olula ongenawo ama-emoji ungakwenza ukhathazeke ngokuthi kungenzeka ukuthi umlingani wakho ubhalela omunye umuntu eceleni futhi akasathandani nawe. Kwesinye isikhathi, awazi nokuthi kungani uzizwa ukhathazekile futhi usengozini.

Unemizwa eguquguqukayo ekushiya ucabanga ngezimo ezimbi kakhulu futhi ungena ekujuleni kokuphelelwa yithemba. Kumuntu ongakolunye uhlangothi noma kothile obona lokhu kuziphatha, kungase kubonakale sengathi uthemba izinkinga ngaphandle kwesizathu. Kodwa-ke, lokho akulona iqiniso. Yizinto odlule kuzo ezibangela ukwesaba nokungazethembi kwakho, okukushiya unomgodi esiswini sakho. Ukungathembi kuba yinto evamile futhi awukwazi ukuzibamba.

7. Hlala ucabanga ngesimo esibi kakhulu esingase sibe khona

U-Devaleena uyasitshela, "Uhlala usesimweni sokuvikela ngokweqile futhi uqaphe kakhulu. Ukuhlala uqaphile, uzama njalo ukucinga izimpawu zomlingani wakho awuthembekile. Lokhu kungakwenza futhi ukuthi uvikeleke futhi ulindele isimo esibi kakhulu ngaso sonke isikhathi."

Ulindele ukuthi umlingani wakho ekugcineni uzokhaphela futhi uhlala ubheka izimpawu ezibomvu zobudlelwano , yingakho isiphithiphithi esincane kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bakho sikwenza wesabe okubi kakhulu—ukuthi bayakukhohlisa, bayakukhaphela, bayakufihla izinto, noma baqamba amanga kuwe. Awudingi bufakazi noma inkomba yokuthi benze okubi. Ingqondo yakho iyakukholisa ukuthi inguqulo yakho yezenzakalo ecatshangelwe iyiqiniso.

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8. Usaba ukuthi umlingani wakho uzokulimaza

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi othile wake wakwephula ukwethemba kwakho esikhathini esidlule noma wabekwa esimweni esinjalo ngesikhathi usakhula, ulindele ukuthi ukwethemba kwakho kuzophela ekugcineni. Awunawo amathemba okwakha ubuhlobo bothando nobuqotho nomlingani wakho. Ulinde nje ukuthi akulimaze ngolunye usuku.

Ukhathazeka ngokuthi umlingani wakho angase azibonise kanjani “zangempela” ngolunye usuku nokuthi lokho kuzokulimaza kanjani ngokuphelele. Kufana nokuthi uhlale ulindele ukuthi abantu bakugwaze emhlane ngoba emehlweni akho akekho umuntu othembekile. Zonke izingcingo eziphuthelwe, zonke izikhathi zokungabi bikho ngendlela engachazeki, yonke impi ikwenza ube mncane, "Hhayi-ke, nakhu okwenzekayo! Ngavele ngazi.

9. Unenkinga yokuvula imizwa 

Uma ubeke ithemba lakho kothile futhi walimala ngenxa yalokho, ungase ube nenkinga yokuvuselela ubuthakathaka ebuhlotsheni bakho nokuveza imizwa yakho yangempela. Isibonelo, ungase ugweme ukwabelana ngokwesaba kwakho noma ukungazethembi nomlingani wakho, wesaba ukuthi angase akwahlulele noma akushiye. Ngakho-ke, ngisho nalapho umlingani wakho ekubuza ngosuku lwakho, esikhundleni sokukhuluma ngesikhathi esinzima emsebenzini, uyasichitha, uthi konke "kulungile", ugcine ibanga elingokomzwelo ukuze uzivikele. Lokhu kungenza ukukhulisa ukusondelana ngokomzwelo kube nzima, kukushiye ungakwazi ukwakha uxhumano olungaphezu kolungaphandle nomlingani wakho wothando.

10. Udinga ukuqinisekiswa njalo 

Ungamthanda yini umuntu kodwa ungamethembi? Ungamvumela yini umlingani wakho akuthande uma ungamethembi? Ungakha yini ubudlelwano obuphephile nobuqinile lapho kungekho ukwethembana? Cha, cha, futhi cha. Lokho kungenxa yokuthi lapho ukwethembana kungekho, uhlala ungabaza izinhloso nezisusa zomlingani wakho.

Lokhu kuhumusha isidingo sokuqinisekiswa njalo. Ungase ubuze umlingani wakho njalo ukuthi uyakuthanda yini noma ujabulile yini ebudlelwaneni. Ngokwesibonelo, ngisho nalapho sebethi “Ngiyakuthanda,” ungase ubuze imibuzo enjengokuthi, “Ingabe uqonde lokho ngempela?” noma “Uqinisekile ukuthi ufuna ukuba nami?” Lesi sidingo esiqhubekayo sokuqinisekisa singadala ukungezwani ebudlelwaneni, njengoba umlingani wakho engase ezwe kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzama kangakanani, imizamo yakhe ayanele.

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11. Uhlaziya ukuziphatha komlingani wakho ngokweqile 

Izinkinga zokuphaphama ngokweqile kanye nokuthembana zivame ukuhlangana. Uma ukuthola kunzima ukuthemba umlingani wakho , ungase uhlaziye yonke into ayenzayo namagama akhe, ufune ingqikithi kanye nezincazelo ezifihliwe. Isibonelo, uma umlingani wakho engaphenduli umbhalo ngokushesha, ungase ucabange ukuthi ulahlekelwa isithakazelo noma ukhuluma nomunye umuntu. Noma uma ephuma nabangani esikhundleni sokuchitha isikhathi nawe, ungase ukubheke njengophawu lokuthi umlingani wakho akakujabuleli ukuba nawe. Ngamafuphi, ubeka umlingani wakho ngaphansi kwesithwebuli ngaso sonke isikhathi, ngisho noma engenzanga lutho oluqinisekisa lokhu kusola.

12. Ubeka ubuhlobo bakho esivivinyweni

Uma ucabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano bakho budinga ukuvivinywa futhi uzibandakanya kulowo mkhuba kaningi, usuke ulungiselela ukwehluleka. U-Devaleena uthi, "Ukuhlola ubudlelwano bakho, ukujikijela umlingani wakho ngamabhola, ukudala izimo ezilimazayo ukuze uhlole ukuthi umlingani wakho kungenzeka ukuthi uyakopela noma uyakulimaza konke kuyizimpawu ezinkulu zezinkinga zokwethembana ebuhlotsheni."

13. Uqeda izinto ngaphambi kokuba izinto (funda: abantu) zikulimaze

Uma unezinkinga zokuthembana, uvame ukusebenzisa izindlela zokuzilimaza ngoba awufuni ukunika omunye umuntu amandla noma ithuba lokukulimaza. Uma uhlala, uzolimala. Kodwa uma uhamba ngokuzithandela, ukhetha ukuhamba ukuze uzivikele ekudabukeni kwenhliziyo. Futhi ngaleyo ndlela, kuzolimala kancane. Noma okungenani, yilokho okucabangayo.

U-Devaleena uyasikisela, "Iphuzu elibalulekile labantu abanezinkinga zokwethembana ukuthi lapho bethola uphawu lokuthi othile akanakwethenjwa, umuzwa wabo wemvelo wokuqala uwukubaleka. Bashiya ubudlelwano futhi bagijime sengathi bebelindele isignali yokuthi balungile ukuthi bangazibophezeli ngokugcwele ebuhlotsheni."

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Kungani Nginezinkinga Zokuthembana?

Manje njengoba usubheke ukuthi ziyini izindaba zokuthembana nokuthi zibonakala kanjani ebudlelwaneni, sekuyisikhathi sokuthi sibhekise ukunaka kwethu kwesinye isici esibalulekile: kungani. Ukuze ukwazi ukuthola ukuthi ungakha kanjani ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni, udinga ukuqala uphendule umbuzo ongakhululekile, "Kungani nginezinkinga zokwethembana?" Njengoba kade sixoxa, kusukela kokuhlangenwe nakho kwasebuntwaneni kuya ebudlelwaneni bangaphambili noma ngisho nokuziphatha kwangaphambilini kozakwethu wamanje, inqwaba yezinto zingakwenza uxwaye ukwethemba othile. Phakathi kwalezi, izizathu ezivame kakhulu ezidala izinkinga zokuthembana yilezi: 

• Ukulawula abazali: Ubungase ube nobungane obunobuthi nabazali ababekulawula njalo futhi bengakwethembi
• Ukuhlukunyezwa kwezingane: Ubungase ube yisisulu ukuhlukunyezwa kwasebuntwaneni yingakho usumdala ungathembi muntu
• Ukuyithatha ekuziphatheni kwabazali: Uma abazali bakho bengathembekile komunye nomunye, ukukhulela kuleso simo kungenza kube nzima ngawe ukuthemba noma ubani 
• Ukufakaza isehlukaniso esibi: Kungenzeka ukuthi uke wababona abazali behlukana futhi bonke ububi obukhona bukwenza kube nzima kuwe ukwethemba omunye umuntu kalula.
• Ukulinyazwa umuntu omthandayo: Uzakwethu obukade uhlanya othandana naye kungenzeka ukuthi ukukhaphele ngezindlela obungacabangi ukuthi ubungacabangi, futhi ubuhlungu obunyantisayo bukushiye ungakwazi ukuphinda uthembele komunye umuntu.
• Izenzo zozakwenu: Kungenzeka ukuthi umlingani wakho wenze okuthile—ukukhohlisa, ukuqamba amanga, izinto ezifihliwe, ukwehluleka ukuvela kuwe ngesikhathi ubuzidinga kakhulu—okukwenza ulahlekelwe ukumethemba.
• Ukwesaba ukuzibophezela nokusondelana: Abantu abaningi besaba nje ukusondelana nokusondelana bagcine sebezicekela phansi ubudlelwano nakuba bengenakho ukukhathazeka ngakho.

Indlela Yokunqoba Izinkinga Zokuthenjwa

Akulula ukuphila nezimpawu zokungathembani ebudlelwaneni noma ukumane udlule empilweni egcwele izinkinga zokuthembana, ungakwazi ukuvuleleka ngempela futhi uxhumane nanoma ubani. Kodwa-ke, ukuthi nje okuhlangenwe nakho okuthile okungathandeki empilweni kwenze kwaba nzima ngawe ukuba sengozini futhi ubeke ithemba lakho kubantu, akusho ukuthi uzodlula empilweni uphuthelwa ukuxhumana okujulile nobudlelwano bangempela. Ukunqoba izinkinga zokuthembana kungenzeka. Nazi amathiphu ethu ayi-7 asekelwa ochwepheshe okuthi ungadlula kanjani ezinkingeni zokuthembana futhi uxhumane ngempela nomlingani wakho:

1. Yazisa futhi uqonde izindaba zakho zokwethenjwa

Uma usufunde ukubona izimpawu futhi usuyazi ukuthi yini ebangela izinkinga zokuthembana, cabanga ngokuthi yiziphi izinto ezenzeka esikhathini esidlule ezingaba yizimbangela zakho. Ingabe ukukhashelwa kwesikhathi esidlule ongeke ukuyeke noma ukuhlukumezeka okungaxazululwanga? UDevaleena uthi, “Ukuqonda ukuthi izinkinga zakho zokuthembana zivelaphi kungasiza ekuletheni ushintsho endleleni obheka ngayo izinto, kukwenze ubone ukungakwazi kwakho ukuthembana njengento ekwehlele hhayi into engalungile ngokwemvelo ngawe.”

Isiphakamiso sepro 

Ukubhala iphephabhuku kungasiza kakhulu ekuhlonzeni izinto eziyimbangela nezimbangela. Ungaqala ngokuqaphela futhi ubhale phansi amaphethini okungathembani, uqokomise izimbangela nokuthi zikuthinta kanjani ukuziphatha kwakho futhi zikwenze uzizwe ungokomzwelo. 

2. Khuluma ngokukhululekile nophathina wakho

Mayelana nendlela yokwakha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni, u-Devaleena uthi, "Ukuxhumana ngezidingo kanye nokuvumela ozakwethu ukuthi asukume futhi azifeze kungenye yezindlela ezibaluleke kakhulu zokuzivivinya zokwakha ukwethembana. Nakuba kungase kubonakale kunzima, udinga ukubekela eceleni izithiyo zakho futhi uvulele lokho okudingayo." 

Ukucaca ngokwesaba kwakho nokukhathazeka kuyindlela ephumelelayo yokubhekana nezinkinga zokungaqiniseki kanye nokuthembana ngoba kwazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi uvelaphi. Ngakho-ke, ngesikhathi esizayo lapho uzizwa ushukunyiswa yisimo esithile, yazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi uzizwa kanjani. Ngale ndlela ungamnika ithuba lokuphendula ngozwela, okungakusiza ukuthi ubone ukuthi isimo asisibi njengoba usenza engqondweni yakho.

Isiphakamiso sepro 

Beka eceleni isikhathi sokuba nengxoxo nomlingani wakho mayelana nezinto ezikubangelayo kanye nokungamethembi. Qiniseka ukuthi basendaweni efanele yokwamukela nokucubungula lolu lwazi. Ukuyibeka kahle isikhathi kubalulekile. 

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3. Inselele ekucabangeni okungekuhle

Izinkinga zokuthembela kanye nokwenza inhlekelele kuvame ukuba yizinhlangothi ezimbili zohlamvu lwemali olufanayo. Ukuze unqobe izinkinga zokwethembeka, udinga ukwephula le phethini. U-Devaleena uyeluleka, “Ukubekela inselele imicabango yethu engenangqondo kungaba ithuluzi elinamandla lokunqamula umjikelezo wokungathembani nokudala indawo yokucabanga okunengqondo nokuzolile.”

Ngakho-ke, ngesikhathi esizayo lapho ucabanga ukuthi umlingani wakho akaphendulanga umyalezo wakho ngoba elele nomunye umuntu noma ekukhohlisa, hlela kabusha inqubo yakho yokucabanga ngamabomu bese uzitshela ukuthi cishe umatasa nje. Uma ukwenza lokhu kaningi, ungamisa ukungezwani.

Isiphakamiso sepro 

Lapho imicabango engemihle iqala ukubamba engqondweni yakho, esikhundleni sokuyiyeka ikulawule, yima kancane futhi ucabange, “Ingabe bukhona ubufakazi obuphathekayo obusekela lokhu, noma ngenza imibono esekelwe ekusabeni kwangaphambilini?”

4. Thatha izinyathelo zomntwana ezibheke ekubeni sengozini

Ungakha kanjani ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni, uyazibuza? Impendulo ingase ibonakale ithusa kodwa ibaluleke kakhulu—ukuvumela ukuba sengozini phambi komlingani wakho. Qala kancane ngokuvula mayelana nokungazethembi okuncane, ukwesaba, noma ulwazi oludlule. Bona ukuthi umlingani wakho uphendula kanjani. Uma bekwenza uzizwe uphephile futhi bengakwehluleli noma bahlekise ngawe, kancane kancane ungangena ezingxoxweni ezingakhululekile. 

Isiphakamiso sepro 

Kungasiza ukuqala ukuvula mayelana nokwesaba okuthile noma ukungazethembi okwazile ukukulawula noma ukukunqoba. Ithi, ukwesaba kwasebuntwaneni, bese uphothula ezihlokweni ezingathí sina futhi ezifanele. Lokhu kusiza ukujulisa ukusondelana ngokomzwelo. 

5. Nikeza umlingani wakho inzuzo yokungabaza

Esikhundleni sokucabanga okubi ngomlingani wakho, mnike ithuba lokungabaza. Esikhundleni sokuya ngqo ku-“O, akangishayelanga ucingo usuku lonke, ngiyaqiniseka ukuthi ulahlekelwa yisithakazelo ,” zitshele, “Uma bengangishayelanga ucingo, kumele ukuthi kungenxa yokuthi abakwazi.” Bheka umlingani wakho endaweni yokwethembana futhi uzobe usuqalile ukubeka isisekelo sokwethembana ebudlelwaneni bakho. Yiqiniso, lokhu akusho ukunganaki izimpawu ezibomvu kodwa ukuvumela isikhala senhloso enhle.

Isiphakamiso sepro 

Lapho umlingani wakho enza okuthile okubangela izinkinga zakho zokumethemba, zibuze, “Bengizosabela kanjani kulesi simo ukube bengimethemba ngokugcwele?”

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6. Funa usizo lochwepheshe

Izinkinga zokwethembana zivame ukujula futhi kungase kungenzeki ukuthi ubhekane nazo ngokwakho—noma ngosizo nokusekelwa umlingani wakho. Ezimweni ezinjalo, kungaba usizo ukusebenzisana nomelaphi noma uchwepheshe wezempilo yengqondo ukuze uvule okwedlule bese ushintsha amaphethini okungathembani kube anempilo. U-Devaleena uthi, "Ukwelashwa kunikeza indawo ephephile yokuveza ukwesaba kwakho futhi kancane kancane wakhe kabusha ukwethemba endaweni evikelekile, eqondiswayo."

Isiphakamiso sepro

Funa uchwepheshe wezokwelapha noma umeluleki onelayisensi ogxile ekubhekaneni nezinkinga ezihlobene nokwethembana ebudlelwaneni. Ubuwazi ukuthi ungathola ngisho nokwelashwa usekhaya lakho ngemihlangano ye-inthanethi? Uma lokho kuyinto ongathanda ukuyihlola, ochwepheshe bezempilo yengqondo abanamakhono nabanolwazi kuphaneli yeBonobology balapha ukuze bakusize.

7. Gxila kokwamanje, hhayi okwedlule

Njengoba sesikuqinisekisile, izinkinga zokuthembana zivela kokuhlangenwe nakho kwesikhathi esidlule. Isibonelo, uma umlingani wakho ehlulekile ukukuvakashela ngesikhathi esibucayi—mhlawumbe lapho ugula futhi udinga usizo lwezokwelapha—ungase ungamethembi ukuthi uzophinde abuye ngesikhathi sakho sokudinga ngoba “yilokho akwenza ngesikhathi sokugcina.” Kodwa-ke, ukubikezela ubuhlungu obudala ezimweni zamanje kungalimaza ubudlelwano . Kubalulekile ukuzinza futhi uhlale esikhathini samanje ngokugxila ezenzweni zamanje zomlingani wakho, hhayi ekukhapheleni kwesikhathi esidlule.

Isiphakamiso sepro

Noma nini lapho uzwa sengathi ukungathenjwa kwakho kuya obala ngenxa yokuthi isimo sifana ngendlela eshaqisayo nento embi owake wabhekana nayo esikhathini esidlule, zitshele, “Lobu ubudlelwano/isimo esihlukile. Umlingani wami akanginikanga isizathu sokungabaza.”

imibuzo ejwayelekile ukubuzwa

Imicabango Final

Ukuphila nezindaba zokwethenjwa kungaba yinto ehlukanisayo njengoba kukuvimbela ekwenzeni ukuxhumana okuyiqiniso. Nokho, ngemizamo eqhubekayo nephikelelayo, ngokuqinisekile ungafunda ukwakha ukwethembana ebuhlotsheni bakho. Yiqiniso, asikho isiqinisekiso sokuthi umlingani wakho noma omunye umuntu omethembayo ngeke akulimaze, kodwa uma wenza ngempela umsebenzi ukuze udlule izinkinga zakho zokwethenjwa, uzofunda ukubhekana nalezo zimo ngaphandle kokuzivumela zithinte izenzo zakho zesikhathi esizayo. Lokho kungenza umehluko omkhulu empilweni yakho.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.