Ukukopela Kumthinta Kanjani Owesifazane - Uhlolojikelele Ngochwepheshe

Ukungathembeki kungenye yezinto ezimbi kakhulu ezenzeka kumuntu othandana naye. Iletha ushintsho kubo bobabili abesilisa nabesifazane kodwa sigxile kulokhu kokugcina. Pho ukukopela kumthinta kanjani owesifazane? Uzizwa kanjani owesifazane ngemva kokukopela ebudlelwaneni?

Ukuze siqonde kangcono ukuthi ukungathembeki kumthinta kanjani owesifazane, sixoxe nochwepheshe wengqondo uJaseena Backer (MS Psychology), onguchwepheshe wokuphathwa kobulili nobudlelwano. Sithole imibono yakhe ngokuthi ukukopela kuyamthinta yini umuntu okopelayo nokuthi kanjani.

Ukukhohliswa ngumuntu omthanda kakhulu kuyalimaza. Akukho kungabaza ngakho. Kodwa kungani ukukopela kulimaza kangaka? UJaseena uphendula athi, “Kubuhlungu ngoba kuwubuhlobo obuzinikele lapho bobabili abalingani betholakala khona kuphela komunye nomunye. Uma umuntu wesithathu engena kulesi sithombe, kuwukwephulwa kwaleso sibopho. Kuwukwephulwa kokwethembana. Kubuhlungu ngoba umuntu, oye wakhashelwa, uzizwa sengathi ubenganele.”

Kungani abantu bekopela? Nokho, kunenqwaba yezizathu zakhona njengokuntuleka kokwaneliseka ngokomzwelo, ukuntuleka kokusondelana ngokomzimba, ukudangala, ukuzethemba okuphansi, nokuba umlutha wocansi noma isidingo sokuhlangenwe nakho kocansi okuhlukile noma okusha. Kwabanye, ukukopela kubonakala njengokuzethemba noma i-ego booster. Abantu futhi bayakopela ukuze bagweme izinkinga zomuntu siqu noma zobudlelwane.

UJaseena uyachaza, “Mhlawumbe bathola omunye umuntu ekhanga noma bafuna izinga elithile lokwaneliseka ngokobulili okungenzeka lingekho emshadweni wabo.” Abanye besifazane bayakhohlisa ngoba bengasakwazi ukuthola uthando, ukunakekelwa nanoma yikuphi ukulondeka okungokomzwelo emshadweni wabo.

Akukhathalekile ukuthi umuntu unesikhathi esingakanani nomlingani wakhe. Isenzo sokukhashelwa yinoma yimuphi umlingani, ke, sinquma inkambo noma ikusasa lobudlelwano. Kwezinye izimo, imibhangqwana iyakwazi ukuyibeka ngemuva kwabo ngenkathi, kwabanye, kuba nzima ukunqoba ukukhaphela.

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Ingabe abakopelayo bayahlupheka ngenxa yezenzo zabo? Ukukopela kumthinta kanjani umkopelayo? Ngokusho kukaJaseena, “Ekuqaleni, umkopelayo angase angacabangi kakhulu ngokuthi ubuhlobo bangaphandle komshado noma obunye ubuhlobo buthinta kanjani umlingani wakhe ngenkathi bekopela. Kamuva, umuzwa wecala uqala ngenxa yentukuthelo enkulu ephonswa kuye ngumuntu amkopelayo. Lo mbono wecala wokukopela uvame ukuba phezulu uma kuhileleke izingane.

“Abaqola baphinde baba namahloni uma umndeni, abangani noma ozakwabo bezwa ngale ndaba. Ngenxa yesimo somshoshaphansi sobudlelwano, amaqola ngokuvamile ahlala enovalo lokubanjwa noma ukuhlanjalazwa esidlangalaleni ngumlingani okhohlisiwe. Bavame ukuzizonda nokuzisola.”

Konke okushiwo futhi kwenziwa, cishe asikho isizathu sokukopela othile. Awukwazi ukudlala ngemizwa yomlingani wakho. Ukungathembeki kuyalimaza. Idiliza ubudlelwano nemishado yesikhathi eside.

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Ukukopela kuthinta abesilisa nabesifazane ngezindlela ezahlukene. Kodwa, lapha, sikhuluma ngokuthi ukukopela kumthinta kanjani owesifazane. Nazi izindlela ezingu-9:

1. Kungamsondeza kumlingani wakhe

UJaseena uthi, “Ukukopela kungasondeza owesifazane kumlingani wakhe. Bobabili abalingani kungenzeka ukuthi sebefinyelele eqophelweni lapho sebeqale khona ukuthathana kalula . Uma benquma ukuqhubeka nobudlelwano, cishe bafinyelela, okuyinto okungafanele yenzeke. Lapho lokho kuqaphela kufika, baqala ukulungisa imingcele yabo, okubasondeza komunye nomunye.”

Ukungathembeki ngokuvamile kuthathwa njengephutha elingenakuthethelelwa ebuhlotsheni. Kodwa, imibhangqwana eminingi iyakwazi ukudlula futhi iqhubeke nobudlelwano. Ukuze lokho kwenzeke, bobabili abalingani kufanele bazimisele ukuvuma futhi balungise inkinga ekhona. Kufanele bakwazi ukwamukela amaphutha abo futhi bathole izingqinamba eziholele ekudangeni.

Ukuze uthole amavidiyo amaningi ochwepheshe sicela ubhalisele isiteshi sethu se-Youtube. Chofoza lapha.

Owesifazane okhohlisayo kufanele axolise ngokusuka enhliziyweni, athathe umthwalo wemfanelo, avume ubuhlungu aye wabuzwa endodeni eyayimthanda kangaka, futhi athathe isinyathelo sokugwema ukuphindela endleleni efanayo eyingozi. Bobabili abalingani kufanele bakhulume ngakho. Kubuhlungu kodwa kuyadingeka.

Ukwelashwa kungasiza. Ukuya ekwelashweni kwemibhangqwana kungabasiza ukuba badlule kulesi simo esinzima. Njengoba kunabelaphi abanelayisensi nabanolwazi kuphaneli yeBonobology, usizo olufanele lutholakala ngokuchofoza nje.

2. Uhlangabezana namahloni, intukuthelo kanye nomuzwa wecala

Umuntu wesifazane uzizwa kanjani ngemva kokukopela ebudlelwaneni noma emshadweni? Uzizwa enecala ngokulimala okudalwe kumlingani wakhe, ikakhulukazi uma ebanjwa oqotsheni. Kukhulu ukucasuka namahloni okukhona uma abantu abasondelene naye bethola ngale ndaba.

Ngisho noma umbhangqwana unquma ukuqhubeka, kunzima ukwakha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni okwenza owesifazane azisole ngokubangela ubuhlungu obukhulu kangaka kumlingani wakhe. Yile ndlela ukukopela okumthinta ngayo owesifazane. Umuzwa wecala nentukuthelo kuvela nasekuqapheleni ukuthi akagcini nje ngokukopela umlingani wakhe kodwa nomndeni wakhe nabangane.

UJaseena uthi: “Uzizwa enecala futhi ukuthola kunzima ukubhekana nomyeni wakhe nawo wonke umndeni, ubhekana nezinkinga eziningi zangaphakathi ngoba uyazi ukuthi umshado wakhe ngeke usafana.”

3. Ubhekana nokucindezeleka ngokwengqondo nangokomzwelo

Owesifazane okhohlisayo uvame ukuphila ukuphila okumbaxambili. Uzibandakanya nomngane wakhe womshado kanye nesithandwa sakhe. Pho ukukopela kumthinta kanjani owesifazane? Ukufihla ishende kungaqeda amandla. Uvalo lokubanjwa luhlezi lukhona. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umuzwa wecala nentukuthelo kuyena ngokulimaza umuntu omthanda kangaka.

Angase ajabulele injabulo nokuhlangenwe nakho kokuba neshende. U-Jaseena uthi, “Angase azitholele kabusha ezothando nobulili. Kungase kumjabulise ngaleso sikhathi.” Kodwa, ekupheleni kosuku, kufanele abhekane nomlingani wakhe futhi afake i-facade. Esimeni esinjalo, kuba nzima kakhulu ukuhambisa imizwa eholela ekucindezelekeni kwengqondo nangokomzwelo ekugcineni kuthinte ukuziphatha kwakhe nomngane wakhe womshado nabanye abathandekayo.

UJaseena uyaqhubeka echaza, “Owesifazane angabhekana nokukhathazeka futhi azizwe engavikelekile. Angaba nomona ngomlingani wakhe othandana naye . Angabhekana nokwehluleka uma elahlekelwa ubudlelwano bobabili - umlingani wakhe kanye nomlingani wakhe othandana naye. Lokhu kungaholela ekucindezelekeni okukhulu.”

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4. Kuphula umndeni wakhe

Kungani ukukopela kubuhlungu? Uma owesifazane ebanjwa ekopela, nakanjani kuzothinta umndeni wakhe. Kungaba nomthelela omubi kumlingani wakhe nasezinganeni ngoba ukukhaphela kuyabaphula emoyeni. Kuqeda ukwethembana kwabo, umuzwa wokulondeka kanye nokukholelwa ebudlelwaneni.

Kungaba nzima ikakhulukazi ezinganeni ngoba kuzilimaza impilo yonke. Bangase bangakwazi ukumethemba ngokugcwele umama wabo noma batshale imali ebudlelwaneni esikhathini esizayo. Ulwazi lokwephulwa kwemindeni yabo ngenxa yalesi senzo sokukhashelwa unina kungabangela umonakalo ongenakulungiseka empilweni yabo engokwengqondo nengokomzwelo.

“Uma owesifazane enquma ukuyeka umshado , usethubeni lokulahlekelwa yikho konke, okuhlanganisa nesisekelo sakhe sokuziphatha ngoba abantu bazomsola ngokuphula ikhaya lakhe,” kusho uJaseena.

5. Ukukopela kumthinta kanjani owesifazane? Uyesaba i-karma

U-Jaseena uchaza ukuthi ukwesaba okukhulu umkhohlisi abhekana nakho i-karma. Uthi: “Owesifazane okhohlisayo wakhaphela umuntu athandana naye noma oshade naye, efuna omunye umuntu.” Kuthiwani uma lo muntu emkhaphela ngenxa yomunye umuntu? Noma kuthiwani uma umngane wakhe womshado emkhohlisa ngenjongo yokuziphindiselela? Lokhu kwesaba okungapheli kokusebenza kukarma kuhlala kukhona,” usho kanje.

Owesifazane okhohlisayo uhlala ekhathazekile ngokunambitha umuthi wakhe. Kuthiwani uma ehlukana nomlingani wakhe bese eqhubeka nomlingani wakhe othandana naye bese ekhashelwa nguye? “Uzizwa engavikelekile ngalo muntu omusha. Uma eshiya umshado wakhe , ingabe umlingani wakhe othandana naye uzovuma ukungena ebudlelwaneni naye?” kuchaza uJaseena.

6. Kunenhlamba ehambisana nokukopela

Ukukopela kumthinta kanjani owesifazane? Kungani ukukopela kubuhlungu? Hhayi-ke, kumnandi kuze kube yilapho othile ekwazi ngakho. Uma umndeni, abangani kanye nabathandekayo sebekwazi ngokukhashelwa, owesifazane okhohlisayo uyaphoqeleka ukuba abhekane nokuphawula okungekuhle kanye nokucwaswa okuza kuye. Angeke ayibalekele. Kuyodingeka athwale ubunzima bentukuthelo yabo.

UJaseena uphawula ukuthi, “Owesifazane kuzodingeka ahlale ebekezelela ukugconwa okuningi okuvela kumyeni wakhe kanye namalungu omndeni wakhe. Kuzodingeka futhi abhekane nesijeziso, kungenzeka ukuthi umlingani wakhe uzombekezelela futhi ashintshe indlela abheka ngayo izinto. Ngisho noma emthethelela, ubudlelwano bungaba nzima futhi bushintshe kakhulu.”

Noma engabatholi abantwana, uyamkhaphela umlingani wakhe. Eqinisweni, akuyena umlingani wakhe kuphela kodwa nomndeni wakhe, abazali bakhe siqu, abangani, izihlobo, izingane zakubo kanye nomndeni owandisiwe ohlale ukhona kuye futhi umnika uthando olungaka. Owesifazane okhohlisayo uvame ukubadumaza futhi abalimaze bonke uma ebanjiwe. Cishe ngeke bakwazi ukumthanda noma ukumhlonipha ngendlela efanayo.

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7. Angakwazi ukukopela futhi

Kuyiqiniso elivunywayo emhlabeni wonke ukuthi uma wake wakopela kanye, ungakopela futhi . Eqinisweni, ucwaningo lwamuva nje luthi abakopelayo bahlala befuna ukuzijabulisa okwengeziwe. Bafisa ukuhlola, ngaleyo ndlela bandise amathuba okukopela kubalingani babo izikhathi eziningi.

Olunye ucwaningo olwenziwe yi-Archive of Sexual Behavior luveze ukuthi abantu abake bakhopela ebudlelwaneni bangaphambili banamathuba aphindwe kathathu okuphinda lesi senzo ebudlelwaneni obusha noma obuzayo. Izinto ezifana nokuzibophezela kobudlelwano obuphansi, ukwehla kokwaneliseka kwezocansi nobudlelwano kanye nokungezwani komuntu ngamunye kuphoqa abantu ukuthi bakopele izikhathi eziningi ebuhlotsheni.

Ingabe owesifazane angashintsha ngemva kokukopela? Yebo, yebo! Ungasilahli. Asisho ukuthi owesifazane okhohlisayo akakwazi ukulungisa izindlela zakhe. Kodwa ithuba lokuphinda isenzo likhona uma ususinambitha isithelo esenqatshelwe.

UJaseena uthi, “Owesifazane ngeke esafana ngemva kokukopela. Kunoshintsho esimweni sakhe somzwelo, wathola okusha, okunye okwengeziwe ngemva kokukopela ebuhlotsheni bakhe. Uzoqhubeka nokufisa lokho ‘okuthile okwengeziwe’ ekuphileni kwakhe.”

8. Ubeka ubudlelwano besikhathi esizayo engozini

Ukukopela kumthinta kanjani umuntu okopelayo? Isenzo esisodwa sokukhaphela nowesifazane okopelayo sibeka bonke ubudlelwano bakhe besikhathi esizayo engcupheni. Ithiyori ethi 'uma usukopela, uhlala ukokotela' iyaqala ukusebenza. Abalingani besikhathi esizayo cishe abamthembi owesifazane uma sebethole ulwazi ngokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe kokungathembeki esikhathini esidlule.

Iqiniso lokuthi owesifazane abambona njengomuntu ongase abe umlingani wabo unezikhathi ezimbili noma ube nezindaba eziningi ebudlelwaneni bakhe bangaphambilini nakanjani libenza baxwaye. Ngeke bakwazi ukumethemba lo wesifazane ngoba uma ekwazile ukukopela umlingani wakhe wakudala, naye angabaqola. Asikho isiqinisekiso sokuthi uzothembeka ebudlelwaneni obusha.

9. Uqinisa amaphethini anobuthi

Ukukopela kumthinta kanjani owesifazane? Hhayi-ke, akulona impela uphawu lokuziphatha okunempilo, ukuqala nje. Kungase kubonakale kuwumqondo omuhle ekuqaleni uma unganelisekile ngomlingani wakho, kodwa, empeleni, kuwuphawu lokuziphatha okunobuthi. Cishe uyaziqamba amanga uma ucabanga ukuthi kumnandi noma kukwenza uzizwe ungcono.

Mhlawumbe owesifazane waba nezinkinga zokuthembana noma ukukhathazeka ngobudlelwano esemncane. Okuhlangenwe nakho kwangaphambilini kungenzeka ukuthi nakho kwaba nendima. Uma ecabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano bamanje sebuqhubeke, khona-ke ukukopela kungase kubonakale kuyindlela enhle yokubuqeda. Kodwa konke akwenzayo ukuqinisa amaphethini anobuthi empilweni yakhe. Cabanga ngakho - akungcono yini ukuba nengxoxo nomlingani wakho ngekusasa lobudlelwano esikhundleni sokumkopela nokuqeda izinto ngendlela ebuhlungu?

Uzizwa kanjani owesifazane ngemva kokukopela? Owesifazane uhlangabezana nezinhlobonhlobo zemizwa - intukuthelo, amahloni, ukukhathazeka, ukuphoxeka, ukuzisola - ngemuva kokukopela ebuhlotsheni. Uma ezisola ngobuhlungu abuzwise umlingani wakhe, aqale azisole futhi kube nzima ukulungisa isimo. Uzizwa sengathi usifanele isijeziso anikezwa sona.

UJaseena uyasicabangela: “Ngisho noma enquma ukukopela, owesifazane uyazi ukuthi akuyona into efanele.

Ukungathembeki kungabhidliza ubudlelwano. Uma uke wakhohlisa umlingani wakho, yazi ukuthi unephutha. Ukukhohlisa kuzothinta umlingani wakho kanye nawe ngoba kuningi okusengozini - umndeni, abangane, osebenza nabo kanye nobudlelwano obubalulekile. Okubaluleke kakhulu, inhlalakahle yakho yengqondo nengokomzwelo nayo isengozini, yingakho kunconywa ukuxhumana nokuxazulula izinkinga zobudlelwano nokuqonda izinkinga eziholele kulesi senzo.

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