He wahine haurangi? Ngā tohu, ngā take me ngā huarahi hei whakatau i a ia

Ehara i te mea onge ngā wā uaua o te marena. Heoi, ki te mea kua tīmata tō marena ki te rite ki tētahi awha e haere tonu ana, e kore e mutu te riri, ā, kua kino haere, tae noa ki te wā e whakaekea tonutia ana koe, e tawaihia ana, e tukinotia ana, tera pea ka tīmata koe ki te mōhio he aha i tīmata ai tō hoa aroha o mua ki te mahi pērā i te wahine porangi tino.  

Nā, i mua i tō whakaaro mō te "He aha i porangi ai taku wahine?", me kī atu mātou ehara te porangi i te kupu e tika ana kia whakamahia whānuitia. Ki te whakaaro koe he nui ngā raruraru hinengaro o tāu wahine, ā, me āwhina koe, rapua he āwhina māna. Kaua e kī noa he porangi tana mahi, ā, kaua e wareware ki ō raruraru marena mā te kī, "He porangi taku wahine!"

Ae, ki te mea kua tīmata tō hoa rangatira ki te mahi i ngā mahi rerekē, ā, kua tīmata hoki te pā kino ki tō kōrua marena, me rapu e koe te pūtake o te raruraru. Kei konei mātou hei āwhina i a koe ki te mahi i tēnā me ngā tirohanga ki ngā tohu, ngā take, me ngā tohutohu mō te whakatau i tētahi wahine porangi, me te tautoko i ngā tohutohu a ētahi o ngā tohunga hinengaro me ngā tohunga whanaungatanga rongonui.

He porangi taku wahine? 9 ngā tohu

Ka pāngia te katoa e ngā huringa kare ā-roto me ngā pahūtanga o ngā kare ā-roto i ētahi wā. Kāore e tika ana te kī, "He pōrearea te hinengaro o taku wahine" ina whakaatu noa ia i ana hiahia tika, ina pāngia e ngā wā uaua, ina whakaatu rānei i tana hiahia mō tētahi wāhi i roto i te whanaungatanga . Ahakoa he nui rawa te urupare a tō wahine ki ngā āhuatanga, he whanonga rerekē rānei i a ia, kāore e taea e koe te whakakore i aua āhuatanga mā te tāpiri i tētahi tohu wahine porangi, kino rānei ki a ia.

I te nuinga o te wā, he take tika mō ēnei momo pahūtanga. "Ina noho te whakahawea, te whakahē, te tiaki, me te aukati i te whanaungatanga hei āhuatanga noa o te whanaungatanga, he tohu tēnei mō te raruraru nui. Ka taea e ēnei whanonga paitini te whakakino, ka arahi ki te hurihanga o ngā kare ā-roto me te kore pumau o te whanaungatanga," te kī a te tohunga whanaungatanga a Tākuta John Gottman, i roto i tana pukapuka rongonui The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Heoi, ki te mea he rangatira ia, he amuamu tonu, he rangatira, he hamama, he tukino rānei i a koe, he raruraru tēnei nā te mea ka taea e te wahine whakahaere te whakangaro i a koe. E tika ana rānei ēnei whanonga kia whakatau, "Ki taku whakaaro he porangi taku wahine"? Tirohia ngā tohu o te whanonga porangi i roto i te whanaungatanga, ā, whakatau māu ake:

1. Ka whakaeke tonu ia i a koe me āna kupu

I tīmata mā te tawai me te whakatoi, engari kua huri hei kōrero kino, hei kōrero kino hoki i roto i te whanaungatanga . Kāore he mea tika āu mahi, kāore he mea e ranea ana. Ka kitea e ia he take hei whakaiti i a koe, hei whakaiti i a koe, hei tukino rānei i a koe mō ngā mea katoa e mahia ana e koe, e kore rānei e mahia e koe. Me te mea nei ko ngā kupu e puta mai ana i tōna mangai he mea hei whara i a koe, hei whakakino hoki i tō whakaaro ki a koe anō.

Ki te mea kei te karanga kino tonu ia i a koe i te aroaro o te marea, kei te whakanui, kei te whakanui rawa rānei i ō hapa, me te tuku kupu whakatoi, whakahihi ki a koe, kei roto pea koe i tētahi marena tukino, ā, he tika tonu tāu whakaaro, "He aha te kino o taku wahine ki ahau?" He rerekē te whakahē pai, engari ki te whakamahia he reo whakamataku, nanakia, ka noho hei raruraru.

Pānui e pā ana: 7 Ngā Tohu He Wahine Tūkino Kōrero Tāu, Me Ngā Mea e 6 Ka Taea e Koe te Mahi Mōna

2. Kei te whakahaere ia

Ko te hiahia kia whakahaere he tohu mō tētahi wahine kino e taea ai e ia te mahi porangi. Kāore ia e tuku wāhi ki a koe ki te whai i ō hiahia, ki te tūtaki ki tō whānau, ki te noho tahi rānei me ō hoa. Ko te tikanga, ka kiia te tūmataitinga he mahi paru i roto i tō marena. Ki te mea me whakaaro tonu koe ki ia meneti o tō wā ki tō wahine, he raruraru tūturu tōu, ā, me ako wawe koe me pēhea te whakahaere i tētahi wahine porangi.

• Ka noho pukuriri rānei ia mēnā ka whakahē koe i a ia, ka mahi i tētahi mea?
• E ngana tonu ana ia ki te whakahaere i ngā kōrero katoa, i ngā whakataunga katoa rānei?
• E ngana ana ia ki te whakaatu ko ia te mea e mōhio ana?
• Kei te meinga koe e āna mahi kia pōuri i roto i tō whanaungatanga?

Āe, ki te mea ko te whakautu ki ēnei pātai katoa he 'āe', kāti, e hoa, he raruraru nui tōu. "Ko te hoa rangatira e whakahaere ana i ngā āhuatanga katoa o tō oranga—ahakoa ko wai tāu e kōrero ana, ko ō kākahu, ko te wāhi rānei e haere ana koe—kei te whakaatu i ngā whanonga paitini. He maha ngā wā ka ahu mai tēnei whakahaere i te koretake o te māia, ā, ka arahi pea ki tētahi whanaungatanga tino koretake," te kī a Tākuta Paul Hokemeyer, he kaiwhakaora mō te marena me te whānau.

3. Kei te riri tonu ia ki a koe mō tētahi mea

Ka riri ia ina kore ngā mea e haere i tana e pai ai, ina kore rānei e taea te whakahaere. Ahakoa he hapa iti noa iho, he nui hei pana i a ia ki te taha, hei tuku i a ia ki te riri nui. Ko te riri tonu, e kore e mutu, tētahi atu tauira whanonga ka waiho koe kia amuamu, "Kei te haurangi ahau i taku wahine." Ki te kaha ia ki te riri mō ngā mea iti rawa, mō ngā take iti noa iho rānei, he raruraru kei reira. Mena kua tīmata ōna raruraru riri ki te pā ki tō oranga tae noa ki te kore e taea te kōrero noa ki a ia, kia mōhio koe kei roto koe i tētahi marena kino.

4. Kua maha atu i te kotahi tana whakawehi ki te whara tinana i a koe

Ahakoa te nui o ngā raruraru o te whanaungatanga , e kore rawa te tutu e waiho hei otinga. Mena kua whakawehi tō wahine i a koe ki te tutu tinana, kua ngana rānei ki te whara i a koe i ngā wā maha, kāore rawa ia i te tika te hinengaro, ā, kāore koe i te hē ki te whakaaro, "He pōrearea te hinengaro o taku wahine." Mena ka pā tēnei ki a koe, ka kī atu mātou kia rapu tonu koe i te āwhina ngaio, i te āwhina ture rānei. Mā te noho tonu i roto i te whanaungatanga kei reira tonu te tūponotanga o te tutu tinana ka taea te whakakino i tō hauora hinengaro. Kei te whakararu tō wahine i tō haumaru, he hara tēnā.

5. He maha ana wā ka warewarehia koe e ia, ka riria rānei koe e ia

He maha ngā wā ka tūtaki koe ki ngā urupare, ki ngā kōrero rānei pēnei i tēnei,

• "Kāore au i kī i tērā"
• "Kāore au i mahi i tēnei"
• "Kei te tito noa koe i ngā mea"
• "Kāore i tupu tāu e kōrero nei"
• "Kei te he koe i te mahara"
• "Kati te aro nui"

Ki te mea ko te whakautu he 'āe', he patunga koe nā te hauhautanga . Ka mutu, ka ruarua koe i a koe anō, ka whakaaro pea ko koe te he. Ka pōhēhē koe, ka kore e taea te āwhina, ā, ka mutu, ka pātai koe i tō ake hinengaro pai. Ina ngana koe ki te tū atu mōu ake, tera pea ka whakahē noa tō wahine i a koe mō ētahi rā.

Ko te mutunga mai o tēnei momo whanonga, kāore koe e mōhio he aha koe e kore nei e arohia. "Ina uru atu te hoa ki te whakahāngai i a koe anō, e whakakahore tonu ana i tō mooni, e mea ana rānei kia pātai koe mō tō ake hinengaro, he tohu mārama tēnā o te tukino me te whakahaere kare ā-roto, e arahi ana ki te kino hinengaro mō te wā roa," te kī a te tohunga hinengaro haumanu a Tākuta Ramani Durvasula.

Pānui e pā ana: 20 Ngā kīanga whakamāori hau i roto i ngā whanaungatanga e whakamate ana i te aroha

6. Ka uru atu ia ki te whakahaere i ngā kare ā-roto nui rawa atu

E kore e whakamahia noa e te wahine kino e mahi ana i ngā mahi porangi āna kupu me āna mahi hei whakahaere i tō oranga, engari ka takaro hoki i ngā kēmu hinengaro hei whakahaere i ō kare ā-roto. Tērā pea ka whakamahia e ia te whakama, te whakama, te whakatoi kare ā-roto rānei hei whakahaere i a koe kia mahi i tāna e hiahia ai. Tērā pea ko tēnei,

• Te takaro i te patunga
• Te whakapiko tonu i ngā āhuatanga kia whakaaro ai koe ko koe te kawenga mō tōna pouri
• Te whakanui i ngā āhuatanga hei whiwhi i te aroha me te mana whakahaere

7. He tino hae ia, he mataku hoki

He tino pāngia te hae i roto i te marena e te raruraru, nā te mea ka memeha te turanga o te whakawhirinaki e tū ai ngā whanaungatanga hauora. Mena ka whakaatu tō wahine i te hae nui rawa atu e whakapae tonu ana ia i a koe mō te kore pono, te tutei rānei i a koe me te kore he take pono, he tohu pea tēnei mō tētahi raruraru hohonu ake. Tērā pea ka arahi tēnei whanonga āwangawanga ki te takahi i te tūmataitinga. Tērā pea ka whakaaro ia he tika tana tirotiro i tō waea pūkoro, i ō pūkete pāpāho pāpori rānei. Mā te riri o ēnei mea katoa ka taea e koe te riri, me te amuamu, "Kei te haurangi ahau i taku wahine."

8. Ka huri ia i waenga i te aroha me te mauahara

Ko ngā huringa nui o te wairua tētahi o ngā tohu matua o ngā whanonga kore pumau. Tērā pea ka kite koe kei te whakaatu tō wahine i ngā whanonga wera me te makariri, kāore he take mārama kei muri i ēnei huringa nui o tana waiaro ki a koe. I tētahi wā ka mahana, ka aroha ia, ā, i tētahi wā ka riri, ka tawhiti rānei i tētahi atu wā. He tohu tēnei mō te kore pumau o te kare ā-roto, ā, ka waiho pea koe kia pōhēhē, kia manukanuka, kia kore e mōhio he aha te mea ka puta ai tana riri e whai ake nei.

"Mā te hurihuri o ngā kare ā-roto, ina huri te hoa mai i te aroha nui ki te mauahara nui, ka waiho te hoa kia mauheretia, kia manukanuka hoki. He tohu tēnei koretake o ngā kare ā-roto mō ngā take hohonu ake i roto i te whanaungatanga," te tuhituhi a te tohunga hinengaro a Tākuta Harriet Lerner i roto i tana pukapuka The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships.

9. Ka whakararu ia i tō angitu

Kāore koe i te hē ki te kī, "He porangi taku wahine", mēnā ka whakararuraru ia i ō whāinga, i ō moemoeā, i tō tipu rānei, ahakoa i te taha whaiaro, i te taha mahi rānei. Ehara i te mea he tohu noa iho tēnei i te hiahia ki te whakahaere engari he tohu anō hoki nō te wahine kore māia . Ahakoa he whakaiti i ō whakatutukitanga, he whakakore i a koe kei whai i ngā whai wāhitanga, he hanga raruraru rānei hei whakararuraru i tō arotahi, ko te whāinga o tēnei whanonga paitini he aukati i a koe kia kore e angitu.

7 Ngā Take e Porangi ai tō Wahine

Ehara i te mea ngāwari te whakamanawanui i te whanonga pōrangi, pōrangi rānei a tāu wahine. Kāore hoki e taea e koe te kī noa, "He pōrangi taku wahine", horoia ō ringaringa ki te katoa o te mea, ka haere tonu me tō oranga me te mea kāore he he. Ā, kaua hoki e pena, nā te mea ahakoa he āhua pōrangi ēnei mahi, kāore e mau tonu i te koretake.

"Ina pāngia tātou e te whakama, te wehi, te koretake rānei, he maha ngā wā ka whakautu tātou me ngā whanonga e ahua koretake ana, e whakangaro ana rānei. Ki te kore e arohia ēnei kare ā-roto, ka taea e rātou te waihanga i ngā tauira whanonga e kino ai ngā hoa tokorua," te tuhituhi a te kairangahau me te kaituhi a Tākuta Brene Brown i roto i te pukapuka Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

Nō reira, kaua e tukua ngā whanonga pōrangi a tō wahine kia whakararu i tō ngākau aroha, kia whakarērea rānei tō marena. Tērā pea, mā te huarahi tika hei whakahaere i tētahi wahine porangi, ka kitea e koe he huarahi hei whakaora i tō marena. Ka tīmata taua haerenga mā te mārama ki te pūtake mai o tēnei whanonga kino a te wahine. Anei ētahi take e whitu pea:

1. Ngā matea kare ā-roto kāore i arohia

Mā te kore aro ki ngā kare ā-roto , te kore rānei o te tautoko kare ā-roto ka puta te riri o tō wahine nā te mea kāore ana hiahia mō te aroha, te aroha, me te hononga e tutukihia ana. Mēnā ka whakaaro ia kāore ia e rangona, e whakaititia ana, e whakahaweatia ana rānei, ka pā mai pea he whara kare ā-roto e arahi atu ai ki ngā whanonga pōrangi pēnei i te,

• Ngā huringa o te mood
• Nga mahi nui
• Puta aronganui

"Ina rongo te hoa kāore i te hono atu ki te tangata, kāore rānei e kitea, ka taea e rātou te riri i ngā huarahi kāore i te whakaaro tika. Ko te wehi kei whakarērea, kei noho mokemoke hoki te tangata, he maha ngā wā ka puta ai ngā whanonga tino kino i roto i ngā whanaungatanga," te tuhituhi a te tohunga hinengaro a Tākuta Sue Johnson i roto i te pukapuka Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

2. E pōuri ana ia, e taumaha ana hoki

Ahakoa i tēnei wā, e aro nui ana ki te tautuhi anō i ngā tūranga ira tangata me te tautoko i te ōritetanga ira tangata, he nui ake te mahi a te wahine i tā te tāne. He maha ngā mahi a ngā wāhine—he whaea, he tohunga, he kaitiaki kāinga, he kaitiaki, me ētahi atu. Mena kei te mahi tonu tāu wahine i ēnei mahi katoa me te kore tautoko e ranea, tera pea ka pōuri ia i ngā tumanakohanga e whakatakotoria ana ki a ia. Ko te pēhanga o te ngana ki te whakataurite i ngā mea katoa me te kore he okiokinga ka ārahi pea i a ia ki te mahi kino. Mā tēnei ahotea ka meinga ia kia,

• Whanau
• Māharahara
• Kāore e taea te matapae i ana tauhohenga

"Ko te ahotea mau tonu mai i ngā pēhanga o waho—te mahi, te mātua, ngā āwangawanga pūtea—ka puta te riri, te hurihanga o te wairua, me te whanonga kore e taea te matapae i roto i te hoa rangatira. Ki te kore e whakahaerea te ahotea, ka taea te whakararu i te whanaungatanga, ā, ka arahi ki ngā whanonga e ahua 'porangi' ana ki te hoa rangatira," te kī a te tohunga whanaungatanga a Tākuta Terri Orbuch.

3. Tauritenga homoni

He mea nui ngā homoni ki te whakahaere i ō tātou kare ā-roto, me te whakatau i te āhua o ō tātou hinengaro. Ko ngā huringa homoni nā te haputanga, te paheketanga, te perimenopause, te menopause rānei, ka pā nui ki te kare ā-roto me te whanonga o te wahine, ka puta ai he huringa kare ā-roto, he riri, he aro rānei ki ngā kare ā-roto. Tērā pea ka puta he āhua pōrangi, he āhua "porangi" rānei tō wahine ki a koe.

Ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe, "He aha te kino o taku wahine ki ahau i ētahi wā?" "He aha te whanonga a taku wahine i rite ai ki te tamaiti?", kia tupato mēnā he huringa ā-tinana kei te take e pōrearea ai ana homoni. Ki te mea koinā, me arotahi koe ki te rapu me pēhea te tautoko i a ia, kaua ki te whakaaro me pēhea te whakahaere i tētahi wahine porangi.

4. Ngā pakanga kāore anō kia whakatauhia

He aha taku wahine ka riri mai ki ahau mō ngā mea iti katoa? He aha taku wahine i kino ai, i kawa ai? He aha ia me whakatoi tonu ai? Mena koinei te pātai i kawea mai ai koe ki konei, me tūhura koe mēnā he raruraru kāore anō kia whakatauhia i roto i tō marena, e meinga ai pea tō wahine kia whanonga hē.

Ko te riri me te mauahara e puritia ana e ngā take pēnei i te kore whakapono, ngā tautohetohe pūtea, ngā uara rerekē rānei, ka koropupū ake pea i raro i te mata, ā, ka pahū i ētahi wā. Engari i te aro atu ki ngā pūtake, ka riri pea ia i roto i ōna kare ā-roto, ka puta ai tana whanonga he mea koretake.

5. Te kore maioha 

Ki te whakaaro tō wahine kāore koe e maioha ki āna mahi ki te whakahaere i tō kōrua marena me te hurihanga o te kāinga, tera pea ka riri ia, ka pōuri rānei ki a koe, ka tīmata rānei ki te mahi hei huarahi noa iho ki te kukume i te aro ki tana koretake. Mā te hoatu tonu me te kore mihi ka arahi pea ki te ahua ngaro.

"I roto i te wā, ko te kore o te maioha me te kore aro ki ngā kare ā-roto ka arahi pea ki ngā kare ā-roto o te riri me te mauahara," te kī a te tohunga hinengaro haumanu a Tākuta Julie Schwartz Gottman, he kaiwhakaū o The Gottman Institute. Ka kaha ake te kaha o ēnei kare ā-roto mēnā ka whakaitihia e koe tana tūranga me āna takoha mā roto i ō kupu me ō mahi, pērā i te kore maioha ki tana mahi ki te whakarite kai nui māu i te Rātapu, te whakakorekore rānei mā te kī, "He aha te take nui o tēnā?"

6. Ngā tumanakohanga kāore anō kia tutuki i roto i te marena

Ka uru tātou katoa ki tētahi whanaungatanga me ētahi tumanakohanga, ā, ki te kore e tutuki, ka puta ake ngā kare ā-roto o te pouri, te mamae, te pouri, me te pōhēhē. Ahakoa he hononga kare ā-roto, he kawenga tahi, he whāinga ā-muri rānei, ka puta ake te pouri i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga kāore i tutuki, ka waiho ia kia pōhēhē, kia pōhēhē rānei. Ko te pouri i puta mai i te taumaha o ngā tumanakohanga kua ngaro me ngā tumanakohanga kāore anō kia tutuki, ka meinga pea tō wahine kia whakapuaki i a ia anō i tētahi ara e ahua kē ana, e tino kino ana rānei.

7. Nga take hauora hinengaro

Ka taea e ngā raruraru hauora hinengaro pērā i te manukanuka, te pouri, tae noa ki ngā āhuatanga pērā i te mate hinengaro rohe, te whakaatu i te whanonga o te tangata kia āhua pōrangi, kia koretake rānei. Mena kei te raru tō wahine i ngā raruraru hauora hinengaro kāore anō kia rongoatia/kāore anō kia tautuhia, ka rerekē haere pea tana whanonga, ka arahi ki ngā māramatanga kore me ngā pakanga. He mea nui kia aro atu ki ēnei whanonga me te aroha, me te rapu āwhina ngaio mēnā e tika ana. Kaua e whakamahi i ngā kōrero pēnei i te "He pōrangi te hinengaro o taku wahine" hei whakaiti i a ia, hei whakaaro rānei he tapu tōna āhua.

9 Ngā Tohutohu mō te Whakahaere i tētahi Wahine Porangi

Mena he rite tonu ngā kōrero katoa kua kōrerohia e tātou tae noa mai ki tēnei wā, kāore e taea te whakakore kei te raru tō kōrua marena i ngā whanonga a tō wahine. Heoi, ehara tēnei i te kī ka hinga tō kōrua whanaungatanga. Mena kāore anō kia tae ngā mea ki te tūkino tinana, ki te tūkino kare ā-roto rānei, ā, e hiahia ana koe ki te whakaora i te whanaungatanga, he iti noa ngā mea ka taea e koe te mahi hei whakatau i te āhuatanga.

Kāore mātou e huna i te āhua. He uaua ki te huri i tō wahine whakahaere hei tangata ataahua i moea e koe. Nō reira, whitikiria tō whitiki, ka pānui tonu kia kitea ai he aha tāu e taea ai te whakatika i ngā āhuatanga me te ārai i ngā kino atu ki tō marena. Anei ētahi tohutohu hei āwhina i te wahine pukuriri:

1. Ngāna kia noho hei punga kare ā-roto i roto i te marena

Ko te mea tuatahi ka taea e koe te mahi ina ngana koe ki te whakahaere i ngā mea me tētahi wahine e mahi porangi ana, ko te kaua e heke ki tōna taumata. Ki te kore tō hoa rangatira e pai ana ki a ia, me tū ake koe hei pou tautoko hei whakawhirinaki māna. Ki te kore e taea e ia te manawa, whakamarietia ia. Ki te kore e taea e ia te noho marino, whakaitihia te āhuatanga i te mea pai rawa atu e taea e koe. Me whakatika e koe te āhuatanga, kaua e whakataurite i tōna kaha. Ki te tukua koe kia riri pērā i a ia, ko te mutunga he whakataetae 'ko wai te hamama nui' kāore he tangata e toa.

Kāore he painga mō kōrua mēnā ka huri noa i ō kanohi, ka ngunguru i raro i tō manawa, "Kua porangi taku wahine!" ina hoki anō ia ki tētahi o ōna kare ā-roto. "Me noho tonu te hoa rangatira hei punga kare ā-roto i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ina piki haere ngā kare ā-roto, ka taea e koe te whiriwhiri ki te whakaiti i te kare ā-roto mā te noho marino, te mārama, me te noho pūmau. Mā tēnei ka āwhina i te waihanga i te haumaru me te tūpato i roto i te whanaungatanga," te tuhituhi a te tohunga whanaungatanga rongonui me te kaituhi a Tākuta John Gottman i roto i tana pukapuka The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Whakapūmau ki te hanga i te whanaungatanga kia pai rawa atu

Ki te kore e kitea he otinga i tēnei wā, me whakaae. Ki te kore e kitea te whakaute, me tuku atu. Ki te mea he pakanga te āhua o ia rā, me whawhai tonu. E mōhio ana mātou he ngāwari ake te kōrero i te mahi. Engari ki te mea he whakaaro pakari tōu, ka piki ake te tūponotanga ki te whakatika i tō marena .

Mea atu ki tō wahine kāore koe e whakarērea ana tēnei whanaungatanga, ā, e pai ana koe ki te mahi i ngā mea katoa hei whakatika. Kāore kōrua e hoki ki te wā marena hou, engari ko wai ka mōhio, tera pea ka tae kōrua ki tētahi momo aroha hohonu ake? Waihoki, kāore koe e mōhio, tera pea ka ngana tō wahine ki te huri hei putanga pai ake o ia anō i muri i te kitenga i te nui o te kaha kua whakapaua e koe kia angitu ai te marena. Tērā pea ka huri ia hei wahine e porangi ana ki tana tāne.

3. Kaua e tukua te whanaungatanga kia mate haere

"Ki taku whakaaro he porangi taku wahine. He pai ke ki ahau te karo i te kōrero ki a ia kia memeha ra ano." Kaua e whakatata atu ki te raruraru me tēnei whakaaro, nā te mea kāore e puta he hua. Ko ngā raruraru, ki te kore e tirotirohia, ka kino haere. Kia mōhio koe me mahi te whanaungatanga, tīmata tonu. Kāore he painga mō kōrua mena ka kī tonu koe ki a koe anō, "He porangi taku wahine."

Kaua e tatari kia māmā ake, kia pai ake rānei ngā mea i a rātou anō. Kāore e pērā kia oti rā anō i a koe. Ki te mea kei te kino haere tō āhua, me whakaaro koe me pēhea e taea ai e koe te āwhina i a ia kia pai ake. Kaua e tatari kia tae ia ki tētahi taumata e kore ai e taea te hoki atu i reira. Me mahi koe i tāu wāhanga ki te whakahaere i te āhuatanga, kaua ki te whakanui ake mā te whakamahi i ngā kupu pēnei i te porangi, te porangi, te porangi rānei. Whakaarohia mēnā kei te hē te hū? Kāore koe e hiahia kia pēnei te āhua, e tika?

"He mea nui kia whakapau kaha tonu ki tō whanaungatanga, kaua e waiho kia noho pūmau. Mā ngā mahi iti, pērā i te whakarongo matatau, te whakaatu i te maioha, me te whai wā tetahi ki tetahi, ka ārai i te memeha haere o te whanaungatanga," te kī a te tohunga whanaungatanga, a Tākuta Terri Orbuch.

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4. Ngāna kia kitea te take o tēnei mea

He āwhina te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero i ngā whanaungatanga katoa . Ina whai kōrero whai hua ngā hoa e rua, ka tata atu rāua ki te kimi i te take o ngā pakanga, o te mea rānei e kiia nei ko te porangi. Nō reira, kia kaha ki te rapu i te pūtake o tana whanonga.

• Kāore ia i te tino māia?
• Kei te āwangawanga ia?
• He nui rawa atu rānei āna tumanako i a koe?

Whakatauhia, ā, me mahi ki te whakatika i te raruraru, ki te kore, ka pakaru tō hauora hinengaro me tō rangimārie o te hinengaro, ā, i te mutunga, ka pakaru tō marena. "He mea nui te kōrero pono i roto i ngā whanaungatanga katoa, engari ka taea e ia te whakaoho i te tiaki i a koe anō. Ahakoa he mea tika te pono, he mea nui anō hoki kia rite koe mō ngā urupare kare ā-roto, kaua hoki e tukua kia ārai i a koe i te pono," te kī a te tohunga hinengaro a Tākuta Harriet Lerner.

5. Kia pono, engari me tumanako ka puta he whakahē

Ki te whakaaro kua kore rawa tō wahine e whakaaro tika, he tino tika te riri ki a koe mēnā ka whakapuaki koe i ō kare ā-roto, ka ngana rānei koe ki te whakamārama i tō tirohanga. E tino whakapono ana mātou koinei te mea tino whakarihariha, tino whakapataritari hoki māu, ka whakaaro koe, "He aha te porangi o taku wahine?" Engari he aha e kore ai e huri i tō tirohanga me te whakatata atu ki tēnei take me te whāinga kia whakatauhia. Kōrero ki a ia ina pai tōna wairua, tonoa ia kia whakapuaki pono i ōna whakaaro, ā, kia tino whakarongo hoki ia ki ō taha.

6. Kaua e ngakau nui ki a koe ano

"He aha i porangi ai taku wahine? He aha i pēnei ai te āhua ki ahau? Kāore au e whakaaetia kia whakapuaki i ōku kare ā-roto." He whakaaro noa ēnei, e tino mōhio ana mātou, kei roto pea i tō hinengaro. He tangata koe, ka pōuri koe. Ki te kōrero kino tāu wahine, ka pouri koe. He mea noa te pēnei te āhua.

E whakaaetia ana kia pōuri, kia pōuri, kia riri rānei koe, engari kaua e tukua ēnei kare ā-roto kia mau tonu, kia kaha rānei ki a koe mēnā kei te hiahia koe kia angitu te marena. Kaua e aroha ki a koe anō. Ki te tukua koe kia noho tonu i roto i te hinengaro pouri, ka uaua haere ngā mea. Ahakoa me hanga noa e koe, ataata mai, kia haere tonu te pahi. 

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7. Kaua e oma atu

Tērā pea ka tino taumaha te whakamātautau ki te whakarērea te wāhi hara (arā, te rūma moe) me te whakamatao i a koe anō. I ētahi wā, ki te waiho e koe te tautohetohe ki waenganui, kāore he mea e tutuki. Ka kore noa iho ō mahi katoa. Inaa, tera pea ka kino ake te āhuatanga. Engari i ētahi atu wā, he pai ake te hoki whakamuri me te whakamatao i mua i te tūtaki anō tetahi ki tetahi, i tēnei wā me te marino me te whai whakaaro tika.

E ai ki tā mātou i kōrero ai i mua ake nei, me whakaatu e koe te taumata o te manawanui e rite ana ki tā te Dalai Lama. Kei te whakaaro koe me aha koe mēnā ka "porangi" tō wahine? Kaua e whakarērea ia. Ngāna ki te whakatika i te tautohe i mua i tō haerenga ki te moe. Kaua e waiho kia roa pēnei i te mate pukupuku e pirau ana i te whanaungatanga mai i roto. Kati te mahi, ka maka atu. Ka taea e koe te moe pai ake, ā, kāore koe e ara ake me te taumaha e noho ana i runga i tō uma.

8. Inoi kia whakautehia koe, ā, ka whiwhi koe!

Kia rongo koe i te pūtake o te raruraru o tō hoa, rapua te pūtake o te mea e whakararuraru ana i a ia, ka ngana ki te whakatika i te raruraru me te noho mārire. He mea noa iho ki te tangata te hiahia kia rite te whakaute ki a koe. Me mōhio tō hoa e hiahia ana koe kia whakautehia koe ki te whakaute e hoatu ana e koe ki a ia.

Kāore e taea te whakanui rawa i te hiranga o te whakaute i roto i te whanaungatanga . Me mārama tō hoa wahine ki tēnei meka māmā. Ko te whanaungatanga kāore he whakaute ka āhua pōuri, ka kino hoki, ā, ka whakaititia, ka tukinotia hoki te hoa kāore i whakautehia. Ina rere te whakaute i ngā taha e rua o te whanaungatanga, ka māmā ake te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero, ka māmā ake hoki te wairua i te tēpu kai. Ā, ehara i te mea he mea e tika ana mō te katoa?

9. Tikina he awhina ngaio

Kaua e mataku ki te rapu āwhina ngaio mēnā ka puta he raruraru. Ka taea e te kaiwhakaora hinengaro ngaio te āwhina i a kōrua kia eke ki te wāhi o te harikoa me te ngākau māhaki i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ki te kōrero koe ki tō wahine mō te hiahia kia whiwhi āwhina ngaio, tera pea ka huri i te mutunga o tō kōrua marena kia pai ake.

"Ehara te rapu āwhina ngaio i te tohu ngoikore engari he tohu kaha. Mā te rongoā hinengaro ka taea te tūhura i te take o te whanonga, me te whakatipu i te whakaute me te māramatanga," te kī a te kaiwhakaora hinengaro a Esther Perel.

Ko te aro tonu ki ngā whakaaro pēnei i te "He aha te porangi o taku wahine?", "He aha te hē o taku wahine?", ka taea te whakararuraru, te taumaha hoki. Kaua e mangere ki te whakapā atu ki tētahi kaitohutohu marena, ki tētahi kaiwhakaora hinengaro rānei mō te āwhina. Whakauruhia koe ki te whakaora i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine. E mōhio ana te Atua me āwhina koe. Ko te whakaatu i te manawanui nui, kua tino pā ki a koe i tēnei wā. Mena kei roto koe i tētahi āhuatanga pēnei, he pāwhiri noa iho te tawhiti ki te rōpū kaiwhakaora whai raihana me te wheako o Bonobology.

Thoughts Final

He uaua pea te mahi tahi me tāu wahine, engari ka tīmata mā ngā mahi māmā pēnei i te kore e kī he porangi ia. Ki te nui haere tonu tāu kōrero, ka iti haere te wāhi e toe ana ki a koe hei ngana ki te whakatau i ngā mea. Tērā pea kāore ia e mārama ki tāna e pā ana. He mahi whaiaro, he mahi kore aro te kī he porangi ia, inā koa i tēnei wā. Ki te whakaaro koe ka taea e koe te noho marino me te whakaoti i ō raruraru, he tika te aroha mō ngā mea katoa ka taea e koe te hoatu ki a ia.

Peke atu ki roto me ō waewae e rua, kaua e titiro ki te maunga me wikitoria e koe, engari kia kotahi te rā i ia wā. Ki te mea kei roto tō wahine i te wā uaua, ko te tikanga e hiahia ana ia ki a koe nui atu i mua. E hiahia ana ia ki tō āwhina, engari kāore ia i te mōhio e hiahia ana ia ki tēnā, kāore hoki e mōhio me pēhea te tono atu. Whakauru mai, ā, mahia te mea e hiahiatia ana. Ehara ianei tēnā i te kaupapa o te marena? Kia mahara, he manawanui te aroha, he atawhai te aroha. Ka u tonu te aroha.

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Ehara tō takoha i te koha aroha . Mā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe tonu mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.