Palibe banja lomwe silinasemphane. Ena amawathetsa mwamtendere, pamene ena samatero. Otsatirawa angafunike malamulo omenyera ufulu wabwino kuti adutse gawo lovutali (loyang'ana!) Lingaliro la malamulo omenyera ufulu wa maanja ali ndi mafunso ambiri. N’chifukwa chiyani amatsatira malamulo? Kapena, kodi n'zotheka kutsatira malamulo oterowo pokangana?
Zingamveke ngati lingaliro lovuta kwambiri - njira yowongolera mikangano. Koma, taganizirani bwanji ngati titamwa izi msanga muubwenzi? Kodi mkanganowo sudzachepa kapena kuthetsedwa popanda kuwonongeka? Kuti ndifotokoze bwino lingaliro lokhwima ili la malamulo omenyera nkhondo mwachilungamo, ndapempha katswiri wa zamaganizo Devaleena Ghosh (M.Res, Manchester University), yemwe anayambitsa Kornash: The Lifestyle Management School, yemwe ndi katswiri pa uphungu wa mabanja ndi chithandizo cha mabanja.
Kodi Kulimbana Kwachilungamo Ndi Chiyani Mu Ubale?
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
M'buku lake lakuti After the Honeymoon , katswiri wa zamaganizo Dan Wile anati, “Posankha mnzanu wa nthawi yayitali, mosakayikira mudzasankha mavuto enaake osathetsedwa.” Choncho, mikangano ndi gawo losapeŵeka la maubwenzi onse. Sizingakhale zosatheka kunena kuti mikangano ndi yabwino kwambiri pa maubwenzi, zomwe zimathandiza anthu awiri kumvetsetsana bwino ndikukhala ndi ulemu ndi kudalirana. Komabe, ndikofunikira kudziwa mtundu wa mdani wanu komanso zinthu zomwe zimakuyambitsani.
- Kodi mumakwiya msanga?
- Kodi mumasunga chilichonse mkati mwanu mpaka zonse zitaphulika ndi choyambitsa chaching'ono?
- Kodi mumapewa mikangano zivute zitani?
- Kodi mumachoka ndikukana kuyanjana?
- Kodi mumatengera kudzudzula kwa mnzanuyo ndikuchitapo kanthu?
Tonsefe tili ndi masitayelo osiyanasiyana ochitira, kuchita nawo, ndi kusonyeza mkwiyo. N’zomveka kuti malamulo ena oletsa chilungamo m’banja akhazikitsidwe pakati pa anthu okwatirana kuti ndewu zizichitika mwachilungamo, n’cholinga chofuna kuthetsa mkanganowo mosavuta popanda kusamvana. Apo ayi, mkangano ukhoza kukhala wovuta kwambiri ndipo umakhala wachisokonezo.
Tangoganizani awiri, A ndi B. A amachoka nthawi iliyonse akamenyana pamene B amakonda kutengera mkwiyo wa mnzawoyo. Kusiyana kumeneku kungapangitse mkangano waung’ono kukhala waukulu mosavuta ngati okwatiranawo sakhazikitsa malamulo ofunikira kuti athetse mkanganowo mwadongosolo.
Awiriwa ayenera kudalirana ndikulonjezana kuti sadzatseka mnzawo kapena kuchita zinthu zomangira m'mphepete mwa nyanja akamenyana. Ngati A akufuna nthawi ndi malo, adzadziwitsa mnzawoyo ndikumupatsa nthawi yokwanira. Mwachitsanzo, A anganene kuti, “Izi zikundivuta. Kodi tingakambirane izi m'mawa/pambuyo pa maola awiri/(nthawi ina)?” B ayenera kulonjeza kulemekeza kufunika kwa A kwa malo ndi nthawi yopuma.
Ili ndiye lingaliro la kumenyana koyenera mu ubale. Banja likhoza kukhala ndi malamulo awoawo malinga ndi zosowa zawo komanso katundu wamalingaliro. Koma pali zinthu zingapo zofanana ndi mfundo zofunika kwambiri pankhani yolimbana ndi chilungamo m'banja zomwe maanja onse ayenera kutsatira, zomwe tidzakambirana m'tsogolo.
Malamulo 9 Olimbana Mwachilungamo Kwa Maanja Monga Akatswiri
Devaleena akunena kuti kulankhulana ndiye chinsinsi chokhazikitsa malamulo olimbana mwachilungamo pakati pa maanja. Iye anati: “Aŵiri okwatirana angakhale pansi panthaŵi yamtendere n’kukhazikitsa malamulo oyambira pachibwenzi.” Akhoza kulonjezana wina ndi mnzake kuti asakhale aulesi akamakangana.
Devaleena amanenanso kuti malamulo, monga lingaliro, amapereka dongosolo kwa chirichonse kapena malo otetezeka kuti agwirepo ntchito. Chitonthozo ichi, akuti, chimagwiranso ntchito pa maubwenzi. "Malamulo akaphwanyidwa, akhoza kuvulaza wina kapena kusokoneza kayendetsedwe ka bungwe. Zofananazo zingatheke pa maubwenzi - bwenzi limodzi likhoza kuvulazidwa," akutero. Tsopano popeza tadziwa chifukwa chake mfundo zimenezi n’zofunika, tiyeni tione malamulo ena omenyera ufulu wa anthu okwatirana amene angathandize okwatirana kuthetsa mikangano yawo.
1. Kusunga malingaliro ndi kamvekedwe ndi ena mwa malamulo omenyera ufulu
Mkangano uliwonse ndi mnzanu kapena mnzanu ukhoza kukhala vuto lalikulu ndipo ungakupangitseni kuda nkhawa. Popanda inuyo, zinthu zitha kuipiraipira ndikusalamulirika nthawi yomweyo. Chifukwa chake, kusunga bata la malingaliro ndikofunikira kwambiri, ndipo ndi limodzi mwa malamulo omenyera nkhondo omwe angapulumutse ubale wanu ku mavuto.
Malamulo omenyera chilungamo kwa maanja omwe akuyembekezera kuthetsa kupsinjika ndi kulinganiza bwino malingaliro amaphatikizapo kuyankhulana kwambiri. Nthawi zonse, muyenera kuyesa kufotokoza zakukhosi kwanu moyenera musanakhale ndi vuto lalikulu. Samalani kamvekedwe kanu - zitha kukhala zankhanza ngati malingaliro anu afika ku mkwiyo.
Ndikoyenera kusunga kamvekedwe kake. Chifukwa mukamakuwa, mwina mnzanuyo akhoza kusonyeza khalidwe lanu. Ndipo, musanadziwe, mkangano wanu ukhoza kukhala malo ankhondo apakamwa. Ngati mukuona ngati mukulephera kulamulira mkanganowo, yesetsani kumangokhalira kukangana. Kupuma kumeneku nakonso ndi m'gulu la malamulo omenyera ufulu wothetsa kusamvana.
2. Osayang'ana zakale kuti muthetse kusamvana polimbana mwachilungamo
Kubwereza zolakwa zakale sikutanthauza kumenyana mwachilungamo kuti muthetse mkangano . Kumangopangitsa mnzanu kumva chisoni ndikukupangitsani kukwiya. Kukwiya ndi chilombo chomwe simukufuna kukhala pakati pa chibwenzi chanu. "Ndikofunikira kukhalabe ndi moyo panopa mukumenyana," akutero Devaleena, ndikuwonjezera kuti, "Zakale ndi malo abwino osapitako chifukwa zomwe zachitika zachitika. Kubwerezanso nkhani zakale kumangobweretsa mavuto atsopano."
Komanso, kudziŵa zakale kungakhale ndi chiyambukiro choipa kwa mnzanuyo, amene angakhale anakonza zolakwa zawo. Zitha kuwabwezeretsanso m'gawo lomwe limawapangitsa kuti akumbukirenso zolakwa zawo. Choncho, zingakhale zovulaza munthu payekha. Malamulo omenyera chilungamo amaphatikizapo kupeŵa khalidwe lililonse limene lingawonjezere mavuto aumwini.
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3. Khalani omangirira, mvetserani ndikuchita nawo pamene mukuyesera kumenyana mwachilungamo
Malamulo ambiri omenyera nkhondo mwachilungamo kwa okwatirana amaphatikizapo mawu oti "zomangamanga" - mikangano yanu iyenera kukhala yomanga ndipo cholinga chanu chachikulu chiyenera kukhala kupeza yankho lomanganso. Kupatula apo, simukufuna kutulutsa mkwiyo wanu, kuugwiritsa ntchito ngati chotchingira kuti mulepheretse kupita patsogolo kwa ubale wanu. Chifukwa chake, kuti muthetse mkangano womwe ukupitirira, mungafune kumvetserana bwino poyamba.
Kumvetsera ndi m'gulu la malamulo omenyera ufulu. Mwina n’kosavuta kulephera kudziletsa (kusiyana ndi kudziletsa) ndipo zimenezi zikachitika, n’kovuta kuona kupyola mkwiyo wotentha kwambiri. Kupatula apo, mungafune kuganiza zomwe mnzanuyo anganene pokangana chifukwa mumakhulupirira kuti mumawadziwa bwino. Komabe, malingaliro olakwika otere alibe malo pamndandanda wa malamulo omenyera chilungamo mu maubwenzi. Kulola mnzanuyo kuti afotokoze zakukhosi kwake kungathe kumasula mkangano womwe wakumana nawo ndikukutsogolerani mofatsa mpaka kumapeto kwa mkanganowo.
Ngati mumakonda kukhala chete mukamenyana chifukwa chodana ndi mkangano, muyenera kupewa chilakolako chofuna kudzipatula ndikuletsa mnzanuyo. Kafukufuku wofufuza wotchedwa Demand-Withdraw, Couple Satisfaction And Relationship Duration anati, "Pali umboni womveka bwino wakuti njira yolumikizirana ndi kufuna-kudzipatula, njira yomwe mnzanu m'modzi amafunafuna kusintha ndi kukambirana za vuto, pomwe winayo amapewa mkanganowo, nthawi yomweyo imagwirizanitsidwa ndi kusakhutira kwa okwatirana."
4. Kuthetsa mikangano - Lamulo lofunika kwambiri lolimbana mwachilungamo kwa maanja
Ngati simukusunga malamulo omenyera nkhondo mukamakangana, zinthu zitha kusokonekera ndipo zingakuvutitseni. Malingaliro anu ndi mitsempha imatha kutenga zochuluka. Choncho ngati kuli kofunikira, vomerezani kupuma pamene mukumenyana - sizidzangokuthandizani kuthetsa maganizo anu komanso zingakupatseni kupenda maganizo anu.
Sikungakhale kulakwa kunena kuti lamulo limodzi lofunika kwambiri lolimbana mwachilungamo kwa maanja ndikukhazikitsa malire a nthawi yokambilana zomwe zimalimbikitsa kusamvana. Jenna ndi mnzake, Sullivan, anachita zimenezo atakambirana ndi katswiri wa zamaganizo, amene anawauza kuti aime kaye ndewu kwa mphindi 20 kuti zinthu zisawasokoneze.
Sullivan anati: “Zinali zoonekeratu kuti mikangano yathu sikanathetsedwa pa kukambirana kumodzi choncho tinkafunika malamulo achilungamo omenyera nkhondo kuti tithetse mikangano,” anatero Sullivan, akuwonjezera kuti, “Chotero, tinaganiza zopumula.” Poyamba zinali zovuta koma zinkatiyendera bwino kwambiri tsopano.
Ngakhale simunapitirire, mutha kukhala chete mokwanira kuti muganizirenso mkanganowo. Jenna anati ngakhale nkhaniyi sinathe panthawi yopuma, inamupatsa zambiri zoti aganizire ndipo inamuthandiza kulamulira mkwiyo wake . "Nthawi zambiri ndimafuna kuganizira za nkhaniyi kwa masiku angapo nkhaniyi isanayambikenso," akuwonjezera.
5. Lingalirani mawu otetezeka kuti mikangano isakule
Malamulo abwino omenyera ufulu wa maanja akuphatikiza kupanga mawu otetezeka. Mawu awa - kumbukirani, ayenera kukhala mawu osati mawu - angagwiritsidwe ntchito kuletsa mkangano pamene mukumva kuti akulowera kudera loipa. Liwuli, komabe, liyenera kukhala ndi lonjezo lotsimikizika kuti mudzatsitsa kapena kusiya kukangana mukagwiritsidwa ntchito.
Mawu otetezekawa ayenera kuvomerezana ndi onse awiri ndikutengedwa ngati mgwirizano wokhazikika. Chifukwa ngati simukhala nacho m’kukangana, ndiko kuswa lonjezo. Palibe maupangiri omenyera chilungamo muukwati/ubwenzi wochuluka ngati pali kusakhulupirirana pakati pa okondedwa. Kusunga malonjezo n’kofunika kwambiri kuti mulimbikitse kukhulupirirana.
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6. Osakokera ana muvuto ngati mukufuna kumenyana mwachilungamo
Ngati muli ndi ana, iwo akhoza kusanduka mikangano yosasankhidwa. Kulimbana kwanu kosalekeza kumatha kukhala ndi zotsatira zoyipa pakukula kwawo kwa psyche ndi zotulukapo zomwe zitha kufalikira mpaka akakula. Choncho, ana ndi chifukwa chimodzi chachikulu chomwe malamulo omenyera ufulu wa maanja ayenera kuphatikizidwa mu chiyanjano.
Devaleena anati: “Ana angayambe kukayikira ngati aona kuti akugwiritsidwa ntchito ngati zida pokangana. Malamulo omenyera ufulu amaphatikizanso kusakangana pamaso pa ana. Ana nthawi zambiri amadzimva ngati ali ndi mphamvu zolamulira chilengedwe chawo, ndipo makolo awo akayamba kukangana, amatha kugwedezeka mosavuta - dziko lawo lonse likhoza kumveka mosadziwika bwino.
Komanso, ana angayambe kukhulupirira kuti ndi vuto lawo. Izi zitha kupangitsa kuti munthu azidziimba mlandu. Malamulo omenyera ufulu wa anthu awiri atha kuteteza vutoli kuti lisazika mizu.
7. Pewani kutchula mayina mwachipongwe pamene mukulimbana mwachilungamo pofuna kuthetsa kusamvana
Mikangano ingayerekezeredwe ndi zinthu zoyaka moto, zimafuna kamoto kamodzi kapena kachitidwe kolakwika kuti zikhale zoopsa. Pankhondo, kunyoza kungatenge gawo la kamoto komwe kungapangitse kuti zinthu zisasinthe. Mwachidule, kunyoza kungathe kuwononga ubale wanu kwambiri. Malamulo olungama omenyera nkhondo amalamula kuti muyenera kupewa zimenezo zivute zitani.
Chilichonse chonenedwa kapena chochitidwa pankhondo chingakhale ndi chiyambukiro chachikulu. Ngakhale mutatenga mayina a ziweto zawo monyoza kapena mwachidwi, mutha kutembenuza mavuto ang'onoang'ono kukhala mabala ang'onoang'ono. Kukhala wamba ndi imodzi mwa njira zofunika kwambiri zomenyera chilungamo mu maubwenzi chifukwa zimatsimikizira kuti ulemu ndi kulemekezana zikusungidwa.
8. Samalirani nkhani yomwe muli nayo ngati mukufuna kuthetsa kusamvana
Mkwiyo woyambitsidwa ndi mkangano nthawi zambiri umatha kufalikira m'njira zosiyanasiyana. Mwina mwayamba kukangana pa chinthu chimodzi ndipo posakhalitsa mungadzipeze mukukangana pa nkhani yosiyana kwambiri. Zingayambitse mkwiyo waukulu muubwenzi. "Awiri asanayambe kukangana, pamakhala kusonkhana kwa maganizo ambiri . Chifukwa chake, mawu ambiri osasangalatsa amakambidwa," akutero Devaleena.
Kuti izi zisachitike, malamulo omenyera ufulu wa maanja amaphatikiza mikangano yosiyana. Yankhani nkhani imodzi imodzi ngati mukufuna kuithetsa mwamtendere. “Njira yabwino yokhalirabe ndi nkhaniyo ndiyo kuyilemba penapake.” Okwatirana ena amafika posinthanitsa zimene zikuwadetsa nkhawa.Kukambitsirana ndi mnzanu kapena wachibale ponena za nkhani imene mukukangana nayo kungakuthandizeninso kumvetsa maganizo anuanu ndi kukupeŵani kukangana,” akulangiza motero Devaleena.
Komanso, yesetsani kupeŵa khalidwe langa-kapena-wamsewu. Kulolerana ndi chinthu chofunika kwambiri pa malamulo omenyana mwachilungamo chifukwa si mikangano yonse yomwe idzatha ndi yankho lomwe lingakhale labwino kwa onse awiri. Nthawi zina, chivundikirocho chikhoza kusokonezedwa. Ndipo apa ndi pamene muyenera kubweretsa kumvetsetsa mu mkangano.
9. Funsani uphungu kuti mudziwe zambiri za malamulo omenyera ufulu wa maanja
Ngati simunathe kuchita zinthu motsatira malamulo omenyera nkhondo mwachilungamo, mungafune kupempha thandizo kwa alangizi. Nthawi zambiri amatha kukupatsani njira zochepetsera mavuto anu, kuti akhazikitse maziko a mikangano yanu kuti isagwedezeke m'madera ovuta - mwachidule, adzakuthandizani polimbana ndi mikangano mwachilungamo. Ngati mukuvutika kuyenda m'malo ovuta a mikangano yaubwenzi, alangizi aluso komanso ovomerezeka omwe ali pagulu la Bonobology ndi ochepa chabe.
Zolozera Mfungulo
- Mikangano ndi gawo losapeŵeka la maubwenzi onse, ngakhale athanzi, kulola anthu awiri kumvetsetsana ndikukulitsa ulemu ndi kukhulupirirana.
- Tonsefe tili ndi masitayelo osiyanasiyana osonyeza kukwiya, kukumana nako ndi kuchita nawo. Ndi zomveka kuti malamulo ena oletsa chilungamo m’banja akhazikitsidwe pakati pa anthu okwatirana kuti ndewuyo ithetsedwe mwachilungamo pofuna kuthetsa kusamvanako mosavuta popanda kusamvana.
- Kusunga malingaliro ndi kamvekedwe ka mawu, osakweza zakale, kukhala olimbikitsa ndi omvera, kukhala ndi malire a nthawi yolimbana, kupanga mawu otetezeka ndi zina mwa njira zambiri zomenyera chilungamo mu maubwenzi.
- Malangizo ena omenyera chilungamo m'banja ndi monga kusakokera ana ku ndewu, kumamatira ku nkhani yomwe ili pafupi komanso kupewa kutukwana.
- Ndikoyenera kufunafuna uphungu kuti muphunzire kulimbana ndi chilungamo muukwati ndi maubwenzi
Ndi bwino kukumbukira kuti kusemphana maganizo ndi mbali ya moyo. Komabe, pali nzeru podziwa kukambirana kapena kukhazikitsa malamulo omenyera ufulu mu maubwenzi kuti akhale athanzi. Devaleena anati: “Pakali pano, mkangano ukhoza kuthetsedwanso pakati ngati m’modzi wasankha kusiya mikanganoyo.
Malamulo omenyera ufulu wa maanja angathe kuwathandiza kufotokoza maganizo awo mmalo mopewa mikangano. Ndani akudziwa, kusamvana ndi chilungamo zingathandize maanja kumvetsetsana mozama.
Ibibazo
Kuti mudziwe momwe mungamenyere chilungamo m'banja muyenera kudzipereka ku malamulo ochepa. Kumbukirani zinthu monga kumvetsera mnzanu, kupeŵa kutchula mayina, kusabweretsa zolakwa zakale, kupanga mawu otetezeka, nthawi yolimbana ndi kusakokera ana kuti asakanike. Banja lithanso kukhala ndi malamulo awoawo kuwonjezera pa izi zomwe zimalemekeza malire awo ndi zosowa zawo.
Ndizovuta kunena kuti kumenyana kuli bwino bwanji. Nthawi zambiri, mikangano mu maubwenzi ndi yosapeweka ndipo ngakhale yathanzi ikasamalidwa bwino. Chofunika kuzindikira apa si kuchuluka kwa momwe okwatirana amamenyana koma momwe amamenyana. Kulimbana kuyenera kukhala kolemetsa kwa banjali popanda kuthetsa bwino pamapeto pake. Ngati ndewu zanu zimatha ndi kumverera kuti mwabwera pafupi ndi mnzanuyo, ndipo pamakhala chisangalalo chokhala ndi yankho labwino, ndiye kuti musade nkhawa kuti mukumenyana bwanji.
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