31 Iimpawu ezikhohlakeleyo Umfazi wakho akasakuthandi

Ukuziva ukude kwaye uqhawukile emtshatweni wakho kunokukushiya uzibuza ukuba ngaba iqabane lakho liphelelwe lithando nawe. Oku kuyinyaniso ngakumbi ukuba umfazi wakho owake waba ne-doting ngokukhawuleza uye wangabi nandaba nawe kunye nomtshato wakho. Xa oko kusenzeka, imiqondiso yokuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi iqalisa ukubonakala. 

Nangona kunokuba buhlungu ukubona ubungqina bakhe bokunciphisa utyalo-mali kuwe, ayisosizathu sokoyika. Ngokuthatha imbono yovelwano kwimeko yakhe, unokuhamba kwiiflegi ezibomvu kwaye ufumane indlela yokuvuselela uxhulumaniso lwakho nomfazi wakho. Yiloo nto kanye eli nqaku lijolise ukukunceda ukuba uyenze. 

Ngoncedo lolwazi oluvela kwezinye zezona ngcali zidumileyo zempilo yengqondo kunye nobudlelwane, silapha ukukunceda ubone iimpawu zomfazi ongamthandiyo, uqonde izizathu ezibangela olu tshintsho kwiimvakalelo, kwaye ufumane iindlela zokuhlangabezana nale meko ngokupheleleyo, ukuze ube nokudubula ekusindiseni umtshato wakho ekubeni ujike ube ngumthwalo ongenaluthando, ongenamphefumlo kuni nobabini. 

Umfazi Wam akasandithandi — Ithetha ukuthini

Ukuze ukwazi ukubona iimpawu umfazi wakho akasakuthandi kwindawo yokuqonda kunye novelwano, kubalulekile ukuba uziqhelanise nesizathu sokuba oku kusenzeka kunye nobungakanani obunokuchaphazela umtshato wakho. Ngexesha elizayo uzifumana ukhala, “Umfazi wam akasandithandi”, mhlawumbi ukuqonda ukuba kutheni oko kuya kukunceda ukuba ungamcaphukeli ngenxa yoko. Kunoko, unokukhuthazwa ukuba uhlolisise ukuba kutheni kunjalo. Isizathu sinokubandakanya: 

• Ukunqongophala komgudu wokudibanisa kunye nokunxibelelana, ukusuka kwelinye okanye kumacala omabini, kukhokelele kwi umgama ngokweemvakalelo 
• Ukungaqondani kunye nemiba engasonjululwanga imtyhalele kude kuwe 
• Uziva engaxatyiswa, engaxatyiswanga, okanye engabonakali kubudlelwane, kwaye ngenxa yoko, uye wakucaphukela. 
• Kusenokwenzeka ukuba uye warhoxa ngokweemvakalelo ngenxa yokuba isimo sakho sengqondo ngakuye—ukumgxeka rhoqo okanye iziqhulo ezenzakalisayo—siye sabangela imekobume enobutshaba, nto leyo eye yabangela ukuba azihlonele.   
• Ukunganyaniseki, enoba kusemzimbeni okanye ngokweemvakalelo, kuye kwashiya ukuthenjwa kwakhe kuphelile. Amanxeba eemvakalelo abangelwe sesi siganeko atya iimvakalelo zakhe ngawe   
• Wena nomfazi wakho niye nahlukana njengabantu ngabanye, nto leyo eye yatshintsha indlela avakalelwa ngayo ngawe 
• Uthwele isixa esikhulu soxanduva lomtshato, umenza azive ecinezelekile okanye elahliwe nguwe. Xa eziva engaxhaswa, kunokuba nzima ukugcina iimvakalelo zothando awayenalo ngawe   
• Ukunqongophala kobudlelwane bomzimba okanye ngokwesondo kunokukhokelela kwiimvakalelo zokungafunwa kwaye kutshabalalise unxibelelwano lweemvakalelo awayeziva kuwe. 
• Benithatha omnye komnye ixesha elide kakhulu ngenxa yokuba ubudlelwane buziva bumile kwaye bunomatshini, okwenza uthando luphele. 

Ukuba esinye sezi zizathu ezibangela ukuba umfazi wakho atshintshe indlela avakalelwa ngayo ngawe, kubalulekile ukuba ungaphindi usitshayele kuba imiphumo yokwenjenjalo inokuba yintlekele. Nantsi indlela umfazi wakho awela ngayo uthando nawe anokuthi achaphazele ngayo ubudlelwane bakho: 

• Usenokuziva erhoxekile ngokweemvakalelo, kukwenza ukuba nobabini nizive nikude nangakumbi kwaye niqhawukile
• Isenokubangela isangqa esikhohlakeleyo sokulwa rhoqo kunye neengxabano kubudlelwane. Awunakukwazi ukuzulazula nakwiiyantlukwano ezincinci ngaphandle kokuba imeko ivuthuza ngokungafaniyo ngaphandle kolawulo.
• Ukungabikho kobudlelwane obusondeleyo kuya kwandisa, kubangele umoya obandayo emtshatweni wakho 
• Imiba yokuthemba, ingqumbo nengqumbo zinokomelela ngakumbi nangakumbi xa umtshato uphelelwa luthando 
• Usenokubonakalisa ukungabi namdla ekwenzeni izicwangciso zekamva ekwabelwana ngalo nawe 
• Ulwalamano lwakho lunokuguquka lube ngumtshato ohlala kunye kunokuba lube liqabane lothando ebelifuna ukuba lilo 
• Njengoko impilo yomtshato wakho isiba mandundu, umfazi wakho usenokuqalisa ukucinga ngokwahlukana okulingwa okanye kwanokuqhawula umtshato.

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Iimpawu ezingama-31 Umfazi wakho akasakuthandi

Kunokukwenza ungcangcazele xa ucinga ukuba iqabane lakho lobomi alikuthandi, ingakumbi xa uqonda impembelelo enokuba nayo emtshatweni wakho nakubomi bakho. Kodwa ke, masingagqibi ekubeni kunjalo ngokwenene. Ukuba nje ebesoloko ehlekisa okanye ephepha ukusondelana akuthethi ukuba ujongene neempawu zomfazi ongenaluthando.

Kuko konke okwaziyo, kusenokwenzeka ukuba ujongene nento ethile emsebenzini, ngokwasemzimbeni, okanye unokucaphuka nje ngento oyenzileyo okanye oyithethileyo. Kuphela kuxa umjikelo wokuziphatha kakubi usiba yipatheni, ukuze kubekho isizathu sokuxhalaba. Ngaba yile nto ujongene nayo? Makhe sikuncede ubone indlela yokuxelela ukuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi: 

1. Umgama ngokweemvakalelo

Ingcali yezengqondo uJohn Gottman ugxininisa ukuba ukungabandakanyeki ngokweemvakalelo yeyona nto iphambili ebangela ukungaphumeleli kobudlelwane. Ngoko ke, ukuba incoko yakho nomfazi wakho ayibalulekanga okanye ijikeleza kuphela kwizinto eziqhelekileyo ezifana neeshedyuli, imisebenzi, nemisebenzi yasekhaya, kwaye uvakalelwa kukuba akasazami ukuqalisa okanye ukubandakanyeka kwiincoko ezinzulu , luphawu lokuba ukhululekile ngokweemvakalelo. Akasaziva enqwenela ukwabelana nawe ngeengcinga neemvakalelo zakhe ngenxa yotshintsho kulwalamano lwakhe nawe ngokweemvakalelo.

2. Uyakuphepha ukubambana ngokwasemzimbeni

Njengoko sele usazi, ukubambana ngokwasemzimbeni lolunye lweelwimi ezintlanu zothando, njengoko kukhankanyiwe nguGqr Gary Chapman-oku kuthetha ukuba ukudibana ngokwasemzimbeni kunye nomnye obalulekileyo yindlela yokupha nokufumana uthando. Ngoku olu nxibelelwano lomzimba alunyanzelekanga ukuba lube ngokwesondo kodwa ngakumbi yimbonakaliso yothando nothando, njenge 

• Ukuwola 
• Ukuphuzana 
• Ukubamba izandla 
• Bebambana bencokola  

Ukuba asingomfazi wakho kuphela ongabonisi luthando kodwa ukwabonakala engakhululekanga ukuba uye waqalisa, oko kubonisa ukuba akasakuthandi ukuba kufutshane nawe. Olu lolunye lweempawu ezibonisa ukuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi. 

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3. Ukunqongophala kokwabelana ngesondo

Ukuba umfazi wakho akakhululekanga kukuchukumisa umzimba, kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukuba afune ukuphepha ukusondelana ngokwesondo njengesibetho. Ukuba akukho nto icacileyo efana noxinzelelo, iingxaki zempilo, okanye ukukhulelwa, umfazi wakho ukuphepha ukusondelana luphawu olucacileyo lokuba ulahlekelwa ziimvakalelo ngawe. Usenokuthi,

• Yeka ukuqalisa ngesondo 
• Yiza nezizathu zokuthintela ukusondelelana 
• Ubonakala ungenamdla kwaye uzimele nokuba uthandana ngokwesondo 

Ingcaphephe ngesini uEsther Perel uthi, “Ukuphelelwa ngumdla ngokwesini kudla ngokubonisa imibandela enzulu yeemvakalelo.” Oku kuyinyani ngokukodwa kwimeko yabasetyhini abalahlekelwa ngumdla wesondo ngenxa yokuba isondo kunye neemvakalelo ziboshwe ngokusondeleyo.  

4. Ubeka phambili abanye ngaphezu kwakho

Enye yezona mpawu zibalaseleyo zomfazi ongenaluthando kukuba uqala ukubeka phambili yonke enye into ebalulekileyo ebomini bakhe ngaphezu kwakho. Unokuqaphela, 

• Ufudumele kwaye unothando ngabantwana okanye nezilwanyana zasekhaya endlwini kodwa ukunika igxalaba elibandayo 
• Ulungiselela izicwangciso nabahlobo bakhe okanye asebenza nabo kodwa uhlala enezizathu zokungaphumeleli ngayo nantoni na oyicebisayo ukuba niyenze kunye 
• Uye wazibhokoxa emsebenzini kunye noxanduva lwasekhaya kangangokuba akukho ndawo ebomini bakhe kuwe 

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5. Ukugxekwa rhoqo

Xa umfazi wakho engasakuthandi, usenokuqalisa ukukugxeka aze acatshukiswe yiyo yonke into oyenzayo. Njengokuba, 

• Unokuqala ukulala kwigumbi elahlukileyo kuba ukurhona kwakho kumnyusa eludongeni 
• Ukhupha amehlo xa usenza izinto apha endlini 
• Akakholisekanga yindlela ophethe ngayo ngayo nantoni na, kwaye wenza amazwi arhabaxa anjengokuthi, “Ngaba ungenza nantoni na elungileyo?” 
• Uyayenza amazwi ahlabayo malunga nenkangeleko yakho, umsebenzi wakho, izinto ozithandayo nangazithandiyo 

UGqr. Gottman uchaza ukugxekwa njengenye " yeeHashe ezine zeApocalypse " kubudlelwane. Ngoko ke ukuba umfazi wakho akonwabanga yiyo nantoni na oyenzayo okanye oyithethayo, luphawu olulumkisayo lwengxaki emtshatweni wakho.

6. Uyakuphepha ukuthetha ngekamva

UGqr. Sue Johnson, ingcali ephambili kwi-Emotionally Focused Therapy, uthi, “Emtshatweni okanye kulwalamano oluhlala ixesha elide, ukungazibandakanyi kucwangciso lwexesha elizayo kudla ngokubonisa ukungabi namdla.” Ukuba umfazi wakho uyekile ukwenza amalungiselelo ekamva kunye nawe—enoba yiholide yakho elandelayo okanye umhlala-phantsi wakho—kukho unobangela wokukhathazeka. Ukungazibophezeli malunga nezicwangciso zexesha elizayo okanye ukuguqula isihloko ukuba usizisa kwakhona iflegi ebomvu ukuba iyenzeka ngokuphindaphindiweyo. 

7. Akanamdla wokusombulula iingxabano

Kusenokuba kukho ixesha emtshatweni wakho apho yonke imilo okanye ukungaboni ngasonye kwakungamxabisi umfazi wakho kwaye wayefuna “ukuthetha ngayo” kwaye “ayilungise”. Kusenokuba kubekho imigaqo efana “nokungalali unomsindo” okanye “ungaze uvumele umlo uqhube ngaphezulu kweentsuku ezi-3”. Kodwa kwenye indawo yatshintsha. 

Ngoku, ukungakhathali kwakhe ngengxabano, ukwala ukubandakanyeka kwiingxabano, kunye nokuzimisela kwakhe ukusombulula iingxaki kukwenza uzive upholile. Nanini na xa kukho umahluko kwiimbono, uthi, “Nokuba yintoni na, yenza oko ukufunayo,” kwaye awukwazi ukuzibamba kodwa ucinge, “Umfazi wam akasandithandi.” Ewe, awuphazamanga. Ingcali yezobudlelwane uGqr. Terri Orbuch uyavuma ukuba ukungabi namdla ekusombululeni iingxabano kuthetha ukurhoxa ngokweemvakalelo kubudlelwane.

8. Uhlala ekhusela

Ukuzikhusela ngenye ye "Abamahashe abane be-Apocalypse" kubudlelwane, ngokutsho kukaDkt Gottman. Ukuba iqhelekile into yokuba umfazi wakho aphendule ngokuzithethelela ngalo lonke ixesha uzisa iinkxalabo zobudlelwane okanye uzama ukulungisa iingxaki zakho, inokuba kungenxa yokuba uhlolwe ngokweemvakalelo. Ngenxa yoko, usenokubhenela ekubhecekiseni ityala, okanye ekudlaleni ikhadi lexhoba, ethetha izinto ezinjengokuthi, “Usoloko undityhola,” okanye “Owu, yonke into lityala lam,” kunokuba aphulaphule aze azame ukusebenzisana nawe ekufumaneni isicombululo.

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9. Uye wagxila ngakumbi kukuzimela kwakhe

Ngoku, ungandiqondi kakubi. Ukugcina ukuzimela kwakho ngelixa usebudlelwaneni ngumkhwa ophilileyo. Nangona kunjalo, xa kugqithiswa kakhulu, kunokuba luphawu lwengxaki. Ingcali yezengqondo uGqr. Harriet Lerner uthi, “Xa imfuneko yokuzimela igubungela ubudlelwane, kunokuba luphawu lokungabandakanyeki.” Usenokushiywa udanile, “Ndiyamkhumbula umfazi wam” kuba uhlala ephaya esenza izinto zakhe. Umzekelo, usenokuba,

• Thatha izinto ezintsha zokuzonwabisa 
• Hamba wedwa 
• Chitha ixesha elininzi nabahlobo 

10. Akasazityand’ igila kuwe 

Umfazi othanda indoda yakhe usenokuyeka ukuzityand’ igila kuye. Echaza isizathu sokuba oku kube yinkathazo, umcebisi ngemitshato uGqr.

Xa umfazi wakho eyeka ukwabelana ngeengcinga zakhe, iimvakalelo, amava emihla ngemihla, uloyiko, kunye namathemba kunye nawe-kwaye endaweni yoko aguqukele kubahlobo bakhe okanye kusapho lwakhe, okanye aqalise nje ukuzibekela izinto kuye-usengozini yokungadibani naye. Usenokungasazi ukuba unjani na okanye uziva njani. Oku kongeza kuphela umgama osele ungenile emtshatweni wakho.  

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11. Ukungafuni ukusebenza kubudlelwane

Ukuphulukana neemvakalelo ngeqabane likabani ngokwemvelo kubangela ukungabi namdla wokulungisa ulwalamano. Yiyo loo nto ukungabikho kokuthanda ukusebenzela ekuphuculeni ubudlelwane bakho yenye yeeflegi ezinkulu ezibomvu zomfazi ongenaluthando. Oku kunokubonakala ngathi, 

• Ukugxotha iingcebiso zonxibelelwano okanye ukufuna uncedo 
• Ukungabonisi mdla kwinkcitho ixesha elibalulekile kunye 
• Ukuphendula ngemvakalelo yokudakumba, esithi, "Yintoni inqaku?"
  

12. Uye waba nemfihlo ngobomi bakhe 

Ngokutsho kwesazi ngengqondo uGqr. Ramani Durvasula, imfihlo ayilophawu nje lokuphuma eluthandweni kodwa isenokubonisa ukungathembeki ngokweemvakalelo okanye ngokwasemzimbeni. Ukuba ugadiwe kwizinto azenzayo, uyazifihla ngakumbi apho akhoyo, aze aqalise ukufihla ifowuni yakhe okanye ukutshintsha amagama ayimfihlo rhoqo, ubonisa iimpawu ezibonisa ukuba ungumfazi oqhathiweyo. Lonto bekumele ikukhathaze kakhulu ngoba ngoku awuzuba nexhala nje ngokuba umfazi wakho akathandani nawe kodwa nokuba uthandana nomnye umntu.  

13. Uqalisa ukukuthelekisa nabanye

Olunye uphawu oluphambili olubonisa ukuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi kukuba uhlala ekuthelekisa ngendlela engafanelekanga namanye amadoda okanye ulwalamano lwakho nolwamanye amaqabane. Usenokuthetha izinto ezibuhlungu ezinje,  

• Kutheni ungenakufana ngakumbi [nomyeni womhlobo]?” 
• “Akwaba bendineqabane elinenkathalo elifana [neqabane lomnye umntu]” 
• Komnye umntu: “Ungumntu othanda uthando.

Lo mgibe wokuthelekisa ubonisa ukunganeliseki okucacileyo, okusenokuba yimbangela yokuba iimvakalelo zakhe ngawe zitshintshe.

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14. Ukungavisisani rhoqo kwimiba engenamsebenzi

Ingcali ngobudlelwane uGqr. Judith Wright uthi, “Ungquzulwano oluphindaphindiweyo kwimiba emincinane lunokuba luphawu lomgama ongokweemvakalelo obangelwa yimiba engekasonjululwa.” Ukuba ujonge iimpawu umfazi wakho akasakuthandi, nikela ingqalelo kwindlela asabela ngayo kwiiyantlukwano kwizinto ezingenamsebenzi. 

Ngaba iiyantlukwano ezincinci ezifana nendawo yokutyela okanye kutheni iimpahla zingasuswanga zibe ziingxabano ezinkulu ezizisa ubudlelwane bakho bonke umbuzo? Ukuba kunjalo, inkosikazi yakho inengxaki ethile yonxunguphalo ngolwalamano yaye oku kusenokuba kuyitshintshile indlela avakalelwa ngayo ngawe.

15. Uyekile ukukhathalela iimvakalelo zakho

Umfazi oyeka ukuthandana nomyeni wakhe ngokwemvelo uya kuba nokungabi namdla kwiimvakalelo zakhe. Ingcali yezonyango uGqr. Lisa Firestone uthi, “Oku kunokubangela ukungakhathalelwa ngokweemvakalelo kulwalamano , apho umfazi wakho engasakhathali ngendlela oziva ngayo okanye anganikeli inkxaso okanye intuthuzelo.” Okubi nangakumbi, endaweni yoko angaphendula ngokucaphuka okanye ngokungakhathali ukuba uvakalisa iimvakalelo zakho kuye.

16. Unikela ingqalelo ngakumbi kwinkangeleko yakhe

Xa umfazi eqalisa ukuphulukana neemvakalelo ngendoda yakhe, usenokuyibuyisela ingqalelo yakhe kuye aze achithe ixesha elininzi namandla akhe ukuze abe mhle. Ukubamba kukuba, akukho nanye kuloo nzame yeyakho. Usenokusoloko enxiba ukuya koosithoba xa besiya kuzikhupha neembutho zolonwabo ezingakubandakanyiyo kodwa usenokubonakala engakhathali ngenkangeleko yakhe kwizicwangciso ezibandakanya wena. 

Oku kusenokuba lolunye lweempawu umfazi wakho athanda enye indoda. Isazi ngengqondo uGqr. Wendy Walsh uthi, “Ukutshintsha kwenkangeleko nemikhwa kunokubonisa umnqweno wokufuna ukuqinisekiswa kwangaphandle.” Ngokucacileyo akafuni kuqinisekiswa kuwe. Umbuzo ngulo, ngubani ke?

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17. Uyakuphepha ukudibana namehlo

Iimpawu zomfazi ongenaluthando zinokufumaneka kulwimi lomzimba wakhe okufutshane nawe. Esinye isalathiso sokuxela kukufuna kwakhe ukunqanda ukudibana kwamehlo, oluyindlela ebalulekileyo yothethathethwano phakathi kwabantu ababini ekhuthaza umanyano ngokweemvakalelo. Ukuba umfazi wakho uyakuphepha ukukujonga ngexesha lencoko kwaye ukhetha ukungcwaba ubuso bakhe kwifowuni yakhe naxa uthetha naye okanye ujonge apha naphaya, uthumela umyalezo ocacileyo wokuba akakhululekanga okanye akanamdla. 

18. Akasenamona

“Nangona umona ongafanelekanga uyingozi , inqanaba elithile lokukhathazeka libonisa utyalo-mali oluvela kwiimvakalelo,” ucacisa uGqr. Oburch. Xa uthando luphela, nomona okanye ukungazithembi malunga nokusebenzisana kwakho nabanye abafazi kuyaphela. Ukuba ukhankanya into ebeya kumenza abe luhlaza ngenxa yomona kwixesha elidlulileyo—njengomntu wangaphambili ohamba kwi-DM yakho, isidlo sasemini nomntu omthandayo eyunivesithi, okanye ukuya kwinkomfa nomntu osebenza naye obhinqileyo—kwaye akabonisi nkxalabo, unokuqiniseka ukuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi.

19. Ukhalazela 'kubanjiswa'

Wazi njani ukuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi? Ewe, esinye sezona zalathisi zibuhlungu zokuphuma kwakhe eluthandweni kukuba ukhalaza ngokuziva ebambekile kubudlelwane. Oku kunokuvela njengeengxelo ezibonisa ukuphoxeka kwakhe, 

• “Akwaba andizange ndikutshate”
• “Thixo, akwaba bendinokusuka ndiye ndaweni ithile ndingaze ndibuye”
• "Ukuba nje bendinokuqala phantsi ..."

Ingcaphephe yomtshato uGqr John Amodeo uchaza ukuba xa iqabane liziva livalelwe, lisenokuba sele licinga ngokushiya. Ukuba umfazi wakho ebesoloko ethetha ngolo hlobo ngokufuthi ngokwaneleyo, oko kuluphawu lokuba umtshato wakho umile kwimilenze yawo yokugqibela. Ukuba ufuna ukuyilungisa, kufuneka wenze ngoku.  

20. Utyale ngakumbi kobunye ubudlelwane

Ngenxa yokuba engasaluva uthando, umsa, kunye nenkathalo ethe yamanyaniswa nawe, usenokuhlehla kakhulu kuluhlu lwakhe oluphambili. Umfazi wakho usenokuqalisa ukuchitha ixesha namandla angakumbi ekukhuliseni olunye ulwalamano olubalulekileyo ebomini bakhe. Ngokomzekelo, unako

• Chitha ingokuhlwa yakhe nabantwana, ubancedise kumsebenzi wasekhaya, ubukele umabonwakude kunye nabo, udlala imidlalo yebhodi, uthetha nabo
• Qala ukuthetha kwaye undwendwele abazali bakhe okanye abantakwabo rhoqo 
• Chitha iiyure ukuthetha okanye ukuthumela imiyalezo nabahlobo bakhe endaweni yokuchitha ixesha elisemgangathweni nawe 
• Hamba uhambo olude kunye nesilwanyana sasekhaya okanye uchithe iimpelaveki uzilungisa endaweni yokuzola nawe  

Ukufunda Okunxulumeneyo: Ngaba Uzixakeke Kakhulu Kubudlelwane Kunomlingani Wakho?

21. Ukunciphisa umgudu kwimisebenzi ekwabelwana ngayo

Xa uphawula utshintsho kwindlela aziphatha ngayo, usenokufikelela ekuqondeni, “Umfazi wam wayendithanda kodwa engasaphindi”, uze wenze isigqibo sokwenza okuthile ngaloo nto. Ke, uyanyuka kwaye uqalise ukwenza izicwangciso kwaye ucebise ukwenza izinto kunye-ukuphinda ujonge umdla ekwabelwana ngawo okanye izinto ozithandayo, okanye uze nemibono emitsha yokuba nichithe ixesha kunye nomnye. Noko ke, endaweni yokuba abe nemincili, umfazi wakho ubajongile bonke ngesizathu esinye okanye esinye. Umzekelo, 

• Uthi, "Heyi, masibhake kunye, asizange siyenze loo nto ixesha elide." Uyaphendula, “Owu, asinazo zonke izithako.”
• Uyabuza, "Ufuna ukuya kwimuvi kule mpelaveki?" Uthi, “Sendinazo izicwangciso.”
• Ucebisa, "Kuthekani ukuba sihambe ngempelaveki, mna nawe kuphela." Uthi, “Kuninzi okwenzekayo emsebenzini, andikwazi. 

Oku kuthetha ukuba ukhetha ukuba yedwa kwaye ufuna ukuphepha ukuba nawe nokuba kunjani na kuba kukho ukungavisisani okukhulu ngokweemvakalelo kulwalamano.

22 Uhlala ephazamisekile

Ukuba umfazi wakho uhlala exakekile, akabonakali ngokupheleleyo xa nikunye, isenokuba yindlela engaqondakaliyo yokuzahlukanisa nawe. Unokumqaphela ejonga ii-imeyile okanye ekroba kwifowuni yakhe nanjengoko uzama ukuthetha naye, kwaye iimpendulo zakhe zimbi. 

23. Ukutshintsha kweemvakalelo rhoqo

Ukuba awuyazi into eza kumcaphukisa umfazi wakho kwaye uhlala uzifumana uhamba phezu kwamaqokobhe eqanda ajikeleze yena kuba imeko yakhe itshintsha ukusuka ekubeni buhlungu nokuxinezeleka ukuya ekubeni nomsindo nomsindo ngaphandle kwesizathu okanye isizathu esibonakalayo, kusenokwenzeka ukuba akonwabanga kukutshata nomntu angasamthandiyo. Oku kunokubangela uxinzelelo olukhulu kunye noxinzelelo kulwalamano.

24. Ujonga izinto ezenziwa lusapho

Ngoxa esenokuchitha ixesha namandla ekukhuliseni amaqhina entsapho, usenokungabi namdla kangako xa nibandakanyeke kwizinto zentsapho ezinjengohambo, iimbutho, okanye kwanezidlo. Usenokufumanisa ukuba uyazikhupha ngokuphindaphindiweyo kwezi ziganeko, kwaye naxa eye kuzo, uba ngumthathi-nxaxheba ongenzi nto. Lo ngumqondiso obalulekileyo weengxaki zobudlelwane.

Ukufunda Okunxulumeneyo: Umfazi Wam Uhlala Enomsindo Kwaye Engonwabanga: Izizathu Neendlela Zokujongana Nazo

25. Ayisekho ukulwa nawe

Njengoko besitsho, xhalaba xa eyeka ukulwa nawe. Luphawu lokuba umfazi uzinikele ngokupheleleyo ukuzama ukulungisa into awayevakalelwa kukuba ayisebenzi kulwalamano kwaye ngoku uyekile. Akanandaba neengxaki ezazimkhathaza—njengokuba usebenza kade okanye ungamniki ixesha. “ Ukuzihlukanisa ngokweemvakalelo kudla ngokubonakala ngathi kukunganaki,” utshilo ugqirha wengqondo uGqr. Shirley Glass. Ukuba awukhumbuli ixesha lokugqibela awaqala ngalo ukulwa nawe kuba wayeziva ebuhlungu, edanile, okanye edanile, ulahlekelwe yiyo yonke imvakalelo yakhe.

26. Akamkhathazi kangako ziingxabano

Kwanokuba kuqalwa ingxabano, ayimkhathazi njengangaphambili. Akazami nzima ukwenza ukuba ubone imbono yakhe okanye akuncede uqonde oko akufunayo kuwe. Kunoko, unokusuka nje ahambe kwiingxabano, mhlawumbi ngokuvala kunye nokwala ukubandakanya okanye ukushiya igumbi. Oku kubonisa ukuba ukungakhathali ngokweemvakalelo kuye kwathabathel’ indawo uthando awayenalo ngawe ngaphambili.  

27 Akusabingeki;

Umfazi oye wazinza emtshatweni wakhe ngokweemvakalelo uya kuqala ukuzibeka yena neemfuno zakhe kuqala, ngalo lonke ixesha. Ngenxa yoko, ungaphawula ukuba akasafuni ukuzincama okanye ukuyekelela nokulungisa izinto ezaziqhele ukwenziwa. Umzekelo, usenokuthi hayi ekuqhubeni intlanganiso emsebenzini kuba ufuna ukuba akukhaphe uye kwisidlo sasemini emsebenzini okanye uvume ukurhoxisa isidlo sangokuhlwa nabantu osebenza nabo kuba kufuneka usebenze kade kwaye ulindele ukuba abe sekhaya ukuze ajonge abantwana, nto leyo nanivumelene ngayo ngaphambili.

Ukufunda Okunxulumeneyo: Ukuzincama Kubudlelwane – Nini, Yintoni Kwaye Kangakanani?

28. Usebenzisa imali kabini

I-Bifurcating finance yiflegi enkulu ebomvu yomtshato ebonisa ukuba umfazi wakho akazange aphelelwe uthando nawe kodwa unokuphinda acinge ngekamva lomtshato. Yazi ukuba umtshato wakho usengxakini ukuba ubona ezi mpawu zilandelayo zokungabandakanywanga, 

• Uyekile ukufaka isandla kwiinjongo zezimali ekwabelwana ngazo njengokugcinela ikhaya okanye ukucwangcisa iholide
• Uvule iakhawunti yebhanki eyahlukileyo 
• Ukhupha utyalo-mali oludibeneyo kwaye uhamba yedwa 
• Ufumanise ukuba unemali oyongileyo ungazi nto ngayo

Ukufunda Okunxulumeneyo: Amaqhinga Angama-9 Oqhawulo-mtshato Afihlakeleyo kunye Neendlela Zokulwa Nawo

29. Akakuncomanga ixesha elide 

Ukuncoma nokuqinisekisa kudlala indima ebalulekileyo ekuqiniseni ubudlelwane besibini ngokuhamba kwexesha. UGqr. Gary Chapman, umbhali wencwadi ethi The 5 Love Languages , ugxininisa ukuba amazwi okuqinisekisa abalulekile kunxibelelwano lweemvakalelo, kwaye ukungabikho kwawo kunokubonisa ukungabi namdla. Ukuba ukuncoma namazwi okwazisa anqabile kwaye akasakuxabisi impumelelo okanye inkangeleko yakho, nokuba kufanelekile, yazi ukuba ukwahlukana ngokweemvakalelo kunzulu.

30. Uye wafunda ukunandipha ukuba yedwa

Uchanile xa ucinga ukuba, “Umfazi wam akasandithandi,” ukuba ukhetha ukuba wedwa kunokuchitha ixesha nawe. UGqr. Ukuba ukhetha ukuhamba yedwa naxa ucela ukuhamba naye, thatha uhambo lwedwa ukuya kwindawo obusoloko ufuna ukuya kuyo okanye uchithe ixesha lakhe lokuphumla nencwadi okanye ifowuni yakhe endaweni yokuba nawe, luphawu olucacileyo lokuba akasakuthandi. 

31. Uthetha ngokwahlukana

Ngoku, le yinto enkulu kwaye ingakubetha ngequbuliso nokuba ubusoloko ubona iimpawu zokuba umfazi wakho akasakuthandi. Ukuba uqala ukucebisa ukuba nihlukane okanye asebenzise igama elithi D kuyo yonke impikiswano, oko kuthetha ukuba ebecinga nzulu ngokushiya ubudlelwane.

Indlela yokuhlangabezana neempawu zoMfazi ongenaluthando 

UPatrick, umhlalutyi wezokhuseleko waseNew York, wayejongene nokuqonda okungathandekiyo, “Umfazi wam akasavuyi. Ndicinga ukuba uphelelwe luthando nam.” Endaweni yokuvuma ukuba umtshato wakhe uza kuphelelwa lixesha aze abukele umtshato wakhe uphela, wagqiba ekubeni athathe inyathelo. “Ukuqonda intlungu nentlungu yomfazi wam kwandivula amehlo ndabona apho ndandingekho khona kulwalamano, ndaza ndagqiba ekubeni ndithathe umthwalo wokulungisa ulwalamano lwethu olwaluqhekeka.

“Kwamthatha iinyanga ngaphambi kokuba akholelwe ukuba imigudu neenjongo zam zazinyanisekile.” Kodwa wathi akubona ukuba ndizimisele ukusindisa umtshato wethu, waqalisa ukudibana nam, yaye sakwazi ukuphinda sinxibelelane.” Ukuba uPatrick wayenokukwenza, nawe unako—ukuba nje ukulungele ukwenza umsebenzi. Nazi iingcebiso ezi-5 ezixhaswa yingcali ukukunceda umelane neempawu zomfazi ongathandiyo kwaye mhlawumbi ujike ubudlelwane bakho:

1. Qonda indlela ekutshintshe ngayo iimvakalelo zakhe kuwe 

Enoba ziziphi na iimeko ezakhokelela ekubeni umfazi wakho angakuthandi, ukungakhathali nokungabi namdla kwakhe ngokweemvakalelo ngokuqinisekileyo kuya kukuchaphazela. Inyathelo lokuqala lokumelana nale meko inzima kukuzivumela ukuba uzive ubungakanani beemvakalelo olu tshintsho kubudlelwane bakho obuguquguqukayo luzisa. 

Zinike imvume yokuziva ulusizi, ubuhlungu, okanye ukubhideka ngaphandle kokuzama ukucinezela ezo mvakalelo. Inokukunceda ukubonakalisa iimvakalelo zakho ngokubhala, ukucamngca, okanye ukuthetha nomhlobo othembekileyo okanye ugqirha. Usizi lungokwemvelo kwiimeko apho uthando lubonakala lulahlekile, lwamkele.

2. Ncokola ngokuphandle, kodwa ngaphandle kokubeka ityala

UGqr. Gottman uthi, “Ingxabano kufuneka ibe lithuba lokuba omabini amaqabane afunde ngakumbi ngawo nangolwalamano lwawo. Yisombulule ngomdla, ungagxeki.” Ngenxa yoko, kufuneka uziqhelise unxibelelwano olungagwebiyo noluvulekileyo ukuze ukwazi ukufikelela kwiqabane elisenokuba livaleleke ngokweemvakalelo.

Ukusondela kwincoko ngovelwano usebenzisa amazwi athi “Mna” ukunqanda ukuvela njengesityholo kunokutshintsha umdlalo apha. Umzekelo, endaweni yokuthi, "Ubukude kwaye urhoxile", yithi, "Bendiziva ndikude mva nje kwaye bendifuna ukuqonda ukuba uziva njani ngathi." Oku kuya kunika umfazi wakho ithuba lokuvakalisa iimvakalelo zakhe kwaye akunikeze ukucaca apho ubuhlobo bakho bumi khona. 

Ukufunda Okunxulumeneyo: Izinto ezili-11 Ezenzekayo Xa Umfazi Evala Umsindo Ngokweemvakalelo - Nendlela Yokuphinda Aqhagamshelane

3. Funa uncedo lweengcali

Ubuza ukuba ndingenza njani ukuba umfazi wam andithande kwakhona? Ndicela uncedo kugqirha wengqondo okanye kumcebisi womtshato. Xa umgama weemvakalelo kubudlelwane uba nzima, ingcebiso inokukunceda ufikelele kwisizathu kwaye ikukhokele ekuphilisweni. Cebisa unyango lwezibini uze ubone ukuba umfazi wakho ukulungele na. Ukuba kunjalo, lithemba elincinci malunga nokuba kunokwenzeka na ukusindisa umtshato wenu. Ukuba ulahlekelwe lukholo kwikamva lobudlelwane benu kangangokuba akavakalelwa kukuba akukho nto inokuyilungisa, cinga ngokubona ugqirha wengqondo ngamnye ukuze alungise iimvakalelo zakho aze afumane umbono ngobudlelwane. Sebenzisa ezo ngqiqo ukwenza indima yakho ekuvuseleleni ubudlelwane benu.

4. Gxininisa kukukhula kobuqu

Endaweni yokugxila ekulahlekelweni luthando, gxila ekukhuleni kwakho kwaye ube yinguqulelo engcono kakhulu kuwe. Oku kunokukunceda wakhe kwakhona ukuzithemba kwakho . Ungamangaliswa kukubona indlela ukuzibona ujongeka ngayo kunokunceda ekuvuseleleni ubudlelwane bakho ngeendlela ezingalindelekanga. “Ukuziphucula akupheleli nje ekuphuculeni impilo-ntle yakho kodwa kuphucula nomgangatho wobudlelwane bakho ngokutshintsha ingqalelo ekugxekeni uye ekukhuleni,” utshilo uGqr. Orbuch. Nazi ezinye iindlela onokubeka phambili ngazo uphuhliso lomntu,

• Thatha izinto ezintsha zokuzonwabisa
• Gxininisa kumsebenzi wakho 
• Misela kwaye ulandele iinjongo zokufaneleka
• Chitha ixesha usenza imisebenzi ekwenza uzive uzalisekile kwaye uzithembile

Ukufunda Okunxulumeneyo: Iingcebiso Ezili-9 Zokuxolela Umntu Omthanda Kakhulu

5. Gqiba xa ilixesha lokuyeka

Ngamanye amaxesha umsantsa kubudlelwane unzulu kangangokuba nangona wenza konke okusemandleni akho, usenokungakwazi ukuvuselela ubudlelwane bakho nomfazi wakho. Ukuba wenza konke okusemandleni akho ukubuyisa uthando lwakhe kodwa akakulungelanga ukudibana nawe phakathi, yenye yeempawu zokuba umfazi wakho akafuni ukuphinda axolelane. Elo liphawu elikhulu lokuba lixesha lokuba ukhululeke kwaye ugxile ekuphilisweni nasekupholeni kwesi sithintelo. “Ukuyeka ubudlelwane obungasakuncedi sisenzo sokuzikhathalela. Kuvumela indawo yokuphiliswa, ukukhula, kunye nokwenzeka kothando lwexesha elizayo,” ubhala ugqirha wengqondo uGqr. Lisa Marie Bobby kwincwadi yakhe ethi Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex-Love.

Iingcinga Final

Le miqondiso siyidwelisileyo ayibobungqina buqinisekileyo bokuba umfazi wakho uphelelwe luthando kodwa ngokuqinisekileyo ziiflegi ezibomvu ezingaziwayo zokuba kukho into engahambi kakuhle emtshatweni wakho. Ukuhlangabezana nale nyaniso kufuna ukomelela ngokweemvakalelo, ukunxibelelana ngokuphandle, nokuzinyamekela. Nokuba ubudlelwane bunokugcinwa okanye hayi, ezi zicwangciso ziya kukunceda ujonge ukungaqiniseki kwaye ufumane ulungelelwaniso lweemvakalelo.

21 Iimpawu ezicacileyo Akafuni Ubudlelwane nawe

Iimpawu ezili-13 ezifihlakeleyo Umfazi wakho akasatsali kuwe ngoku-kunye nezinto ezi-5 onokuthi uzenze

Iimpawu ezili-15 zesilumkiso iqabane lakho lilahlekelwa ngumdla kubudlelwane

Igalelo lakho alilomnikelo wesisa . Liza kuvumela iBonobology ukuba iqhubeke nokukuzisela ulwazi olutsha noluhlaziyiweyo ekuzameni kwethu ukunceda nabani na emhlabeni ukuba afunde ukwenza nantoni na.

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