Izindlela Ezingu-9 Zokuzizwa Ungcono Ngemva Kokuhlukana

Uma zonke izimpi zesitayela seNdaba yomshado seziphelile, lapho ukusunduza nokudonsa kokuhlukana okubi kugcina kudambile, okusele umuzwa ocwilayo olandela ukuhlukana kwenu. Kungase kukwenze uzizwe sengathi akukho okuyoke kufane, futhi ukuthola indlela yokuzizwa ungcono ngemva kokuhlukana kubonakala kuwukufisa.

Hhayi ngoba ungafuni ukuba ngcono, kodwa ngoba awazi ukuthi ungakwenza kanjani. Abangani bakho bangase bakutshele ngazo zonke izinhlanzi zasolwandle noma ikilabhu entsha oyinqaba okufanele uye kuyo, kodwa ukuthola ugqozi lokwamukela amathemba amaningi okulethwa isimo sakho esisha sokungashadi ngokuvamile kungaba yingxenye enzima kakhulu.

Njengamanje, cishe uyazi ukuthi abangani bakho bokuhlukana u-Ben (& Jerry) kanye no-Jack (Daniels) abakwazi ukukunikeza izimpendulo ozidingayo. Sivumele ukuthi singene masinyane ngamathiphu angakusiza ukuthi ubuyele ezinyaweni zakho, nodokotela wezengqondo Shazia Saleem (Iziqu ze-Psychology), ogxile ekuhlukaniseni nasekululekeni ngokwezehlukaniso.

Izindlela Ezingu-9 Zokuzizwa Ungcono Ngemva Kokuhlukana

Cha, awudingi ukungena ngaphansi komuntu ukuze unqobe umuntu. Cha, ukuhlola izithombe zabo kugalari yakho kaningi ngeke kusize. Cha, ukufunda kabusha izingxoxo ezindala ngeke kusize. Futhi ngeke balandele i-Instagram yabo.

Ungachofozi leyo nkinobho yekholi eduze kwegama labo obulokhu ubagqolozele. Ungalaleli kakhulu u-Taylor Swift, futhi cha, ama-bang awakufanelanga. Iphuzu liwukuthi, usuvele wazi kahle ukuthi yini okungafanele uyenze ukuze uphulukise kusukela ekuhlukaneni, kodwa sigcina sizitika noma kunjalo.

Ukuze uqonde indlela yokuqeda ukuhlukana, funda ukulalela umgxeki wakho wangaphakathi kakhudlwana. Uma usukwazi ukuyeka ukwenza izinqumo ezilimazayo owaziyo ukuthi zimbi kuwe, uzoba nobusuku obumbalwa lapho kuthatha ibutho labangane ukukuvimbela ukuthi ushayele i-ex yakho ngo-2 am Yiqiniso, lokho kwenzeka kuphela uma uzivumela ukuthi uzwe imizwa yakho futhi wamukele ukuhlukana. Ake sibheke zonke izinto okufanele uzenze ngemva kokuhlukana okungakusiza ukufeza lokho kanye:

1. Indlela engcono kakhulu futhi enzima kakhulu yokuphulukisa kusukela ekuhlukaneni: Umthetho wokungaxhumani

Cishe ubungalindele ukuthi lolu hlu lwezindlela zokuzizwa ungcono ngemva kokuhlukana luqale ngokuthile okuzokwenza uzizwe kabi, ekuqaleni noma kunjalo. Nokho, njengoba Shazia uthi, “I umthetho wokungathintani, isikhathi esiningi, yenza izimanga ukukusiza uqhubekele phambili. Ilandela isisho esithi, “Awuboni, awukho engqondweni”.

Nokho, ubuhlungu obufika ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukanisa nalo muntu ekuphileni kwakho bungakhungathekisa. Ukuze ngimelane nalokho, ngikholelwa ukuthi ikhambi ukwamukela. Ekugcineni izinto ziyoqala ukuba ngcono lapho wamukela ukuthi ubuhlobo buphelile ngempela nokuthi kulungile ukuzwa imizwa yakho, ukudabuka, nokudabuka.

Kungase kungakwenzi uzizwe ungcono ngokushesha; kungase kukwenze uzizwe kubi ngokuphindwe izikhathi eziyisigidi esikhathini esifushane, kodwa esikuhlosile ukukhula kwesikhathi eside, hhayi ukulungiswa kwesikhashana. Ngeke uvumele isilonda siphole uma ulokhu uvula imithungo ngaphansi kwengubo “yokuvalwa”, akunjalo?

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2. Khuluma nabantu ngakho

Asikuceli ukuthi uphenduke u-Debbie Downer futhi uhlale ukhononda ngeyakho ubudlelwano obuhlulekile kuwo wonke umuntu ongahleliwe ohlangana naye, kodwa ukukhuluma ngendlela ozizwa ngayo nokuthi kwenzekeni nabantu abakukhathalelayo kungasiza kakhulu.

Nakuba sazi ukuthi ukukhuluma nabantu esibathembayo kungaba enye yezinto ezingcono kakhulu esingazenza ngemva kokuhlukana, ngokuvamile sivumela isilingo sokufuna ukubalekela wonke umuntu. Sithembe, uma sithi ukuzivalela ekamelweni lakho ngezimpelasonto ngeke kukusize. Uma unenhlanhla yokuba nabantu empilweni yakho abafuna ukukusiza futhi abafuna ukukubona uzizwa ungcono, finyelela futhi ukhulume nabo.

PS: Ngisho noma ungafuni ukukhuluma nge-ex yakho, izinga elithile lizophuma olimini lwakho uma ukhuluma nabantu ozizwa ukhululekile nabo. Futhi mfana, kuyasiza lokho.

3. Zinike isikhathi futhi ube nomusa kuwe

Ukuqonda indlela yokuzizwa ungcono ngemva kokuhlukana kuncike kakhulu ekubeni nomusa kuwe. Awukwazi ukuziphoqa ukuthi ujabule kakhulu ngemva kwesonto noma uzizonde uma usakhumbula i-ex yakho ngemva kwesikhathi eside esidlule.

Kodwa-ke, kungenzeka futhi ukuthi ungagcina uvumele imizwa yakho engalungile ithathe futhi uzizwe udabukile ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. UShazia usikhanyisela ngokuthi ungakugwema kanjani lokho. “Zijwayeze ukuba nomusa. Ukuze ekugcineni uzizwe ujwayelekile ngemva kokuhlukana, kubalulekile ukuba ube nomusa kuwe futhi wazi ukuthi uhambo luzothatha isikhashana, ikakhulukazi uma ucabanga ukuthi udonsa kanzima. ukucindezeleka ngemva kokuhlukana.

"Nakekela umzimba wakho, ingqondo yakho, umphefumulo wakho, futhi uvume imizwa yokudabuka nokulahlekelwa ozizwayo. Isikhathi esiningi, abantu bayadabukisa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi ngoba bamelana nobuhlungu bokuqala bosizi. Uma usuzivumele ukuthi uzwe imizwa yakho futhi ungayibalekele, uzoqala ukuqonda ukuthi ungazizwa kanjani kangcono ngemva kokuhlukana."

4. Zigcine umatasa

Impela, cishe uzozwa lesi seluleko ngaso sonke isikhathi uma uveza inkinga yakho yokuthi uzizwa ungcono kanjani ngemva kokuhlukana, futhi siyazi ukuthi akulula kakhulu ngaso sonke isikhathi ukuzigcina umatasa, ikakhulukazi uma ungagqugquzeleki ngokwanele ukwenza izinhlelo.

“Uma ungakulangazeleli ngempela ukuzigcina umatasa futhi ungenaso isisusa sokwenza noma yini, yazi ukuthi kulungile ukuba kanjalo,” kusho uShazia, “akunakwenzeka ukuba uzizwe ungcono ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukana, futhi kulungile uma uthatha isikhathi sakho.

“Sikulungele ukubalekela imizwa engemihle futhi siyidelele. Uma, esikhundleni salokho, uyemukela futhi uyikhiphe ohlelweni lwakho ngesikhathi esifanele, ekugcineni uzothola ugqozi lokukusiza ukuthi uzenzele izinqumo ezingcono.” Futhi ekugcineni, uzobe usulungele lokho usuku lokuqala ngalowo muntu umngane wakho ulokhu ezama ukukuxhumanisa naye.

5. Zibandakanye ezintweni zokuzilibazisa osekunesikhathi zalahleka

Ubudlelwano buthatha isikhathi sethu esiningi, futhi ukulimala kokuqala kwenqubo kuvamise ukuba yilesi siginci se-acoustic esiqoqa uthuli ekhoneni lekhabethe lakho noma amabhulashi manje alindele ngokulangazela ukulandwa futhi.

Qondisa imizwa yakho ephansi yozwelo kuwe futhi uvumele ilukuluku lakho lemvelo libonakale, bese uphinda wenze izinto ongazilibazisa ngazo zakudala. Ekupheleni kosuku, lapho uzizwa ngokwengeziwe njengawe, kulapho uzoqala khona ukuzizwa ujwayelekile ngemva kokuhlukana.

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6. Cabangela ukwelashwa

Uma ucabanga ukuthi udinga usizo lochwepheshe ukuze uqonde ukuthi uzizwa kanjani kangcono ngemva kokuhlukana, kungaba esinye sezinqumo ezinhle kakhulu ozenzela zona. Ekhuluma ngale ndaba, UDkt. Aman Bhonsle ngaphambili watshela i-Bonobology, “Lapho abantu bethembela kubangane esikhundleni sochwepheshe bezempilo yengqondo, kungase kugcine kwenza ubuhlungu babo bube bubi nakakhulu.

Iseluleko esibi esinjengokuthi “nalokhu kuzodlula”, “izinhlanzi eziningi olwandle”, nokuthi “kufanele ungene ngaphansi kothile ukuze unqobe othile” silimaza kakhulu kunokuhle.” Kuzwakala kuyinkondlo kodwa akunanzuzo engokoqobo.

"Umndeni wakho noma abangani bakho bangase babe ne-ajenda futhi bangase bakutshele izinto ofuna ukuzizwa. Umelaphi akanagunya lokukuhlaba umxhwele. Abelaphi bazokuthuthukisa impilo yakho Impilo yengqondo ngokukusiza ukuthi ukhiphe leli gciwane elingokwengqondo elikuthelele ngokukutshela okukulungele futhi okufanele ukuzwe, hhayi lokho ofuna ukukuzwa.”

U-Shazia uthi, “Umelaphi angakusiza ukuba ubhekane nesimo; angakusiza ubone izindawo eziyinkinga yakho futhi akusize ekuqondise ezindleleni ezingase zibe nezisombululo. Angakusiza ukuba uqaphele amaphethini ekuziphatheni kwakho futhi akuqondise ekuzenzeleni izinqumo ezingcono.”

Uma ucabanga ukuthi usesimweni esibi ngemva kokuhlukana kwenu futhi awukwazi ukuzitholela izimpendulo ozidingayo, i-Bonobology ine iphaneli yabelaphi abanolwazi ongakusiza ukuthi ulawule imizwa yakho kangcono.

7. Ukuzivocavoca kungakusiza ukuthi uqale ukuzizwa ungcono ngaso leso sikhathi

Ungase ungafuni ukusukuma "u-ayisikhilimu esiswini sakho kusofa", kodwa izifundo ezingenakubalwa ziye zaphakamisa ukuthi uma ukuvivinya umzimba kwamukelwa ngokwelashwa, kusiza kakhulu ukulawula izimpawu nezimpawu zokucindezeleka.

Ngakho-ke, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzama ukuthola ukuthi ungaphulukisa kanjani ekuhlukaneni lapho usabathanda noma ufuna nje izinto ongazenza ngemva kokuhlukana, ukuthatha i-barbell kungasiza. I-Harvard Health ize ize ithi ukuvivinya umzimba kukodwa kungaba kuhle njengama-antidepressants kwezinye izimo.

Ucwaningo luphinde luphakamise ukuthi kukhona ukuhlobana phakathi kokuzivivinya nokuzethemba, ngakho-ke asikho isizathu sokuthi kungani ukuvivinya umzimba kungabi yimpendulo yakho ekutheni ungakwenza kanjani. uzizwe ungcono ngemva kokuhlukana.

8. Ungalokothi ulahlekelwe umuzwa wakho wokuzethemba

“Ukuzihlonipha kubaluleke kakhulu uma uzama phulukisa ekuhlukaneni,” kusho uShazia: “Uma umuntu ezizwa ezethemba futhi ezihlonipha, ubuhlobo obungaphumeleli abukwazi ukwenza lowo muntu azizwe engafunwa.

“Ubudlelwano abuphumeleli ngenxa yezizathu eziningi, kungenzeka ukuthi nabuqeda ngokuvumelana, noma bebumuncu, kodwa ukuthi abantu ababili bavumelane ngokuhlukana akusho ukuthi omunye wabo kufanele azisole yena ngokuphelele ngakho futhi azehlise isithunzi.

“Ungakuvumeli lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kuchaze ukuthi yini oyicabangayo ngawe.” Kulapho kuphela lapho uzwelana nawe lapho ungaqala khona ukuzizwa ujwayelekile ngemva kokuhlukana.Uma kungenjalo, ungase ube sengozini yobuhlobo obunobuthi esikhathini esizayo, ucabange ukuthi yilokho kuphela okukufanele,” uyanezela.

9. Hlangana nabantu

Uzobe uqamba amanga uma uthi ubuhlobo bakho abuzange bukuphazamisile nabanye abangani. Manje njengoba usunesikhathi esiningi ezandleni zakho, sekuyisikhathi sokuvumela imizwa engaphansi njengothando lwe-platonic kubangani bakho igqame.

Ugcine nini ukuba nobusuku bamantombazane noma ubusuku babafana? Hlangana nabo bonke abantu olahlekelwe ukuxhumana nabo, phuma, futhi ujabulele.

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Lapho ubambekile emgwaqeni wokuzama phulukisa ekuhlukaneni lapho usabathanda, ungase uqale ukucabanga ukuthi lokhu kuphelelwa ithemba akusoze kwaphela. Ngaphandle kwalokho, ungase uqale ukuqhathanisa ukuphulukiswa kwakho nokuphulukiswa kwabanye futhi uqale ukucabanga kabi ngawe.

Kuphoqelekile ukuhlala kude kuyo yomibili imigqa yokucabanga. UShazia uyachaza ngokuqhubekayo, “Ukuze ugweme ukuvumela imicabango nemizwa yakho engalungile ikulawule, zibonise umusa.” Kumelwe futhi uqonde ukuthi wonke umuntu uphatha imizwelo enjalo ngendlela ehlukile, ngakho ungalokothi uziqhathanise nabanye.

“Uma umuntu omaziyo ephinde wahlukana nesehlukaniso lingakapheli isonto, asikho isidingo sokuqhathanisa uhambo lwakho nolwakhe njengoba ubudlelwano bakhe, impilo yakhe, ukuzinza kwakhe ngokomzwelo kanye nazo zonke ezinye izici ongazicabanga ezimpilweni zakhe zihlukile kwezakho.”

Awukho ngempela umugqa wesikhathi lapho isifiso sakho sokuqonda ukuthi ungazizwa kanjani kangcono ngemva kokuhlukana sizothela izithelo. Kungase kuthathe noma yikuphi kusukela ezinyangeni ezimbalwa kuya ezinyangeni eziyisithupha, unyaka, noma mhlawumbe nangaphezulu. Uma nje unomusa kuwe futhi unethemba ngekusasa, izinto zizoba ngcono. “Ukwelapha” ngesikhathi esibekiwe akumele kube umgomo, umgomo kufanele kube ukwenza kangcono nsuku zonke.

Ukukusiza ukuthi ululame ekuhlukaneni, u-Shazia usishiyela amathiphu ambalwa asebenzayo. “Ungalinge uphume icala, ungaziboni ukuthi awufanelwe wuthando ngenxa yokuthi ubudlelwano obubodwa abuzange buphumelele, qonda ukuthi akuwona ukuphela komhlaba futhi kufanele ugxile kuwena manje.

“Ngaphambi kokuqhubeka nokuqala a ubudlelwano obusha, yenza ukuhlola kancane bese uzibuza ukuthi ingabe ululungele lolu shintsho. Hlaziya ukuthi ukwenza ngezizathu ezifanele, noma nje ukubalekela noma yimiphi imizwa engemihle ongase uziphazamise kuyo.

Zibeke kuqala. Nakekela impilo yakho engokomzwelo, engokwenyama, nengokomoya. Zinike ukuzethemba nothando oludingayo ukuze wenze izinqumo ezingcono, futhi uzophumelela ngokushesha.

Ukuqonda ukuthi ungazizwa kanjani ungcono ngemva kokuhlukana akusho ukuthi ikhukhi elinzima ukuliqhekeza. Ngemuva kwakho konke, usuvele wazi ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze, kepha ukubulawa lapho abantu abaningi behluleka khona. Uma impilo ibuhlungu futhi izimpawu zika-ayisikhilimu esifubeni sakho zichaza impelasonto yakho, cabangela izinto okufanele uzenze ngemva kokuhlukana esikubhalele wena ngenhla.

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

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