Izigaba Eziyisi-7 Zokuhlukana Wonke Umuntu Adlula Kuzo

Uma ungibuza, ukudlula ezigabeni zokuhlukana cishe kuyinto enzima kunazo zonke ongake uzenze. Ukuthi baqale ukuhlukana noma nguwena oqalile. Ukuthi ubonile ukuthi kuza izinyanga noma ungakulindele baze bakuhlalisa phansi baqeda izinto. ULang Leav uthi, “Uma ulahlekelwa umuntu, indawo yonke ihamba naye.” Ngakho-ke okwesikhashana, kungaba nzima ukuthwebula umhlaba wakho ngaphandle kwabo kuwo. Noma ukuyeka ukuphuthelwa yilokho owawunakho noma owawunabo. 

Umphumela wokuhlukana uletha isiphithiphithi semizwa nokukhungatheka. Ngingakufakazela lokhu. Ukusebenza ngale mizwa bekuyinqubo impela kimi esikhathini esedlule, nakuba kungabukeka kuhlukile kuwo wonke umuntu. Sonke sidlula ezigabeni ezihlukene zokudedela. Kimina, isigaba esasinzima kakhulu sokuhlukana sasilindele ukuthi i-ex yami ibuye nakuba ngangazi ukuthi ngeke ibuye.

Ngakho-ke ingabe kukhona lapho inhliziyo yethu iyeka khona ukuqhekeka ibe yizicucu eziyisigidi njalo uma sicabanga ngomuntu owayeshade naye? Ukuze siqonde lokhu kulandelana kobuhlungu, sixoxe noDhriti Bhavsar , isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esineziqu ze-master kwezengqondo kanye nochwepheshe kwezeluleko. Namuhla, uchaza izigaba zokuhlukana.

Izigaba Eziyisi-7 Zokuhlukana : Kuchazwe

Ngokusho kososayensi bezinzwa , uthando lungabhekwa njengomlutha wemvelo. Yingakho ukuhlukana kungaletha ukuyeka okufana ne-cocaine. "Ubudlelwano buqala izindlela ezifanayo zomvuzo ebuchosheni bethu njengoba kwenza umlutha. Bukhipha ama-hormone afana ne-oxytocin ne-dopamine, okusenza sizizwe sijabule. Ngakho-ke, lapho ubuhlobo buphela, kuba nokuntuleka kwama-hormone enjabulo ezinzwa," kuchaza uDhriti . "Ngaphandle kwalokho, ukulahlekelwa umuntu esasijwayele ukuphendukela kuye, umuntu esasichitha isikhathi esiningi sikhuluma naye, nomuntu esasithembele kuye nakanjani kuzoba nzima futhi kube buhlungu."

Ubuhlungu bokuhlukana abubekezeleleki. Ukucindezeleka esikuzwayo ngemva kokuphela kobudlelwano kungaba yinto eqeda amandla njengosizi lokufa komuntu omthandayo. Mhlawumbe yingakho izigaba zokudlula ebuhlotsheni bothando zifana kakhulu nezigaba ezinhlanu zosizi eziqala ekwenqabeni, entukuthelweni, ekuxoxisaneni, nasekucindezelekeni kuya ekwamukeleni. Nakuba wonke umuntu ebhekana nokuhlukana ngendlela ehlukile nangejubane lakhe, lokhu kuvame ukuhilela izigaba eziyisikhombisa. Ngokusho kukaDhriti, lezi zigaba azilandeli inqubekela phambili eqondile noma noma yiluphi uhlelo oluthile, futhi kuvamile ukweqa izigaba ezithile, noma ukuya emuva naphambili. Nazi:

Ukufunda Okuhlobene : Izinto Eziyi-19 Okufanele Uzenze Nokungafanele Uzenze Ngemva Kokuhlukana

1. Ugcwele ukudideka nemibuzo

“Isikhathi esingemva nje kokuhlukana yisona okunzima ukubhekana naso,” kusho uDhriti. Kulapho okungokoqobo kungakangeni khona futhi ushintsha phakathi kwemizwa yokulahlwa, ukushaqeka, ukudideka, nokudideka. Noma, ukuhlukana necala, uma uye walahla. Akuvamile futhi ukuthi uqonde ngqo ekuphikeni noma ukungabaza ukuthi ubudlelwano abunakulungiseka ngempela. 

Ungase ulungise zonke izinto abazisho kuwe, ukuze ubheke izimpawu eziphikisana nenhloso yabo yokuhlukana. UDhriti uyanezela, “Ukuvumelana nokuphela kobudlelwano nokuphuma esigabeni sokuphika kuyisigaba esinzima kakhulu sokuhlukana kwabanye.” Njengoba ubukhulu bokulahlekelwa buqala ukuvela, imibuzo efana nalena iqala ukuvala ikhanda lakho: 

• Ingabe ukuhlukana kwakuyinto efanele? 
• Kungani ngingayibonanga iza?
• Angakwenza kanjani lokhu kimi ngemva...?
• Uma ehlele ukuhlukana, kungani e…?
• Mhlawumbe babethukuthele futhi bengaqondile ukuqeda izinto...

Lezi zizathu kanye nezindlela zihlangana nemizwa enamandla kanye nobuhlungu obubuhlungu ngokomzimba, njengokusha noma ingalo ephukile ( ucwaningo luthole ukuthi kungenzeka ngempela).

2. Kwesinye sezigaba zokubhidlika kobudlelwano, ushibilika ungene ekuhwebeni

Ugcina isiqephu sokuhlukana sidlalwa njalo ukuze uthole ukuthi ubani noma yini ebangele ukuhlukana. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, awukwazi ukuzibamba kodwa uzibuze ukuthi i-ex yakho ibambelele kanjani. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ungase ujikeleze phakathi kwezikhathi zomsebenzi onzima ukuze ugweme ukubhekana nobuhlungu nokucabanga ngokuphoqeleka ngabo.

Ngokuka-Dhriti, uma ubheka emuva ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside, abantu bavame ukungena ku-:

• Khumbula i-Euphoric: Ukukhumbula izingxenye ezinhle kuphela nokukhumbula ubuhlobo bungcono kakhulu kunalokho obuyikho. I-Reddit umsebenzisi shares, "Kunento ebizwa ngokuthi ukuzisola kwama-dumpers. Kulapho ama-dumpers abheka emuva ebuhlotsheni babo / ex ephethe izibuko ezinemibala ebomvu futhi akhohlwe zonke izinto ze-shi**y ebudlelwaneni. Ngisamthanda u-ex wami. Ngisamkhumbula kakhulu. Kodwa ngibhale phansi uhlu lwazo zonke izizathu eziholele ukuthi ngihlukane naye kwasekuqaleni, futhi noma nini lapho ngizizwa ngibuthakathaka, ngivele ngizizwe ngibuthakathaka."
• I-Ambivalence: UDhriti uchaza ukuthi kusho ukuthini, “Ukushintsha phakathi kokuhle nokubi.Lokho kusho ukuthi ngisuke ekucabangeni ukuthi ‘ngazizwa sengathi ngihlangane naloyo’ kuye ku-‘kodwa baqamba amanga futhi bangenza ngingethembe’”

Nakuba ezinye izifundo zithi ukuphazamiseka ukuze uyeke ukucabanga kakhulu ngomuntu oshadile, ezinye zithi ukucabanga nokukhuluma ngokuhlukana kungakusiza ukuthi uqhubekele phambili. Kodwa-ke, ukulandelela izinkundla zokuxhumana zomuntu oshadile noma ukuhlola kubo ngabangane ngeke kusize, kusho ucwaningo . Uma uzizwa ubambeke emicabangweni ephazamisayo, ukulandela umthetho wokungathintani nokuphendukela ohlelweni lwakho lokusekela noma ukukhuluma nochwepheshe bobudlelwano njengomeluleki onelayisensi noma uchwepheshe wezokwelapha onelayisensi kungakusiza ukuthi welapheke ekuhlukaneni okubuhlungu.

3. Uxoxisana nawe noma ne-ex yakho

Ezigabeni zokuqala zokudabuka ngenxa yobuhlobo, ukuzisola nokungabaza kungase kuvele. Umelana nokudedela owayethandana naye ezigabeni eziningi zokubhidlika kobudlelwano. U-Dhriti uthi: “Okuningi kokuthi 'kuthiwani' nokuthi 'okufanele kube khona' kuzovela njengoba uchitha isikhathi ucabanga ngalokho obekungase kuhambe ngendlela ehlukile.

Ucwaningo okukhulunywe ngalo ngenhla luthi, “Abathandi nabo baphinde babuyele endleleni abalutha izidakamizwa ababuya ngayo. Ngemva kwesikhathi eside ubudlelwano buphelile, izenzakalo, abantu, izindawo, izingoma, kanye/noma ezinye izimpawu zangaphandle ezihlobene nokushiya isithandwa sabo kungavusa izinkumbulo futhi kuqalise isifiso esisha.” Uma lokhu kwenzeka, ingabe kufanele uxhumane nowayengumlingani wakho? Nasi isizathu sokuthi kungani kungafanele, ngokusho kukaDhriti:

• Ukuxoxisana ngesinye sezigaba zokuhlukana lapho singakhumbuli ukuthi izinto zibe zimbi njengoba zazinjalo.
• Ngisho noma senza kanjalo, sizimisele ngokuzilungisa. Nokho, ezinye izinkinga zobudlelwane azikwazi ukuxazululwa
• Ukubuyela emuva kungase kuvimbele ukuphulukiswa kwakho: Ungase uchithe isikhathi nomzamo ukuze ugcine usunobuhlungu benhliziyo obuningi
• Uma uzithola usulungele ukwenza noma yini ukuze wenze okunye, khumbula ukuthi ukungazinaki abaphula isivumelwano kanye nemingcele yomuntu siqu ukuze uvuse ubuhlobo bothando kungalimaza impilo yakho yengqondo nokuzethemba.
• Ukuxoxisana kungaphinde kukwenze unamathele othandweni futhi, ucime futhi ubudlelwano, okuthi, ucwaningo kusikisela, kuzozala ukunganeliseki kuphela

Ukufunda Okuhlobene : Izinhlobo Eziyi-10 Zokuhlukana Ezibuyelana Nezikhathi Ezibekiwe

4. Ugcwele intukuthelo  

Isiphi isigaba eside kakhulu sokuhlukana uma unezinkinga zentukuthelo? Ngokwemvelo, lena. Lapho ukuzisola sekuphelile, ukubheka emuva kuqala ukufutheka. Kunzima kangakanani ukukucabanga, lesi isinyathelo sangempela esibheke ekwelapheni - Kuphela uma singaweli ezweni lonya. UDhriti uyachaza,

• “Intukuthelo iyiphuzu lokuqala lokushintsha ekwamukelweni nokuphumela kolunye uhlangothi lokuhlukana
• Kuwuphawu lokuthi uphumile ekuphikani futhi usuyavumelana nokuhlukana kancane kancane, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ufuna ukubuyela ku-ex yakho, noma uthukuthele ngokukhashelwa, ukungabi nabulungisa, noma ukuthi izinto zaphela kanjani. 
• Kulesi sigaba, ungase uzizwe uthukuthele ngenkathi ucabanga ngokuhlukana noma zonke izicasula nokukhungatheka kwangaphambi kokuhlukana.
• Le ntukuthelo ingase ingene phakathi uma ucabanga ngazo zonke izinto abazenzayo noma ongazenzanga ebudlelwaneni bakho”

Esikhundleni sokukumboza konke bese uqala ukuthandana kabusha kamuva, enye indlela enempilo yokulwa nentukuthelo yangemva kokuhlukana ukuyidlulisela kwenye indawo. “Isinyathelo sokuqala sokubhekana nanoma yimuphi umuzwa ukuqaphela injongo yawo nokuwuqonda,” kusho uDhriti. Isinyathelo esilandelayo ukuthola indlela yokuphuma, njengokuthi:

• Ukukhuluma nomuntu omethembayo, njengabangani nomndeni 
• Ukubhala ngokufutheka, kuyasiza uma uzwa ubuhlungu benhliziyo. Kodwa akusho ukuthumela umbhalo othukuthele ku-ex yakho. I-Reddit umsebenzisi uyaluleka, “Ngizokhuluma iqiniso, uma uyithumela uyoba nomzuzwana wokukhululeka, kulandele ukuzisola. Isimo esingcono kakhulu, lowo owamukelayo ngeke abe nandaba, okubi kakhulu, siyoqinisa ukukhetha kwakhe. Bhala imizwa yakho, uyiveze ephepheni, uveze kubangane. Kodwa hhayi kumuntu oyodelela amazwi akho nokubaluleka kwawo.”
• Ukuzivocavoca okuthile (Kungaba i-antidepressant esebenzayo, ngokwalokhu ibhuku)

5. Ukuginqika ngesinye sezigaba zokudedela okwedlule

Lapho intukuthelo ibhoboza, iqiniso lokulahlekelwa liqala ukucwila phakathi. Lapho ekugcineni ubhekana nembobo emise okwezimo lapho izinhlelo zakho zesikhathi esizayo zilele khona, inqubo yokuba lusizi iyaqala. Kulesi sigaba sokuhlukana, kuyinto evamile ukuzibuza ukuthi ngeke yini ube nguwe ongakaze uqede ukuhlukana. Noma ukuzizwa “sothandweni.” Njengoba usebenzela ukukhulula, ungalindela ukuzwa:  

• Ukudabuka, ukucindezeleka, ukucasuka, noma ukufuna ukuzihlukanisa 
• Ukunganaki noma ukuba ndikindiki kwemizwa njengawe uzizwe ungenalutho, azihlangani nendawo okuzungezile, futhi ulahlekelwa umuzwa wesikhathi 

Uma uphatheke kabi ngemva kokuhlukana nemicabango engemihle idla wena, ukugxila ekuzithandeni, ekuzinakekeleni, noma ezintweni ezikwenza uzizwe ungcono kungase kube usizo kakhulu. UDhriti uphakamisa:

• Ukugcina ijenali. A cwaningo ubiza lokhu njengendlela ephumelelayo yokubhekana nesimo futhi wathola ukuthi “ukubhala ngezici ezinhle zokuhlukana kungandisa imizwelo eyakhayo”
• Ukufuna imicabango noma amaphethini akuvimbela ukuthi uqhubeke (“Kuzokwenzekani uma ngingaphinde ngithole uthando?”) futhi uwafake kabusha (“Anginasiqiniseko ngekusasa futhi lokho kuyangethusa”)
• Ukufinyelela esibathandayo noma ochwepheshe bezempilo yengqondo njengodokotela wezengqondo, noma umshado onelayisensi, noma umelaphi womndeni 
• Ukudla okunempilo. Njengoba per Forbes, ukuhlaziya ukuhlola okungu-15 kuqinisekisa ukuthi “ukusetshenziswa kokudla okunempilo njengemifino nezithelo kuhlotshaniswa nezinzuzo ezingokwengqondo ezijulile ngemva kwezikhathi ezicindezelayo, njengokuhlukana.” Ukusuka kwisobho kuye kumantongomane kuye kushokoledi, lokhu ukufunda okuhle kwesayensi kokuthi kungani ukudla okuthile kukusiza ukuthi uqede ukuhlukana kahle.
• Ukupheka ukudla okulula. A 2016 cwaningo ku Ijenali ye-Positive Psychology uthi labo abahileleke emisebenzini emincane neyokudala yansuku zonke, njengokupheka nokubhaka, babheke ngabomvu usuku olulandelayo

Kukhona ithemba kwisayensi. Ucwaningo lwenziwa kubantu ababesesimeni sokuhlukana. Lapho beboniswa izithombe zowayengumlingani wabo, bonke babonise ukusebenza ezindaweni zobuchopho ezihambisana nemizwa yothando olujulile, ukunamathelana, ubuhlungu bomzimba, isifiso, umlutha, kanye nokubala izinzuzo nokulahlekelwa okuvela ebuhlotsheni. “Kodwa-ke, lapho inani lezinsuku selokhu kwaliwa likhula, kulapho umsebenzi esifundeni sobuchopho (i-ventral pallidum) ohambisana nemizwa yokunamathelana uncipha,” kutholakale.

6. Ukukhalela ubudlelwano ekugcineni kuyaphela uma usuvuma ukuthi sekuphelile

Lesi ngesinye sezigaba zokugcina zokuhlukana lapho usucabangile, walinganisa ubuhlobo benu bangaphambili, futhi wenza ukuthula ngokuthi kungani ningakaze nibuyelane. Awusaphikisani nomqondo wokubadedela noma baye phambili ngaphandle kwabo. Lokhu kungase kuzwakale njengokuzinikela noma ukwesula, lapho ekugcineni unqume ukuyeka ukuzama ukuvuselela ubudlelwano ngokumelene nazo zonke izinkinga. 

Ngakho-ke ungalindela nini ukufinyelela kulesi sigaba? “Uma usuqonde konke okwenzeke, uzobe usudlulile ekuhlukaneni futhi ngeke ube nobuhlungu obukhulu. Kunalokho, uzozizwa unokuthula okwengeziwe,” kusho uDhriti. Ucwaningo lusitshela into ebalulekile: Uma usuphinde waba nomqondo ocacile wokuthi ungubani ngaphandle kobudlelwano bakho bangaphambili, ungazibheka njengokulungele ukuqhubeka.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene : Indlela Yokunqoba Umuntu Ombona Nsuku Zonke Futhi Uthole Ukuthula

7. Ngiyabonga ngokulandelayo

Wenze izibalo ebudlelwaneni futhi walinganisa ukungapheleli. Ubhale lokho okungahlangani futhi wafunda izifundo. Ekugcineni, usufike endaweni lapho usungabona khona umuntu omusha. Ukuqala kabusha kungase kungabi ngaphandle kokungabaza kanye nemizwa exubile, njengethemba elihlanganiswe nokwesaba.   

“Abanye abantu bazizwa besaba ukuphinda umlando, abaningi bazizwa besaba. Abanye bazama ukuqhubeka nokuphila ngaphandle kokwamukela. Futhi lokhu kuholela ezinkingeni ebuhlotsheni babo obusha,” kusho uDhriti. Ngakho-ke, uma unquma ukuphinde uthandane , gxila kakhulu kuwe nakwamanje. Ungaweli ogibeni lokuqhathanisa ukuthandana noma ukubala ukuthi umuntu omusha ulingana kanjani nomlilo wangaphambili. Ngaphandle kokuthi uhlela ukuhlala unamathele esikhathini esidlule. Futhi ubani owaziyo ukuthi kuzothatha isikhathi esingakanani?

Kuthatha isikhathi esingakanani ukuphola kusukela ekuhlukaneni okubuhlungu?

UHelen Fisher uchaza ngokwesayensi encwadini ethi Ted Talk , “Uma usulahliwe, into eyodwa othanda ukuyenza ukukhohlwa ngalo muntu, bese uqhubeka nempilo yakho — Kodwa cha, umane ubathande kakhulu.” Ngakho-ke izigaba ezithile zokuhlukana zihlala isikhathi esingakanani? Futhi yisiphi isigaba eside kunazo zonke sokuhlukana? Ingabe kuyiqiniso ukuthi kuthatha ingxenye yesikhathi umazi umuntu ukuze umnqobe?

U-Dhriti uthi, “Nakuba kungase kubonakale kunzima ngemva kokunqanyulwa kobudlelwano, imizwa yokudabuka nokulahlekelwa okuzwayo igcina idlulile. Asikho isikhathi esinqunyiwe sanoma yiziphi izigaba 'zokuphela kokuhlukana'. Kuye ngemvelo yabo kanye nobudlelwano obushukumisayo, abantu bachitha isikhathi esiningi bethukuthele noma bedabukile - nakuba abanye bengase bahlukane ngokuphelele ngokomzwelo.

Ngokuthakazelisayo, ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi abantu bavame ukulinganisela ngokweqile ukuthi kuzothatha isikhathi esingakanani ukululama ngemva kokuhlukana. Encwadini ethi It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy , uGreg Behrendt uthi isikhathi esithathwayo ukuze uzizwe ungcono ngokuhlukana "sihambisana ngqo nesikhathi esithathwayo ukuze uzizwe ungcono ngawe." Asikwazanga ukuvumelana kakhulu.

Ubuhlungu bokuhlukana abubekezeleleki. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uGuy Winch sithi, “Ngokungafani neziphepho zangempela, ukudabuka kwenhliziyo akunaso iso — Akunikezi kuphumula futhi akushiyi ndawo yokukhosela. Ngakho-ke sihlala sidaluliwe, simanzi, futhi sidabukile kuze kube yilapho kudlula.” Ngakho-ke ukuqeda ukudabuka kwenhliziyo kuzodinga ukwenza okuthile. Kodwa kungenziwa.

UDhriti uyeluleka, “Ukuguqula yonke imicabango emibi ezenzakalelayo bese uyishintsha ngeziqinisekiso ezinhle kudinga umsebenzi. Futhi akunakwenzeka ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukana noma kunjalo. Uma ubhekene nobunzima, xhumana nochwepheshe ukuze ubhekane nosizi lokuhlukana.” Sithemba ukuthi uthole lesi sihloko siwusizo. Uma ufuna usizo lochwepheshe noma iseluleko, abeluleki bethu bangakujabulela ukukusiza.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

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