Ngithanda indoda ezondlayo. Kungaba izingane zakhe ezingabantu, izingane zakhe ezinoboya, izitshalo zakhe - kuningi okukhangayo ngendoda enakekela abanye. Kodwa, yehlisa ama-hormone akho agelezayo. Amadolo akho angase aphenduke ama-mush ebona insizwa ethandekayo enukubeza ingane kodwa ubuhlobo nendoda esivele inezingane ingenye indaba futhi iza nezinselele eziningi zangempela, zabantu abadala.
Ingabe ukuthandana nendoda enengane kuyakufanelekela? Ungathandana nomuntu onengane? Ingabe uthandana nendoda enezingane futhi uzizwa ushiywe ngaphandle? Uma ingqondo yakho ihlushwa yimicabango enjalo, sivumele sikusize. Siqoqe izizathu eziqinile zokungathandi indoda enengane, ezisekelwa yinkulumo yangempela evela kudokotela wezifo zengqondo uGopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), ogxile ekwelulekeni komshado nomndeni.
Izizathu eziyisi-9 zokungaqomi nendoda enengane
Okuqukethwe
Ngokusho kocwaningo lwango -2017 , imindeni engu-16.1% e-United States iholwa obaba abangabodwa. Inani alilikhulu, kodwa likhuphuke ngokushesha kusukela ngo-2007, okusho ukuthi amathuba okuhlangana nendoda enezingane manje aphezulu. Eqinisweni, ama-43% ezingane ezihlala noyise zineminyaka ephakathi kwengu-12-17 ubudala. Ngakho-ke, uma ucabanga ukuthandana nendoda enendodakazi noma indodana esencane, sithemba ukuthi lokhu kuzoveza isithombe esicacile.
Uma uzimisele ukuthi ngeke uphole nendoda enengane, siyaqiniseka ukuthi unesizathu esihle. Mhlawumbe awuzithandi izingane noma awufuni ukwabelana ngendoda yakho ngobufakazi obuphilayo bobudlelwano obudlule. Kuyenzeka futhi ukuthi uthandana nendoda enezingane futhi uzizwa ushiywe ngaphandle. Nakuba sazi ukuthi ukujola nomuntu onengane kunobuhle nobubi bakho, sihlanganise izizathu eziyisi-9 zokungaqomi nendoda enengane.
1. Izinkinga nomama ozalayo
UKaren wayesenezinyanga ezimbili ethandana noStephen lapho ehlangana nomkakhe wangaphambili uDana. UDana noStephen babenendodana, uRichard. Zisuka nje, uKaren noDana baba nezinkinga. UDana wayengafuni omunye wesifazane eduze kwendodana yakhe, futhi wayengacabangi ukuthi uKaren wayenethonya elihle kuStephen. Umoya phakathi kwalaba besifazane ababili wawubanda ngendlela emangalisayo futhi waholela ezinkingeni ezinkulu zesikhathi eside ebudlelwaneni bukaKaren noStephen.
Nokho, uma uzibuza ukuthi yini ongayilindela uma uthandana nendoda enengane, lesi yisimo esisodwa. “Lesi yinkinga ebalulekile engandisa izingxabano futhi iphazamise impilo yomndeni. Ukungakwazi ukuzwana nomfazi wangaphambili womlingani, ukungathandi noma yikuphi ukubhekisela emshadweni wangaphambilini noma ukufuna ukusula umlando womlingani nomkakhe wangaphambilini kumane nje kuyizimpawu,” kuchaza uGopa.
Ngokufanayo, umama ozala ingane angaba nezinkinga 'ngomama omusha' okhulisa ingane yakhe noma abe nokulingana okuseduze nayo. Kubalulekile, kulesi sigaba, ukuthi bobabili abesifazane baqaphele izindima abazozidlala empilweni yezingane esikhathini samanje nasesikhathini esizayo. Lokhu kusiza ukugwema isimo lapho ingane kufanele ikhethe uhlangothi, okuholela ezindabeni zokuthembana.
Ngamanye amazwi, ukuthandana nendoda enengane kanye nozakwethu wangaphambili kungase kube nzima kakhulu futhi kube nzima kunalokho kubonakala. Impilo yakho engokwengqondo nengokomzwelo ingaba sengozini njalo. Ingabe kukhona ubuhlobo ekuphileni okufanele ubeke inhlalakahle yakho engozini?
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izinto Ezingu-21 Okufanele Uzazi Lapho Uthandana Nendoda Nezingane
2. Awusoze waba yinto eza kuqala ekuphileni kwakhe
Ukuqomisana nendoda enezingane futhi uzizwa ushiywe ngaphandle ebudlelwaneni? Awu, ungamangali. Enye yezinto ezimbi kakhulu zokuthandana nendoda enengane ukuthi izingane zayo cishe zizofika kuqala njalo, zikushiye ukhala uthi, “Isoka lami libeka ingane yalo phambi kwami.” Yebo, sikuphathele izindaba ezimbi.
Kunzima ukuba yisibani emehlweni othando lwakho lapho amehlo akhe ekhanyisela izingane zakhe kuphela. Okuxakayo ukuthi, yilokhu okumenza abe ubaba omuhle, futhi kungaba yinto ekhangayo kakhulu. Kodwa ngakolunye uhlangothi, njalo lapho ingane yakhe idlala umlenze wangemuva wendlovu emdlalweni wesikole, usuku lwenu lothando luzokhanselwa.
Futhi-ke, kukhona wonke umqondo wokuthi uhlanganyela nomkakhe wangaphambili. UGopa uthi, “Ukuze umuntu abe sebudlelwaneni obunjalo kufanele avuthwe, abe nozwela futhi abe umuntu olondekile.Kuyohlale kunomlando ofanayo uma indoda inengane, ngokungafani nesehlukaniso esingenazo izingane lapho imibhangqwana ingaqhubeka futhi ikhethe ukungaxhumani nhlobo.”
Ngakho-ke, yini ongayilindela lapho uthandana nendoda enengane? UGopa ulinganisa, “Kuhluke kakhulu uma kunengane ehilelekile, njengoba kuzoba nezinsuku zokuzalwa, izenzakalo ezibalulekile, ama-PTA esikole, imicimbi njll, lapho umlingani wakho ezoxhumana nowayeshade naye njalo.Kuzodingeka uhloniphe ubuhlobo bangaphambili futhi ubanike isikhala sokuba nomzali oyedwa ngaphandle kokuzizwa enesikhwele noma engavikelekile.
"Futhi, udinga ukwamukela ukuthi kuzodingeka wabelane ngesikhala nesikhathi somlingani wakho nezingane zabo futhi ungazifaki esimweni lapho kufanele zikhethe phakathi kwakho nezingane zazo. Kwesinye isimo engisebenze kuso, indodana endala yenqaba ukuxhumana nonina wayo ozalayo ngoba yayinombono ongemuhle futhi onzima noyise wayo wesibili ngesikhathi isakhula futhi yasola unina ngokungenzi okwanele ukumvikela ekuhlukunyezweni ngumyeni wakhe ngamazwi . Lezi yizimo eziyinkimbinkimbi nezibucayi okungase kudingeke uzibhekane nazo."
3. Ukuhlukana naye kusho ukuhlukana nezingane zakhe
Ungajola nomuntu onengane? Nokho, cabangela lokhu okungenzeka ukuthi ngempela kuzwakala sengathi 'ungalokothi uphole nendoda enengane' meme ecindezelayo. Yisho ukuthi uqhubekile nokuthandana nomfana omuhle onengane, futhi ngandlela thize, wena nezingane nakha isibopho. Kodwa-ke, ubuhlobo bakho nalo mlisa baphela. Ngeke nje uhlukane naye kuphela, kuzomele unqamule bonke ubuhlobo nezingane. Ubuhlungu benhliziyo buyoba bukhulu futhi buzokushiya uqiniseka ukuthi awusoze wajola nendoda enengane.
Yilokho kanye okwenzeka ku-Elena no-Arthur. Ngesikhathi besathandana, u-Elena wasondelana nendodakazi yakhe eneminyaka engu-8 ubudala, uSarah. Kodwa lapho u-Elena no-Arthur behlukana, nguSarah owathinteka kakhulu. U-Elena wayemkhumbula noSarah, kodwa akukho okwakumelwe kwenziwe njengoba baletha umthetho wokungaxhumani ngemva kokuhlukana.
UGopa uthi, “Kwesinye isikhathi ubudlelwano bungaphumeleli, kodwa ukuhlukana kungase kungabi lula uma umuntu ethanda izingane zomlingani wakhe noma ebambe iqhaza elikhulu ekukhuleni kwazo.” Lesi simo sifana nesehlukaniso ngaphandle kokuthi umuntu engakwazi ukufinyelela izingane ngokomthetho.
“Kungase kube isimo esinzima ngezingane ukuba zibhekane naso uma zinezibopho eziqinile nomngane womzali wazo.” Noma ikuphi ukuthintana nomngane wakhe wangaphambili kanye nezingane kuyoncika endleleni isimo esisingathwa ngayo yibo bobabili abathintekayo. Ngezinye izikhathi kungase kungenzeki ukulondoloza ukuxhumana futhi lokho kungaba isimo esinzima kakhulu.”
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ingabe Kufanele Uhlale Emshadweni Ongajabuli Nezingane?
4. Awuyena nje umlingani, kodwa futhi ungaba umama ongamzali
Exoxa ngolunye udaba, uGopa uthi, “Nganginenkinga eyingqayizivele lapho umama ayekhononda ngokuthi indodana yakhe eneminyaka engu-9 ubudala ayizange ililalele isoka lakhe ahlala nalo. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, isoka lalinomuzwa wokuthi ingane yonakele futhi idinga ukuqondiswa izigwegwe. Khonamanjalo, ingane (engangicabanga ukuthi ivuthiwe ngokweminyaka yayo) yabona kulungile ukulalela umama wayo nonina wayo oyizalayo kodwa ayizange ilalele. njengokuthi "ukuthethiswa noma ukuthethiswa" ngumuntu ongamazi."
Echaza ngokuqhubekayo, uthi, “Kubalulekile lapho ujoyina imikhaya emisha ukuhlanganyela njengelungu lomkhaya elinothando futhi ungasithathi isikhundla somzali ngaso leso sikhathi. Kwadingeka ngitshele isoka ukuthi ngisho noma lalingase lingaba usingababa, lalingenakuthatha ingubo yokuba uyise wengane lize libe nesisekelo esiqinile sokuba umngane womkhaya nengane.
Ingabe ukujola nendoda enengane kuwufanele? Hhayi-ke, nguwe ozonquma lokho kodwa isimo esinjalo singavela nasebudlelwaneni bakho. Uma uzimisele ngokuba nesineke ngengane yakhe, yengeze inani futhi uyinakekele, qhubeka nobudlelwano ngazo zonke izindlela. Kodwa, uma ungakakulungeli ukuba ngumama ongamzali, ungaqomi nendoda enengane.
5. Angase angafuni izingane ezengeziwe nawe
Ngesikhathi uRachel noRiley bethandana, uRachel wayeqiniseka ukuthi ufuna abantwana. Nokho, uRiley wayesenengane evela ebudlelwaneni bangaphambilini. Wayeqiniseka ukuthi useqedile ukuba ngubaba futhi wayengenawo amandla noma isidingo sokuba nezingane ezengeziwe. Bakhuluma ngakho, kodwa cishe kwakuzophela ngokulwa noma ukungakhulumisani.
Kwakuwumhosha omkhulu ukuthi uthando lwabo lungasinda, bagcina behlukene. “Bekungelula,” kusho uRachel. “Kwakunezinsuku lapho ngangicabanga ukuthi, “Ngiyakuzonda ukuthi useyingane.” Lokho kwakungeyona impilo futhi ngangidinga ukuhamba futhi, kwakungelula ngoba lwaluluningi uthando phakathi kwethu, kodwa wayengakwazi ukunginika engangikufuna.
Yini ongayilindela lapho uthandana nendoda enengane? Nokho, lesi esinye isimo okungenzeka. Ohlwini lokuthandana nomuntu onezingane ezingochwepheshe kanye nobubi, lokhu kuza njengesici esikhulu. Unezidingo zakho, futhi ziyasebenza. Kungcono ukuba nomuntu ongakwazi ukukufeza kunokuhlala ebudlelwaneni obungajabulisi futhi ukhungatheke. Asikho isidingo sokuthandana nendoda enezingane futhi uzizwe ushiywe ngaphandle noma ushaywe indiva.
6. Impilo yakho kanye nezinjongo zakho zizohluka
Lokhu kungenye yezinkinga ezinkulu zokuthandana nendoda enezingane . Ufuna iholide langempelasonto elizenzakalelayo? Ngeke akwazi ukuhlala ngaphandle kokunakekelwa kwengane okuthembekile. Ufuna ukugubha usuku lokuzalwa ngesidlo sakusihlwa sothando? Uxolo, kodwa udinga ukuqinisekisa ukuthi ingane yakhe ithola indaba yokulala.
Ngisho nasemsebenzini, indoda enezingane ingase ikhethe umsebenzi ozomvumela ukuba abe nesikhathi esithile nezingane zakhe. Futhi uma udinga ukuthutha amadolobha ukuze uthole umsebenzi, akunakwenzeka ukuthi uzokulandela. Uzosala uzibuza ukuthi, “Ingabe ukujola nendoda enengane kuwufanele? Ngokombono wethu, kungcono ukugwema isimo esinjalo.
“Kuyasiza ukuba nombhangqwana uxoxe ngokuthi iyini imigomo yawo,” kusho uGopa, “Uma umngane womshado edinga ukuvakashelwa ngempelasonto nengane yakhe, ingabe umlingani wakhe uzozijwayeza futhi azimisele ukuhlanganyela lesi sikhathi nendawo?
Umbuzo uwukuthi, uzimisele kangakanani ukudlala i-fiddle yesibili? Buzosebenza kangakanani ubudlelwano uma izinhloso zakho nezifiso zakho ziqhelelene? Ingabe ufuna ngempela ukuthandana nendoda enezingane futhi uzizwe ushiywe ngaphandle? Ingabe bukhona ubuhlobo obufanele ukulimaza ubuwena noma ukuzethemba kwakho?
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Imigomo Yobudlelwano Nami Nomngane Wami Lapho Sifinyelela Ubudala Obungu-80
7. Awukaze ufune izingane
Manje, ungase ucabange ukuthi uma owesifazane engazifuni izingane, kungani eqala ukuthandana nendoda enezingane? Sikholelwe, kuyenzeka. Mhlawumbe indoda okukhulunywa ngayo iyikho konke owake wakufuna - ebukekayo, enakekelayo futhi efudumele. Kodwa, unezingane. Ungena kuwo ucabanga ukuthi uthando luzoshelela indlela kanti phela akuzona izingane zakho.
Ngeshwa, akusebenzi ngaleyo ndlela. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ubuhlobo bakho buyini nezingane zakhe, zizofika esithombeni futhi uzodinga ukubhekana nazo. Uma ubulokhu uqinisekile ukuthi awuzifuni izingane empilweni yakho, kuyisizathu esihle sokungathandani nendoda enezingane. Ekugcineni, uzogcina ucasukile ukuthi unezingane futhi kufanele ubhekane nazo. Akukho kulokhu okunempilo futhi okungaholela ekubeni ucabange, “Ngiyakuzonda ukuthi unengane.”
8. Kuzofanele ube umuntu omkhulu ngaso sonke isikhathi
UDarcy noJoe base bethandane izinyanga ezimbalwa. UJoe wayenendodakazi eyeve eshumini nambili, uStella, eyayingajabule kakhulu ngokuthi uyise wayejola. UStella waba luhlaza kuDarcy futhi wenza konke okusemandleni ukuze amkhumbuze ukuthi wayengenandawo emndenini wabo. Futhi, uJoe wayehlale ethatha uhlangothi lukaStella.
“Ngaso sonke isikhathi kwakudingeka ngizidele futhi ngiqonde ukuthi uStella wayesemncane futhi ekuthola kunzima ukubhekana nakho,” kukhumbula uDarcy, “akuzange kuvume ukuthi kwakungilimaza futhi kungiqeda amandla kangakanani.” Nokho, uma ucabanga ukuthandana nendoda enendodakazi (noma indodana) eyeve eshumini nambili, yazi ukuthi kuyisenzakalo esivamile ezimweni ezinjalo.
Ucwaningo olwenziwa yi-Texas Women's University lubonisa ukuthi intsha ivame ukucasuka lapho abazali beqala ukuthandana. Ikakhulukazi uma ungubudlelwane bakhe bokuqala ngemuva kwesehlukaniso noma ukulahlekelwa omunye umzali. Okwenza izinto zibe zimbi kakhulu, indoda esempilweni yakho ingase igcwale umuzwa wecala futhi inxephezele ngokweqile ngokuthatha uhlangothi lwengane yayo njalo. Uma uthandana nendoda enezingane futhi uzizwa ushiywe ngaphandle ebudlelwaneni, lokhu kungase kube isizathu esingenzeka.
Kuzodingeka uqonde futhi ube mnene futhi ube nobubele. Konke kubonakala kukuhle uze ufune ukuzikhulula futhi umemeze ngoba usunele, ube ubuso bomuntu 'ongakaze uqome indoda enengane'. “Isoka lami libeka ingane yalo phambi kwami” kungase kuzwakale njengokukhala, kodwa uma kukukhathaza kangaka, kungcono ungayingeni.
9. Naphezu kwayo yonke imizamo, awuyena 'umzali wangempela'
Senze ukugxuma okukhulu ngokutholwa kanye ne-IVF kanye ne-surrogacy, kodwa amandla ebhayoloji ayaqhubeka nokuba namandla. Kungenzeka ukuthi wenze konke okulungile, wenze yonke imizamo kanye nokuzidela. Kodwa utholani ngembuyiselo ngabo bonke lobo buhlungu nomzamo? Inkulumo ebuhlungu ethi 'awuyena umzali wangempela', ngakho-ke, awunalungelo ngezingane.
Lokhu kungase kuvele enganeni, lowo owayengumlingani wakho noma ngisho nendoda yakho uqobo. Ekugcineni, iphuzu liwukuthi, ngenxa yokuthi awuyena umama ophilayo, imizwa yakho nemibono yakho ayinalo inani elikhulu. Lokhu kuyinto ekhathazayo futhi ecasulayo ukubhekana nayo ebudlelwaneni.
Lokhu kungenye yamaqiniso anzima kakhulu okuthandana nendoda enengane kanye nomuntu owayethandana naye. Ngaphandle kokuthi uzimisele ukubhekana nalokhu izikhathi eziningi, kufanele uzibonakalise njengomlingani kanye nomzali wesibili, sincoma ukuthi ungathandi ukuthandana nendoda enezingane. Kungaba ubudlelwano obuyingozi kakhulu , futhi ubani okudinga lokho.
“Ngaluleka intokazi esondelene kakhulu nabashade nabo bobabili abazali bayo futhi ngimpampa udadewabo omncane.” Wathi bobabili omama bakhe babeyisimiso sakhe esikhulu sokumeseka. Manje, ngokwesintu, omunye angasho ukuthi uphuma emndenini ‘ophukile’ kodwa ngemva kokuhlangana nale ntokazi esencane, njengomeluleki, ngingasho ukuthi lesi ilungiselelo lomndeni eliqine kunawo wonke ake abonwa,” kusho uGopa.
Ecaphuna elinye icala, uyachaza, “Ngaphinde ngathola iklayenti lesifazane elikhulile elafika lizokwelashwa lathi indodakazi yalo yokutholwa maduze nje “yayingudeveli wangempela” futhi “yayishayela amantongomane ngamabomu.” Okushaqisayo nakakhulu ukuthi iklayenti lathi ingane yayineminyaka engu-3 kuphela ubudala. amazinga.”
Asisho ukuthi ubuhlobo nendoda enezingane abuphumeleli. Kodwa izinkinga azinakuzitshwa. Kwabesifazane ikakhulukazi, uma sivezwa njengabantu abamnene, abakhulisa ucansi, kungaba nzima ukwamukela ukuthi awufuni ukuthandana nendoda enezingane. Nakuba kukhona okuhle nokubi ebudlelwaneni obunjalo, khumbula ukuthi imizwa yakho nokungabaza kwakho kuyasebenza. Yenza okungcono kakhulu kuwe futhi ube nabantu abakukhulisayo. Ngikufisela inhlanhla!
Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
