Uchwepheshe Ubala Imiphumela eyi-9 Yokukopela Ebudlelwaneni

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Sonke sihlangabezane nemiphumela emibi yokukopela ebudlelwaneni. Akekho ongayazi imiphumela emenywa isigameko sokungathembeki. "Pho kungani umuntu ekopela phela?" - kukwenza uzibuze. Ukungajabuli nokunganeliseki ngobudlelwano yizona zinkinga ezinkulu lapha. Ngezinye izikhathi, ngisho nomuntu okhashiwe akakwazi ukulahla ngokuphelele indima yakhe endabeni. Ukungakhulumisani kahle noma ukungabi nandaba okuvela komunye uzakwethu kungaphushela omunye ekuletheni umuntu wesithathu kuzibalo.

Incazelo yokukopela ingahluka ngokumangalisayo kumbhangqwana owodwa kuya komunye. Bengilokhu ngikholelwa ukuthi ukucabanga ngomunye umuntu ongesona isithandwa sakho kuyisenzo sokungathembeki. Kodwa ngolunye usuku nje, umngane wami u-Em wathi ngomlingani wabo, "Kungani ngizofaka ikhala lami emicabangweni yakhe? Akuyona indaba yami leyo." Ngakho, yebo, wonke umqondo wokungathembeki uhamba endaweni empunga.

Kodwa into eyodwa esicacile - ukukopela akwamukelekile. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzeka ngasiphi isimo noma ngasiphi isigaba sobuhlobo, ukungathembeki kungabhidliza isisekelo sobuhlobo. Ukuze sisekele umbono wethu ngombono wochwepheshe, sibe nengxoxo nodokotela wezengqondo Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), osebenza ngokukhethekile ku-CBT, REBT, kanye nokwelulekwa kwabashadikazi. Funda kabanzi mayelana nemiphumela yokukopela ebudlelwaneni.

Ukuze uthole amanye amavidiyo angochwepheshe sicela ubhalisele Isiteshi sethu se-YouTube. Chofoza lapha.

Ingabe Ukukopela Kuyabuthinta Ubudlelwano?

Okuqukethwe

Ukuze unikeze impendulo emfushane, yebo, iyasebenza. Imiphumela emibi yokukopela ebudlelwaneni ibonakala njengokuphuka kwenhliziyo okukhulu nokubi izindaba zokuthembela. Mhlawumbe, ukushuba kobuhlungu kuncike ekutheni indaba yomlingani wakho ihambe kangakanani mayelana nalokho okubhekwa njengokukopela. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwakuyindaba yothando olungokomzwelo lapho basondelana ngokomzwelo nothile noma babelala nowayekade eshade naye - noma kunjalo, ukusabela ekukopeleni kunamandla angenakuphikwa.

UNandita Uthi, “Umthelela wokuqala nowesikhathi eside wokukopela ebuhlotsheni uhluke kakhulu komunye nomunye. Ebudlelwaneni obuzibophezele bomuntu oyedwa, ukusabela kokuqala kokukopela kuyoba ukuthi omunye umuntu azizwe elimele kakhulu. Lokhu kuzohunyushwa ngendlela yokudabuka, ukucasuka, noma intukuthelo enkulu futhi.

"Esikhathini eside, imiphumela emibi enjalo yokukopela ebuhlotsheni obuzibophezele izoholela ekuzinyezeni okukhulu nokukhathazeka. Akugcini nje ngokuthinta okwamanje, kodwa nokuziphatha ukungazethembi ngemva kokukhohliswa kuthinta nobudlelwano besikhathi esizayo. Ngenxa yokuthi baye babhekana nokukhashelwa okuyisisekelo, umuntu angakuthola kunzima ukwethemba noma yimuphi umlingani wesikhathi esizayo kalula. Bazoba nobunzima bokuthola ukuthi umlingani wabo uthembekile yini nokuthi ukubaluleka kokwethembeka kungase kulahleke ebudlelwaneni.”

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Ukholwa noma ungakholwa, ukukopela kuveza imiphumela yako emibi kumlingani onephutha futhi. Uma bekwenzeke iphutha okwesikhashana, unembeza onecala wawuyophakama. Babezoyibheka ngabomvu indlela yokuhlehlisa okwenziwayo. Ukuntula usizo kungase kubadonsele ekucindezelekeni. Uma umlingani ekhethe ukuqhubeka nezenzo zakhe ekusithekeni isikhathi eside, icala liphindeka kabili uma eqambe amanga bobabili isikhathi eside.

Ngokuvamile kwenzeka ukuthi umkhapheli uthola ukuzivikela futhi azame ukusola umlingani wakhe ngakho konke okungahambi kahle phakathi kwabo. Umdlalo wokusola wenza imiphumela yokukopela ebuhlotsheni ibe mibi. A umkhohlisi we-serial, ukungabi nandaba ngokuphelele nemiphumela ye-karmic yokukopela, ishaya indiva ithonya elibi kumlingani wabo.

Imiphumela Yokukopela Engqondweni

Uyawukhumbula lowo muzwa wenjabulo owawubonakala ugcwala umzimba wakho wonke lapho uthandana? Unama-hormone akho okubonga ngakho. Lapho umuntu eqala ukuthandana, ubuchopho bakhe bukhiqiza i-dopamine ne-oxytocin, amahomoni enjabulo. Lokhu kushintsha i-chemistry yobuchopho futhi uphakeme ngomuzwa wothando. Babeqinisile abantu, uthando luyisidakamizwa. Futhi uma lolu thando lungasekho, ingqondo iyathinteka. Nazi ezinye zezinto ubuchopho bakho obudlula kuzo:

1. Izimpawu zokuhoxiswa

Njengoba uthando luyi-cocktail yama-hormone anekhanda elinjalo, lungazizwa lulutha kakhulu. Futhi lapho unqamula ngokuzumayo ukunikezwa kwento ewumlutha, uhlangabezana nokuhoxa. Yilokho kanye okwenzeka kumuntu uma ethola ngokujola komuntu wakhe. Ukukhiqizwa kwamahomoni othando kuyayeka futhi kuba nzima kakhulu imiphumela engokwengqondo yokukopela ebudlelwaneni babo. Ngokusho kuka-a cwaningo, ubuchopho buqala ukuhoxa. Uyacasuka, ucindezeleke, ube nenkungu futhi ungase ube nemicabango yokuzibulala.

2. I-post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Abantu abaye bakhohliswa ekuboniseni izimpawu ezifana nomuntu ophethwe yi-PTSD. Amaphupho amabi aphindelelayo, imicabango ekhathazayo mayelana nomcimbi, nokukhumbula okwenzekayo ngezinye zezinkinga ezivamile umuntu abhekana nazo. Kwesinye isikhathi baphinde babe ne-hyper-reactive kunoma yikuphi usongo olucatshangelwayo. Ngokuvumelana ne ucwaningo, konke lokhu kuholela ekuphazamisekeni kokulala kanjalo nokudla okunomthelela omubi empilweni yomuntu. Ngokusobala, ukukopela kuthinta impilo yengqondo yomuntu ngezindlela eziningi.

3. Izinhliziyo ezibuhlungu zibuhlungu emzimbeni

Njengoba singathanda ukukholelwa ukuthi imiphumela yokukopela ebudlelwaneni iwukuhlukumezeka kwengqondo, kodwa akusona isithombe sonke. Kakhulu kukhona inhlupheko ebizwa isifo senhliziyo esiphukile. Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi ubuhlungu obukhulu obungokomzwelo buvame ukubonakala ngokomzimba. Florence Williams, umbhali wesayensi, encwadini yakhe entsha, Usizi Lwenhliziyo: Uhambo Lomuntu Siqu Nolwesayensi, iphenya izindlela ubuhlungu obukhulu bomzwelo obungaba nomthelela ngayo inhliziyo, ukugaya ukudla kanye namasosha omzimba, nokunye.

4. Ukukopela kubathinta ngendlela ehlukile abesilisa nabesifazane

Ngokombiko othile ucwaningo, imiphumela yengqondo yokukopela ebuhlotsheni ibe nomthelela ohlukile kwabesilisa nabesifazane. Kwabesilisa, ukukopela ngokocansi kokuthandana nozakwethu kwakuhlukumeza kakhulu, kuyilapho abesifazane bethinteka kakhulu yizindaba ezithinta imizwa. Futhi lokhu kuqinile kusukela ekuqaleni kwesikhathi. Amadoda ayasaba ukufeba, ngoba adinga ukuthi ingane ibe yinyama negazi lawo, kuyilapho abesifazane besebenza kanzima ukukhulisa izingane futhi bafuna umlingani ozinzile azokhulisa naye ingane.

Uchwepheshe Ubala Imiphumela eyi-9 Yokukopela Ebudlelwaneni

Imiphumela emibi yokukopela ishiya iminyango emithathu ivuliwe phambi kwakho. Kuphakathi kokuthi ubudlelwano buphela ngemva kwesigaba esidabukisayo sokucasuka nokucasuka, noma abalingani bahlale ndawonye nebanga elingenakugwenywa elingokomzimba, elingokomzwelo, nelingokwengqondo phakathi kwabo. Okwesithathu kuyinselele kakhulu futhi kudla isikhathi. Kudingeka umzamo omkhulu kuzo zombili izinhlangothi ukuze kudlule lesi sigameko esingesihle futhi ukwakha kabusha ubuhlobo ngemva kokukopela.

imiphumela yesikhathi eside yokukopela ebuhlotsheni — Ukwakha kabusha ubuhlobo ngemva kokungathembeki kuthatha umzamo omkhulu

Ngizwa kuthiwa izindaba zokuthembana zitholakala kuphela ebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa. Unephutha kakhulu uma ucabanga ukuthi abantu abangenalo i-monogamous ngokwezimiso zokuziphatha abazibekezeleli izinkinga zesikhathi eside zokukopela ebuhlotsheni. Wonke umbhangqwana unesethi yawo yemingcele futhi ukweqa noma iyiphi yawo kubalwa njengokukopela. Njengoba elula kanjalo!

Ungoti wethu uthi, “Ebudlelwaneni obungeyona indoda eyodwa, kusazoba nezindawo lapho umethemba khona umlingani wakho ukuthi abambe ingxenye yakhe yesivumelwano. izinhlobo ezahlukene zokukopela kungenzeka ngezindlela ezicashile - njengokuqamba amanga ngokuthi ukuphi noma ukuzama ukufihla ubudlelwano owaziyo ukuthi umlingani wakho ngeke abuvume. Ukusabela kokukopela kungaba kubi njengoba kwenzeka kumuntu oyedwa kuphela.”

Uma ubuhlobo benu budlula kunoma yisiphi isigaba sokungathembeki, ukuqonda imiphumela yokukopela ebuhlotsheni kungase kukusize ukuba ubhekane nakho ngendlela engcono.

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1. Ubuhlungu obukhulu buqeda umlingani oqhathiwe

NgoMgqibelo odlule, ngavakashela umzala wami ukuze ngimvakashele ngokuzumayo ngosuku lwakhe lokuzalwa. Kodwa amatafula aphenduka futhi mina, esikhundleni salokho, ngabanjwa ngingalindele ngimbona phakathi kwempi enkulu nomlingani wakhe. Kamuva, uNowa wangithululela isifuba. Ngalolo suku, washeshe wafika ekhaya evela ehhovisi futhi wabamba umlingani wakhe emkhohlisa endlini yabo. Nakuba ekwazile ukukhipha indoda ngaphambi kokuba ifike, isikhwama semali esasisetafuleni lekhofi sasiwubufakazi obuqinile bobuqili bakhe.

Ezikhathini ezinjengalezi, ungakwazi ngempela ukuzwa inhliziyo yakho iphuka ibe yizicucu. Kucishe kube nzima ukubamba izinyembezi ngemva kokuba othile ebone umlingani wakhe ekopela phambi kwamehlo akhe. Ungacabanga nje ukuthi kuzoba nzima kangakanani ukulungisa igebe elidaleke phakathi kwezithandani. Futhi, yiqiniso, ukusondelana ngokomzimba akusekho etafuleni isikhathi eside, eside.

2. I-trust factor iphuma ngefasitela

Akusho ukuthi umthelela wokukopela ebudlelwaneni uqeda ukholo lwakho othandweni nakumlingani wakho, noma ngabe kuyisitendi sobusuku obubodwa. Ngeke ukholwe nelilodwa igama eliphuma emlonyeni wabo, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi iyiphi incazelo abayinikezayo. Ngisho noma umlingani wakho ezisola ngezenzo zabo futhi ufuna ukulungisa, uzongabaza mayelana nokutshala isikhathi esiningi namandla kulobu budlelwano.

Ngokusho kukaNandita, "Kungaba izindaba ezithinta imizwa noma ezocansi, ngeke kube lula ukwethemba umuntu wakho ngemuva kokukopela. Kuzothatha isikhathi esiningi. Umlingani oqomile kuzomele enze umzamo omkhulu ukuze abone ukuthi umlingani wakhe uqala ukumethemba futhi. Kudingeka isineke, uthando, nokuxolelana ukuze ulahle isigameko esidlule futhi uqale kabusha."

3. Kuqubuka izingxabano ezingenakugwenywa nezingxabano ezishisayo

Ah! Lona cishe umphumela omubi kakhulu wezindaba zemizwa. Umlingani okhashiwe unomthwalo omkhulu wentukuthelo nokucasuka enhliziyweni yakhe. Ukuqhuma kuhlale kuza ngemuva kwephuzu, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenziwa ngamabomu noma cha. Ayikho enye indlela yokuthi umlingani oqole abhekane nokuklabalasa nokukhala komlingani wakhe olimele, futhi uma izinto zishintsha kabi, ukuphulwa kwempahla endlini.

Kodwa nasi isixwayiso esifanele. Ngenxa yezulu, ngicela ungasivumeli isimo sibe sesimeni sokuthi udlame lwasekhaya noma ukuhlukumeza ubudlelwane. Akukho, ngiyaphinda, akukho okuthethelela ukuhlukunyezwa, kungakhathalekile ukuthi yimuphi umlingani okhethe ukuphakamisa isandla. Uma ucabanga ukuthi awukakakulungeli ukusingatha isimo ngomqondo ohluzekile, phuma ekamelweni. Thatha ikhefu, yehlisa imizwa yakho, bese ubuya nizoba nengxoxo yabantu abadala.

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4. Umlingani oqhathiwe udlula ekungazethembini nasekuzisoleni

Umuntu oye wabhekana nemiphumela emibi yokungathembeki okuphindaphindiwe uyazi kahle ukuthi kulimaza kanjani ukuzethemba kwakhe. Ngemva kwaleyo ngxabano ebuhlungu nozakwabo, uNowa (umzala engimshilo ekuqaleni) wavele wabhoka ngolaka wathi, “Kumelwe ukuba kube nesizathu esenza akhethe lo mfana esikhundleni sami. ayimlungeli? Mhlawumbe ungcono embhedeni. Mhlawumbe uhlakaniphe kunami. Mhlawumbe bengimatasa kakhulu emsebenzini ezinyangeni ezimbalwa ezedlule. Wazizwa ethathwa kalula.”

Uyabona ukuthi umphumela wokukopela ebudlelwaneni ungena kanjani ebuchosheni bakho? Lokhu kungenzeka kunoma ubani obamba umlingani wakhe obomvu. Bangase baqaphele ngokweqile ngokubukeka kwabo nokuziphatha kwabo eduze komlingani wabo, futhi bagcine bezigxeka ngokuxosha umlingani wabo. Lapho lokhu kungazethembi kuba namandla, umuntu angase agcine esenemicabango yokuzibulala.

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5. Ukuqhathwa kuthinta ubudlelwano babo besikhathi esizayo

U-Nandita uyasikhanyisela odabeni, "Akunakuphikwa ukuthi ukukhohliswa kuthinta ubudlelwano besikhathi esizayo. Umuntu okhohlisiwe ubhekana nokuhlukumezeka okuningi ngokwengqondo futhi lokho, kuholela ezindabeni zokwethembana ngisho nakubantu bakusasa. Baqapha kakhulu, bahlole futhi bahlole kabili ukuze baqiniseke ukuthi umlingani wabo uqamba amanga noma cha. Ngezinye izikhathi, ngenxa yemiphumela yokungathembeki ephindaphindiwe, umuntu angase angafuni ukuphinda aphinde ahileleke ebuhlotsheni bomshado."

Nginesiqiniseko sokuthi abafundi bethu abaningi, abadlule obishini lokukopela, bangakusho ukuthi sizifihla egobolondweni njengesenzo sokukopela. Sifunda ukuvikela izinhliziyo zethu futhi singaphindi senze amaphutha afanayo. Imiphumela yesikhathi eside yokukopela ebudlelwaneni iholela ekukhathazekeni kokuthandana. Ukuzibeka lapho futhi, ukuhlangana nabantu abasha, ukuphupha ngekusasa nothile - konke okufike ngokuzenzakalelayo ngaphambili kubonakala kuwumsebenzi onzima manje.

6. Kungabangela 'ukuphindiselela ukukopela'

Ukuziphindiselela ukukopela - ingabe lelo gama lizwakala lingajwayelekile? Ake ngikudwebele isithombe emqondweni. UHannah wayebhekene nobuhlungu obukhulu nokukhathazeka ngemva kokuba isoka lakhe limkhohlisile nomngane wakhe omkhulu uClaire. Lokhu kuthukuthela okwakungena ngaphakathi kuye kwafuna ukumjezisa, nokumzwisa ubuhlungu ngendlela ayemzwise ubuhlungu ngayo. Yilapho kanye wacabanga ukuziphindiselela ukukopela kwangena emqondweni wakhe.

Ngokuyisisekelo kuwukukhohlisa umkhohlisi ukubanikeza ukunambitheka komuthi wabo. Uma ngikhuluma iqiniso, imiphumela emibi yokukopela njengalena ngeke yenze lutho oluhle kunoma ubani. Kuzokhulisa kuphela izinkinga, kumeme izingxabano ezengeziwe. Ngaphezu kwalokho, uhambo lwecala umuntu abhekana nalo ngemva kokukopela ukuziphindiselela alubekezeleleki.

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7. Ukukopela kuthinta nokuphila komkhaya wakho

Ukukopela kuthinta impilo yengqondo okuqinisekile, kodwa futhi kulimaza impilo yomndeni wakho. Ithi, uya esidlweni sakusihlwa somndeni ngemuva nje kokuthi isiqephu sokukopela sithinte ubudlelwano bakho. Ngokwemvelo, kuzoba nokungezwani phakathi kwakho nomlingani wakho. Nakuba sicashile, lesi simo esinzima singase sibonakale kuwo wonke umuntu.

Okubi nakakhulu, uma ukulawula intukuthelo kungeyona enye yamasudi akho aqinile, impi engathandeki ingase iqubuke phakathi nesidlo sakusihlwa. Kuzodala ibhamuza elingajwayelekile phakathi kwamalungu omndeni. Mhlawumbe, ngaphambili, umlingani onecala wayezama ngixolise ngokukopela. Ngokudabukisayo, ngemva kwalobu busuku, kuyodingeka baphile ngokubuka okuningi kokwahlulela okubabukela phansi.

8. Uzakwethu oqhathiwe angase aqhubeke elinde i-karma ukuze ibonise umdlalo wayo

Uyakholelwa kufilosofi karma? Khona-ke, nginovalo lokuthi umphumela wokukopela ebudlelwaneni obuzibophezele uzohlala isikhashana. Ngoba uzolinda futhi ubambe igqubu uze ubone umlingani wakho ehlupheka ngemiphumela ye-karmic yokukopela.

Mngane wami othandekayo, uyoke ukuthole kanjani ukuthula kwakho uma ungasiyeki isenzo somunye umuntu? Kufanele wenze ukukhetha ukweqa ukukopela futhi uqhubeke nempilo yakho. Ukuze wenze lesi sinqumo esivuthiwe, kubalulekile ukukhulula ingqondo yakho esikhathini esidlule esinobuthi. Kungani kufanele uchithe isikhathi entweni engabonakali njengemiphumela ye-karmic yokukopela? Khulula i-clap yakho uma ungakwazi ukuyilawula.

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9. Niphuma ninamandla njengezithandani

Uma inhlanhla ikuthanda futhi umkhathi ukumomotheka, ungase unqobe izinsuku eziguqubele ngemva kwakho konke. Lesi simangaliso singenzeka kuphela uma bobabili abalingani bevuma ukuthi lobu budlelwano busho okukhulu kubo kunesigaba esifushane sokukhetha okubi. Siyavuma ukuthi kuzodinga isibindi namandla ukuthethelela umlingani wakho okukopela. Kodwa ngokuzisola kwangempela nangezenzo zothando ezivela kumlingani wakho, ningakwazi ukudlula lokhu ndawonye, nibambene ngezandla.

Lapho sibuzwa ukuthi ozakwethu bangakwazi yini ukuqeda lesi siqephu sokukopela, sivumelana ngokuphelele noNandita njengoba ethi, "Kuya kubalingani njengoba ubudlelwano obubodwa buhlukile. Angikwazi ukusho ukuthi yebo noma cha, kodwa ngingasho ngokuqinisekile ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi ozakwethu baphume benamandla ngemva kwesigameko sokungathembeki. Kuya ngesiteji sobudlelwano, ukuvuthwa kophathina, nokuthi ubudlelwano babo buqinile kangakanani, kodwa uma ubuhlobo babo buqine kangakanani. nakanjani kuzothatha isikhathi eside.”

Izikhombi Ezibalulekile

Ukungathembeki kuthinta impilo yengqondo yomuntu kanye nomndeni wakhe
Ukukopela akupheleli ebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa futhi kungenzeka nasebudlelwaneni obuvulekile
Ukujola akusona isigwebo sentambo ebudlelwaneni. Ngothando nangomzamo, ungalungisa umonakalo

Ngalokho siphetha ingxoxo yethu mayelana nemiphumela yokukopela ebudlelwaneni noma ngabe kuyisitendi sobusuku obubodwa. Ngethemba ukuthi ukuqonda kwethu kuzosula ingqondo yakho enenkungu. Futhi uma kungakephuzi kakhulu, zama ukusindisa lobu budlelwano emiphumeleni engaceliwe yokungathembeki. Ayikho inkinga engaxazululeki ngokuxhumana okungaguquki, okunenjongo. Inike isivunguvungu.

Le ndatshana ibuyekezwe ngoDisemba 2022.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

1. Kungani ukukopela kuvame kangaka ebudlelwaneni?

Abantu bayakopela ebudlelwaneni ngenxa yezizathu eziningi - ukuntula uthando nothando, noma ukunganeliseki ngokocansi kokubili kwabo. Isithukuthezi sokuhlala nozakwethu ofanayo, ukwesaba ukuzibophezela, kanye nezimo ezilingayo kubangela abantu abaningi ukuba balandele indlela yokungathembeki.

2. Ingabe ukukopela kungabuqeda ubuhlobo?

Yebo, uma umlingani okhohlisiwe engakwazi ukuthola indawo enhliziyweni yakhe yokuthethelela lesi senzo esingalungile, noma umkhapheli enqaba ukuziphendulela, izinkinga zingase ziholele ekuhlukaneni okudabukisayo.

3. Ingabe umuntu angashintsha ngemva kokukopela?

Ngezinye izikhathi, ukukopela kwenzeka ngenxa yesinqumo esingalindelekile esithonywa izici zangaphandle. Lapho nje umuntu ebuyela eqinisweni lakhe, uqala ukufaka ngaphakathi amandla adonsela phansi esenzo sakhe. Cishe bazothatha zonke izinyathelo ezidingekayo ukuze balungise ubudlelwano futhi balungise izinto futhi. Nakuba, aphansi kakhulu noma cishe awekho amathuba okuguqulwa kohlamvu kwabakopela abangama-serial.

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.