7 Ngā Tohutohu a ngā Tohunga hei Āwhina i a Koe ki te Manako i te Hītori o tō Hoa

Ka tūtaki te kōtiro ki te tama. Ka tūtaki te tama ki te kōtiro. Ka aroha rāua, ā, ka tīmata te whakaipoipo, tika? He rerekē ki te whakapono rongonui, ehara te whanaungatanga i te huihuinga o te tokorua. He nui atu i tēnā. Ko te whakaipoipo i tētahi ko te whakaae ki tō rāua oranga katoa, tino tika. Me mārama koe ki tō rāua hītori, me aroha ki tō rāua wā o nāianei, me whakapono ki tō rāua heke mai. He maha ngā tāngata e raru ana ki te tuatahi. Nō reira, me pēhea te whakaae ki te hītori o tō hoa?

Ahakoa kāore he huarahi hei whakakore i te āwangawanga, te manukanuka, me te hae, he iti noa ngā tohutohu hei āwhina i a koe kia tau te rangimārie ki te tangata o tō hoa rangatira. Kei te kōrero mātou mō ēnei mea katoa me ētahi atu whakaaro mai i te tohunga hinengaro me te kaiwhakaora hinengaro a Neha Anand (MA, Counseling Psychology), te kaiwhakaū-kaiwhakahaere o Bodhitree India me te kaitohutohu matua i te Bhimrao Ambedkar University Health Centre.

He pātai māmā noa iho tēnei e whakararuraru ana i tō hinengaro, "Me pēhea taku whakamutu i te whakararuraru i ngā mahi o mua a taku hoa?" Kāore i te māmā te whakautu engari he tino āwhina tonu. Kei te kite koe, he rerekē ngā āhuatanga o tēnei raruraru - te whakawhirinaki, te tautoko, te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero, me te aroha. Me tūhuratia ēnei me te kore e whakaroa, kia ea ai tō raruraru.

Me Āwangawanga Koe mō te Hītori o Tō Hoa?

I kī mai tētahi hoa i roto i tētahi hononga whakatārewatanga , "Ki taku whakaaro kua mutu kē i tēnei wā. Ehara i te mea ko te hītori o taku hoa anake te mea e whakararuraru ana i ahau… Kāore e taea e au te whakawhirinaki ki a ia i muri i taku mōhio mō tana hoa o mua. He mea whakarihariha te mea katoa. E mōhio ana koe? Ka tino whakarihariha ahau ki te hītori o taku hoa tāne. Koinā te āhua, te kore whakapono me te whakarihariha." Ahakoa te ahua kino, ehara tēnei i te mea onge.

He maha ngā wā ka kitea ngā tautohetohe i roto i ngā whanaungatanga hou ina rongo tetahi hoa mō tana hoa o mua, ina kitea rānei tētahi āhuatanga o te tuakiri o tetahi atu kāore anō kia mōhiotia i mua. Engari he tika tēnei riri? He whai tikanga te hītori o te tangata i tēnei wā? E kī ana a Neha , "Āe, he pono. Ki te mea ko tō tātou wā kei te whakatakoto i te ara mō tō tātou heke mai, kua hanga tātou e te wā o mua hei tangata. He tino whai tikanga engari kāore e tika kia waiho hei mea kino. He maha ngā tāngata e huri ana mō te pai ake nā ngā wheako uaua nā te mea ka ako rātou i ā rātou hapa.

"Engari kei reira ētahi e mau ana i ngā kawenga kare ā-roto mai i ō rātou hītori, e awe ana i ā rātou whanonga. Kei te tangata e pā ana ki tēnei. I runga i te pānga o ō rātou hītori ki a rātou, ka taea e koe te whakatau mēnā he take hei āwangawanga." Me whakangawari ake tēnei mā te hoatu ki a koe ētahi tauira he tohu ārai.

"Kei te whakararuraru ahau i te hītori o taku hoa; he tika rānei taku āwangawanga?"

Ki te whakaatu tō hoa i ētahi tauira whanonga raruraru, he tika tāu pātai, "Me pēhea te whakaae ki ngā āhuatanga o mua o tō hoa?" Anei ngā tohu whakatūpato o te hītori o te tangata e whakahaere ana i tōna wā o nāianei. ME aro nui koe ki te oranga o mua o tō hoa mēnā:

• Whakaaturia ngā whanonga tukinoTērā pea nā te tamarikitanga kino, nā te hītori whakaipoipo pōrearea rānei i kore ai tō hoa e whakawhirinaki, e noho māia hoki. Ka hua ake tēnei i te tukino ā-waha, i te tukino tinana rānei, i ngā whanonga whakahaere, i ngā whanonga rānei te tautohetohe tonu i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ki te kore tēnei he haki whero, kāore mātou e mōhio he aha te mea
• Whakauru atu ki te mahi tinihanga, ki te whakamahi hau rāneiHe mea āwangawanga te tuku i a koe ki te tukino kare ā-roto/hinengaro i roto i te āhua o te aroha. Ko te hītori o tō hoa kei te ārahi i a rātou ki te whakahaere i a koe mā roto i ēnei momo rautaki.
• Whakakīia tō wāhiKo te piripono i roto i te whanaungatanga he tohu anō hoki kua kore e whakatauhia ngā take. Kāore e whakaaetia te takahi i tō ake wāhi whaiaro me te takahi i ngā rohe. Kāore he take ki te kī, he ngana tēnei ki te noho haumaru i roto i te whanaungatanga.
• He whakawhirinaki ki ngā kare ā-rotoKo te rapu otinga mā tētahi atu tangata he huarahi mō te aituā. Ki te whakawhirinaki tō hoa ki a koe mō te whakatutukitanga, ka pā kino te iti rawa o te urunga mai ki roto i tō whārite ki a rātou. Kāore rātou e ranea ki a rātou anō nā ō rātou hītori.

Āe, i pā mai ēnei tohu kino ki a koe? Mena āe, he maha ngā huarahi hei whakapai ake i te whanaungatanga. Ahakoa mā te rongoā hinengaro, mā te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero tuwhera rānei, ka taea te whakatika i tētahi hononga kino. Engari ki te kore tō hoa e whakaatu i ēnei āhuatanga, tera pea kei te tino pōhēhē koe. Kaua e manukanuka, e mōhio ana mātou he aha koe i paku ruarua ai mō te haumarutanga o te whanaungatanga. 

"He aha te take i tino whakararuraru ai te hītori o taku tāne i ahau?"

I tuhituhi tētahi kaipānui nō Ontario, "Kāore he he o tā mātou ake. I te tirotiro noa ahau i ētahi whakaahua tawhito, ka kitea e au tētahi whakaahua o ia me tana hoa wahine o taua wā. Mai i taua wā, kua mau katoa te mea ki roto i tōku hinengaro. Whakapono mai, ehara ahau i te tangata pēnei. He aha i mau ai tēnei mea iti ki ahau, ā, he aha te take o mua o taku tāne e tino whakararuraru ana i ahau? Kāore au i te mōhio me pēhea te whakaae ki te mua o taku hoa."

E mea ana a Neha, "He mea tino noa te kore e pai ki te hītori o tō hoa rangatira. Ko te whanaungatanga te wāhi tino piripono e tohaina ana e tātou ki tētahi. He maha ngā wheako me ngā wā e maumaharatia ana. Ā, ko te wehenga atu i tētahi tangata kāore e whakakore i tēnei haerenga. Engari kaua e titiro ki tēnei hei tūmomo mōrearea; he upoko tēnei o te oranga o tō hoa rangatira, ā, he roa ake te wā e tohaina ana e rātou ki a koe." Hmmm... he kai pai hei whakaaroaro! Ā, e kitea ana he ingoa tō tēnei āhuatanga. Te Hae Whakamuri!

Ki te mea he maha āu kōrero pēnei i te, "Ko taku hoa tāne taku tuatahi engari ehara ahau i a ia" me te, "Kei te āwangawanga ahau mō ngā mahi o mua o taku hoa wahine ahakoa e mōhio ana ahau e aroha ana ia ki ahau" me te "Kei te hae ahau ki ngā mahi o mua o taku hoa ahakoa kāore he take e āwangawanga ai ahau," me te mea noa rānei, "he aha i tino whakararuraru ai ngā whanaungatanga o mua o taku hoa tāne ki ahau?", mā te mārama ki te Retroactive Jealousy ka āwhina i a koe ki te rapu i te pūtake o ō raruraru. Ehara i te mea uaua ki te ako me pēhea te whakaae ki ngā mahi o mua o tō hoa.

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He aha te hae whakamuri?

He mea noa te hae aroha i roto i ngā whanaungatanga. E whakaatu ana ngā rangahau katoa mō te hae ka puta te hae i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ina rongo te hoa rangatira i te mataku o tētahi mataku kei roto i te whanaungatanga. Tērā pea he tūturu, he hangai rānei tēnei mataku mai i tētahi hoa whakataetae tuatoru. Hei tauira, kei te mataku a Julie i te hoa mahi ataahua o John e tino pai ana ki a ia. Mai i te wā i momona ai a Pete, kua piki haere tōna hae ki te kaiako whare takaro a tana hoa a Maya.

I kite koe he take ēnei mō ngā hoa whakataetae o nāianei, ngā tūmomo whakawehi rānei e whakaoho ana i te hae? Whakatairitea tēnā ki te take o te hae whakamuri, ina rongo te tangata i te mataku i te hiahia o tana hoa ki tētahi o mua. Whakaarohia te hae ina titiro koe ki tētahi whakaahua o mua o tō hoa me tana hoa o mua i tētahi hararei takutai moana, ā, he āhua parauri, he pakari hoki tō rāua.

E whakaatu ana ngā rangahau hae whakamuri ka puta tēnei momo hae ina "ngaro te whakaaro o te ahurei, te motuhake rānei o te whanaungatanga." Mena ka puta he kōrero mō te hītori moepuku, aroha rānei o tō hoa, ā, ka whakaaro koe he motuhake ake, he ahurei ake rānei te hītori o tō hoa i tā rāua e whakapuaki ana ki a koe, tera pea ka hae koe.

Ko te rangahau i tapaina ko te Social Media's Role in Romantic Partners' Retroactive Jealousy: Social Comparison, Uncertainty, and Information Seeking e whakaatu ana i te tūranga o te pāpāho pāpori ki te pupuri tonu i tēnei raruraru mā te pupuri i ngā kōrero o mua o te tangata kia ngāwari ai te uru atu. E tāpiri ana te rangahau, "Ko ēnei mōhiohio mō te whanaungatanga o mua o te hoa ka whakatū pea i tētahi taumata whakataurite hei aromatawai i te whanaungatanga o nāianei."

Nā tēnei whakaaroaro kua arahina tātou ki te wāhanga tino nui o te tuhinga. Ka kōrerohia e mātou ngā mea ka taea e koe te mahi ina pāngia koe e te hītori o tō hoa rangatira i roto i te whanaungatanga/te marena. Mā te mārama ki te hae whakamuri ka āwhina i a koe ki te tiro i te take me te tirohanga whānui, ā, ka taea e koe te titiro tika ki tō ake hae. Anei ngā rautaki hei ako i a koe ki te whakaae ki te hītori o tō hoa rangatira.

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Mena kua pāngia koe e ngā kare ā-roto kino pēnei i te "Nā te hītori o taku hoa tāne ahau i whakapōuri", koinei te wāhanga tika māu. He tukanga uaua te whakatau i tōna hītori whakaipoipo, engari kei konei mātou hei whakahaere i ngā mea. Kua kohikohia e mātou he rārangi o ngā rautaki e whitu hei āwhina i a koe ki te ako me pēhea te whakaae ki te hītori o tō hoa. Ka taea e koe te whakatinana i ēnei i tō ake tere me tō ake momo – kāore he otinga kotahi e pai ana mō ngā raruraru whanaungatanga katoa.

Kia maumahara ki ngā kupu a William Shakespeare i roto i tana mahi ataahua, arā, ko The Tempest – “Ko te mea kua hipa, ko te kupu whakataki”. Kua oti kē te mea e manukanuka ana koe; ko te tīmatanga tēnei ki tō mea whakamiharo inaianei. Āe, kāti rā te kōrero! Kua tae ki te wā kia tīmata koe ki te pānui i ēnei karakia e whitu, he mea homai noa mai i te atua.

1. Whakaaetia ō kare ā-roto 

"He aha te take e tino whakararuraru ai ngā whanaungatanga o mua a taku hoa tāne ki ahau?" Ehara i te mea pai te huna i ō kare ā-roto mā te kī "Kei te pai ahau" me te kī "Kāore he aha". He mea nui tēnei, ā, me whakaae koe ki tēnā. Awhitia ō kare ā-roto katoa i muri i te kōrero ki a koe anō. E kī ana a Neha, "I mua i te whakatau i te raruraru, me whakaae koe ki te raruraru kei mua i a koe. Ki te pāngia koe e te hae whakamuri, kia pono ki a koe anō me tō hoa. Mā te whakakorekore ka uaua ake te mahi."

Ā tērā wā ka puta ake te whakaaro, "He nui te whakararuraru o taku hoa rangatira ki ahau i ngā kōrero o mua," kaua e warewaretia, kaua hoki e huna. Rapua te pūtake o te raruraru, kia kitea ai te pūtake o te raruraru. Kaua e whakakorekore (kaua hoki e tukua kia whakakorekoretia e tetahi) ō āwangawanga. Koinei te huarahi tuatahi ki te whakaae ki ngā kōrero o mua o tō hoa rangatira.

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2. Kōrero pono

Ki te mea kei te āwangawanga koe mō ngā kōrero o mua a tō hoa wahine, mō ngā hoa o mua rānei a tō hoa tāne, koinei te tohutohu tino nui ka riro i a koe. E whakamārama ana a Neha, "Kāore e taea e au te whakanui i te hiranga o te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero. He mea nui kia kōrerohia te hae, te kore rānei e māia ki tō hoa. Me aro atu kōrua ki te take hei rōpū. I roto i te āhuatanga pai, me kōrero ngākau te tokorua mō ō rāua hītori whakaipoipo i mua i te urunga ki tētahi whanaungatanga. He mea nui te māramatanga mai i te tīmatanga mō te whakawhirinaki."

"Engari ki te mea kei te tūhura koe i tētahi upoko o mua o te oranga o tō hoa rangatira, kaua e mangere ki te whakapuaki. Mā te ngāwari o tō kōrero, ka māmā ake ngā mea." He maha ngā mahi whakawhitiwhiti kōrero mā ngā tāne me ngā wāhine hei āwhina i a koe me tō hoa rangatira i tēnei wā o te hiahia. Kia maumahara tonu ki te kōrero i te pono, koinei te tūāpapa o te tuakiri.

3. Me pēhea te whakaae ki ngā āhuatanga o mua o tō hoa? Rapua he āwhina ngaio

I ētahi wā, me āwhina tātou katoa. E kī ana a Neha, "Ina ka aro nui te tangata ki ngā mahi o mua a tōna hoa, ka tino kino ngā hua. Ka tīmata te whanaungatanga ki te noho paitini, ā, ka mau tonu te whanonga whakahaere. He pai ake te toro atu ki tētahi kaiwhakaora hinengaro (takitahi, takirua rānei) me te rapu āwhina. Me whai putanga koe, me whai wāhi haumaru rānei hei kōrero mō ēnei raruraru, ā, ko te whakaora hinengaro te kōwhiringa pai rawa atu māu."

Mena kei te raru koe i ngā pātai pēnei i te "he aha te nui o te whakararuraru i ahau i ngā kōrero o mua o taku tāne?" me te "he aha te kore e taea e au te hohou i te rongo ki ngā kōrero o mua o taku hoa?", he kōwhiringa whakaaro nui te kōrero ki tētahi tohunga hauora hinengaro. I Bonobology, ka tukuna e mātou he āwhina ngaio mā roto i tā mātou rōpū kaitohutohu me ngā kaiwhakaora hinengaro whai raihana. Ka taea e rātou te āwhina i a koe ki te tātari pai ake i tō āhuatanga me te tīmata i te ara ki te noho hei hoa haumaru ake.

4. Ora i tenei wa  

Ehara i te mea he whakahihiri noa iho te tikanga o tēnei. Ka pakaru ngā whanaungatanga i te nui rawa o te whakaaro nui nā te mea he koretake te manukanuka ki tētahi mea kua tupu kē. He aha e kore ai e aro ki te manaaki i ngā mea kei a koe? Ina puta mai ngā whakaaro pēnei i te "ka noho tonu taku hoa tāne ki ngā mea o mua" me te "he hae tawhito tō taku hoa", arotahi ki te koretake o te noho tonu ki ēnei mea.

Kāore e taea te whakarerekē i te huarahi o te hītori, ā, he ahua koretake te pupuri i te hītori o tētahi ki a rātou. He rau ngā wā whakaaro nui ake te whakawhiti i tēnei kaha ki te whakapai ake i te whanaungatanga. E ai ki te kaituhi rongonui a Jaclyn Johnson i roto i tana pukapuka, Don't Feel Stuck!, "E pai ana koe ki te mamae o te kaki? Kati te titiro whakamuri ki te hītori."

5. Me pēhea taku whakamutu i te whakararuraruhia e ngā mahi o mua a taku hoa? Kaua e tirotiro haere

Ātete atu ki te whakamatautauranga, kaua hoki e tuku i te reo e tono ana kia tirohia e koe te waea a tō hoa, kia pānui rānei i tā rātou rātaka. E kī ana a Neha, "He tohu whero tēnei i roto i te whanaungatanga ina tīmata koe ki te tomo ki te wāhi tūmataiti o tō hoa. Kāore e manakohia, ā, e kore koe e aro atu mēnā kei roto koe i ō rātou tūnga. Kia ara ake i te hiahia ki te takahi i tō rātou tūmataitinga." Ki te hiahia koe ki te ako me pēhea te whakaae ki te hītori o tō hoa, whakaaetia, waiho atu.

Nā te mea he rite te tirotiro i tō rātou hītori ki te heke ki te rua rāpeti. Ka ngaro noa tō mana whakahaere i a koe e ako ana i ngā taipitopito o te whanaungatanga i tohaina e rātou ki tētahi hoa o mua. He pai ake te whakaute i tō rātou wāhi me te whakawhirinaki ki a rātou. Kei roto i tēnei ko te karo i te whakarongo puku, te aroturuki pāpāho pāpori, me ngā kōrero tinihanga. Me pēhea te whakaae ki te hītori o tō hoa? Whakautehia ngā rohe.

6. Kia aroha ki te tangata

He mea whakapouri te kite i te kore aroha i roto i ngā whanaungatanga . Kaua e tukua tō aro nui ki ngā mahi o mua a tō hoa kia whakapae, kia riri rānei koe ki a rātou. Ngāna hoki kia tirohia ngā mea mai i tā rātou tirohanga. Kua roa te haerenga mai i muri i ā rātou whakatau o mua… Kei te piripono rātou ki a koe, kāore? Kia mōhio ki ngā āhuatanga i arahi pea i a rātou ki te mahi hapa, ā, tirohia tā rātou haerenga me te titiro matatau.

Nā, me pēhea te whakaae ki ngā āhuatanga o mua o tō hoa rangatira me te aroha? Ina kōrero koe mō ō āwangawanga, kia tuwhera ki tā rātou tirohanga. Whakarongo mai, kaua e tauhohe. E kī ana a Neha, "He mea nui te aroha ina rapu ana koe i ngā raruraru me tō hoa rangatira. Ā, ina raru koe i tō rātou hītori, kia mārama koe kāore pea rātou i te mōhio ki ngā hua o ā rātou whiringa. Kia atawhai ki a rātou." 

7. Hangaia tōu mana ake

I tuhituhi tētahi kaipānui nō Kansas, "He marama uaua tēnei māku... He nui te āwangawanga o taku hoa tāne mō taku hītori, ā, kei te pā kino tēnei ki tōna whakaaro ki a ia anō. Ki taku whakaaro kei te whakarite ia i a ia anō ki taku hoa o mua, ā, kāore au i te mōhio me aha ahau i ēnei rā. Kei te whawhai tonu māua, ā, kua pau katoa aku huarahi hei whakamarie i a ia. Me aha ahau mēnā ka noho tonu taku hoa tāne ki ngā hītori?"

Ka tae tātou ki te tino kaupapa nui – kia tūpato ki a koe anō. Kaua te noho mai o tō hoa o mua e whakawehi i a koe ki tēnei taumata, ā, ki te pērā, tirohia wawetia! Me hanga e koe tō mana ake, me te mōhio ki ō kaha. He tangata whakamiharo koe i roto i a koe anō, ā, kāore he mea e taea te tango atu i tēnā. 

Ko te hunga e manukanuka ana ki ngā mea pēnei i te, "Ko taku hoa tāne taku hoa tuatahi engari ehara ahau i a ia" me te "Kāore au i te mōhio he aha ahau i hae ai ki ngā mahi o mua a taku hoa tāne" me te manukanuka rānei mō ngā mahi o mua a tā rātou hoa wahine, me kōrero ki tā rātou hoa, kia kite ai kei hea rātou e whakaaro ana he hapa tō rātou whanaungatanga. He aha koe i whakaaro ai he motuhake ake te whanaungatanga o mua a tō hoa i tō rāua whanaungatanga ki a koe? Mā te aro atu ki ēnei āwangawanga ka āwhina i te whakamama i ēnei mamae o te hae.

Nā, he aha ō whakaaro mō ā mātou tohutohu me ngā tinihanga? I whakaakona koe e rātou ki te whakaae ki ngā āhuatanga o mua o tō hoa rangatira? Tena koa, whakamōhio mai ki a mātou i roto i ngā kōrero i raro nei. Ko tā mātou e tino tumanako nei ka wikitoria koe i tēnei wāhanga o tō whanaungatanga. Kia noho te harikoa me te roa o te ora hei paerewa mōu me tō hoa rangatira – haere rā, haere rā!

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12 Ngā Tohu e Pā Ana ō Hononga o Mua ki tō Hononga o Nāianei

11 Ngā Tohu kei roto koe i tētahi Hononga Kino

Ehara tō takoha i te koha aroha . Mā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe tonu mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.

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