Umqondo wobudlelwano usekelwe othandweni. Abantu balindele uthando oluyisivunguvungu, idrama, isiphetho esijabulisayo njengalawo mamuvi we-zany Hollywood rom-com. Kodwa, ubudlelwano akuvamile ukuthi bucwebezelise noma bugqoke i-haute-couture. Isisekelo sobudlelwano obuqinile sidinga umsebenzi nsuku zonke.
Cabangela isisekelo sobuhlobo obufana nobesakhiwo. Uma ungenayo enhle, noma yini oyithuthukisayo kuyo izophahlazeka. Futhi-ke, uzobekwa icala ngecala lokungathandi ngokwanele. Kuyoba khona ukuqulwa kwecala nezinyembezi. Ekugcineni, ubudlelwano buzofika egodini.
Lokho kusiletha embuzweni: Sibukeka kanjani isisekelo sobudlelwano obunempilo? Ukuze ngiphendule imibuzo ngezisekelo zobudlelwano obuyisisekelo kanye nezimpawu zokuba buthaka kwabo, ngiye ngathintana nodokotela wezengqondo Devaleena Ghosh (M.Res, Manchester University), umsunguli we-Kornash: The Lifestyle Management School, ogxile ekwelulekeni kwezithandani kanye nokwelashwa komndeni.
Yini Ehlanganisa Isisekelo Sobudlelwano
Okuqukethwe
“Uma isisekelo sobudlelwano bakho siqinile, uba nguwe, asikho isidingo sokuthi wenze okuthile, kuba nokwethembeka nokuxhumana ngaphandle kokwesaba ukwahlulelwa futhi ozakwethu bayatholana,” kusho uDevaleena.
Umbhangqwana wenza ngendlela oyifisayo izinto ezincane ebudlelwaneni lokho okuqondene nabo. Imibhangqwana eminingi ikubheka njengendlela enempilo yokwakha isisekelo sobudlelwano. Banaka imininingwane futhi bayanqoba omunye komunye.
Ngokwesibonelo, uJulia wasitshela ukuthi yena nomlingani wakhe weminyaka emithathu, u-Armie, benze izinto ezimbalwa ngokungaguquki ukuze balondoloze ubuhlobo babo buqinile. "Kusukela ekuqaleni kobudlelwano bethu, asikaze sibambe iqhaza ezimeni noma emisebenzini. Sikhetha ukuphatha ngendlela enengqondo," kusho uJulia.
"Sisusa imisebenzi yansuku zonke, njengokupheka nokuhlanza, ngaphandle kwezingxoxo eziningi," kusho u-Armie. "Futhi, awukho umuzwa wokwenzela omunye umusa. Sikwenzela sobabili. Inhloso yethu enkulu ukuthola isikhathi samahhala ekupheleni kosuku ukuze sibukele umabonakude kadoti."
Isisekelo sobuhlobo obuqinile sidinga unembeza. Kukhona ukuvuthwa ekuqondeni ukuthi izinto umuntu azenzayo ebudlelwaneni ngezokuthuthukisa isibopho sisonke hhayi ezomunye umuntu. Kodwa, abanye abantu bazitika ngokwenza izenzo ezinkulu zokukhombisa uthando lwabo. Uma lokho kungaphumeleli, kuba khona ukukhala nokulwa, ukusolana nokubelesela okulandelwa umngcwabo wothando. Ihanjelwa ukungaqiniseki kanye nemicabango yokuba wedwa. Uzobabona emngcwabeni ngoba abakhangi.
8 Izimpawu Ubudlelwano Bakho Isisekelo Bubuthaka
“Ukuntula ukwesekwa, umona, ukulawula ukuziphatha, ukucasuka, ukungathembeki, ukungahloniphi, ukunganakwa ngokomzwelo, ukuntula obala kwezezimali, kanye nomdlalo wokusola kuyizimpawu ezimbalwa ezikhomba isisekelo esibuthakathaka sobudlelwano bakho,” kusho uDevaleena.
Lezi zinkinga zizoqala ukuthumela imifantu kusisekelo sobudlelwano bakho. Imifantu izodala izikhala zokulwa. Usizi ekuxabaneni kwenu nizoluthatha nilusebenzise ekugcineni niluyise ebhawa.
Kodwa, ingabe ulwa kakhulu? Uyabuza ukuthi siyini isisekelo sothando? Uma kunjalo, khona-ke ubudlelwano bakho kungase kudingeke ukuthi ucabange kabusha. Nazi izimpawu ezimbalwa zesisekelo sobudlelwano obubuthakathaka.
1. Isidingo sokulawula sibonisa isisekelo sobudlelwano esibuthakathaka
Uma umlingani ezwa isidingo sokutshela omunye ukuthi ayeke ukwenza izinto ezithile, kukhombisa ukuthi isisekelo sobudlelwano sintekenteke kangakanani. Makube njalo ngenxa yakho. Ngoba uma uqala ukulawula, uzophula izithembiso ze indawo yomuntu siqu ebuhlotsheni kanye nenduduzo eyingxenye yesisekelo sobudlelwano bakho.
UShailene, uthisha wasesikoleni esiphakathi, kwadingeka ahlukane nobuhlobo bakhe no-Allan, uthisha we-yoga, ngenxa yesimo sakhe sokulawula. Uthi: “Ngake ngaba nentombi ngaphambi kuka-Allan. Ngingabangane nentombi yami yakudala namuhla.
Kodwa, u-Allan wayehlale efuna ukwazi ukuthi yimuphi umngane engihlangana naye. Lapho u-Shailene evuma ngokwethembeka ukuthi wayehlangana nentombi yakhe yakudala, u-Allan wayebonakala ecasukile.
“Intombi yami yakudala ike yadla nathi, ijwayelene no-Allan. Akukaze kube khona isikhathi esixakile phakathi kwami naye esabonisa ukusondelana kodwa u-Allan ubengeke ajabule,” kuchaza uShailene.
Wengeze ngokuthi u-Allan uyasolisa. Kwake kwaqubuka ingxabano lapho esola khona uShailene ngokuhlangana nomngani wakhe ngasese – okuyinto esichazamazwini sika-Allan esho ukuqala kokujola.
Izinto zaba muncu lapho u-Allan efaka uhlelo lokusebenza lwe-stalkerware ocingweni luka-Shailene ukuze alandelele imisebenzi yakhe.
E-United States, abantu abayizigidi ezingu-6-7.5 bayacatshangelwa minyaka yonke, kusho umbiko ovela kwabezindaba Isikhungo Sokuqwashisa Ngokuvimbela Ukugwedla kanye Nezinsiza. Isisulu esisodwa kwezine zokucupha sathi sacutshungulwa ngohlobo oluthile lobuchwepheshe.
Lapho uShailene ethola lokho, waya emaphoyiseni ephikisana no-Allan. Isidingo sokulawula ngeke nje sibhidlize isisekelo esiyisisekelo sobudlelwano kodwa singase siphambukele endaweni eyingozi yobugebengu.
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2. Ukuncika kakhulu kozakwethu
Uma isisekelo sobudlelwano siqinile, bobabili abalingani bangachitha isikhathi ngokuzimela futhi ndawonye. Ukuzimela kunomthelela ekwenzeni isisekelo sobudlelwano obunempilo. Nokho, uma kungenjalo, abalingani bangase bazizwe belahliwe kuyilapho benza izinto ngokwabo.
Ukuncika kungadala izinkinga ngenkathi kuthuthukiswa isisekelo sobudlelwano obuhlala isikhathi eside. Uyanamathela uma uncike kumuntu wakho nganoma yini. Ungagcina usudangele uma unquma ukulinda ukuthi bakujoyine kukho konke.
Khumbula, awuyena umlingiswa ovela kunoveli yenkathi ye-Victorian - awukwazi ukuchitha isikhathi ulinde futhi ufunela izithandwa. Ukwamukela kuyisihluthulelo sokubhekana nokuncika kakhulu. Yamukela ukuthi umlingani wakho angajabulela ubusuku ngaphandle kwakho. Ukuzijabulisa nokujabula kuyingqayizivele kubo bonke ubudlelwano - kungaba phakathi kwabangane, imindeni, kanye nozakwethu.
“Zijwayeze ukuzimela futhi wakhe isineke ku nqoba ukuncika kumlingani,” kusho u-Devaleena, enezela, “Kudingeka wazi izinkinga zakho, usebenzele ukuzethemba kwakho futhi uthuthukise amakhono akho okuxhumana nabantu.”
3. Ugcina izimfihlo
Ungabelana ngokuthile nomngane oseduze, kodwa hhayi nomlingani wakho. Uzizwa unecala ngokufihlela umlingani wakho leyo mfihlo, kodwa ungafuni ukwabelana nabanye - ingabe uyesaba ukwahlulelwa? Uma kunjalo, sinenkinga yokuxhumana esiseduze engalimaza ukuthuthukiswa kwesisekelo esihlala isikhathi eside sobudlelwano.
Kungenxa yokuthi unesithombe esithile somlingani wakho noma wesaba ukuthi bangase bangayiqondi imfihlo yakho yingakho ukhetha ukuyifihla.
ULena, umpheki wasekhaya, wayenokwesaba okufanayo. Umlingani wakhe weminyaka emihlanu, u-Hadley, ubehlulela kabi ukudla kwaseVietnam. Kodwa, u-Lena ubekade efuna ukufunda ukwenza inyama yenkomo enhle pho (uhlobo lwesitshulu) nama-prawn rolls ehlobo. Ngakho-ke, wabhalisa emakilasini e-Vietnamese cuisine kodwa wakugcina kuyimfihlo ku-Hadley.
"Ngike ngaba manqikanqika. Angikwazi ukuzama ukudla ekhaya. Ngake ngacabanga ukubhekana naye, kodwa nganquma ukukwenza ngedwa. Ngibona sengathi kukhona umthwalo kimi," kusho uLena.
Ukulahlekelwa ukukhuluma ngokungagwegwesi kuwuphawu lwesisekelo esibuthakathaka sobudlelwano. Iphinde ikhombise a ukungabi nokuxhumana. Noma uvele uhlulele isimo nomlingani wakho kabuhlungu kakhulu. Sekuyisikhathi sokugxuma futhi uveze izimfihlo zakho. Ngokuvamile, awukwazi ukulawula lokho abanye abakucabangayo ngawe.
4. Izingxabano zimbi
Kukhona ukungezwani bese kuba nezingxabano. “Umehluko uphathelene namagugu ayisisekelo, kanye nezinkolelo eziwumgogodla - akuxoxiswana ngakho,” kusho u-Devaleena, enezela, “Nakuba izingxabano zingaxazululeka.”
Kodwa, izimpikiswano ezinobuthi zobudlelwano uzothatha uhambo oluya e-regret-ville futhi ushiye ekhoneni lomonakalo ku-relationship foundation street. Izingxabano ezinobuthi zihlanganisa ukusola abazali ngokukhuliswa kwabo, ukulwa ngezinkinga ezifanayo ngokuphindaphindiwe, ukuletha abantu abasondelene nabo, futhi ngisho nokungazelelwe, ukusebenzisa imikhuba emibi yozakwethu ukuyiveza kabi.
Izingxabano zivame ukuqubuka lapho isici sokuxhumana siphuma kusisekelo sobudlelwano. Lapho umlingani enomuzwa wokuthi omunye akalaleli, baqala ukugcizelela iphuzu labo.
Umlingani, ongekho esimweni sokulalela, uzocasuka futhi uzokwenza okuthile - ngokungazi ngisho - okubonisa ukuntula isithakazelo. Isimo sengqondo sizosika inkundla futhi izingxabano zizoqala. Amaphuzu alo mdlalo azokalwa ngenani lamagqubu azokhula ekugcineni.
Ukuphikisana ngokwakhayo kuyikhono elithatha isikhathi ukuthuthuka ebudlelwaneni. Ozakwethu kumele babe kubude begagasi obufanayo. Badinga ukuxhumana, ukuxoxisana kanye nezinkulumo-mpikiswano njengoba kuyingxenye ebalulekile yokwakha isisekelo sobudlelwano. Ukuxhumana kudinga ukunethezeka, ukwethenjwa, nokuzimisela ukubheka ngale kwezingxabano.
5. Ukuntula ukusondelana
Ekuqaleni kobudlelwane, wenze uthando. Uzame embhedeni. Kwaba nokukhuhlana okunothando kwemizimba eyayivumelana yodwa. Ucansi lwaluyisibonakaliso sothando.
Nokho, le nhlansi ayihlali isikhathi eside. Kungalimaza ukusondelana ebudlelwaneni. Ngemva kweminyaka, ungase ube nabalingani - bekhathele noma bematasa ngeminye imicabango - belala befulathele omunye nomunye.
“UDkt. Dorothy Tennov, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, wenze izifundo zesikhathi eside mayelana nesenzakalo sothando. Ngemva kokutadisha inqwaba yemibhangqwana, waphetha ngokuthi isilinganiso sokuphila sokuthatheka kwezothando siyiminyaka emibili,” kusho uGary Chapman encwadini yakhe. Izilimi Ezinhlanu Zothando: Ungakuveza Kanjani Ukuzibophezela Okusuka Enhliziyweni Kumngane Wakho Womshado.
Ubuhlobo obungenabulili abuvamile ukusebenza. Ukuntuleka kokusondelana kungagqamisa ezinye izikhala esisekelweni sobudlelwano. Ozakwethu kumele bakwazi ukuphakamisa ukuthi “asenze ucansi” ngemuva kokucabanga nje. Kufanele kubonise ikhono lokucela uthando ebudlelwaneni ezimweni ezingavamile. Lokho kwenza isisekelo esiqinile sobudlelwano.
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6. Alukho ulimi lothando
Ulimi lothando lubalwa phakathi kwezinto ezincane ezichaza isisekelo sobudlelwano. Abantu abahlukene babonisa uthando ngezindlela ezahlukene. Ukuthinta ngokomzimba, amazwi okuvuma, ukuchitha isikhathi esiseqophelweni eliphezulu, izenzo zesevisi, nokupha noma ukwamukela izipho izilimi zothando ezimbalwa ezaziwayo phakathi kozakwethu.
Uma abalingani bengaluboni ulimi lothando lomunye nomunye, bangagcina sebelimaza isisekelo sobudlelwano. Ngaphezu kwalokho, uma ungenalo ulimi lothando nomlingani wakho, kusho ukuthi awusebenzanga ekwakheni isisekelo sobudlelwano benu.
Yekani ubuvila. Thola ukuthi yini ekitaza okuthandwa umlingani wakho noma umbonise ukuthi yini ekitazayo eyakho. Izilimi zothando zigcina uthando luphila. Abalingani kumele bazazi izilimi zothando ebudlelwaneni. Sonke isenzo osenzelwa ukujabulisa kufanele samukelwe ngomdlandla. Nakuba ukuzanelisa kungewona umgomo oqhubekayo, ukunikeza umlingani lokho akudingayo kanye ngesikhathi akubhekwa njengokungenampilo.
7. Abakubeke phambili
Bangamane basebenze sekwephuzile ehhovisi, balungise imibhalo engapheli, kunokubuya ekhaya ihora lebhayisikobho. Noma, bahlala benabangani abalindile ngesizathu - ubhiya, iwayini noma uhambo lokuthenga. Bazobeka phambili yonke into ngaphandle kwakho.
Uma uzakwenu esebenzisa okuningi kokuthi 'Mina' kanye 'nami' ezingxoxweni esikhundleni sokuthi 'thina' kanye 'nathi', ungase ube no-narcissist wakudala phambi kwakho. Kungenzeka ukuthi bachitha isikhathi esiyichilo phambi kwesibuko noma bazilungise ngokweqile.
Mhlawumbe kukhomba ukuthi sebeqalile ukujabulela ezinye izinto empilweni, bakuthatha kancane. Sebekhohliwe kunesisekelo esiqinile sobudlelwano sidinga ukuzidela ngokwezinga elithile.
Uma umlingani ebona ukuthi ababekwa phambili ngisho nasezingeni eliyisisekelo, kungase kuphazamise i-quotient engokomzwelo yobudlelwano. Kungadala umuzwa wokulahlwa ngaphakathi kumuntu.
Khumbula njalo, navuma nobabili ukuyekethisa nokuzivumelanisa nezimo ngenkathi wenza isisekelo sobudlelwano obuhlala isikhathi eside.
8. Imali ibalulekile
Ukuhambisana kwezimali kuyinto. Imibhangqwana kumele yazi ukuthi izoyisebenzisa kanjani imali eyitholayo. Kwenza isisekelo esidingekayo sobudlelwano obuhlala isikhathi eside.
Ekuqaleni, ozakwethu bangachitha bodwa, izipho zokugeza, futhi bahlele izinsuku ukuze bawine omunye. Kodwa ngokushesha nje lapho umbhangqwana uthola ukunethezeka, imali iphinda ibe ibhizinisi lomuntu siqu.
Ozakwethu kamuva bangase bayeke ukunikela ezindlekweni zabo bobabili noma umndeni uma behlala ndawonye noma beshadile. Izingxabano ezihlobene nemali zingena kwezinye zezidingo zethu ezijulile ezingokwengqondo nokwesaba okungagcini nje ngokuthembana, ukuphepha, ukuvikeleka, amandla, ukulawula, nokuphila.
Ngaphezu kwalokho, lapho umlingani kamuva ebuhlotsheni enqaba ukusebenzisa imali, kungase kulethe umehluko wendlela abesebenzisa ngayo ngaphambilini. Kungase kubonise isithakazelo esinciphile. Imali iyaphikisana kungalimaza isisekelo sobudlelwano. Imali etholwe abantu ababili abathandanayo ayinakubhekwa njengendlela yokusetshenziswa kwezindleko ezivamile.
Ngakho-ke, kubalulekile ukufunda ukuhlukanisa izindleko zisuka nje. Leyo mibhangqwana ehlala ndawonye kufanele ihlukanise izindleko zasekhaya. Ozakwethu abasebudlelwaneni kumele baphathe izimali zabo ngokuzimela.
Sesikushilo lokho, akuwona wonke amathemba alahlekile uma isisekelo sobudlelwano benu siba buthaka. Ungakwazi njalo ukufuna usizo lokwakha kabusha lokho okulahlekile. Ngemuva kwakho konke, awufuni ukunamathela kokuthi "siyini isisekelo sothando?" umbuzo kuze kube phakade. Kufanele ufise ukuvuselela ezothando futhi wakhe kabusha isisekelo esiqinile sobudlelwano.
Uma unomuzwa wokuthi kungenzeka weqe izinyathelo ezimbalwa zokuqinisa isisekelo sobudlelwano bakho ngaphambi kokuthatha izinto uye kwelinye izinga futhi manje isibopho sakho sincike eqhweni elincanyana, yazi ukuthi awuwedwa. Abelaphi abanelayisensi, abanokuhlangenwe nakho kuphaneli ye-Bonobology baye basiza imibhangqwana eminingi ezimeni ezifanayo. Nawe ungazuza kukho. Usizo olufanele kuphela a chofoza kude.
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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
