Ungabhekana Kanjani Nomyeni Okhohlisayo

Ukuphila enizakhele ndawonye kuyehla lapho uqaphela ukuthi umyeni wakho kungenzeka ukuthi akathembekile noma empeleni akathembekile. Umqondo wakho ungase ugubuzelwe yimibuzo eminingi mayelana nesikhathi esedlule, ikusasa, isimo sobudlelwano bakho, kanye nokungaqiniseki kwakho konke. Imibuzo engapheli ingase igcwale ingqondo yakho njengoba uzama ukuthola indlela yokubhekana nomyeni okhohlisayo. Yini ongakusho kumyeni wakho wokukopela? Ubhekana kanjani nobuhlungu bokuqhathwa? Futhi okubaluleke kakhulu, kufanele kube yini inkambo yakho yesenzo ngemuva kokungathembeki kwakhe?

Umbuzo wokuthi kufanele uvele uzibe iziphambeko zomyeni wakho uqhubeke noma uhlale nomuntu okuqhathile mhlawumbe uyena omkhulu kunayo yonke. Nakuba ukuhlukana nomngane womshado okhohlisayo kungase kube umuzwa wakho wokuqala, ukubhidliza umshado akulula ngaso sonke isikhathi. Kodwa uma ukhetha ukuhlala, ingabe kuyomane kumkhuthaze ukuba aduke nakakhulu?

Akukho ukukhetha okulungile noma okungalungile kulesi simo, futhi nakanjani, akukho ukukhetha okulula. Ngoba masibhekane nakho, ayikho incwadi yemithetho yokuthi uphathwa kanjani umyeni okhohlisayo. Kodwa yonke inkinga iza nesixazululo, futhi lena ayihlukile. Lapha sihlanganise amathiphu nemibono yokuthi yini okufanele uyenze uma uthola ukuthi umyeni wakho uyakopela. Thatha umoya ojulile, futhi ulalele lesi seluleko sokudlulela ekungathembeki nasekusingatheni isimo ngendlela ongakwazi ngayo.

Indlela Yokubhekana Nomyeni Okhohlisayo—Amathiphu angu-15

Awuwedwa—izigidi zabesifazane zibhekene nosizi lokukhashelwa nezinqumo ezinzima ezilandelayo. Ukuthola ukungathembeki komyeni wakho kungase kuzwakale sengathi umhlaba wakho ubhidlikile—kulethe ukudideka, intukuthelo, nemibuzo ebuhlungu ngekusasa lakho. Ingabe kufanele uhlale futhi uzame ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana, noma uhambe ukuze uthole ukuthula kwakho kwengqondo? Ayikho impendulo efanele, kodwa kunezinyathelo ongazithatha ukuze uzivikele, ucubungule ukukhaphela, futhi unqume ukuthi yini engcono kakhulu enhlalakahleni yakho. Nawa amathiphu angu-15 asebenzayo angakuqondisa kulolu hambo olunzima.

Izinyathelo Ezisheshayo Ngemva Kokutholwa

Ngaphambi kokuba uqale ukuthola ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nokungathembeki komyeni wakho, kufanele uthathe izinyathelo eziqinile zokuqinisekisa ukujola.

1. Hlola amaqiniso akho kabili

Ungase ube nombono wokuthi kukhona okushaya amanzi. Kungenzeka ukuthi ubuqaphela ezinye izimpawu zozakwethu okhohlisayo kodwa awunaso isiqiniseko sokuthi lokho kunjalo, empeleni, kunjalo. “Ngisola ukuthi umyeni wami uyakopela, kodwa anginabo ubufakazi” - lo mcabango ungadla wonke uma uzwa ukukhashelwa kwakhe emathanjeni akho kodwa ungenalutho oluphathekayo ongaqhubeka nalo.

Abesifazane bayizidalwa ezinengqondo. Uma ithumbu lakho likutshela ukuthi owakwakho unomunye wesifazane empilweni yakhe, kungenzeka ukuthi kuyiqiniso. Kodwa awukwazi ukubeka icala njengelibucayi njengalokhu ngokusekelwe kumzwelo wakho wemvelo wesisu kuphela. Kubalulekile ukumisa okwesikhashana futhi uqinisekise. Hlola uphinde uhlole ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi empeleni usebenzisana nomyeni ongathembekile. 

"Ngaphambi kokuthi usole umlingani ngokungethembeki, qiniseka ukuthi unobufakazi obucacile. Ukumangalela okungamanga kungalimaza ukwethembana unomphela." 

- UDkt. Shirley Glass, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kanye nomlobi we Hhayi “Abangane Kuphela”

• Ingabe kuwukubhuqa nje kobungane nokudlala ngothando okungenangozi?
• Ingabe ukhuluma nomuntu asebenza naye emsebenzini othile?
• Bunjani lobu budlelwano nomunye wesifazane? Ingabe nguye ngempela ukukopela ku-inthanethi noma empilweni yangempela?
• Ingabe ukubheka njengokukopela? Futhi wena?
• Ingabe bukhona ubufakazi obuphathekayo, njengemiyalezo, ama-imeyili, noma imininingwane yomhlangano wabo, ongayisebenzisa ukuze ubhekane naye?

Udinga ukuchaphaza ezakho futhi weqe o-T bakho ngaphambi kokuthi uqale nokucabanga ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nomkhohlisi. Thatha isinyathelo esilandelayo kuphela ngemva kokwenza ngokucophelela kwakho okufanele. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi uqinisekise isimo kusengaphambili ngoba ukumangalela okungamanga kungalimaza ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni bakho isikhathi eside.

2. Bhekana naye

Yini okufanele uyenze lapho uthola ukuthi umyeni wakho uyakopela? Adonse umoya kakhulu. Siyazi ukuthi kukwenza uhlanye kangakanani, futhi yingakho sifuna ukuthi wehlise umoya ngaphambi kokuthi usabele. Uma usuzolile (kahle, uzolile ngangokunokwenzeka), gcina izinto ezilandelayo engqondweni ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi ingxoxo iveza izimpendulo ozifunayo:

• Kwenze ngesikhathi esifanele: Thola isikhathi esifanele sokukhuluma naye, uqiniseke ukuthi azikho iziphazamiso. Ngokwesibonelo, uma unezingane, qiniseka ukuthi uzihlalele ebusuku noma ungekho ekhaya lapho ukhuluma nazo.
• Ukucaca komcabango: Udinga ukucaca engqondweni yakho ukuthi yini ozoyisho kumyeni wakho wokukopela. Lokhu kuzogcina ingxoxo ingaqhubeki ezintweni ezingadingekile
• Namathela emaqinisweni: Ungakhulumi ngezindaba ezidlule noma umangalele ngezinto ocabanga ukuthi uyazenza. Namathela emaqinisweni owaqinisekisile
• Yiba ngqo: Ungakusikiseli noma ushaye ihlathi. Mbuze nje. Ake umbuzo ummangaze ukuze athole impendulo eqotho.

Oshade naye angase akuphike ukujola lapho ebuzwa ngakho, kodwa uzokwazi ngokukhuluma kwakhe nangomzimba wakhe. 

• Phawula ukuthi uyakugwema yini ukukubheka emehlweni noma ukubheka ngqo lapho ephendula umbuzo wakho
• Naka ezinye izimpawu zokuqamba amanga, njengokufulathela, noma ukuthinta ikhala, noma ukunwaya ubuso

Njengoba usushadile naye, kungenzeka ukuthi usuvele uzibonile lezi zimpawu lapho eqamba amanga noma ezama ukufihla okuthile. Ukusebenzelana nomyeni wakho oqamba amanga ngaphandle kokuwela ogibeni lweziqinisekiso zakhe ezingamanga kuyinto ebalulekile ukuze ubhekane nodaba lokungathembeki mathupha.

3. Ungazibandakanyi izingane, zama ukungawufaki umndeni wakho

Ayikho incwadi yomthetho ecacile yokuthi ungadlula kanjani umyeni wakho ekopela kuwe. Kodwa ukuze ube nengqondo futhi uzihloniphe, kufanele uthole indlela yokusingatha isivunguvungu semizwa futhi uzigcine ugxilile. Ozokwenza ngokulandelayo ngeke kuthikameze wena kuphela, kodwa nabanye abantu empilweni yakho, kusukela ezinganeni zakho kuya emndenini osondelene, ngisho nabangane imbala.

Uma izingane zihilelekile, ukuzivikela kufanele kube yinto eza kuqala kuwe. Abanakho ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo ukuqonda ukukhaphela, futhi ukubadonsela kukho kushiya izibazi kuphela. Kangangoba ungase ufune ukuphumela obala noma ukufakazela iphuzu, bagcine bengangeni ekulweni. Kungokufanayo nokubandakanya umndeni owandisiwe. Kungase kube nomuzwa wokuthi uzothola impumuzo uma wonke umuntu azi ukuthi wenzeni, kodwa empeleni, ngokuvamile kuholela ekuhlebeni, abantu bakhetha izinhlangothi, kanye nokunye ukumosheka okwengeziwe.

Inketho engcono ukugxila ekwelapheni kwakho, isithunzi sakho, nokuthula kwengqondo. Nazi izindlela ezimbalwa zokuphatha lesi sigaba:

• Misa isikhashana ngaphambi kokuphendula: Thatha isikhathi sokuphefumula, ijenali, noma ukhulume nomngane omethembayo ngaphambi kokuthi unqume ukuthi uzophendula kanjani
• Vikela izingane zakho: Gcina izinqubo zabo zizinzile ngangokunokwenzeka futhi ugweme ukukhuluma kabi ngoyise phambi kwabo
• Gcina idrama yomndeni kude: Thulula isifuba sakho kuphela kubantu abangakweseka ngaphandle kokuligoqoza ibhodwe
• Shiya umbhalo wokuziphindiselela: Umzuzu nomzuzu owuchitha uhlela ukubuyisela emuva, kungaba ngesimo se ukuziphindiselela ukukopela, noma ukuhlaziswa esidlangalaleni, amandla ongawasebenzisa ukuze uzakhe kabusha
• Faka imali enhlalakahleni yakho: Ukwelapha, ukuvivinya umzimba, ukuthandaza, noma ukwenza nje izinto ezikulethela injabulo kungakusiza ukuba uqale ukululama

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izimpawu Eziyi-12 Ezisola Ngokukhohlisa Nokufuna Ukulungisa Izinto

4. Ungamfaki omunye wesifazane

Esinye sezeluleko ezibaluleke kakhulu zokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nomyeni okhohlisayo ukukhumbula ukuthi lokhu kuphakathi kwakho nomyeni wakho. Kungase kube yinto ekhangayo ukubhekana nomunye wesifazane bese udlulisela imizwa yakho yobuhlungu nentukuthelo kuye. Yebo, ukumbiza ngokuthi ungumbhubhisi wekhaya nokumenza azizwe kabi ngaye kungase kuzizwe kahle ngaleso sikhathi. Kodwa kuzofeza yiphi injongo? Lapho isilingo sokunikeza omunye wesifazane ingcezu engqondweni yakho sifika, khumbula:

• Ukubiza omunye wesifazane ngamagama ngeke kulungise umonakalo emshadweni wakho
• Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi umazi ngokuqondile noma cha, kungcono ukuthi ungahambi futhi ugweme ukuxabana okuqondile
• Ukumbandakanya kuphela kwenza isimo sibe nzima futhi sibe buhlungu kakhulu
• Ukungqubuzana kwakho kumyeni wakho, hhayi omunye wesifazane
• Uma umyeni wakho ekopelile izikhathi eziningi, kucace nakakhulu ukuthi indaba ilele kuye, hhayi yena
• Gcina isithunzi sakho ngokwenqaba ukusola umuntu wesithathu
• Lapho intukuthelo noma ukukhungatheka kukhula, thola izindlela ezinempilo—ukuzivocavoca, ukubhala izindaba, ukwelapha, noma indlela yokudala.

5. Hlonipha. Ngicela, akukho ukungibiza ngamagama

Uyahlonipha? Siyazi ukuthi ucabanga ukuthi siyahlanya ngisho nokusikisela ukuthi lena yindlela yokuphatha umyeni okhohlisayo. Kungabonakala njengenye yezeluleko ezingasebenzi kahle zokubhekana nabayeni abangathembekile, kodwa sethembe uma sithi kuyasebenza. Ukubiza amagama ebudlelwaneni noma ukusho izinto ezibuhlungu ukuze nje uhlazise umlingani wakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi isimo sinjani, akusizi ngalutho.

Uma uzama ukuthola indlela yokulungisa ubudlelwano ngemva kokukopela, esikhundleni sokucasuka, ukuthukana, nokuphihliza izinto phansi, sondela kulesi simo ngomqondo ovulekile. Ungacabangi ukuthi kwenzekeni futhi kanjani. Kunalokho, ngena ngomqondo ongazi ukuthi kwenzekeni ngempela, futhi unikeze umyeni wakho ithuba lokuzichaza.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ungamthethelela Kanjani Umlingani Wakho Okhohlisayo, Futhi Kufanele Uthethelele?

6. Zihlolele izifo ezithathelwana ngocansi

Uma ucabanga ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nomyeni wakho okhohlisayo, ungayinaki impilo yakho. Uma umlingani wakho eke waba nobuhlobo bobulili nomunye umuntu, kuhlale kunengozi yokudalulwa, noma ngabe uphikelela ngokuthi “uphephile.” Ukuzivikela ezifweni ezithathelwana ngocansi kubaluleke njengokuzivikela ngokomzwelo. Ngakho-ke,

• Zihlolele izifo ezithathelana ngokocansi ngokushesha
• Uma ukhetha ukuhlala, cela umyeni wakho ukuthi naye ahlolwe ngaphambi kokuqalisa kabusha ukusondelana
• Hlela ukuhlolwa kwezempilo okuvamile ukuze kugwenywe izinkinga zesikhathi eside
• Sebenzisa ukuvikela uma unquma ukusondelana futhi kuze kube yilapho imiphumela yokuhlolwa isicacile

Ukucubungula Ukukhaphela

Uma inkinga isiqediwe, shintsha ukusabela uye ekucabangeni. Ubuhlungu obungokomzwelo bokukhashelwa komlingani bungokoqobo. Ngokusho kocwaningo , phakathi kuka-30% no-60% wabalingani abakhashelwe babhekana nezimpawu ezifana ne-PTSD, okuhlanganisa ukukhathazeka, ukucindezeleka, kanye nemicabango ephazamisayo, ngemva kokuthola ukungathembeki. Futhi cishe ingxenye yabantu abathintekile ukukhashelwa babika izimpawu ze-PTSD kanye nokucindezeleka nokukhathazeka. Yingakho udinga ukusebenza ngomthelela ongokomzwelo ngokubhekana nokuzisola, ukufuna ukwesekwa, nokugxila ekwelapheni ngaphambi kokunquma ukuthi yini elandelayo.

7. Ungazibeki icala, ungazivikele

Manje, ungasilahli, asisho ukuthi unecala nganoma iyiphi indlela ngezenzo zomyeni wakho ongathembekile. Okuphambene impela, empeleni. Sikucela ukuthi ungangeni embobeni kanogwaja wecala kanye necala njengoba uzama ukuthola indlela yokusingatha umyeni okhohlisayo. Nakuba kungase kuzwakale kuphikisana, akukhona okungajwayelekile ngomngane womshado okhashiwe ukuba azizwe enecala ekukhetheni umlingani wakhe ukukopela. Nakhu ukuthi ukuzigxeka kungase kuzwakale kanjani:

• “Mhlawumbe bekuyiphutha lami.”
• "Zonke izimpawu zozakwethu abakhohlisayo bezikhona. Bekufanele ngikubone kuza."
• “Mhlawumbe angithakaseli ngokwanele.”
• “Angimuhle.”
• "Ufanelwe okungcono."
• “Ingabe kufanele ngishiye umyeni wami ngenxa yokukopela? Ngibona sengathi bekuyiphutha lami.”

Izifundo zamanje zemibhangqwana yaseMelika zibonisa ukuthi amadoda ashadile angama-20 kuya kwangama-40% azoba nobudlelwano bobulili obuhlukile phakathi nesikhathi sokuphila kwawo. Khumbula njalo ukuthi ukukopela kuyisinqumo, futhi kaningi, akunanto yakwenza nomlingani okhohlisiwe (yize umuntu okopelayo angasebenzisa amaphutha emshadweni ukuze athethelele izenzo zakhe). Ngakho-ke, zenzele umusa futhi ungazibeki icala. Akukho lutho obungakwenza ukuvimbela umyeni wakho ekukopeleni. Awuwedwa, noma kunjalo.

“Ukungathembeki kuyisinqumo ngaso sonke isikhathi, akubangelwa ukuntula umlingani oye wakhashelwa, kodwa isinqumo somlingani ongathembekile sokuphumela ngaphandle kobudlelwane.” 

- UDkt. John Gottman, umcwaningi wobudlelwane kanye nomsunguli we-Gottman Institute.

8. Makabeke izwi lakhe alalele

Uyazibuza ukuthi uphathwa kanjani umyeni okhohlisayo? Singasho ngomusa nangozwelo, ngisho nalapho inhliziyo nengqondo yakho kugcwele intukuthelo nenzondo kuye. Yebo, kungase kubonakale kungenakwenzeka ukuphatha umyeni okhohlisayo ngomusa lapho ulimele futhi uthukuthele, kodwa ukuyivala ingxoxo kungakugcina ubambekile ebuhlungwini. 

UCynthia Jared, iphini likamongameli webhange, ukhumbula ehlezi nomyeni wakhe bephuza ikhofi naphezu kwayo yonke intukuthelo eyayivutha ngaphakathi kuye. Wathi, “Ake sikhohlwe kancane ukuthi sishadile, cabanga mina njengomngane wakho omkhulu. UCynthia ukhumbula le ngxoxo yomlingo eyathatha amahora amaningi futhi yaphakamisa ukungabaza okukhulu kuye.

Wasitshela ukuthi, “Bengingazi ukuthi ngizoba nale ndoda noma cha, esikhathini esizayo, kodwa into eyodwa yayiqinisekile, ngangiqale uhambo lokuthethelela.” Ukubuza imibuzo efanele kumlingani wakho ongathembekile kuzokusiza ukuba uyiqonde, futhi uzokwazi ukubhekana kangcono.

“Sondela engxoxweni ufuna ukwazi, hhayi ukuhlasela. Yiyona ndlela kuphela ongathola ngayo iqiniso.”

- U-Esther Perel, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kanye nomlobi we Isimo Sezindaba

Nakhu ukuthi ungakwenza kanjani lokhu:

• Linda kuze kube yilapho igagasi lokuqala lentukuthelo selibolile ngaphambi kokuqala ingxoxo engathi sína
• Sondela inkulumo ngomoya ophansi. Gwema ukumemeza, ukusola, noma ukubhuqa
• Buza imibuzo evulekile njengokuthi "Yini ekuholele kulokhu?" noma “Wawufunani ngaphandle komshado?”
• Gxila ekulaleleni izimpendulo zakhe, ngisho noma kunzima ukuzizwa
• Hlukanisa ukuthi kungani ekopela kulokho akwenzile. Ukuqonda isisusa kukusiza ukuthi unqume ukuthi ukuphulukiswa kungenzeka yini

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Imibuzo Eyi-15 Okufanele Uyibuze Ukuze Uphinde Wakhe Ukwethembana Ebuhlotsheni

9. Ungaphindiseli

Ukuziphindiselela kubi, akuvuthiwe, futhi njalo ukukhetha okubi. Kubalulekile ukuthi uzikhumbuze ngokuqaphela lokhu lapho uqala ukuzwa ngokungathembeki komngane wakho womshado. Ubuhlungu nokululazeka kungase kukwenze uhlale emicabangweni efana nokuthi "ungenza kanjani umyeni wami okhohlisayo ahlupheke" noma "indlela yokulimaza umyeni wami okhohlisayo". Futhi lokho kungokwemvelo futhi kungase kuzizwe kumnandi.

Okubalulekile ukuthi uyakwenza noma cha kule micabango. Uma ngempela ufuna ukukuyeka lokhu kukhinyabezeka futhi uye phambili, ungachithi isikhathi namandla akho ngokuza nesu elihle lokuzwisa umyeni wakho ubuhlungu. Kunalokho, gxila ekutholeni izindlela zokubhekana nalesi simo esimnyama ozithola ukuso ngendlela enempilo ngangokunokwenzeka. 

Uma ungakwazi ukunqoba ubuhlungu, intukuthelo, nobuhlungu, zama ukuthatha indlela engokomoya ukuze uqonde yonke imizwa ephikisanayo nedidayo. Imisebenzi elula njengokuzindla nokuqaphela kungaba yizikhonkwane ezinhle kulezi zikhathi zokuphazamiseka kwangaphakathi. Uma usuthole ukuhlakanipha kwakho kwangaphakathi, kuzokwazi ukukuqondisa endleleni efanele.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ububi Ekwakhiweni Kabusha Kobudlelwano Ngemva Kokukhohlisa Nokuthi Ungabulawula Kanjani

10. Gxila enhlalakahleni yakho

Umngane womshado okhashiwe uhlaselwa yisiphepho semizwa ngemva kokungathembeki. Ukuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo kungokoqobo futhi kungathatha umonakalo empilweni yakho yengqondo uma kungacutshungulwanga ngendlela efanele. Yingakho kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi ungazibi ukuphulukiswa kwakho ngenkathi uzama ukuthola ukuthi ungabusindisa kanjani ubuhlobo bakho.

Udinga ukuziphatha ngomusa nangothando—uhlobo olufanayo ongalubonisa umngane wakho omkhulu esimweni esifanayo—futhi uzibeke phambili ukuze ukwazi ukuphulukisa nokukhulula ubuhlungu obukuhlupha enhliziyweni yakho. Nazi ezinye izindlela ongazijwayeza ngazo ukuzithanda nokuzinakekela njengoba ululama ekuhluphekeni kokukhashelwa ngumuntu omthandayo futhi omethembayo ngakho konke onakho:

• Ngena ekwelashweni ukuze usebenze ngokulimala nobuhlungu
• Zinike isikhathi sokwenza izinto ezikulethela injabulo - kungaba yinoma yini ukusuka ekuqwaleni izintaba kuya ekulima engadini, ukufunda, ukulalela umculo.
• Chitha isikhathi nabathandekayo bakho
• Zijwayeze ukuqaphela ukuze uphule i-loop yokucabanga ngokweqile
• Zama ukwenza ijenali ukuze wenze umqondo wemizwa yakho
• Yidla kahle futhi uzivocavoce ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi impilo yakho engokomzimba ayishayeli

11. Ukwelulekwa kuyisihluthulelo

Njengamanje, usudlule esigabeni esithi “Ngisola ukuthi umyeni wami uyakopela kodwa anginabufakazi”. Iziphambeko zakhe manje sezisobala, futhi inqwaba yemibuzo emisha mayelana nendlela yokuphatha umyeni okhohlisayo nomshado wakho kusukela lapha kuya phambili manje ikubuka ebusweni manje:

• Kufanele uhlale noma uhambe?
• Uma unquma ukuhlala, ungase ufune ukwazi: iyiphi indlela efanele yokubuyisela umkhohlisi?
• Uma ucabangela ukuphuma, umbuzo osengqondweni yakho ungase ube: indlela yokushiya umyeni okhohlisayo omthandayo?
• Futhi lapho imicabango yokukhaphela kwakhe ikudla, ungase ufune ukwazi: indlela yokuyeka ukucabanga ngokweqile ngemva kokukhohliswa?

Akulula ukuthola indlela yokubhekana nomyeni okhohlisayo, ikakhulukazi uma nifuna ukuhlala ndawonye. Lesi yisikhathi sokuzitholela wena nomshado wakho usizo. Unganqeni ukubonisana nomeluleki wabashadikazi futhi uzame ukuveza konke enikungcwatshwe ngokujulile futhi nilungise izinkinga zenu.

Ukuveza izinkinga zakho phambi komeluleki oqeqeshiwe kungakusiza ukuthi uhlole ukuthi kukhona yini okuntulekayo ebudlelwaneni bakho okungalungiswa noma ukuthi ubhekene nomuntu okhohlisayo ojwayele.

12. Thethelela ngokwemibandela yakho

"Ukuthethelela kuwukukhetha, kodwa akukwazi ukuxhamazela. Kuyinqubo eyenzeka lapho umlingani okhohlisiwe ezizwa ephephile futhi." 

- UDkt. Janis Abrahms Spring, umeluleki wobudlelwano kanye nombhali we Ngemva Kwendaba

Njengoba uqhubeka nokuhlala nomuntu okukhohlisile, umyeni wakho angase azizwe enecala futhi afune intethelelo. Zinike isikhathi. Yelulama kancane futhi uzinike isikhathi sokulungiselela intethelelo . Umlingani wakho kufanele aqonde ukuthi ngeke akwazi ukukusheshisa ukuba umthethelele futhi uqale kabusha. Lapha, kufanele ungamnaki umyeni wakho okukhohlisile futhi umazise ukuthi udinga isikhathi sokubhekana nalesi simo ngesivinini sakho.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ubani Okhohlisa Kakhulu—Abesilisa Noma Abesifazane? Lokho Okushiwo Yidatha

Izinketho Phambili

Chaza imingcele, yakha kabusha ukwethembana uma kungenzeka, noma wenze ukukhetha okunzima ukuhamba—uqinisekisa ukuthi isinqumo sakho sihambisana nempilo yakho yesikhathi eside.

13. Yeka ukuba umata emnyango

Bonisa inhlonipho, futhi uyifune njengembuyiselo. Kuzoba nzima kodwa kube usizo

Lapho uzama ukuthola indlela yokubhekana nomyeni okhohlisayo, kubalulekile ngokufanayo ukwazi ukuthi yini okungafanele ukwenze. Khuluma, bhekana naye, ungazisoli, yeka ukuba umata wasemnyango. Ufanelwe uthando, inhlonipho, nokwethembeka, hhayi ukukhohliswa. Uma ufunda ngokungathembeki komlingani wakho, qina futhi uzimelele. Ikakhulukazi uma ucabanga ukuhlala nomlingani okhohlisayo, kubalulekile ukuthi:

• Mcacisele ukuthi kumele ayeke ukukopela
• Jabulisa noma iyiphi ingxoxo mayelana ukwakha kabusha ubudlelwano bakho kuphela uma uqinisekile ukuthi ukukopela kuphelile
• Beka imingcele nomlingani wakho
• Iba nengxoxo ngokuthi yini ehlanganisa ukwephulwa kokholo, futhi wazise oshade naye ukuthi ayikho indawo yokunyakazisa kuleso sici.

Futhi, khumbula ukuthi ukulungisa ubuhlobo ngemva kokukopela nakho kuncike ekuphenduleni kwakhe esimweni. Ungathemba ukubuyisana futhi wenze umshado wakho usebenze kuphela uma ezisola ngobuqotho futhi ezimisele ukulungisa. Ngaphandle kokuba naye, ezama ukuthola ukuthi, "Indlela yokuba umyeni ongcono ngemva kokukopela?", Kukhona ithemba elincane ngomshado wakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi mangaki amathuba owanika umlingani wakho.

14. Isikhathi sezinqumo ezithile ezinzima

Uzame konke, kodwa asikho isixazululo? “Umyeni wami ukhohlisile futhi angikwazi ukukuyeka,” ungase uzithole uvuma ngasese, njengoba nje isiphetho somshado wakho silenga esilinganisweni. Mhlawumbe, awukwazi ukuyeka ukubona ngeso lengqondo embhedeni nomunye umuntu njalo lapho uthola isikhashana kuwe. Mhlawumbe wuvalo lokuthi usethandana nomunye wesifazane olukudlayo ngaphakathi.

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi siyini isizathu, wazi kangcono kunathi ukuthi ukungakwazi ukubhekana nobuhlungu bomyeni okhohlisayo kufana nokuphila nokugwazwa okungapheli, okunganqamuki. Kulesi sigaba, unezinqumo ezibalulekile okufanele uzenze.

• Uyafuna ukunikeza umshado wakho elinye ithuba?
• Uma kunjalo, ungamthethelela ngempela umlingani wakho ngokukopela?
• Ngabe ucabanga ukushiya umyeni wakho ngenxa yokukopela?

Isinqumo sokugcina sikuwe, kunjalo. Kodwa iseluleko sethu sendlela yokubhekana nomkhohlisi kungaba ukwenza leso sinqumo ngokushesha kunokuba kamuva. Uma usuthole ithuba lokumunca nokucubungula ukushaqeka nobuhlungu bokuqala, zihlole bese unquma ukuthi yini ofuna ukuyenza ngokulandelayo. Ungalokhu udonsa ubudlelwano uma inhliziyo yakho ingekho kukho. Akukho okuhle okwake kwaphuma ekubhaxabuleni ihhashi elifile.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene : Amaqiniso Engqondo angu-17 Ngokukhohlisa - Ukuqeda Izinganekwane

15. Ukuqhubekela phambili

Uma usunqumile ukuthi ufuna ukuphendula kanjani ekungathembeki komyeni wakho, isinyathelo esilandelayo wukunquma ukuthi iyiphi indlela ehambisana nempilo yakho. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukhetha ukwakha kabusha ubuhlobo noma uhamba, ukucaca nokuzilungiselela kubalulekile. Nazi izinyathelo okudingeka uzithathe, kuye ngesinqumo sakho:

Bekani imingcele futhi nisebenzele ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana uma ninquma ukuhlala ndawonye

Ukubuyisana kuyenzeka, kodwa kudinga ukuthi bobabili abalingani bazinikele ekushintsheni. Ukuze wakhe kabusha ukwethembana, udinga ukuzibophezela ekubekeni imingcele futhi ubeke kuqala izinto ezingafihli lutho. Nansi indlela:

• Indaba kufanele iphele: Iphikelela ekuvaleni ngokugcwele nomunye umuntu
• Thola ukwelulekwa kwabashadile: Umuntu wesithathu ongathathi hlangothi angasiza ekwakheni kabusha ukuxhumana futhi abhekane nezimbangela
• Dala uhlelo lokubonisa ngale: Vumelana ngokuxhumana okuvulekile, amakhalenda okwabelwana ngawo uma kudingeka, noma ukungena njalo
• Chaza imingcele ecacile: Nquma ndawonye ukuthi yikuphi ukuziphatha okubalwa njengokukhaphela—izindaba ezithinta imizwelo, ukuthumela imiyalezo eyimfihlo, ukufihla izimali, futhi nilwele ukukuqeda.
• Bheka umzamo ongashintshi: Ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana kuthatha izinyanga noma iminyaka, ngakho bheka ukuziphendulela okuzinzile, kwangempela

Zivikele ngokomthetho nangokwezimali uma unquma ukuqhubeka

"Ezimeni zokungathembeki, ukuvikela amalungelo akho ezezimali kanye nezomthetho kuwukuzinakekela. Kukuvumela ukuthi wenze izinqumo endaweni yamandla, hhayi ukwesaba." 

- USusan Pease Gadoua, umelaphi onelayisensi kanye nombhali ohlanganyela naye Okusha Engikwenzayo.

Uma ukwehlukana noma isehlukaniso kuyisinqumo esinempilo, kubalulekile ukuvikela amalungelo akho futhi uhlele ukuzinza. Ngenxa yalokho, udinga, 

• Xhumana nommeli womndeni: Qonda amalungelo akho angokomthetho mayelana nempahla, ukugcinwa, kanye nesondlo
• Buyekeza futhi uhlukanise ezezimali: Vala amakhadi esikweletu ahlangene, misa i-akhawunti yakho yasebhange, futhi ubhale ngempahla ehlanganyelwe
• Buyekeza amadokhumenti abalulekile: Izincwadi zefa, abahlomuli bomshwalense, amatayitela ezakhiwo, noma abathintwayo abaphuthumayo
• Qoqa ubufakazi bokungathembeki: Kwezinye izindawo, lokhu kungaba nomthelela ekukhokheleni noma ekugcinweni
• Yakha isistimu yosekelo: Bandakanya abangani abathenjwayo noma umndeni ukuze uthole ukwesekwa ngokomzwelo nokokusebenza ngesikhathi soshintsho
• Beka kuqala ukuzimela kwakho: Hlela indawo yokuhlala, imali engenayo, kanye nokuvikeleka komuntu siqu ukuze uqhubekele phambili usuka endaweni yamandla

Okufanele Ukwenze Nokungamelwe Ukwenze Uma Usebenzelana Nomyeni Okhohlisayo

Yenza	Ungenzi
Qinisekisa amaqiniso ngaphambi kokubeka icala.	Bhekana naye ngaphandle kobufakazi noma ngolaka.
Khuluma ngomoya ophansi futhi ngokuqondile lapho nikhuluma ngendaba.	Bandakanya izingane noma umndeni owandisiwe kungxabano.
Funa ukwelulekwa noma ukwelashwa ukuze uthole ukwesekwa.	Ziphindiselele noma umehlise isithunzi esidlangalaleni.
Beka kuqala impilo yakho—hlolelwa izifo ezithathelwana ngocansi futhi unakekele inhlalakahle yakho engokwengqondo.	Unganaki izidingo zakho ube ugxile kuye kuphela.
Misa imingcele ecacile futhi unqume ukuthi ikuphi ukuziphatha okungaxoxiswana ngakho.	Hlala uthule noma "uyishanele ngaphansi kwengubo."
Yenza izinqumo ezinolwazi mayelana nokuhlala noma ukuhamba ngokusekelwe enhlalakahleni yakho yesikhathi eside.	Zisole ngesinqumo sakhe sokukopela.
Zivikele ngokomthetho nangokwezimali uma ukwehlukana kuphezu kwetafula.	Shiya izindaba zomthetho nezezimali zingakaxazululwa.

Indlela Yokwenza Umyeni Wokukopela Ahlupheke: Izindlela Eziyisi-7

Uma wenze konke ongakwenza ukuze ubhekane nobuhlungu obungaphenduki ngemva kokukhashelwa, futhi uma uqaphela ukuthi umyeni wakho akenzi konke okusemandleni akhe ukulungisa umonakalo nokuvuselela ubuhlobo, ungase uzithole uzibuza ukuthi ungayenza kanjani indoda ekhohlisayo ihlupheke. Lo mcabango uvame ukuvela ekubuyeleni kumyeni wakho ngenxa yobuhlungu akuzwise bona kanye nesifiso sokuthola ukulawula ngendlela ethile noma ngesimo esithile. Nokho, ukuze umenze azizwe ngempela isisindo sezenzo zakhe, awudingi ukugoba ukuze uziphindiselele. Kwesinye isikhathi, umnyakazo onamandla, ocashile ushaya ujule kunanoma yikuphi ukushaya esihlakaleni. Nazi izindlela eziyisikhombisa ongase uzicabangele.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ingabe Kufanele Ngimxolele Umyeni Wami Ngokukhohlisa?

1. Buyisa ukuthula kwakho futhi ukhanye ekukhanyeni kwakho

Ubuhlungu obukhulu kakhulu obuzwiwa umkhohlisi ukubuka umuntu amzwisa ubuhlungu esukuma enamandla futhi ezimele. UDkt. Anita Sethi, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esiseNew York, uyachaza, “Ngemva kokungathembeki, isigijimi esinamandla kakhulu siwushintsho lomuntu siqu. 

Lokhu kusho ukungena ujule kuzintshisekelo zakho, izinkanuko, nempilo enhle. Mhlawumbe ubhalisa emakilasini owawavalile eminyakeni edlule, uzibophezele ezinhlelweni zokuhamba osekudlule isikhathi eside, noma uhlakulela ubungane obukusekela. Lokhu kukhula kuyisigcobo esiphilisayo kuwe, kodwa kuphinda kabili njengesibuko esibonisa lokho akulahlile. Lapho ugcwala uhleko, ukuzethemba, nenjongo entsha kungazelelwe, yilapho umunyu wangempela wokuzisola ushaya umyeni wakho odukayo. 

2. Beka imingcele eqinile futhi ugcizelele imiphumela

Udinga ukukwenza kucace ngokusobala ukuthi imingcele yakho ikuphi futhi ubambelele ngokuqinile. Umelaphi uDkt. Raj Gupta uyagcizelela, "Uma imingcele ingacacile, ayisho lutho. Imiphumela ebonakalayo yenza umyeni wakho aqonde ngokucacile ukuthi ukwethenjwa kwakhe okumkhaphelayo kubiza yena. Kumayelana nokulawula. Ukulawula kwakho lokho okwamukelekayo nokungamukelekile." Leyo miphumela ingasho ukuthi, 

• Egcizelela ukuthi ahambele ukwelulekwa
• Ikhawulela ukufinyelela ezimpahleni ezabiwe
• Ukungagcini ukusondelana ngokomzimba kuze kube yilapho efakazela ukuzibophezela ekushintsheni 

Ukungaguquguquki lapha kuyisihluthulelo ngoba ukuntengantenga kubonisa ubuthakathaka. Ukucaca kwemingcele yobudlelwano kuguqula inkululeko yakhe ibe ukuziphendulela. Akumnandi ngaye ukuvinjelwa nokugcinwa eboshwe isikhashana, kodwa lokho kungakhululeki yilapho ukufunda kuqala khona.

3. Khuluma iqiniso lakho, kodwa ungadonselwa emdlalweni

Kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukusho konke okubuhlungu, kodwa ukulahla bonke ubuhlungu bakho kuye kuvame ukumbuyisela emuva. Isazi sezokuxhumana uValerie Brooks seluleka, “Khuluma ngokuthula nangokwethembeka ngendlela izenzo zakhe ezikuthinte ngayo, kodwa gwema ukusola okungapheli . Uma udonswa yidrama, ulahlekelwa amandla futhi wandise ukuhlupheka kwakho.” Esikhundleni sokumemeza noma ukumhambisa ngohlu lokuhlola izinhlupho, khetha isikhathi sokuveza imizwa yakho ngokucacile bese uthatha isikhala sokuzivikela emanxebeni angokomzwelo aphindaphindwayo.

Ku-Reddit, umsebenzisi wabelane, "Ngake ngabhekana nomyeni wami, ngethula ngomoya ophansi indlela ukukopela kwakhe okwaqeda ngayo ukwethemba kwami. Ngayeka ngemva kwalokho. Ngokumangalisayo, ukuthula kwakhe ekuphenduleni kwakungehli kahle kakhulu kunanoma iyiphi ingxabano. Kwamenza wabona amandla adonsela phansi ngaphandle kwami ​​​​ukuphindaphinda."

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4. Gcina abangani bakho nomndeni wakho beseduze, kodwa hhayi eduze kakhulu

Ukuphendukela kubangani nomndeni ukuze uthole induduzo kubalulekile, kodwa gwema ukuguqula ubuhlungu bakho bube impi yomphakathi. Umeluleki ngezobudlelwano u-Jasmine Burnett uyaxwayisa, “Ukululaza umyeni wakho phambi kwabathandekayo noma ukwabelana ngokweqile kungaba nemiphumela emibi kakhulu. Kunalokho, funa ukusekelwa ezingxoxweni eziyimfihlo lapho ungaphumela khona futhi wenze amasu ngaphandle kwengozi yokwanda kwezingxabano.

Abathandekayo bakho baba umgogodla wakho kuyilapho ugcina isithunzi sakho. Ufuna ukuqinisa umbuthano wakho ongaphakathi ukuze usekele ukuphulukiswa kwakho, hhayi ukushayela ama-wedge amaningi phakathi kwabantu. Thembela kulezi zibopho ukuthi zizokugcwalisa, hhayi ukuthi zisebenze njengezikhali.

5. Ungabikezeli, kodwa uhlale ugxilile

Ukungathembeki kuvame ukuchuma ekulawuleni nasekubikezeleni. Lapho umyeni wakho azi kahle ukuthi uyosabela kanjani, angagwema imiphumela engokomzwelo yezenzo zakhe. UDkt. Anita Sethi uyaphawula, “Ukwephula amaphethini nokuba ngongalindelekile kunyakazisa inkohliso yomkhohlisi yokuzinza namandla.” 

Ngakho-ke, impendulo elula yokuthi ungamenza kanjani umyeni wakho okhohlisayo ahlupheke iwukushintsha isimiso sakho ngezikhathi ezithile, ukuphishekela izinto ozithandayo ngokuzumayo, noma ukwenqaba ukuzibandakanya ngendlela yakhe evamile. Kodwa-ke, ukungaqiniseki akusho ukuphoqeleka. Kumayelana nokumangaza ngokuzimela kwakho kanye nobunzima bemizwa, hhayi isiphithiphithi. Uhlala usekelwe ezindinganisweni nasezidingweni zakho eziyinhloko , uqinisekisa ukuthi lezi zinyathelo zimayelana nokunika amandla, hhayi ukucasuka nje.

6. Vumela ukuthi imiphumela yezomthetho nezezimali ikhulume kakhulu

Kwesinye isikhathi umyalezo onzima kunawo wonke ungowangempela. Ummeli uMelissa Chen uyachaza, “Lapho amalungiselelo ezezimali ecaciswa futhi kufakwa izivikelo ezingokomthetho, kuthumela umyalezo ocacile, ongenaphutha: Kunemiphumela lapha, futhi ngizimisele ngokuzivikela.” Lokhu kungase kuzwakale kunokhahlo, kodwa emishadweni eyinkimbinkimbi, ikakhulukazi lapho izingane noma izimpahla zihilelekile, ukungazibandakanyi ngokwezimali kungaba iphuzu elinamandla.

Ukuthatha izinyathelo ezinjengokubonisana nommeli, ukuhlukanisa izimali, noma ukuhlala ngokwehlukana okwesikhashana kwenza umyeni wakho abhekane nezindleko zangempela zokukhashelwa kwakhe ngale kwemizwelo. Ichaza kabusha ubudlelwano kusukela kumalungelo kuya ezingxoxweni. U-Chen uyanezela, "Lezi zenzo zishaya kanzima ngoba zithinta indlela yokuphila nokuvikeleka, zombili lezi zinto abakhohlisi bavame ukungazinaki phakathi nokuzanelisa kwesikhashana."

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ubudlelwano Nomuntu Osebenza Naye—Izimpawu Eziyi-15 Zokuthi Umyeni Wakho Uyakopela Emsebenzini

7. Khetha ukuphulukiswa esikhundleni sokuziphindiselela, futhi ubuke lokho kuhlaba

Nakuba kuzwakala kuyindida, ukuphulukiswa kungaba uhlobo olubukhali kakhulu lokuhlupheka okubeka kumyeni okhohlisayo. Umelaphi uDkt. Karen Silva uthi, “Abantu ngokuvamile bawabukela phansi amandla okuthethelela, hhayi ngomqondo wokukhohlwa noma ukuthethelela ukukhashelwa, kodwa ukuzithethelela nokuqhubekela phambili. Lokhu kusho ukuthi awuwashisi amabhuloho noma wenze izenzo zokuziphindiselela ezikuvalela ezinhlungwini. Kunalokho, ukhetha ukuthula.

Ngakho-ke, uyabona, indlela yokwenza ukukopela umyeni ahlupheke akudingeki ukuthi kuhilele ukuhlaselwa okuncane noma imidlalo yengane nhlobo. Konke kumayelana nendlela eguquguqukayo, eguquliwe lapho amandla elele kuwe. Ukukhula kwakho, imingcele, nokuzihlonipha okunganyakaziswa kwakho kukhuluma kakhulu kunanoma yikuphi ukuxabana. Futhi akulona yini uhlobo lokuhlupheka olubafanele ngempela?

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Imicabango Final

Iseluleko sethu sokugcina sendlela yokubhekana nomyeni okhohlisayo siwukuqina ngokomzwelo futhi sikwazi ukwenza izinqumo ezinzima. Yazi ukuthi unamandla futhi ufanelwe lonke uthando nenhlonipho emhlabeni. Ungavumeli muntu akutshele ngenye indlela. Amadoda ayakhohlisa, kanjalo nabafazi. Ubudlelwano abuphelele. Okubalulekile, nokho, indlela obhekana ngayo nalezi zimo futhi ukhule ube umuntu ongcono ngazo zonke. Impilo inzima, kodwa mhlawumbe izama ukusifundisa isifundo.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.