21 Ngā Tohu He Raru Riri tō Tāne, Me Pēhea Te Whakatau

He pakanga, he tautohetohe, he pikinga, he hekenga i roto i ia whanaungatanga. Tērā pea kua kōrero pukuriri kē kōrua ko tō hoa i a kōrua i te huarahi, ā, kua hiahia kōrua kia hoki atu. Engari, ki te nui rawa te riri, ki te kaha rawa, tera pea he raruraru kino rawa atu kei mua i a kōrua. I tētahi taumata, kua mōhio kē koe. Koia koe i konei, e rapu ana i ngā tohu he raruraru riri tō te tāne.

Tērā pea he āhua huna pērā i te tere rawa o te tauhohe ki ngā mea katoa e kōrerohia ana e koe, he āhua mārama rānei pērā i te wehe i a koe i ngā hoa me te whānau. Nā te mea kāore he tauira whanonga kua tautuhia mō te tāne he raruraru riri, ka raru pea te mōhio he aha tāu e pā ana. Nō reira, me pēhea e koe te aromatawai i te wā e kiia ai te riri o tō tāne he raruraru riri? Ko te mea nui ake, me pēhea e koe te ako me pēhea te whakahaere i te tangata he raruraru riri?

Kua kohikohia e mātou te hinengaro o te tangata pukuriri, me ngā tirohanga a ngā tohunga hinengaro tohutohu Kavita Panyam (He Tohu Paerua i roto i te Hinengaro, he hononga ā-ao ki te American Psychological Association), kua neke atu i te rua tekau tau e āwhina ana i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine ki te whakatau i ō rātou raruraru whanaungatanga, hei āwhina i a koe ki te whakaaro me pēhea te whakahaere i tētahi whanaungatanga ina he raruraru riri tō te tāne.

He pēhea te pānga o ngā raruraru riri ki tētahi whanaungatanga

Ehara i te mea onge te riri ki tō hoa i tētahi wā poto noa iho. I ētahi wā, ka ahua kino pea ā rātou kupu mamae ki a koe, ka pā kino rānei ētahi mahi ki a koe, ā, ka miharo koe. Tae noa ki tēnei wā, kei te whakahaeretia te āhuatanga. Ka kitea ngā pānga kino o te riri i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ina he 'tauira' ki ngā huringa riri me ō rātou whakaaturanga. Ka rerekē mai i te aukati i te hoa ki tētahi mea whakamataku pērā i te tukino i te kāinga. Ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe me pēhea te mōhio mēnā he raruraru riri tō te tāne, tirohia mēnā ka pā ēnei āhuatanga o te tangata pukuriri ki tō hoa:

• Ka tangi
• Ngā ingoa karanga
• Ngā mea e pakaru ana
• Te kohi kōrero tonu

He raruraru ēnei katoa nā te mea ka waiho te tangata kei te taha o te riri – arā, ko koe – kia mataku, kia mataku hoki i ngā wā katoa. Koia te take e haere tahi ai te manukanuka me te riri i roto i ngā whanaungatanga – mā te riri o tētahi hoa ka manukanuka tetahi atu. Ehara tēnā i te āhuatanga hauora, ahakoa pēhea. Ko te kaha ake o ngā tohu o ngā take riri, ko te nui ake o te kino ki te whanaungatanga. Anei ētahi pānga o ngā take riri ki tētahi whanaungatanga:

1. Ka pā ki tō whakaaro nui ki a koe anō

Ki te mea kei te aroha koe ki tētahi tangata noa, he tangata whakapatipati, he tangata whai whakaaro ki a ia anō, ā, he rite āna kupu ki te maripi, kei te tino tūpono tō kōrua whanaungatanga, e hoa. Ko te kaupapa katoa o te oranga o tēnei tangata ko:

• Kimihia te hapa o ētahi atu
• Te whakahe i ō rātou whanaunga mō ngā take iti noa iho
• Whakaitihia rātou i mua i te aroaro o ētahi atu
• Whakaitihia ā rātou whakatutukitanga

Ehara i te mea nui rawa te tumanako kia whiwhi koe i te mihi me te whakawhetai i roto i te whanaungatanga. Heoi, kāore e taea e te hoa pukuriri te whakatutuki i ēnei hiahia taketake. Engari, ka kitea koe kei te pito o te karanga ingoa tonu, ka whara ai tō whakaaro mō tō mana me tō whakapono ki a koe anō, ka waiho koe kia ruarua i ngā āhuatanga katoa o te ao.

2. Ka meinga koe kia hikoi i runga i ngā anga hua manu i te taha o rātou

"Nā te riri o taku hoa tāne ahau i manukanuka ai," te kī a Anne, he tauira tuhinga 21-tau te pakeke i NYU, "Kāore au i te mōhio he aha te mea iti ka whakaoho i a ia. I tētahi atu rā, i wareware ahau ki te whakaweto i te whakamahana i mua i taku haerenga ki te kura, ā, i waea mai ia ki ahau i waenganui o te akomanga ki te hamama mai ki ahau. Ahakoa taku aroha ki a ia, e kino ana ahau ki a ia." te hikoi i runga i ngā anga hua manu i roto i taku whanaungatanga I ngā wā katoa.”

Ka kite koe i te āhua o te kore e taea te matapae i te riri kino ka tino whakararuraru i te hoa rangatira? Ina ngana tonu tetahi ki te aroturuki i āna kupu me āna mahi hei pupuri i te marino o tetahi atu, e kore rawa e taea e ia te whakaatu i tōna tuakiri pono, ā, ehara i te tohu mō ngā whanaungatanga hauora.

3. Ka meinga koe kia rapu utu

Ki te tere te riri o tō tāne, ā, i roto i te wā, ka tīmata hoki āna pahūtanga ki te whakaoho i a koe. Ka rapu tonu koe i ngā whai wāhitanga hei whakahē i a ia, hei whakaatu hoki i tana hē. He tohu tēnei mō tētahi whanaungatanga kino kore pumau ka waiho koe kia pōuri. He mea noa iho te wā ka mōhio koe, "Kua nui! Kāore e taea e au tēnei mahi i tēnei wā."

4. Ka tīmata tō hoa ki te whakamataku i a koe

I kōrero mai taku hoa a Angela mō tana kōrero pōuri mō te marena ki ahau, "E wehi ana ahau i te riri o taku tāne. I ētahi wā kāore au i te whakapono i tīmata māua i tēnei whanaungatanga me te nui o te aroha, te ngākau aroha, me te tumanako. Ā, anei māua i tēnei rā! Me aha ahau mēnā ka patua koe e tō tāne? Ko te mea kino rawa atu, me te mea ka tata te whānautanga o te pēpi, kāore e taea e au te tākai i aku peke me te patu noa i te tatau ki tōna mata. Kāore au i whakaaro ka noho ahau i roto i te hunga ngā wāhine e whakaaro ana me noho tonu rātou i roto i ngā whanaungatanga tukino"engari kei konei ahau e mauheretia ana i roto i taku marena"

I tino wehi ahau i te kōrero a Angela. Mēnā ka kitea koe i roto i tētahi āhuatanga ōrite, ka akiaki ahau i a koe kia whakaarohia ō whiringa me te rapu huarahi puta. He maha ngā ngoikoretanga o te whakaipoipo i tētahi tāne he riri tōna – he marena rānei ki tētahi – engari ko te tukino tinana me waiho hei arai mārama. Waea atu ki te raina āwhina mō ngā wāhine, tikina he whakahau aukati, neke atu mēnā ka taea, ripoatahia ia mō te tukino – mahia te mea e tika ana kia tiakina ai koe.

21 Ngā Tohu He Raru Riri Te Tāne

"Ka riri taku tāne mēnā ka whakahē ahau ki a ia. He maha ngā wā ka rerekē ana tauhohenga ki te āhuatanga," te kōrero a Vern, he miihini nō Toronto, "E mārama ana ahau ki te riri, engari ko te āhua o tana tauhohenga ki ia mea iti he mea whakamataku, he mea āwangawanga hoki i ētahi wā. Haunga te kore manawanui, he raruraru riri anō hoki tō taku tāne?"

Ko tētahi o ngā āhuatanga tino kitea o ngā tāne he raruraru riri, he uaua ki te whakahaere i ā rātou tauhohenga. Ahakoa i roto i tōna hinengaro marino, ka kite ia kei te raru tōna riri i roto i te whanaungatanga, kāore pea ia e kaha ki te pupuri i a ia anō kia kaua e riri ina pū ake tōna riri. Ki te kitea koe i roto i tētahi āhuatanga ōrite, he mea nui kia tiakina koe e koe anō, ā, me mahi pea koe ki te kimi i tētahi otinga. Ko te taahiraa tuatahi ki taua huarahi ko te whakaae ki te raruraru kei mua i a koe, ā, ka tīmata tēnā mā te tautuhi i ngā tohu he raruraru riri tō te tāne:

Te pānui e pā ana: He tangata hihiko taku tāne, ā, ko te moni anake tana arotahi, ahakoa te utu o ngā whanaungatanga

1. Kāore e taea e ia te whakahaere i ōna kare ā-roto

Ki a Lisa, he uaua ki te pānui i ngā kōrero a tana tāne, a Richard. I whai tonu ia i te pātai, "He raruraru riri tō taku tāne?" He maha ngā rā, he wiki hoki ka ringihia e ia he putiputi, he koha, me ngā mihi ki a ia. Mai i te kore noa iho, ka hamama ia ki a ia nā te mea i hokona e ia te waitohu hē o te pata parakuihi.

"Ina pāngia te riri o te tāne, ka huripokitia e ia ngā peka o tōna tinana," te kī a Kavita, me te tāpiri atu, "Ka whakaatu ia i te aroha me te manaaki nui i tētahi rā, kātahi ka riri nui ki a koe i tētahi atu rā. Kāore he taurite, kāore he waenganui."

Ki te mea ka whakamātau tō hoa aroha-poma i ētahi wā engari ka whakaiti i a koe, ka hamama rānei ki a koe mō ngā mea iti noa iho, he tohu ēnei he pukuriri ia. Ko te kore e mōhio me pēhea tana tauhohe ki tētahi āhuatanga tētahi o ngā tohu tino kitea o ngā take riri. Nō reira, ka kitea koe e hikoi ana i runga i ngā anga hua manu i tōna taha – ahakoa i roto i ō kōrua wā tino marino, wā tino harikoa rānei o te noho tahi.

2. Ka whakapāha ia engari kāore e huri

E ai ki te kōrero, he tinihanga te whakapāha me te kore whakarerekētanga. Ki te whakapāha tō hoa i ia wā ka puta tōna riri ki a koe engari kāore e taea te whakarerekē i tana whanonga, he tohu tēnā kei te pukuriri ia. Ka tino te whanau paitini te wāhi e mau ana koe i roto i te porowhita kino o te whiu a tō hoa ki a koe, kātahi ka ngana ki te whakatika i te kino me te whakapāha.

Ahakoa te pouri pono i ia wā, ki te kore ia e whiwhi āwhina, e ako rānei ki te whakahaere i ōna hiahia riri, he koretake, he koretake hoki āna whakapāha. E mōhio ana koe he raruraru pukuriri tō hoa rangatira, tō hoa tāne rānei, ahakoa tā rāua whakapāha tino kaha me te ngākau nui, kei te whakakahore tetahi wāhanga o koe ki te whakapono ka huri ngā mea hei pai ake.

3. Ka wareware ia i a koe i te taha wairua

"He maha ngā huarahi e kitea ai te tika ki te whakaatu i te riri," te kī a Kavita, "Ehara i te mea ko ngā pakanga tinana, ko te hamama rānei anake. Tērā pea ko te kore aro ki ngā kare ā-roto he huarahi anō hoki hei mōhio mēnā he raruraru riri tō te tāne." E kī ana ia he riri huna/kore mahi mēnā:

• Kāore rawa e hoki mai ki tō tuara
• Kāore e whakaatu ana i te tautoko, i te manaaki rānei
• Kāore e waiho hei kaupapa mō te kōrero ki a koe i ia rā
• Ka hoatu ki a koe te maimoatanga puku

Koinā te mea i pā ki a Māta rāua ko Pene. Kāore a Pene i tino karanga ki a Māta; he momo riri makariri, pōuriuri tōna, ā, kāore ia e kōrero ki a ia. Me te mea nei kei te whiu tonu ia i a ia. I te mataku tonu ia, ā, i whakaaro tonu ia, "He aha te mea e riri ai te tāne i roto i te whanaungatanga?"

Ki te mea kei te āraihia koe, kei te āwangawanga rānei i muri i ia whakahē, ia tautohetohe rānei, kia mōhio koe koinei pea tētahi o ngā tohu he riri tō te tāne. Tērā pea he ātaahua te āhua o te tangata pōuri, te tangata tūhāhā mai i tawhiti – nā te ahurea rongonui me ngā pāpāho e whāngai mai ana i ngā whakaaro hē mō te tāne me te mātātoa – engari ka tere te hoha ki te manawanui atu.

Te pānui e pā ana: Me pēhea te whakahaere i te riri i roto i te whanaungatanga: 12 ngā huarahi hei whakahaere i te riri

4. He tere tonu tana whakawā

Me pēhea te kite i ngā raruraru riri i roto i te whanaungatanga? Whakaarohia te āhua o ō kare ā-roto i roto i te whanaungatanga:

• Kei te whakatenatena tō hoa i a koe, kei te tautoko i a koe, ā, kei te mea kia whakaaro koe he tino manaakitanga ia ki a koe?
• Kāore rānei ia i te kimi huarahi hou ake, auaha ake hei whakaatu i a koe kāore koe i te pai?

Ka kakahuria e koe he kākahu hou, ka kōrero kino ia. Ka whakatau koe ki te mātaki tahi i tētahi kiriata, ka amuamu ia mō taua mea, ā, ka whakapae i a koe mō te whiriwhiri i taua kiriata. Ahakoa tāu e mahi ai, he mea noa iho. kāore rawa i te pai mōna ā, ka whakawā tonu ia i a koe. Ki te kite koe kei te pōkaikaha koe, kia mōhio: Koinei tētahi o ngā tohu whakatūpato he raruraru riri tō te tāne.

"I roto i ngā whanaungatanga tukino, ka ngana te hoa ki te whakarerekē i ngā mea katoa mōu. Ka meinga tonutia koe e rātou kia kore e tika, ā, ko ia kōwhiringa ka mahia e koe ka whakahēngia," te kī a Kavita, "Ahakoa ka ngana koe ki te whakatau i ngā mea, ka pupuhihia koe e rātou ki ngā kupu whakatoi, ā, ka kore e pai ki te whakatau i ngā mea."

5. Ka kōrero anō ia mō ngā hapa o mua

Me pēhea te mōhio mena he raruraru riri tō te tāne? Ngā pakanga kino ka puta. Ka whakapau kaha ia ki te patu i a koe me ngā hapa o mua kia waiho ai koe kia iti, kia kore hoki e taea te āwhina. Anei tētahi tauira. Tērā pea kei te tautohetohe koe i tēnei wā mō tētahi mea ngāwari pēnei i te tono manuhiri kia haere mai i te mutunga wiki. I tēnei pakanga, ka:

• Whakahuatia tētahi mea i kōrerotia e koe i tētahi hui i te tau kua hipa
• Kia maumahara koe ki te wā i kawea mai ai e koe he putiputi ki te kāinga i mate pāwera ia ki
• Whakahē i a koe mō te moni i maumauria e koe ki te kai pāti i ngā marama e ono kua pahure

6. Ka wehea koe e ia

Ko tētahi o ngā tohu tino kitea he riri tō te tāne ko tōna hiahia ki te whakahaere i ngā āhuatanga katoa o tō koiora, me te whakaiti i tō āhua motuhake, mā te āta haere:

• Kāore ia e pai kia tūtaki koe ki ō hoa
• E kino ana ia ki a koe ina haere koe ki te kite i ō mema o te whānau mō te parakuihi o te Rātapu
• "He aha koe me mahi ai? E ranea ana taku whiwhinga mō tāua tokorua," tērā pea ka mea atu ia ki a koe

"Ki te pukuriri tō hoa/tāne, ka wehea koe e ia i ō pūnaha tautoko katoa," te whakatūpato a Kavita, "Ko te whakaaro kia whakawhirinaki katoa koe ki a ia, ahakoa ka tukuna e ia tōna riri katoa ki a koe, kāore he tangata hei tahuri atu, kāore hoki he wāhi hei haere atu māu. Tērā pea ka puta mai tana whakaaro me te mea ko te mea pai rawa atu māu te mea e hiahiatia ana e ia, engari, ko te mea pono, e hiahia ana ia kia whakawhirinaki koe ki a ia."

7. Ka tinihanga ia i a koe

Anei ētahi tohu ngawari o te riri a te tāne:

• Ka meinga koe e ia kia whakaaro kei te hē tonu koe, ā, ko ia tonu te patunga.
• Ka riria tonutia koe e ia, ka āraia rānei koe e ia
• Mēnā ka tūtohu koe te whakamātau i te rongoā a te tokorua, ka kī tonu atu ia kāore ia e hiahia ana ki tēnā, nā te mea kei roto noa i tōu mahunga te āhua nei

Ki te ngana koe ki te tiaki i a koe anō, tera pea ka āhua whara ia, ka whakapae i a koe mō te whara i a ia, engari ko te ritenga kē. He taha whakahaere tō ngā tāne riri, e kore e taea e koe te kite i tōna āhua tūturu, e kore hoki e taea te aro atu kia tae rā anō ki te wā e whakaae ana koe ki te āhua tūturu o tōu āhuatanga.

8. Ka meinga koe e ia kia kore e tika

E mōhio ana tātou katoa kei reira ētahi ngā mea mamae e kore rawa e tika kia kōrerotia ki ō tātou hoa, engari he hoa/hoa tāne he raruraru riri. Ina pā mai te huringa riri, ka tangohia e ia tētahi huarahi kore-ārai hei tuku i tōna riri me tōna riri. Anei ētahi tauira tūturu hei tirotiro māu:

• Ka kī atu ia kāore koe i te whai hua
• Tērā pea ka mea atu ia he waimarie koe kei te piripono ia ki a koe, nā te mea kāore he tangata kē atu e kī mai
• Ka whakarārangihia e ia ngā huarahi rerekē i whakakino ai koe i tōna ao

9. Ka hoatu e ia te tohutohu hē ki a koe

Kāore rawa te tangata riri e aro ki tōu pai. Nō reira, ki te tono tohutohu koe ki a ia, ka tūtohu ia kia mahi koe i te mea pai mōna i te wā roa. Tērā pea mō tō mahi, mō tō whānau, mō ētahi atu take o te ao rānei. Ā, ki te hoki whakamuri mai ana tohutohu, ka kitea tonu e ia he huarahi hei whakapae i a koe, hei riri. Ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe me pēhea te mōhio mēnā he riri tō te tangata, ko tēnei āhua e whakaatu tonu ana i a koe ki te āhua kino, ā, e whakamahi ana i taua āhua hei whakaputa i tōna riri ki a koe i te huarahi tino kino rawa atu, he tohu mate tēnei.

10. Ka kōrero kino ia ki a koe

Kāore te kino i puta mai i ngā tāne riri e herea ana ki ō rātou whanaungatanga anake. Ina kapi te riri i a ia, e kore tō hoa e mangere ki te kōrero kino i a koe, ahakoa te āhua o tō āhua i mua i tō whānau, i ō hoa, i ō hoa mahi, i ō hoa mōhio rānei. Tērā pea ia:

• Kōrero atu ki tō whānau he hoa rangatira kino koe
• Kōrero atu ki ō hoa kāore e taea e koe te pupuri i tētahi mea ngaro
• Kōrero atu ki tō rangatira kāore koe i tino māuiui i te rā i tangohia ai e koe he hararei

Ki a ia, ko te tuku i te koha te mea nui te kaha o te mana i roto i te whanaungatanga hei painga mōna, ā, ina pā mai te riri, kāore pea ia e aro ki te utu. Ka taea e ngā take riri o ngā tāne te whakararu i tō rātou whakaaro tika, ā, ko ō rātou hoa te hunga e pikau ana i te taumahatanga o taua mea.

Te pānui e pā ana: 13 Ngā Mea Kino Rawa Ka Taea e te Tāne te Kōrero ki tana Wahine

11. Tērā pea ka akiaki ia i a koe ki ngā āhuatanga haumaru kore

Ki te mea he raruraru riri kei roto i te whanaungatanga, ka maha ngā tautohetohe e puta. I waenganui i te tautohetohe werawera, ka peia pea koe e ia i waho o te whare, me te kī kāore ia e pai ki te kite i a koe, ki te kore he pai ake mō te katoa mēnā ka haere noa koe. Anō, tera pea i te awatea, i waenganui pō rānei, engari kāore ia e manukanuka ki te wāhi e haere ai koe, ki te mea rānei he nui āu moni mō te penehīni i roto i te motuka. Ko tāna e aro nui ana, i taua wā tonu, ko te whakaatu i tōna riri me te whakapuaki i tōna mana ki a koe mā te akiaki i a koe kia haere.

12. Ka whiua e ia ia anō

Kāore te riri e anga tonu ana ki waho engari ki roto anō hoki. Ko tēnei kore o aroha-whaiaro tērā pea ka whiua ia e ia anō i ēnei ara e whai ake nei:

• Ka toremi ia i a ia anō ki te whakamahi i ngā matū hei mawhiti atu i ōna whakaaro pōuri/pouri
• Kāore ia e whiriwhiri i ngā mahi e pai ana māna (te whakakorikori tinana, te peita, me ētahi atu)
• Ka whakakahoretia e ia te kai hauora, ka kai i te para kai.
• Ka uru ia ki tana ake mahi kino

13. Ka whakawehi ia ki te patu i a koe

Kei te rapu tonu koe i ngā tohu kei te riri te tāne? He tohu nui tēnei mēnā ka oma mai ia ki a koe me te hiahia ki te patu, kātahi ka mutu tana mahi, ka kite rānei koe i a ia e pupuri ana i a ia kei patu i a koe, ka whakawehi rānei ia i a koe ki te tutu mēnā kāore koe e whakarongo. Ko te mea ka mataku koe i ana mahi me ana kupu, he tohu whakatūpato kaua e warewarehia. Ko te tikanga o te aroha kia noho haumaru koe, kaua e mataku.

14. Ko te tutu tētahi o ngā tohu he riri tō te tangata

Ka taea e te whanaungatanga ki tētahi tangata e raru ana i ngā raruraru riri te huri hei tutu. E mārama ana kāore tō tāne/hoa tāne e kaha ki te whakahaere i a ia anō me ōna kare ā-roto, mēnā:

• Ka pakaru ngā mea ina riri
• Ka pā ki a koe
• Whakatupu i ngā whara tinana ki a koe
• Ka wehi koe mō tō haumaru

15. Ka uru ia ki ngā pakanga

A ako e whakaatu ana ko te karo i te aro atu ki te ahotea me te kore e mōhio ki te whakaoti rapanga whanaungatanga ka whakanui ake i te āhua o te hunga riri. Nō reira, ka mutu ka tukuna e rātou ō rātou raruraru ki ngā tāngata e karapoti ana i a rātou. Ahakoa kāore anō tō hoa kia aro atu ki a koe tae noa mai ki tēnei wā, he mārama kei a ia te raruraru mena ka riri ia ki ngā tāngata e karapoti ana i a ia ahakoa he iti noa te whakatoi, he pono, he whakaaro rānei. Nō reira pātai atu ki a koe anō,

• Kei te kite koe i a ia e tutu ana i ngā kōrero harakore a tētahi hoa piri?
• E riri ana ia ki ngā kaimahi/taraiwa tekisi mō ngā mea nohinohi?
• E pōuri ana/e whakapataritarihia ana rānei ia e ētahi atu i ngā wā maha i te rā?

Mena āe, e mārama ana kāore tō hoa rangatira i te mōhio me pēhea te tukatuka me te whakaputa i tōna riri.

16. E whakama ana ia engari kāore e rerekē

I whaki mai taku hoa a Sarah ki ahau i ēnei rā tata nei, "Ka riri taku tāne mēnā ka whakahē ahau ki a ia. Ka kōrero kino ia, ā, i muri mai ka tangi mō tōna hara. Engari ka hoki anō tēnei huringa kino, ā, kāore e mutu te tukino kare ā-roto. Kei te riri ia ki ahau, kei te riri rānei ki a ia anō?" Mēnā kei te pouri tō hoa wahine (pērā i a Sarah) engari kāore e tautoko i ngā huringa whanonga tūturu, kei te aroha koe ki tētahi tāne kāore e taea te whakahaere i ōna kare ā-roto. Tērā pea, kei te raru ia ki... he iti te kiritau ngā āwangawanga huna rānei e meinga ai ia kia riri.

17. Kāore ia e mōhio me pēhea te whakaputa i ōna ihu i roto i te hauora

Kaiako whakaaroaro Pooja Priyamvada e whakanui ana, "He maha ngā wā ka manawanui te hoa rangatira, te hoa rangatira rānei e riri ana, ā, ka whakaatu i te kore e pai ki te whakarongo ki tētahi whakaaro rerekē. Kāore rātou e mōhio ki te nui o ā rātou whanonga i ngā wā e riri ana. Ahakoa he pai te whakaputa i ō rātou whakaaro, me mahi i roto i te huarahi kore tutu me te aro." Mena he mea tauhou ki tō hoa te ariā o te whakaputa i ō rātou whakaaro hauora, he tohu tēnā kāore ia i te mōhio me pēhea te whakahaere pai i ngā kare ā-roto kino.

18. Kāore ia e hoatu wāhi ki a koe

He aha te take o ngā raruraru riri, e whakaaro ana koe? Ngā āwangawanga hōhonu me te whakaaro kāore i te rawaka. Ā, ka puta mai i te hae nui/te mana pupuri. Nō reira, kāore pea tō hoa e hiahia ki te tuku wāhi ki a koe, ki te mana motuhake rānei, ā, ka riri pea koe ina tū pakari koe. Ko ēnei ngā tohu whakatūpato o te tāne whakahaereKo te /hoa ngā tohu o tētahi whanaungatanga kino/paitini kei te hangaia.

Tautoko Shazia Saleem e mea ana, "He tino angiangi te rārangi i waenganui i te whakahaere me te manaaki. I te nuinga o te wā, ka whakahaere te tangata i te tangata kē i roto i te huna o te manaaki, kāore e tuku i a rātou kia tū motuhake."

19. Ka rerekē te reo o tōna tinana

Ko te whanonga hē, te riri rānei mēnā kāore ngā mea e puta i te huarahi e hiahiatia ana, he āhuatanga noa iho ēnei o te tangata pukuriri. Tērā pea ka puta he huringa ā-tinana i te pikinga o te pukuriri ka mataku koe. Ka whakaatuhia e te tangata he raruraru riri ēnei tohu reo tinana e whai ake nei:

• Ka whero tōna mata, ka whānui hoki ōna kamo
• E pupuhi ana tōna ihu me tōna uma, ā, te āhua nei kāore ia e mangere ki te patu i tētahi
• Ka piki ake te tere o tōna manawa me te toto toto

Te pānui e pā ana: Te Mārama ki ngā Āhuatanga o te Tūkino i roto i te Hononga

20. Ka whakangaromia e ia ngā taonga

He tohu riri te patu pakitara? Ae, he tohu nui te whakangaro taonga. Me whakaaro anō koe ki te noho i roto i tēnei whanaungatanga mēnā:

• Ka pakaru ngā pereti ki runga i te papa
• Ka turakina ngā mea i runga i ngā tēpu
• Ka pakaru ngā mea utu nui huri noa i te whare

21. Ko te whara i a ia anō tētahi o ngā tohu he raruraru riri tō te tangata

Ko ngā raruraru riri ka waiho hei tauira o whanonga whakakino whaiaroHe mea tangata te riri, engari ko te āhua o tā tātou whakahaere i taua riri te mea nui mō tō tātou hauora hinengaro. He tino uaua ki a ia te whakahaere i ngā raruraru o tōna pukuriri mēnā:

• Ka tapahia ōna ringaringa
• Ka papaki i a ia anō
• Ka pana atu i te tangata
• He nui rawa te whakahē i a ia anō

"Mō ngā tāne he riri tō rātou, ehara koe i te tangata tūturu, he pēke whiu noa iho koe – he wāhi putunga mō ō rātou mamae kare ā-roto katoa," te kī a Kavita. Ko te tino take, ina whakanuia te reo o te tāne ki te wahine, ehara i te mea ngāwari ki te manawanui ki a ia. Ka nui ake tō piko ki raro hei pupuri i te rangimārie, ka nui ake tōna maia. Koia te mea nui kia ako koe ki te kimi i tō reo ngaro, kia mau tonu hoki tō tūnga ina tīmata koe ki te kite i ngā tohu he riri tō te tāne.

Me pēhea te whakatau i tētahi tāne he riri tōna

"E pāngia ana taku tāne e te riri nui. Engari kei te mau tonu ōku aroha ki a ia, ā, e hiahia ana ahau ki te mahi i tēnei whanaungatanga," te kī a Millie, he kaiako kōhungahunga. Pērā i a Millie, e hiahia ana hoki koe ki te mahi ki te whakaora i tō whanaungatanga ahakoa ngā raruraru kitea o tō hoa rangatira? Ahakoa e mihi ana mātou ki tō manawanui me tō whakatau, e hiahia ana mātou ki te kī anō kāore he nui o te aroha e tika ana kia tūpono ki tō haumaru me tō hauora hinengaro. I runga i ō āhuatanga, ko te tiaki i a koe anō te mea nui rawa atu māu. Heoi, ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe he tumanako hei huri i ngā mea, anei ētahi huarahi ka taea e koe te whakatau i tētahi hoa rangatira he raruraru riri tōna:

1. Āwhina i a ia ki te kimi i ngā take me ngā mea e whakaoho ana i a ia

Mō ngā take riri o ngā tāne, kāore pea i te taea e rātou te whakahaere i ō rātou ake āhua kino. He maha ngā āhuatanga o roto, o waho hoki i whai wāhi ki te huri i a ia hei tangata pēnei i tēnei rā - he kore aro, he whanoke, he ahua whakamataku hoki. Ko te mahi tuatahi i konei ko te mārama ki te take o ngā take riri i roto i a koe e hoa.

Kia hohonu ake tō ruku ki ngā mea e whakaoho ana i a ia, ka kitea e koe ngā huarahi hauora hei whakatau i te raruraru. Nō reira, tūhuratia:

• I pāngia ia e te tukino/te tukino tinana i a ia e tamariki ana?
• Kei te ngana ia ki te te aro atu ki te manukanuka whanaungatanga take?
• He tikanga ārai rānei tōna riri hei whakaea i tōna whakahāwea i a ia anō?

2. Kia aroha

Aroha, manawanui, tautoko, aroha – kāore he mana whakaora pai atu i ēnei i te ao. Mā te kitenga i a koe e tū ana i tōna taha ka hoatu pea ki a ia te hihiri ki te whakatika pono i ōna ngoikoretanga. Anei me pēhea te whakatau i tētahi tangata he riri tōna:

• Hoatu he horopeta reka o te whakaū pai ki tāu tāne i ia rā, i ia rā
• Ngāna ki te whakatenatena i a ia kia uru atu ki ngā kōrero hohonu ake, kia noho ngāwari hoki ki te aro atu ki ōna kare ā-roto kino katoa.
• Whakaaetia ōna āwangawanga ahakoa te iti o aua āwangawanga ki a koe

3. Whakatenatenahia ia kia mahi i te aroātahi

Mena kua moe tāne koe, kua whakaipoipo rānei ki tētahi tāne e pāngia ana e te mamae o te riri kua ngaro i tōna tamarikitanga, ka hiahia pea koe ki te tautoko i a ia i roto i te haerenga i mua i tō whakarērea katoatia ia. Ki tō whakaaro kei te pai ia ki te whakatika i ōna raruraru riri? Mena āe, ka taea e kōrua te whai wāhi atu ki ētahi mahi whakaaroaro:

• Tīmata ki te tuhi i ō kare ā-roto hei āwhina i a koe ki te pupuri i ō kare ā-roto
• He mea pai pea te hikoi roa, me te pupuri i te ringa he huarahi ki te hono anō i muri i te pakanga nui
• He tino whai hua ngā wā whakaaroaro whakamarie me ngā mahi manawa ki te whakahaere i te riri kua puritia.

4. Haere atu ina kore e taea te whakahaere i te āhuatanga

"Ka puta te riri o taku tāne ki ahau, ā, ka mataku ahau," te kī a Lily, tētahi o ā mātou kaipānui nō California, "I ētahi wā ka huri ia hei tangata tino rerekē, ka hamama nui, ka whiua mai ngā mea ki ahau. Ka tino ngoikore ahau, ka kore hoki e taea te āwhina i te wā kotahi." E Lily, kāore koe e hiahia ki te tū ki reira me te manawanui ki tana pahūtanga ohorere kia marino rā anō ia. Kimihia he ara hei wehe atu i te whare, ka tae ki tētahi wāhi e taea ai e koe te noho haumaru.

Ki te pakaru ngā mea a tō tāne i a koe e riri ana, anei ngā mea me mahi e koe:

• Kia mau tonu ētahi nama waea āwhina mō te tūkino ā-whare
• Kia mōhio tonu ō hoa me tō whānau ki tō āhuatanga
• Tangohia koe i te āhuatanga i mua i te hurihanga kia pōrearea

Mena kei roto koe i te mōrearea tonu, waea atu ki te 9-1-1. Mō te āwhina huna, huna hoki, 24/7, waea atu ki te National Domestic Violence Hotline i te 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) i te 1-800-787-3224 rānei (TTY).

5. Rapua he āwhina INĀIANEI

Ki te riri tō hoa/tāne mō ngā mea iti noa iho, me mahi koe i tō wāhanga ki te āwhina i a ia ki te whakaae ki te raruraru me te rapu awhina ngaio. I te nuinga o te wā, ko te whanonga pukuriri i ahu mai i ngā raruraru whanaungatanga o mua/ngā raruraru whānau i a ia e tipu ake ana. Ka taea anake te whakatau i tēnei mā te wawaotanga a te tohunga hauora hinengaro. Ki te mea kei te rapu huarahi koe ki te tiki i te awhina e hiahiatia ana e tō hoa, me rapu tohutohu mohio, mātau hoki. Te rōpū tohunga o Bonobology kei konei tonu mo koe.

Ehara i te mea ngāwari te aro atu ki te piki me te heke o ngā kare ā-roto e kaha ana i roto i te whanaungatanga nā te mea kāore tō hoa rangatira e mōhio me pēhea te whakahaere i tōna riri. Kia maumahara, ehara koe i te whāriki tatau, i te pokapū whakaora rānei mō te tāne e raru ana ki te riri. Ki te kore tonu ia e pai ki te huri, me whakarite tō haumaru me tō oranga tinana ki mua, kātahi ka haere. He pai ake te mea e tika ana māu.

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