Ngā Momo Tinihanga e 7 – Me te Take e Tinihanga ai rātou

Ina kī au i te kupu "tinihanga," he aha tāu e whakaaro tonu ana? Tērā pea he tangata e moe tāne ana i waho o te whanaungatanga, tika? Āe, he tino uaua ake te tinihanga, e hoa, i tērā. He rerekē ngā take e akiakihia ana te hunga tinihanga, i runga i ngā momo āhua o te hunga tinihanga. Hei tauira, kua mātaki koe i te kiriata Last Night ? He kōrero mō ngā mahi o roto o te marena, e whakamatautauria ana ngā hoa tokorua e ngā momo rerekē o te tinihanga i muri i te tautohetohe werawera. E tūhuratia ana ngā uauatanga o ngā whanaungatanga me ngā huarahi rerekē e taea ai e te tangata te tinihanga.

Kei te kite koe, ko ētahi o ngā tāngata tinihanga e ārahihia ana e ngā āhuatanga pēnei i te whakapehapeha, te mana rānei. Ko ētahi e tinihanga ana nā te mea kua hoha, kua iti rānei te whakaaro ki a rātou anō. Ko ētahi e pai ana ki te whakahihiri o ngā mahi huna, o te huna me te mawhiti. Ko ētahi e tinihanga ana nā te mea e wehi ana rātou i te whanaungatanga piripono. Kātahi ka whai ētahi e tinihanga ana nā te mea kāore anō kia tutuki ā rātou hiahia kare ā-roto, ā-tinana rānei i roto i tā rātou whanaungatanga. He kaupapa uaua te tinihanga. Nō reira, ina kōrero tātou mō ngā momo rerekē o te kore whakapono, ehara i te whanaungatanga piripono anake. Me ngana tātou ki te whakamārama i ngā take e tinihanga ai te tangata. Ko tā mātou whāinga he āwhina i ā mātou kaipānui ki te waihanga whanaungatanga kaha ake, whai hua ake.

Ngā Momo Tinihanga e 7 – Me te Take e Tinihanga ai rātou

E kī ana te tohunga hinengaro a Esther Perel, "Ko te take o te whakarere i ēnei rā ehara i te mea kāore te tangata i te harikoa engari nā te mea e whakaaro ana rātou ka taea e rātou te harikoa ake. Kei te noho tātou i tētahi wā kāore he whakama ki te wehe. Ko te noho roa i te wā e taea ai te wehe atu he whakama hou. Engari ki te kore e tawaihia te whakarere, te wehenga rānei, he aha tonu te tangata e tinihanga ana? Tērā pea ka wiri rātou i tētahi āhuatanga ohorere pērā i te matenga o tētahi whanaunga, ka akiaki i a rātou ki te whakaara ake i ngā pātai mō tō rātou ake whanaungatanga, mō te marena rānei. Ka pātai rātou ki a rātou anō pēnei i te … Koinei anake? He nui ake anō ngā mea kei roto i te ao? Ka rongo anō rānei ahau i te aroha? Me haere tonu ahau mō ētahi atu 25 tau pēnei?

E ai ki tā Ehetere, he tino uaua, he hohonu ake hoki te pūtake o te tinihanga i tōna āhua i te tirohanga tuatahi. Nō reira, kia mārama ai tātou ki ngā take o ngā momo tinihanga , me mōhio tātou ki ngā momo tinihanga rerekē:

1. Te tangata tinihanga whakangaro-i-a-ia anō

Ko te momo tuatahi o tā mātou rārangi o ngā momo tangata tinihanga ko te tangata e mahi kino tonu ana i a ia anō. He nui te wehi o ēnei momo tangata tinihanga kei mutu te whanaungatanga, ā, ka uru atu rātou ki ngā whanonga e pana atu ai tō rātou hoa. Me te mea kei te ngana pōhēhē rātou ki te waihanga i ngā āhuatanga hei akiaki i tō rātou hoa ki te whakamutu.

Tērā pea ka nui ngā mahi a tētahi hoa tinihanga pēnei. Hei tauira, ka puta he raruraru i roto i te whanaungatanga kia whiwhi ai rātou i te whakamarie tonu mai i tā rātou hoa. Mena kei te whakaaro koe he aha te take e tinihanga ai ēnei tangata whakangaro i a rātou anō i roto i ngā whanaungatanga, anei te rārangi o ngā take:

• I te whanaketanga o te whanaungatanga, ā, i te tīmatanga o te kino haere o ngā mea, ka kaha ake tō rātou wehi kei whakarērea rātou. Kātahi ka uru atu rātou ki te momo whakangaromanga i a rātou anō. Me te mea nei ka riro i a rātou te mana whakahaere o tō rātou wehi, ā, kāore e taea te ārai i te whakangaro i ā rātou mea.
• Hohonu rawa ki roto i a rātou, e mau ana te wehi kei whakakahoretia rātou, ā, ka akiaki i a rātou ki te pana atu i ō rātou whanaunga i mua i te wheako i te mamae o te whakakahoretia.
• I ētahi wā, ka whai wāhi anō hoki tō rātou momo piripono kore-māia ki tēnei whanonga, ā, ka uaua ki a rātou te whakawhirinaki me te hanga hononga kare ā-roto hauora.
• He nui tō rātou mataku kei whakararuraruhia tō rātou mana motuhake i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga pumau. Nō reira, kia mau tonu ai te herekore, te wātea rānei, ka tahuri rātou ki ngā whanonga whakangaro i a rātou anō pērā i te tinihanga.

2. Ngā momo tinihanga – Ko te mea i whara

Kei te kōrero tātou mō te hunga tinihanga kua whara, arā, te hunga kua kore e aroha ki ā rātou hoa. Mēnā koinei te take e tinihanga ai te tangata:

• Ko tēnei momo tinihanga e ahu mai ana i tētahi take hohonu, pērā i te kore aroha me te mamae o te tamarikitanga.
• Ehara i te mea ko te taatai, ko te whanaungatanga tinana rānei te take o te tinihanga mā rātou
• Ko te rapu aro nui, ko te whakaaro nui, me te whakaaro he tino motuhake koe

Hei tauira, e kī ana a Carol (27) nō NYC, "I hoha ahau ki te mahi i ngā mea e tumanakohia ana mai i ahau. I hoha ahau ki te noho hei whaea pai, hei wahine pai, hei tamahine pai. Ko taku hiahia anake ko te taiohitanga kāore i kitea e au. I hiahia ahau kia noho haumaru, kia ora. Kāore au i te rapu i tētahi tangata pai hei hoa mō te rā, i tētahi tāne pai rānei e whakarongo mai ana ki ahau me te manawanui. I te rapu noa ahau i tētahi atu āhua. Koira te wā i tinihanga ai ahau i taku tāne."

He aha te tangata tinihanga e kore ai e whakaatu i te pouri? He rite ki a Kris Jenner, nāna i tinihanga tana tāne, a Robert Kardashian. I tana kōrero mō te tangata i tinihanga tahi rāua, i whakaae ia i roto i tana pukapuka, "I kihi ia i ahau, ā, i kihi anō ahau i a ia. Kāore anō kia kihihia ahau pēnei i roto i ngā tau 10. Nā tēnei i meinga ahau kia taitamariki, kia ātaahua, kia ātaahua, kia ora. I te taha o ēnei kare ā-roto ka puta he ngaru whakapairuaki. I hiahia tonu ahau ki te ruaki i taua wā anō. Nā te mea i mārama ki ahau kāore au i pērā te kare ā-roto ki a Robert mō ngā tau."

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3. Te tangata tinihanga raupapa

Kei te mahara koe ki te kī a te whaea o Rachel ki a ia, "Ki te tinihanga koe, ka hoki tonu koe ki te mahi tinihanga"? I te nuinga o te wā, ka pā tēnei ariā ki ngā tinihanga raupapa . He maha ngā wā ka noho hei kaikōrero teka hoki ēnei tāngata. I roto i ngā momo huarahi tinihanga i roto i te whanaungatanga, koinei te wā e whai pūkenga, mahi, me te wheako te kaikōrero tinihanga kia kore ai e mau. Ka tuku karere tonu rātou ki ētahi atu tāngata, ka tuku taupānga whakaipoipo, ka uru ki ngā hononga. Engari he aha rātou ka tinihanga ai i te tuatahi? Anei ngā take:

• He rerekē te āhua o te tinana, ā, ka puta te harikoa me te tere o te adrenaline ki a rātou, nō reira ka uru atu rātou ki ngā taumata tinihanga rerekē.
• He hohonu te pūtake o ā rātou take herekore, ā, kua pakaru te whakaaro nui ki a rātou anō. Nō reira, ka whakakīia e rātou taua koretake mā te mahi i tētahi mea 'kāore i te whakaaetia'.
• Hei karo i te rongo i ō rātou kare ā-roto, ka hiahia tonu rātou ki ētahi mea kāore e taea e rātou te whiwhi.
• Tata tonu rātou ki te whana i te tutu me te takahi i ngā tikanga

Ina hoki, e whakaatu ana tētahi rangahau ko te mawhiti atu i te tinihanga ka pai te ahua o te tangata. Ka kiia tēnei ko te 'hika o te tangata tinihanga'. Mā te mahi i tētahi mea kāore i te tika, i te mea kua rāhuitia hoki, ka waiho te tangata kia aro nui ki ō rātou "hiahia" i runga ake i ō rātou "tikanga". Engari ko te whakaaro ki ngā hua mō te wā roa ki tō rātou ingoa, ki tō rātou whanaungatanga rānei, ka aro noa atu rātou ki ngā hua o nāianei me ngā hiahia mō te wā poto.

4. Te tangata tinihanga rapu utu

He mea tūturu te tinihanga rapu utu . Ā, whakapono mai ki ahau, ka taea e te tangata te mahi i ētahi mea tino rerekē i a ia e rapu utu ana. Hei tauira, ko te kaiwhakakata a Tiffany Haddish i whakapuaki i tana ake kōrero rapu utu. I whakaae ia, "I tinihanga taku hoa tāne i ahau i runga i te rīpene ataata i taku rā whānau. I rite ahau ki te mea kua paru ia i tōku wairua, nō reira ka whakatau ahau ki te paru i roto i te kapu o ōna hu." Mena kei te hiahia te tangata ki te haere ki ngā taumata teitei pērā i te paru i roto i ngā hū, ehara i te mea miharo ka huri pea ētahi ki te tinihanga hei rapu utu, tika? Ko te tangata e tinihanga ana i runga i te rapu utu ko tētahi o ngā momo tinihanga o te ao whānui, e uru ana ki te puremu hei rapu utu.

Tukua ahau kia whakapuaki i te wheako o taku hoa a Serena. I tinihanga tana hoa i a ia, ā, hei utu, i moe ia ki tana hoa pai rawa atu. I hiahia ia kia rongo ia i te mamae me te tinihanga i pā ki a ia – "he reka o tana ake rongoā" i roto i ana kupu. Ko tēnei momo tangata tinihanga ka mahi i runga i te riri me te wairua 'tit for tat'. 

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5. Ko te tangata tinihanga kare ā-roto tētahi o ngā momo tangata tinihanga

He aha ngā tohu e huri ai te hononga ā-ira ki te aroha? I roto i tana pukapuka whakamaharatanga, i whakaae te kaiwaiata o Amerika a Jessica Simpson, a Open Book, i roto i tana pukapuka whakamaharatanga, he hononga ā-roto tōna ki tana hoa mahi, ki a Johnny Knoxville, i a ia e marena ana ki a Nick Lachey. I tuhituhi ia, "I taea e au te whakapuaki i aku whakaaro pono hohonu ki a ia, ā, kāore ia i huri i ōna kanohi ki ahau. I pai ia ki taku mohio, me taku awhi i ōku ngoikoretanga. Tuatahi, kua marena māua, nō reira kāore tēnei e puta ki te tinana. Engari ki ahau, he kino ake te hononga ā-ira i te tinana. He mea whakakatakata, e mōhio ana ahau, nā te mea i whakanuia e au te taatai ​​mā te kore e mahi i mua i te marena. I muri i taku moepuku, ka mārama ahau ko te taha ā-roto te mea nui ... i pā ki a māua ko Johnny tēnā, he mea tino tinihanga ki taku marena i te taatai."

Nō reira, ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe he aha te momo tangata e tinihanga ana, me mōhio koe ki te tangata tinihanga kare ā-roto. Ehara i te āhua tinana anake te mea e kitea ana e rātou. Tērā pea ko te hunga tinihanga kare ā-roto tētahi o ngā momo tangata tinihanga o te ao whānui, he hoa rangatira kāore e wātea ana ki te taha kare ā-roto, he hoa mahi rānei. E ai ki tā Jessica Simpson, ka tīmata te hononga kare ā-roto hei hoahoa i waho o te whanaungatanga, i te marena rānei. Engari, ka tipu hei hononga hohonu ake e uru ana ki ngā kōrero roa me te piripono kare ā-roto. Tērā pea ka arahi ki te hononga tinana, kāore rānei.

Nā, he aha te take e tahuri ai te tangata ki te tinihanga kare ā-roto? Mā tēnei rangahau whakamere mō te take e tinihanga ai te tangata i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ka āwhina i a tātou ki te kimi whakautu. I huihuia he rōpū o te 495 tāngata (ko te nuinga he takatāpui) i whakaae ki te tinihanga i roto i ā rātou whanaungatanga. I pātai ngā kairangahau ki ngā kaiuru he aha rātou i tinihanga ai. I kitea ko te nuinga o rātou i pāngia e te momo here kare ā-roto ki tā rātou hoa moepuku. Engari koinei te wāhanga tino whakamere: he nui ake te kitea i roto i te hunga i kī mai i te kore arohia, i te kore aroha rānei i roto i tā rātou whanaungatanga tuatahi. Anei ngā kitenga matua o te rangahau:

• Tata ki te 62.8% o ngā kaiuru i whakaae i whakaatu i te aroha ki tā rātou hoa hou.
• He rite tonu te ōwehenga, 61.2%, i uru atu ki ngā kōrero whakaipoipo ki a rātou
• Tata ki te 37.6% o rātou i kōrero tahi mō ō rātou ake whakaaro, ā, 11.1% i kī i ngā kupu "Aroha ana ahau ki a koe"
• Te āhua nei mō te hunga i iti ake te hononga ki tā rātou hoa matua, i āwhina te moepuku i a rātou ki te kimi huarahi hei wheako i te whanaungatanga nui ake, me te whakatutuki i taua hiahia mō te hononga.
• Ko te mea whakamīharo, i te mea i puta te kore aroha i roto i te whanaungatanga tuatahi, i kitea e te hunga whai wāhi te wheako he pai ake te hinengaro me te kare ā-roto. Me te mea nei i rapua e rātou taua aroha me te hononga ngaro i tētahi atu wāhi, ā, i kitea i roto i te whanaungatanga.

6. Te tangata tinihanga he nui te hiahia moepuku (me te iti o te mana whakahaere)

I roto i tana pukapuka, Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World , e tuhituhi ana a Haruki Murakami, "He kaha pai te hiahia moepuku. Kāore e taea te tautohetohe mō tēnā. Kia mau tonu te hiahia moepuku ki roto, ka pōuri koe. Ka pakaru tō tinana katoa. He rite tonu mō ngā tāne me ngā wāhine." Nō reira, ehara i te mea kino te hiahia moepuku. Inaa, e kī ana tētahi rangahau ehara i te mea he hunga tinihanga katoa te hunga whai hiahia moepuku kaha.

Engari ko te hunga kāore e kaha ki te whakahaere i a rātou anō, he nui ake te tūponotanga ka tinihanga. Tērā pea kei roto i a rātou ngā tāngata tinihanga e whakamahi ana i ngā tikanga moepuku (ina koa mēnā he momo waranga moepuku tā rātou). Mā ngā whanonga BDSM o te hunga e whai wāhi ana ka akiaki pea i te tangata tinihanga e whakamahi ana i ngā tikanga moepuku kia uru ki te puremu.

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7. Te tangata tinihanga ipurangi

Ko te whai hononga ā-ipurangi tētahi o ngā momo huarahi tinihanga i roto i te whanaungatanga o ēnei rā. Ko ngā taumata tinihanga rerekē i tēnei ao mariko ko: te tuku karere whaiaro ki Instagram/Facebook, te tuku kōrero, te whakamahi i ngā taupānga whakaipoipo pēnei i a Tinder, me te tuku whakaahua tahanga ki ngā tāngata tauhou. Tērā pea ka huri ēnei taunekeneke ā-ipurangi, ēnei tinihanga pāpāho pāpori rānei hei tūtakitanga tūturu, kāore rānei.

I roto i tētahi rangahau i whakahaerehia me te 183 ngā pakeke i roto i ngā whanaungatanga, i kitea e ngā kairangahau neke atu i te 10% o ngā kaiuru kua whakatū hononga piripono ipurangi. Tata ki te 8% kua pā ki te moepuku ipurangi, ā, 6% kua tūtaki kanohi ki ō rātou hoa ipurangi. He mea tika kia mōhiotia neke atu i te haurua o ngā kaiuru i whakapono ko te whai wāhi ki tētahi whanaungatanga ipurangi he tinihanga, he kore pono rānei. I piki ake ngā tau ki te 71% ina tae mai ki te moepuku ipurangi, ā, he nui rawa te 82% mō ngā hui kanohi ki te kanohi.

Nā, kua mārama kē ko ngā mahi tinihanga ipurangi tētahi o ngā momo tinihanga rerekē, me whakautu tātou i te pātai – he aha te momo tangata e tinihanga ana i tēnei ara, ā, he aha ai? Āe, he maha ngā take:

• Ko ētahi tāngata he iti te whakaaro ki a rātou anō, ka rapu pea i te whakamana me te aro mā roto i ēnei taunekeneke ipurangi. Tērā pea ka rongo rātou i te whakaū me te hiranga ina whakaatu mai tetahi i te hiahia ki a rātou (he māmā ake te whiwhi whakamana ipurangi).
• Ko ētahi pea ka tinihanga nā te hoha, ka hiahia ki tētahi whakahihiri kāore i roto i tā rātou whanaungatanga o nāianei. Ā, e mōhio ana tātou, kī tonu te ao ipurangi i te whakamatautauranga.
• Tērā pea he āhua rapu aro, e pai ai rātou ki te hihiri o te whiwhi aro me ngā urupare ipurangi mai i ētahi atu.
• He māia rātou, he raruraru hauora rānei, he uaua rānei ki a rātou te hono atu ki ngā tāngata i te ao tūturu. Mā te ipurangi ēnei arai e whakakore.

I roto i tana kauhau TED whakaohooho whakaaro ko 'Rethinking Infidelity … he kauhau mā te hunga kua aroha,' e kī ana a Esther Perel, "Kei te ngākau o tētahi hononga aroha he hiahia nui me te hiahia mō te hononga kare ā-roto , te mea hou, te herekore, te mana motuhake, te kaha o te moepuku, te hiahia ki te whakahoki mai i ngā wāhanga ngaro o tātou me te ngana ki te whakahoki mai i te ora i te aroaro o te mate me te aituā."

Ahakoa te momo tangata tinihanga, te take rānei o ā rātou mahi, ko te hara o te tinihanga i te hoa me te mamae o te tinihanga ka pā he kino nui ki te hauora hinengaro o te tangata. Ko te whakaora i ēnei patunga me te hanga anō i te whakawhirinaki ka taea te whakarerekē i te ao. Engari i ētahi wā, me āwhina pea tēnei haerenga e ngā tohunga. Koinei te wāhi ka taea e ā mātou kaitohutohu aroha me te raihana mai i te rōpū tohunga o Bonobology te whakarato tautoko nui ki a koe. Pāwhiri ki konei hei whakapā atu ki a rātou i tō ara ki te whakaora me te tipu!

Kua whakahoutia tēnei tuhinga i te marama o Hune, 2023.

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Ehara tō takoha i te koha aroha . Mā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe tonu mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.

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