11 Ngā Tohu Kāore tō Hoa i te Tika mōu

He hoa rangatira, he hoa aroha, he hoa rangatira, he hoa rangatira – he kupu rerekē hei whakaahua i taua tangata motuhake e tino hira ana ki a koe. Engari i tētahi rā, ka kite koe kei te ngaro tetahi mea i roto i tō whanaungatanga. Kāore i roa, ka karapotia koe e ngā tohu whakamataku kāore tō hoa i te tika māu. Heoi anō, ehara i te mea kore noa iho te kīanga matapo o te aroha.

Ka kite ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e aroha ana i te ao mā roto i ngā mōhiti kanapa. Nā te ataahua o tā rātou hoa, kāore rātou e kite i ngā tohu kino e puta ake ana i muri mai. Ka pakū te mirumiru o te aroha ina meinga koe e tō hoa kia whakaaro kāore koe i te pai. Ka meinga rānei e rātou kia rite ki te mahi pai māu mā te noho tahi me koe. Me te mea kei roto koe i tētahi hononga kua akiakihia.

Kei te whakakahore tonu pea koe. Kei te ngana koe ki te akiaki i te whanaungatanga kia mau tonu nā te mea e aroha ana koe ki tō hoa. Engari kei te wareware koe ko te hototahi te mea nui ake i te aroha. Hei āwhina i a koe ki te mārama ki ngā tohu kāore koe e hototahi ki tētahi, kua tono mātou i te kaiako whanaungatanga me te piripono. Shivanya Yogmayaa (kua whai tiwhikete ā-ao mō ngā momo rongoā o te EFT, NLP, CBT, me te REBT), he tohunga ki ngā momo momo tohutohu mō ngā tokorua.

11 Ngā Tohu Kāore tō Hoa i te Tika mōu

Kāore i te ngāwari te kimi i te hoa rangatira e tika ana māu, pērā i te whakaaturanga i roto i ngā kiriata, i ngā ahurea rongonui rānei. Wareware ki te aroha i te kitenga tuatahi. Ahakoa ngā kōrero mutunga kore me ngā kōrero whakakatakata, ka taea tonu e koe te tinihanga kia taka ki te tangata hē, ā, ka mau pea koe i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga pouri. Āe, kāore i te pēnei i ēnei rā, ina kei a koe tēnei tohunga whanaungatanga hei tautoko i a koe.

Ehara i te mea he kōwhiringa kino te wawahi i tētahi whanaungatanga. Kāore hoki e kī tonu i te mamae me te pōuri. Ko te tikanga, mā te tawhiti atu i tētahi tangata i pai ai koe ka noho kore noa iho koe. Engari he taahiraa pai anō hoki tēnei ki tō harikoa me tō rangimārie hinengaro. Ki te mea kei te huri haere tonu ō whakaaro "He nui te hiranga o taku hoa ki ahau, engari kāore e taea e au te wareware i ō māua rerekētanga" me "E aroha ana ahau ki taku hoa tāne, engari kāore au i te harikoa i ēnei rā," he tohu pea ēnei. kāore tō hoa i te tika mōu. Tirohia nga mea e whai ake nei:

1. Kāore tonu ō hiahia e tutuki

Ina kore tonu ō hiahia e tutukihia e tō hoa, ko tētahi o ngā tohu o te akiaki i tētahi whanaungatanga. Me kī atu i hiahia koe ki te tiki kai reka i muri i te tina, ā, kua neke atu i te marama koe e hiahia ana ki taua tōnati. E mōhio ana tō hoa ki tēnei engari kei te pukumahi ia ki te waea pūkoro me te kore e aro ki ō tono kia haere tahi tāua ki Dunkin Donuts e tata ana. Ina kore tō hoa e aro ki ō hiahia, he mārama ehara tēnei i te whanaungatanga tika māu.

Kia mārama, ahakoa kāore rātou i hoko mai i tētahi kai reka māu, ehara i te mea me wehe kōrua. Engari ko te mea i wareware tonu rātou ki ō hiahia he mea whaiaro, he mea kore whakaaro hoki. Me te mea nei kāore rātou e aro ki a koe. He mea kotahi tēnei. Ki te kore rātou e tutuki i ō hiahia kē atu, me te mea he... kore hononga aronganui. Tērā pea kei te whakakorea e rātou tō whanaungatanga hauora. Ina kore tetahi e pai ki te mahi i ngā mea māu, he mārama kāore koe i te nui te hiranga ki a rātou. 

2. He tangata whakahihi tō hoa

Ko au, ko au, ko au anō – koinei te tīmatanga me te mutunga o te nuinga o ngā kōrero a tō hoa. Ko tētahi o ngā tohu tōmua e kore ai e roa te whanaungatanga ko tō ngaro atu i te pikitia. Ahakoa he pou kaha koe mō te whanaungatanga e tautoko ana i a ia me tō aroaro katoa, kāore e mohiotia. Ko tō hoa te mea matua, ko ōna whakaaro, whakapono, whakaaro, me tōna oranga anake e tika ana kia whakaarohia.

Kāore rawa e taea e ngā hoa whaiaro te tuku i a rātou anō kia wātea ki a koe. Ka pāngia te whanaungatanga motuhake o te tokorua e ngā whanaungatanga kare ā-roto, ā, i te wā roa ka waiho pea koe e te mamae o te kare ā-roto. E ai ki a Shivanya, "Ko tētahi o ngā tohu tino nui kāore tō hoa i te tika māu ko te āhua whakapehapeha. Ko ngā whanaungatanga ki ngā hoa whakapehapeha kei te tata ki te kino. Ka taea e ēnei whanaungatanga te hanga i te whanaungatanga aroha poto noa iho, kāore e pumau."

Ko te nuinga o te hunga e aroha ana, kāore e kite i te whakapehapeha o tā rātou hoa, tae noa ki te mutunga rawa. Ki te kore koe e mōhio me pēhea te mōhio mēnā he whakapehapeha tō hoa, anei ētahi tohu whakatūpato mō tētahi hoa rangatira whakahihi/hoa:

• Ka whakakāhia koe e rātou, ka whakahaeretia hoki koe
• Ka meinga koe e rātou kia whakaaro kāore koe i te pai mō rātou
• He herenga tō rāua aroha
• Ka whakawakia koe e rātou mō tō rātou harikoa me tō rātou pōuri
• Ka meinga koe e rātou kia inoi mō tō rātou aroha me tō rātou aro
• Kei te rapu tonu rātou i ngā whakamārama ina wareware rātou ki te whakanui i ō wikitoria me ō whakatutukitanga.
• He pakanga tonu kei roto i te whanaungatanga
• Kāore koe e noho haumaru ana i a rātou
• Ka puta te tukino kare ā-roto, pērā i te aukati i te tangata me te whakama

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3. Te whanaungatanga whakawhirinaki tahi

Ko te whakaaro whānui kei te ngaro tetahi mea i roto i tō whanaungatanga tētahi o ngā tohu tōmua kāore e roa te whanaungatanga. Ehara tō hoa i te kōwhiringa tika māu mēnā he nui rawa tō rātou whakawhirinaki ki a koe. Ko ngā hoa tono nui – ahakoa he kare ā-roto, he pūtea, he pāpori, he tinana rānei – ka puta he whanaungatanga kino. Me pēhea te mōhio mēnā ehara tō hoa i te hoa tika? Te whakawhirinakitanga i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ka taea te titiro pēnei.

Ki te mea kei te hiahia tō hoa wahine kia huri koe hei Mr./Miss Fix-It, he rerekē rāua. Me whakataurite te taumaha o ngā kawenga. Te tiki i ngā tamariki i te kura. Te whakatika i ngā taonga i te kāinga. Te whakahaere i ngā mahi. Te haere pinepine ki te hoko kai. Kaua ēnei mea katoa e waiho māu anake. Ki te mea ko koe te tangata e pikau ana i ngā mea katoa, he tohu tēnei kāore kōrua i te tika mō tētahi ki tētahi.

E whakamārama ana a Shivanya, "Ko ngā whanaungatanga harikoa he mea e pā ana ki te ōritetanga. Ko ngā kawenga tiritiri me te māramatanga tahi te pūtake o te whanaungatanga taurite. Ko ngā tūranga ōrite ka mahia e ngā tāngata tokorua – koinei te mea me whai e koe i a koe e rapu ana i tētahi hoa."

4. Kua whakaroahia tō tipu

Ko te kaupapa o te noho tahi me tētahi ko te tipu i roto i te ao. Ka taea te tipu i roto i ngā momo katoa tae atu ki:

• Te wairua
• Arohiko 
• whaiaro 
• Hangarau
• pūtea

Ki te whakaaro koe kua herea tō tipu ake nā te mea kei te pukumahi koe ki te tautoko i tō hoa aroha, ko te tikanga kotahi anake te tangata e whai hua ana i tēnei whanaungatanga. He ara e rua ngā whanaungatanga. Me tipu takitahi, me tipu hoki ngā tāngata e rua hei tokorua. Whakapaua he wā ki tō hoa, kia mōhio ai rātou ki ō kare ā-roto. Kōrero ki ō hoa me tō whānau, ki tētahi kaiwhakaora whānau rānei, me te tono atu mō ō rātou whakaaro mō te whakahaere i tēnei kōrero ki a rātou. 

5. Kāore koe i te harikoa ki a rātou

"He tino pai taku whanaungatanga engari kāore au i te harikoa!" – kaua e whakaaro he kōrero noa iho tēnei a te tangata hoha. Koinei tētahi o ngā tohu mārama kāore koe e hototahi ki tētahi. Ka uru te hoha ki roto i ngā whanaungatanga, ka mutu ngā kōrero, ka memeha haere te harikoa – he tohu tōmua katoa ēnei kāore e roa te whanaungatanga. Kei te ngaro tetahi mea i roto i tō whanaungatanga e puta ai tēnei pouri i roto i tō ao.

Ko te whanaungatanga he mea e pā ana ki te harikoa me te ngākau māhaki i roto i te aroha. Ae, kāore e taea e tetahi te tino harikoa mō te aroha me te aroha i ngā wā katoa. Engari kaua rawa te mura e memeha. Ki te kore e taea e koe te pupuri i te aroha me te tamaiti i roto i a koe, i a rātou e noho tahi ana, he tohu kino tēnā mō tō whanaungatanga. Nga take whakawhitiwhiti korero Ko te puta ake i ngā wā katoa ko tētahi o ngā tohu nui kāore kōrua i te tika mō tetahi ki tetahi. E ai ki tētahi rangahau I whakahaerehia ki runga i te 886 ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e mate ana, ko te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero tētahi o ngā take i uru ai ki te tono whakarere, arā, 53% o ngā pōti.

Ko ētahi atu tohu kāore koe i te harikoa ki tō hoa aroha ahakoa kei roto koe i te whanaungatanga pai ko:

• He nui rawa tō whakahē i ngā mahi katoa a tō hoa, ā, kei te waiho tēnei hei arai i waenganui i a kōrua
• Kua noho koe hei tangata whaiaro, ā, kāore koe e aro ki ngā kare ā-roto o ētahi atu
• Kua kore e mau tonu tō kōrua hononga roa, ā, kāore tetahi o kōrua e mahi ana i tetahi mea hei whakaora i te aroha me te harikoa.
• Kei te whakaaro koe he nui ake tō harikoa me tētahi atu
• He rerekē āu whāinga
• Ka kite pea ō hoa me tō whānau i tō pōuri i roto i tēnei whanaungatanga

Me waiho te noho tahi me tō hoa hei mahi whakangahau, hei mahi whakanui hoki. Ahakoa he haere ki te whakatau, he noho tahi, he mātakitaki i ngā whakaaturanga, he mahi takaro noa rānei. Ki te kore kōrua e pai ki te noho tahi me te kounga o te wā, ehara tō hoa i te tangata tika mā kōrua hei hoa mō tō oranga katoa.

6. Ka riro te aroha i te hiahia

Ko ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e huihui ana mō te hiahia noa iho ka ngāwari te whakangaro i tā rāua hononga. E ai ki a Shivanya, "Ko te apo mō te mana me te moni te pūtake o ngā hononga maha. Tērā pea ko ō rāua hiahia moepuku te mea e akiakihia ana tō hoa. Ahakoa pēhea, me tūpato koe ki tō whanaungatanga ki a rāua."

E mōhio ana koe kāore te tangata e tika ana māu mēnā ko ōna hiahia whaiaro te pūtake o te whanaungatanga. Mēnā ko te whanaungatanga ā-tinana te pūtake katoa me te pūtake kotahi o tō whanaungatanga, he tohu tōmua tēnei e kore ai e roa te whanaungatanga. E whakaaro ana koe he moepuku anake te mea nui, ā, kāore he momo whanaungatanga kē atu. E pātai ana koe ki tō whakaaro nui ki a koe anō, ā, e pouri ana koe mō te noho tahi me tētahi e whakamahi ana i a koe mō te moepuku, me te rerekē. Ki te kore he huarahi kē atu hei pupuri i te harikoa o tō hoa engari ko te whakatutuki i ōna hiahia moepuku, ka pakaru, ka mura tō whanaungatanga o nāianei i te wā e tata mai ana.

I whakahaerehia e te Whare Pukapuka Hauora ā-Motu tētahi ako i runga i te 189 ngā ākonga wahine me te 119 ngā ākonga tāne o te whare wānanga kia mārama ai ki te hononga i waenga i te whanaungatanga hoa-me-ngā-painga me te hononga pāpori me te hinengaro. I kitea ko te 50% o ngā kaiuru i pōhēhē i te tinihangatia e tō rātou hoa, ā, i pāngia e te mokemoke me te mamae hinengaro nā te whanaungatanga i arahina e te taatai ​​​​kotahi, kāore he aroha, he here rānei.

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7. Kāore koe e whakawhirinaki ki tō hoa

Ko te whakawhirinaki, te whakapono, te pono, me te māramatanga ngā wira e ārahi ana i ngā whanaungatanga katoa. Ko Maya, he kaihoahoa pūmanawa 26-tau te pakeke, e kōrero mai ana ki a mātou, "E aroha ana ahau ki taku hoa tāne. He tino pai taku whanaungatanga engari kāore au i te harikoa. He tino uaua ki te whakapuaki ki a ia mō aku āhuatanga. He tino pānga ki tō māua whanaungatanga piripono. Kāore au i te tino whakamarie i a ia nā tēnei, ā, he uaua ki te whakawhirinaki ki a ia me ōku kare ā-roto."

Anei ētahi tohutohu hei āwhina i a koe ki te mōhio mēnā ehara tō hoa i te tangata tika māu:

• Kei te mau tonu te whakaaro rerekē kei te huna e tō hoa tetahi mea i a koe
• He maha ā rātou kōrero teka ki a koe, koinei te take o ō raruraru whakawhirinaki.
• Kāore noa koe i te mōhio me pēhea te whakawhirinaki anō ki tētahi i muri i tana whara i a koe
• He tino huna tō hoa i tana waea pūkoro, kei tūpono koe ki tētahi mea.
• Ka teka rātou ki a koe mō ā rātou haerenga me ngā hoa
• Kāore koe i te pai ki ō rātou whakaaro
• Kua whakapaetia anō hoki e ō hoa me tō whānau kāore tō hoa i te tino pono ki a koe.

Koinei pea ētahi o ngā tohu āwangawanga kāore koe i te taha o te tangata tika. E kī ana a Shivanya, "He maha ngā whanaungatanga o ēnei rā e whakakorehia ana nā te kore pono, te kore māramatanga rānei. Me whakaaro koe ki te taumata o te whakawhirinaki me te māramatanga i roto i tō whanaungatanga, me te tirotiro mēnā kei te whakauru mai tō hoa i a koe ki roto i ō rātou momo noho."

rangahau whakahaeretia e te Nga mahi a te National Academy of Sciences e whakaatu ana i te hiranga o te whakawhirinaki mō ngā whanaungatanga aroha katoa. E whakaatu ana te rangahau he tino uaua ki te whakaora i te pakaru o te whakawhirinaki. Heoi anō, ko ngā whanaungatanga kāore he whakapono, he whakawhirinakitanga hoki, ka hinga.

8. Ehara kōrua i te hoa pai

Mā te kite i ngā tohu tōmua e kore e roa te whanaungatanga ka pōhēhē koe. Ki te kore tō hoa e tino hiahia ki te noho tahi me koe, kāore he hononga piripono. Ka taea e koe te matapae i te korenga o te whanaungatanga ina kore he whanaungatanga i waenganui i a kōrua. Ina noho hoa ngā tāngata e rua i roto i ngā whanaungatanga hauora i mua i te noho hei hoa aroha, ka nui te pānga ki te hauora o te whanaungatanga i te heke mai.

Ae, he pai te hononga, te ngākau nui, me te taatai ​​pai hei pupuri i te hihiri. Engari ka whiriwhiri te tangata ki te noho i roto i te whanaungatanga nā te mea e hiahia ana rātou ki tētahi hei hiki ake i a rātou ina hinga. Heoi anō, ko te mea nui, i te wā roa, ko te te hototahitanga o te whanaungatanga e tohaina ana e koe ki tō hoaMe noho tahi koe me rātou i roto i te whanaungatanga pai. Kaua rawa koe e whakaaro ka whakahengia koe mō te whakapuaki i ōu ngākau, ā, me meinga hoki rātou kia whakaaro he ngoikore rātou ki a koe.

E tohu ana a Shivanya i tēnei hei wāhanga matua mō te whanaungatanga pumau, "Kua kite ahau kāore ngā whanaungatanga pumau i ora nā te mea he iti ake ngā pakanga. I mau tonu nā te mea he hoahoa kei waenganui i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, ā, he rite tonu rātou ki tētahi tīma ahakoa ngā āhuatanga katoa. Ki te kite koe i tētahi hoa i roto i a koe, tera pea ka roa ake te roa o tō kōrua whanaungatanga."

Ka rite ki te pepa rangahau i roto i te Tuhinga o Te Ataahua e kī ana, he nui ake te harikoa me te makona o ngā whanaungatanga ina he hoa pai ngā hoa. Hei tā te rangahau, "... he rua te nui o ngā pānga oranga o te marena mō te hunga he hoa pai hoki tā rātou hoa rangatira."

9. Kāore tō hoa e whakaute ana ki a koe

Ki te kore tō hoa e whakaute i a koe, kāti kāore he pātai mō te noho tahi me ia. Ko te whakaute me te maioha ngā pou e rua o te whanaungatanga. Ko te kore o ēnei ka waiho hei wāhi whakatupu raruraru. Ina meinga koe e tō hoa kia whakaaro kāore koe i te pai, kia kore rānei koe e whakaute i a koe, e mōhio ana koe kua tae te wā ki te whakarērea i a rātou.

Āhea te wā whakamutunga i tono ai tō hoa ki a koe kia whai whakaaro ki ngā whakataunga nui? I whakanuia rānei ō mahi, ā, i whakaatu i te whakawhetai? Kāore rawa? He tohu tēnei kāore tō hoa i te tika mōu. Ko te kore aro ki ō mahi, te kore whakamana i ō whakaaro, me ngā kōrero kino, whakaiti rānei mōu – ko ētahi o ēnei ngā haki whero i roto i te whanaungatanga.

E kī ana a Shivanya, "He maha tonu ngā wā e whawhai ana ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, engari ehara i te mea ka kōrero kino rātou ki a koe. Ki te kore tō hoa e whakaute i a koe, ā, e whakahawea ana ki a koe, koinei ngā tohu tōmua e kore ai e roa te whanaungatanga. Ki te kore te whakaute e whakaaetia, kāore he hototahitanga i waenganui i ngā hoa."

10. He tangata hiahia nui tō hoa ki te whakahaere

E tohu ana a Shivanya i ētahi atu āhuatanga rite o te tangata hei take e whai wāhi ana ki tētahi whanaungatanga kore pumau, "Ka taea e te hae, te pupuri, me te whanonga tino kaha rawa me te whakahaere te whakapōrearea i tō whanaungatanga." Mena ka kite koe i ētahi tohu he tangata tō hoa whakahaere freak, kāti he whakatau hē. He mahanga ngā huarahi whakahaere me ngā huarahi aukati i roto i ngā whanaungatanga. Ehara i te mea he kino noa iho te hoa rangatira ki tō tipu ake hei tangata takitahi, engari he mea hoki e ārahi ana ki tētahi whanaungatanga tūroa. He rerekē ngā huarahi e whakaatu ai te tangata i te aroha. Engari kaua rawa tētahi o ngā huarahi e meinga ai koe kia rite ki tō hoa rangatira tōu.

Ko te whai wāhi mai i a rātou i roto i ngā mea katoa e mahia ana e koe, te whakahaere i ō whakatau, me te kore e tuku i te wāhi whaiaro ki a koe kia manawa mai, koinei ētahi o ngā mea hei tūpato māu. Kei te whakamanahia e rātou ō rātou whakaaro mō ō kākahu e whiriwhiria ana e koe? Me rapu whakaaetanga koe i mua i te haerenga atu me ō hoa? Kei te wehe atu rātou i tō whānau i a koe? Ko ngā āhuatanga penei i ēnei he tohu i ngā whanaungatanga kino ka taea te aukati i a koe, ka tango atu hoki i tō herekoretanga.

11. Kāore rātou e tautoko i a koe

Ko te hoa pai rawa atu ko te tangata e tāpiri uara ana ki te whanaungatanga, e whakaputa ana i te pai o roto i a koe. Ko te mea whakamutunga e hiahia ana koe kia mahia e tō hoa ko te ruarua i a koe me te whakaheke i tō wairua. Ka taea e ngā kupu whakahē te mahi kino atu i te mea e taea e te tangata te whakaaro. Ki te kore tō hoa e whakapono ki a koe me ō moemoeā, he tohu tēnā kāore tō hoa i te ranea mōu. Kāore rātou e tika ana mōu, ā, kāore rātou e tika ana mō tō aroha.

Ko te whakatenatena tetahi i tetahi kia noho ko koe te putanga pai rawa atu o a koe anō te kaupapa o tētahi whanaungatanga tautoko. Tautoko i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga he mea taketake, ahakoa he kare ā-roto, he pāpori, he pūtea, he wairua rānei. He rite tonu ki te tipu. Me tautoko koe e tō hoa i a koe e anga whakamua ana ki te whakatutuki i ō moemoeā. Kāore rātou e hiahia ki te neke i te rangi me te whenua mōu. He torutoru noa ngā kupu whakahihiri me te whakatenatena kua nui hei meinga koe kia rite ki te taea e koe te wikitoria i te ao. Ko ēnei mea iti tonu te mea nui.

Ka tāpiri atu a Shivanya, "Kaua ngā whanaungatanga e whai tikanga. Ki te mea ko te whakatutuki i ā rāua kawenga me ā rāua mahi anake te mea e aro nui ana tō hoa, ka hoha tō kōrua whanaungatanga, ka waiho hei mahi noa iho. Ka whanonga rāua i tētahi ara motuhake nā te mea he mea tika kia pērā rāua."

Nā konei, kua tae tātou ki te mutunga o tā tātou kōrero mō ngā tohu kāore koe i te hoa tika. E tino whakapono ana mātou ka āwhina ēnei kōrero i tukuna mai e tā mātou tohunga i a koe e tīmata ana i tāu haerenga ki te rapu hoa. Kia mataara tonu ō kanohi ki te hopu i ēnei tohu, whakarongo ki tō ngākau (me tō kare ā-roto), ka ruku. Kei te tatari te aroha me te nui mōu!

Kua whakahoutia tēnei tuhinga i te marama o Poutū-te-rangi 2023.

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