He nui ngā kōrero kua kōrerotia, kua tuhia hoki mō te aroha, engari kāore i te maha ngā wā ka mōhio tātou me pēhea te whakakore i te aroha ki tētahi. Ka tino pōhēhē te mārama ki te wā tika hei whakarērea te whanaungatanga. He raruraru kei ngā tāne me ngā wāhine katoa, engari me pēhea te mōhio mēnā he take tēnei mō te whakarērea o tō hoa rangatira e aua raruraru?
Ehara i te mea ngāwari te whakarērea i tētahi tangata e tino hira ana ki a koe. Mā te aroha ka taea e koe te matapo i a koe ki ngā tohu kino, ā, tera pea kei te whakakahore koe i te kino o tō whanaungatanga i te pai. Koia te take e kore ai e hiahiatia e koe te wehe atu i tētahi e arohaina ana e koe, engari he mea e tino hiahiatia ana e koe.
I te mea ka huri te paitini o tō whanaungatanga hei "mea noa" kua taunga kē koe, nā te mea kāore he pukapuka ture tūturu e tohu ana i ngā mea e ora ai te whanaungatanga, me ngā mea kāore, ka uaua ki te whakatau āhea te wā e wehe atu ai i te whanaungatanga. Koia mātou i konei hei āwhina. Me titiro tātou ki ngā tohu kua tae ki te wā ki te wehe atu i te whanaungatanga, me pēhea e taea ai e koe te mahi i tēnā, me te take he pai ki te mahi i tēnā.
He pai te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga?
Ripanga o Ihirangi
"He nui te wā kua pau i ahau ki tēnei whanaungatanga ki a Jenine. Ā, kāore e taea e au te whara i a ia pērā, ahakoa he kino tonu te āhua o tēnei whanaungatanga ki ahau." Ko ngā mea kua pānuihia e koe he take kino e rua i hoatu e Mark ki ana hoa mō te whiriwhiri ki te noho tonu i roto i tana whanaungatanga. Heoi, he waimarie, i kite ia he mea nui te wehe atu i tētahi kāore e aro nui ana ki a koe mō tō ake oranga hinengaro.
Ahakoa te āhua uaua, ā, tērā pea ka whakaaro koe he pai ake te pupuri tonu i te tumanako ka pai ake ngā mea i tētahi rā, he pai rawa te wehe atu i tētahi tāne e arohaina ana e koe, i tētahi wahine rānei. Kia roa nei tō noho tahi, tērā pea ka whakaaro koe ka tutuki i a koe te hiahia nā te wā i whakapaua e koe me ngā kupu whakaari katoa i oati ai koe.
Ko etahi e whakapono ana ko te te whanau paitini ka pai ake ā-makutu rānei tētahi rā, ka "tika" rānei rātou kia noho i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga kino. Koinei te take e whakaaro tonu ai te tangata, "Kua tae ki te wā hei wehe atu?", engari kāore rawa e mahi i tetahi mea.
He tino pai te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga mēnā kei te whakaaro koe koinei te mea pai rawa atu māu. Kāore koe e tika ana kia noho pōuri koe i roto i te oranga, nā te mea i aroha koe i mua. Ki te whakaaro koe he mea pai ki a koe te wehe atu, haere atu. Ahakoa kei te wehe atu koe i tētahi whanaungatanga i hiahia koe ki te whakaoti, he pai tonu mēnā e whakapono ana koe ki ngā take i whakamutua ai e koe. Tērā pea i kino te whanaungatanga ki tō mahi, ki tō hauora hinengaro rānei, kāore rānei i te pai te hononga.
Heoi, ko te wāhanga uaua ko te ngana ki te whakatau āhea te wā tika hei wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga. Āhea koe ka taea ai te kī pono he mea pai te wehe atu i a koe? He paitini te whanaungatanga, he nui rawa rānei te rahi o ngā mea? Engari i te ngana ki te whakaaro me pēhea te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga i a koe e aroha tonu ana ki a rātou, me rapu huarahi koe ki te whakatika i ngā hapa o tō whanaungatanga?
I te mea ehara te pātai, "Āhea te wā hei whakarērea i tētahi whanaungatanga?" i te mea ngāwari ki te whakautu, me āwhina koe ki tēnā. Nā te mea, kāore koe e hiahia ki te whakahē i tāu whakatau ki te whakamutu i ngā mea, ki te moemoeā mō ngā mea katoa, arā, "mehemea rānei," i roto i te tekau tau e haere ake nei.
11 Ngā Tohu Hei Mōhio Āhea Me Wehe Atu I Te Hononga
Hei tangata, ka ātete tātou ki te huringa nā te mea ka whakamā tātou i te koretake. Koinei te take e noho tonu ai tātou i roto i ngā whanaungatanga ahakoa kua pāngia tātou e te koretake. kua ngaro te aroha nā te mea kāore tātou e hiahia ki te aro atu ki te pouri e puta mai ana i te mahi tuku. Ki te kore rānei, ka pohehe tātou i te aroha he mea mamae, ā, ahakoa he mamae te whanaungatanga, kāore tātou e mutu i runga i te ingoa o te aroha.
Nō reira, he mea nui te wehewehe i te aroha me te mea ehara. Whakapono mai, ahakoa kāore, he rite tonu te whakaora i te wehenga atu i tētahi whanaungatanga ki te whakamutu i tētahi whanonga kino pēnei i te momi hikareti. Nō reira, anei ētahi tohu mārama hei āwhina i a koe ki te mōhio āhea me wehe atu.
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1. Te haere atu i tētahi e arohaina ana e koe, he tangata tukino ia
Te tinana, te hinengaro, te moepuku, te kōrero, te/ranei tukino aronganui He tohu katoa ēnei me noho tawhiti atu koe i tētahi. Ki te kore koe e atawhaitia paitia, ka raru pea tō whanaungatanga ki a koe anō i ngā huarahi maha. E kore pea koe e ngaro noa i tō whakaaro ki a koe anō, engari ka kino anō hoki tō hauora hinengaro.
Ki te kore he whakaute i roto i tō kōrua whanaungatanga, ā, kāore kōrua e whakamanawanui tetahi ki tetahi, he tohu mārama tēnei kāore i te pai tō kōrua hononga. Ā, whakapono mai ki a mātou, ko te mana o te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga he mea pēnei i te mea i te wā tonu ka matara atu koe i a ia, ka kite koe i te kino i pā ki a koe mō te roanga o tō kōrua whanaungatanga.
2. Āhea te wā tika hei wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga? Ina pōuri koe
Ki te mea he taumaha te whakaaro o te whakapau kaha ki a koe, ā, e pēhia ana koe e te hoa rangatira rawa, he pai ake te wehe atu i a ia. He mea maori te hae me te pupuri i a koe anō, engari ki te ngana tō hoa ki te whakahaere i ngā āhuatanga katoa o tō koiora, he tino kino rawa atu.
Ki te mea ka pātai tonu rātou mō ō kupuhipa, ā, ka hae tonu ina noho tahi koe me ētahi atu tāngata ehara i a rātou, kei roto koe i tētahi whanaungatanga rangatira. Ko tētahi o ngā tohu mārama kua tae ki te wā kia wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga.
3. Āhea te wā tika hei whakarērea i tētahi whanaungatanga? Rapua te tohu o te hauhautanga
Ko te Gaslighting he momo tukino kare ā-roto e meinga ai koe e te tangata kia pātai i tō ake ao tūturu. Ki te tinihangatia koe e tō hoa kia whakapono koe he nui rawa tō aro, he nui rawa rānei tō tauhohenga i ia wā e ngana ana koe ki te whakaatu i ō kare ā-roto pono ki a rātou, kei te Gaslighting koe e rātou. He maha ngā pānga o te Gaslighting ki a koe, mai i te manukanuka ki te kore e taea te whakawhirinaki ki a koe anō. Ka arahi tēnei ki ngā raruraru whakawhirinaki ehara i te mea ki tō hoa anake engari ki a koe anō hoki.
I a ia e kōrero ana mō te kaupapa, ka tohutohu te tohunga hinengaro me te kaiwhakaora hinengaro i a ia e kōrero ana Neha Anand i kōrero ki a Bonobology, "Kāore te iwi e aro nui ki ngā hua o tēnei momo mahi tinihanga. He roa te pānga o te whakamahi i te hauhautanga i roto i ngā whanaungatanga. Kāore tetahi e mōhio me pēhea te whakatau i ēnei take – He aha te mea ka taea te mahi ki ngā taumahatanga kare ā-roto? Me pēhea koe e ora ai i tētahi whanaungatanga kino? Nā te mea kāore i huri noa i ō tirohanga mō te whakaipoipo, te whanaungatanga, me ētahi atu, kua huri (kino) tō whakaaro ki a koe anō."
Ahakoa kāore pea i te rite te kino ki tōna āhua, ngā kīanga whakakā hau pērā i te, "Kati te nui rawa o te tauhohe! He porangi noa iho koe", ka mutu pea ka pātai koe ki tō ake tukanga whakaaro. Mena kei te pāngia koe e tēnei āhuatanga kare ā-roto kino i roto i tōu ake nekehanga, he tohu mārama tēnei me wehe atu koe i tētahi tāne, i tētahi wahine rānei e arohaina ana e koe.
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4. He maha ngā wā ka ngaro koe, ka ngoikore hoki
A te whanau paitini Ka taea e tēnei te whakararu i a koe ki tō āhua taketake. Ki te mau tonu tō whakaaro kāore koe e mōhio ki a koe anō, he tohu nui tēnā. Ko te kaupapa o te aroha he whakaara ake i a koe, he huri i a koe kia pai ake ai tō āhua. Ki te whakaitihia tō mahi i roto i tō umanga e ngā pakanga tonu, ā, ka pōuri koe, ka pouri hoki, he tohu tēnā kāore tēnei whanaungatanga e āwhina ana i a koe kia tipu ake. Ka waiho te wehenga atu i tētahi whanaungatanga hei mea nui ina kore koe e whanake i roto i taua whanaungatanga.
5. Haere atu i tētahi e arohaina ana e koe, he tangata pukumahi, he tangata waranga hoki
He rerekē rawa te whakawhirinaki tahi ki te whakawhirinaki ki tō hoa mō tō harikoa. I roto i ngā whanaungatanga āwangawanga, kāore he ariā o te wāhi whaiaro, ā, ka piri tahi ngā hoa mō te harikoa. He maha ngā wā ka whakatauritea e ngā tohunga hinengaro te aroha ki te waranga tarukino nā te mea ka arahi ēnei mea e rua ki te harikoa me te tukunga o ngā homoni harikoa pērā i te oxytocin, te adrenaline, me te dopamine.
Mai te mea noa iho te whakaaro ki te noho tawhiti atu i tō hoa ka pāngia koe e te wehi o te whakarēreatanga e pā ana ki tētahi tangata whakamahi i te crack i te whakaaro ki te whakarērea i ngā raau taero, kei te hē koe i te ariā o te herenga mō te arohaAhakoa te āhua nei kei te wehe atu koe i tētahi whanaungatanga e hiahia ana koe ki te mahi, ka kitea tonutia ngā pakaru e puta mai ana i te piripono waranga i roto i te wā. I taua wā, ka pātai koe ki a koe anō me pēhea te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga kāore e ahu ki hea.
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6. Ko koe anake te tangata e ngana ana kia angitu
Ka taea anake te angitu o ngā whanaungatanga mēnā he mahi tahi a ngā taha e rua. Mēnā kotahi anake te hoa e whai whakaaro ana, e whakatakoto mahere ana, kei roto koe i tētahi raruraru. whanaungatanga taha-kotahi ka waiho koe e te ngenge me te pouri. Nō reira, ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe āhea te wā hei wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga, ko te wā tēnā e noho pōuri ana koe kāore i te whakaarohia, ā, kāore hoki i te whai mana ki tō hoa. Tērā pea kua waiho tēnei korenga o te mahi tahi hei take mamae mō tō kōrua whanaungatanga. Kua kōrero pea koe ki tō hoa, engari kāore āu tono i whakarongohia.
7. He nui ake ngā wā kino i ngā wā pai
Kāore pea koe e mōhio, engari tera pea kua tino pāngia koe e ngā piki me ngā heke o te whanaungatanga. Ki te mea kei te whawhai tonu kōrua engari kei te tatari tonu kōrua mō ngā wā pai onge, he tino hē tāu mahi ki a koe anō.
Kāore he whanaungatanga e pai katoa ana, engari me noho koe i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga e hari ai koe, i te nuinga o te wā. E ai ki ngā tohunga hinengaro, ko te hunga i whakatipuria e ngā mātua kāore i te wātea ki te hinengaro ka kukume huna i ngā hoa kāore i te wātea ki te hinengaro. Nō reira, he mea nui kia mōhio koe ki te mahi a te mamae o tō tamarikitanga i roto i tāu whiriwhiri hoa.
Ki te mea he nui rawa te whakaaroaro mōu, ngana ki te whakaaro mēnā he nui ake ō kōrua maharatanga harikoa me tō hoa, mēnā rānei kei te ahua whawhai tonu kōrua. Mēnā ko te mea whakamutunga tēnei, ā, te āhua nei kei te haere i runga i nga anga hua manu, me pātai pea koe ki a koe anō, "Kua tae te wā hei haere atu?"
8. Kāore ā rātou mahi e rite ki ā rātou kupu
E mea tonu ana rātou e aroha ana rātou ki a koe, engari kāore koe e kite i roto i ā rātou mahi. Kāore he pai o te whakaatu i te aroha ina rerekē ā rātou mahi. Tērā pea ka kite koe i a rātou e kī ana i te nui o tō rātou whakaute me tō rātou aroha ki a koe, engari kāore koe e kite i a rātou e whakahē ana i tētahi whai wāhitanga ki te whakahē i a koe me te mea kia pouri koe mōu anō.
Ki te mea kei te ngana tonu rātou ki te huri i a koe hei tangata kē, ā, kāore e aroha ki a koe mō tō āhua, kia mōhio koe he tohu tēnā me noho tawhiti atu koe i tētahi. Mā te mana o te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga ka mōhio koe e tika ana kia arohaina, kia whakautehia hoki koe mō tō āhua.
9. Āhea te wā hei wehe atu? Ina whakamahia e kōrua te taatai hei whakatika i ngā mea katoa
He mea nui te whanaungatanga ā-tinana i roto i ngā whanaungatanga katoa, engari ko te whakamahi i te whanaungatanga ā-tinana hei whakakapi mō te whanaungatanga kare ā-roto ehara i te tohu mō tētahi whanaungatanga hauora. Ki te mea kei te whakamahi koe i te hiahia hei utu mō te aroha, kua tae te wā me wehe atu koe i tō whanaungatanga.
Me kaha koe ki te kōrero ki tō hoa rangatira i runga i te whai hua. Ki te kore koe e kōrero whakamā mō ngā mea e whakararuraru ana i a koe, engari ka tahuri koe ki te moepuku werawera, hihiri hoki hei whakatau i ō pakanga, he hē katoa tāu mahi. Ahakoa te āhua nei kei te ngana koe ki te whakaaro me pēhea te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga i a koe e aroha tonu ana ki a rātou, tera pea kua he tō whakaaro ki te hononga moepuku mō te aroha. Ki te hiahia tonu koe ki te whakamātau, kati pea te whakatau i ō tautohetohe katoa i roto i te rūma moe.
10. Kāore e taea e koe te noho ngoikore ki a rātou
Me whakaatu e koe ō ngoikoretanga me tō tuakiri pono ki tō hoa. Me noho tō hoa hei puna tautoko pakari hei whakawhirinaki atu māu i ō rā tino kino, me te rite tonu. Ki te pātai koe ki a koe anō āhea me wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga, ko te wā tēnei e ahua kore e taea e koe te whakatata atu ki tō hoa, e kore hoki e pono ki a koe.
Ki te whakaari koe i a koe anō hei tangata kē i te taha o tō hoa, ā, kei te huna tonu koe i tō āhua tūturu, tera pea kei te taha koe i te tangata hē. Me kimi e koe me pēhea te tīmata ki te wehe atu i tētahi tangata kāore e aro nui ana ki a koe.
11. Te rerekētanga o ngā uara matua
Hei whakamutunga, engari ehara i te mea iti rawa, ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe he tino rerekē kōrua tangata, he tino rerekē ngā mea e hiahia ana koe i te ao, me mōhio koe he pai ake te wehe atu i te noho tonu i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga ka kore e tutuki. Te hototahi ki tō hoa He mea nui te tūpato ki a rātou hei hanga i tētahi hononga kaha ki a rātou ahakoa te āhua kāore i te pērā i te wā whakahihiri, kāore e taea te pupuri ringa tetahi i tetahi i te wā o te marena hou.
Ka taea te whakaae mō ngā mea iti engari me ōrite ngā mea nui pēnei i te huarahi ki te ao, ngā uara, me ngā whāinga. Ki te kore e taea e koe te whakaaro mō tētahi heke mai me rātou, ā, ki te whakaaro hoki ō hoa me tō whānau kāore rātou i te pai mōu, me whakaaro koe ki te wehe atu.
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Āhea te Waka atu i tētahi Pātaitai Whakawhanaungatanga
Mena kei te pōhēhē tonu koe mō te pātai, "Āhea te wā hei whakarērea i tētahi whanaungatanga?", me pātai pea koe ki a koe anō i ētahi pātai, ā, me whakautu pono atu. Tirohia ngā pātai e whai ake nei kua whakarārangihia e mātou māu, ā, tērā pea ka mārama ake ngā mea:
- Kei te mōrearea tō hauora tinana, tō hauora hinengaro rānei i tō whanaungatanga?
- Kei te tinihanga tō hoa i a koe?
- He nui ake ā kōrua whawhai i tā kōrua e whakaae ana?
- Kei te whakararuraru tō whanaungatanga i tō whanaketanga whaiaro?
- Kei te mataku koe ki te kōrero ki tō hoa mō ngā mea kāore e whakaaetia e rātou?
- Kei te āwangawanga tonu koe kei puta he pakanga?
- E huna ana koe i ngā mea i tō hoa nā te mea kei te āwangawanga koe mō tā rātou tauhohenga mai?
- Kei te ruarua koe i ngā kare ā-roto o tō hoa ki a koe?
- Kua tinihanga tō hoa?
- Kei roto i tō whanaungatanga he kōrero teka?
- Kei te whakaaro koe kāore koe i te tino whakautehia, ā, kāore koe i te whakautehia?
Mena i whakautu koe "āe" ki te nuinga o aua pātai, he mārama te whakautu: me wehe atu koe. Engari i te whakapau i tō wā ki te rapu huarahi hei wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga kāore e ahu whakamua, tākaihia ō peke ka puta atu i taua whanaungatanga i te wā e taea ai.
Tohutohu Matua
- Mena kua pā kino tō whanaungatanga ki tō hauora hinengaro, tinana rānei, kua tae ki te wā kia whakarerea e koe, kia ora ai koe.
- Mena kei te whakamātauria koe e te hau, kei te tinihangatia rānei koe, kei te whakaaro rānei koe kei roto koe i tētahi whanaungatanga whakawhirinaki tahi ki tētahi, he tohu mārama tēnā mō tētahi whanaungatanga paitini
- Mena kāore i roto i tō whanaungatanga tetahi o ngā kaupapa matua e tika ana kia mau i roto i ngā whanaungatanga katoa - te whakawhirinaki, te whakaute, te aroha, te tautoko, me te aroha - me whakaaro koe mēnā he pai ake te whakapau i te wā ki roto.
Ehara i te mea ngāwari te mōhio ki te wā e noho tonu ai, e whawhai ai mō tō kōrua hononga, me te wā e wehe atu ai i tētahi whanaungatanga. Heoi anō, he ara anō tā ngā kare ā-roto e whakaaweawe i tō whakaaro. Heoi anō, ina kei roto koe i tētahi whanaungatanga kāore i te hauora, kāore hoki i te pai. Ki te kore koe e kaha ki te whakarērea te whakaaro "kei te hē tētahi mea", koinei te tohu tuatahi me rapu e koe te take o ō raruraru.
Tērā pea ka mōhio koe ko te wehe atu i tētahi e arohaina ana e koe he mea pai mōu, ā, mō rātou anō hoki. Mēnā ka raru koe ki te mārama ki ngā tauira o tō whanaungatanga, he tino whai hua te tohutohu hei whiwhi tirohanga whānui. He raihana, he wheako hoki ngā kaiwhakatakoto whakaaro i te rōpū a Bonobology kua āwhina i te tini o ngā tāngata i roto i ngā āhuatanga ōrite. Tērā pea ka whai hua koe i ō rātou tohungatanga, ā, ka kitea e koe ngā whakautu e rapuhia ana e koe.
FAQs
He maha ngā wā ka roa te noho a te tangata i roto i ngā whanaungatanga nā te mea e wehi ana rātou i te hara e puta mai ana i te tuku. Kia mōhio koe he pai te tuku i tetahi, ā, he kōwhiringa anō hoki tēnā. He nui te wā me te kaha e whakangaohia ana e koe ki tētahi tangata, nō reira ka uaua ki te whakawhiti i ēnā mea katoa. Waihoki, nā te mea kua taunga koe ki tō hoa, tera pea tētahi take kāore e taea e koe te wehe atu. Ko te iti o te whakaaro ki a koe anō, te tino muru hara, te tumanako rānei ka huri tō hoa i tētahi rā, tera pea ka mau tonu koe i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga, ahakoa e mōhio ana koe he paitini.
He mea nui kia mōhio koe ki te wā tika hei wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga, nā te mea he mamae ake te whakaroa i tētahi whanaungatanga i te wehenga tonu. He tino uaua te wehe atu i tētahi e arohaina ana e koe i te tīmatanga, engari ki te whakaae koe ki tēnā whakatau, koinei pea te koha pai rawa atu māu ki a koe anō. Ka taea e ia te tīmata i tētahi haerenga mutunga kore o te kimi i a koe anō me te aroha ki a koe anō. Ehara i te mea ngāwari te whiriwhiri i a koe anō me tō rangimārie, tō harikoa me tō hauora hinengaro, engari he mea whakaora. He kaha te whiriwhiri i tō tipu me tō whakaoranga, ā, kei roto i te mōhio ki te wā tika hei wehe atu te herekoretanga.
Ko tō kawenga te whakatakoto rohe, kaua hoki e tukua kia hoki mai ia. He take anō tōna i mutu ai. Me i pai te noho, kua kore koe e pōhēhē, e pouri hoki. Ki te tatari koe kia hoki mai ia, kua neke atu koe? Me ahu mai tō whakaaro ki a koe anō i roto i a koe, kaua e whakawhirinaki ki tētahi mea o waho. Me noho noa te whanaungatanga hei heri i runga i te keke o tētahi oranga whai hua, kaua ki tētahi atu mea. Ki te kore e tutuki i taua kaupapa, kia mōhio koe he tohu ēnei me noho tawhiti atu koe i tētahi.
Ki te mea kei te aroha tonu koe ki tō hoa engari me wehe atu koe i a rātou, ko te huarahi anake mā te tango i te whitiki me te tango i te mono me te kore e whakaroa. Me ō whakaaro, whakatenatena i a koe anō koinei te taahiraa pai rawa atu māu, kaua hoki e titiro whakamuri i muri i tō whakatau. Arā, me whakatū e koe te ture kore-pā i te tere tonu e taea ai, ā, mō te roa tonu e taea ai.
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