13 Ngā Tohu e Whakamārama Ana kei te Pōuri te Tāne i roto i tana Marena

Ua hau a‘e anei o ’na i te puai o to orua faaipoiporaa i tei matauhia? Akene he mea nui ake tana waea i a koe, a ko nga korero anake kei a koe mo nga mahi o te whare. Kaore e taea e koe te mahara ki te wa whakamutunga i tohatoha koe i tetahi waa pono me to hoa. Ko nga tohu karekau te tane i te harikoa i roto i tana marenatanga ka kitea i roto i te ahua o tana wehenga atu i tana hoa rangatira. 

Ia hepohepo ana‘e te hoê tane i roto i to ’na faaipoiporaa, ua hi‘opoa paha oia i te pae o te mau mana‘o hohonu hou oia e faaite ai i to ’na mau mana‘o. Ko te mea kino atu, ka taea e etahi atu e noho tata ana ki a koe te kite i tana momotu tere atu i a koe.

Hei ārai i te korenga o ngā mea e hoki mai ki te mutunga, he mea nui kia kitea wawetia ngā tohu o te kore harikoa o te tāne i roto i tana marena. Me te āwhina a te tohunga hinengaro a Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), he tohunga ki te CBT, REBT, me te kaunihera mō ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, me whakarārangihia ngā mea katoa e hiahia ana koe ki te mōhio.

Me pēhea te mōhio mēnā kāore te tāne i te harikoa i roto i tana marena? 13 Ngā tohu e whakaatu ana i te harikoa 

He āhua takitahi te take e kore ai e harikoa te tāne i roto i te marena, engari he rite tonu te āhua o ngā tohu. E ai ki ngā rangahau , ko ngā tino take o te whakarere ko te kore piripono, te kore pono, me/ranei te tautohetohe tonu. E tino whakapono ana mātou he rite tonu ngā tohu o te kore harikoa i roto i ēnei āhuatanga e toru; kei te aro atu koe ki aua tohu, kāore rānei.

Ina kore tō tāne e aroha ki a koe , tera pea ka puta mai aua tohu ahakoa kāore ia e mōhio. Tērā pea ka wehe atu ia i a koe me te kore e mōhio, ā, koia tonu te mea nui kia kite koe i aua tohu. I mea te tohunga hinengaro rongonui o Amerika, a Tākuta John Gottman, "Ka wehe atu ētahi i te marena mā te whakarere. Ko ētahi ka pērā mā te noho tahi i ngā oranga ōrite."

1. Ngā tohu kāore te tāne i te harikoa i roto i tana marena: Kua pāngia tō oranga moepuku

Kaua e whakaroa i tēnei mea – he maha ngā take mō te hekenga o te hiahia o ngā tāne. Ahakoa rā, kāore e taea te whakakore ko tētahi o aua take he koretake pea tōna ngākau ki tēnei marena. Ko tētahi wāhanga nui o te whanaungatanga ko te whanaungatanga ā-tinana. Ko te koretake o tēnei āhuatanga he tohu nui pea mō te kore e pai ki te whanaungatanga.

"Ko tētahi o ngā tohu nui e whakaatu ana i te kore harikoa o te tāne i roto i tana marena, ahakoa te wāhanga o te marena, ko te hekenga o te oranga moepuku o te tokorua. He rerekē te auau o te moepuku o ia marena, e kiia ana e rāua he mea noa. Mena he rerekētanga nui mai i taua auau, tera pea he take hei āwangawanga," te kī a Nandita.

2. Mena kei te noho tawhiti atu ia i a koe 

Ka roa tonu ngā haerenga pakihi, kua neke ake ngā pō mahi i te wā kotahi ki te toru i te wiki, ā, kāore koe e whai wāhi ki ana mahere mutunga wiki. Kei te harikoa ia ki tana marena? 

Ina kore tō tāne e aroha ki a koe, ko te mate tuatahi pea ko te wā kounga e noho tahi ana kōrua. "Ko tētahi o ngā tohu tōmua e kore ai te harikoa o te tāne i roto i tana whanaungatanga ko tana ngana ki te karo i te noho tahi me tana hoa. Tērā pea ka kitea tēnei i roto i te hekenga tere o te wā e noho tahi ana kōrua. Tērā pea ka tino pukumahi ia ki te mahi, ka pau rānei tōna wā katoa i tētahi mahi whakangahau."

"Ka nui ake tōna wā e kōrero ana ki ētahi atu tāngata pērā i ngā hoa mahi, i ngā hoa rānei. Tērā pea ka kite noa koe i a ia e whakatakoto ana i ngā mahere i ngā wiki mutunga kāore koe e whai wāhi ana, ko te tikanga he nui ake tana pai ki tētahi mahi i te noho tahi me koe." Ko te noho tahi i te wā kounga tetahi o ngā pou e tū ana te marena. Ki te wiri taua pou, ka wiri hoki te hanganga marena katoa.

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3. Kei te whai 'whakaaro ā-taonga' ia 

Ki te mea kei te ahua tinihanga ia ki a koe me tētahi mea, he rite tonu tēnā. Ko te 'whakaaro whaiaro' e pā ana ki te wā ka tīmata te hoa ki te whakapau i tōna wā katoa ki tētahi mahi whakangahau hou, ki tētahi mea hou rānei, ki tētahi hiahia hou rānei. Tērā pea kua neke atu ia i te kore eke pahikara i roto i tōna oranga ki te tono i ngā momo taputapu katoa i roto i te wiki, kua whakapau rānei i tōna wā katoa ki ngā pāpāho pāpori. Mā tēnei āhuatanga ka waiho koe ki te taha. 

He rerekē tēnei i ētahi atu momo tinihanga , ā, ka ngaro pea tēnei i te tirohanga i ngā wā maha. Me pēhea te kino o tētahi mahi whakangahau ki tētahi whanaungatanga, tika? A te wā e ngaro atu ai ia mō te rā katoa ki te takaro i tana motopaika, kaua e waiho noa iho me te mea kāore he aha. He maha ngā āhua me ngā rahi o te mawhiti. Ko te hiahia hou ki te noho pukumahi he huarahi pea e ngana ana ia ki te karo i te noho tahi me koe. Ki te mau tonu tēnei whanonga, ā, ki te whakaaro koe kua tawhiti ia i a koe, he mea nui kia whakatikahia.

4. He tawhiti rawa te āhua o te heke mai 

Ina kua marenatia ngā tāngata tokorua, ko te kōrero mō tō "harikoa ake ake" he maha ngā wā ka uru atu ki ngā mahere reti me ngā tumanakohanga a kōrua tetahi ki tetahi me tō oranga i taua wā. Engari ki te mea kei te karo tō tāne i te whakarite hararei me koe mō te tau e whai ake nei, kāore pea tō "harikoa ake ake" e taea te kī i ēnei rā. 

Ko tēnei āhuatanga, ina kore e taea e te tāne te kite i te heke mai me tana hoa rangatira, ka ara ake te pātai - he aha ngā tāne ka noho tonu i roto i ngā whanaungatanga pouri? Tērā pea ko te whakautu he mangere ki te wareware, engari ko te mea nui ake ko te meka kei te haere mai te raruraru. Me whai take mō tēnei whakaroa, ā, me whakaaroaro.

5. Tērā pea ka tīmata ia ki te pupuri i te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero 

"Ina kore te tangata e harikoa i roto i tana marena, ka mutu tana kōrero i ngā mahi iti o ia rā, i ia rā, i ia rā, kua taunga pea ia ki te kōrero ki a koe i mua. Tērā pea nā te mea kāore ia i te aro ki te kōrero i aua mahi ki a koe. Ko ngā mea pēnei i te kōrero i te āhua o te rā, ngā āhuatanga iti o āna mahi, ka kitea he hekenga nui," te kī a Nandita.

Mena kua tekau tau te roa o tō kōrua marena, kāore pea kōrua e kōrero ana tetahi ki tetahi pērā i mua. Engari, ki te mea ko ngā mahi o te whare anake ngā mea e kōrerohia ana e kōrua, ko te kore o te hononga he tohu nui mō te kaha o tō kōrua marena. 

Ngāna ki te pātai atu ki a ia mō te āhua o tōna rā, me āna mahi i ngā rā tata nei. Mēnā he torutoru noa ngā kupu kei roto i ngā whakautu katoa, me kī atu kei te hiahia koe ki te kōrero ki a ia, kaua e titiro ki tana waea. Mēnā he kore kōrero tonu , he tohu mārama tēnei e kore ana te tāne e harikoa i roto i tana marena.

6. Tērā pea ka mutu tana tiaki i a ia anō 

Ko te tangata i mau i ana kākahu Rātapu pai rawa atu i ngā pō whakatau katoa māua, kua kore e aro ki tōna āhua. Tērā pea kua mutu tana whakakorikori tinana pērā i mua, ā, kua ngaro katoa ngā tikanga kai hauora. Ina tīmata te tangata ki te whakaaro noa he mea noa ia, tera pea ka uru atu tēnei āhuatanga ki ētahi atu wāhanga o tōna ao.

I roto i ngā whanaungatanga harikoa, he maha ngā wā ka hiahia ngā tāne kia pai ake te noho mō ā rātou hoa. Engari ki te kore te tāne e harikoa i roto i tana marena, ka memeha haere taua hihiri. Ā, ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe he aha ngā tāne e noho tonu ana i roto i ngā whanaungatanga harikoa, tera pea nā te mea kāore i te nui te hihiri ki te huri i te āhuatanga. 

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7. Kei roto pea i ana pāpāho pāpori ngā whakautu katoa 

"Mēnā kua mutu tana tohatoha i ngā kōrero poto o tēnei ao ki a koe i runga i ngā pāpāho pāpori, he tohu pea tēnei kāore ia i te harikoa ki te āhua o te whanaungatanga. He maha ngā wā, he kōwhiringa huna tēnei. He maha ngā tāne kāore e mōhio ko te take i mutu ai tā rātou tohatoha i ngā whakaahua whānau me ngā whakaahua takirua he kore e hari mai tō rātou whanaungatanga," te kī a Nandita. 

Ahakoa e whakaae ana tātou, e kore rānei, ko ā tātou pūkete pāpāho pāpori he toronga o tō tātou tuakiri. Ā, ko tētahi o ngā tohu nui o te kore harikoa o te tāne i roto i tana marena ko te kore e tae atu tana hoa ki ana kōrero, ki ana pou rānei. Ko te nuinga o te wā ka whakaatuhia e ngā kaiwhakamahi pāpāho pāpori kaha ō rātou oranga katoa ki runga i ēnei papaaho, inā koa ko ngā wāhanga e tino nui ana ki a rātou. Nō reira, ki te puta manuhiri noa koe i roto i ngā mahi pāpāho pāpori a tō hoa rangatira, he raruraru kei te haere.

8. Ngā tohu kāore te tāne i te harikoa i roto i tana marena: Ko ana whakaaro anake 

"Ina tino pouri te tāne, ka mutu pea ka whakaaroaro ia mō te whakarērea o tana wahine, mō te pai rānei o te whakarere mōna. Kāore pea ia e whai ake i tēnei take engari e kitea ana ka roa ia e whakaaro ana ki ēnei kaupapa. Mā tēnei panonitanga o tana tirohanga ka waiho pea koe me te mea kei te takahi koe i runga i ngā anga hua manu i roto i tō marena."

"Ka huri hei āhuatanga 'he matomato ake te tarutaru i tērā taha', ka tino whakapono pea ia ki a ia anō ka nui ake tōna harikoa me te kore tana wahine," te kī a Nandita. Kāore pea ia e kōrero tika engari ko ngā whakataurite tonu me tana whakahē i tō kōrua whanaungatanga he tohu kei te whakaaro nui ia ki ngā āhuatanga kino o tō kōrua marena.

He rerekē pea ngā āhuatanga e kore ai e harikoa te tāne i roto i te marena, i ia tangata, i ia whanaungatanga, engari ki te pēnei ōna whakaaro, ka nui rawa atu tōna whakaaro mō tō kōrua heke mai, ā, ka tino taumaha rawa atu tō kōrua whanaungatanga. Ka roa ake tōna noho i roto i tēnei pōrearea, ka tawhiti rawa atu ia. He mea nui kia hohoro te hoki atu i a ia i taua pōrearea.

9. Kei te hīkoi koe i runga i ngā anga hua manu ina tae mai ki tōna riri 

Ina nui rawa te whakaaro ka puta te ahotea, ka nui te riri. "Ko tētahi atu tohu noa e kore ai te tangata e harikoa i roto i te whanaungatanga ko te tere o tana riri ki tana wahine. He maha atu anō ngā take mō te āhua kino, engari ki te haere tahi mai me ētahi atu tohu o te pouri, me tūpato koe."

"Tērā pea ka tahuri te tāne pouri ki ngā kōrero whakatoi me ngā tawai, ka whakaititia e ia ngā āwangawanga a tana wahine, ka kore rānei e whakarongo ki ana amuamu iti i runga i te āhua hihiri. Tērā pea ka wareware ia ki a ia, ka mahi mātao ki a ia, me te mea kāore ia e aro nui ana ki a ia," te kī a Nandita. 

Ki te mea ka riri ia ki a koe mō ngā mea iti rawa, kua mōhio kē pea koe ki te whakautu ki ngā pātai pēnei i te, "Kei te pouri ia i roto i tana marena?" Ki te mea koinei te āhua, kua tae ki te wā kia kōrero kōrua mō te ahunga whakamua o tō kōrua whanaungatanga. Kāore tēnei whanonga i te pai mō kōrua me te marena.

10. Kua rerekē pea tōna reo tinana 

Ahakoa kei te ngana tetahi ki te huna i ngā tohu o te kore harikoa o te tāne i roto i tana marena, ka kitea tonutia e tana reo tinana, ahakoa e mōhio ana ia, kāore rānei. Ko ētahi o ngā tohu māmā ko te karo i te whanaungatanga ā-tinana, te riri o ia i a koe, te kore rānei e mōhio ki tō aroaro.

Poroporoaki atu ki aua awhi ohorere i te kīhini; kua tino makariri ia ki a koe ināianei. Ahakoa kāore ia e hiahia kia pērā, tera pea ka kitea tōna kore aroha ki a koe. Tērā pea i puta ēnei huringa i roto i te wā, ā, kāore koe i kite i aua huringa.

Āhea te wā whakamutunga i whakawhanaunga ai kōrua ki te PDA? Kāore pea kōrua e awhi ana tetahi ki tetahi pērā i mua, ā, ko te "whakaipoipo" te āhua nei he mea i mahia e kōrua i te miriona tau ki muri. Rapua hoki ētahi atu tohu, pērā i te kore rawa ia e titiro mai ki a kōrua i a kōrua e kōrero ana, te kore rānei ia e āhua atawhai, e manaaki ana. 

11. E whakaaro ana ia kāore ia i te rawaka 

I ētahi wā, ko ngā tohu o te kore harikoa o te tāne i roto i tana marena, kāore pea he pānga ki te kounga o tana whanaungatanga, engari he tirohanga kino pea. Ki te mea kei te aroha koe ki tētahi tāne he iti nei tōna whakaaro ki a ia anō , ko ōna ruarua mōna ake ka meinga ia kia whakapono kāore e taea e ia te whakahari i a koe.

Ka whakautua hoki e tēnei tirohanga kino ki a ia anō te pātai, "He aha ngā tāne ka noho tonu ai i roto i ngā whanaungatanga pouri?" Ka pērā rātou nā te mea e whakaaro ana rātou kāore he mea e tika ana kia puta atu i a rātou. Ko te tikanga, kāore ēnei tāngata e tino whakapuaki i ō rātou raruraru, ā, ka uaua ake te aro atu ki a rātou.

Tērā pea kāore ia i te tino angitu i roto i tana mahi, kāore rānei e taea e ia te whakaae ki ōna ngoikoretanga. Ina kanga tonu ia i a ia anō mō ​​te "kore e ranea", ka puta te mauahara i roto i tō kōrua marena. Tērā pea ka kitea koe he korekore i roto i tēnei āhuatanga; he mea tino taunaki kia rapu awhina ngaio hei whakatika i ngā take matua.

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12. Ngā tohu kāore te tāne i te harikoa i roto i tana marena: He nui rawa tana kata mō taua mea 

"I ētahi wā, ka kite pea koe i ngā tāne e kōrero ana mō te maha rawa o ngā kōrero, e kata noa ana rānei mō te whakarērea o ā rātou wāhine. He mea nui kia mōhio koe, tera pea ka rerekē tēnei i runga i te āhua o te tangata. Engari, ki te amuamu ia mō tana wahine ki ōna hoa me tōna whānau i ngā wā katoa, kua tae ki te wā kia mōhio ai ki te hē o te haere. He tohu pea tēnei kua mutu te marena mōna ," te kī a Nandita.

Kei te kī atu ia ki ngā tāne takakau katoa e karapoti ana i a ia kia kaua rawa e marena? Ko tāna kaupapa kōrero tino pai pea ko "he raruraru te marena" i te mea kei te kōrero tonu ō hoa wahine mō te hararei ataahua i haerea e rātou. He rārangi angiangi kei waenganui i te katakata kino (koretake) me te huna i ngā whakaaro hohonu i roto i taua katakata.

Ahakoa te āhua korekore o ngā katakata ina he iti noa iho, engari ko te whakahua pinepine i taua mea he tohu pea tēnei kāore te tangata e harikoa ana i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga. E mārama ana mātou he tino whakarihariha tēnei, engari me whakaaro tonu koe ki te kōrero pono mō tēnei mea.

13. Mena he atarangi ia nō te tangata o mua 

Ki te kore te tangata e harikoa i roto i tana marena, kāore ia e tino oraora, e tino harikoa hoki. Whakaarohia, kei te "mauheretia" ia i roto i te marena kāore e whakamana ana i a ia. Ko tōna āhua whānui ka rite ki te tangata e noho mokemoke ana. 

Ae, te āhua nei ka noho mokemoke ngā tāne i roto i ngā hēkona ruarua, engari ki te kitea e koe ngā tohu katoa e kore e harikoa te tāne i roto i tana marena, tera pea ka kite koe i a ia e tino pouri ana. Ko te marena tētahi o ngā whanaungatanga tino nui, ā, ko te kore e tutuki te hiahia ka taea te mimiti i te oranga o te tangata.

He aha tāu e taea ai mēnā kāore te tāne i te harikoa i roto i tō mārenatanga?

Ki te kite koe i tētahi o ngā tohu o runga ake nei, e mārama ana kei te pouri koe. Kaua e manukanuka, he mahere tā mātou hei āwhina i a koe ki te whakatere i tēnei āhuatanga. Nā te mea kua tae mai koe ki konei i roto i te tuhinga, e whakaaro ana mātou kei te hiahia koe kia angitu tō marena. Anei ētahi huarahi hei whakapā atu ki tō hoa rangatira kāore i te harikoa, me te ngana ki te hono atu anō ki a ia:

• Me korero pono: Ko te rongoā mō te nuinga o ngā raruraru whanaungatanga ko te kōrero pono mō ō raruraru. Mā te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero mārama me te aroha ka āwhina i te whakaora i tetahi patunga mena kei te hiahia kōrua ko tō hoa ki te whakatika i te raruraru. Ka tūtohu mātou kia tukua rātou kia kōrero i a koe e whakarongo ana i tēnei wā, nā te mea ka kore e whai hua te urupare ārai ā-whakaaro.
• Tāutuhia ngā mea kāore e mahi ana: Mā te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero e whakaatu ō kōrua whakaaro mō te āhua o tō kōrua marena. Ina tukua rāua kia whakapuaki mai i ō rāua whakaaro ki a kōrua, kia whakawhirinaki mai ki a kōrua, tera pea ka pai ake i reira. Kātahi ka taea e kōrua te mahi tahi ki te rapu i te pūtake o tōna pouri, me te tautuhi i ngā mea kāore e pai ana i roto i tō kōrua marena.
• Ngāna ki te kimi tahi i ngā otinga: Kia mārama kē kōrua ki ngā take me tōna kaha, ka taea e kōrua te rapu huarahi hei whakaoti. Mā te mahi tahi i tēnei pea ka waiho hei huarahi pai hei whakaora i te aroha i roto i tō kōrua marena.
• Whakatauhia mēnā he pai te tiaki i te marena: Mā ēnei whakawhitiwhiti kōrero me te whakaaroaro hohonu ka kitea te kaha o te kino. Ka taea te whakatika, kāore rānei e taea te whakatika? I ētahi wā he mahi mohio te noho wehe, engari i ētahi wā, ko te whakamutu i te marena te mea pai mō ngā hoa tokorua. Ka tohutohu mātou kia tūpato koe ki te putanga, me te whakarite hoki i a koe anō mō ​​te āhuatanga kino rawa atu.

Engari i te ngana ki te rapu i te whakautu ki te pātai, "He aha ngā tāne e noho tonu ai i roto i ngā whanaungatanga pouri?", ngana ki te hopu i ngā tohu kia kore ai e pā ki taua wāhi. Mena kei roto i tōu āhuatanga, te āhua nei kua puta he kino kāore e taea te whakatika, ka taea e te rōpū kaiwhakaora hinengaro o Bonobology te āwhina i a koe i roto i ō raruraru marena, kia taea ai e koe te hoki ki ngā rā o te harikoa e tino hiahiatia ana e koe.

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Ehara tō takoha i te koha aroha . Mā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe tonu mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.

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