Kugwa Mchikondi Mu Ubale Wautali - Zizindikiro Ndi Zomwe Muyenera Kuchita

Amandikonda, samandikonda, timatero. Koma akatswiri odziwa za ubale akhala akunena kuti chikondi sichinthu cha binary. Komanso silokhazikika. Tanthauzo lathu la chikondi limasintha pakapita nthawi, monga momwe timachitira pa chikondi. Muyenera kumvetsetsa izi musanadandaule za funso la kugwa kwa chikondi mu ubale wautali.

"Ine sindiri mwa inu." "Ndimakukonda koma sindimakukonda." "Ndikutaya mtima." "Ndikukula chifukwa cha chikondi." Timalankhula mawu owopsa awa kwa mnzathu wachikondi yemwe amadabwitsidwa ndipo nthawi zambiri samadziwa kuti takhala tikukumva izi. Timagwiritsa ntchito ma ephemisms ambiri kuti tithane ndi zowawa zakulankhula zomwe sizingatchulidwe. Koma kodi tikuyesera kutanthauza chiyani?

Tonsefe takhalapo, tikukumana ndi kuchepa kwa chilakolako pamene moyo ukulowa m'malo mwake. Ichi ndichifukwa chake tinafunsa mafunso awa kwa katswiri wathu waubwenzi, Ruchi Ruuh , (dipuloma ya Postgraduate mu uphungu wa zamaganizo) yemwe ndi katswiri pa nkhani ya kugwirizana, malire, kudzikonda, ndi uphungu wovomereza, ndipo tinamufunsa ngati kusiya chikondi chinali chachibadwa komanso choti achitepo kanthu.

Kodi Kugwa M'chikondi Kumamveka Bwanji

Koma choyamba, mphindi ya chikondi. Ndipo chikondi chimamva bwanji? Wolemba mabuku komanso wochirikiza chikhalidwe cha anthu, Bell Hooks, m’buku lake labwino kwambiri lonena za chikondi—All About Love—anagwira mawu wolemba ndakatulo wa ku America Diane Ackerman kuti: “Timagwiritsa ntchito liwu lakuti chikondi m’njira yosasamala moti lingatanthauze chilichonse kapena chilichonse.” N’zosadabwitsa kuti kugwa m’chikondi n’kosavuta komanso kusokoneza.

Nthawi zina zimakhala zosavuta kumvetsetsa chikondi pofotokoza momwe chimamvera m'malo mwake. Ruchi akuti, “Chikondi, makamaka panthaŵi yachisangalalo chaukwati, chimamva ngati chizoloŵezi china chilichonse. Iye ananenanso kuti: “Komabe, ubwenzi uliwonse umafika pachimake nthawi yokasangalala koyamba ikatha.

Ichi ndichifukwa chake musanapemphe upangiri 'wotaya chikondi', ndikofunikira kudziwa ngati zomwe mukukumana nazo ndi kusintha kwachizolowezi kuchoka pa nthawi yosangalatsa komanso yosangalatsa ya ukwati kupita ku ubale wolimba, kapena kutha kwa ubale weniweni ndi kudzipereka. Izi zikutifikitsa ku funso lofunika kwambiri. Kodi mungazindikire bwanji kusiyana kumeneku? Kodi mungazindikire bwanji momwe kutaya chikondi muubwenzi wautali kumamvekera?

Kafukufuku wochititsa chidwi amayesa kufotokoza fanizo la 'kugwa m'chikondi'. Limayerekeza ndi "kumva kugwa m'phiri. Munthu akagwa palibe choletsa, palibe njira yoletsera ... Ndikumva kugwa ndi kuphwanya pamene wina wagundana." Kutsatiridwa ndi "kusweka kopanda kanthu, kopanda kanthu, kosweka." Mwachidule, kugwa m'chikondi kumamveka kowawa, kopanda thandizo, kodabwitsa, komanso kotopetsa. Zizindikiro ndi zizindikiro zodziwika bwino za kugwa m'chikondi mwina ndizothandiza kwambiri kumvetsetsa kumverera kumeneku.

Zizindikiro Kuti Mukugwa Mchikondi Mu Ubale Wanthawi Yaitali

Palibe njira yabwinoko yomvetsetsera mfundo zosamveka ngati 'chikondi' ndi 'kutaya chikondi' kuposa kuyang'ana zizindikiro ndi zizindikiro zawo. Mumadziwa kuti muli m'chikondi mukakhala paubwenzi wakuthupi komanso wamalingaliro ndi SO wanu. Mungakhale otsimikiza kuti ndi chikondi pamene kulankhulana nawo kumakhala kosavuta, pamene mukusangalala ndi zolinga zomwe munagawana nazo m'tsogolo limodzi, pamene mupeza chisangalalo kuchokera ku zomwe akwaniritsa.

Mofananamo, bwanji za kutaya chikondi kapena kutaya malingaliro ? Kodi mumakumana ndi chiyani mukasiya chikondi ndi chibwenzi chanu kapena chibwenzi chanu? Nazi zizindikiro zisanu zomwe inu kapena mnzanu wanu mukusiya chikondi muubwenzi wa nthawi yayitali.

1. Mumakwiyira wokondedwa wanu

Nthawi zambiri amatchedwa wakupha ubale chete, kukulitsa mkwiyo sikuchitika tsiku limodzi. Kukwiyitsa ndi kusonkhanitsa mikangano yonse yosathetsedwa mu ubale. Kuziyika mu mawu amalingaliro, kukwiyitsa kumakhala ngati mkwiyo, kuwawidwa mtima, kupanda chilungamo kapena kusalungama, ndi kukhumudwa. Ngati mumadzifunsa kuti, “Kodi ndinagwa m’chikondi nditavulazidwa?” Mwayi n’kutheka kuti zinachitika chifukwa chakuti inuyo ndi mnzanuyo simunathetse chimene chinakukhumudwitsani.

“Mukangoyamba kudzimva kukhala wosachirikizidwa, wosakondedwa, ndi wosamvedwa m’chibwenzi, mawu oipa a unansiwo amawonjezereka.” Zimenezi zikutanthauza kuti nthaŵi zonse ndi mobwerezabwereza mumadzipeza mukusungira chakukhosi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu, kuyesa kudzitsutsa m’mikangano m’malo momvetsetsa maganizo a mnzanuyo,” akutero Ruchi.

Poyankha funso lakuti “Kodi munasiya bwanji chikondi?”, munthu wina wogwiritsa ntchito reddit anayankha kuti, “Ngati akukhumudwitsani kangapo, mumayamba kuwaona mosiyana.” Kumva chisoni mobwerezabwereza kumabweretsa kugonjetsedwa kwa malingaliro oipa. Ichi ndichifukwa chake mkwiyo ndi chimodzi mwa zizindikiro zazikulu zomwe mnzanuyo wasiya kukondana nanu. Kapena inuyo mwasiya kukondana.

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2. Ubwenzi wamtundu uliwonse umachepa mukagwa mchikondi mu ubale wautali

Mukakula chifukwa cha chikondi, simukufunanso kugawana nawo ubale wapamtima. Ruchi anati: “Simumaonanso mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu kukhala wokongola kapena wokongola ngati mmene munachitira poyamba pa chibwenzi.

Komabe, kungakhale lingaliro losakonzekera bwino kuti kutaya mphamvu nthawi zonse kumatanthauza kutaya chikondi. Ubwenzi uliwonse umadutsa mu zovuta zogonana zomwe zingatsatidwe ndi zifukwa zina zosiyanasiyana. Ichi ndichifukwa chake ndikofunikira kuwona ubwenzi mophatikizana. Ganizirani, ubwenzi wamaganizo, ubwenzi wamaganizo , ubwenzi wauzimu. Ngati mwatalikirana, mawu awa adzakukhudzani:

• Sindikufuna kugawana nawo zomwe ndimakonda tsiku langa ndi mnzanga
• Sitilankhulanso za m'tsogolo
• Wokondedwa wanga si yemwe ndikufuna kuti tikambirane za bukhu/kanema wa pa TV/kanema amene ndinawerenga/ ndinaona naye
• Ndimadzimva kukhala wosamasuka komanso wosamasuka tikamagawana nawo nthawi yokhala chete
• Ndikuganiza kuti sindingathe kuwakhulupirira ndi choonadi
• Tinatengerana

3. Simumacheza nawo

Kupanda ubwenzi ndi kukhulupirira mwachibadwa zikutanthauza kuti inu kusiya kucheza ndi mnzanuyo. Ruchi anati: “Masiku onse amene munali nawo pa chibwenzi, amangokhalira kucheza nawo usiku uliwonse.

Mukamasuka kwambiri kutali ndi mnzanu kuposa kukhala naye limodzi, muyenera kusamala ndi momwe ubale wanu ulili panopa. Sikuti ndi zachibadwa komanso zabwino kufuna ndi kulimbikitsa umunthu wanu komanso malo anu paubwenzi . Komabe, simuyenera kuyesa kuthawa mnzanu nthawi zonse ndikukhala ndi anthu ena.

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4. Mumapanga kulumikizana kwamalingaliro kwina

Michelle Janning, pulofesa wa zachikhalidwe cha anthu ku Whitman College, Washington, US, akunena apa kuti , "M'mbuyomu, mwamuna kapena mkazi sankayembekezeredwa kukwaniritsa zosowa za mnzawo m'maganizo. Ukwati nthawi zambiri unkadalira chitetezo cha zachuma, malo, ubale wa m'banja ndi zolinga zobereka. (...) Koma m'zaka 200 zapitazi, kumvetsetsa kwathu maubwenzi kwasintha. Kwa nthawi yoyamba kukwaniritsa zosowa za m'maganizo za munthu wina kungaoneke ngati kusakhulupirika."

Tsopano, ngati pali kusowa kwa ubale wapamtima mu ubale wanu wapano, mwachibadwa mumatsogozedwa kwina kuyesa kudzaza chosowacho. Ruchi anati: “Kugwirizana kwatsopano kumeneku kungakhale ana anu, banja lanu, antchito anzanu, mabwenzi, kapena chikondi china.”

Anthu ena anganene kuti kusakhulupirika m'maganizo n'kopweteka kwambiri komanso kowononga kuposa kusakhulupirika mwakuthupi. Okwatirana omwe asiya kukondana muubwenzi wa nthawi yayitali amanena kuti amakwiyanso ndi mnzawo chifukwa chogawana zambiri za moyo wawo komanso kukhala ndi ubale wolimba ndi amayi awo, kapena bwenzi lawo, kapena ana awo m'malo mokhala nawo. Izi zikusonyeza momwe chikondi chimagwirizanirana ndi mgwirizano wamaganizo komanso momwe kusowa kwa mgwirizano wamaganizo kungasonyezere kutayika kwa chikondi.

5. Mumawanyoza pamaso pa ena

Musalakwitse kuti iyi ndi nkhani yongofotokozera za ubale wanu ndi mnzanu wodalirika. Kapena kudandaula mopepuka za quirk yokhumudwitsa. Aliyense amachita zimenezo kamodzi pakapita nthawi. Komabe, ngati mupeza kuti nthawi zonse mumanyoza wokondedwa wanu pamaso pa ena, zikuwonetsa kuti simukuwalemekezanso ndipo simusamala kuwakhumudwitsa.

Ruchi anati: “Mukangoyamba kudandaula za mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu kwa anthu ena ngakhale musanalankhule naye, ndiye kuti n’chizindikiro chachikulu cha kusalankhulana, kusakhulupirirana, ndi kuipidwa.” Zimenezi zikusonyeza kuti ubwenzi wanu wavuta kwambiri.

Kodi Mungasiye Kugwa M'chikondi?

Chabwino, yankho lalifupi la funso limenelo ndi inde! Yankho lalitali, komabe, likufuna kudzifufuza moona mtima ndikuyankha funso lotsatirali - mukufuna? Chikondi chikayamba kuzimiririka, ndizotheka kuyimitsa njirayo ndikuisintha. Koma pokhapokha pamene onse awiri ali ndi cholinga chimodzi ndipo ali odzipereka mofanana.

Ruchi akuti, “Mvetsetsani mfundo yakuti mu maubwenzi odzipereka kwa nthawi yayitali, monga ukwati, mosakayikira mudzakumana ndi mavuto ndi zovuta.” Chifukwa cha zochitika zazikulu m'moyo monga kubereka, kulera ana, kuthana ndi vuto la chisa chopanda kanthu akachoka, matenda ndi zilema zomwe zangoyamba kumene, kusintha komwe kumabwera chifukwa cha ukalamba, ntchito, kupeza tsogolo, ndi mavuto atsopano. Muubwenzi wakale, pali zambiri zomwe zimayikidwa kwa okwatirana. Zimene mumaganiza nazo komanso momwe mumachitira nazo ndi zomwe zimasankha ngati mungathe kukonza ubale wanu mukataya chikondi kwa mnzanu.

Ichi n’chifukwa chake Ruchi anawonjezera kuti: “Kaŵirikaŵiri malingaliro anu a ‘malingaliro’ angagwere pansi. Popeza takonza izi, Ruchi akupanga malingaliro angapo omwe angakuthandizeni kuthana ndi zovuta muubwenzi wanu. Osati kukonza kwakanthawi, akutero, zitha kukhala zothandiza kangapo muubwenzi wanu.

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Zoyenera Kuchita Mukasiya Chibwenzi Muubwenzi Utali?

Musanawerengenso, tengani mphindi ino kuti mupume ndikudzifunsa kuti, "Kodi ndadziperekadi kuchita izi?" Nawa mafunso angapo omwe angakuthandizeni kuyesa kudzipereka kwanu:

• Kodi ndili ndi ndalama mu ubalewu?
• Ngati zonse zikhala bwino, kodi ndimakhala wokondwa kugawana nawo zamtsogolo?
• Kodi ndine wokonzeka kukhala wosatetezeka?
• Kodi ndine wokonzeka kuvomereza ngati kuli kofunikira?
• Ndine wokonzeka kutenga kuyankha mu ubale wanga pa zolakwa zanga?
• Ngakhale zitakhala zovuta, zidzakhala zopindulitsa! Kodi ndikuvomereza?

Ngati mwayankha kuti inde kwa ambiri, ngati si onse, mwa mafunso awa; ngati nthaŵi zambiri mumanena kuti, “Ndikugwa m’chikondi koma sindikufuna kuti tithe”; tikuganiza kuti mwakonzeka kuchitapo kanthu, kukonza ubale kapena vuto laukwati, ndikubwezeretsanso.

1. Muzithana ndi chakukhosi nthawi yomweyo

Kusiya uphungu wachikondi mwachibadwa kungakhale kothandiza chizindikiro choyamba. Mukukumbukira kuchuluka kwa nkhani zomwe sizinathetsedwe zomwe zimayambitsa mkwiyo? "Mkwiyo muubwenzi ungafalikire mwachangu, choncho yesetsani kuthetsa vutoli lisanakhale vuto lalikulu laukwati , lalikulu kwambiri moti simungathe kulithetsa," akutero Ruchi.

Mwachitsanzo, ngati munthu wina akuthera nthawi yochuluka kuntchito, n’kwachibadwa kuti mnzakeyo aziona kuti sakucheza naye. Ngati muwona mkwiyo ukukulirakulira, kambiranani moona mtima za nkhaniyi. Wokondedwa wanu ayenera kukupatsani chidaliro, kukupangitsani kumva bwino, ndikukhala ndi nthawi yabwino pamodzi. “Ngati mupereka chithandizo choyamba chimene chikufunika paubwenzi wanu, sichidzasanduka bala,” akutero Ruchi mwachidule momveka bwino.

2. Muzikhulupirirananso wina ndi mnzake kuti mukambirane nkhani mopanda mantha

N’zosachita kufunsa kuti ngati mutagwiritsa ntchito mfundo yoyambayo, muyenera kuyambiranso kukhulupirirana ndi kuyesetsa kukulitsa ubwenzi wanu umene umalimbikitsa kulankhulana momasuka. Izi zili choncho makamaka ngati vuto limene mwakumana nalo ndi lakuti: “Kodi ndinasiya kukondana nditachita zachinyengo kapena nditanyengedwa?”

Mukayamba kukondana mobwerezabwereza, zimakhala zovuta kuti mukhulupirire. Komabe, muyenera. Koma apa pakubwera gawo lovuta!

Kukhulupirirana kosokonekera kungasinthidwe kokha ndi chizolowezi chodalirana wina ndi mnzake ndikuwona zonse. Pochitapo kanthu, posunga mawu anu, osachita moyipa pamene mnzanu akukuuzani nkhawa zawo. Mofanana ndi vuto la nkhuku ndi dzira, muyenera kusonyeza chikhulupiriro kuti muyambirenso kukhulupirirana.

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3. Landirani zoyesayesa zokonza kuchokera kwa okondedwa anu

Sikuti okwatirana anzeru kapena okwatirana omwe ali pachibwenzi chokhwima samakumana ndi mikangano/mavuto, kapena samakangana pankhaniyi. Chowonadi ndi chakuti amafulumira kukonza njira. Okwatirana onse awiri amayesa mofanana mbali iyi.

Ndi mabanja oterowo, katswiri wa zamaganizo wa ku America, Dr. John Gottman, ananenapo kachitidweko. Anazindikira kuti panthawi ya ndewu, mnzanu nthawi zonse amayesa pang'ono kuponyera jekete lopulumutsa moyo. Kuyanjanitsa uku kungakhale ngati nthabwala kapena mawu, kapenanso mawu. Koma chofunika kwambiri n’chakuti mnzakeyo amafulumira kuzizindikira, kugwira mwayiwo, kugwira jekete la moyo ndi kuligwiritsa ntchito kuti likhale loyandama, kuti lipepuke komanso kuti libwerere mwakale.

Pamene mukukangana kwambiri ndi wokondedwa wanu, muyenera kukhala wololera kusiya mkwiyo wanu ndikuwona zinthu monga momwe mnzanuyo amazionera. Ndikofunikiranso kuti musamangoganizira za vuto lomwe muli nalo komanso kuvomereza zoyesayesa zokonzedwa ndi okondedwa wanu. Izi zitha kumveka ngati zosavuta, koma ndikofunikira - kuvomereza kupepesa kwa mnzanu akakupepesa.

4. Pangani miyambo ndi machitidwe kuti mubwererenso

Makhalidwe ndi zizolowezi zomwe zimachitika tsiku ndi tsiku, pomwe miyambo ndi machitidwe omwe adapangidwa mwadala kuti akhale ndi cholinga chabwino. Miyambo ndi zochitika zimapanga malo odziwika bwino ndi chitonthozo chomwe mungathe kubwereranso panthawi yamavuto. Panthawi ya mkangano ndi zovuta, zizolowezi zimangokhala zomwe munthu amafunikira m'madzi achipwirikiti.

Kafukufukuyu akusonyeza kuti “miyambo yaubwenzi ndi yothandiza chifukwa imasonyeza kudzipereka kwa okwatirana ku maubwenzi awo.” Komanso, “miyambo imagwirizanitsidwa ndi malingaliro abwino komanso kukhutitsidwa kwakukulu kwaubwenzi popeza kugawana zomwe zachitika ndikofunikira kwambiri popanga miyambo ya anthu kukhala chida chothandiza chogwirizanitsa anthu.”

“Kukhala ndi chinthu chodalira kungathandize kwambiri paubwenzi womwe uli pafupi kutha,” akutero Ruchi. “Mwachitsanzo,” akuwonjezera kuti, “kulowa mwachangu patebulo la chakudya cham'mawa, kukumbatirana/kupsompsonana panthawi yochoka, kukhudza msana wa mnzanu usiku uliwonse, ku miyambo ikuluikulu monga mausiku a Lachisanu ndi 'masiku okondana' kungakhale 'kwachibadwa' kwanu.” Pamene kuli kovuta kusonyeza chikondi, koma mukufunabe kutero, miyambo idzathandiza.

5. Funsani thandizo lakunja, makamaka chithandizo cha maanja

Ruchi anati: “Kupita kukalandira chithandizo mukaona zizindikiro zoti mng’alu wayamba kuphulika kungateteze kuwonongeka kwakukulu kuti zisachitike. "Nthawi zambiri, timafunikira khutu losakondera kuti titsegule. Timafunikira chitsogozo cha akatswiri kuti tiphunzire momwe tingayankhire mikangano, momwe tingagwiritsire ntchito zomwe zikutiyambitsa komanso kupewa kuwonetsa zokhumudwitsa kwa wokondedwa wathu."

Kuphunzira zomwe zinasintha kuchokera pa zomwe zinakukokerani poyamba, mpaka momwe mukuonerana tsopano kungakhale kosangalatsa kwa onse awiri. Ngati mukufuna upangiri wa katswiri, gulu la alangizi ophunzitsidwa bwino la Bonobology lingakhale lomwe mukufuna.

Palibe kukayika kuti moyo udzakhala m'njira ya chikondi. Koma ubale wautali si chikondi chokha. Chomwe munthu amafunikira kuchokera muubwenzi wautali komanso wachimwemwe ndi kukhazikika, kudzipereka, chitetezo, chisangalalo, ubwenzi, ndi zina zambiri. Wogwiritsa ntchito reddit akunena bwino. "Ndikuganiza kuti chikondi chenicheni komanso chokhalitsa chimathandizira kukula kwa anthu onse payekhapayekha ndipo kukulako kumabweretsa ulemu komanso chikondi chakuya."

Ndi zachilendo kumva ngati chikondi chikuzirala muubwenzi wanu. Koma ngati mwadzipereka kuwona bwenzi lanu ndi theka lanu labwinoko, mutha kusintha kugwa kwachikondi ndikubwereranso!

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Chopereka chanu sichikutanthauza chopereka chachifundo . Chidzalola Bonobology kupitiliza kukubweretserani chidziwitso chatsopano komanso chaposachedwa poyesetsa kuthandiza aliyense padziko lonse lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.

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