Malangizo 9 Akatswiri Odziwa Ngati Mnzanu Akunama Kuti Akubera

Kufalitsa chikondi

Kumbali ina, mumamva kuti china chake sichili bwino. Kumbali inayi, mawu m'mutu mwanu amakuuzani kuti mwina mukungoganiza mopambanitsa komanso kukhala wokhumudwa. Chabwino, simufunikira mphamvu zazikulu kuti mudziwe momwe mungadziwire ngati mnzanu akunama zachinyengo. Mutha kuzindikira mnzanu wabodza powona zizindikiro zoonekeratu.

Mutha kukhala ndi mamiliyoni a mafunso - Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati mnzanu akulankhula ndi wina? Kodi pali chifukwa chatsopano chomwe amagwirira ntchito mochedwa kuposa masiku ano? Kodi kubera ndi chitsanzo? Chifukwa chiyani achinyengo savomereza kulakwa kwawo? Musalole kuti nkhawa izi zikusokonezeni maganizo anu. Chinyengo m’maubwenzi n’chofala. Monga mwa a phunziro Bungwe la Institute for Family Studies, pafupifupi 20 peresenti ya amuna okwatiwa komanso pafupifupi 13 peresenti ya amayi omwe ali pabanja adanena kuti amachitira chinyengo amuna kapena akazi awo.

Popeza kusakhulupirika kumakhala kofala kwambiri, ndizachilengedwe kuti mutha kumva ngati Sherlock Holmes, kuyesa kufufuza ndikusanthula kusuntha kulikonse komwe wokondedwa wanu amapanga. Lero, tiloleni tikhale Watson wanu kuti tikuthandizeni kudziwa ngati mnzanu akunama zachinyengo. Kuti tiwunikire zambiri za zinthu zomwe amabera amanama, tinalankhula ndi mphunzitsi wamalingaliro abwino komanso oganiza bwino Pooja Priyamvada (yotsimikiziridwa mu Psychological and Mental Health First Aid yochokera kwa Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health ndi University of Sydney), yemwe amagwira ntchito yopereka uphungu wa zibwenzi kunja kwa banja, kulekana, kupatukana, chisoni, ndi kutayika, kungotchulapo zochepa chabe.

Kodi Mungadziwe Bwanji Ngati Mwamuna Wanu Akunama Kuti Akubera? 9 Malangizo a Akatswiri

M'ndandanda wazopezekamo

Katswiri wina wafilosofi Friedrich Nietzsche ananenapo kuti, “Sindikhumudwitsidwa kuti munandinamiza, ndakhumudwa kuti kuyambira pano sindikukukhulupirirani. White bodza mu maubwenzi osati kusokoneza chikhulupiriro ndi chikhulupiriro komanso zovuta kugwira poyambirira. Monga Pooja akuti, “Nkhope za poker nthawi zambiri zimakhala zabodza.

Mwafika pamalo oyenera lero ngati mukuwona ngati pali chifukwa chomveka chokayikira mnzanuyo. Tiyeni tiyike nkhaniyi lero. Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati mnzanuyo akunama kuti akubera? Nawa malangizo a akatswiri:

1. Matupi awo amazemba

Pooja ananena kuti: “Kupewa kulankhulana ndi zizindikiro zodziwikiratu za chinyengo ndi bodza.” Mnzanu amene amanama amapewa kuonana ndi munthu m’maso, kuchita zinthu zosemphana maganizo, kuchita zinthu mopupuluma, ndi kuyesetsa kupereka zifukwa zina. Milomo ya anthu imatumbuka ndipo nkhope zawo zimayera/zofiira akanama. Ngakhale amadziyerekezera kuti ndi osavuta, matupi awo amakhala ndi nkhani ina yoti anene.

Tengani mafunso ofulumira awa kuti mudziwe ngati mnzanu akunama kuti akubera:

Kodi mukuwona kukayika pakulankhula kwa mnzanu? Inde/Ayi
Kodi amaphethira mwachangu kapena amatuluka thukuta pomwe akuyesera kuti abwere ndi nkhani yodalirika yoti afotokozere zomwe amatsatira? Inde/Ayi
Kodi mwawaona akukokomeza nkhani yosavuta kapena kugwiritsa ntchito mabodza oyera? Inde/Ayi
Kodi nthawi zambiri mumapeza wokondedwa wanu akupewa kuyang'ana kwambiri m'maso mukamalankhula nanu? Inde/Ayi
Kodi akumenya m'tchire kuyesa kunama komwe ali? Inde/Ayi
Kodi mumawapeza osakhazikika kapena amanjenje akamalankhula nanu? Inde/Ayi
Kodi sakhalanso nanu? Inde/Ayi
Kodi ali ndi mbiri yonama pa zinthu zazing'ono? Inde/Ayi

Ngati mwayankha motsimikiza ku mafunso atatu kapena angapo omwe ali pamwambawa, mwayi ndi woti muli ndi mnzanu wabodza yemwe akukunyengani. Samalirani kwambiri chilankhulidwe cha thupi lawo (monga mawu awo akusweka mwadzidzidzi kapena kukhala okwera kwambiri). Kapena ngati akhala akupewa kukhudzana kwambiri ndi maso nthawi zonse.

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2. Amapereka zambiri kapena zosamveka bwino

Mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu akhoza kunama kuti akubera poyesa kupanga nkhani yabwino. Chabwino, abodza akhoza kukhala okamba nkhani. Adzakupatsirani chithunzithunzi chambiri ndikukupatsirani zambiri zankhani zawo. Adzafotokoza zonse mopepuka kotero kuti zimakhala zosamvetsetseka kuti mumvetsetse kuti atha kunama mwatsatanetsatane.

Kumbali ina, obera ena amalephera kumveketsa bwino tsatanetsatane poyesa kubisa chinyengo chawo. Akhoza kuzemba mafunso kapena kusintha nkhaniyo. Ngati wokondedwa wanu adzitchinjiriza mukawafunsa mafunso monga "Munali kuti?" chikhoza kukhala chimodzi mwa zizindikiro zomwe akunama akakumana naye kapena akuzemba kuti asagwidwe.

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3. Njira yodziwira bwenzi lonama ndikuyang'ana momwe amatetezera zida zawo

Cherly Hughes analemba m'buku lake kuti, Okondedwa ndi Okondedwa, "Chinthu chochititsa mantha kwambiri pa mabodza omwe sanaululidwe n'chakuti ali ndi mphamvu zambiri zotichepetsera ife kusiyana ndi zomwe zanenedwa." Koma mumafika bwanji ku mabodza omwe sanaululidwe mu ubale wachikondi? Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati mnzanu akubera ndikunama za izo? Nazi zizindikiro zingapo zomwe muyenera kuzisamala:

Amayamba kuteteza zida zawo mwadzidzidzi
Ngati akunama kuti akuberani, mudzawona momwe foni yawo imakhalira pansi
Amapita pakona kukatenga mafoni / Osayankha mafoni mukakhala pafupi
Amadzitchinjiriza ndi kunena mokwiya, "Kodi mungayang'ane bwanji imelo yanga?"
M'malo mwa kuulula zachinyengo kwa mnzawo, amabisa mameseji awo
Amanyamula zida zawo mozungulira ngati nthambi, kuopera kuti mungakumane ndi zomwe sakufuna kuti muchite

Ngati mnzanuyo wakhala akuwonetsa zambiri mwa zizolowezi izi, pali mwayi wabwino kuti mugwidwa ndi mabodza ambiri omwe amabodza. Onyenga samangoteteza zipangizo zawo komanso malo ena. Mwachitsanzo, “Osamangowonekera kuntchito kwanga” kapena “Hei, ili ndi phanga langa la abambo/akazi musakhudze kalikonse apa ndikulemekeza zinsinsi zanga”.

chinyengo mokakamiza ndi kunama — Kodi mnzanuyo wayamba kutengera zida zawo mwadzidzidzi?

4. Mungadziwe bwanji ngati wokondedwa wanu akubera komanso akunama? Iwo akukuuzirani inu

Kodi ndi zizindikiro zotani zomwe akunama pamene akumana naye kapena akuphika nkhani ina kuti akulepheretseni kufika ku choonadi? Mnzanu wabodza amakupangitsani kumva kuti pali vuto ndi inu. Kapena angakuneneni kuti ndinu wongopeka n’kunena zinthu monga, “N’zosatheka kukhulupirira! N'zomvetsa chisoni kuti kuyatsa gasi ndi chinthu chomwe chimatsagana ndi chinyengo komanso kunama pachibwenzi.

Amakupangitsani kumva kuti ndinu wolakwa pa zochita zawo. Zotsatira zake, mumayamba kukayikira zanzeru zanu, chifukwa simukutsimikiza ngati akunena zoona. Adzakunyengererani mpaka mudzayamba kudzikayikira. Gaslighting mu maubwenzi Ndi njira yachikale yomwe imagwiritsidwa ntchito kubisa chinyengo chokakamiza komanso kunama.

5. Pali mipata ya nthawi yachilendo muzochita zawo

Pooja akulangiza kuti: “Nayi malangizo anga onena za mmene mungadziwire ngati mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu akunama kuti akubera.” Anthu akamanamizira pa chibwenzi, pamakhala nthawi yambiri yosadziŵika bwino m’ndandanda yawo.

Kuti mudziwe ngati malingaliro anu okhudza mnzanu amene akunama ali ndi vuto lililonse, dzifunseni:

Kodi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu amakhala ndi nthawi yotanganidwa kwambiri popanda nthawi yocheza nanu?
Kodi nthawi zambiri mumamva madandaulo a kuchuluka kwa ntchito kapena kupsinjika ndi ntchito zina?
Kodi misonkhano yawo ya muofesi yakhala ikuchitika mpaka usiku?
Kodi pali zochitika zina zadzidzidzi zomwe zikuzimiririka mosadziwika bwino?
Kodi nthawi zonse amakhala ndi ntchito zoti azichita?
Kodi moyo wanu wogonana wafika poipa kwambiri posachedwapa?

Mukawaona akugwira ntchito yowonjezereka kapena akubwera kunyumba mochedwa pafupifupi usiku uliwonse chifukwa "akuthandiza mnzawo pamavuto," ikhoza kukhala imodzi mwamawu odziwika bwino omwe obera amagwiritsa ntchito kunamiza anzawo. Ngati khalidweli ndi lachilendo kapena laposachedwa, ndiye kuti pali china chake chomwe chikuchitika.

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6. Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati wokondedwa wanu akunama zachinyengo? Khalidwe losinthidwa

Mutha kuona kuti ayamba kunena kuti, “Ndimakukondani” nthawi zambiri kapena kukutumizirani mawu osavuta. Mwadzidzidzi kukupatsirani mphatso kapena zolemba zachikondi ndi njira imodzi yoti mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wabodza achotse kukayikira kwanu. Koma akunama zachinyengo? Kodi ali ndi chobisala? Kodi mungadziwe bwanji? Kodi zambiri zimadziwika bwanji?

Njira imodzi yodziwira ngati mnzanuyo akuchita kusakhulupirika ndikuwona kusintha kwa khalidwe lawo. Kodi amavala bwino ngati akufuna kusangalatsa munthu? Kapena akuyamba kudzipatula zikafika kwa achibale anu ndi anzanu? Ngati mukuganiza kuti wokondedwa wanu akubera, samalani zizindikiro izi:

Kusintha kwamakhalidwe mosadziwika bwino
Zosokoneza pakulimbana
Kuchuluka kwa shuga/chikondi ndi manja
Kunama pa zinthu zazing'ono
Mikangano yopeŵeka
Palibe nkhawa za moyo wanu

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7. Pakhalanso kusintha kwa khalidwe la anzawo kapena achibale awo

Pali zinthu zambiri zachinyengo zomwe amanama. Koma mwayi ndi wakuti wina m'moyo wawo amadziwa zonse zomwe akhala akuyesera kukubisirani. Mwina amauza bwenzi lawo lapamtima kuti alimbane ndi liwongo la woberayo lomwe likuwakulirakulira. Kapenanso mbale wawo kapena msuweni wawo amawaphimba pakafunika kutero.

Kodi mungagwire bwanji mnzanu amene akunama kuti akubera? Onani khalidwe la anzawo apamtima kapena achibale awo.

Kodi amakuchitirani mosiyana?
Kodi sakhala omasuka ali nanu?
Kodi amakupewani kapena amakukhumudwitsani?
Kodi iwo ayamba kukhala opanda chidwi ndi inu?
Kodi mumawapeza akudzipatula kapena akudzipatula kwa inu?

Ngati yankho liri inde, ndiye kuti n’chifukwa chakuti samasuka ndi choonadi.

8. Okondedwa wanu wayamba kusonyeza kusakhutira ndi chibwenzicho

Kuti timvetse chinyengo, tiyenera kumvetsa mmene onyenga amadzionera okha. Ndiye, kodi psychology yoyambitsa kubera ndi kunama ndi chiyani? Pooja akuyankha kuti: “Maganizo a maganizo amene amachititsa kubera ndi kunama ndi kukhala ndi keke yanga ndi kuidyanso. Mwina mbali zabwino za ubale wanu ndi zabwino kwambiri kotero kuti mnzanuyo sangathe kuchoka koma zikafika pazigawo zovuta, amapeza njira zopulumukira.

Kupatulapo kufuna kukhala ndi zabwino zonse padziko lapansi, kumverera kwa kusakhutira mu ubale kungakhale chimodzi mwa zifukwa zomwe zimachititsa kuti azibera. Kuti mudziwe ngati mnzanuyo akunama zachinyengo, yang'anani zizindikiro zingapo zosalunjika. Musanayambe kung’ung’udza kuti, “Mkazi wanga ananama kuti akulankhula ndi mwamuna wina, n’zosadabwitsa, akanandipanga bwanji zimenezi? funsani ngati simunamvere madandaulo ake pankhani zina zaubwenzi.

9. Ziwoneni m’mabodza ang’onoang’ono

Mumadziwa kuti mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu akunama kuti akubera pamene zolankhula zanu zimadzadza ndi mabodza ooneka ngati opanda pake. Mabodza ang'onoang'ono ndi mbendera zofiira zoyambirira muubwenzi zomwe simuyenera kunyalanyaza. Posakhalitsa, mabodza ooneka ngati ang'onoang'ono nthawi zambiri amasanduka mabodza akulu. Kodi anakuuzani kuti samawonerera zolaula koma munamugwira tsiku lina labwino? Kapena anakuuzani kuti anasiya kusuta koma mumamva kununkhira pa malaya ake pamene mukuchapa?

Ngati muwona zochitika zing'onozing'ono za kusaona mtima, kumbukirani kuti si zazing'ono. Komanso, chochita ngati kusiyana kung'ono ngati kuli bodza lalikulu, monga kubera? Pooja akuti, "Atsutsane nawo ndi choonadi. Iyi ndi njira yokhayo yothetsera vutoli. Komanso, lembani zolemba. Nkhani zabodza nthawi zambiri zimatsutsana pamene wokondedwa wanu akunama ndikukupusitsani."

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Kodi Mungatani Ngati Mnzanu Akunama Kuti Akubera?

Tsopano popeza mwakumana ndi zovuta kuzindikira, ndi nthawi yoti muganizire zomwe muyenera kuchita panthawiyi muubwenzi wanu. Pakali pano, mungamve ngati muli pamphambano. Mbali ina ya inu ikufuna kuchoka, ndipo ina ikufuna kuti amve chisoni ndi kukonza nanu. Kunama za chibwenzi kumatha kukusokonezani nonse. Koma ngakhale mukuzunzidwa ndi zonsezi, izi ndi zomwe mungachite:

Kambani nawo: Mukakumana ndi wachinyengo, onetsetsani kuti mwasankha nthawi ndi malo oyenera. Komanso, onetsetsani kuti muli ndi umboni ndipo mulankhule nawo modekha komanso osalowerera ndale. Komanso, khalani okonzeka m'maganizo kuti akane zonena zanu. M’mabanja, nthawi zina amuna kapena akazi amene amabera ndi kunama amaona kuti n’zosavuta kufotokoza momveka bwino kusiyana n’kukhala pachibwenzi
Vomerezani zolakwa zanu: Kukambirana kotere kudzataya zambiri mikangano ya ubale za zinthu zina. Ngati akukuimbani mlandu chifukwa chakuti ananamizira chinyengo, musalole kuti akukanizeni zolakwa zawo. Koma ngati zinthu sizikuyenda bwino muubwenzi wanu, tengeraninso zolakwa zanu
Auzeni kuti mukuona kuti simukulemekezedwa: Mwamuna akamanamiza mnzake, kapena mkazi akakhala ndi chibwenzi, kuposa china chilichonse, mnzakeyo amaona kuti sakulemekezedwa. Onetsetsani kuti mnzanuyo akudziwa kuti simukulemekezani kapena akukugwiritsani ntchito. Adziwitseni kuti sayeneranso kukunyozani mwanjira yoteroyo
Khalani ndi chisankho: Tengani nthawi kuti musankhe komwe mukufuna kupita kuchokera kumeneko. Kodi mukufuna kugwira ntchito pazinthu, kapena mukufuna kuzichoka? Musawalole kuti azikukhudzani, ndipo lolani ichi chikhale chosankha chaumwini pa zomwe mukufuna kuchita ndi moyo wanu
Yesani uphungu wa maanja: Ngati mwaganiza kuti munthuyu ndi bwenzi lanu la moyo wanu ndipo ndinu wokonzeka kumukhululukira, uphungu udzakuthandizani inu nonse kuti muyende bwino ndikuchotsa mikangano yotsalira kapena malingaliro. Yesetsani kupeza chithandizo chamankhwala ndikugwira ntchito pa ubale wanu

Ngakhale kuti ndizovuta kwambiri kuti muyambe kusakhulupirika muubwenzi wanu, sizikutanthauza kuti inu ndi mnzanuyo simungafike mbali ina. Ngati mukukhulupirira kuti pamapeto pake akunena zoona, ndiye kuti zonse zikhala bwino posachedwa. Tengani nthawi ndikuwalola kuti akonzenso chikhulupiriro, ngati mwadzipereka kukhala nawo. Ngati sichoncho, ndiye kuti palibe vuto kukhala mbeta kwakanthawi.

Zolozera Mfungulo

Kuti muwone zizindikiro za wabodza komanso wachinyengo, muyenera kuzindikira kusintha kwakung'ono kwambiri kwa bwenzi lanu.
Momwe mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu amalankhulirani, mawonekedwe a thupi lawo, kamvekedwe kawo, maso awo, ndi kusayang'anani kwambiri ndi inu zonse zitha kukhala zongopeka chabe za mabodza awo.
Mukhozanso kudziwa momwe mungadziwire ngati wina akunama kuti akubera malemba
Kusewera masewera olakwa, kumenyana, kupanga nkhani zopanda malire, kukupatsani nthawi yochepa, ndikuwonetsa kusakhutira ndi chiyanjano ndi zina mwa zizindikiro zomwe muyenera kuzisamala.
M’malo monyalanyaza kapena kupeputsa nkhaniyo, kambiranani ndi mnzanuyo

Pomaliza, kusakhulupirika kumapweteketsa mtima ndipo kungakusiyeni kudzidalira kwanu ndikukusokonezani ndi nkhani zokhulupirira moyo wanu wonse. Kulimbana ndi chinthu choterocho kumafuna kuchiritsidwa pamlingo wozama. Kufunafuna thandizo la akatswiri kumakhala kufunikira kwa ola muzochitika zotere. Zathu alangizi ochokera ku gulu la Bonobology, monga Pooja Priyamvada, akugwira dzanja lanu paulendowu.

Nkhaniyi idasinthidwa mu Julayi 2023.

Ibibazo

1. Kodi mungadziwe bwanji ngati mnzanu wachita chinyengo?

Kupewa kuyang'ana m'maso, kusewera ndi zinthu, kugwira nkhope, kutseka pakamwa kungakhale ena mwa mawu osalankhula omwe amatanthauza kunama. Komanso, ngati agwiritsa ntchito matchulidwe ocheperako ngati “Ine” kapena “ife,” ichi ndi chizindikiro chodziwikiratu kuti mwina akubisirani zinazake.

2. Kodi anthu achinyengo amachita chiyani akakumana ndi anthu achinyengo?

Izi zimatha kusiyana kuchokera pakuchita mwamakani mpaka kukana kotheratu. Zina mwa zinthu zodabwitsa zomwe onyenga amanena akakumana nazo ndi: Zinali zakuthupi chabe, osati zamaganizo. Zinalibe kanthu. Izo sizinatanthauze kalikonse kwa ine. Anandinyengerera.

3. Kodi munganyenge munthu wachinyengo kuti aulule?

Osati kwenikweni, kunyenga muubwenzi wosokonezeka kale sikungagwire ntchito. Komabe, mutha kukumana nawo ndi zowona monga zithunzi, zolemba za zokambirana, misonkhano, ndi zina zambiri ngati muli nazo.

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Zopereka zanu sizikupanga zachifundo Mphatso. Zilola kuti Bonobology ipitilize kukubweretserani zidziwitso zatsopano komanso zaposachedwa pakufuna kwathu kuthandiza aliyense padziko lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.