Kunena zoona, amuna nthawi zambiri amakhala ndi makhalidwe oipa monga kukana kutsata zinthu zina zazikulu monga kunyoza ndi kunyoza. Koma chimodzi mwazinthu zosapiririka kwambiri ndikukakamira ndikuzindikira kuti 'mwamuna wanga akuganiza kuti sachita cholakwika chilichonse'.
Mukuganiza kuti si chinthu chachikulu chotero? Funsani mkazi amene ayenera kupirira kunyada kwa mwamuna wonenepa kumene kumayambitsa chikhulupiriro champhamvu chakuti iwo ali olondola nthaŵi zonse ndipo sangachite chirichonse cholakwika! Akhoza kukudulani, osakhala ndi malingaliro otsutsa, nthawi zonse amalamulira zokambirana, ndikukana kukumverani.
Poyamba, sizingakhale bwino koma akamachita izi NTHAWI ZONSE mukamacheza, funso laling'ono lidzabwera m'mutu mwanu - 'N'chifukwa Chiyani Mwamuna Wanga Amaganiza Kuti Salakwa?'
Nchiyani Chimachititsa Mwamuna Kuganiza Kuti Palibe Cholakwika?
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
Ngati mukulimbana ndi kuzindikira kuti 'mwamuna wanga akuganiza kuti sakuchita cholakwika chilichonse', ndiye kuti mwachibadwa mumafunitsitsa kupeza yankho la nkhaniyi, zomwe mwina zapangitsa kuti pakhale ubale wopotoka. Kaŵirikaŵiri njira yothetsera vutoli imakhala pakupeza gwero la vutolo. Kuphunzira mmene mungachitire ndi mwamuna amene ali wolondola nthaŵi zonse sikuli kosiyana. Tiyeni tiwone zomwe zimapangitsa mwamuna kuganiza kuti sakuchita cholakwika:
- Wokonda Ungwiro: Umunthu wosalakwa nthawi zambiri umachokera ku kufunikira kokhala wangwiro nthawi zonse. Ngati mwamuna wanu ali wofuna kuchita zinthu mosalakwitsa kalikonse, angakupeze kukhala kovuta kuvomereza kuti iye akulakwa chifukwa chimenecho chingakhale chofanana ndi kuvomereza zophophonya, kutanthauza kuti iye si wangwiro. Kwa munthu amene kudzidalira kwake kwathunthu kumadalira momwe aliri opanda chilema, izi zingakhale zosamvetsetseka
- Narcissist: Ngati muli ndi mwamuna narcissistic, yankho la zimene zimam’pangitsa kuganiza kuti palibe cholakwika chilichonse n’logwirizana kwambiri ndi umunthu wake. Pamenepa, angakhulupirire ndi mtima wonse kuti salakwa, ndipo zimenezo zingakuchititseni kuganiza kuti ‘mwamuna wanga amatanthauzira molakwa zonse zimene ndikunena’.
- Njira yachitetezo: Mwamuna wanu akapanda kuvomereza kuti akulakwitsa, ingakhalenso njira yoti adzibisire kukayikira kwake komanso kusatetezeka kwake. Ndi njira yokhayo yodzitetezera yomwe amagwiritsa ntchito kubisa zomwe akuwona kuti ndi zolakwa zake
- Kudziyang'anira pansi: Mwamuna amene amadziona kuti ndi wosafunika angakhalenso ndi khalidwe loipa. Amaopa kuwonedwa ngati wofooka kapena wolakwa ngati avomereza kuti akulakwitsa
- Mavuto a ubwana: Ngati mukuyenera kuthana ndi mwamuna yemwe nthawi zonse amakhala wolondola, wopalamulayo angakhale nkhani zaubwana zomwe sizingathetsedwe. N’kutheka kuti anali wosakondedwa ali mwana kapena sanayamikire kapena kutamandidwa m’zaka zake zaubwana. Iye waphunzira kudziuza kuti sanalakwe kubwezera zolakwa zimenezi
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Kodi Mumatani Ndi Mwamuna Amene Akuganiza Kuti Salakwa?
Monga momwe mwawonera, zifukwa za malingaliro odziwa zonsezi zitha kukhala zambiri, koma chofunikira kwambiri ndikuzindikira zomwe zimakuchitirani pamapeto pake. Kukhala wolondola nthawi zonse kumatanthauza kuti amalankhula nanu. Zimasonyeza ndithu kusatetezeka, kulephera kulolera malingaliro osiyanasiyana, ndipo nthaŵi zina, ngakhale vuto laukali. Tonse timadziwa zimene mikhalidwe imeneyi ingachite m’banja. Komabe, mukuganiza kuti si vuto lalikulu?
Kukhala ndi mwamuna amene amadziona kuti ndi mphatso ya Mulungu ya ukwati kumafuna luso lapadera limene lingaphatikizepo kumusonyeza malo ake mobisa, kupereka umboni wakuti sangakhale wolondola pa chilichonse, ndipo chofunika kwambiri n’chakuti, osamulola kuti apezeke.
Ngati ndinu mkazi yemwe amayenera kukumana ndi kuzindikira kosalekeza kuti 'mwamuna wanga akuganiza kuti sakuchita cholakwika', mutha kukumana ndi zovuta zambiri. Zomwe tili nazo m'munsimu ndizovuta zomwe amayi amakumana nazo m'mabanja osagwirizana ndi njira zothanirana ndi anthu otere:
1. Mwamuna wanga amanditembenuzira chilichonse
Mwana wanu wazaka 8 wosagoletsa bwino kusukulu? Ndi chifukwa chakuti simungathe kuthera nthawi kwa iye. Kapinga wakutsogolo sunametedwe? Ndi chifukwa simungathe kugwira ntchito iliyonse. Kodi muli ndi vuto ndi usiku kwambiri kuntchito? Ndi chifukwa chakuti simungathe kuyendetsa bwino nthawi yanu.
Vuto lililonse limayamba ndikutha ndi inu, sichoncho? Mukayesa kudzifotokozera nokha, zimatembenuza malingaliro onse pamutu pake, ndikukusiyani mukumverera kuti 'mwamuna wanga amatanthauzira molakwika chilichonse chomwe ndikunena'. Kodi mukudziwa chifukwa chake ali wopanda ulemu chonchi? Ndi chifukwa alipo toxicity mu ubale wanu zomwe mwina munakana kuzivomereza pachiyambi. Amadziwa kuti akhoza kungokuimbani mlandu pa chilichonse.
Kodi munapangitsa khalidweli mobisa posamuwongolera kuyambira tsiku loyamba? Dziwitsani pang'ono za chizolowezi cha mwamuna wanu kutembenuza chilichonse pa inu. Mwinamwake mungazindikire kuti khalidweli linayamba kale musanayambe kuzindikira kuti amakonda kuyika chirichonse pa inu.
2. Ndimachita chilichonse kwa mwamuna wanga ndipo sandichitira chilichonse
Ndi zachibadwa kwa inu kumva kunyozedwa chifukwa ndinu wopatsa ndipo iye ndi wolandira. Anthu amene ali ndi chizolowezi choganiza kuti sangachite chilichonse cholakwika amakhala ndi maganizo oti ali ndi ufulu wochita zinthu mwachibadwa ndipo ndi aulesi. Mwachibadwa amayembekeza kuti mukhale pakamwa pake.
Rachel, yemwe anakwatiwa ndi wokondedwa wake wakusekondale, wayamba kuzindikira kuti mwamuna wake amachita zinthu ngati mwana wamwamuna. Kuyambira kupeza masokosi ake m'mawa mpaka kumuyika chakudya patebulo usiku, amapeza zosowa zake zonse komanso kuyang'anira ntchito yanthawi zonse ndi ana. Kuzindikira kwake kudangomukhudza pomwe adadwala chimfine choyipa zaka zingapo zapitazo.
Mwamuna wake anangokana kumsamalira ngakhalenso kugwira ntchito zapakhomo. Iye anati: “Kuposa kutentha thupi ndi kuzizira, ndinkakhumudwa kwambiri chifukwa ndimachitira mwamuna wanga chilichonse ndipo iye sandichitira chilichonse.
Umu ndi momwe zimagwirira ntchito mosafanana. Mumasamalira zofuna za mwamuna wanu, osazindikira kuti mukupeza kachidutswa kakang'ono. Penapake mumayamba kuyembekezera zinthu zomwezo pobwezera. Ndipamene mumazindikira kuti mwasintha pang'ono muubwenzi wopanda chilungamowu.
Nayi njira ina: Nthawi iliyonse mukafuna kumuchitira zinazake, lembani. Kumapeto kwa mwezi, yerekezerani zimene wakuchitirani. Kodi pali kusalinganika? Zimenezo zidzasonyezanso ukwati wanu. Ikhoza kukulimbikitsani kuchitapo kanthu zowongolera.
3. Pa mkangano uliwonse, ndimamva kuti ndikuwukiridwa
Chabwino, mwachibadwa chifukwa iye ndi narcissist amene amafuna kulamulira zokambirana ndi kupanga zonse za iye mwini. Kumva kuti 'mwamuna wanga amanditenga ngati kuti ndilibe kanthu' si nthano chabe, monga momwe mwamuna wanu angapangire kuti mukhulupirire.
Muyenera kuphunzira kuganizira mmene mukumvera pambuyo pa kumenyana. Mudzamva kuwawa koma dzifunseni nokha – kodi ndi kudzikonda kwanu komwe kumayang'anira kapena mtima wanu? Ngati ndiwe wodzikonda, mumayamba kukangana ndikukhala wolimbana, zomwe zimawonjezera kumverera kuti mwavulazidwa kapena kuukiridwa. Ngati uli mtima wanu, mudzakhala mukulamulira khalidwe lanu.
Dziwani ngati mumasamala za mawu ake owoneka ngati opweteka. Ngati simusamala ndipo mukuyamwabe kutentha kwakanthawi, zikutanthauza kuti simukulamulira. Ngati simusamala, zisakhale ndi vuto kwa inu. Chokani pa mpikisanowo.
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4. Kodi ndi bwino kupangitsa mwamuna wanu kuzindikira kuti akulakwitsa?
Erm… inde! Koma chonde teroni ndi chidziwitso. Kumvetsa kuti ngati wanu mwamuna wake amachita zopusa, nkhanu, wosamvetsetseka, ndi wokangana, akuyesa kutsimikizira kudzidalira kwake ndi kufunika kwake mwa kukhala wouma khosi. Zimachokera ku kufunikira kwake kukhala ndi mawu omaliza chifukwa inde, 'mwamuna wanga akuganiza kuti sachita cholakwika chilichonse' chomwe muli nacho m'matumbo anu.
Izi ndi zomwe mungachite, malinga ndi mphunzitsi wa moyo Susan Riley, "Inu mungomvetsera, kapena munganene kuti, 'Kodi mungafotokozenso chifukwa ndikufuna kumva zambiri za izo?' Izi zimatsimikizira maganizo awo chifukwa ndi njira yabwino kwambiri yolankhulira.
Mukayamba kumumvetsera, mumakhala ndi mwayi womuuza mbali yanu. Kaya asankha kumvera kapena kuchokapo ndiye kusankha kwake ndipo muyenera kukhazikitsa mtendere ndi icho. Ngakhale zili choncho, ndi bwino kupangitsa mwamuna wanu kuzindikira kuti akulakwitsa pomupatsa 'mankhwala odekha'.
5. Kodi ndimamuthandiza bwanji mwamuna wanga kuzindikira kufunika kwanga?
Yankho losavuta ndiloti simungathe. Zomwe zimatifikitsa ku funso lachiwiri, lofunika kwambiri: chifukwa chiyani muyenera? Mwamuna amene amaona kuti palibe cholakwika chilichonse, nthawi zonse amakuonani kuti ndinu wochepa kwa iye. Kungoti amadziona ngati woposa wina aliyense – inu, iye, abwana ake, abale ake.
Ndicho chifukwa iye amachita momwe iye amachitira. Khalidweli limabwera chifukwa choopa kunyozedwa komanso kunyozedwa. Mfungulo ndikusatengera izi panokha. Sizikukhudza inu. Zimawonetsa kufunikira kwawo kuti achite ngati atsika kuchokera kumwamba kudzakongoletsa moyo wanu.
Vuto ndilakuti anthu otere ndi odzaza ndi kufunikira kotsimikiziridwa kuti ndi olondola kotero kuti sangazindikire kufunikira kwanu ngakhale zitatsimikiziridwa kuti ndizolakwika. Khama lanu liyenera kukhala lokhalabe olamulira pamene iye akutaya wake. Dzilemekezeni.
6. Kodi ndimadekha bwanji akakana kumvera?
Mel Robbins, mphunzitsi wodalirika, ali ndi malangizo othandiza kuthana ndi munthu yemwe amakhala wokwiya nthawi zonse, akuyesera kukuikirani mlandu ndikutsimikizira kuti palibe cholakwika chilichonse. “Pamene akupita patsogolo, yerekezerani akutaya zinyalala zomwe simuyenera kuzilola kuti zifike kwa inu.”
Chotero m’malo mokopeka ndi misalayo, pita pambali ndiyeno modekha funsani kuti ‘Kodi pali china chilichonse?’ Adzalavula utsi wambiri. Apatseni mwayi wambiri. Akamaliza, angakumvereni. Ndipo pamene mukuyankhula, mphamvu idzasunthira kwa inu. Panthawi imeneyi, mukhoza kuyamba ndi nkhaniyo.
Njira yake ndiyo kuwasiya amalize kenako n’kubwereza mfundo zina zimene anena m’nkhani yawo. Sankhani chinthu chomwe sichinamveke bwino ndikuthetsa mkangano wawo ndi mfundo. Pambuyo pake, zili kwa iwo kuti avomereze kapena ayi (makamaka sangavomereze). Iyi ndi imodzi mwa njira zogwira mtima kwambiri zochitira ndi mwamuna yemwe nthawi zonse amakhala wolondola.
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7. Kodi ndimapirira bwanji akamanena kuti akunena zoona?
Mwamuna wanga amanditenga ngati ndilibe kanthu, nditani? Musamayembekezere kusewera kulikonse mwachilungamo, kuvomerezana kapena kuvomereza zolakwika paubwenzi wotero. Kufunika kwawo kutsimikiziridwa kumadyetsa ego yawo yofooka kotero kuti simungathe kupita kwa mwamuna yemwe akuganiza kuti sakuchita cholakwika chilichonse.
Ndi ubale wovuta kuusunga koma mutha kuyesa, choyamba, osadalira pa iye chifukwa cha kudzikonda kwanu. Kachiwiri, khalani ndi mawu ena ofotokozera - ntchito yabwino, abwenzi, kusinkhasinkha, kulemba magazini, kukhala ochita masewera olimbitsa thupi, kuyankhula ndi wansembe wanu kapena mlangizi wanu.
Lingaliro ndilo kukhala ndi kudzikonda kwambiri kotero kuti kufunikira kwa mwamuna wanu kukhala wolondola nthawi zonse ndi wolamulira zisakukhudzeni. Mukasiya kusamala, kukhudzidwa kwa mawu ake sikungotha, komanso kukupatsani luso lotha kuwona kupyola pa façade.
8. Nkaambo nzi ncotweelede kumuyanda kapati?
Inde, zingakhale zokhumudwitsa ngati mwamuna wanu savomereza kuti akulakwitsa. Koma kukhala wozizira, kutali kapena kudzipatula mwina sizingakhale ndi zotsatirapo pa iye. Ngati muwonetsa kuti zochita zake sizikukhudzani, ndiye kuti zimamuyambitsa. Koma zoipa. Izi zitha kapena sizingamutumize modzidzimutsa koma sizingamupangitse kuda nkhawa kuti akutayani.
Vuto ndiloti, ngakhale akuda nkhawa, mlandu udzakhala pa inu chifukwa amateteza kwambiri. Mudzagwidwanso munjira ya 'mwamuna wanga amatanthauzira molakwika zonse zomwe ndikunena'. Angagwiritsenso ntchito umenewu ngati mpata wakunyozani kuti asonyeze kuti akunena zoona. Njira imodzi yopewera ndi kugwiritsa ntchito fomu ya mafunso.
Pamene mufuna kusonyeza kulakwa kwake ndi mmene zimenezo zikukukhudzirani, m’malo monena kuti ‘Zimene mwanenazo zinali zosayenera ndi zamwano,’ nenani, ‘Kodi ukuganiza kuti wanena mawu okhumudwitsa? Pomupangitsa kuti azisinkhasinkha, mukubwezera mpirawo m'bwalo lake.
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9. Nkaambo nzi ncotweelede kubikkila maano mucikwati cangu?
Kudos! Kusintha kwa 'mwamuna wanga akuganiza kuti sakuchita cholakwika chilichonse' ndikuzindikira kuti 'ndiyenera kutero pangani malire' zimachokera ku mfundo yoti mukudziwa kuti mwalola kuti mwamuna wanu azilamulira inu.
Mofanana ndi makhalidwe onse oipa, udindo wosankha malire anu uli pa inu. Mwamuna wanu akatsimikiziridwa kuti analakwa, kodi mungafune kuti akupepeseni? Kapena kodi mungafune kuti azichita zinthu mosabwerezabwereza, motero n’kupeŵa kukambirana zinthu zokhumudwitsa?
Dzifunseni kuti mukulolera mpaka pati kuti mukhalebe ogwirizana mu maubwenzi chifukwa palibe malire pomwe mnzanu wodzikonda angapite kuti adzipangitse kukhala wamkulu. Ndipo m'mutu mwake, anthu amphamvu, apamwamba amakhala olondola nthawi zonse!
Vuto pochita ndi anthu okangana ndi loti kufunikira kwawo kuvomerezedwa ndikwambiri kotero kuti nthawi zambiri samadandaula ndi zenizeni ndi umboni. Ngakhale atatero, amayesetsa kuzipotoza kuti zigwirizane ndi zomwe akufuna. Kukhala ndi mwamuna yemwe akuganiza kuti sangachite cholakwika chilichonse ndizovuta koma mukangofotokozera zomwe muli bwino nazo ndi zomwe simunachite, zimakhala zosavuta kupeza bwino.
Zopereka zanu sizikupanga zachifundo Mphatso. Zilola kuti Bonobology ipitilize kukubweretserani zidziwitso zatsopano komanso zaposachedwa pakufuna kwathu kuthandiza aliyense padziko lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.
