Amaphutha Angu-11 Ajwayelekile Kakhulu Ongawagwema

Akekho ophelele. Ngakho-ke, ubudlelwano abukwazi ukuphelela, akunjalo? Abantu bayabheda ngaso sonke isikhathi. Ngezinye izikhathi, baqhubeka benza amaphutha obudlelwane obufanayo kaninginingi. Njengawo wonke amanye ama-movie ohambweni lwesikhathi, kufanele uphile ngalo lolo suku ngokuphinda, kuze kube yilapho usulungile. Kodwa uthola kanjani kahle? Ingabe ikhona incwadi yokuqondisa okufanele ubhekisele kuyo lapho umuntu engena ebudlelwaneni? Yebo ikhona. Futhi nakhu okwenzekayo...Funda kulawa maphutha enziwa ngokuvamile ebudlelwaneni ukuze uzame konke okusemandleni akho ukuze uzisindise ebuhlungwini benhliziyo!

Njengoba indaba yobudlelwano obungenampilo iyinkimbinkimbi futhi izixazululo ziyinselele, sizinquma ngosizo lwe-psychotherapist. UDkt. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), osebenza ngokukhethekile ekululekeni ngobudlelwano kanye neRational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Uhlanganyela ngokubona okunokuqonda, okuhlakaniphile okuvela ekusebenzeni kwakhe njengomelaphi wobudlelwane ukuze akusize uqonde ukuthi ungagwema kanjani amanye amaphutha obudlelwano ajwayelekile.

Amaphutha Angu-11 Ajwayelekile Kakhulu Ongawagwema

Mhlawumbe uthatha umlingani wakho kalula. Noma ukungenzi lutho-nolaka nabo. Mhlawumbe awukwazi ukubeka imingcele enempilo. Noma ubuza ubudlelwano bakho kakhulu. Mhlawumbe awuzazi ngisho nalezi zinselele. Uma uthola izindlela zokwethembeka kuwena, kuzokusiza uqonde ubudlelwano bakho kangcono.

Ngakho, esikhundleni sokuthola amaphutha emhlabeni, ake sizibuze, yini esingayenza kahle? Singabathuthukisa kanjani ozakwethu? Imaphi amaphutha obudlelwane okumelwe sibagweme? Nazi izimpendulo zemibuzo enjalo. Okunikezwe ngezansi amaphutha angu-11 ajwayelekile kakhulu obudlelwane ongakwazi ukuwaWWAMA:

1. Ukuzama ukushintsha umlingani wakho

UDkt Bhonsle ikubeka kahle kakhulu lapho ithi, “Isiqhwaga singumuntu onobuthi kunabo bonke esingaba naye. Njengoba ebeka, ukungamvumeli umlingani wakho abe ngumuntu wakhe kuyefana nokumhlukumeza.

Ngakho-ke, elinye lamaphutha obudlelwano bokuqala elingaphenduka kalula libe iphethini - ukubona umlingani wakho *njengomuntu odinga ukulungiswa*. Asikhulumi ngomkhuba wabo wokungasibeki phansi isihlalo sendlu yangasese. Kodwa, sikhathazeke kakhulu lapha mayelana nokuthi uzama ukuguqula umuntu ngokuyisisekelo futhi silindele ukumbumba ngokwemibono yakho yokuthi umlingani ofanelekile kufanele abe yini. 

Uma kukhona okukukhathazayo ngaye, ungaveza imibono yakho ngokusobala kodwa ukuzama ukuphoqelela ukuziphatha kwakho kuyo akulungile. Isibonelo, uma ukwenyanya ukuthi bayabhema, bayabhema, noma bayaphuza, ungabazisa. Kodwa-ke, isinqumo sokuyeka noma cha ngesabo, hhayi esakho.

2. Elinye lamaphutha obudlelwano ajwayeleke kakhulu - Ukuveza okwedlule kuwo

Kunesisho esihle esithi: “Uma ungakaze ululame kulokho okukulimazile, uyopha kubantu abangazange bakunqume. Akulula ukwedlula ubudlelwano obuqinile nomuntu owayethandana naye. Eqinisweni, a Ucwaningo (ethathwe abantu abayi-1,000) ibonise ukuthi abantu abashadile nabo bathathekile. Cishe izingxenye ezimbili kwezintathu zababambiqhaza bavuma ukuthi owayekade ehlala ehlala esemqondweni wabo kaningi, futhi u-36% wathi ukunamathela kwabo kowayeshade naye kwaphazamisa umshado wabo.

Elinye lamaphutha adume kabi ebudlelwaneni bothando ukuthwala imithwalo yesikhathi esidlule bese uwulahla kumlingani wakho wamanje. Kufanele uzikhumbuze ukuthi wonke umuntu uhlukile futhi kufanele uyeke ukulindela njalo ukuthi umlingani wakho afanelane nomunye umuntu. Lokhu kuzobashiya bekhungathekile futhi begcwele ukungabaza. Ngakho, njengoba u-Oprah Winfrey ebeka, “Phefumula. Yekela. Futhi zikhumbuze ukuthi wona kanye lo mzuzu yiwona kuphela owaziyo ukuthi unawo ngokuqinisekile.”

3. Ukuyiphuthuma

Ucwaningo ukhombisile ukuthi ukuthatha izinto kancane kuholela ebudlelwaneni obujulile obungokomzwelo. Ucwaningo luveza ukuthi ukugijimela ebudlelwaneni bocansi kungabuphazamisa esikhundleni sokuholela emiphumeleni emihle. Ukuyithatha kancane kunenzuzo empeleni (Ngiyazi ukuthi kudinga ukuzithiba okukhulu, kodwa kuzofaneleka).

Ukudonsa igiya lesihlanu ezigabeni zokuqala kungenye yamaphutha obudlelwano bokuqala. Hhayi, thatha kancane. Ungabi sína kakhulu, maduzane. Ivumele iguquke ngokwendalo ibe into enhle nehlala isikhathi eside. Ungabeki umlingani wakho endaweni ngokuveza ikusasa, kaningi, ngaphambi kokuba alungele ukuyisa izinto ezingeni elilandelayo. Kunalokho, thola izindlela zokubhekana nokukhathazeka kobudlelwane.

Kufanele uphile okwamanje futhi ujabulele okwamanje. Ngeke uphinde ukuthole! Uma ubuchopho bakho obucabanga ngokweqile buholela ekubuzeni imibuzo enjengokuthi “Kungenzekani uma singagcini sisedolobheni elifanayo eminyakeni emihlanu?” noma “Kuthiwani uma imindeni yethu ingezwani, eminyakeni eyisishiyagalombili kusukela manje?”, ngicela UYEKE! Adonse umoya kakhulu.

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Uyazi ukuthi kwenzekani ngokujwayelekile. Impilo ayihlali ihamba ngokohlelo. Ungase uzilungiselele izinkinga ezithile zokucabanga kuphela ukuze uzithole ubhekene nesethi ehlukile yezinkinga ngokuphelele - lezo ongazange uzibone zisiza! Isibonelo, ulokhu ukhathazekile ngokuthi abazali bakho ngeke bayivume inkolo yomlingani wakho eminyakeni edlule. Futhi buphela kanjani ubuhlobo? Umlingani wakho ugcina ekukopela. Awuyibonanga iza, akunjalo? Ngakho yeka ngakho konke ukuhlela.

4. Ukuba umlutha wokulwa

Ukulwa kumayelana nokuziphatha okushisayo nokubanda. UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Impilo ayiyona ingoma ka-Katy Perry”, futhi angikwazanga ukuvuma okwengeziwe. Ukungaguquguquki ekuziphatheni kuyinkomba yobudlelwano obunempilo. Ubudlelwano obunobuthi buyashintshashintsha phakathi kokuba nothando bese uyahosha.

Yebo, kuwumlutha! Uma seniqala ukuxabana ngayo yonke into encane, akusekho ukubuyela emuva. Ngenza iphutha ebudlelwaneni bami futhi ngalahlekelwa uthando lwami. Ngaba umlutha weDRAMA elahlwe uNkulunkulu. Bengikuthanda ukumcasukela. Futhi ngangivame ukukuthanda lapho ezama ukwenza kimi. Ubani ongaluthandi ucansi lwama-make-up olunzima? Ngaqala ukuthanda ubuthi, nginganakile.

Ngithembe, ungaweli kulolu gibe. Leli elinye lamaphutha obudlelwano okufanele uwagweme ngazo zonke izindlela. Ngeke nje kubulale uthando kodwa futhi kuzokushiya uzizwa ungelutho futhi ukhathele ngokomzwelo ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Ngakho-ke, ngaso sonke isikhathi lapho ulingeka ukuba usho okuthile ongeke ukwazi ukukuphendula kamuva, luma ulimi lwakho, futhi umelane nesifiso.

5. Ukungakwazi ukudala ibhalansi

Ucwaningo iveza ukuthi ibhalansi yempilo yokusebenza enephutha iphumela ebudlelwaneni bomuntu siqu. Abantu bavame ukusebenza ngokweqile, bacindezeleke bese bekhipha konke kubalingani babo. Ngakho-ke, elinye lamaphutha obudlelwano amabi kakhulu umuntu awenzayo ukungakwazi ukuthola ukulingana okufanele. Ubudlelwano buyaphazamiseka uma kukhona ukungalingani. Umsebenzi nobudlelwano, umndeni nobudlelwano, abangani nobudlelwano, isikhathi sami kanye nobudlelwano…uhlu luyahamba. Ukuze uthole lokho kulinganisela, kufanele ubeke ngokucophelela umzamo ebuhlotsheni, akwenzeki nje.

Ubudlelwano obuhle buvele bube bubi, ngenxa yokuntuleka kokuphatha isikhathi kanye namakhono amabi okuhlela. Ukwenza yonke into ngenani elifanele kuyimfihlo yokuthokoza epharadesi lakho lothando. Ukuchitha isikhathi esiningi nozakwenu kanye nokuzingcwabela emsebenzini ukuze ugweme ukubhekana nokunganaki kobudlelwano bakho kokubili kuyizibonelo zamaphutha obudlelwano obujwayelekile. Udinga ukuzigwema ngokucindezela umugqa wokulinganisa. 

6. Amaphutha obudlelwane okufanele uwagweme - Ukulindela okuningi kakhulu

Umlingisi uJeff Bridges wake wathi, “Empilweni nasemafilimini, kuyinselele efanayo, lapho usuke ulindele khona, futhi ugcina usesimweni esingahambisani nalokho okulindele. Ngakho-ke, uma ulindele ukuthi umlingani wakho abe isithandwa sakho, umama wakho, umngane wakho omkhulu, umeluleki wakho, konke ngesikhathi esifanayo, wenza elinye lamaphutha obudlelwane avame kakhulu.

Ukungabeki okulindelekile ngokweqiniso kungenye ye izinselelo zobudlelwano cishe wonke umuntu okufanele abhekane nazo. Njalo ngezikhathi ezithile, zikhumbuze ukuthi umlingani wakho ungomunye nje umuntu futhi akayona into ethile yaphezulu engakwazi ukwenza amaphutha. Elinye lamaphutha ebudlelwaneni okufanele uligweme wukungathetheleli amaphutha omlingani wakho.

Ungawalungisa kanjani amaphutha adlule ebuhlotsheni? Hamba kalula kumlingani wakho futhi ube nesineke kuye. kuzoholela ekwanelisekeni kobudlelwane obungcono. Futhi ucwaningo uveze ukuthi ukwaneliseka kobudlelwane obungcono kuhlotshaniswa nempilo engcono engokwengqondo. Ngakho zenzele wena uma ungathandi ukubenzela. Kuyisimo sokunqoba, akunjalo?

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7. Ukungalaleli ngokwanele

Art Rios encwadini yakhe, Masikhulume: …Mayelana nokwenza Impilo Yakho Ijabulise, Ibelula, Futhi Ikhetheke, iveza ngokufanelekile, “Lapho ngicabangela abantu engibathandayo, imfanelo iningi labo elihlanganyela kuyo ukuthi bayizilaleli ezinhle kakhulu. Ungababona ngokoqobo belalela. Uyabona ukuthi nabo bayacabanga, futhi ngemva kokuba sebecabangile, bamnikeze impendulo kumuntu abakhuluma naye. Ukulalela kuyikhono elibaluleke ngendlela emangalisayo, futhi ukulalela kahle kuwubuciko. Okudinga isiyalo esikhulu.”

Uqhubeka athi, “Kwabaningi bethu, ngaso sonke isikhathi sifuna ukungena emaphethelweni, lokho esinomuzwa wokuthi kubaluleke kakhulu ukukusho. Nokho, uma besingafunda ukulalela ngaphezu kokukhuluma, singaba nezingxoxo ezingcono futhi sakhe ukuxhumana okujulile. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bekuyoba kuncane ukungezwani emhlabeni.”

I-Art Rios yenza umqondo ophelele. Ukuntuleka kokuxhumana okuphumelelayo kungenye yamaphutha amabi kakhulu wobudlelwano. Mane ulalele kahle lokho umlingani wakho akushoyo. Futhi ziveze ngokucacile. Elinye lamaphutha obudlelwano bangaphambi kwesikhathi lilindele ukuthi bafunde ingqondo yakho ngomlingo. Uma ufuna ukuthi baqonde izidingo zakho, izifiso kanye nezinto ozifunayo, kufanele ukusho ngokuzwakalayo. Noma kungenjalo, uzothuthukisa izindaba ezingathi sína zokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni benu.

Ucabanga ukuthi azitholakali ngokomzwelo? Kwazise. Ucabanga ukuthi udinga indawo eyengeziwe? Yiveze. Izingxoxo phezu kwetafula eliyindilinga zisindise umhlaba ezimpini eziningi kangaka nokuhlaselwa kwenuzi. Uma umhlaba ungasindiswa, nobudlelwano bakho bungahlengwa. Ngakho-ke, qhubeka… khuluma, khuluma, futhi ukhulume okwengeziwe, ukuze ukwazi ukusindisa ubudlelwano bakho ekubhujisweni. Ungakwazi ngisho nokulungisa amaphutha esikhathi esidlule ebudlelwaneni ngokukhuluma ngawo.

8. Ukungazethembi okwedlulele, umona, nokuba nezinto

Lokhu kungenye yamaphutha obudlelwane bakudala abafana abawenzayo namantombazane athambekele ngokulinganayo. Kuyisimo se-Catch-22. Uma unamathela kakhulu, umlingani wakho uya kude. Futhi, lapho beya kude, yilapho unamathela kakhulu kumlingani wakho. A cwaningo olwenziwa kubafundi basekolishi abasebudlelwaneni bangaphambi komshado ukuze kusungulwe izixhumanisi phakathi komhawu nokusondelana kobudlelwane kuchaze izici ezinhle nezingezinhle zomona wothando, zihlukanisa ngokucacile umhawu ongokomzwelo/osabelayo ngokuthi ikakhulukazi “omuhle” kanye nomhawu ongokomqondo/osolisayo “njengomubi”. 

Ungabhekana kanjani naleli phutha lobudlelwano bangaphambi kwesikhathi? Eqonda ngqo ephuzwini, uDkt. Bhonsle uthi isinyathelo sokuqala ngaso sonke isikhathi siwukuzihlola. "Udinga ukungabaza izindinganiso zakho (noma ukungabi khona kwazo) uma uzithola usebudlelwaneni obunobuthi. Ingabe uvame ukukhangwa yilolu hlobo lwabantu? Ingabe kukhona ukuphindaphinda lapha?" Ngakho-ke, uma ugcina uthandana nabantu abangatholakali ngokomzwelo noma unomkhuba wokudlala ngokudlala ngothando, kukhona amaphethini ajulile emsebenzini.

Echaza kabanzi ngezindlela zokuziphatha sonke esibuyela kuzo, ukhuluma 'ngezindikimba' eziphindaphindayo ezimpilweni zethu. "Ingabe izindikimba ezithile ziyaphindaphinda - izingqikithi ezithinta imizwa, izingqikithi zobudlelwano, izingqikithi ezihlobene nomsebenzi? Ungakwazi yini ukuzibona? Futhi uma ukwazi, kungani ungazibuzi isizathu esizibangela? KUNGANI ngithambekele kulezi zihloko? KUNGANI ngiheha (futhi ngikhangwa) uhlobo oluthile?"

Ungazikhipha kanjani kulo mjikelezo ononya? Ubudlelwano obuhle buvele bube bubi lapho impilo yakho iqala ukuzungeza umlingani wakho. Ngakho-ke, unganciki kumlingani wakho YONKE injabulo yakho. Yiba neminye imithombo yokuthola injabulo yakho kuyo. Yini eyakwenza wajabula useyingane? Uyabhala? Ukucula? Ukudansa? Udlala ezemidlalo? Ukuchitha isikhathi nabangani? Ulalele umculo? Ubukele amamuvi? Ukwenza izinto ezinjena kuzokuvimba ukuthi ungagxili kumlingani wakho.

Noma ngabe kuyini, qhubeka nokwenza, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ubudlelwano bakho bunjani. Lokhu kuzokwenzela inguqulo ejabule kakhulu ngawe. Futhi akekho ofuna ukuyeka umuntu ojabule futhi ogcwele ukuzithanda. Ukufunda ukuthi uzithande kanjani ingaxazulula izinkinga eziningi ebudlelwaneni bakho.

9. Ukuthatha izeluleko zobudlelwano kubantu abaningi kakhulu

Iqiniso eliqinile ukuthi bambalwa abantu abatshalwe ngokweqiniso enjabulweni yakho. Okubalulekile wukwazi ukuthi bangobani labo bantu abawumgogodla. Futhi uma wazi, khumbula ukwabelana ngempilo yakho yangasese kuphela nabo. 

Ukwabelana ngokweqile nabantu abaningi kakhulu ngempilo yakho yomuntu siqu kungenye ye amaphutha obudlelwane abonakala engenangozi kodwa empeleni ayingozi ngoba imibono eminingi izonidida. Abanye bazothi ufanelwe okungcono. Abanye bazokutshela okunye. Ngeke wazi ukuthi yini okumele uyenze futhi impilo yakho yangasese izoba indaba yomphakathi. Lokhu kuzomcasula umlingani wakho. 

Yebo, ukuba neqembu lokusekela elikunikeza iseluleko ngobudlelwano kuwumbono omuhle kakhulu. Kodwa khumbula ukugcina umbuthano wakho wangaphakathi umncane. Ngazo zonke izindlela, phumela obala phambi kwabangane bakho abahlanu osondelene nabo kodwa uzibambe lapho usembuthanweni wabangu-30, ohlanganisa osebenza nabo, abantu obajwayele nje, noma umndeni owandisiwe. 

10. Elinye lamaphutha avamile ebudlelwaneni bothando - Ukuntula ukwethembeka

Ukuntuleka kokwethembeka kungenye yezindaba ezivame kakhulu ebudlelwaneni namuhla. Empeleni, izibalo bonisa ukuthi kukhona okungenani isigameko esisodwa sokungathembeki ku-40% abangashadile kanye nama-25% emibhangqwana eshadile e-US. Lesi futhi yisizathu esenza kufike ku-40% wesamba sedivosi. Ukudlala ngothando nokugcina izinketho zivulekile uma unothile kuphakathi kwamaphutha ajwayelekile obudlelwane enziwa abafana. Ngokufanayo, amantombazane asebudlelwaneni obuzibophezele ngokuvamile athanda lapho ama-DM awo egcwele ukunakwa nokuqinisekiswa.

Uma wazi ukuthi ufuna ukuhlola, phuma lapho futhi uhlole. Ungazibophezeli. Vele uthembeke kulokho okufunayo, kuwena nakumlingani wakho. UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, “Bayolokhu bekutshela ukuthi konke lokho akunacala, futhi “basuke bezijabulisa nje.” Kungani kudingeka bazijabulise ngaphandle kwemizwa nenhlonipho yakho?”

Enye yamaphutha amabi kakhulu obudlelwane ongayenza ukukopela umlingani wakho. Uma ubakhohlisa, awugcini nje ngokubakhaphela kodwa futhi uyazikhaphela wena. Kuzokushiya odakeni, uzothola amahloni angapheli futhi icala ngemva kokukopela. Ngeke ukwazi ukuzethemba kamuva futhi kuzophazamisa ikhono lakho lokuzibophezela futhi. Ngakho-ke, zenzele umusa futhi utshele umlingani wakho iqiniso. Ukuhamba nokubavala kusengcono kakhulu kunokukhaphela.

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11. Amaphutha obudlelwano okufanele uwagweme - Ukuhlala ngokweqile nokungadedeli

UKenny Sebastien, umlingisi wamahlaya, washo kufanele, “Isihluthulelo somshado ojabulisayo siwukuba ungawuphathi kancane.” Yekela. Themba umlingani wakho, futhi ube nokholo kuye. Ungabi i-control freak futhi uzame ukusebenzisa amandla phezu kwazo zonke izici zobudlelwano bakho. Vumela izinto zigeleze. Kodwa ungakhohlwa ukuhlola ukuthi ubudlelwano bufanele isikhathi sakho nemizamo yakho.

UDkt. Bhonsle uthi, "Sikhokhela yonke into ngesikhathi. Iwuhlobo lwemali eyigugu kakhulu emhlabeni. Nquma ukuthi ubuhlobo, futhi ngokwengeza umlingani wakho, ikufanele yini le mali yakho." Ngakho-ke, uma kulimaza kakhulu impilo yakho yengqondo futhi kukhona izwi elincane emathunjini akho elithi ufanelwe okungcono, kungenye izimpawu ozidingayo ukuze uhlukane nobudlelwano.

Ukuhlala ngokweqile kungenye yamaphutha obudlelwano obuyisakhiwo sodumo. Kulungile uhambe. Ngeke ushade nomuntu othandana naye. Obunye ubudlelwano buza empilweni yakho ukuzokufundisa izifundo. Futhi ukufunda emaphutheni obudlelwano obudlule kuzokusiza ukuthi uguquke ngezindlela, ezingaphezu kokuqonda kwakho.

“Uma ubheka emuva kuphela emaphutheni akho, ucabanga ukuthi uyisilima. Uma ubheka emuva kuphela ekukhetheni kwakho okuhlakaniphile, ucabanga ukuthi awunaphutha. Kodwa uma ubheka emuva kukho konke, uyabona ukuthi ungumuntu oye wabhekana nokuningi, wakhula kakhulu, usafunda njalo, futhi uyathuthuka njengoba isikhathi sihamba.” — Doe Zantamata

Njengoba u-Doe Zantamata ekubeka, ungahlonzwa ngamaphutha obudlelwane bakho. Awuwona amaphutha akho, phela kungani uchazwa yiwo? Yini okufanele uyenze lapho uqaphela ukuthi wenze amaphutha ebudlelwaneni? Uyaxolisa. Uyashintsha. Uyakhula. Uba ngcono. Yilokho ingqikithi yokuphila, akunjalo? Ukufunda emaphutheni obudlelwano obudlule.

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