Iseluleko Sochwepheshe - Uma Uyibiza Nini Kuyayeka Emshadweni

Njengomuntu oshadile, kuyoba nezinsuku lapho ukuphila kwakho kuzwakala njengezulu. Kuzophinde kube nezinsuku ezimbi kakhulu ongase ulingeke ukuba uphume ebudlelwaneni. Yize noma ngokocwaningo olwenziwa ngo-2020, amanani edivosi ehlile eminyakeni yamuva, nokho u-40% wayo yonke imishado uphela ngesehlukaniso. Uma kucatshangelwa amathuba okuthi umshado usebenze unamathuba afanayo nokuphonsa uhlamvu lwemali, umuntu uthola kanjani ukuthi ubudlelwano bufanele ukulondolozwa nini nokuthi kufanele buphele nini emshadweni?

Imishado ingaphenduka izinto ezibuhlungu ngezinye izikhathi. Ngeshwa, ujwayela kakhulu ukuzama ukuyenza isebenze kangangokuthi awuzinaki izimpawu ezibonisa ukuthi umshado wakho usuphelile. Umeluleki uShazia Saleem , ogxile kwezehlukaniso nokuhlukana, usisiza siqonde lezi zimpawu ezibomvu.

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Wonke umuntu ufuna umshado wabo uhlale unomphela. Ngenxa yalokho, lapho umuntu ebhekana nanoma iyiphi inkinga ebudlelwaneni bakhe, ukugxambukela kwakhe amadolo kuwukusebenzela kukho. Ngeshwa, kwesinye isikhathi sisebenza ngale kwezigaba zomshado oshonayo, singashiyi lutho futhi singakwazi ukwamukela ukuthi umshado ungcwatshwe kudala.

UShazia uyachaza, “Akekho umuntu ophelele. Futhi lapho abantu ababili abangaphelele beshada, kusobala ukuthi nomshado ngeke uphelele. Kuzoba nezindawo eziningi lapho kuzodingeka uvumelane khona. Kodwa-ke, uma umshado wakho ukulimaza kakhulu kangangokuthi awukwazi ukusebenza kahle futhi inhlalakahle yakho yengqondo, yomzimba, noma yemizwa isengozini, khona-ke lobu budlelwano sebube yingozi , futhi manje yisikhathi sokuqeda umshado.”

Ukuthi Kuyayeka Nini Emshadweni - Uchwepheshe Wembula Izimpawu Eziyisi-7

Yonke imishado ihlukile njengabantu abahilelekile kuyo. Izinqamuli zezivumelwano zomshado zincike ngokuphelele encazelweni yombhangqwana yemingcele enempilo nengenampilo. Nokho, ezinye izinto zibhekwa njengamafulegi abomvu ebuhlotsheni. Uma ubhekene nalezi zimo, lezi yizimpawu zokuphela komshado wakho ngesehlukaniso.

Ukuze uthole ulwazi olwengeziwe olusekelwe ochwepheshe, sicela ubhalisele isiteshi sethu se-YouTube. Chofoza lapha.

1. Kukhona ukuhlukumeza ebudlelwaneni

UMyra, oneminyaka engu-33 ubudala ofunda ePhoenix, wayecabanga ukuthi isoka lakhe uMark linenhliziyo encane kodwa elinothando - lokho kwaze kwaba yizinyanga ezi-5 beshadile. Kulapho-ke ukuhlukunyezwa kwaqala khona. “Kwaba sengathi ushintshile phambi kwamehlo ami.Ngesinye isikhathi angaba nothando futhi ngomzuzwana waphenduka lesi silo esithukuthele.

"Noma yikuphi ukukhuluma ngokuzama ukulungisa izinkinga zakhe zentukuthelo bekuzomenza athukuthele kakhulu. Bengibambekile. Ngatshela abangani bami ukuthi: umshado wami usuphelile futhi angazi ukuthi ngenzeni noma ukuthi ngiphume kanjani kulesi simo. Bangisizile. Yibo abenza ngikhululeke kulolo budlelwano."

Ukushiya ubudlelwano obuhlukumezayo kunzima. Uzakwethu okuhlukumezayo uvame ukukuhlukanisa nabanye. Baphinde bakuhoxise ukwesekwa kwezezimali futhi njalo uma usho ukushiya ubudlelwano, ukuhlukumeza kuba kubi kakhulu. Ngokocwaningo, udlame lwasekhaya lubalelwa ku-21% wabo bonke ubugebengu. Futhi kuma-76% alawa macala, abesifazane yibona abayizisulu. Ngakho-ke lapho ubuhlobo buba nokuhlukumeza, yilapho umbhangqwana kufanele uhlukane. Kuwukuphana kwakho ukufuna ukweseka umlingani wakho ohlukumezayo endleleni eya ekululameni, kodwa akufanele uthathe indawo yesikhwama sakhe sokubhoboza.

Ukuhlukumeza akwamukeleki, akunandaba nezinga noma inani lezikhathi okwenzeke ngazo. Ngisho noma kanye kungaba kubi ngokwanele. Uma unomngane ozibuza ukuthi uzoyeka nini emshadweni ohlukumezayo, mtshele ukuthi sekuyisikhathi manje.

Umthetho Wokuvinjelwa Nokuhlukunyezwa Komndeni (i-FVPSA) unenombolo yocingo yamahora angu-24 etholakala kuphela ezisulu zokuhlukunyezwa kwasekhaya noma ukuhlukunyezwa komndeni. Le nombolo yocingo ingafinyelelwa ngenombolo yamahhala yezwe lonke ethi 1-800-799-7233 noma 1-800-787-3224 noma (206) 518-9361. Uma kunezimo eziphuthumayo, shayela u-9-1-1.

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2. Ufuna izinto ezahlukene empilweni

Abekho abantu ababili abafana ngokuphelele futhi yilokhu kwehluka okwenza umshado uthakazelise. Nokho, ukungezwani okuningi phakathi kombhangqwana kungenza izinto zibe nzima. Ungase ungafuni ukuba nezingane, kodwa unomlingani onakho. Esimweni esinjalo, akulungile ukulindela ukuthi umngane wakho womshado alahle izifiso zakhe ukuze nje agcine umshado unjalo.

Abantu bayashintsha ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Futhi ngezinye izikhathi ungase ugcine ushintsha ngendlela ehluke ngokuphelele kweyomlingani wakho. Ngeshwa kuyinto engenakulawulwa. “Izidingo zomzimba/ngokomzwelo/zobuhlakani, izinhlelo zenani, imisebenzi, izimo zesikhathi esizayo - ungase uqale ukuphambuka kunoma iyiphi noma eziningi zalezi zici. Enye yezinto okufanele uzikhumbule ngaphambi kokuthi uhlukane emshadweni ukuhlonza ukuthi lokhu kwehluka kuyamukeleka yini. Uma kungenjalo, kungcono ukuqeda izinto,” kuchaza uShazia. Ngezinye izikhathi uthando alwanele.

3. Nakhu lapho okufanele uqedele khona emshadweni: lapho ubuhlobo buba bubi

Akuyona imfihlo ukuthi imishado ivame ukuba yinto enesithukuthezi ngemva kwesikhathi. Futhi njengoba izinto ezintsha seziphelile, ukubekezela kuyaphela futhi ukunaka ebenikwenza komunye nomunye kuyanyamalala ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Intukuthelo nenzondo kuyanqwabelana futhi ngaphambi kokuba uqaphele, ubudlelwano benu bube bungebuhle.

Ukungaqinisekisi imizwa yozakwenu noma okuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe, ukuveza izinkinga zakho kuye, ukukhanya kwegesi, nokudlala umdlalo wokusola konke kuyizimpawu zobudlelwano obungenampilo. Ukuhlala esimweni esinjalo kuhlukumeza bonke abathintekayo, kuhlanganise nezingane. Uma ubona la maphethini anobuthi ehlala ekhona emshadweni wakho kangangoba uphuphuma kubo bonke obunye ubudlelwano bakho, kulapho-ke okufanele ubize khona umshado.

4. Ukungafuni ukushintsha noma ukufuna usizo

Umbhangqwana kufanele uwuyeke nini umshado? Umfundi oneminyaka engu-39 ubudala uPatricia waseSan Jose ulandisa indaba yakhe, “Ngeke ngisakwazi ukuziba izimpawu zokuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle emshadweni wami.Ngangazi ukuthi imishado iba yinkimbinkimbi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi kodwa ngangihlale ngicabanga ukuthi mina noThomas singanqoba noma yini.Kodwa izinto zashintsha lapho eseluthwe yizithombe ezingcolile.

“Noma ngizama kangakanani kodwa ngeke ngikwazi ukumenza abone ukuthi umshado wethu uyahlukumezeka, uma ngikhuluma naye ngezinkinga esibhekene nazo uvele abe nolaka noma anginake, noma iyiphi inkulumo yokuhlangana nomeluleki noma ukufuna usizo ivalwa ngokushesha, ngizwa sengathi umshado wami usuphelile futhi angazi ngenzenjani. Ngeshwa, baningi kakhulu abantu laphaya abaziyo ukuthi kunjani ukuba ezicathulweni zikaPatricia. Ngokocwaningo, i-56% yezahlukaniso yayinomlingani oyedwa onesithakazelo esijulile ku-porn. Uma uzithola usendaweni efanayo ekuphileni kwakho, kulapho-ke okufanele uqedele khona emshadweni.

5. Izizathu zakho zokuthi uhlale emshadweni ziyantengantenga

Esinye sezibonakaliso ezisobala kakhulu, futhi ezivame ukunganakwa, zomshado wakho ukuthi uzophela ngesehlukaniso yilapho uzibuza lo mbuzo njalo: Kungani ngikulo mshado? Uma impendulo yakho kuyo kungenxa yezingane, noma umphakathi, noma ungafuni ukuba wedwa, khona-ke kukhombisa ukuthi usesigabeni sokugcina somshado oshonayo futhi sekuyisikhathi sokwamukela ukuthi umshado wakho usuphelile.

“Abantu abaningi babheka umshado njengelungiselelo elingcwele futhi ngempela uyisibopho esikhethekile nesinhle kakhulu,” kusho uShazia. Kodwa umshado ongenampilo ungalimaza kakhulu kunalokho abantu abaningi abakucabangayo. Abantu abaningi kakhulu bavaleleke emishadweni enezinkinga ngenxa yengcindezi yomphakathi noma yezimali, noma banomuzwa wokuthi umshado obhidlika uyokwenza ukuphila kwengane yabo kube nzima.

Umshado ubambiswano. Ukhetha ukuhlala nalo muntu ngoba uyena ocabanga ukuthi uzoma eduze kwakho njengoba ubhekene nempilo. Lapho ubudlelwano benu buyeka ukuba ngalobo budlelwano futhi buba yimpoqo, yilapho-ke kufanele kuthiwe kuphelile emshadweni.

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6. Umlingani wakho uyaqhubeka nokuphinga

Ukwethembeka kungasho izinto ezihlukene kubantu abahlukene. Kwabanye abantu, konke kuhle uma nje ungalali nomunye umuntu, kanti kwabanye ukubuka ngephutha kungabhekwa njengokuphinga ngokwanele. Kungcono ukukhuluma ngokuthi kusho ukuthini ukwethembeka kuwena nakumlingani wakho zisuka nje.

Kodwa into eyodwa eqinisekile: ukwethembeka kuyisici esibalulekile sobudlelwano. Futhi uma umlingani wakho ephinga ngokuphindaphindiwe ngisho nangemva kokukhuluma naye ngemingcele eyamukelekayo, khona-ke kuwuphawu lokuthi umshado wakho usuphelile. Abanye abantu bayawaqaphela amaphutha abo bese belungisa izinto okokuqala. Kunini lapho kufanele uvale khona emshadweni? Lapho umlingani wakho ekukhohlisa ngokuphindaphindiwe. Ngeke bashintshe futhi akusizi ngalutho ukucabanga ngenye indlela.

7. Akukho nhlonipho emshadweni

Ngokunokwenzeka enye yezinsika ezibaluleke kakhulu emshadweni (futhi ngokuvamile enganakwa kakhulu) inhlonipho. Awukho umshado ongama isikhathi eside ngaphandle kwawo. Nokho uma ushadile isikhathi eside, le nsika iqala ukuduma. Njengoba izingxabano zanda futhi nokungezwani kunqwabelana, inhlonipho eninayo nomngane wakho womshado iyancipha.

Ukuhlala ubeka phansi umlingani wakho noma ukumlulaza, kungaba ngasese noma esidlangalaleni, ukunciphisa ukukhathazeka nezinkinga zakhe, ukungamnaki lapho ezama ukukhuluma nawe noma ukumvala umlomo noma ukumgcona lapho esengozini kuyizindlela ezivamile zokungahloniphani . Nakuba kungenzeki njalo ukuqaphelana, uma lokhu kuyindlela eqhubekayo ekusebenzelaneni kwakho nomlingani wakho, khona-ke lesi yisikhathi sokuyeka emshadweni.

Ukuyibiza Kuyayeka Futhi Ukubhekana Nobuhlungu

Akunakuphikwa ukuthi ukuqeda umshado nokushiya owakwakho kungenye yezinto ezinzima kakhulu umuntu angayenza. Ayigcini nje ngokudala imbobo enkulu ephaketheni, iphinde idale enkulu enhliziyweni. Nakuba imali ibuya njalo, yimbobo evulekile enhliziyweni eba nzima ukuphola. UShazia uthi: “Abantu abaningi bazizwa bedidekile lapho bezwa ubuhlungu lapho beshiya umshado ongemuhle, bayazibuza, “Uma umshado wawumubi kangaka, kungani-ke ngiphatheke kabi kangaka?

Uyanezela, “Kuyinto evamile ukudabuka umshado obhidlika kungakhathaliseki ukuthi umubi kangakanani.Uchithe isikhathi sakho esiningi, imizwelo, nemizamo yakho emshadweni.Ngisho noma bekungokwesikhashana, ubuxhumene nomngane wakho womshado ngokomzwelo, ngokomzimba nangokwengqondo. Ngakho kungokwemvelo ngokuphelele ngawe ukuba uzwe ubuhlungu.

"Enye yezinto ezibalulekile okufanele uzikhumbule ngaphambi kokuthi uvale umshado ukuthi ngeke kube lula. Isihluthulelo lapha ukwamukela. Udinga ukwamukela ukuthi umshado wakho usuphelile . Ukuthi naphezu kwayo yonke imizamo yakho, umshado awuzange uhlale isikhathi eside futhi awuzange uhlale isikhathi eside. Udinga ukuzinika ithuba lokucubungula imizwa yakho. Zizwe ubuhlungu, lungisa ubuhlungu, zinike isikhathi sokululama, bese ekugcineni, uqhubeke."

Ukushiya umshado omubi kungase kubonakale kungenakwenzeka, kodwa kulimaza ngokufanayo ukuhlala kulobo buhlobo obunobuthi. Akuthinti nje kuphela impilo yakho engokwengqondo nengokomzwelo, futhi kuthinta neyomlingani wakho nomndeni wakho wonke.

Kubalulekile ukusebenzela umshado wakho kodwa kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi nini lapho ulwa impi ehluliwe nokuthi ungayiqeda nini umshado. Uma ungakwazi ukwenza izinto zisebenze naphezu kwemizamo yakho emihle, kubalulekile ukwamukela ukuthi umshado wakho uphelile futhi uzame ukusuka kulobo buhlobo.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.