Mina nomngane wami sasixoxa ngolunye usuku. Uhlale esaba ukuthi umyeni wakhe uzomshiya, nakuba kubonakala kungenazimpawu zokuthi uyacabanga. Kodwa izindaba zokushiywa kwakhe ebudlelwaneni ziqine kangangokuthi uhlala ebuka ngeso lengqondo izimo lapho ezomshiya khona.
Angase ahlangane nomunye umuntu, mhlawumbe unesizungu, mhlawumbe ukhathele yimi, cishe angithakazelisi ngokwanele - lezi ezinye zezindlela zokuthi ukulahlwa kubonakale kanjani ebudlelwaneni. Uma uzibuza ukuthi yiziphi izinkinga zokulahlwa kwabantu abadala ezingathinta ubudlelwano bothando, sikutholele izimpendulo.
Sibuze isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sokweluleka uGopa Khan (iMasters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), ogxile ekwelulekeni komshado nomndeni, kanye nochwepheshe wezokwelapha ingqondo uSampreeti Das (iMasters in Clinical Psychology kanye nomcwaningi wePhD), ogxile eRational Emotive Behavior Therapy kanye neHolistic and Transformational Psychotherapy, ukuze sithole ulwazi ngezinkinga zokushiywa emshadweni nasebudlelwaneni, nokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nazo ngaphandle kokulahlekelwa yingqondo, noma uthando lwakho.
Yiziphi Izinkinga Zokulahla Ebudlelwaneni
Okuqukethwe
"Izinkinga zokulahlwa zingachazwa njengokusabela kwengqondo okubangelwa ukuhlukana okungafuneki nabantu ababalulekile. Ngokuvamile zingalandelelwa emuva ekulahlekelweni okubuhlungu ebuntwaneni, kodwa zingase zenzeke nasebudaleni. Ngezinkinga zokulahlwa kubantu abadala nasezinganeni, kuba nokwesaba okuqhubekayo kokulahlekelwa abantu ababalulekile empilweni. Uma umuntu ekhula nalokhu kwesaba okuqhubekayo, kubonakala ngezimpawu ezahlukene zempilo yengqondo," kusho uSampreeti .
“Ukuzizwa untula, ukuzizwa unomthwalo wemfanelo ngayo yonke into, imizwa yecala, ukungakwazi ukwethemba, isidingo sokulawula, okudingeka ulawulwe, ukuba lula ukulawula, isidingo esikhulu sokujabulisa abanye, ukwesaba ukwehlukana nokungazethembi, isidingo esiqhubekayo sokuqinisekiswa ukuzibophezela noma uthando kungaba ezinye zezindlela angeza ngazo izinkinga zokulahla ebuhlotsheni bothando.
“Izinkinga zokulahlwa zingase zenzeke ngesikhathi sokuphela kobudlelwano, isehlukaniso, ukufa kothandekayo, ezinganeni zabazali abazicabangela ngokweqile noma imindeni enezinkinga zokulutha,” kusho uGopa.
Manje njengoba sesinokuqonda okuncane kokuthi izinkinga zokulahla zibonakala kanjani ebudlelwaneni, ake sijule kwezinye zalezi zinkinga futhi sibheke izimpawu zokuthi kungenzeka awukayinqobi indaba yokulahlwa kusukela ebuntwaneni.
1. Ukwakha okunamathiselwe ngokushesha
UJulianne uyavuma: “Ngivame ukugxuma ngekhanda nenhliziyo kuqala kunoma ubani onginaka kancane noma ongithandayo. "Kwangithatha iminyaka yokwelashwa kanye nokuzihlola ngaphambi kokuba ngibone ukuthi izinkinga zami zokulahlwa kusukela ebuntwaneni, abazali bami abakaze babe khona njll., zibangele ukuba ngesaba ukuthi akekho ozongithanda noma ahlale nami."
Ukuvuleleka othandweni kuhle kakhulu, kodwa uma usukulungele ukugoqa inhliziyo yakho, isikhathi sakho nemizwa yakho bese ugoqa umnsalo kunoma ubani onomusa kuwe, maningi amathuba okuthi ukulangazelela kwakho uthando kubangelwa izinkinga zokulahla ebudlelwaneni.
Ubudlelwano obuhle buhambisana nemingcele yobudlelwano obuhle . Uma ungakwazi ukwakha noma ukugcina le mingcele, mhlawumbe wesaba nje ukuthi ngeke uthole uthando nhlobo, ngakho-ke ushesha lapho uthola ithuba lokuqala.
2. Ukunamathela njalo
Ingabe uhlala uthumela imiyalezo noma ushayela umlingani wakho umbuze ukuthi bakuphi, bafika ngasiphi isikhathi ekhaya nokunye? Ingabe ukhathazekile ngokuya noma kuphi uwedwa, ukuvakasha uwedwa noma ngokujwayelekile ukungabi nabanye obalulekile noma isikhathi esifushane? Kuzwakala sengathi unezinkinga zokulahla emshadweni noma ebudlelwaneni bakho.
“Ukwesaba isizungu, ukwesaba, ukukhathazeka kanye nokubambelela ebudlelwaneni kuyizimpawu zokushiywa, empeleni kuba yizimpawu zokuqala ezingase zivele,” kusho uGopa.
Kunomehluko phakathi kokuthumela umbhalo omnandi kumlingani wakho uma umkhumbule, kanye nokuba ne-mini panic attack uma efika ekhaya ngemva kwemizuzu engu-10 kunalokho abekushilo. Uma bengakalubambi ucingo ngaso leso sikhathi, futhi ngokushesha uqala ukubabona ngeso lengqondo bethandana nozakwenu, sekuyisikhathi sokuvuma izinkinga zakho zokulahla ebuhlotsheni futhi ufune usizo.
3. Ukuba nesibopho sayo yonke into, noma ukugwema isibopho ngokuphelele
“Esinye isici sokuba nezinkinga zokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni bothando ukuthi uzohlala usola abanye abantu futhi ungalokothi uthathe umthwalo wemfanelo wakho uma izinto zihamba kabi,” kusho uGopa. Isizathu salokhu, uyachaza, ukuthi abantu abanezinkinga zokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni bayesaba ukuvuma ukuthi benze iphutha noma benze into engalungile, uma kwenzeka umlingani wabo emshiya.
Uhlangothi lwalokhu, uSampreeti uthi, ukuthi bazozama ukuzibophezela kukho konke. Uthi: “Abantu abanezinkinga zokulahlwa emshadweni bazogcina sebenomthwalo wemfanelo omkhulu kakhulu wokwenza okuthile noma izindaba zomkhaya kunalokho abangakwazi ukukusingatha, ngethemba lokuthi lokhu kuzobenza bathandeke kakhudlwana, futhi mancane amathuba okuba bashiywe,” usho kanje.
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Ngakho-ke, uma uthanda owesifazane onezinkinga zokulahlwa, noma owesilisa, kuzoba nokuhilizisana ngesibopho, noma ngabe bathatha kakhulu, noma bancane kakhulu.
4. Izinkinga ezinkulu zokwethenjwa
Lokhu kunalokho okusobala, noma kubonakala kunjalo. Ukungavikeleki ebuhlotsheni akuyona into engavamile futhi kungavela ngisho noma izinkinga zokuhlukana ebudlelwaneni kungesona isizathu. Ukuthi nje ukungavikeleki kuvame ukuthola umfutho wangempela uma ungakanqobi izinkinga zokulahlwa kusukela ebuntwaneni.
“Izindaba zokwethenjwa ziwuphawu olukhulu lwezinkinga zokulahlwa,” kusho uGopa. “Noma ubani oye wabhekana nokulahlwa, kungaba ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo, ebuntwaneni noma ebusheni, uyokuthola kunzima ukwethemba umuntu othandana naye noma umngane womshado.” Lapho ukhula ungabethembi abantu okufanele bakunakekele, kuyozwakala kubo bonke ubuhlobo bakho.”
Uyanezela, “ Izinkinga zokuthembana zizobonakala njengokungazethembi, ukuba nomona ebudlelwaneni noma kwabanye. Ungahlala usola umlingani wakho ngokungathembeki, noma uqhubeke umlandela ezinkundleni zokuxhumana. Ukungakwazi ukwamukela igama elithi 'cha' ebudlelwaneni nakho kuyisibonelo esicacile sokungazethembi.”
5. Ukwesaba njalo ukushiywa
“Ngiyingane yedivosi futhi ngangihlale ngibona abazali bami bexabana futhi besongelana ngokuthi bazohlukana ngisho nangaphambi kokuba kuqale ukuhlukana.” Ngokusobala, lapho sengimdala ngokwanele ukuba ngibe nobuhlobo obungeyami, engangikwazi nje ngothando ukuthi abantu bahamba,” kusho uKaren. Ukwesaba kwakhe ukushiywa kwamkhubaza ukungakwazi kwakhe ukwakha ubudlelwano bokusebenza obunempilo, njengoba impendulo yakhe yonke, zonke izinqumo zazisukela kulokho kwesaba.
Izinkinga zokulahlwa kwabantu abadala zingabangela ubudlelwano obuyingozi , ngoba kunokuba uvela endaweni yothando nokwethembana, uvela ekukholweni ukuthi kungakhathaliseki ukuthi wenzani, uzoba nguwe osalayo.
6. Izinkinga zokulawula
“Isidingo esiqhubekayo sokulawula noma ukulawulwa kukhombisa ukungazethembi komuntu, okungadalwa yizinkinga zokulahla ebudlelwaneni,” kusho uGopa. Wenze isibonelo sekhasimende eliqhubekile nokuba sebudlelwaneni obulihlukumezayo ngisho nangemva kokuba umlingani walo elishise ngamabomu isandla, ngoba esaba ukuba yedwa.
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“Ukuba wedwa kuyosho ukuthi kufanele ulawule ukuphila kwakho nemizwa yakho, futhi uma wesaba ukulahlwa, uzokwenza noma yini ukugwema lokho,” uyenezela. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, kungenzeka ukuthi ube nezinkinga zokulahla futhi ubuye ube yi-control freak, ngoba uma ukholelwa ukuthi uma ubamba zonke izintambo ebudlelwaneni bothando, umlingani wakho ngeke akushiye.
7. Ukucekela phansi ubudlelwano
“Angifuni ukushiywa, ngakho ngiyahamba kuqala, noma ngiziphathe kabi kangangokuthi ngiyabaphoqa ukuba bahambe,” kusho uMark. “Ngicabanga ukuthi akubuhlungu kangako uma ngishiya ngoba okungenani ngaleso sikhathi, angishiywa ngibambe izingcezu zobudlelwano obuphukile .”
Ukwesaba izindaba zokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni kusho ukuthi ususithathile isinqumo sokuthi wonke ubudlelwano buzophela ngokuthi kube nguwe osele ngemuva. Futhi enye indlela ongayisingatha ngayo iwukuba nguwena othanda kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bakho ukuze ungakhi ukuxhumana kweqiniso ngokomzwelo noma ukusondelana. Ngaleyo ndlela, ucabanga ukuthi, kuzoba lula uma sebehamba, ngoba inhliziyo yakho yayingahileleki kwasekuqaleni. Noma, njengoba uMarku esho, uzovele uhambe kuqala. Ngoba, emqondweni wakho, ayikho enye indlela yokuthi ubudlelwano buphele.
8. Ukulangazelela ngokweqile ukujabulisa
Ukuba 'umuntu ovumayo' kuhlale kuyisibonakaliso esibomvu sobudlelwano . Futhi uma unezinkinga zokushiywa emshadweni noma ebudlelwaneni, umcabango engqondweni yakho uzoba ukuthi uma ujabulisa umlingani wakho ngokwanele, uvumelana naye ngokwanele, ngeke akushiye.
Nalapha futhi, umbuzo wemingcele uyaphakama lapha. Njengoba uGopa esho, uma ungakwazi ukusho ukuthi 'cha' ngomqondo ocacile, onokuzethemba, izindaba zakho zokulahla zibhekile. Cabanga ngakho. Ingabe umlingani wakho wenza zonke izinqumo ezinkulu ebudlelwaneni? Lapho odla khona, lapho oya khona eholidini, indlela ohlukanisa ngayo imisebenzi yasekhaya njll. Futhi ingabe uhambisana nayo yonke into, ngoba uyazonda ukuxabana, futhi wesaba ukuthi kuzogcina ngokuthi bahambe? Yebo, yizindaba zakho zokulahla lezi ezikhulumayo.
9. Ukukhetha ozakwethu abangatholakali
USherry unendlela yakhe uma kukhulunywa ngobudlelwano. Uke wathandana noma wathandana nabantu abashadile, abahlala kwamanye amazwe, noma abamane nje bathanda ukuzibophezela . “Kusukela esikoleni samabanga aphezulu, angicabangi ukuthi ngike ngathandana noma ngathandana nanoma ubani owayengatholakala kimi,” uyavuma.
Uma unezinkinga zokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni, kungase kuzwakale kuphephile ukulandela noma ukuwela kubantu okunzima ukuhlanganyela nabo noma ukuba nobudlelwano obusebenzayo nabo. Ngoba kusizani ukungena entweni ngethemba lokuthi izohlala, njengoba uthando lugcina ngokushiya noma kunjalo. Izinkinga zokulahla ezibekwe engqondweni yakho ngeke zikuvumele ukuthi ube nomuntu ozozibonakalisa futhi azibophezele kuwe, ngoba awukholelwa ukuthi izinto ezinjalo zikhona.
10. Ukuzethemba okuphansi, imingcele engemihle
Enye yezinkinga zokulahlwa ezibonakala zicashile kodwa ezikhona njalo ebudlelwaneni ukuntuleka kwemingcele ebangelwa ukuzethemba okuphansi. Sesikhulume kakhulu ngemingcele lapha, ngoba ubudlelwano obungenampilo buvame ukubangelwa ukuzethemba okuphansi.
Uma ukhule unezinkinga zokulahlwa, kungenzeka ukuthi ukuzethemba kwakho nokuzethemba akubanga namathuba amaningi okuthuthuka. Futhi uma usungenile ebudlelwaneni, lokho kuntuleka kokuzithanda kungena endleleni yokubeka imingcele. Ungase ubeke izithiyo ezingokomzwelo ukuze ugweme ukusondelana ngokomzwelo, kodwa imingcele ngeke ize kuwe kalula.
Indlela Yokubhekana Nezinkinga Zokulahla
Singene shi ezindabeni zokulahla ebudlelwaneni nendlela ezizibonakalisa ngayo. Kodwa ubhekana kanjani nazo, uphulukise kuzo futhi uqhubeke? Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ulwa nalezi zinkinga ngokwakho, noma uqonda owesifazane onezinkinga zokushiywa, sihlanganise amathiphu nezindlela eziqinile zokubhekana nalezi zinkinga futhi sinikeze impilo yakho yothando umfutho.
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1. Funa ukwelashwa
“Indlela engcono kakhulu yokubhekana nezinkinga zokulahlwa ukufuna ukwelashwa, njengoba izinkinga ezingaxazululwa zingavimba abantu ekubeni nobudlelwano obuhle,” kusho uGopa. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uvumile ukuthi nguwe onezinkinga zokulahlwa noma uzibuza ukuthi yiziphi ezinye zezinkinga zokulahlwa ongasiza ngazo umlingani wakho, usizo lochwepheshe luyindlela enhle yokuveza izinkinga zakho nokufunda ukuthi ungamsekela kanjani umlingani wakho. Ungazama ukuxhumana nephaneli labeluleki beBonobology ukuze uthole usizo.
"Izinkinga zokulahla ziyinkimbinkimbi kakhulu kunalokho ezibonakala zinjalo," kusho uSampreeti. Uma unokuqonda nokuqwashisa ukuze ubone ukuthi izinkinga zakho zisekelwe ekulahlweni, ungase ukwazi ukuzinqoba ngokuzinakekela njll. Kodwa lokho akuvamile ngokwanele.
"Ngokuvamile, nokwelashwa kochwepheshe kuyadingeka. Ayikho indlela eyodwa yokubhekana nezinkinga zokulahla futhi kuncike kumuntu kanye nesistimu yakhe yokweseka. Kunezici eziyinkimbinkimbi zomuntu ngamunye kanye nenhlalo-mpilo ehlanganiswe lapha. Izindaba ezinjalo zidinga amasu azwelayo futhi enziwe ngokwezifiso ngokubambisana nochwepheshe wezempilo yengqondo, "uyeluleka.
2. Qala ukuzinakekela
“Gxila ekudleni, ukulala, ukuzivocavoca kanye nokwakha izinhlelo zokusekela,” kweluleka uGopa. Ugcizelela ukuthi izinkinga zokulahlwa zingenza abantu bakhathazeke futhi bagxile ekuzinakekeleni.
Yenza izinto ezikwenza uzizwe kahle futhi ukhulume futhi uchithe isikhathi nabantu abakuphakamisayo. Khumbula, ukuzithanda kumayelana nokuzikhumbuza ukuthi ungaphezu komuntu ozosala, ungumuntu ophelele, oyinkimbinkimbi onethuba elifana nelanoma ubani lokuthola uthando oluhle kakhulu. Futhi noma ungakwenzi lokho, ungumuntu omuhle noma kunjalo.
3. Gxila ekucabangeni okuhle
Izinkinga zokulahla ebudlelwaneni cishe zizokuphoqa ukuthi ugxile kokubi. Uzohlala ucabanga ngezinto ezingalungile ngawe, nezinto ezingase zingahambi kahle ngobudlelwano bamanje noma obungaba khona.
"Yamukela izindlela ezintsha zokuxazulula izinkinga bese uzama ukuzisungula kabusha. Ngale ndlela, uzozakhela ukuzethemba futhi uzethembe," kusho uGopa.
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Ukucabanga okuhle akusho ukuxubha izindaba zakho ngaphansi kukakhaphethi futhi wenze sengathi konke kuhamba kahle. Kunokuba ugxile kulokho okungase konakale ngobudlelwano, zama futhi ucabange ukuthi yini engahamba kahle. Yenza uhlu lwezinto ezinhle ongaziletha kubambiswano; futhi, isikhumbuzo sokuthi izinkinga zakho ziyingxenye yakho, kodwa akukhona lokho kuphela oyikho.
4. Zitshele ukuthi ufanelwe okungcono
“Ukugxila ekwakheni ubudlelwano obuhle kanye nemingcele kubalulekile lapho kukhulunywa ngokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni,” kusho uGopa. “Futhi, abantu abaningi kakhulu abanezinkinga zokulahlwa besaba kakhulu ukuba bodwa kangangokuthi bahlala ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo. Kubalulekile ukuqonda umehluko phakathi kobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo nobunempilo . ”
Uma uthanda owesilisa noma owesifazane onezinkinga zokulahlwa, kubalulekile futhi ukubaphakamisa njalo futhi ubatshele ukuthi bakufanele futhi bafanelwe uthando oluhle, olunempilo ezimpilweni zabo. Angeke kube lula ngabo, kodwa kuyingxenye yokuba umlingani omuhle.
5. Zimele ngokomzwelo
“Ngikhuthaza amakhasimende ami ukuthi azimele ngokomzwelo futhi ehlise ukuncika kwabanye abantu, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi abhekene nani,” kusho uGopa. "Ekugcineni, injabulo yethu idinga ukuvela ngaphakathi, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi sithandana kangakanani nomlingani wethu. Lokho mhlawumbe ingxenye ebaluleke kakhulu lapho ubhekana nezinkinga zokulahla ebudlelwaneni - ukuqaphela ukuthi ukuzazi nokuzithanda kufanele kuze kuqala."
Ukuzimela ngokomzwelo akusho ukuthi awusoze wavulela omunye umuntu isifuba. Ukuthi nje uqale uzazi wena kuqala, uzithande ngawo wonke amaphutha nezingqinamba zakho, bese kuthi uma usunothando olwanele ngaphakathi kuwena, ukwazi ukwabelana ngalo nabantu obakhethile.
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Ukuqonda owesilisa noma owesifazane ngezinkinga zokulahla kuwuhambo oluya ngokwakho, futhi kuzodinga ukuthi unqobe noma yikuphi ukwesaba ukulahlwa ebudlelwaneni. Abantu abesaba ukulahlwa bakuthola kunzima ukuzijwayeza ubudlelwano ngisho nalapho bethola uthando, ngakho-ke njengozakwethu, uzodinga nokukhulisa umdlalo wakho wokuzwelana.
Yize izinkinga zokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni zingasukela ekuhlukumezekeni kwasebuntwaneni, imiphumela yako ingahlala kuze kube yilapho umuntu esemdala. “Nginekhasimende elineminyaka engu-50 ubudala elisaqhubeka nokuba nobudlelwano obushayisanayo nabazali balo asebekhulile futhi lisabhekene nokuhlukumezeka ngenxa yendlela elikhuliswe ngayo,” kusho uGopa.
"Ukuhlangana okungekuhle nabazali bakhe kwaholela empini yokuphila kwakhe konke yokuzizwa elahliwe, enganakwa kanye nokungakwazi ukuba sebudlelwaneni obuseduze. Kwaholela nasekubeni nzima ukusebenza noma ukuba nempilo enempilo yobungcweti ngenxa yezinkinga zakhe zokuthembana. Amacala anjalo athatha isikhathi eside ukululama njengoba ukwakha ubudlelwano obuyisisekelo kanye nokuxazulula izingxabano kuyisinyathelo esibalulekile sokwamukela," enezela.
Uma ubhekene nezinkinga zokulahlwa, noma uzama ukusiza umlingani noma umngane ngalezi zinkinga, khumbula ukuba nomusa, ukulalela nokukhumbula ukuthi awuwedwa.
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