Ukuwa Othandweni Ebudlelwaneni Besikhathi Eside - Izimpawu Futhi Yini Okufanele Uyenze

Uyangithanda, akangithandi, sisho. Kodwa ochwepheshe bezobudlelwano sekuyisikhathi eside beveza ukuthi uthando aluyona into eyenzeka kanambambili. Futhi akuyona into emile. Incazelo yethu yothando iyashintsha ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, njengoba kwenza umuzwa wethu wothando. Kumele ukuqonde lokhu ngaphambi kokukhathazeka ngombuzo wokuphuma othandweni ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside.

"Angifuni wena." "Ngiyakuthanda kodwa angithandani nawe." "Ngiphelelwa yimizwa ngawe." “Ngikhula othandweni.” Sisho la mazwi ethusayo kumlingani wethu esithandana naye omangele futhi ovamisile ukuthi ubengazi ukuthi besizizwa lezi zinto. Sisebenzisa izigangi eziningi ukubhekana nobuhlungu bokukhuluma lokho okungashiwongo. Kodwa 'sizama ukusho ukuthini'?

Sonke besilokhu silapho, sibhekene nokuncipha kwesifiso njengoba impilo ithatha indawo. Yingakho sibuze le mibuzo kuchwepheshe wethu wobudlelwano, uRuchi Ruuh , (idiploma ye-Postgraduate kwi-counseling psychology) ogxile ekuhambisaneni, imingcele, ukuzithanda, kanye nokwelulekwa kokwamukela, sambuza ukuthi ukuyeka uthando kuyinto evamile nokuthi yini okufanele ayenze ngakho.

What Falling Out Of Love uzizwa Kanjani

Kodwa okokuqala, isikhashana sothando. Kanti uthando lunjani? Umbhali nesishoshovu sezenhlalo, uBell Hooks, emsebenzini wakhe omuhle ophathelene nezothando - All About Love - ucaphuna imbongi yaseMelika uDiane Ackerman: “Sisebenzisa igama elithi uthando ngendlela ewubudlabha kangangokuthi lingasho lutho noma yonke into.” Akumangalisi ukuthi umuzwa wokuwa othandweni nawo awutholakali futhi uyadida.

Kwesinye isikhathi kulula ukuqonda uthando ngokuchaza ukuthi luzwakala kanjani esikhundleni salokho. U-Ruchi uthi, “Uthando, okungenani esigabeni se-honeymoon, luzizwa njenganoma yimuphi omunye umlutha wezidakamizwa. Uyanezela, “Nokho, bonke ubuhlobo buba sengozini ngemva kokuphela kwenkathi yokuqala ye-honeymoon. Uma lokhu kusabela kwamakhemikhali ebuchosheni sekunciphile, singaba nobuhlobo obunothando, obuzinzile noma singazizwa singakhululekile ngokulahlekelwa 'yinjabulo' noma 'umuzwa wothando'."

Yingakho ngaphambi kokufuna iseluleko 'sokuhlukana nothando', kubalulekile ukuqinisekisa ukuthi lokho obhekene nakho kuwukuguquka okuvamile kusuka esigabeni sothando olunentshisekelo nolunentshiseko kuya ekubeni nobudlelwano obuqinile, noma ukuphela kokusondelana nokuzibophezela kwangempela. Lokhu kusiletha embuzweni obaluleke kakhulu. Ungawubona kanjani lo mehluko? Ungawubona kanjani ukuthi ukuhlukana nothando kuzwakala kanjani ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside?

Ucwaningo oluthakazelisayo luzama ukuchaza isingathekiso 'sokuhlukana nothando'. Lukuqhathanisa "nomuzwa wokuwa edwaleni. Njengoba umuntu ewa akukho ukulawula, akukho ndlela yokuma... Kuwumuzwa wokuphahlazeka nokuchotshozwa lapho eshaywa." Kulandelwa "ukuphuka okungenalutho, okungenalutho, okuphukile." Ngamafuphi, ukuhlukana nothando kuzwakala kubuhlungu, kungenakusiza, kushaqisa, futhi kuyakhathaza. Izimpawu nezimpawu zokuhlukana othandweni ezibonakala kahle cishe zizuzisa kakhulu ekuqondeni lo muzwa.

Izimpawu zokuthi Uphelelwa Othandweni Ebudlelwaneni Obuhlala Isikhathi Eside

Ayikho indlela engcono yokuqonda imiqondo engaqondakali njengokuthi 'uthando' kanye 'nokulahlekelwa uthando' kunokubheka izimpawu nezimpawu zabo. Uyazi ukuthi usothandweni lapho uzwa ukusondelana ngokomzimba nangokomzwelo ne-SO yakho. Ungaqiniseka ukuthi kuwuthando lapho ukuxhumana nabo kuzwakala kulula, lapho uzwa injabulo mayelana nemigomo eyabiwe esikhathini esizayo esivamile, lapho uthola injabulo ezintweni abazifezile.

Ngokufanayo, kuthiwani ngokuyeka uthando noma ukulahlekelwa imizwa ? Yini oyibonayo uma uyeka uthando nentombi yakho noma isoka lakho? Nazi izimpawu ezinhlanu wena noma umlingani wakho niyeka uthando ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside.

1. Uzizwa unenzondo ngomlingani wakho

Ngokuvamile okubizwa ngokuthi umbulali wobudlelwane buthule, ukunqwabelana kwamagqubu akwenzeki ngosuku. Amagqubu ayinqwaba yazo zonke izingxabano ezingaxazululiwe ebudlelwaneni. Ukubeka kumagama angokomzwelo, ukucasuka kuzwakala njengokucasuka, ukucasuka, ukungabi nabulungisa noma ukungalungi, kanye nokukhungatheka. Uma uzibuza ukuthi, “Ngabe ngaphelelwa uthando ngemva kokulinyazwa?”, kungenzeka ukuthi kwenzeka ngoba wena nomlingani wakho anizange niyilungise imbangela yokulimala kwenu.

URuchi uthi: “Lapho uqala ukuzizwa ungasekelwa, ungathandwa, futhi ungezwakali ebudlelwaneni, izwi elibi lobuhlobo liyakhuphuka.” Lokhu kusho ukuthi njalo nangokuphindaphindiwe uzithola ubambe igqubu ngomngane wakho womshado, uzama ukuziphendulela ezingxabanweni esikhundleni sokuqonda umbono womlingani wakho.

Embuzweni othi “Waphuma kanjani othandweni?”, umsebenzisi we-reddit uphendule wathi, “Uma bekudumaza izikhathi eziningi, uqala ukubabona ngendlela ehlukile.” Ukuzizwa unemizwa emibi ngokuphindaphindiwe kudala ukunqotshwa kwemizwa emibi. Yingakho inzondo ingenye yezimpawu eziphambili zomlingani wakho ukuthi uyayeka ukuthandana nawe. Noma wena uyayeka.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izinhlobo Ezi-8 Zokusondelana Ebudlelwaneni - Nokuthi Ungasebenza Kanjani Kuzo

2. Zonke izinhlobo zokusondelana ziyancipha uma uphuma othandweni ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside

Lapho ukhula ngenxa yothando, awusazizwa uthambekele ekuhlanganyeleni ubuhlobo obuseduze nomlingani wakho. URuchi uthi: “Awusamtholi umngane wakho womshado emuhle noma ekhanga njengoba wawunjalo ekuqaleni komshado, izinto ezincane njengephunga lomzimba wakhe, izinwele zakhe zezinwele, nesimo sobuso bakhe zingase ziqale ukukucasula.

Kodwa-ke, kungaba ukucabanga kwangaphambi kwesikhathi ukuthi ukulahlekelwa yinhlansi njalo kusho ukulahlekelwa uthando. Ubuhlobo bonke budlula ekuziphendukeni nasekugelezeni kocansi okungalandelelwa kwezinye izimbangela ezahlukahlukene. Yingakho kubalulekile ukubona ukusondelana okubandakanya kakhulu. Cabanga, ukusondelana ngokomzwelo, ukusondelana kwengqondo , ukusondelana ngokomoya. Uma usuqhelelene, lezi zinkulumo zizokuthinta:

• Angizwani nokwabelana ngezithombe ezinhle kakhulu zosuku lwami nozakwethu
• Asisakhulumi ngekusasa
• Uzakwethu akayena engifuna ukuxoxa ngencwadi/uhlelo lwe-TV/imuvi engifunde/engayibuka naye
• Ngizizwa ngingakhululekile futhi ngingakhululekile ezikhathini zokuthula okwabelwana ngazo
• Angicabangi ukuthi ngingabathemba ngeqiniso
• Sabhebhana sodwa

3. Awusichithi isikhathi nabo

Ukuntula ukusondelana nokwethembana ngokwemvelo kusho ukuthi uyeka ukuchitha isikhathi nomlingani wakho. URuchi uthi: “Bonke ubusuku obunabo ekuqaleni, isifiso sokuchitha isikhathi sokulala nabo siyaphela kungazelelwe.

Uma uzizwa ukhululekile kakhulu ukude nomlingani wakho kunasenkampanini yakhe, kufanele uqaphele isimo sobudlelwano bakho njengamanje. Akuyona nje into yemvelo kodwa kuyinto enhle ukufuna nokukhulisa ubuntu kanye nesikhala somuntu siqu ebudlelwaneni . Kodwa-ke, akufanele uzame ukubalekela umlingani wakho ngaso sonke isikhathi kodwa kunalokho uchithe isikhathi nabanye abantu.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ulimi Lothando Lwesikhathi Esiphezulu: Incazelo, Imibono Nezibonelo

4. Udala ukuxhumana ngokomzwelo kwenye indawo

UMichelle Janning, uprofesa wezenhlalo eWhitman College, eWashington, e-US, uphawula lapha , “Ngokomlando, umlingani kwakungalindelekile ukuthi ahlangabezane nezidingo zomlingani wakhe ezingokomzwelo. Umshado wawuvame ukusekelwa ekuphepheni kwezomnotho, indawo, izibopho zomndeni kanye nemigomo yokuzala. (…) Kodwa eminyakeni engama-200 edlule, ukuqonda kwethu ubudlelwano kushintshile. Okokuqala ngqa ukugcwalisa izidingo zomuntu wesithathu ezingokomzwelo kungabonakala njengokukhaphela.”

Manje, uma kukhona ukuntuleka kokusondelana ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni bakho bamanje, ngokwemvelo uholwa kwenye indawo uzama ukugcwalisa leso sikhala. URuchi uthi, “Lokhu kuxhumana okusha okungokomzwelo kungase kube izingane zakho, umndeni wakho, osebenza nabo, abangane, noma esinye isithakazelo sothando.”

Abanye abantu bangalinganisa ukungathembeki ngokomzwelo njengokulimaza kakhulu nokulimazayo kunokungathembeki ngokomzimba. Imibhangqwana ehlukana nothando ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside ibika ukuthi izizwa ithukuthele ngokulinganayo ngabalingani bayo ngokwabelana ngempilo yabo eningi nokuba nesibopho esiqinile nonina, noma umngane, noma izingane esikhundleni sokuba nabo. Lokhu kubonisa ukuthi uthando luhlobene kanjani nokuxhumana ngokomzwelo nokuthi ukuntuleka kwesibopho ngokomzwelo kungabonisa kanjani ukulahlekelwa uthando.

5. Ubakhulumela kabi phambi kwabanye

Ungenzi iphutha lokhu njengokuphumela obala ngobudlelwano bakho nomngane omethembayo. Noma ukhononda kancane mayelana ne-quirk ecasulayo. Wonke umuntu uyakwenza lokho kanye ngesikhathi. Kodwa-ke, uma uzithola ukhuluma kabi ngomlingani wakho phambi kwabanye, kukhombisa ukuthi awusamhloniphi futhi awunankinga nokumzwisa ubuhlungu.

URuchi uthi: “Lapho uqala ukukhononda ngomngane wakho womshado kwabanye ngisho nangaphambi kokuba ukhulume naye, kuwuphawu olungathi sína lokungakhulumisani, ukungathembani nokucasuka, lokhu kubonisa ngokusobala ukuthi ubuhlobo benu busenkingeni enkulu.”

Ungakwazi Ukuyeka Ukuwa Othandweni?

Nokho, impendulo emfushane yalowo mbuzo inguyebo! Impendulo ende, nokho, idinga ukuzazisa okuqotho futhi uphendule umbuzo olandelayo - uyafuna? Lapho uthando luqala ukufiphala, kungenzeka ngokuphelele ukumisa inqubo endleleni yalo futhi uyihlehlise. Kodwa kuphela uma bobabili abalingani behlanganyela umgomo ofanayo futhi bezinikele ngokulinganayo kuwo.

URuchi uthi, “Qonda iqiniso lokuthi ebudlelwaneni obuhlala isikhathi eside, njengomshado, nakanjani uzobhekana nezinkinga ezinkulu nezimbi.” Ngenxa yezinyathelo ezibalulekile empilweni njengokubeletha, ukukhulisa izingane, ukubhekana nesifo esingenalutho uma sezihambile, izifo nokukhubazeka okusha, izinguquko ezihambisana nokuguga, umsebenzi, ukuvikela ikusasa, kanye nezibopho ezintsha. Ebudlelwaneni obuhlala isikhathi eside, kuningi okuphonswa kumbhangqwana. Lokho okwenzayo ngakho nendlela okusingatha ngayo yikho okunquma ukuthi ungakwazi yini ukulungisa ubudlelwano uma ulahlekelwa imizwa ngomlingani wakho.

Yingakho uRuchi enezela, “Igrafu yakho ‘yemizwa’ izokwehla izikhathi eziningi. Futhi uzokwenza ubuhlobo busebenze isikhathi ngasinye. Ukugqashuka noma ukuhlehla ebuhlotsheni akusho ukuthi ngeke kulungiswe.” Manje njengoba sesikuqondile lokho, u-Ruchi wenza iziphakamiso ezimbalwa ezingakusiza uzulazule ezikhathini ezineziyaluyalu ebudlelwaneni bakho. Hhayi nje ukulungisa isikhashana, uthi, zingase zibe usizo izikhathi ezimbalwa phakathi nobudlelwano benu.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izindlela Ezingu-20 Zokwenza Indoda Yakho Iphinde Ikuthandane Nawe

Yini Okufanele Uyenze Uma Uphelelwa Othandweni Ebudlelwaneni Besikhathi Eside?

Ngaphambi kokuqhubeka ufunda, thatha lesi sikhathi uphefumule futhi uzibuze, "Ingabe ngizinikele ngempela kule nqubo?" Nansi imibuzo embalwa engakusiza ukuthi uhlole izinga lakho lokuzinikela:

• Ingabe ngitshalwe kulobu budlelwano?
• Uma konke kuzolunga, ingabe ngizizwa ngijabule ngokwabelana nabo ngekusasa?
• Ingabe ngizimisele ukuba sengozini?
• Ingabe ngikulungele ukuvumelana lapho kudingekile?
• Ngikulungele ukuthatha ukuziphendulela ebudlelwaneni bami ngamaphutha ami?
• Ngisho noma kuzoba nzima, kuzofaneleka! Ngiyavuma?

Uma uphendule ngoyebo emibuzweni eminingi, uma kungesiyo yonke; uma uvame ukuthi, “Ngiphelelwa uthando kodwa angifuni ukuhlukana”; sicabanga ukuthi usukulungele ukuthatha izinyathelo ezidingekayo, ulungise ubudlelwano noma inkinga yomshado, futhi ubuyise inhlansi.

1. Lawula ukucasuka ngaso leso sikhathi

Ukulahlekelwa yiseluleko sothando ngokwemvelo kungaba ukukhonza uphawu lokuqala. Uyakhumbula ukuqongelela kwezinkinga ezingaxazululwanga okuholela ekucasukeni? “Ulaka ebudlelwaneni lungasakazeka ngokushesha, ngakho-ke sebenzela ekuxazululeni inkinga ngaphambi kokuba ibe yinkinga yomshado , enkulu kakhulu ukuba ungayisingatha,” kusho uRuchi.

Isibonelo, uma umuntu oyedwa echitha isikhathi esiningi emsebenzini, kungokwemvelo ukuthi omunye umlingani azizwe ekhishwa inyumbazane. Uma ubona ukucasuka kukhula, xoxa ngobuqotho ngale ndaba. Umlingani wakho kufanele akubeke ukuzethemba, akwenze uzizwe ungcono, futhi nichithe isikhathi esihle ndawonye. “Uma unikeza ubuhlobo bakho usizo lokuqala oludingekayo, angeke buguquke bube yisilonda esibhibhayo,” u-Ruchi efingqa ngobuhlakani.

2. Yakhani kabusha ukwethembana ukuze nikhulume ngezindaba ngokungesabi

Ngokungangabazeki, uma ubungasebenzisa iphuzu lokuqala, bekuyodingeka wakhe kabusha ukwethembana futhi wenze imizamo yokuthuthukisa isimo sobuhlobo bakho esikhuthaza ukukhulumisana okungavinjelwe. Lokhu kuyiqiniso ikakhulukazi uma inkinga ozithola ukuyo ithi: “Ngabe ngaphelelwa uthando ngemva kokukopela noma ngemva kokuqolwa?”

Lapho ningena futhi niphuma othandweni kaningi, kungase kube nzima ukubeka ithemba kule nqubo. Nokho, kufanele. Kodwa nansi ingxenye ekhohlisayo!

Ukwethembana okuphukile kungalungiswa kuphela ngomkhuba wokubeka ithemba lakho komunye nomunye futhi nibone konke. Ngokuzibophezela ezenzweni, ngokugcina izwi lakho, ngokungaphenduli kabi lapho umlingani wakho abelana nawe ngezinto ezimkhathazayo. Njengesimo senkukhu neqanda, kufanele ubonise ukwethemba ukuze wakhe kabusha ukwethembana.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Indlela Yokubuyisa Ukwethenjwa Ngemva Kokukopela: Izindlela Eziyi-12 Ngokusho Kochwepheshe

3. Yamukela imizamo yokulungisa evela kuphathina wakho

Akukhona ukuthi imibhangqwana ehlakaniphile ngokomzwelo noma imibhangqwana esebudlelwaneni obuvuthiwe ayibhekani nezingxabano/izinselele, noma ayiphikisani ngazo. Iqiniso liwukuthi bayashesha ukulungisa inkambo. Bobabili abalingani benza imizamo efanayo kulokhu.

Ngemibhangqwana enjalo, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo saseMelika uDkt. John Gottman saphawula iphethini. Waphawula ukuthi ngesikhathi sokulwa, omunye umlingani uhlale enza umzamo omncane wokujikijela ibhantshi lokuphila. Lesi senzo sokubuyisana singaba ngendlela yehlaya noma isitatimende, noma isho. Kodwa okubaluleke nakakhulu, omunye umlingani uyashesha ukukubona, abambe ithuba, abambe ibhantshi lokuziphilisa futhi alisebenzise ukuze ahlale entanta, ukuze alulaze isimo sengqondo futhi abuyele esimweni esivamile.

Lapho uxabana kakhulu nomlingani wakho, kufanele uzimisele ukudedela intukuthelo yakho futhi ubone izinto ngombono womlingani wakho. Kubalulekile ngokufanayo ukuthi ungahlali ugxilile enkingeni onayo futhi wamukele imizamo yokulungisa eyenziwa umlingani wakho. Lokhu kungase kuzwakale kulula kakhulu, kodwa kubalulekile – kwamukele ukuxolisa komlingani wakho lapho ethi uyaxolisa.

4. Dala amasiko nezinqubo ozobuyela kuzo

Imikhuba imikhuba eyenziwa nsuku zonke, kuyilapho amasiko kuyinkambiso edalwe ngenhloso ngenjongo enhle. Amasiko nezinqubo kudala indawo yokujwayela nokunethezeka ongabuyela kuyo ngezikhathi zobunzima. Ngesikhathi sokungqubuzana nenhlekelele, izinqubo ziphenduka isihlenga esidingwa umuntu emanzini aneziyaluyalu.

Lolu cwaningo lusikisela ukuthi “amasiko obudlelwano ayasebenza ngoba abonisa ukuzibophezela kwabalingani ebuhlotsheni babo.” Ngaphezu kwalokho, “amasiko ahlotshaniswa nemizwa emihle kakhulu kanye nokwaneliseka okukhulu ebuhlotsheni njengoba ukwabelana ngolwazi kubaluleke kakhulu ekwenzeni amasiko okuxhumana nabantu abe ithuluzi eliphumelelayo lobumbano lomphakathi.”

“Ukuba nokuthile ongancika kukho kungenza izimangaliso ebuhlotsheni obuseduze nokuwohloka,” kusho uRuchi. “Isibonelo,” uyanezela, “ukungena ngokushesha etafuleni lokudla kwasekuseni, ukumanga/ukuqabulana ngesikhathi sokuhamba, ukuhlikihla umhlane womlingani wakho njalo ebusuku, ukuya emikhubeni emikhulu efana nobusuku bokuqomisana ngoLwesihlanu kanye ‘nezinsuku zokukhathalelana’ kungaba ‘okuvamile’ kwakho.” Uma kunzima ukubonisa uthando, kodwa usafuna, imikhuba izosiza.

5. Funa usizo lwangaphandle, okungcono kakhulu ukwelashwa kwabashadile

“Ukuyothola ukwelashwa lapho ubona izimpawu zokuqala zokuqubuka kwe-crack kungasindisa umonakalo omkhulu ongenzeki,” kusho uRuchi. "Izikhathi eziningi, sidinga indlebe engachemi ukuze sivuleleke kuyo. Sidinga isiqondiso sochwepheshe ukuze sifunde ukuthi singasabela kanjani ezingxabanweni, singasebenza kanjani ezintweni ezisibangelayo futhi sigweme ukuvezela ozakwethu ubuhlungu."

Ukufunda ukuthi yini eshintshile kusukela kulokho okwakunikhanga ekuqaleni, kuya endleleni enibonana ngayo manje kungaba yinto evula amehlo kubo bobabili abalingani. Uma ufuna isiqondiso sochwepheshe, iphaneli labeluleki abaqeqeshiwe beBonobology lingaba yilokho okudingayo.

Akungabazeki ukuthi impilo izofika ngendlela yothando. Kodwa ubudlelwano besikhathi eside abugcini nje ngothando. Lokho umuntu akudingayo ekubambisaneni okude nokujabulisayo umuzwa wokuzinza, ukuzibophezela, ukulondeka, injabulo, ubungane, nokunye okuningi. Umsebenzisi we -reddit ukubeka kahle. "Ngicabanga ukuthi uthando lweqiniso noluhlala njalo lusekela ukukhula okuqhubekayo kwabantu bobabili njengabantu futhi ngalokho ukukhula kuza nenhlonipho kanye nothando olujulile."

Kungokwemvelo ukuzwa sengathi uthando luyaphela ebudlelwaneni benu. Kodwa uma uzibophezele ekuboneni ubungane bakho nengxenye yakho engcono, ungakwazi ukuhlehlisa inqubo yokuwa othandweni bese ubuyela ngaphakathi!

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Ukucasuka Ebudlelwaneni - Izimpawu, Izimbangela, Futhi Ukuyeka Kanjani

Izimpawu Ezi-4 Zobudlelwano Okungalingani Namathiphu Ayi-7 Ochwepheshe Okukhuthaza Ukulingana Ebudlelwaneni

Izimpawu Eziyi-10 Ukuthi Usebudlelwaneni Obuzinzile (Ngisho Noma Uzizwa Kungenjalo)

Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

Bheka Inqubo Yethu Yokuhlela

Hlangana Nebhodi Lethu Lokubuyekeza

Yabelana Ngempendulo

Ithini impendulo yakho?

×

Eziwusizo Bika Iphutha Izincwajana zemininingwane

Hambisa