Izimpawu Eziyi-10 Zokwenqatshwa Ebudlelwaneni Nokufanele Ukwenze

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Ungacabanga ukuthi uma usuqomile ungayeka ukukhathazeka ngokukwaliwa. Ayikho inhlanhla enjalo. Ukwenqatshwa kungavusa ikhanda lakho elibi ebudlelwaneni obuseduze futhi izimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebuhlotsheni ziningi. Akufani ncamashi nokuba nesipoki ngomdlalo we-Tinder, kodwa kuyahlaba nokho, mhlawumbe nangaphezulu.

Ukuzizwa wenqatshwa umlingani, noma ngabe nobabili nibuchazile ubudlelwano, kungaba buhlungu futhi kudide. Izimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni kwesinye isikhathi zingase zingacaci futhi zingahambisani, zikushiye uzibuza ukuthi kusho ukuthini, ukuthi bathumela izimpawu ezixubile noma cha, nokuthi kusho ukuthini lokhu ebudlelwaneni bakho. Futhi, yini emhlabeni okufanele uyenze lapho uthando noma ukuthanda kubanda kungazelelwe?

Kuzoba nenqwaba yemibuzo engqondweni yakho, futhi nakuba siqinisekisa ukuthi izimpendulo ngeke zibe mnandi noma yini ofuna ukuyizwa, kunempilo ukucaca ebudlelwaneni kunokuba uhlale ungakhululekile, ungakhululekile.

Sikhulume nomqeqeshi wokuphila kahle kwemizwa nokucabanga Pooja Priyamvada (egunyazwe ku-Psychological and Mental Health Usizo Lokuqala oluvela ku-Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health kanye ne-University of Sydney), ogxile ekwelulekeni kwabangaphandle komshado, ukuhlukana, ukuhlukana, usizi, nokulahlekelwa, ukubala okumbalwa. Uveze ezinye zezimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni, nokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nakho ngaphandle kokulahlekelwa umqondo wakho.

Yini Edala Ukulahlwa Ebudlelwaneni

Okuqukethwe

Izimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni nazo zingaba izimpawu zokuwohloka kobudlelwano. Kodwa, yini engumsuka walokhu kwenqatshwa? Yini edala ukuthi abantu baqale ukufulathela umaqondana?

"Ukwenqatshwa kungaba ngenxa yezizathu eziningi," UPooja uthi. “Abanye abantu besaba ukuzibophezela noma ukwakha ubuhlobo njengoba benomuzwa wokuthi inkululeko yabo izoncishiswa.

Ukukhathazeka ngobudlelwane kuyiqiniso futhi ukwesaba ukwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni kungavela ekuhlukumezekeni okujulile noma umlando wokuhlukumeza. Ukuzinikela-phobe, ngakolunye uhlangothi, kungabonisa ukwenqatshwa ngokomzwelo, besaba izinguquko ezimpilweni zabo abangafuni ukubhekana nazo. Lokhu, futhi, kuholela ku ubudlelwano bohlangothi olulodwa, imizwa yesizungu esikhulu, nokungalondeki kobudlelwane.

Kubalulekile ukuthi uzame ukuhlonza izizathu ezidala ukwenqatshwa kwakho ukuze wazi ukuthi ngabe kubangelwa ukwesaba futhi udinga ukuqinisekiswa, noma uma nje usebenzelana nomuntu ongenandaba nezidingo zakho, lapho-ke kufanele usuke kulobo budlelwano.

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Izimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni ziyahlukahluka futhi zingaba ezicashile. Qaphela, ungaweli emgodini wokucabanga ukuthi umlingani wakho ukunqaba njalo lapho behamba nabangane noma besebenza ngemuva kwesikhathi. Nazi ezinye izimpawu zangempela zokuthi wenqatshwa omunye wakho obalulekile:

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1. Bahlale bematasatasa

UPooja uthi: “Umlingani unelungelo lesikhathi sakhe nempilo ehlukene kodwa futhi kudingeka azinike isikhathi sokuba nawe nobudlelwano.

Kunomugqa omuhle phakathi kokuqinisekisa ukuthi bonke abantu abasebudlelwaneni banempilo ecebile, enempilo kanye nokuba khona komunye nomunye ngokubeka isikhathi nomzamo ebudlelwaneni. Inkulumo esetshenziswa kakhulu ethi 'ibhalansi yempilo yomsebenzi' iphinde isho ukugxila ezintweni ezingaphandle kwalokho okukwenza ube 'matasatasa'. Ukucabangela ebudlelwaneni obuseduze ibalulekile njalo.

Ekugcineni, kuyisinqumo sokuthi ungabi yingxenye yobudlelwano obuhlangene nokwenqatshwa ngokomzwelo. Futhi, kuwukukhetha futhi ukuthi ungabi ngumuntu ukuziphatha kwakhe okuveza ngokusobala izimpawu zokulahlwa ebuhlotsheni. Ufanelwe wumuntu ozovela kuwe uma umdinga futhi okubeka phambili isikhathi esiningi.

Kunjalo, oyedwa noma nobabili nizoba matasa ngomsebenzi, umndeni, kanye nezibopho ezingaphandle kobudlelwane benu ngezikhathi ezithile. Kodwa konke kumayelana a ubudlelwano obulinganiselayo futhi abukho ubuhlobo obuphumelelayo ngaphandle komzamo wezinhlangothi zombili.

2. Abalokothi baphendule izingcingo noma imiyalezo

Oh, ubuhlungu besipoki, lapho bevele banyamalale futhi benqabe ukuxhumana nganoma iyiphi indlela. Lesi ngesinye sezimpawu zakudala zokulahlwa ebudlelwaneni. Ukuzizwa wenqatshwa uzakwethu ngale ndlela kungenzeka ukuthi kubi kakhulu njengoba ukuxhumana ngobudlelwano kubalulekile ekugcineni isibopho, futhi ghosting uyayiphika ngokuphelele.

"Izimpendulo zabo emibhalweni zibambezelekile futhi abakaze bazibambe izingcingo zakho. Ukuxhumana kwansuku zonke kubalulekile ebudlelwaneni - yindlela enivuselelana ngayo ezintweni ezincane (nezinkulu) ezenzeka empilweni yakho. Uma bengaphenduli okungenani isikhathi esiningi, lokho kungenye yezimpawu zokuncipha kobudlelwano," kusho uPooja.

Manje, masingacabangi ukuthi umbhalo oshiywe kokuthi 'fundiwe' kancane umemezela ngokuzenzakalelayo izimpawu zokulahlwa kowesilisa noma owesifazane ombonayo. Kodwa uma kuba yinto evamile futhi kufanele ubonakale uzabalaza ukuze wenze noma yiluphi uhlobo lokuxhumana nabo, udinga ukubazisa ukuthi lokho akulungile, bese uthola ukuthi lobu ubudlelwano ofuna ngisho ukuhlala kubo.

3. Bavame ukuphinda bathi abakakulungeli ukuzibophezela

Kuhle ukuzibophezela kwakudala-phobes! Bekuyoba kuphi ukukhuluma ngobudlelwano ngaphandle kwabo! Qaphela, umuntu othi akakakulungeli ukuzibophezela kungase kungasho ukuthi ngeke ahlale ekulungele. Kodwa kusho ukuthi basesimweni esihlukile ebudlelwaneni nasezimpilweni zabo, okusho ukuthi empeleni benqaba lokho okudingayo ebuhlotsheni.

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“Izimemezelo eziphindaphindiwe zokuthi abakulungele kanjani ukuzibophezela zingasho ukuthi uzakwethu usevele ekwimodi yokumelana futhi ufuna izaba zokwenqaba,” kuxwayisa u-Pooja.

Lokho kusanda kwenzeka ngoMarina, umdidiyeli wesoftware oneminyaka engama-30 waseDelaware. “Ngangibona umuntu isikhathi esingaphezu kwezinyanga eziyisishiyagalombili futhi njalo lapho kukhulunywa ngekusasa noma ukuzibophezela, wayevele abhonge noma asho ukuthi wayengakakulungeli ukuzibophezela okunjalo,” usho kanje.

Uma ubheka izimpawu zokulahlwa owesilisa noma owesifazane, i-phobia yokuzibophezela nakanjani okumele sikuxwaye. I-phobia yokuzibophezela ingase ibangelwe ukwesaba ukwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni futhi, ngakho-ke uma uzimisele ngempela kubo, ungase ufune ukujula ekuzibophezeleni kwabo. Uma kungenjalo, yisikhathi sokuqhubekela phambili futhi uthathe lokhu njengezimpawu eziphelele zokulahlwa ebuhlotsheni.

4. Babona abanye abantu

Lalela, sisonke ukuvula ubudlelwano kanye ne-polyamory, kodwa lokhu kusho ukuthi bonke abathintekayo ebudlelwaneni bavumelene lapho izinto zimi khona mayelana nokwethembeka nokwethembeka. Uma ungafuni ukubona abanye abantu, kodwa umlingani wakho ebona, lokho kungukuchithwa kwemigomo yakho yobudlelwano.

"Uma beyigcina ivulekile nawe, kungenzeka ukuthi usendaweni esengozini enkulu yokwenqaba ukusuka ekugcineni kwabo," kusho uPooja. Ngisho noma bekhuluma iqiniso ngokubona abanye abantu futhi banganyonyobeli ngemuva kwakho, iqiniso liwukuthi bacabanga ukuthi lobu ubuhlobo obungajwayelekile noma abangani abanezinzuzo. Nalapha futhi, akukho okubi ngalokho, ngaphandle uma ufuna izinto ezihlukile ezizogcina zigcine ngokulimala. Izinhlobo zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni zifaka phakathi ukungabi sekhasini elilodwa mayelana nohlobo lobudlelwano obufunayo. Futhi, awudingi ukuthatha lokho.

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5. Abenzi izinhlelo ezibambekayo nawe

“Uma ujwayele ukuba wuhlelo lwabo oluyisipele hhayi uhlelo oluyinhloko, lokhu kusho ngokusobala ukuthi awuyona into ehamba phambili kubo,” kuphawula uPooja. Ukwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni kuvame ukuvela ngendlela yokungacaci okukhungathekisayo uma kuziwa ekwenzeni izinhlelo, noma ukushaywa umoya njalo.

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“Bengibona umuntu izinyanga ezimbalwa, futhi kwakubonakala sengathi uya ndawana thize.” Kodwa-ke ngabona ukuthi wayehlale engitshela ukuthi akanaso isikhathi sami, kodwa wayebonakala enesikhathi sakho konke okunye,” kusho u-Andie, 33, umdidiyeli we-podcast.

Izimpawu zokulahlwa kowesilisa noma owesifazane zingaba buhlungu uma omunye wenu ezama ukuhlanganisa ubuhlobo futhi omunye enqaba ukwenza izinhlelo, nibonane njalo, njalo njalo. Ngakho-ke, uma njalo uma uhlela ikhefu elincane noma usuku, bayakumisa noma bekutshela ukuthi bamatasa, qhubekela phambili.

6. Awukaze uhlangane nomndeni noma abangani abaseduze

Hhayi ukuthi kufanele uhlangane nomndeni wabo wonke owandisiwe kanye kanye (empeleni, mhlawumbe ungakugwema lokho unomphela!), kodwa ubudlelwano obuseduze ngempela bumayelana nokwazi omunye umuntu, futhi ingxenye yalokho ukuya kubantu abasondelene nabo futhi kade babazi.

Uma kungakhulunywa ngokukwethula ukuthi nizipholele nabangani babo noma uma kukhulunywa ngokuthi uhlangane nomama wabo kubenza babhodloke, lokho kungenye yezimpawu zokungamukeleki ebudlelwaneni. Noma ngabe konke kumayelana ukukhuluma nomlingani mayelana nomndeni ongasebenzi kahle, kusewuhlobo lokusondelana ukuxoxa ngakho.

Lokhu kungenye yezinhlobo zokwaliwa okufanele uzibheke uma uke wazethula kubangani bakho futhi okungenani ukhulume ngazo nomndeni wakho. Lokhu kukhombisa nje ukuthi usezindaweni ezihlukene ebudlelwaneni futhi ulindele okuhlukile, okungavamile ukuphela kahle.

7. Akuyena umuntu wokuqala ongambiza ukuze uthole induduzo

Cha, lokhu akufani nokuba intombi enamathelayo noma isoka. Uma ungumuntu othile futhi ekuwe, ungumuntu wokuqala ofuna ukukhuluma naye uma unosuku olubi, noma ngisho nosuku oluhle kakhulu. Impela ungumuntu wokuqala ofuna ukuya kuye ukuze uthole induduzo lapho udinga ukuqinisekiswa kancane.

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UNatalie, oneminyaka engu-26, oyisikhulu sezindaba zabasebenzi eSan Francisco, uthi: “Ngikhumbula ngithandana nomfana owayehlale engilulaza, angizange ngicabange kangako ngakho ekuqaleni kodwa ngokushesha ngabona ukuthi ngangingazizwa ngilondekile ukukhuluma ngezinto ezingikhathazayo nezinto ezingibangelayo nanoma yisiphi isimo lapho ngangimdinga khona.”

Umuntu wakho obalulekile ngeke ahlale etholakala kuwena uma umdinga - lokho kungenye yamaqiniso abuhlungu kakhulu ebudlelwaneni. Kodwa enye yezimpawu ezinkulu zokungamukeleki ebudlelwaneni ukuthi omunye umuntu akabi khona lapho umdinga, noma uyakuxubha ngezikhathi zesidingo.

8. Abavamile ukufuna ukusondelana ngokomzimba

Ukusondelana ngokomzimba kuyingxenye enkulu yobudlelwano futhi lokhu kubandakanya ukuthinta okungekona okocansi. Manje kunjalo, kungenzeka ukuthi abakho nje ku-PDA noma banenkinga ngokuthintana ngokomzimba ngokuvamile, lapho kuyinto okumele ihloniphe futhi ikhulume ngayo ngesikhathi esithile.
Kodwa uzokwazi ukuthi bakugodla ngokukhethekile. Mhlawumbe baphila kahle ngokuba nomzimba nokuba nesiphithiphithi nabangani babo nokugona abanye abantu kodwa abavamile ukuthinta. Mhlawumbe njalo uma uyobamba isandla sabo, bayasuka.

Ukwenqatshwa ngokomzimba kungaba yingozi kakhulu, ngakho khumbula ukuthi akusho ukuthi uyabaxosha, kodwa kungase kusho ukuthi abafuni ukusondelana nawe. Futhi, lokhu kungenye yezimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni. Ulimi lothando lokuthinta ngokomzimba akuyona eyawo wonke umuntu, nokho, ngakho-ke nakuba lokhu kungase kube enye yezinhlobo zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni, kuyafaneleka ukuba nengxoxo ngakho ngaphambi kokuthatha noma yini.

9. Bavala noma yinini uma ufuna ukukhuluma

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ufuna ukuxoxa ngekusasa noma nje ukuba nengxoxo ezuzisayo, bavale umlomo ngokushesha. Mhlawumbe uzama ukukhuluma ngobudlelwano babo bangaphambili noma ubungane babo, kodwa abazimisele nje ukwabelana.

Lokhu kungase kuvele ku-a ukwesaba ukwaliwa ebudlelwaneni ngakolunye uhlangothi, futhi. Bangase besabe ukuthi uma bexoxa ngezinto zabo zesikhathi esidlule ezizwakala zingathandeki, uzozenqaba. Mhlawumbe bazama nje ukugwema ukulinyazwa ngokukwala ngaphambi kokuba ubalahle, nakuba ungenazo izinhlelo ezinjalo.

Ubudlelwano obunempilo bakheka lapho abantu babelana ngezindaba zabo, okwedlule, kanye (ngethemba) nemibono eyabiwe yesikhathi esizayo, kokubili njengabantu ngabanye nanjengezithandani. Ngakho-ke, uma omunye wakho obalulekile edonsa imizwelo yakhe phansi ngomzuzu lapho kuphakama ingxoxo engathi sína, lokho nakanjani ifulegi elibomvu lobudlelwano kanye nenye yezinhlobo zokulahlwa ebuhlotsheni.

10. Uzizwa uwedwa noma nindawonye

Ingabe uzizwa ongashadile noma ngabe usebudlelwaneni? Uhlezi eduze kwesithandwa sakho esofeni kodwa awukaze uzizwe uwedwa? Ubudlelwano obuhle budinga lelo zinga lokusondelana lapho wazi ukuthi nixhumene.

Lokho akusho ngempela ukuthi nizoba ndawonye kuze kube phakade njengoba ikusasa lihlala lingaqinisekile, kodwa kudingeka kube nokuxhumana okungokwengqondo nengokomzwelo okukwenza uzizwe uphephile futhi uxhumene nabo ngisho nalapho ningekho ndawonye, kunokuba kukwenze uzizwe ekugcineni kwezimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebuhlotsheni.

Uma uzizwa unesizungu ebudlelwaneni bakho, kwaliwe, futhi kubuhlungu ngisho nindawonye, kunomhosha ebudlelwaneni benu okufanele niwulungise. Ngezinye izikhathi, izinhlobo zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni zingazwakala ngisho noma kungashiwo lutho, futhi ngokuvamile, leyo yimizwa edinga ukubhekwa ngokujulile.

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Pho wenzenjani uma wazi ukuthi wenqatshwa umaqondana? Asikho isidingo sokuba sebudlelwaneni obuhlangothi olulodwa noma njalo ubhekane nokulahlwa ngokomzwelo okuvela komunye obalulekile. Isikhathi sokuphinda uthole i-mojo yakho futhi uthathe isinyathelo. Nazi ezinye izinto ezituswa u-Pooja ukuze ubhekane nokwaliwa:

1. Yazisa imizwa yakho

Yisho imizwa yakho futhi uyamukele. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzizwa kanjani - intukuthelo, ubuhlungu, ukukhungatheka, ukudabuka, ukulahlekelwa, usizi, noma imizwa eminingi - mayikugeze futhi uyizwe yonke. Ungazami ukucindezela noma yini, udinga ukuzwa ukuze ululame.

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2. Cabanga ukwenqatshwa njengethuba

Ukwenqatshwa, nakuba kubuhlungu, kungaba yindlela yokwenza kangcono, kube ngcono. Kucabange njengokuhlehla kwesikhashana lapho uzofunda khona ukuba ngumuntu onamandla, ozethembayo owaziyo ukuthi yini ayifunayo futhi ongeke ayekethise. Noma, mhlawumbe ufunda ukuba nobunzima, izingxoxo ezijulile nozakwenu futhi ubenze babone ukuthi bayakulimaza futhi bathole indlela yokwenza izinto zibe ngcono. Noma iyiphi indlela, ukwenqatshwa kungaba okuhlangenwe nakho okukhulu kokufunda.

3. Ziphathe ngozwelo

Uyazi siyasithanda ukuzithanda lapha eBono. Njengoba sishilo, ukwenqatshwa kuyahlaba futhi kungaholela ukuzethemba okuphansi ebudlelwaneni. Ukwenqatshwa akukuchazi nganoma iyiphi indlela, ngakho yiba nomusa kuwe. Zenzele izinto ezikujabulisayo, khumbula ukuthi ungumuntu kakhulu kunomuntu owaliwe.

4. Ungayithathi ngokweqile

“Akuwena, yimina” kungase kube yiqiniso ngezinye izikhathi. Khumbula, kungcono ukwaliwa zisuka nje kunokuba uhlale nomuntu ongenaye ukuhambisana kobudlelwano. Khumbula, akukhona ukuthi awenele njengomuntu noma njengomlingani, mhlawumbe awuyena nje umuntu ofanele kubo. Noma mhlawumbe abekho endaweni ekuphileni kwabo lapho bekulungele ukwamukela wena nothando lwakho.

Ukwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni kungase kuzwakale njengenhlekelele engokomzwelo, futhi kuvamile uma ukusabela kwakho kokuqala kuwukuthethisa umlingani wakho noma ukuphelelwa ithemba. Kodwa kuwukuhlakanipha ukukhumbula ukuthi izenzo zabo zingavela ngenxa yokwesaba kwabo siqu nokungazethembi, futhi nokuthi ukwenqatshwa kwabo bekungeke kuhlanganise lutho nokuthi ungubani njengomuntu.

Izikhombi Ezibalulekile

Izimpawu zokwenqatshwa ebudlelwaneni zihlanganisa ukuhluleka ukwenza izinhlelo eziqondile, ukungabaza ukukhuluma ngekusasa, nokuvala imizwelo.
Izimbangela zokwenqatshwa zingabangelwa ukungazethembi nokwesaba komuntu ngamunye, ukuhlukumezeka kwasebuntwaneni, noma ukwesaba ukuzibophezela
Ukuze ubhekane nokulahlwa, yiba nomusa kuwe, ubone izinto ngokucacile futhi ukhumbule ukuthi ukwenqatshwa akuchazi ukuthi ungubani.

Kunzima ukwenqaba igxathu lakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ungumuntu ozethemba kangakanani. Sonke sifuna ukuzizwa sifunwa futhi sithandwa futhi saziswa, ngemva kwakho konke. Kodwa uma usubonile futhi uvuma izimpawu zokulahlwa, uzoba nombono ongcono wokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nesimo futhi ngethemba, uzokwazi ukwenza kanjalo ngesizotha nangomusa, kokubili kuwe nakumlingani wakho, ngisho ukuqeda ubuhlobo obunobuthi.

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