Izibonelo eziyi-8 Zemingcele Engenampilo Nomfazi Owayengunkosikazi

Efilimini yango-2009, Kuyinkimbinkimbi umbhangqwana ohlukanisile kakhulu, odlalwa uMeryl Streep no-Alec Baldwin, uvuse inhlansi yabo futhi baqala ukuthandana. Okuxakayo ukuthi kubonakala kuphambene nomthetho ngoba omunye wabo ushadile kanti omunye ukhangwa omunye umuntu kanye kanye futhi kukhona nezingane ezihilelekile kulo lonke lolu bishi. Ukuba i-rom-com, konke kuyahlekisa futhi kumnandi. Kodwa ekuphileni kwangempela, kungase kubhekwe njengesibonelo esiyinhloko sokwakha imingcele engenampilo nomkakho wangaphambili.

Kuvamisile ukuthi ama-ex abuyelane, ikakhulukazi uma isehlukaniso besingesibi kakhulu futhi umbhangqwana unqume ukubeka izinto ngemuva. Icala lika-Lily, uchwepheshe wemicimbi ozinze e-UAE uyisibonelo esifanele. Wayezibandakanya nesehlukaniso futhi konke kwakuhamba kahle kwaze kwaba yilapho, ngemva kwezimpi ezimbalwa, izinto zaqala ukwehla.

Kwakuyisikhathi lapho unkosikazi wakhe wangaphambili ebuyela empilweni yakhe. Laba ababili baqala ukuxhumana. “Kwangithinta kakhulu,” esho ngomunyu, “wayephendukela kuye ukuze athole iseluleko futhi elokhu ekhuluma ngezinkinga zethu kuye sonke ngaphansi kwengubo yokuthi babengabangane naphezu kwesehlukaniso.

Inkinga yemingcele engemihle nowangaphambili iphakama lapho oyedwa noma bobabili ababeshade naye sebephinde bashada futhi bahlala kwenye indawo. Noma lapho omunye umlingani engazimisele ukudedela omunye. Uma ungamvimbeli owayeshade naye ebudlelwaneni benu, izinto zingaba nzima ngempela, ngokushesha okukhulu. Ukungqubuzana kwenkosikazi entsha kanye nowayengunkosikazi kungadlondlobala ngokushesha futhi kubangele wonke umuntu ohilelekile.

Ake sixoxe ngemingcele emisha yamakhosikazi kanye nenkosikazi yangaphambili ngemininingwane evela kuchwepheshe wezengqondo Kavita Panyam (I-Masters in Psychology kanye ne-International Affiliate ne-American Psychological Association), umeluleki wezobudlelwano kanye nomsunguli-umqondisi, Isikhungo Sokusikisela Kwengqondo. UKavita uyeluleka, “Khumbula ukuthi ngemva kwesehlukaniso noma ngokwehlukana noma ukuxabana, ungumuntu wesithathu ekuphileni kowayeshade naye. Ungazami ukuba umngane womshado wabo lapho ungaseyena umngane womshado.”

Izibonelo eziyi-8 Zemingcele Engenampilo Nomfazi Owayengunkosikazi

Isehlukaniso siyinto engathandeki futhi engathandeki. Yingakho kubaluleke kakhulu ukubeka imingcele yangemva kwesehlukaniso nomuntu owayengunkosikazi. Ukwehluleka ukwenza lokho kukhombisa ukuthi awukakaqhubekeli phambili. Indawo engokomzwelo nengokwenyama ivumela ukuziveza, ukuhloniphana, kanye ukuzithanda kuyilapho imingcele engenampilo nonkosikazi wakho wangaphambili isho ukuthi usengozini yokusetshenziswa, ukuhlukunyezwa, nokungahlonishwa.

Uma bekuwumshado omude futhi nazana iminyaka eminingi, ukuhlukana nomuntu owake washada ngeke kube lula, ikakhulukazi uma nagcina ngokuthula. Futhi uma kwenzeka uzibuza ukuthi, "Kungani abafazi bangaphambili bezizwa benelungelo?", Kungase kube ngenxa yalokhu kuhlangana okude okungenza kube nzima kumuntu ukwenza ikhefu elihlanzekile kumlingani wakhe wangaphambili noma ngabe ubuhlobo buphelile.

Uma kukhona ozakwethu abasha esimeni, sonke isimo siba nzima kakhulu, sithinta izimpilo ezintathu/ezine ngesikhathi esisodwa. Ngakho yiziphi izibonelo zemingcele engalungile nomuntu owayengunkosikazi futhi yini okufanele ibe yindlela efanele yokuziphatha ngemva kokuhlukana? Funda ku...

1. Ukuvakashela kabusha impilo yakho yakudala yezothando noma yocansi

Uyasikhumbula leso siqephu esivela ku Friends lapho uRachel ethi kuRoss, “Nathi, ubulili abupheli etafuleni”, nakuba babengakaze bathandane iminyaka eminingi kangaka? Ngiyavuma, esimweni samanje, ama-apula namawolintshi - lokho bekuyi- ubudlelwano obukhona-futhi-futhi futhi sikhuluma ngoxhumano lwangemva kwesehlukaniso nonkosikazi wangaphambili olungasoze lwaphela. Kodwa kulapho inkinga ilele khona.

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Inqobo nje uma usalokhu uxhumene nowayengunkosikazi wakho nemizwa ethile engaxazululiwe lapho nidlala, ukuqhubekela phambili ngeke kube inketho. Noma nini lapho uhlanganyela nowayengunkosikazi wakho, ungazivumeli ukuba uthonywe izinganekwane zothando zakudala noma uhambe ukhumbula impilo yakho yocansi, ikakhulukazi uma uhileleke nomunye umuntu. Ukubeka imingcele nomuntu othandana naye uma usebudlelwaneni obusha akuxoxiswana ngakho ukuze wakhe ubambiswano olunempilo, olunobudlelwano nezintshisekelo zakho zamanje zothando.

Abantu abanomona, abangazithembi, noma abancane kuphela abazama ukusebenzisa ucansi ukuze bayenge abantu ababethandana nabo. “Kuyinto encane kakhulu ukungamvumeli umlingani wakho ukuthi aqhubekele phambili ngenxa nje yokuthi ubambekile,” kusho uKavita, “qiniseka ukuthi awubabizi, uzizwe ukhululekile kubo, noma uhlangane ukuze uthole iziphuzo bese uvumela izinto zingahambi kahle.”

Okufanele ngikwenze: Uma ungaphezu kobuhlungu besahlukaniso futhi ufuna ukuba umngane no-ex wakho, nakanjani, yenza kanjalo. Ungabi njalo abangani abanezinzuzo.

2. Izingane zisetshenziswa empini

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uhlukanisile, uhlukene, noma uhlukene, zonke izinto eziguqukayo ziyashintsha lapho izingane zibandakanyeka. Yilapho imingcele nomuntu oshade naye iba ebaluleke kakhulu kunangaphambili. Oliver, umfundi wethu waseWashington ukuzala ndawonye ngemva kwesehlukaniso nomkakhe wangaphambili, uSusan, futhi uye wabhekana nezinkinga eziningana mayelana nesimiso sokugcinwa kwabantwana. Uthi, “Kuke kwaba nezinsuku lapho ngangilinde ngaphandle kwesikole sengane yami kwathi ngemva kwesigamu sehora ngathola ukuthi ifikile izomlanda ngaphandle kokungazisa nokungazisa.”

Indlela engcono kakhulu yokugcina ubudlelwano obuhle nowayekade ekhona lapho izingane zihilelekile iwukwenza isimiso sokugcinwa kwabantwana kanye nohlelo lokukhulisa izingane futhi unamathele kulo ngokuqinile. Izingxoxo nemihlangano yenu mayigxile ezinganeni kuphela. Futhi wenze umsebenzi wakho wokuba umzali omuhle ngaphandle kokujabulisa isifiso sokuncintisana ne-ex yakho. “Ukubambeka ngaphakathi izimpi zamandla ngisho noma senihlukene, lapho ingane isetshenziswa njenge-pawn kungenye yezimpawu zemingcele engalungile nomuntu owayengunkosikazi noma umyeni," kusho uKavita.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Shiya izingane ngaphandle kwempi yakho. Ungawadonseli ezingxabanweni zakho ze-ego ngoba awusoze wakwazi ukuya phambili. Misa imigomo yokuba umzali esivumelwaneni sakho sesehlukaniso.

3. Ukuba nomthelela ezimpilweni zezingane ngenkathi zikhulisa izingane

Ngezinye izikhathi, lapho umbhangqwana ushintshana ekukhuliseni, omunye wabo uvame ukusebenzisa ingane ukuze aphindiselele komunye, asakaza amanga namahemuhemu, futhi ajikise ingane kuwo. Umqondo ungase ube ukuletha isiphithiphithi esiningi nokungabi nalutho ukuze kungabi nalutho oluya phambili. Kungakho imingcele yokuba umzali oyedwa nomuntu owake waba ngunkosikazi mhlawumbe ibaluleke kakhulu.

Ngisho noma unkosikazi wakho wangaphambili engazami ngamabomu ukufaka ubuthi engqondweni yengane ohlelweni ukuphatha ukugcinwa ndawonye kwezingane, angase azame ukubathonya, ikakhulukazi uma enomunyu noma engemihle. Kungase kube nokuthambekela kokubusa ubuhlobo nokuphoqelela imibono yakhe ngemfundo yabo, umshado, nokunye. Futhi kunezimo eziningana zokuthi owayengunkosikazi wonakalise ubudlelwano bamanje ngokukhuluma udoti nengane mayelana nomlingani wayo omusha.

Ngokuqaphela noma ngokunganaki, ukukhulisa izingane kungaphenduka ukuncintisana phakathi kwabalingani abahlukene, okuholela ekucindezelekeni okukhulu ezinganeni. Ngokulandelayo, izingane ezivela emikhayeni enjalo engasebenzi zivame ukubonisa izimpawu zokucindezeleka, ukukhathazeka, nezinye izinkinga eziwumphumela. Ngakho-ke, awukwazi futhi akufanele ungene ezingeni lakhe lobubi. Uma nje ibhola lisegcekeni lakho, ungalidlala ngokulinganayo. Njengoba izingane zikhula, zizokwazi ukubona iqiniso futhi zibize i-spade.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Gcina imigudu yokuxhumana nomuntu oshade naye evulekile ukuze wazi ukuthi uzimisele ngani. Imingcele yokuxhumana nomuntu othandana naye ibalulekile ukuze ugweme noma imaphi amathonya enganeni yakho ongawazi.

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4. Ukungabavimbi ukuthi bakucuphe

Ezinye izehlukaniso zimbi kangangokuthi umuntu uvamise ukuthola iziyalezo zezinkantolo, ikakhulukazi emacaleni. ukuhlukunyezwa kwasekhaya. Kodwa ezimeni lapho amadigri okuhlukana ewuketshezi, owayeyinkosikazi exakayo angadala inkinga ngokuba khona ngokungaguquki ekuphileni komyeni wakhe wangaphambili, cishe noma ngenye indlela. Ukuhamba ngama-imeyili, ukuphenya izinto zasekhaya (lapho zingasahlali khona), nokuba nemibuzo mayelana nokunyakaza kwabalingani babo bangaphambili konke kuwumphumela wokugcina imingcele engemihle nenkosikazi yangaphambili.

Angakwenza ngenxa yokuthi imikhuba emidala ifa kanzima noma ifuna ukubusa phezu komlingani wakho wamanje okuholela ekucabangeni, “Ngizizwa ngiwesibili kunkosikazi wakhe wangaphambili”. Isimo singashintsha kakhulu uma usudlulile waphinde washada. Kulokhu, i-ex intrusive ingaba iphuzu elibuhlungu ebudlelwaneni bakho obusha. “Umyeni wami akanamingcele kunkosikazi wangaphambili” – lokhu akukona ukuqaphela okujabulisayo kunoma ubani futhi ngokuqinisekile ngeke kusize ngalutho umshado wakho.

Ngeke futhi kuphele uma nithintana ezinkundleni zokuxhumana. Ukuthumela imiyalezo njalo kungaholela ezingxoxweni ezinde kanye nesilingo sokuthi bhebha i ex ezinkundleni zokuxhumana ukubona ukuthi omunye wenzani ku-Instagram noma ku-FB ngeke akuvumele ukuthi ukhohlwe futhi uqhubekele phambili. Ngakho-ke, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzizwa ukhululekile kanjani nge-ex yakho, sekuyisikhathi sokumtshela ukuthi angahlali futhi enze imingcele yomfazi omusha kanye nenkosikazi yangaphambili.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Hlonipha imingcele yakho futhi ungavumeli owakwakho ukuthi angene ezindabeni zakho zamanje. Zama ukubavimba ezinkundleni zokuxhumana isikhashana okungenani.

5. Ukuzidonsela empilweni yakho ngebhizinisi noma izindaba zakho

Elinye lamaphutha amakhulu ongawenza ngemuva kwesehlukaniso ukudonsela owakwakho wangaphambili endaweni yakho yokusebenza. Kuyavunywa, ngezinye izikhathi akunakugwenywa, ikakhulukazi uma umbhangqwana usebenza ehhovisi elilodwa noma uqhuba ibhizinisi ndawonye.

Ungacabangi ukuthi ungagcina impilo yakho yobungcweti neyomuntu siqu ihlukene. Akukona okungenakwenzeka kodwa kunzima kakhulu. Kunzima ukukhohlwa okwedlule, ikakhulukazi uma kufanele nisebenzisane eduze ngenxa yomsebenzi. Futhi kungase kugcine kuxabanise izinto nakakhulu uma ungenayo imingcele yenkosikazi yangaphambili.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Gcina ibanga eliphephile uma kungenakwenzeka ukunqamula izibopho ngokuphelele. Ungalokothi wenze iphutha lokusayina amadili amasha nabo, ikakhulukazi uma ukuhluleka kwakho kube kubi, njengoba ubudlelwano ngeke buphinde bulungiswe.

6. Ukuxhumana no-ex wakho naphezu kokuba khona komlingani omusha

Abantu abaningi abakwazi ukumelana nombono wokuhlala bexhumana nabashade nabo bakudala ngisho noma bona noma labo ababebashiye benomuntu omusha ekuphileni kwabo. Lesi isibonelo sakudala sokuntula imingcele nomuntu owayeshade naye. Uma umshayela ucingo noma nini lapho udinga usizo nganoma yikuphi ukuphazamiseka okuncane noma ukwabelana nocezu lwezindaba ezijabulisayo, khona-ke unempendulo yokuthi kungani amakhosikazi angaphambili ezizwa enelungelo.

Leyo mpendulo impela isezenzweni zakho. Kuvunyiwe, kunzima ukucisha izibopho ngokuphelele uma wabelane ngomlando. Kodwa zikhona imingcele yokuba umngane nomuntu owayethandana naye kanjalo. Ukubathumelela imiyalezo, ukuphazamisa ubudlelwano babo obusha, kanye nokuchitha isikhathi nabangane babo konke kuholela ekuthandeni imizwa ongakwenza ngaphandle kwakho.

Uyazwana ne ex yakho futhi sijabule ngawe. Kodwa ingabe uyaqaphela ukuthi lobu budlelwano obunobungane ngokweqile bungafaka umlingani wakho wamanje esikhathini sokukhathazeka, njengoba bezabalaza nomcabango othi, “Ngizizwa ngingowesibili kunkosikazi wakhe wangaphambili”? U-Kavita uthi, “Ukuyeka kubalulekile, kufanele ufunde ukuthi ungaqhubeka kanjani.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Ngokuqinisekile ungaba umngane no-ex wakho kodwa lobo bungane akwenzeki ngokushesha ngemva kwesehlukaniso. Landela i- umthetho wokungathintani ngangokunokwenzeka futhi unikeze isikhathi sokuthi amanxeba aphole. Linda kuze kube yilapho usululeme futhi ngokweqiniso phezu kwabo ngaphambi kokwenza ubuhlobo obusha nabo.

7. Ukungenzi isikhala sobudlelwano obusha

Lokhu kuhlobene eduze nedlule. Ngeke ukwazi ukuqhubekela phambili wenze isikhala sobudlelwano obusha ngaphandle kokuthi uvale isahluko somshado wakho. Uma ulokhu ubuyela kubo ukuze uthole izeluleko nezingxoxo, phazamisa ezimpilweni zabo, futhi ubavumele babe kweyakho, akekho kini ongaqala kabusha. Kungesinye isigameko esisobala senkosikazi yakudala echitha ubudlelwano bamanje, noma kungenzeka ukuthi bube khona.

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Izinto zingajika zibe zimbi kakhulu uma wenza iphutha lokungabeki imingcele nomuntu owayengunkosikazi onobuthi. Ubungeke ngempela ufune i-ex enomona ukuthi isakaze amahlebezi noma ikhulume kabi ngawe noma isithandwa sakho samanje. Uma ingxenye yakho isaxhumene nobudlelwano bakho obudlule futhi unquma ukuqala isahluko esisha ngokushada kabusha, kungavula ithini lezikelemu njengoba umkakho omusha nowangaphambili bethola indawo ndawonye.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Imingcele enempilo ngowayeshade naye kusho ukuthi uhlonipha ngempela ukuthi umuntu owake washada naye akaseyona ingxenye yempilo yakho. Ningabavumeli ukuthi benze izithiyo ezimpilweni zenu ngoba akuphumelelanga phakathi kwenu nobabili.

8. Ukuphendukela kubo ngesikhathi sezinkinga noma ukufuna iseluleko

Imikhuba emidala ifa kanzima. Kodwa-ke, ukufuna ukwesekwa, ngokwezimali, ngokomzimba, noma ngokomzwelo kumuntu wangaphambili nakho kungaba nomthelela ekukhuliseni imingcele engalungile nowangaphambili. Kungenzeka ukuthi kwakungabantu abahamba phambili ngesikhathi nishadile, okunishukumisela ukuba nenze okufanayo ngisho nangemva kokuhlukana. Nokho, lokhu kuzokwenza izinto zibe nobuthi kakhulu kunangaphambili ngisho noma nizwana naye.

Futhi-ke, ukukhononda ngokuthi ungunkosikazi wangaphambili ongasoze ahamba ngeke kukusize ngalutho. Lesi ngesinye futhi isizathu sokuthi kungani kufanele ugweme ukusebenzisana noma ukudala izimo ezingase zikuphoqe ukuba uphendukele kubo ukuze uthole usizo. Okubaluleke kakhulu, ungalokothi uphendukele kubo ukuze uthole usizo lwemali, njengoba kungaba indawo yokuzalela ezinye izinkinga eziningana.

Okufanele ngikwenze: Ukuze ubeke imingcele enempilo yenkosikazi yangaphambili, thola isistimu yokwesekwa ngaphandle kowayenguzakwethu nomndeni wakho. Qinisekisa ukuthi awuzami ukuhlanganisa impilo yakho neyakhe, kubalulekile ukuhlukana unomphela. Uma uzithola usesimweni esingesihle, funa ukwelashwa, hhayi owakwakho.

Izinhlungu zokuhlukana zinzima kakhulu ukuqeda. Uma uke wabelana ngobudlelwano obujulile nomuntu, noma ngabe buphele kabi, kuba nesilingo sokuhlala kudala. Kodwa isidingo sehora ukwenza ikhefu elihlanzekile. Imingcele ibalulekile, hhayi nje ngokuhluzeka kwengqondo nokuthula kwengqondo kodwa nokwalowo owawushade naye.

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