Kungani Ngivalwe Kangaka Ngumyeni Wami — Izizathu Eziyi-10 Namathiphu Okufanele Ngiwagweme

Ukuze ngazi okwengeziwe ngale nkinga (evame kakhulu), ngiphendukele kulawo ma-meccas wezeluleko ze-inthanethi - i-Quora ne-Reddit - futhi umfana, ingabe ayilethile. Uma uke wacabanga ukuthi, "Kungani ngivalwe umyeni wami kangaka?", Bese ubambelela, sijula ​​ngokujulile ku-whys nokuthi yini okufanele siyenze maduze. Kodwa okokuqala, ake sikhiphe isivumo sokholo esishiwo ngu-a Umsebenzisi we-Reddit.

Uthi, “Mina nomyeni wami sijabulelana kakhulu ndawonye futhi siyahloniphana. Ngeshwa, njengoba iminyaka ihamba, ngiyavuma ukuthi angisamthandi umyeni wami. Izinto azenza ekamelweni azisangijabulisi; indlela abukeka ngayo ayingikhuthazi; angimthandisisi.”

Imizwa efanayo inenanela kuyo yonke i-inthanethi (futhi ngiyaqiniseka phakathi kwabangane bakho nontanga). Ezweni eliyinkimbinkimbi lobudlelwane, ukuphuma ekukhanukeleni (kanye nothando) kuyisigameko esibuhlungu nesicindezelayo. Ngakho, sabuza uDkt. Shefali Batra (MD in Psychiatry), udokotela wengqondo ozinze eCalifornia kanye nomelaphi wokuziphatha kwengqondo ogxile ekwelulekeni ngokwehlukana nesehlukaniso, ukuhlukana nokuqomisana, nezindaba zokufanelana ngaphambi komshado, mayelana nomsuka walesi simo futhi uma zikhona izindlela zokuvuselela lelolangabi elifayo.

Kungani Ngicishwa Kangaka Umyeni Wami?

“Kwenzakalani ngami kungani ngingasenayo imizwa ngomyeni wami? Uma kunguwe lona, ​​ake sithathe isikhashana sibuyele emuva. UDkt. Batra uphikisa ngokuthi “kunezizathu ezintathu eziyinhloko zokuthi ukukhangwa kunciphe:

• Ukuntula inhlonipho
• Ukuntuleka kwenzalo
• Nokungabi nesikhathi. ”

Ngaphambi kokuthi wenze noma yini enkulu, ake sibheke izizathu okungenzeka ukuthi uzizwe ucishiwe owakwakho, njengoba ziqoqwe ekuvumelaneni okuku-inthanethi kanye nesazi sethu sabahlali uDkt. Batra:

1. Umkhuba usuqalile

Akuwona nsuku zonke kungaba isimanga emnandi egcwele romance futhi ukukhangwa ngokocansi. Isikhathi siyahamba. Bobabili abalingani bayashintsha. Impilo yansuku zonke, izinhlu zezinto okumele uzenze, kanye nemikhuba kungaholela ekunqamukeni kwemizwelo.

Ukuntuleka kokuzenzakalela kungabulala ngisho nobuhlobo bobulili obushiseka kakhulu. Ngenxa yalokho, ukucasuka nokucasuka kungangena. Okubi nakakhulu, oyedwa (noma nobabili) uqala ukufuna leyo nhlansi entsha kwabanye.

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2. Ukuxhumana kuye kwaba kubi kakhulu

A cwaningo ekuxhumaneni nokwaneliseka kobudlelwane ngokuhamba kwesikhathi kubonisa ngokucacile ukuthi "ukukhulumisana okubi kakhulu kungabikezela ukuwohloka kokwaneliseka kobudlelwane esikhathini esizayo."

Lezo zinsuku zakuqala, ezishisayo zokuba sothandweni nokufuna ukuchitha yonke iminithi yokuvuka nixoxa ngezimpilo zomunye ngokwemvelo zizoncipha zibe into evamile kanye nesimiso. Lokhu akuyona into okumelwe sikhathazeke ngayo. Okukhathazayo yilapho wena nophathina wakho ningasakhulumi nganoma yini ebalulekile. Nalu uhlu lokuhlola lwakho:

• Ingabe uthola ukuntula ukusondelana ngokomzwelo?
• Nigcine nini ukuhlala phansi nobabili nikhulume ngobuqotho nangokuvuleleka komunye nomunye?
• Ingabe umethemba umlingani wakho ngokwanele ukuba uvulele isifuba kuye?

Uma impendulo yakho ithi “Sekuyisikhathi eside kunoma yikuphi kwalokhu,” akumangazi ukuthi imizwa yakho yokukhangwa iyancipha. Ubudlelwano obunempilo budinga ukuxhumana okuvulekile ukuze kuchume futhi kukhule.

3. Awuzizwa ukhangwa nguye ngoba izingxabano zilokhu ziyanda

Ucwaningo ibonisa ukuthi “izinga eliphakeme lokungqubuzana lanciphisa ukukhangwa kwabesifazane.” Cabanga ngesikhathi sokugcina wazizwa ukhululekile ngokomzwelo kowakwakho bese uzibuza ukuthi ngabe usabambe amagqubu nentukuthelo. Impendulo yakho ingase ibe isizathu sombuzo wakho, "Kungani ngicishwa kangaka umyeni wami?"

Lawa maphethini okuziphatha aphikelelayo azongeza ekwehliseni ukusondelana phakathi kwabashadikazi:

• Izingxabano ezingaxazululiwe ezihlanganisa ngokushesha
• Izingxabano ezisala zilenga
• Ukuziphatha okuhlukumezayo okunganakiwe
• Okulindelekile okungafinyelelwanga nokugxekwa okuqhubekayo okwengeza ekuzihlanganiseni ngokomzwelo kanye nokuntuleka kokukhangwa ngokomzimba okulandelayo.

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4. Akusekho ukuxhumana nomyeni? Bona ukuthi impilo yakho owabelana ngayo isiye yaba nengcindezi

Izinto ezihlukene zingaba nomthelela ekuhlukaneni ngokomzwelo nozakwenu njenge:

• Ukucindezelwa komsebenzi
• Izingcindezi zomuntu siqu
• Ukuziphatha umlutha
• Izinkinga zezezimali
• Impilo yengqondo ebuthaka

UDkt. Batra uyanezela, “Ukuntuleka kwesikhathi kungase kukukhathaze ngempela, ikakhulukazi lapho umyeni wakho ekwenqaba, kodwa lokhu kukodwa akusona isizathu. Njengoba kuhlanganiswe amaphuzu amabili okuqala ngenhla, ukuntuleka kwesikhathi esichithwa ndawonye kunciphisa i-hormone yokuhlangana, i-oxytocin, eyenza umbhangqwana uhlukane nakakhulu.”

Isifiso socansi kanye nokusondelana ngokomzimba kuseduze nokunyamalala ku-equation. Ukuze umshado uphile, kubalulekile ukuthola uhlelo lokusekela. Awekho amahloni ekufuneni usizo lochwepheshe ukuze uvuselele i- ukuxhumana ngokomzwelo kanye nesithakazelo sobulili emshadweni wakho.

5. Izinguquko ekubukekeni zingaba nomthelela omubi ekukhangekeni

Asikhulumi ngokumane sidle amakhilogremu ambalwa lapha nalaphaya noma ukuxega ngezikhathi ezimbalwa zokuzilungisa. Uma ukukhononda kwakho njalo kuzwakala kanje – “umyeni wami ‘useyekile’ noma yikuphi okubukeka sengathi ukunakekela ukubukeka kwakhe” – ubudlelwano benu bungathinteka.

Ukuzenyeza okubangelwa ukushintsha kokubukeka kungase kuthinte izenzo zomuntu, okuholela emjikelezweni omubi wokuzondwa nokunengeka.

6. Ukunganeliseki njalo umuzwa oyisisekelo emshadweni wakho

“Ukukhangana kuncipha kakhulu lapho umbhangqwana uyeka ukuhloniphana.” Lokhu kusho ukuthi bavame ukuzwa futhi baveze ukungezwani nokungathandi ngezindlela ezingenanhlonipho njengokuxabana, ukusola, ukukhulumisana okunolaka, ukusola, ukubhuqa, nokunye,” kuchaza uDkt.

Lapho uqala ukuhlangana nomyeni wakho, umhlaba wawuyi-oyster yakho. Ezinhlungwini zokukhangwa kwasekuqaleni, akekho kini ongenza okungalungile, ngabe ngiqinisile? Njengoba iminyaka idlula, ungase uzizwe ukhohlisiwe mayelana nalokho okuthenjisiwe nokuthi empeleni waphetha ngani. Lo muzwa wokudumazeka ungaba ukucisha okuphawulekayo kokubili ekamelweni nangaphandle kwalo.

Kungase kube isikhathi sokuphinda uhlole lokho okulindele, ukuxhumana nomngane wakho womshado, nokudala imingcele enempilo.

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7. “Ngizizwa nginqanyuliwe kumyeni wami” — Ukwengeza izingane ekuxubeni kungadala lolu shintsho

Buza noma yimuphi umzali, futhi bazovuma ukuthi ukuba nezingane bawukhiphe ngokoqobo umata ngaphansi kwezinyawo zabo. Akukho okukulungiselela izingane. Ukungalali ebusuku, ukukhathazeka kwezempilo, izindleko, ukugxambukela kwemindeni ... uhlu luyaqhubeka. Konke lokhu, nakho, kuthinta isikhathi esiseqophelweni eliphezulu enisichitha ninobabili kanye nendlela yenu yocansi.

UDkt. Batra uyanezela, “Ukuntula isithakazelo kuba lapho umbhangqwana usungene 'kwimodi yokuhlala yokuhlala' lapho kungekho sifiso sokuba nomunye. yenza omunye azizwe ekhethekile kanye nombuzo ongagwemeki - kungani ngicishwa umyeni wami kangaka - ukhula ngokuphindaphindiwe."

Ukudlula kulesi sigaba sokungavulelwa umyeni wakho kuthatha umzamo ohlangene nokuzinikela enhlalakahleni yomunye nomunye. Ukungabi bikho kwezibopho ezabiwe kanye nengxoxo evulekile kungaholela ekuzondeni ucansi.

8. Ukungathembeki nokungathembeki kungaholela ekwehlukaneni okungalungiseki nokungahlangani ngokomzwelo

Lapho ukungathembeki kuphazamisa ubuhlobo, kungase kubonakale kungenakwenzeka ukuqhubekela phambili futhi ukhohlwe ukuhlukumezeka okuhlobene nakho. Zibuze ukuthi:

• Awusakwazi ukuxhumana nomyeni wakho, futhi uma kunjalo kwephukile ukwethembana phakathi kwenu nobabili
• Ukuthembana kusengozini, futhi ukungabaza nezinsolo kungene phakathi kwenu nobabili
• Asisekho indawo ephephile ongaphendukela kuyo, futhi manje usubheka ngaphandle kobambiswano lwakho ukuze uthole isiqinisekiso nokuzinza okudingayo.

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9. Abantu bayashintsha

Kungokwemvelo ukuthi njengoba isikhathi sihamba, wena nomyeni wakho nizoshintsha. Lezi zinguquko zingabonakala ekubukekeni kwakho ngokomzimba, isifiso sakho socansi, izithakazelo owabelana ngazo, ngisho nangokukhula kwakho.

Uma izithakazelo zakho ziye zahluka kangangokuthi ngeke usakwazi ukukuthola into efanayo ebuhlotsheni, akuvamile ukuzizwa ucasukile futhi uthole izaba zokuzizwa ucishiwe isithandwa sakho.

10. Akukho mzamo owenziwe ekubambeni inhlansi

Yini eyafika kuqala? Imizwa yokwenyanya noma yokuntula inkanuko yobulili? Umbuzo waphakade, akunjalo? A cwaningo ithi “izenzakalo zobudlelwane zithinta ukukhangwa ngokomzimba kwabesifazane kakhulu kunakwabesilisa.

• Ukuqina kanye nekhwalithi yokuxhumana
• Ukuqabulana kaningi
• Isipiliyoni socansi esihle
• Ukuba khona kobusuku bosuku. ”

Konke lokhu kwanda a ukukhangwa ngokomzimba kowesifazane kumlingani wakhe. Ngakho-ke, ukuze ubudlelwano buphumelele, kubalulekile ukuthi:

• Uyakuvuma ukushoda kwesifiso socansi esijwayelekile nesinempilo
• Nikhulumisana ngokwethembeka ngezidingo zenu zokusondelana, amaphupho obulili, nokubukeka komzimba komunye nomunye (hhayi ukuthi “umubi” kodwa “ngikhumbula indlela obuzilungisa ngayo njalo”)
• Ubeka okulindelekile mayelana nokwethembeka nokwethenjwa
• Ukhuluma nosonhlalakahle wasemtholampilo onelayisensi noma ufune ukuqondiswa kochwepheshe ukuze ukusize ulawule lesi simo esibucayi

Ungazizwa Kanjani Ukhangwa Umyeni Wakho

"Ngicishwe ngokuphelele myeni wami."
"Umyeni wami uyanginyanyisa ngokocansi."
“Angisenayo imizwa ngomyeni wami.”

Lena imizwa esebenzayo engapheli. Kufanele uhlole futhi ubuze indima yakho kulesi simo ukulungisa isibopho somzwelo kanye buyisela inhlansi ebudlelwaneni bakho. Ukubheka izinto ngombono womlingani wakho nakho kuyadingeka ukuze uzicabangele wena. Ungase udinge usizo lochwepheshe oluvela kumelaphi womndeni uma izinto ziba nzima kakhulu ukuzisingatha ngokuzimela.

Nazi izinyathelo ezisebenzayo ongazithatha ukuze uzizwe ukhangwa umyeni wakho futhi:

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1. Thembeka kuye

Siyazi ukuthi lokhu kulula ukukusho kunokukwenza, kodwa uma ufuna ngempela ukuvuselela impilo yakho yobulili futhi ulungise ibanga elingokomzwelo phakathi komngane wakho womshado nawe, isinyathelo sokuqala siyohlale sivulekile futhi sikhuluma ngokwethembeka. Sekuyisikhathi sokubeka konke obala uma izinto zikuhlupha waze wanqanyulwa. Kungaba mayelana:

• Ukubukeka kwakhe ngokomzimba
• Ukuntula kwakhe umthwalo wemfanelo
• Impilo yakhe noma yengqondo yakho
• Eyakho imizwa yokunganakwa nokungathembani

Ukuxazulula izingxabano kungenzeka kuphela uma inkhulumomphendvulwano evuthiwe iqala phakathi kwenu nobabili.

2. Cela usizo lokuvala ibanga locansi nomngane wakho womshado

Sesikushilo ngaphambilini, futhi sizophinda sikusho. Mayelana ukuthuthukisa umshado wakho, awekho amahloni ekutholeni ukwesekwa kochwepheshe ukukusiza ukuthi uzulazule endaweni egcwele imizwelo etholakala ekuxazululeni izingxabano. Ukwelapha futhi kunikeza indawo ephephile yokuthi bobabili abalingani baveze izikhalo zabo ngokukhululekile. Umeluleki onelayisensi angaba umuntu wesithathu ongachemile odingeka kakhulu ezimeni ezinjalo.

3. Beka kuqala ukuzinakekela

Impilo yengqondo iqala ngawe. Uma uhlushwa ukukhathazeka noma ukucindezeleka, cishe akunakwenzeka ukuzizwa unethemba futhi unothando ngomlingani wakho. Zinike isikhathi ukuzinakekela futhi ubeke izidingo zakho kuqala. Nasi isizathu:

• Ukuphatha amazinga akho okucindezeleka kuzosiza ukudala indawo enhle kakhulu ekhaya
• Kuyokusiza ukuba ulungise okunye ukuntengantenga okungokomzwelo okukhungethe umshado wakho
• Uma kunezimo zezokwelapha ezithinta i-libido yakho, lezo zidinga ukubhekwana nazo futhi ngenxa yempilo yakho yonke.

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4. Awusavulelwa umyeni? Phinda uvakashele izikhathi ezinhle

Zikhumbuze ukuthi kungani wathandana kwasekuqaleni. Yenza noma yini ukubuyisa izinkumbulo ezinhle kunokugxila emandleni amanje angemahle. Zama lokhu:

• Hlela ubusuku bedethi obujwayelekile
• Yenza isikhathi ngaphandle kwezingane
• Hlela ikhefu elincane naye

Isikhathi sokuba yenza umzamo oqotho ukuze uzikhumbuze ukuthi wake waba nenkanuko engenathemba (nasothandweni) nomlingani wakho.

5. Phakamisa i-adrenaline yakho

Lokhu kungase kubonakale kudlulele, kodwa ukufuna uhambo oluthile kungasiza ubuhlobo bakho kuphela. Ku-classic cwaningo ngu-Arthur Aron, kutholwe ukuthi imibhangqwana eyenze imisebenzi emisha nevusa inkanuko ibike ukwaneliseka okuphezulu ebudlelwaneni bayo kunemibhangqwana ebambe iqhaza ekuzilibaziseni okungajwayelekile, okuphephile.

Lapho ubuhlobo bakho buhlala bukuphakela imizwa enamandla, eyakhayo, ukuthatha omunye umuntu kalula iba namandla. Ukufuna ukuzijabulisa kungenye yezindlela zokuhlala ukhangwa umlingani wakho, futhi ngokuvamile kuholela emthelela omubi nakwezinye izici zempilo yakho.

Noma ngabe umyeni wakho akasakuvuli noma usufinyelele ezingeni lapho konke akwenzayo kukwenyanya, udinga ukuqonda izizathu ezidala le mizwa. Lokhu kungaholela ohambweni lokuzitholela ngokwakho. Uma uphendula umbuzo othi "kungani ngicishwa yindoda yami?" imizwa ngokwethembeka nangokwakhayo, ungasebenzela ekuvuseleleni isifiso nokukhanga futhi.

Lesi akusona isikhathi sokulungiswa okusheshayo noma iziphetho eziqondile. Ubudlelwano besikhathi eside buyashintsha futhi buguquke ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, kodwa ngomzamo, ukubekezela, nokusekelwa okufanele, umshado wakho unethuba elikhulu lokusinda kunalokho ongakucabanga.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.