Pamene mukukangana ndi chibwenzi chomwe chikungoyamba kumene, simumayembekezera kuti chibwenzi chanu chidzakumana ndi vuto la kusakhulupirika. Koma zidachitika. Choipa kwambiri ndi inu amene munanyenga. Kulakwa kumakupangitsani kuti muyang'ane mayankho, kudziwa zoyenera kuchita mutabera munthu amene mumamukonda. Chisokonezo chokhudza kukhala bwino kwa wokondedwa wanu kapena ayi komanso momwe mungakonzere chibwenzi pambuyo pa chinyengo chimakhala m'maganizo mwanu nthawi zonse.
Kusakhulupirika muukwati kapena chibwenzi nthawi zonse kumakhala kosokoneza, konyansa. Si zapafupi kukhala ndi mfundo yakuti zochita zanu zasokoneza ubwenzi umene uli wofunika kwambiri kwa inu. Koma mukatha kuthana ndi vuto la mtima wanu, pali zambiri zomwe mungachite kuti mupulumutse ubale wanu. Zochita zanu pambuyo pa kusakhulupirika zimatha kupanga kapena kusokoneza ubale wanu. Ichi ndichifukwa chake kupanga mayendedwe abwino pano ndikofunikira kwambiri.
Mukakhala ndi mlandu wa kusakhulupirika muukwati kapena ubale wodzipereka, malingaliro anu akhoza kukhala mdani wanu woipitsitsa. "Ndinanyenga koma ndikufuna kupulumutsa ubale wanga" - ndicho chimene mukuganiza, sichoncho? Kuti tikuthandizeni kuthana ndi chimphepo champhamvu ichi, talemba malangizo othandiza angapo, othandizidwa ndi katswiri wa zamaganizo Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), yemwe ndi katswiri wa CBT, REBT, ndi uphungu wa maubwenzi a okwatirana.
Kodi Mungabere Munthu Amene Mumamukonda Ndi Kusunga Ubale?
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
Choyamba, kuti muchepetse nkhawa zanu pang'ono, muyenera kudziwa kuti kusakhulupirika sikutanthauza kuti ubale wanu udzakhala wovuta. Mukanyenga munthu amene mumamukonda, zotsatira zake zidzakhala zoopsa kwambiri. Koma si mapeto a dziko. Mu kafukufuku wa anthu 441 omwe adavomereza kuti adanyenga akazi awo, 15.6% adati adakwanitsa kuchita bwino kuposa pamenepo.
Ngakhale kuti nambalayi ingawoneke yowopsya poyang'ana koyamba, zingakhalenso chifukwa ochita chinyengo sankadziwa momwe angathanirane ndi vutoli moyenera kapena sanathe kudziwa momwe angakonzere chibwenzi pambuyo pa chinyengo. Kusokonezeka maganizo pambuyo ponyenga munthu amene mumamukonda kungakhudze zisankho zanu, zomwe zingabweretse zotsatira zovulaza.
Kodi mumamva bwanji kuchita zachinyengo ndi munthu amene mumamukonda? Ngati mumasamaladi ndi kuyamikira ubalewo, kudzimva wolakwa chifukwa chochita zachinyengo kungayambitse kudziona ngati wopanda pake komanso kulephera kupanga zisankho. Mungayambe kukhulupirira malingaliro monga 'kamodzi mwakhala wachinyengo, nthawi zonse mumanyenga', ndikusiya kusowa chiyembekezo chokhudza tsogolo la ubale wanu. Koma ngati mugwiritsa ntchito nthawi yambiri ndi khama pofufuza momwe mungakonzere ubale mutanyenga, mutha kusintha zinthu.
Tengani kamphindi kuti mupumule maganizo anu, ndipo ganizirani zinthu mwanzeru. Polankhula pankhaniyi, Nandita akuti, “Ngati munthu m’modzi wachita zachinyengo, sizikutanthauza kuti chibwenzicho chatha. Ubale wokhala ndi maziko olimba ungagwire ntchito ndikusintha m’njira zosiyanasiyana, ngakhale mutachita chigololo. Nthawi zonse pamakhala mwayi woti ubalewo ugwire ntchito, bola ngati pali maziko olimba.”
Mu zaka zoposa khumi zomwe wakhala akugwira ntchito yopereka uphungu pa nkhani ya ubale, Nandita wakumana ndi zochitika zambiri pomwe ubale wake unapulumuka kusakhulupirika. Pokumbukira chimodzi mwazochitika zotere, Nandita akutiuza kuti, "Panali mkazi amene ananyenga mwamuna wake ndipo anadzimva wolakwa kwambiri. Zifukwa zake zoyambirira zopangitsa ubalewo kugwira ntchito zinali chifukwa anali ndi mwana wamng'ono komanso ankaopa zomwe anthu anganene. Patapita nthawi, ndinazindikira kuti ubale wake unali wolimba kwambiri, anali ndi ubale wabwino kwambiri."
“Mkaziyo atangoulula kwa mwamuna wake, iye anali wodziŵika bwino kuti anali wokhumudwa ndi wopsinjika maganizo.
Ngati unansi wawo unatha kupulumuka kusakhulupirika, kodi inunso mungatero? Mwina. Ulendo umenewo umayamba ndikuganizira momwe mungagonjetsere chinyengo pa wina ndikukonza zowawa zomwe mwakhumudwitsa mnzanuyo. Kuti tikuthandizeni kudziwa mmene mungachitire zimenezi, tiyeni tione zimene mungachite mutabera munthu amene mumamukonda.
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Maganizo ndi mafunso monga “ Ndinanyenga chibwenzi changa , ndingachikonze bwanji? Kodi angandikhululukire?”, “N’chifukwa chiyani ndikupitiriza kuchita zachinyengo? Sindiyenera kukhululukidwa”, “Ndimakonda mkazi wanga ndipo ndamusiyabe. Kodi mwamuna anganyengedwe koma n’kukondabe mkazi wake?” zingawononge thanzi lanu la maganizo ndi la maganizo. Mungadzipeze kuti simukudziwa choti munene mukanyenga munthu amene mumamukonda kapena kuyamba kupanga zachinyengo chachikulu chotere.
Kuchita manyazi ndi kudziimba mlandu kumeneku kumakulitsidwa ndi mfundo yakuti anthu amafulumira kuganiza kuti sindinu odalirika ndipo simudzakhalanso - bwanji ndi malingaliro ngati 'wachinyengo, wonyenga nthawi zonse' amafalitsidwa ngati choonadi cha uthenga wabwino. Komabe, zinthu sizili zovuta monga momwe zingawonekere m'maganizo mwanu. Ngati simukuwona kupitirira mdima wandiweyani wodziimba mlandu, wopanda chiyembekezo, komanso wokhumudwa, tili pano kuti tikuthandizeni kudziwa zoyenera kuchita mukamabera munthu amene mumamukonda:
1. Dulani maubwenzi onse ndi munthu amene munanyenga naye
Zoyenera kuchita mutabera? Chabwino, ngati mukufunitsitsa kupulumutsa ubale wanu, dongosolo loyamba la bizinesi ndikuthetsa chibwenzi pambuyo pake. Zilibe kanthu ngati ndi mnzanu kapena bwenzi lanu lapamtima kwa zaka khumi, chepetsani kuyanjana nawo nthawi yomweyo. Kuyesa kulikonse koyesera kupitilira chochitikachi kudzalephereka ngati mukulumikizanabe ndi bwenzi lanu. Mukamanyenga munthu amene mumamukonda ndipo mukufuna kuti muyanjanenso, palibenso mwayi woganizira ngati munthu amene mwabera naye angakhale gawo la moyo wanu kapena ayi.
Ganizilani izi motere: Ngati ndi inuyo amene munakunyengedwa ndipo mnzanuyo n’kupitirizabe kukumana ndi munthu amene anakunyengani naye, zingamve bwanji? Lingaliro lomwelo ndi lokwiyitsa, sichoncho? Tsopano popeza mukudziwa momwe zimakhalira kubera munthu yemwe mumamukonda, musapangitse kuti zikhale zovuta kwa mnzanu (komanso nokha) popitiliza kulankhulana ndi bwenzi lanu.
2. Yesetsani kuthana ndi kupsinjika maganizo ndikudzikhululukira nokha
Mukachita zachinyengo ndi mnzanu, mumavutika ndi maganizo, malingaliro, ndi malingaliro ambiri osasangalatsa. Ndipo zingakuvuteni kuvomereza zomwe mumachita. Malingaliro monga akuti ' kale munachita zachinyengo, nthawi zonse munachita zachinyengo ' angakupangitseni kutaya chidaliro mu luso lanu lotha kupitirira zomwe zinachitika chifukwa cha kusakhulupirika muukwati kapena ubwenzi, ndikuganizira kwambiri za kumanganso ubale wanu ndi mnzanu.
Komabe, kuti mupulumutse ubale wanu, muyenera kudziwa momwe mungapitirire kubera munthu yemwe mumamukonda. Nandita ananena kuti chinthu chofunika kwambiri chimene mungachite mukamachita chinyengo ndi kudzikhululukira. “Yesetsani kusadzichitira nkhanza kwambiri, m’maganizo ndi mwakuthupi.” Inde, mungadzimve kukhala wolakwa ndipo mungafike pamlingo wakuti mufunikira kupuma chirichonse monga chotulukapo.
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3. Khalani ndi nthawi yodziwiratu
Ngakhale mukuyesera kudzikhululukira nokha, kuyang'ana mkati nthawi zonse ndi njira yabwino. Muyenera kukhala pansi nokha ndikupeza mayankho a mafunso ena omwe amaoneka ngati ovuta. Kodi mungakonde munthu wina koma n’kumachitabe chinyengo? N’chifukwa chiyani anthu amabera anthu omwe amawakonda ? Kodi n’zotheka kusiya kusakhulupirika muukwati kapena muubwenzi?
Nandita anati: “Kudzifufuza n’chimodzi mwa zinthu zofunika kwambiri zimene mungachite.” Mukakhala ndi maganizo odekha, muyenera kudziwa chifukwa chake munachitira zimene munachitazo. Kotero, m'malo mokonzekera maganizo monga, "Ndinanyenga bwenzi langa / chibwenzi / mnzanga, ndingakonze bwanji?", Yang'anani pakuchita ndi maganizo anu. Ndipo pamene mukuyang'ana, onetsetsani kuti musalole kuti maganizo anu oganiza bwino asokonezeke.
Osadziimba mlandu pazinthu zomwe simungathe kuzilamulira kapena kupanga zinthu zachilendo m'mutu mwanu. Cholinga chanu ndikumvetsetsa chifukwa chake zidachitika. Pajatu pali zifukwa zambirimbiri zimene anthu amaonera. Muyenera kudziwa chomwe chanu chinali. Pokhapokha mungayambe ndondomeko yokonza ubale wanu ndikuyenda kudutsa nkhonya ya kusakhulupirika.
4. Ganizirani ngati mukufuna kufotokozera wokondedwa wanu kapena ayi
Kodi munganyenge munthu amene mumamukonda koma osamuuza za zimenezo? Inde, kusauza mnzanu mutanyengedwa ndi chisankho choyenera. Ngakhale anthu ena amaganiza kuti kuulula kusakhulupirika kwa mnzanu ndi mlandu ndipo sizingatheke kupitirira izi popanda kutero, ena amakhulupirira kuti kudzera mu kuulula kumeneku, mumakhala mukuika mtolo wa zochita zanu pa mnzanuyo.
Nandita akuti zonse ndi zosankha zovomerezeka. Ngati mumabera munthu amene mumamukonda, mungafune kupeŵa kusweka mtima pazifukwa zilizonse kotero kuti kusamuuza za kusakhulupirika kungawoneke ngati chisankho chabwino. funsoli chifukwa zimatengera ubale wanu,” adatero.
Kodi mumamva bwanji mukabera munthu amene mumamukonda? Zimamveka ngati kupha Cupid mwangozi ndikuulula kumakhala ngati kuuza Aphrodite (amayi ake) pazomwe mwachita. Ndi chisankho chovuta kupanga, khalani ndi nthawi pa ichi. Chochita pambuyo chinyengo pa munthu kwambiri zimadalira mtundu wa ubale muli ndi mnzanuyo.
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5. Ngati mwatsimikiza zachinyengo, pemphani chikhululuko moona mtima
Mawu ofunikira ndi 'moona mtima'. Ngati mwasankha kuuza mnzanu za zolakwa zanu, vomerezani zonse ndipo pemphani mnzanu moona mtima. Osanena zoona pang'ono, osamenyana, osanyoza , osanyoza zomwe munachita. M'malo moyesa kupeza njira yotulukira mwa kulemba zifukwa zomwe anthu amachitira chinyengo ndikupangitsa kuti ziwoneke ngati chinyengocho sichingatheke, onetsetsani kuti mwatenga udindo pa zomwe munachita.
Khalani osatetezeka pamaso pa okondedwa wanu, pemphani chikhululukiro, ndiyeno mupatseni mnzanuyo mpata kuti achite zomwe akuyenera kuchita. Yembekezerani kuti mnzanuyo akwiyitsa ndipo musakwiye nawo ngati akulankhula zinthu zopanda pake. Kumbukirani, munanyenga, choncho ndi bwino ngati mnzanuyo akunena chinachake chimene sayenera kuyankhula pa kutentha kwa mphindi. Akumva kukwiya, kukhumudwa, ndi kuperekedwa. Adzakayikira kukhulupirika kwanu ndikuwongolera mafunso ngati,
- "N'chifukwa chiyani munthu angabere munthu amene amamukonda?"
- "N'chifukwa chiyani sindinakwane kwa mnzanga?"
- "Kodi sindili bwino?"
- “N’chifukwa chiyani anthu amabera anthu amene amawakonda?”
- "Kodi mwamuna angabere koma amakonda mkazi wake / bwenzi lake?"
- “Kodi mkazi angapeleke mwamuna/mnzake ngati amamukondadi?”
Muyenera kukhala okonzeka kukumana ndi nyimbo. Musamayembekezere kuti mavuto anu onse adzasungunuka mukatenga udindo ndikuwauza zomwe munachita. Khalani achifundo m'njira yanu, ndipo mvetsetsani komwe akuchokera.
6. Lamulo lakale: Limbikitsani kulankhulana
Ponena za banja lomwe Nandita adatiuza, akuti kuyesetsa kukhazikitsa kulankhulana momasuka, moona mtima ndizomwe zidasintha ubale wawo. Iye anati: “Chinthu chachikulu chimene anachita kuti asiye kusakhulupirika chinali kuwongolera mmene akumvera mumtima mwawo ndi kuuzana maganizo awo moona mtima.
Kukonza kulankhulana muubwenzi wanu mosakayikira kudzathandiza mbali zonse za ubale wanu. Kudziwa zomwe munganene mukachita zachinyengo ndi munthu amene mumamukonda kungathandize kwambiri chifukwa nthawi zambiri ndi mawu akuti "Sindikudziwa chifukwa chake ndinachita izi!" omwe amayambitsa mavuto ambiri ngakhale mutachita chigololo. Palibe vuto kuti munthu akayikire momwe mnzake amamvera pa iye. Pamapeto pake, pamene kudzipereka kwanu kukuwonekera, zinthu zidzayamba kuyenda bwino.
7. Limbitsaninso chikhulupiriro monga momwe moyo wanu umadalira
Anthu ambiri amakhulupirira lingaliro lakuti “Sungabere munthu ngati uli naye m’chikondi”, kapena funso lakuti, “N’chifukwa chiyani wina angabere munthu amene amamukonda?” Komabe, zifukwa zomwe anthu amabera nthawi zambiri sizikhala zakuda ndi zoyera. Mutha kukondana ndi munthu wina ndikungozembera ndikuchita zomwe simungaganize. Chofunika kwambiri ndi zomwe mumachita mutapusitsa munthu amene mumamukonda.
Pamenepo, kumanganso chidaliro muubwenzi wanu kuyenera kukhala chinthu chofunika kwambiri chifukwa mnzanuyo angakayikire chikondi chanu ndi kudzipereka kwanu. Ubale wopanda chidaliro utha, palibe njira ziwiri zochitira izi. Nandita akuti, "Kudalirana kumamangidwa pazifukwa zambiri, kotero pamene kudalirana kwasweka, kubwereranso - ngakhale sikungatheke - kumafuna khama lalikulu. Khalani oona mtima ndipo khalani okoma mtima kwa inu nokha ndi mnzanu; zimenezo zidzakuthandizani paulendo wanu."
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8. Nsembe, perekani malo;
Nandita anati: “Kodi mungatani ngati mwabera munthu amene mumam’konda? Mpaka pano, zonse zakhala zolankhula, palibe chochita.
Ino ndi nthawi yoti mulole wokondedwa wanu aone momwe mwadzipereka pakudzipereka kwa iwo ndikukhala nawo m'moyo wanu. Atha kukufunsani zambiri, ndipo popeza palibe kukukhulupirirani pakali pano, mwina simungakhale ndi ufulu wambiri poyambira. Lolani kuti igwedezeke, kwa kanthawi. Lolani wokondedwa wanu aone kuti mukusintha. Ndipotu, yankho la momwe mungapitirizire kunyenga munthu sikubwereranso ku machitidwe akale.
9. Perekani bwenzi lanu malo onse ofunikira
Kotero, kupepesa kwanu kwalandiridwa ndipo mwasankha kuyesetsa kukonza ubalewo. Koma mukanyenga munthu amene mumamukonda, angakhalebe ndi chakukhosi nanu, pazifukwa zomveka. Kupatula apo, sizingakhale zosavuta kwa mnzanu kusiya zithunzi za m'maganizo zomwe mukuona kuti muli pafupi ndi munthu wina. Nthawi ndi nthawi, angakutukwaneni kapena kukukankhirani kutali pamene mukuyesera kumukumbatira. Patsani mnzanuyo mpata muubwenziwo . Yesetsani kuti musamulepheretse kupempha chikhululukiro. Kusakhulupirika kotereku sikophweka kukhululukira, choncho mupatseni nthawi yonse yomwe akufuna.
10. Koma pitirizani kugwira ntchito mogwirizana
Inde, ndinu amene muli ndi udindo woika ubale wanu mu chisokonezochi, koma kuti mutuluke mu dzenje lozama ili inu ndi mnzanu muyenera kugwira ntchito limodzi. Pokumbukira chitsanzo cha banja lomwe linatha kugwirizananso pambuyo pa kusakhulupirika, Nandita akuti, "Mwamuna akanatha kuchoka ngati akufuna, ndipo anakhala kutali kwa kanthawi. Koma anabwerera kudzagwira ntchito limodzi. Chomwe chinapangitsa kuti ziyende bwino chinali kufunitsitsa kwake kukhululukira ndikuyesera kuti ubalewo ugwire ntchito . Inde, mkazi anachita zonse zomwe akanatha, koma popanda mwamuna kumukhululukira, zonse zikanakhala zopanda pake."
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11. Zoyenera kuchita mukabera munthu yemwe mumamukonda: perekani kukula, limodzi
"Kaya muli ndi mphamvu zotani, chinthu chimodzi ndi chotsimikizika - ubale wanu ndi mnzanu udzasintha. Nthawi zina ungasinthe kukhala woipa, pomwe nthawi zina, ungasinthe kukhala ubale wofunika kwambiri. Koma kusintha n'kosapeweka," akutero Nandita, polankhula za zotsatira za chinyengo muubwenzi.
Monga banja, nonse muyenera kudzipereka kupeza zatsopano ndikukula limodzi. Kudzera muzochita zabwino monga kukhulupirirana, kuwongolera kulankhulana, ndi kulemekezana, muyenera tsopano kudziwa momwe ubale wanu ungakhalire wolimba. Ngati mwatsimikiza za "Ndanyenga koma ndikufuna kupulumutsa ubale wanga", mnzanuyo, mwinamwake, adzabwera posachedwa.
12. Chithandizo cha munthu payekha komanso/kapena maanja chingakuthandizeni
Ngati kumapeto kwa tsiku, mukuvutika kuti mudziwe zoyenera kuchita mutabera munthu amene mumamukonda, chithandizo chingakuthandizeni kupirira. Kudziimba mlandu kwa woberayo kutha kukulemetsani, kupangitsa kuti zikhale zovuta kukwaniritsa ngakhale ntchito zing'onozing'ono zatsiku lonse.
Kulankhula ndi katswiri kudzakuthandizani kuthana ndi mavuto omwe mukukumana nawo. Ngati inu ndi mnzanu mwasankha kugwira ntchito limodzi kuti mukhale ndi ubale wolimba, uphungu waubwenzi udzakuthandizani kudziwa zomwe muyenera kuchita ndikupereka zida zothanirana ndi mavuto onse. Ngati mukufuna thandizo la akatswiri, maupangiri a Bonobology nthawi zonse amakhalapo kuti akuthandizeni.
Zolozera Mfungulo
- Kubera munthu amene umamukonda kungakuchititseni kuti muzidziimba mlandu, kuchita manyazi komanso kudziona kuti ndinu wosafunika
- Palibe yankho limodzi loti n’chifukwa chiyani anthu amabera anthu amene amawakonda. Zifukwa zimatha kuyambira pa zosowa zosakwaniritsidwa mpaka kudzikayikira, malingaliro osathetsedwa a bwenzi lake wakale, ngakhalenso vuto lapakati.
- Ngati mtima wanu uli pamalo oyenera ndipo mukuyesetsa moona mtima, n’zotheka kupulumutsa ubwenzi pambuyo pa kusakhulupirika.
- Izi ndi zomwe muyenera kuchita mukamabera munthu yemwe mumamukonda: sinthani malingaliro anu ndikudzikhululukira nokha, pemphani chikhululukiro kwa mnzanu, yesetsani kukhazikitsanso kukhulupirirana, kulumikizana bwino, kukhala wololera kudzipereka ndi kulolera, gwirani ntchito ngati gulu kuti muyambitsenso ubale wanu.
Ngati ululu wa kunyengedwa ndi kwambiri kuti mnzanuyo kupirira, inu mulibe chochitira koma kuvomereza yankho lawo ndi kupitiriza. Koma ngati akukhulupirira kuti kusakhulupirika sikukutanthawuza kuti ndinu munthu kapena mnzanu, pali chiyembekezo chakuyanjanitsidwa ndi tsogolo limodzi. Kodi mungakonde munthu ndikumaberabe? Inde, ndizotheka. Anthu ndi opanda ungwiro, ndipo chikondi n’chimodzimodzinso. “Zoyenera kuchita ukabera munthu amene umamukonda” mwina ndi funso lomwe mumaganiza kuti simudzasowa kuliyankha, koma ngati mutero ndipo ndichifukwa chake muli pano, tikukhulupirira kuti muli ndi lingaliro labwino lazomwe mungachite.
Ibibazo
Choyamba, funsani wokondedwa wanu za zonse zomwe zachitika ndikuyankha pazomwe mukuchita. Muyenera kuyesetsa mowona mtima kuwatsimikizira kuti mwakonzeka kusiya zakale ndikuyambanso. Yesetsani kuchita khama kuti muwakhululukire ndi kuwakonda ngakhale zingatenge nthawi yaitali. Osataya mtima ngati mumawakondadi.
Zidzakhala zovuta kuti mnzanuyo akhazikitse mtendere ndi zochitika zosasangalatsa, malingana ndi kuya kwa kusakhulupirika kwanu. Nthaŵi zambiri, okwatirana amapatukana pambuyo poti wina wasiya kukhulupirirana. Koma nthawi zonse pali kuthekera kuti anthu awiri atha kukhala amphamvu ngati mnzake wobera ayesetsa momwe angathere kuti akonzenso ubalewo, kuyambiranso kukhulupirirana, ndipo koposa zonse, ali ndi zomwe akuchita.
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Chopereka chanu sichikutanthauza chopereka chachifundo . Chidzalola Bonobology kupitiliza kukubweretserani chidziwitso chatsopano komanso chaposachedwa poyesetsa kuthandiza aliyense padziko lonse lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.
