Imibuzo Eyi-15 Yokubuza Ukuze Uphinde Wakhe Ukwethembana Ebudlelwaneni

Ngokungafani nokukhangwa, ukwethembana akuyona into engenzeka ngokuphazima kweso. Yakhiwa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Futhi uma iphukile, ayivuselelwa kalula. Uma kube khona ukwephulwa kokwethembana phakathi kwakho nophathina wakho, kunemibuzo ongababuza yona - imibuzo yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni.

Ngokocwaningo, “ukwephulwa kokwethembana phakathi kobudlelwano bothando, into eyake yakushiya uphatheke kabi futhi ucasukile, kungaba lula kakhulu ukuphinde ululame kukho ngenxa yokwethembana okwakukhona kwasekuqaleni.” UFinkel (uprofesa wezengqondo e-Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences) uxoxa ngokuthi lezi zici ezintathu zokwethembana - ukubikezela, ukwethembeka nokholo - yizo ezivumela umlingani wethu ukuba abe nesibindi esikhathini esizayo okwedlule.”

Imibuzo Eyi-15 Yokubuza Ukuze Uphinde Wakhe Ukwethembana Ebudlelwaneni

Lapho uNina ethola imibhalo yothando yomyeni wakhe uChris ayibhalela omunye wesifazane, akazange awakholwe amehlo akhe. Wabhekana noChris ngakho waxolisa kakhulu wathi kwakuyiphutha lesikhashana futhi wayezimisele ngakho. Nokuthi owesifazane wayengasho lutho kuye. UNina wayebona ukuthi umyeni wakhe wayexolisa ngobuqotho, kodwa kwenye indawo wayelahlekelwe ukholo lwakhe kuye. Wayeseqala ukuzibuza ukuthi abantu banjani emhlabeni akhe kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ngemva kokukopela.

UNina akuyena yedwa umuntu ohlangabezane nale nkinga. Izinkulungwane zabantu zizizwa ngendlela efanayo ngenkathi zicosha izingcezu zobudlelwano babo obuphukile. Futhi uma uzizwa ngendlela efanayo, nansi eminye imibuzo yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ongayibuza umlingani wakho.

1. Kwenzekeni phakathi kwethu ukuze sifinyelele kuleli zinga?

Isinyathelo sokuqala sokwakha kabusha ukwethembana emshadweni nanoma yibuphi ubuhlobo ukuphumela obala ngesigameko esidale ukuphulwa kokwethembana kwasekuqaleni. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwakuwukungathembeki ngokomzwelo noma ngokobulili, kubalulekile ukunikwa ithuba lokuphumela obala ngakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kungase kube buhlungu kangakanani komunye noma nobabili. 

Kodwa ukwethembeka akusho ukuthi ubuza ngayo yonke imininingwane yokungathembeki kwabo, kusukela ezikhundleni zocansi abazamukela kuye emicabangweni yomlingani wakho ngomunye umuntu. Lokhu ngeke kusisize isimo.

Esikhundleni salokho buza owakwakho ongathembekile imibuzo efana nokuthi, "Kungani uqhathe?" noma “Ingabe kukhona okunye ofuna ukukukhipha kulobu buhlobo (kokubili nawe kanye nalowo abamkhohlisayo)?” Lokhu kuzokusiza uqonde ukuthi ukungathembeki kwakubi kangakanani nokuthi nobabili nimi kuphi ebudlelwaneni. Ukubuza umlingani wakho ukuthi kwenzekeni kuzoba ngenye yezinto ezinzima kakhulu ozenzayo, okwesibili esinqumweni osithathayo sokuhlala ebudlelwaneni noma ukushiya. Kodwa ungomunye wemibuzo ebaluleke kakhulu okufanele uyibuze ukuze wakhe kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni.

Ukuze uthole amanye amavidiyo angochwepheshe sicela ubhalisele Isiteshi sethu se-YouTube. Chofoza lapha

2. Uzizwa kanjani?

Lokhu kuhamba ngezindlela zombili. Umlingani okhohlisayo kufanele ahlole umlingani wakhe njalo, ikakhulukazi uma bobabili bezama ukuphulukisa ubuhlobo. Futhi ngezinye izikhathi, umlingani oqhathwe naye kufanele abuze umlingani wakhe lo mbuzo. Ungase uzibuze, “Kungani imizwa yomkhohlisi ibaluleke kangaka kuyilapho kucace kangaka ukuthi unephutha? Nakuba kunzima ngomuntu ukukholelwa, ukungathembeki kungase kuhlukumeze umuntu ongathembekile, ikakhulukazi uma umlingani okhohlisayo azi ukuthi akwenzile kwakungalungile, futhi manje ulahlekelwa umuntu amthandayo. Lona umbuzo omuhle ukubuzana njalo lapho uzama ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ngemva kokukopela.

Kubalulekile ukwazi uzizwa kanjani umlingani okhohlisayo. Uma bekwenza uzizwe sengathi uyimbangela yokungathembeki, maningi amathuba okuthi abazisoli njengoba besho. Lo mbuzo ungakusiza futhi ukuthi unqume ukuthi ubudlelwano bufanele ukwakhiwa kabusha noma cha.

3. Ngingenzani ukuze ngikusize noma ngikwenze uzizwe ungcono?

Kuwumuntu ukwenza amaphutha. Nakuba amanye amaphutha engathethelelwa kalula, wonke umuntu ufanelwe ithuba lokwenza izinto zibe ngcono. UMabel, oneminyaka engu-33 ubudala, uhlanganyela nathi, “Ngakhohlwa ukuchelela isitshalo seJade sikaHenry futhi safa, angizange ngicabange ukuthi uHenry uzophatheka kabi kangaka, wachaza ukuthi lesi sitshalo sasiyisipho sokuthweswa iziqu esivela kugogo wakhe futhi sasisho lukhulu kuye.” Ebona iphutha lakhe, uMabel wabuza uHenry ukuthi angenza kanjani izinto zibe ngcono. Wacela uMabel ukuthi amphelezele aye kwagogo ngesikhathi esilandelayo futhi amsize ngokunakekela ingadi yakhe.

Uma uzama ukwakha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni, lona ngomunye wemibuzo ebalulekile yokuthembana okufanele umbuze yona. Nini uxolisa ngobuqotho kumuntu, kuzofakazela ukuthi uzimisele ukuthwala umthwalo wemfanelo futhi ufake umzamo odingekayo ukuze uzisondeze kumlingani wakho futhi. Kubonisa isifiso sakho sokulungisa.

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4. Uyangethemba ngezimfihlo zakho?

Lapho kukhulunywa ngemibuzo yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni, lena mhlawumbe ngomunye wemibuzo ejulile mayelana nokuthembana okufanele izithandani zibuzane. Umuzwa wokuziqhenya ufika lapho umlingani wakho ekubiza ngomgcini-mfihlo wakhe.

Kodwa-ke, uma ungakhululekile ukwabelana ngezimfihlo nomunye nomunye, khona-ke kuyindaba ekhathazayo. Ukwabelana ngemidiya yakho yezokuxhumana kanye namaphasiwedi efoni akubona ubufakazi bokwethenjwa (wonke umuntu ufanelwe ubumfihlo). Ungase ube nawo wonke amagama ayimfihlo omlingani wakho, kodwa uma bengabaza mayelana nokuba sengozini kuwe, ngakho-ke nobabili nidinga ukuqhubeka nokusebenza ukuze buyisela ukwethemba ebudlelwaneni.    

5. Ingabe kukhona ongakwazi ukukhuluma nami ngakho?

Ukuphulwa kokwethembeka kwenzeka uma kunamanga. Futhi kunezizathu eziningi zokuqamba amanga. Ungase uqambe amanga kumlingani wakho lapho wenza into ngokuvamile ethathwa njengengalungile. Kwezinye izimo, umuntu uqamba amanga lapho enomuzwa wokuthi iqiniso lizolimaza umlingani wakhe. Ngenkathi kwezinye izimo banomuzwa wokuthi ukuvuma kwabo ngeke kwamukelwe kahle.

Kungakho, mayelana nokuthembana, lona ngomunye wemibuzo ebaluleke kakhulu yokwethembana okumele uyibuze yena kanye naye ukuthi baqonde izinga lokungafihli ubudlelwano bakho obukuphethe, ukuthi umlingani wakho ukuvulela ngokunethezeka kangakanani, kanye nokuthi kukhona yini ukwahlulela kunoma yiluphi uhlangothi oluvimba umlingani oyedwa ukuthi athembeke.

6. Yiziphi izimfanelo ezintathu ozincoma kakhulu ngami?

Kaningi ebudlelwaneni obuningi, njengoba umuzwa wokujwayela ukhula phakathi kwabalingani, bavame qalani ukuthathana kancane. Baqala ukungabi naluzwelo kakhulu esimweni sabo sengqondo komunye nomunye futhi ukungazethembi kuyangena. Ezikhathini ezinjalo, ukubuza le mibuzo ukuze bakhe kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni kungokwemvelo ngokuphelele. Eqinisweni, kufanele bakhuthazwe. Ukukhuluma ngezimfanelo ozincomayo kumlingani wakho kuzokukhumbuza isizathu esakwenza wamthanda kwasekuqaleni.

Mhlawumbe unomuzwa wokuthi abakaze bazimisele, kodwa yikhono labo lokuma ezolile ezimeni ezinzima owathandana nazo. Mhlawumbe unomuzwa wokuthi bakhetha kakhulu, kodwa ukunaka kwabo imininingwane okukuhlabe umxhwele. Ukuzivocavoca okwenza wazise umlingani wakho kuyimisebenzi ebalulekile yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni.

7. Uyangemukela njengoba ngiyikho?

Iphutha elikhulu elenziwa izithandani ezimbalwa ebudlelwaneni babo ukuzama ukushintshana. Uma oshade naye ngokuvamile engumuntu onenhliziyo efudumele, onobungane, bazoba njalo nawo wonke umuntu. Ukulindela ukuthi ngokuzumayo baqhelelane ngenxa yakho akulungile kubo. Ngokufanayo, uma umlingani wakho ezifela ngomculo, khona-ke ukulindela ukuthi ayeke ukudlala isiginci sakhe ngoba nje ubheka njengokumosha indawo, akulungile kuye. Okubaluleke kakhulu, kubangela izindaba zokuthembela.

Uthando luwukwamukela umuntu ngendlela ayiyo. Akusho ukuthi uma umlingani wakho ebhema iketango, kufanele wamukele imikhuba yabo emibi. Kusho ukuthi udinga ukwamukela ingqikithi yomuntu nokuthi ungubani njengabantu. Abantu bafana namabhande okunwebeka. Ungazelula kuze kube manje ngaphambi kokuthi zinqamuke, noma okubi nakakhulu, ziphuke. Kwesinye isikhathi abantu balahlekelwa umkhondo waleli qiniso. Ukubuza imibuzo enjalo ukuze wakhe kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni bakho kungakusiza uphinde uthole ukuqonda.

8. Ingabe ukhululekile ukwamukela amaphutha akho?

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzama kanzima kangakanani ukulungisa isimo esithile, noma ukuthi uzama kangakanani ukucosha izingcezu eziphukile zokwethembana ebudlelwaneni, akukho okuzobaluleka uma ungakwazi ukwamukela lapho wenze iphutha.

“Ukhululekile ukwamukela amaphutha akho?” ungomunye wemibuzo ejulile mayelana nokuthembana okudingeka uzibuze yona kanye nawe uqobo. Kudinga ukugabadela nokuzazi ukwamukela okwakho ukushiyeka ungadlali ukususa ukusola ebudlelwaneni umdlalo. Kubonisa ukuthi uzimisele ukuzibophezela ngezenzo zakho futhi uzimisele ukusebenza ebuhlotsheni. Kubonakala kulula, nokho imisebenzi elula enjalo yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ihamba ibanga elide.

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9. Abazali bakho bakubonisa kanjani ukuzinikela komunye nomunye?

Abazali bethu bangothisha bethu bokuqala. Indlela esisingatha ngayo isimo esithile, impilo, abantu, nobudlelwano yizinto esizifundayo njengoba sibuka abazali bethu besingatha okufanayo. Ngakho-ke, akumangazi ukuthi amaphethini ethu okunamathiselwe nozakwethu ngezinye izikhathi abonisa ukuzibophezela kwabazali bethu komunye nomunye.

Omunye wemibuzo ebalulekile yokwethenjwa okufanele ayibuze indlela abazali babo ababevame ukubonisa ngayo ukuzinikela (noma ukuntuleka kwakho) komunye nomunye. Futhi uma usuhlaziya lokho, uzoqonda ukuthi kungani umlingani wakho eziphatha ngendlela ethile ebuhlotsheni bakhe nawe.

10. Ingabe imibono yethu yokwethemba nokuzibophezela iyahambisana?

Futhi ingabe umehluko wamukelekile kithi? Lena imibuzo okufanele uyibuze ukuze wakhe kabusha ukwethembana nozakwenu uma ukwethenjwa kwephukile. Babuze incazelo yabo yokwethembeka nokuzinikela. Okubheka njengokuphulwa kokwethenjwa kungase kungafani nozakwenu. 

UBran wayenomkhuba wokuhlola abanye besifazane, uHaley ayengakhululekile ngakho. UBran wayegcina ngokuthi wayebheka nje futhi inqobo nje uma engazange athole umzimba kwakungekona ukukopela. U-Haley waqaphela ukuthi umqondo kaBran wokwethemba nokuzibophezela wawuhluke kakhulu kuye. Engakwazi ukuyekethisa, wanquma ukuhlukana noBran. Eminyakeni emibili kamuva, wahlangana noRoger owabelana ngemibono efanayo neyakhe ngokwethembeka. Futhi manje bashadile futhi bajabule.

11. Luthini ulimi lwakho lothando?

Bangu Izinhlobo ezi-5 zezilimi zothando futhi ulimi lwethu lokuqala lothando lungase lwehluke kolwabalingani bethu. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukukhombisa uthando kumlingani wethu ngolimi lwabo lothando. Ukungenzi kanjalo kungase kuholele ekungazethembini ebudlelwaneni.

Cabanga ngalokhu, ulimi lothando lomlingani wakho luchitha isikhathi esihle futhi ulimi lwakho lothando luwukuthinta ngokomzimba. Ulokhu uthintana nabo ukuze ubonise uthando kuyilapho abafuna ukukwenza ukubuka ifilimu nawe. Banesibopho sokuthola umbono ongalungile futhi bacabange ukuthi ukuwo ngenxa nje yocansi. Lapho imibuzo yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ithinteka, ngokuqinisekile udinga ukuyibuza lena, ukuze nobabili nikwazi ukubhekelela izidingo zomunye nomunye ngangokunokwenzeka.

12. Yini okufanele siyenze ukuze sigweme ukwephulwa kokwethembeka esikhathini esizayo?

Uma ushaya a isiqephu esingesihle ebudlelwaneni ngenxa yokungabi nalukholo komuntu, kunzima ngempela ukulungisa izinkinga zokwethenjwa ezivela kukho. Ezimweni ezinjalo, kungcono ukubuza umlingani othintekayo ngokuqondile ukuthi ufuna ukuhlenga kanjani isibopho. Ukubuza imibuzo enjalo kuyasiza ekwakheni kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ngemva kokukopela.

Ayibekile ifoni ibheke phansi. Ukuqinisekisa ukuthi utshela uzakwenu ukuthi uyaphi nokuthi uhlangana nobani, okungenani kuze kube yilapho ukuthembana sekuphinde kwamiswa kabusha. Ukunciphisa zonke izinto ocabanga ukuthi kuzokufaka esilingweni noma kubeke engozini ubuhlobo bakho. Enjalo imisebenzi yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni uzokwaziswa ngempela umlingani wakho.

13. Ungakwazi yini ukuzethemba?

Kunezinhlobo ezimbili zokwethemba, eyodwa oyizwelayo ngomunye umuntu kanye nozizwela wena ngokwakho - okwaziwa nangokuthi ukuzethemba. Lolu hlobo lokwethemba lubaluleke kakhulu. Futhi ukuzethemba kuhambisana nokuzazi.

UStella, umdidiyeli oneminyaka engu-28, uyahlanganyela, “Kube nemibuzo ejulile mayelana nokwethenjwa okwadingeka ngizibuze yona ngemva kokwephula ukwethenjwa komngane wami womshado: Ngingazethemba?

 14. Kungani ufuna ukuvuselela ukwethembana kwethu?

Ngokuvamile, umuntu uyaqhubeka nokuhlala ebuhlotsheni lapho umlingani wakhe ekhaphele khona ukumethemba, hhayi ngenxa yothando kodwa ngenxa yezinye izici ezinjengezingane, ingcindezi yomphakathi, noma ngisho nokwesaba okusobala nokulula kwesimo esingajwayelekile ngemva kokuhlukana.

Eminye yemibuzo okufanele uyibuze ngaphambi kokuvuselela ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ukuthi: Yini isizathu sokuthi uqhubeke nokuhlala nesithandwa sakho? Uma impendulo ingelutho ngaphandle kothando nothando nokufuna ngempela nikeza ubudlelwano ithuba lesibili, khona-ke isibopho asifanele ukugcinwa. Uma uzidela ukuze uzuzise abanye, kusho ukuthi kuyifulegi elibomvu lobudlelwano bakho.

15. Ungakucabangela yini ukwelulekwa kwabashadile?

Kuningi ukucwaswa okuhambisana nokufuna usizo mayelana nobudlelwano. Nokho, ngezinye izikhathi kuyinkambo efanele, ikakhulukazi lapho nobabili nizama ukwenza ubudlelwano busebenze kodwa ningakwazi ukuphuma obishini olubi.

Inqubo yokwakha kabusha ukwethembana ingaba buhlungu kakhulu kubo bobabili, umuntu owakhashelwa kanye nomuntu oyeke ubudlelwano. Ezimweni ezinjalo, kungcono ukuthatha usizo lochwepheshe oqeqeshiwe. Ongakusiza ukuthi ucubungule futhi uzulazule kule mizwa engcolile. Uma uhlangabezana nezinkinga zokwethenjwa, awuwedwa. Abantu abafuna usizo ngezindaba zokwethenjwa bavame ukukwazi ukuphinde bathole ukwethemba abanye ngokwelulekwa. Lokhu kungase kuthuthukise ubudlelwano babo kanye nomuzwa wenhlalakahle jikelele. Iseluleko se-Bonobologyke zisize abantu abaningi ukuba baphile impilo engcono ngokwelulekwa nge-inthanethi futhi nawe ungakusebenzisa. 

Ubudlelwano obuzibophezele budinga umzamo omkhulu. Ukusebenza ebuhlotsheni kuwumthwalo wabo bonke abathintekayo kubo. Nakuba usakha kabusha ukwethembana emshadweni noma kunoma ibuphi ubuhlobo, uma uqala ukuba nomuzwa wokuthi nguwe wedwa owenza wonke umzamo, khona-ke kungcono ukukuyeka. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kunzima kangakanani ekuqaleni.

A ubuhlobo ngaphandle kokwethembana ayinakho ukwethembeka. Uma ufisa ngempela ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni ngemva kokukopela, kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi uqale ngokuthatha indawo futhi usebenzele ukuthethelela. Noma ungakwazi ukukhohlwa, thethelela. Ukuzama ukulungisa ubudlelwano ube ubambe igqubu ngeke kube nomphumela omuhle. Kuyoba isisekelo esintengantengayo okungakhiwa kuso ubudlelwano.  

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.