Ungabushiya Kanjani Ubudlelwano Obunobuthi

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Ungashiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Ingikhumbuza i-rap ka-Eminem evela ku-Rihanna I-love the was You Lie, “Ngeke ngikwazi ukukutshela ukuthi kuyini ngempela.Ngingakutshela nje ukuthi kunjani.Namanje kunommese wensimbi epayipini lami.Angikwazi ukuphefumula,kodwa ngisalwa ngisakwazi ukulwa.Inqobo nje uma okungalungile kuzwakala kulungile,kufana nokuthi ngisendiza.

Uphakeme othandweni, udakwe inzondo yakhe. Kufana nokuthi ngihufa upende futhi ngiyamthanda, lapho ngihlupheka kakhulu ngiphefumula futhi ngaphambi nje kokuthi ngiminze. Uyangivuselela, uyangizonda. Futhi ngiyayithanda.”

Ukushiya ubudlelwano obunobuthi obunjengalobu kungase kubonakale njengento engalungile, nakuba ngaphakathi ngaphakathi, uyazi ukuthi kufanele uhambe. Ngaphambi kokuthi wazi, uthandana 'nenzondo yothando' noma 'ubuhlungu bokujabulisa'. Kunobuhlungu obuningi, kangangokuthi amanani amancane enjabulo aqala ukukunikeza ukukhahlela futhi uziqinisekise ukuthi konke kuwufanele. Njengoba uRihanna ebeka, uqala ukuthanda indlela okubuhlungu ngayo. Uqala ukuthandana nobuthi.

Ngakho-ke, ukuqeda ubudlelwano obunobuthi kudinga amandla amaningi, ukuzithiba, kanye nohlelo oluqinile lokusekela. Ubudlelwano obunjalo buyakuvivinya, futhi kwesinye isikhathi kufanele uphambane nalokho okufunayo ukuze usindise impilo yakho yengqondo. Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi ngisho nalapho usothandweni nomlingani wakho?

Ngalokhu, sikhulume nomqeqeshi wokuphila kahle ngokomzwelo nokucabangela Pooja Priyamvada (ugunyazwe ku-Psychological and Mental Health Usizo Lokuqala oluvela e-Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health kanye ne-University of Sydney). Ugxile ekwelulekeni kwabashadile, ukuhlukana, ukuhlukana, usizi nokulahlekelwa, ukubala okumbalwa.

Nini Ukushiya Ubudlelwano Obuthi

Okuqukethwe

Ngokuvumelana ne Pooja, "Noma nini lapho uzizwa usongelwa noma unqanyuliwe, yisikhathi sokukhuluma nomlingani wakho ngakho. Uma bengakakulungeli ukulungisa izindlela zabo, yisikhathi sokuhamba. Ukuhlukumeza akuxoxiswana, hamba ngokushesha."

Uma ubhekene nokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo ezandleni zomlingani wakho, kuwuphawu olucacile lokuthi udinga usizo lokushiya ubudlelwano obunobuthi. Izifundo veza ukuthi uma kuziwa ekuhlukunyezweni ngokomzwelo, abesifazane abangamaphesenti angu-40 kanye nabesilisa abangu-32% babike ulaka oluzwakalayo (ukubizwa ngamagama), futhi u-41% wabesifazane kanye nama-43% amadoda abike ukulawula okuphoqayo (amaqhinga okuzihlukanisa noma izinsongo zokulimala).

Nini ukushiya ubudlelwano obunobuthi? Zibuze imibuzo enzima. Ingabe umlutha kakhulu kumlingani wakho kangangokuthi ukumyeka kucishe kuzwakale njengokuhoxiswa kwezidakamizwa? Ingabe ubudlelwano bukwehlukanise nezwe kanye nobuwena? Ingabe ulahlekelwa ukuzethemba kwakho kwansuku zonke futhi uzizwe sengathi awuhlonishwa umlingani wakho?

Yiziphi izimpawu okufanele uzishiye? UPooja uthi, “Ukungathembani, ukungahloniphi, ukukhanyisa igesi, ukwesaba, amahloni, icala - yonke le mizwa iyingxenye yemvelo yobudlelwane obungenampilo. Ubuhlobo obunempilo buyakuthuthukisa kuyilapho okungenampilo kuncipha futhi kukusula.”

Kufanele ucabange nini ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi? Uma umlingani wakho elokhu ekutshela ukuthi bazoshintsha kodwa ubona bungekho ubufakazi balokho. Uma uqaphela ukuthi umlingani wakho akazibophezeli ngisho kukho noma akagqugquzelekile ukuziphendukela kwemvelo, kungenye yezimpawu ezidinga usizo lokushiya ubudlelwano obunobuthi.

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Njengoba amazwi engoma kaMiley Cyrus ehamba, "Ngangena njengebhola elibhidlizayo. Angikaze ngishaye kakhulu othandweni. Engangikufuna nje kwakuwukuphula izindonga zakho. Owake wakwenza kwaba ukungiphihliza."

Ubudlelwano obunobuthi bungazwa sengathi uyanqamuka ngaphakathi. Ukushiya ubudlelwano obunobuthi akulula njengoba kubonakala. Ake simbe umhlahlandlela wesinyathelo nesinyathelo sendlela yokushiya ubudlelwano obunobuthi.

1. Gxila emaqinisweni

Ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi kuqala ngokugxila emaqinisweni. U-Pooja uyagcizelela, “Vuma ukuthi umlingani wakho unobuthi. Yenza uhlu lwazo zonke izinto azenza kuwe noma ongazenzi ezihlukumezayo noma ezilimazayo. Yenza isu elihlakaniphile lokuziqhelelanisa nazo.”

Ingabe umlingani wakho uthembele ezidakamizweni? Uyaqaphela kubonisa ukuthi umlingani wakho uqamba amanga mayelana nokukopela? Ingabe banolaka futhi bayazehlisa? Ingabe umlingani wakho uyindlela eyodwa emphakathini kodwa umuntu ohluke ngokuphelele ngaphandle kweminyango evaliwe?

Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Kumele uqale uzwe ukuthi ubudlelwano bakho bunobuthi. Ukuhlala uphika futhi ungaboni izinto njengoba zinjalo kuzovele kuphazamise ukukhula nokuphulukiswa kwakho. Ungamkhohlisi umlingani wakho futhi ukhumbule izimfanelo zakhe ezinhle kuphela. Cabanga ngendlela enengqondo ngobudlelwano bakho. Yiziphi iziphambeko ozenzayo? Yimiphi imisebenzi obuyithanda kodwa osuyekile ukuzenza ngenxa yokungenelela kwayo obungayifuni? Ingabe uqhelelene nabangane bakho ngenxa yomlingani wakho? Bhala phansi lezi zinto.

2. Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Qaphela umthelela empilweni yakho yengqondo

Thatha iphepha bese uqala ukubhala phansi imizwa yakho. Zigxilise esimweni sangempela sobudlelwano bakho nalokho ozama ukukubalekela. Kufanele ugxile eqinisweni lokuthi wena nomzimba wakho uzizwa kanjani eduze kwabo, nokuthi lobu budlelwano bukwenzani kuwe nempilo yakho yengqondo.

Ungashiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Ungabhala ukuthi, “Ngesikhathi engibiza ngonondindwa, ngezwa…” noma “Lapho engijikijela isitsha somlotha, ngezwa…” noma “Lapho ethethisa izingane, ngezwa…” noma “Lapho esedlala ngothando nabangane bami futhi, ngezwa…” noma “Ngesikhathi bengibiza ngamagama, ngezwa…” noma “Lapho ngithola ukuthi ubengikhohlisa, ngezwa…”

Lokhu kuzivocavoca kungakwenza ubone ukuthi uhlupheka ngenxa izinhlobo ezicashile zokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo. Ungahlali kulesi sihogo sengqondo. Yazi ngeqiniso ukuthi ufanelwe ukuzizwa ujabule, ufanelekile, uthandwa, futhi uhlonishwa.

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3. Yiba nengxoxo enzima

UPooja uveza ukuthi, “Yebo, kulungile ukuzwelana nesithandwa sakho njengoba kungenzeka ukuthi badlule ezintweni eziningi eseyingane.Kuhle futhi ukweseka umlingani wakho ezinkingeni zokuhlukumezeka kwakhe, kodwa uma kungenampilo noma kuwubuthi empilweni yakho yengqondo, udinga ukudweba umngcele.

“Abantu abanobuthi bangashintsha, uma befuna ukuzisebenzela bona.

Njengoba uPooja eseshilo, kufanele uqaphele ukuthi akuwona umsebenzi wakho 'ukulungisa' othile noma ukumlinda ukuze ashintshe noma athuthuke. Lawula eyakho impilo. Qala ukusebenzela imigomo ozibekele yona. Kuye kwathiwa, “Ukuzihlonipha kwakho kufanele kuqine kunemizwa yakho.”

Uma ubachazela ukuthi kungani ungasafuni ukuqhubeka nobudlelwano, khumbula ukuthi awudingi imvume yozakwenu othanda ukubhuquza ukuze uhambe. Futhi, khetha indawo ephephile esesidlangalaleni eningahlukana ngayo uma kwenzeka ukusabela kozakwenu kuba nodlame futhi kube nolaka. "Bheka ukuthi ungenze ngenzeni" ingenye yakudala izinto ozakwethu abanobuthi abavame ukuzisho.

Ngokusobala bazozama ukunciphisa ulwazi lwakho. Isibonelo, uma bekukopela, bangase bakusole futhi banciphise lonke ulwazi lwakho lokukhashelwa. Ungakunaki lokhu. Ungawavumeli akukholise. Zibuze ukuthi udlule kangaki kule loop. Ingabe kukhona okushintshile? Okubaluleke kakhulu, ingabe kuyafaneleka?

Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi bathini, hlala emzimbeni wakho, hlala engqondweni yakho, futhi uhlale esikhumbeni sakho. Unelungelo lokuzenzela isinqumo. Akekho ongumphathi wakho futhi awudingi ukufuna ukuqinisekiswa ngesinqumo sakho.

4. Namathela esinqumweni sakho sokungaxhumani nomthetho

Ukuqeda ubudlelwano obunobuthi akulula. Ingikhumbuza ifilimu ethi Blue Valentine nesigcawu sayo sokugcina esicindezelayo lapho u-Dean eqhela umkakhe, uCindy, kanye nendodakazi yakhe, uFrankie, unomphela.

Isiphetho sizwakala sibuhlungu ngoba bobabili bathandana eminyakeni edlule kodwa uma ubheka ukuthi ubudlelwano babo bebubhidlike kanjani, ukuyeka kwabonakala njengesiphetho esiphusile. Le filimu isikhombisa ukuthi ubudlelwano obunobuthi kufanele buphele kanjani. Overstaying kungokwakho amaphutha obudlelwano ajwayelekile kakhulu ongawagwema.

Kodwa kanjani ukunamathela esinqumweni sokuqeda isibopho? Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Vimba leyo nombolo. Susa lezo zithombe. Lawula isifiso sakho sokubuyela endaweni yabo. Yazi ukuthi kuba lula kuphela ngemva kwalokhu. Zindla futhi ubhale kujenali yakho ukuze wehlise ukukhathazeka kwakho nokucabanga ngokweqile.

Ngaso sonke isikhathi lapho uzizwa ufuna ukuthumela imiyalezo noma ukubashayela, cabanga nje ngalezo zikhathi owawuzizwa ungelutho kangangokuthi wawungakwazi nokuvuka embhedeni. Cabanga nje ukuthi kungakanani ukuzinza okufunayo nokukufanele. Ukuzivulela kuzovimba injabulo yakho kuphela. Uyafuna ukuqhubeka uphatheke kabi?

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5. Funa ukusekelwa

Umngane wami, uPaul, ungumuntu onengqondo. Uhlakaniphe ngokwanele ukwazi ukuthi ubudlelwano bakhe bulimaza impilo yakhe yengqondo. Uzazi ngokwedlulele futhi ufuna ukuhamba. Kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo, uPaul useqalile ukuthanda ubuthi kanye ne-rollercoaster yobuhlungu. UPawulu kufanele enzeni esimweni esinjalo?

UPooja uyaphendula, “Lena indawo engenampilo nengaphephile okufanele ube kuyo. Ngokuvamile, lapho umuntu eqala ukucabanga ukuthi ufanelwe ukuphathwa kabi noma eqala ukujabulela ubuthi, kungase kuhlobene nokuhlukumezeka kwasebuntwaneni noma ukuzethemba okungekuhle. Udinga ukungenela kochwepheshe.”

Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Phela, ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi kungakunika ukuhoxa, njengoba ubuhlobo bakho bungase bube bubi kakhulu futhi bungaphephile. Akulula ukugqashula kulo mkhuba noma ukuhlangana kwe-trauma uwedwa.

Umelaphi angakusiza ukuthi uqonde eyakho isitayela sokunamathisela esingavikelekile. Bangakusiza ukuthi uqonde kangcono ukuhlukumezeka kwakho kwasebuntwaneni. Bangaphinde bakunike izindlela zokunqamula amaphethini akho ngokukwenza wazi ukuthi yini eyenziwayo kuwena uma unabantu abathile kanye nobudlelwano obuthile.

Ngaphandle kokwesekwa kochwepheshe, udinga nabantu abanokwethenjelwa abangakulalela ukhuluma kanje. Udinga abangani abangakusiza ukuthi ubhekane nalezi zinhlungu ngendlela enempilo futhi abangakwazi ukukulwela ngokungakhethi. Udinga abantu nemisebenzi ekwenza uzizwe kahle ngawe.

6. Ungabushiya kanjani ubuhlobo obunobuthi? Hlala nemizwa yakho

Lesi sinyathelo sidinga ukuthi uzihlole. Uke wazama ukuhlukana izikhathi eziyisigidi kodwa uzithole usubuyela kumlingani wakho isikhathi ngasinye? Ingabe ulahlekelwa yikho konke ukuzithiba kwakho? Kungani lokhu kwenzeka?

U-Pooja uyaphendula, “Lena ye izimpawu ezingenakuphikwa zobudlelwano obuncikene. Ngoba asikho esinye isikhala esiphephile ongaya kuso noma ngenxa yokuthi ukuzethemba kwakho kuphansi kakhulu, uyakudinga ukuze kuqinisekiswe futhi ulokhu ubuyela emuva. Sebenzela ukuzethemba kwakho futhi ufune usizo mayelana nendlela yakho yokuziphatha.”

Lobu budlelwano obunobuthi buzama ukukufundisa izifundo ezijulile nezibalulekile ngawe. Ubudlelwano bakho nawe budinga ukwelashwa. Esikhundleni sokungena emgodini omnyama wokusola nokucasuka, zibandakanye ekuzihlaziyeni. Zaziyini izinkinga futhi ungazigwema kanjani esikhathini esizayo? Ingabe nawe ubunobuthi nganoma iyiphi indlela? Yiziphi izinyathelo okudingeka uzithathe ukuze usebenze kulokho?

Futhi, ukuze uphulukise kuyo yonke le mizwelo engaphezu kwamandla, hlanganyela ekuzinakekeleni. Yidla kahle. Zivocavoce nsuku zonke. Thatha uhambo uwedwa. Thola ukulala ngokwanele. Zindla. Lezi zinguquko ezincane zingenza umehluko omkhulu empilweni yakho yengqondo.

7. Yazini ukuthi akukona ukuphela komhlaba

Ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi kungase kukwenze uzizwe unemizwa eminingi. Ngiyazi kubuhlungu kakhulu njengamanje futhi ungase uzizwe sengathi awusoze wakwazi ukuba nokuxhumana okunjalo nanoma ubani futhi. Ungase ulahlekelwe ukholo othandweni futhi ukhule ujule ukwesaba ubudlelwano.

Kulokhu, uPooja uyagcizelela, “Ungase uzizwe ngale ndlela ngesinye isikhathi kodwa akulona iqiniso.Njengoba besho, ungalokothi uthi ungalokothi.

Ngisho nezinyanga noma iminyaka ngemva kokuhlukana, ungase ube nezifiso zokubuyelana nomlingani wakho. Kungokwemvelo ukuzizwa kanjalo. Kodwa khumbula, wenze lesi sinqumo ngemva kokucabanga okuningi. Ubunezizathu ezizwakalayo zakho, esibaluleke kakhulu ukuthi ubudlelwano bakho bukwenze wangabaza futhi wakhaphela ubuwena.

Bekungesona isinqumo esingalindelekile, yingakho wenze isinqumo esifanele. Namathela kukho. Noma nini lapho uhoxa, funa ukusekelwa kumngane, ilungu lomndeni noma uchwepheshe. Futhi, funda zonke izizathu ozibhale kujenali yakho ngokuthi kungani ushiye ubudlelwano.

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Ukusuka Ebudlelwaneni Obunobuthi

Ukusuka ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi lapho usathandana nomlingani wakho kungase kugcine kudala isikhala esikhulu ngaphakathi kuwe. Gcwalisa lesi sikhala ngokwakha indlela enempilo yokubhekana nesimo. Yenza kangcono emsebenzini. Hlangana nabangane bakho njalo. Yakha izinto ezintsha zokuzilibazisa noma vele ubuyele kwakudala. Zibekezelele njengoba udabula izigaba zosizi ngemva kokuhlukana.

Ukusuka ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi kudinga ukuthi uthuthukise ukuzethemba nokuzithanda. Uma usuqalile ukuzihlonipha, ukwesaba kwakho ukulahlekelwa umlingani wakho wamanje kuzoqala ukuhwamuka. Ungangeni ekuzigxekeni ngokuzibuza imibuzo enjengokuthi – “Ingabe angithandeki ngokwanele?”, “Anginalo uthando noma angithandeki ngokwanele?” noma “Ingabe angilungile ngokwanele?”

Ubudlelwano obunobuthi bungakhubaza ukuzethemba kwakho, ngakho-ke sicela ungaweli kulolo gibe. Kunalokho, yiba nomusa kuwe. Ungabushiya kanjani ubudlelwano obunobuthi futhi uqhubeke, ngomqondo wawo weqiniso? Yenza uhlu lwazo zonke izimfanelo zakho ezinhle. Gqamisa konke osekuzuzile bese uqala ukubala izibusiso zakho. Lokhu kuzothuthukisa ukuzethemba kwakho futhi kukusize uqhubekele phambili.

Ukuzindla nokuzivocavoca kungakusiza kakhulu uma kuziwa ukudedela umuntu omthanda ngokujulile nokusuka ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi. Bazokusiza ukuthi ulinganise ingqondo, umzimba, nomphefumulo wakho. Ukuzivocavoca kuyindlela enhle yokuhambisa bonke ubuhlungu bakho. Ukuzindla kungakusiza uhlale uzolile lapho ucabanga ngokweqile.

Indlela yokushiya ubuhlobo obunobuthi futhi uqhubeke? Ungalindi futhi uhlupheke. Unelungelo lokuhlola ezinye izinketho, noma nini lapho uzizwa ulungile. Yazini ukuthi akuwona ukuphela komhlaba. Ngokuqinisekile uzothola omunye umuntu okusebenzelayo. Nizohlangana ezahlukene izinhlobo zama-soulmates ngamaphuzu ahlukene empilweni yakho. Ungalilahli ithemba. Futhi, thola injabulo ngokuba wedwa. Bazi kahle ukuzithanda futhi ufune imithombo ngaphandle kobudlelwano ukuze uthole injabulo yakho kuyo.

Sengiphetha, amazwi acashuniwe adumile athi, "Njengoba ululama, izinto zakho ezikhangayo nazo ziyashintsha. Ubuthi buyayeka ukubukeka njengenjabulo futhi ukuthula kuyeka ukuzizwa njengesithukuthezi." Ngakho-ke, gxila ekuphulukiseni kwakho nasekuziphendukeleni kwemvelo. Yenza umsebenzi wangaphakathi. Thatha isikhathi sakho. Noma nini lapho uzizwa ubambekile, ungakuxwayi ukufinyelela. Eyethu abeluleki abavela kuphaneli yeBonobology bamane ngokuchofoza nje.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

1. Uphuma kanjani ebudlelwaneni obunoshevu ube usabathanda?

Phuma ekuphikeni futhi ubone izinto njengoba zinjalo - bhala phansi amaqiniso mayelana nokuthi lobu budlelwano bushintshe kanjani ubuhlobo bakho nawe. Thatha usizo lomelaphi nabanye abangani abangakubonisa iqiniso futhi bakunike ukwesekwa. Hamba kahle bese unamathela esinqumweni sakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzekani.

2. Ingabe umuntu onobuthi angashintsha?

Mhlawumbe, ngosizo lokwelapha kanye neminyaka yokusebenza ngokwabo. Kodwa akudingekile ukuba ulinde futhi uhlupheke. Awusona isikole sezinguquko kubo. Zibheke wena kuqala.

3. Uzihlukanisa kanjani ngokomzwelo nomuntu onobuthi?

Naka kakhulu indlela ozizwa ngayo uma unabo. Khumbula, ungabonisa uzwelo kodwa AKUWONA umsebenzi wakho ukuzilungisa. Sebenzela ukuzethemba kwakho nokuzethemba kwakho ukuze ufunde ukwenqaba futhi ubeke imingcele.

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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.