Ku-thriller ka-2014 Girl Gone, umshado obonakala uphelele uyabhidlika ngemva kokuba unkosikazi elahlekile futhi umyeni uba umsolwa oyinhloko ekudukeni kwakhe. Njengoba izinto ziguquka, ababukeli bathola umbono osohlangothini wokuthi ukukhohlisa ebudlelwaneni okusebenza kanjani - isici esibucayi esingenza noma siphule ubudlelwano bothando.
Ukuziphatha okukhohlisayo kuza ngezindlela eziningi - okunye kucashile ungamangala uma othile ekubiza. Eqinisweni, enye yezimpawu zama-master manipulators ukuthi awukaze ubabone beza. Ngakho-ke, singawabona kanjani amaqhinga okukhohlisa ebuhlotsheni? Ukuze sithole izimpendulo, sixhumane nodokotela wezengqondo Kavita Panyam (OMasters in Psychology kanye nabasebenzisana namazwe ngamazwe ne-American Psychological Association), osekuyiminyaka engaphezu kwamashumi amabili esiza imibhangqwana ukuthi ixazulule izinkinga zayo zobudlelwane.
Kuyini Ukuziphatha Okukhohlisayo Ebudlelwaneni?
Okuqukethwe
Ngokuvumelana ne abacwaningi, sonke sizama ukuthonya imiphumela noma ukuziphatha, ngokuqaphela noma ngokungazi, ekuphileni kwethu kwansuku zonke. Nokho, ukukhohlisa okulimazayo yakhelwe ukudala ngamabomu ukungalingani kwamandla ukuze umlingani oyedwa wothando akwazi ukulawula futhi athole abakufunayo ngaso sonke isikhathi nangazo zonke izindleko.
“Ukuthukuthela, ukwenza izinto ngamawala, kanye nokushiswa kwegesi ngezinye zezindlela zokukhohlisa ebudlelwaneni,” kusho uKavita. Ezinye izinhlobo zamaqhinga okukhohlisa ajwayelekile ebuhlotsheni zihlanganisa:
- Uthando ngamabhomu
- Ukungathembeki ngokomzwelo
- Imidlalo yengqondo
- Ukuphazamiseka kwengqondo
- Ukuziphatha kwe-Passive-aggressive
- Izinsongo ezifihlekile noma ezisobala (njengalapho uzakwethu esongela ngokuzilimaza noma ukulimaza wena noma abantu abaseduze kwakho)
- Ukuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi
- Ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba
Abazenzisi abakhathali ekuphishekeleni kwabo ukulawula futhi bazosebenzisa wena ngokumelene nawe uma kusho ukuthi bangakwazi ukukucupha njengonodoli futhi bakwenze udansele ingoma yabo. Uma, noma kunjalo, ukwazi ukubhekana nabo ngakho, bazophendula amatafula kuwe ngobunono. "Bahlasela ukungazethembi kanye nokuzethemba kwesisulu. Lokhu kwenzeka kangangokuthi isisulu siqala ukukholelwa ukuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle kubo," kusho uKavita.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Imidlalo Yengqondo Ebudlelwaneni - Ukuthi Ibukeka Kanjani Futhi Kungani Abantu Bekwenza
Kungani abantu bekhohlisa?
Ziningi izinto ezidala ukuthi kungani abantu bekhohlisa abalingani babo. Mhlawumbe bafuna ukuvikela i-ego yabo futhi bagweme ukuzibophezela ngezenzo zabo. Mhlawumbe badonsa kanzima ekukhulumeni abakufunayo ngokuqondile nangokwethembeka. Bangase babe ne isitayela sokunamathisela esingavikelekile noma uhlushwa izimo zempilo yengqondo njenge-narcissistic personality disorder. Noma bangase bavela emkhayeni ongasebenzi kahle lapho kwadingeka basebenzise khona noma bachayeke emaqhingeni obuqili.
11 Izimpawu Ezicashile Zokukhohlisa Ebudlelwaneni
Nakuba ukukhohlisa kungenzeka kunoma yikuphi ukuxhumana phakathi kwabantu, kubonakala kaningi ebudlelwaneni obuseduze kakhulu, njengobudlelwane bothando noma bomndeni. Ungacabanga ukuthi kungabonakala ngobuqili kangakanani ebudlelwaneni bothando, akunjalo? Umlingani wakho angase asebenzise amaqhinga okukhohlisa kangangokuthi ungase ungakuqapheli nokuqala. Futhi uma nje ugoba entandweni yabo, ubuhlobo buzobonakala buphelele.
Ngakho-ke, ungasho kanjani ukuthi ubudlelwano bakho buza nezintambo zokulawula ezinamathiselwe? Nazi izimpawu eziyi-11 zokukhohlisa ezijwayelekile kodwa ezicashile:
1. Uhlale uzizwa unengcindezi yokwenza lokho abakufisayo
UKavita uthi: “Abakhohlisayo banendlela yokuphila nobudlelwano ‘ngendlela yami noma enguthelawayeka.’ Ngokwezimali, ngokomzwelo, noma ngokomoya, bayakwazi ukwenza izinto. Ngamanye amazwi, bayiziqhwaga eziyosebenzisa zonke izindlela ezitholakalayo ukuze kuzuze umuntu siqu noma ukucindezela abanye ukuba benze abakuthandayo, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kungenangqondo kangakanani. Ngokusho komunye cwaningo, ngeke bangabaze ukusebenzisa icala uhambo ukuhlasela futhi uthole ukuthi ushintshe ngisho nokuncane kakhulu ukuziphatha noma imikhuba.
Ngokuvamile, abakhohlisi basebenzisa izitatimende ezilayishwe umbhalo ongezansi ukuze baphoqelele isandla sozakwethu. Esikhundleni sokumane bathi, “Ngifisa sengathi ubuzofona kaningi lapho usohambweni,” bangase banezele:
- Ubungenza lokhu ukube ubungikhathalela ngempela
- Kungani kufanele ngibuze? Awuboni ukuthi ngikhathazeke kangakanani ngawe?
- Awukwazi ukungenzela okungaka?
Uma uhlala unomuzwa wokuthi cha ezicelweni zomlingani wakho akuyona inketho, yazi ukuthi kuwuphawu olungenampilo.
2. Bathatha zonke izinqumo ebudlelwaneni
Abazenzisi bagxile ekutholeni izidingo zabo siqu futhi basebenzise wonke amaqhinga asencwadini ukwenza lokho kwenzeke. Enye indlela abakwenza ngayo lokhu iwukuba bakuthathele izinqumo zakho, kungaba ngezinqumo ezincane noma ezinkulu, futhi banqamule izinhlelo zakho zokweseka, kungaba ngokomzwelo noma ngokwezezimali. Eqinisweni, lokhu kungenye yezindlela ezivamile zokuziphatha okukhohlisayo ebuhlotsheni.
Kusukela kulokho okudlayo ngebhulakufesi kuya kulokho oku-odelayo ukuze uthathe, lapho uya khona eholidini nokuthi uchitha nobani isikhathi - uma izinqumo zakho zilawulwa yilokho okufunwa umlingani wakho, kungase kube ifulegi elibomvu elingaba khona. Ukulawula ozakwethu nabo abekho ngaphezu kokukhohlisa kwezezimali ebuhlotsheni, njengalokhu:
- Ukuphatha zonke izinqumo zezimali nezinsiza
- Ukukhawulela noma ukuqapha ukufinyelela kwakho kwezezimali
- Ukunquma ukuthi uyisebenzisa kanjani imali yakho
Uma uzwa ukuthi okunye kwalokhu kuyenzeka, sekuyisikhathi sokucabanga kahle. Ubudlelwano obunempilo bubandakanya bobabili abalingani benza izinqumo ndawonye, hhayi zomunye nomunye.
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izimpawu Eziyi-11 Umyeni Wakho Ekusebenzisa Ngokwezimali
3. Bazitika ngokuziphatha okubi okujikelezayo
NgokukaKavita, kuvame ukuba nephethini ecacile ekuziphatheni okuningi okubonisa abantu abakhohlisayo. Eqinisweni, bavame ukusebenzisa amaqhinga afanayo ngokuphindaphindiwe ukuze bathukuthelise omunye umuntu futhi bathonye indlela abacabanga ngayo, abazizwa ngayo, noma abaziphatha ngayo.
Ngokwesibonelo, lapho nilwa, bangase bakunqamule ngokomzwelo futhi baqhelelane ngokomzimba. Noma bangase babhoke ngolaka noma bakukoloce uze uvume. Ngale ndlela, ngobuqili badlulisela umthwalo wecala kuwe. Uma usuxolisile, izinto zingase zibuyele esimeni - kuphela ukuze umjikelezo uphindaphinde ngokushesha nje lapho ingxabano elandelayo noma ukungezwani kuvela.
Ekugcineni, ungase uqale hamba ngamagobolondo amaqanda eduze kwabo, noma ungaqala ukugqashula ezihlokweni ezithile uma unabo. Ukuze ugweme ukungqubuzana, ungase uzame futhi uqagele ukusabela kwabo ngokuhlale uzibuza:
- Bazocabangani noma ngenzeni uma mina...?
- Ngabe bazolunga ngalokhu?
4. Bagodla ucansi noma uthando
Esinye sezibonelo ezivame kakhulu zamasu okukhohlisa ebudlelwaneni ukugodla ucansi noma uthando njengesijeziso noma inkohliso. Imibhangqwana ivame ukulwa futhi ilungise kamuva embhedeni. Kodwa-ke, abakhohlisi baphika ucansi ngamabomu noma bachithe ukukhombisa uthando - futhi abayekethisi kuze kube yilapho uvumela izimfuno zabo. Ngisho nalapho benza, bakwenza kubonakale kuwumusa. Leli iqhinga lokungenzi lutho elisetshenziswa ukuphoqa umphumela futhi ligcine lizala ukucasuka ebudlelwaneni.
5. Bakusola ngezinto ezibhedayo
Izikhohlisi azivamile ukwamukela isibopho sanoma yikuphi izinkinga zobudlelwano ungase ube nakho. Kunalokho, bayokusola ngakho konke okungalungile ebudlelwaneni nasekuphileni kwabo.
- Zingase zikukhanyisele, okungukuthi, zibukele phansi futhi zenze okukukhathazayo kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho kwakho kube kungasebenzi (“Uzicabangela izinto” noma “Angikaze ngisho lokho” noma “Ufunda kakhulu ezintweni”) uze uqale ukungabaza iqiniso lakho noma impilo yakho yengqondo.
- Bangase bahilele abanye abantu ohlelweni lwabo lokuhlwanyela ukungabaza nokudideka engqondweni yakho
Ngokuphathelene nabo, noma yini engahambi kahle iyohlala iyiphutha lakho. Ngeke kowtow kunoma iyiphi logic noma isizathu, futhi bathi ukungazi ngisho noma kukhona ubufakazi obukhomba ngenye indlela.
Ukufunda okuhlobene: 25 Igaslighting Imisho Ebudlelwaneni obubulala Uthando
6. Badla imizwa yakho
Ubudlelwane nomuntu okhohlisayo ngokuvamile buhilela izinga elithile lokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo. Esinye sezibonelo zakudala zalokhu ukwelapha buthule, okubandakanya lokhu okulandelayo:
- Umlingani wakho ubeka 'ubuso betshe' ngemva kokulwa noma ukungaboni ngaso linye
- Baphendula ngama-monosyllables emizamweni yakho yengxoxo
- Bathi “ngiyaphila” nakuba ukuziphatha kwabo kuphakamisa okuhlukile
"Ukuthukuthela, ukuthula, ukukhuluma ngamatshe - zonke lezi izindlela zokukukhohlisa ngokomzwelo," kusho uKavita. Abakhohlisayo banekhono lokusebenzisa izitatimende ezimangalisayo ukuze badlale ngemizwa yakho:
- Esikhundleni se: Ungangilanda ngemva komsebenzi?
- Bangase bathi: Ngilande emva komsebenzi. Futhi ungasho ukuthi awukwazi uma ungikhathalela ngempela
- Futhi uma ugcina ukugijima sekwephuzile: Ngangazi ukuthi lokhu kuzokwenzeka. Ngingowokugcina ohlwini lwakho noma kunjalo
Ukukhohlisa umuntu ngokomzwelo kubi njengoba nje nokubahlukumeza ngokomzimba. Uma kuqhubeka isikhathi eside ngokwanele, kungaqeda ukuzethemba kwakho noma kubangele ukuba uzitholele isithombe esibi - izinto okungekho muntu okufanele azizwe ebudlelwaneni bakho.
7. Bagunda amaphiko akho engutsheni yokukhathazeka
Ngokuvamile, abantu bakhohlisa abanye ngenxa yokuthi bona ngokwabo abazethembi. Lapho kuvela isidingo sabo esikhulu sokulawula yonke into nawo wonke umuntu obazungezile. Bathambekele ekubhekeni noma yikuphi ukukhula noma ukugwazwa ukuzimela noma ukuzimela ohlangothini lwakho njengosongo kulokhu kulawula.
“Abafuni ukukubona uthuthuka ekuphileni,” kusho uKavita. Yize beqikelela ukuthi bangakuvumeli ukubone lokho. Noma ngabe ukuthola umsebenzi, ukubuyela emsebenzini, ukwenza umsebenzi wokuzilibazisa, noma ukuzama into entsha, abakhohlisi bazokudikibalisa noma bakwenze ungabaze izinqumo zakho ngokukhipha 'iseluleko' noma ukudweba izimo ezimbi kakhulu. Konke egameni 'lokukhathaza' ngawe.
8. 'Zinhle' uma zine-ajenda
Abazenzisi abahambi bekhipha ububi ngekepisi elibomvu nezimpondo ezicijile. Zivame ukubukeka samuntu futhi zingase zibonakale njengeziqotho ngokweqile. Ungase uthi zibonakala zizinhle kakhulu ukuba zibe yiqiniso. Okokuqala, yabo thanda amabhomu kungase kukwenze uzizwe sengathi awusho umhlaba kubo. Kodwa lokho - cishe njalo - akulona iqiniso.
Njengoba uNietzsche esho: “Azikho izindawo ezinhle ezingenakho ukujula okwesabekayo.” Ukuziphatha komuntu okhohlisayo cishe akufani namazwi akhe. Futhi kuhlale kune-ajenda efihliwe ngemuva kwanoma yini abayenzayo. Iningi lezindlela zabo zokuziphatha 'ezinhle' zenzelwe ukuthi:
- Kwenze kube nzima kuwe ukwenqaba izicelo zabo
- Gcoba imingcele yakho
Eqinisweni, bathembele ekunciphiseni ikhono lakho lokubeka imingcele ecacile ukuze bakwazi ukulawula izinqumo zakho nempilo yakho. Ingabe unomuzwa wokuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle? Noma umcabango ophikelelayo njalo ugcina wenza izinto ongazifuni ngempela? Ingabe ubulokhu uzizwa udidekile noma unecala eduze kwabo futhi awuqondi ukuthi kungani? Khona-ke sekuyisikhathi sokuthembela amathumbu akho futhi uhlole ubuhlobo bakho.
Ukufunda okuhlobene: 10 Okufanele Ulandele Imingcele Yobudlelwane Obunempilo
9. Badlala ikhadi lothando ukuze baphume ekuziphenduleleni
Ingabe ama-manipulators anemizwa ngawe? Akunjalo Empeleni. Kodwa bayohlala bekutshela futhi bakukhumbuze ukuthi bayakwenza. Ikakhulukazi uma befuna ukuhoxisa ingxoxo, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ibaluleke kangakanani kuwe. Ungamangali uma ukufuna kwakho incazelo yokuthile abakwenzile ngempela kuphendulwa ngokuthi:
- Ungaba nesihluku esingaka mina ngikuthanda kangaka?
- Lokhu kukhombisa ukuthi awuyazisi imizwa yami
- Ukube ubungithanda ngempela njengoba ngikuthanda, ngabe uyaqonda...
Uma le migqa iphonswa kuwe kaningi, yazi ukuthi ukhohliswa ngokomzwelo ukuze uyikhiphe. Phela, abakhohlisayo bangochwepheshe bokuxhashazwa ngokomzwelo abangeke balahlekelwe yithuba lokubeka umthwalo kuwe wokufakazela uthando lwakho kubo kaninginingi.
10. Bahlala bezolile ukuze bakubeke phansi
Uma sikhuluma ngakho izimpawu zesoka elikhohlisayo noma intombi, idrama engapheli, ulimi olusolayo, kanye nokusabela okuphezulu yikhona okuvame ukufika engqondweni. Nokho, i-boo yakho ekhohlisayo ingase ibe umuntu ohlale ezolile, opholile, futhi oqoqwe ngaphandle.
Lezi zingase zibe izimfanelo ozozincoma - zize zisebenzise ukukhululeka kwazo ngokumelene nawe ukuze zikwenze ubukeke umangalisa ngokweqile esimweni, mhlawumbe, esidinga ukusabela kwakho ngentukuthelo. Kunalokho, uzogcina ubukeka uyisiphukuphuku, ungavuthiwe, uzwela kakhulu, futhi ugcwele imizwa. Futhi umuntu okukhohlisayo uzovela njengeqembu elivuthiwe elikwaziyo ukuziphatha njengomuntu omdala.
11. Bakwenza uzizwe umncane
Ukuhlale uqhathanisa noma ukugxeka, okukwenza uzizwe ungafaneleki noma ungento yalutho phambi kwabanye noma emehlweni akho, kuwuhlobo oluthile lolaka. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukuqhathanisa kuchazwa 'njengamahlaya,' ukuhlekwa, noma enye into, inhloso iwukuba:
- Kwenze uzizwe kabi ngawe noma untula ngandlela thile
- Yenza ucabange ukuthi umlingani wakho muhle kakhulu kuwe
- Qiniseka ukuthi awukaze ukhule ube mkhulu kunabo
Kungase futhi kube iqhinga lokuzala ukungazethembi, ukufaka ingcindezi engokwengqondo, noma ube namahloni ekwenzeni lokho abakufunayo. Uma lokhu kuba itimu, yazi ukuthi ama-manipulators azohlala ene-hoops engapheli ukuze weqe. Futhi bayobagcina beza kungakhathaliseki ukuthi wenzani.
Ukufunda okuhlobene: Ubhekana Kanjani Nomaqondana Okwenza Uzizwe Ungalondekile
Ungaphendula Kanjani Ekuziphatheni Okukhohlisayo
Ukukhohlisa kwengqondo, imizwa, noma izimali ebudlelwaneni kubeka inani elikhulu kubantu okuqondiswe kubo. Kungalimaza impilo yakho yengqondo, kuqede ukuzethemba kwakho, kucekele phansi inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo, futhi kukwenze uzizwe uphansi ukuzethemba, noma ucindezeleke. Ngakho-ke kungcono kakhulu ukuzivikela.
Uma uhlangabezana nokukhohlisa, nansi eminye imibono yokuthi ungaphendula kanjani:
- Vuma ukukhohlisa ukuthi kuyini: Zama ukungakunciphisi noma ukukuxubha. Ukwenza izaba zokuziphatha okubi, njengokucabanga ukuthi aziqondile ukulimaza noma ukudlula esigabeni esinzima, kuzozivumela ukuthi ziqhubeke futhi zibayeke bahlukane
- Misa imingcele: Futhi baqinise. Nquma ukuthi yikuphi ukuziphatha oyokubekezelela futhi ongeke ukubekezelele. Yazisa umlingani wakho lapho imikhawulo yakho ikuphi. Futhi ubeke imiphumela uma beqhubeka nokuwephula
- Lawula ingxoxo: Abakhohlisayo bangochwepheshe ekuduneni izingxoxo ngokusebenzisa imizwa yakho ngokumelene nawe futhi bakuphazamisa edabeni langempela. Zilungiselele ukubona ukuxhashazwa ngokomzwelo futhi ungabavumeli babaleke nakho
- Yiba nozwelo nawe: Ungalifaki icala necala ngaphakathi. Khumbula, nguwe kuphela onganquma ukuthi uzizwa kanjani ngawe
- Thola usizo: Uma uzizwa udangele noma ubambekile futhi ungakutholi, iphaneli ye-Bonobology yabelaphi abanelayisensi nabanekhono kuphela chofoza kude
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Ukukhohlisa kuklanyelwe ukudala ukungalingani kwamandla ebudlelwaneni ukuze umlingani oyedwa akwazi ukuthola lokho akufunayo njalo
- Abazenzisi basebenzisa amaqhinga amaningana ukuze baqhubekisele phambili i-ajenda yabo, njengokuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni, ukugxekana ngokomzwelo, ulaka olungahleliwe, ukuqunjelwa icala, kanye nokukhanyisa igesi, ukuze banukubeze.
- Umlingani okhohlisayo uzothatha zonke izinqumo ebudlelwaneni, kodwa akusole ngakho konke okungahambi kahle, futhi adlale ikhadi lothando ukuze agweme ukuziphendulela
- Bazodlala ngemizwa yakho, bagodle ucansi noma uthando, noma bakwenze uzizwe umncane ukuze bakucindezele ekwenzeni abakufunayo.
- Njengoba bebukeka bebukeka, abahle neze ngaphandle kwe-ajenda. Futhi umgomo wabo oyinhloko ukuthatha i-ejensi yakho futhi banqamule izinhlelo zakho zokusekela ukuze bakwazi ukukugcina ngaphansi kwesithupha sabo
- Ukuze uphendule ukukhohlisa, uzodinga ukukuvuma, ubeke imingcele ecacile, futhi ulawule ingxoxo. Noma yini oyenzayo, ungakufaki ngaphakathi lokho okushiwo umkhohlisi, futhi uthole usizo uma uludinga
Ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi noma obungenampilo akuwona neze umqondo omuhle. Futhi ukukhohlisa kuwubuthi futhi akunampilo. Ngezinye izikhathi, kungase kube isandulela sezinhlobo zokuhlukumeza ezimbi kakhulu. Uma ucabanga ukuthi kweqiwa imingcele, awuhlonishwa futhi awuhlonishwa ebudlelwaneni, futhi kukuphatha kabi, yazi ukuthi kuwuphawu lwakho ukuthi uhambe. Phela, njengoba umlobi uKen Poirot esho, uthando lweqiniso lwakhiwe phezu kwenkululeko yokuzikhethela nokuzikhethela. Akuzona izintambo ezingabonakali zokukhohlisa kanye nolwembu lwesicabucabu lokulawula.
Lesi sihloko sabuyekezwa ngoJulayi 2023.
Ukukhohlisa Kothando - Izinto eziyi-15 Ezifihlwe Njengothando
Izimpawu Eziyisi-8 Zokuthi Unomyeni Olawulayo Futhi Okhohlisayo
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
