"Okonakalisa ubudlelwano futhi okubangela ukulwa okuningi ukungazethembi" - U-Olivia Wilde, umlingisi waseMelika nomenzi wefilimu. Asikwazi ukucabanga indlela engcono yokuchaza izinga lomonakalo ongadalwa ukungavikeleki ebudlelwaneni. Uma uzizwa ungavikelekile ebudlelwaneni, kuvimbela ikhono lakho lokuxhumana ngokweqiniso nomlingani wakho. Ukungavikeleki kunikeza indlela ezinkingeni zokwethembana, futhi lapho ukwethembana kusendaweni entengantengayo, awukwazi ukuzibophezela ngokuphelele kumuntu wakho obalulekile noma ukholwe ukuthi uzibophezele kuwe. Konke okuguquguqukayo kwakho kuncishisiwe ekulindeni ukuthi esinye isicathulo sehle. Yingakho kubalulekile ukuphendula umbuzo othi, “Kungani ngingazethembi kangaka ebudlelwaneni bami?”
Ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni kuhilela ukuzizwa ungafaneleki noma ungafaneleki. Nakuba ukuzethemba komuntu kanye nokuzizwa kwakhe kudlala indima, ngezinye izikhathi le mizwa ingabhebhethekiswa ukuziphatha nezenzo zomlingani. Ukuze ukwazi ukubhekana nokuzizwa ungazethembi ebudlelwaneni, kubalulekile ukubeka ubudlelwano bakho ngaphansi kwe-microscope bese ubuza imibuzo enzima. Yileyo ndlela kuphela yokuthola ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze uma uzizwa ungazethembi nokuthi ungakunqoba kanjani ukungazethembi. Ukuze sikusize kulolu hambo, sikulethela ukuqonda okusekelwe kochwepheshe mayelana nokubhekana nokungazethembi ebudlelwaneni, ngokubonisana nodokotela wengqondo omkhulu uDkt. Prashant Bhimani (Ph.D., BAMS), ogxile ekwelulekeni ngobudlelwano kanye nokwelashwa nge-hypnosis.
Kungani Ngingazethembi Kangaka Ebudlelwaneni Bami? 7 Izizathu Ezingenzeka
Okuqukethwe
Akulula ukuphila nomuzwa wokunganeliseki njalo wokungabi muhle ngokwanele kumlingani wakho noma ukwesaba ukuthi umuntu omthandayo uzokushiya noma nini. Yilokho okwenza uzizwe ungazethembi ebudlelwaneni, okubangela ukuziphatha okuningi okungenampilo okungathinta kabi ukuxhumana kwakho nomlingani wakho futhi kuholele ezingxabanweni ezengeziwe. Lokhu, nakho, kubhebhethekisa ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni nakakhulu. Ukuqala umjikelezo omubi. Yingakho nje uma usuqaphela ukuthi ulwa nokungazethembi, kubalulekile ukubuza, “Kungani ngingazethembi kangaka ebudlelwaneni bami?”
Thatha isibonelo sikaDiana, uweta ozinze eDenver, owahlakulela umkhuba oyimpoqo wokuhlola ucingo lwakhe njalo ngemva kwemizuzu embalwa ngemva kokuthumela umlayezo kumlingani wakhe, uShaun. Ubembhalela ngemibhalo ekhuluma ngokuthi ukuphi, wenzani, nobani, futhi akaba nakuthula kwaze kwaba yilapho ethola impendulo. UDiana wayesesaba ukuthi uShaun uzomkhohlisa. Lokhu kwakungenxa yokuthi wayevame ukujola kancane nabanye besifazane kuyilapho 'ethandeka' kuye. Lokhu kwadala ukungezwani ebudlelwaneni, okwaholela ezimpini njalo.
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Njalo lapho belwa, imicabango yakhe yayiphendukela ohlangothini olubi: Ingabe uShaun wayezomlahla? Kungani uDiana azizwa ngale ndlela? Ekugcineni wavuma kumelaphi wakhe, “Isoka lami lingenza ngizizwe ngingalondekile.” Kwaba yilapho esho la mazwi ephimisela lapho bengakwazi khona, njengabashadikazi, ukusebenza kule nkinga ewumnyombo futhi bathole indlela yokwenza ngcono ubudlelwano babo. Uma nawe ulwa nokungavikeleki ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni bakho, ukuhlonza umnyombo kuyisihluthulelo sokuthola ukuthi ungazizwa kanjani uvikelekile ebudlelwaneni. Ukuze senze lokho, ake sibheke izizathu ezingu-7 ezivame kakhulu zokuzizwa ungavikelekile ebuhlotsheni:
1. Ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwane obudlule
Okuhlangenwe nakho kwethu kubumba imibono yethu, imibono yomhlaba, kanye nokuzizwa ngathi. Uma uke wabhekana nokukhashelwa, ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo , noma ukungathembeki ebuhlotsheni bakho bangaphambilini, kungakukhathaza ngokwesaba ukuphinda ubhekane nobuhlungu obufanayo. Lokhu kungashintsha indlela obheka noma oziphatha ngayo ebudlelwaneni. Ngisho noma umlingani wakho ethembekile, izibazi ezingokomzwelo zesikhathi esidlule zingakwenza ungabaze izinhloso zakhe futhi uhlale ukhathazekile ngokushiywa, ukukhohliswa, noma ukuthathwa kalula. Uma uzithola ucabanga ukuthi, “Ngiyazi ukuthi isoka lami liyangithanda kodwa ngizizwa ngingavikelekile,” isikhathi sakho esidlule singathinta isikhathi sakho samanje.
2. Ukuntuleka kokuxhumana
Ukukhulumisana okuvulekile nokwethembeka kuyinsika yobudlelwano obuhle. Uma lokho kuntuleka futhi umlingani wakho engavezi imizwa yakhe njalo, angabelani ngemicabango yakhe, angakuqinisekisi, noma angavikelekile nawe, kungakushiya uzizwa unganakwa ebudlelwaneni. Futhi, ukuntuleka kokuxhumana kungashintsha ubudlelwano bube yindawo yokuzalela ukungaqondani nokungabaza. Konke lokhu kudala isimo sokungaqiniseki futhi kukushiye uzibuza ukuthi umi kuphi empilweni yakhe.
Isibonelo, uma uzithola ucindezeleka emicabangweni efana nokuthi, “Isoka lami likude kodwa lithi akukho okungalungile,” yingoba uyabona ukuthi kukhona okushaya amanzi kodwa imizamo yakho yokwenza umlingani wakho akuvulele isifuba ayibanga namiphumela. Esimeni esinjalo, ukuziphatha okugadwayo noma okukude ngokomzwelo kungakhulisa ukungazethembi ebuhlotsheni. Lokhu kungaholela ekubeni nomuzwa wokuthi, “Isoka lami lingenza ngizizwe ngingalondekile.”
3. Ukuzinyeza
Indlela umlingani wakho aziphatha ngayo ebudlelwaneni noma indlela akuphatha ngayo kuyingxenye eyodwa nje yale nkinga. Umuzwa wakho wokubaluleka kanye nokuzethemba kudlala indima enkulu ekunqumeni ukuthi uzizwa uphephile kangakanani ebudlelwaneni. Uma ungazihloniphi , ungase ukholelwe ukuthi awufanelekeli uthando noma uzithole uzibuza, “Kungani ngingafaneleki kuye?” Lokhu, nakho, kunikeza ithuba lokwesaba okuqhubekayo ukuthi umlingani wakho ekugcineni uzothola umuntu “ongcono” noma ofaneleka kakhulu.
Lesi siphithiphithi sangaphakathi singakwenza ufune ukuqinisekiswa kozakwenu, uhlaziye ngokweqile izenzo zakhe, noma uhumushe ngokungeyikho ukuziphatha okungenangozi njengezimpawu zokuthi uphelelwa isithakazelo. Uma ubulokhu uzibuza, "Kungani ngingavikeleki kangaka ebuhlotsheni bami?", Kungaba umqondo omuhle ukuphendukela ngaphakathi futhi uhlaziye ubudlelwano bakho nawe.
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4. Izinkinga zokwethenjwa ezingakaxazululwa
Ukungavikeleki ebudlelwaneni kuhlobene eduze nezindaba zokwethembana, kungaba ebudlelwaneni bakho bamanje noma obudlule. Uma umlingani wakho ekunikeza izizathu zokungabaza ukwethembeka kwakhe—njengokuqamba amanga, ukufihla izinto, noma ukuba yimfihlo—kungadala umuzwa wokungamethembi. Ngokunjalo uma uke waqolwa, waqanjwa amanga, noma wakhashelwa yi-ex, leyo mizwa ingahlala iqhubeke, kube nzima ukuthi umethembe umuntu wakho.
Kuzo zombili izimo, ukungazethembi kwakho kuyindlela yokuzivikela ebangelwa ukwesaba ukulimala futhi. Lokho kusho ukuthi, izinkinga zokuthembana ezingaxazululwa azisizi ubuhlobo. Zingakwenza uqaphe ngokweqile, ucabange yonke imininingwane futhi ubuze izisusa zomlingani wakho, okumane kujulise ukungazethembi kwakho.
5. Ukwesaba ukwaliwa noma ukulahlwa
Ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni kungaba umphumela wokwesaba okujulile kokwenqatshwa noma ukulahlwa , okuvame ukuvela kokuhlangenwe nakho kwasebuntwaneni noma ebudlelwaneni bokuqala. Uma wazi ukuthi kunjani ukuzizwa unganakwa ebudlelwaneni, ungase uzizwe ukhathazekile ngokulahlekelwa umlingani wakho, noma ngabe kungekho bufakazi bangempela obubonisa ukuthi uzohamba. Lokhu kwesaba kungabonakala njengokunamathela, ukuswela, noma isidingo esiqhubekayo sokuqinisekiswa. Uma umlingani wakho ehluleka ukuhlangabezana nalezi zidingo, ukwesaba okubonakalayo engqondweni yakho kuqala ukuzizwa kungokoqobo ngokwengeziwe, okwandisa ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni.
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6. Ukuqhathanisa nabanye
Ugibe lokuqhathanisa kanye nokuzizwa ungazethembi ebudlelwaneni kuyahambisana. Uma uqhathanisa ubuhlobo bakho noma wena nabanye, ungase uzizwe sengathi uyahluleka. Ukuhlala ubukela izithombe ezikhethiwe zemibhangqwana “ephelele” ezinkundleni zokuxhumana, isibonelo, kungakwenza ungabaze ubuhlobo bakho, noma ngabe akukho lutho olungalungile ngabo. Noma ukuqhathanisa njalo umlingani wakho nowayengumlingani wakho noma wena nowayengumlingani wakho kungaletha imizwa yokungafaneleki. Ugcina ungabaza ukubaluleka kwakho, ukukhangwa umlingani wakho kuwe, noma ukuthi ubuhlobo bakho bufinyelela yini ezingeni elithile elifanele. Ngenxa yalokho, ungase uzithole uthi, “Ngiyazi ukuthi isoka lami liyangithanda kodwa ngizizwa ngingazethembi.”
7. Amandla obudlelwano obungalingani
I-Lop-sided dynamics ingakushiya uzizwa ungavikelekile ebudlelwaneni. Uma unomuzwa wokuthi unikeza okungaphezu kwalokho owamukelayo, noma umlingani wakho enamandla amakhulu—ngokwezimali, ngokomzwelo, noma ekwenzeni izinqumo—ungase ukhathazeke ngokuthi umlingani wakho akakwazisi noma angakuthatha kalula. Lokhu kungalingani kudala umuzwa wokungafaneleki futhi kukushiye uzizwa ungaphephile ngeqhaza lakho ebudlelwaneni, kudala ukukhathazeka ngokuthi umlingani wakho uyakwazisa ngempela noma uyakuthanda ngenxa yalokho oyikho.
Ingabe Umaqondana Wakho Angakwenza Uzizwe Ungalondekile?
Manje njengoba sesikhulume ngokuthi yini ebangela ukungavikeleki ebudlelwaneni, ake sihlole kabanzi indima yomlingani wakho ekucupheni noma ekubhebhezeleni lokho kungazethembi. Lapho ubhekene nokungavikeleki kobudlelwane, ngaphezu kokuzibuza ukuthi, “Kungani ngingazethembi kangaka ebuhlotsheni bami?”, uzophinde uzibuze, “Kungani isoka/umyeni wami lingenza ngizizwe ngingavikelekile?” Kungani ngizizwa ngingavikelekile ngentombi/unkosikazi wami?”
Lokhu kungenxa yokuthi noma ngabe umlingani wakho engeyona imbangela yokungazethembi kwakho, ukuziphatha kwakhe kungabhebhethekisa leyo mizwa noma kuveze izimbangela ezilele. Ezinye zezinto ezijwayelekile yilezi,
- Ukudlala ngothando
- Ukunciphisa umzimba
- Ukubhuqa
- Ukuba yimfihlo
- Ukungathembeki
- Ukugwema ukuzibophezela
- Ukungabi nandaba nezidingo zakho
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izizathu Eziyi-9 Zokuthi Ungazethembi Kangaka Ebuhlotsheni Bakho
“Ukungazithandi kanye nokuzethemba okuphansi kunomthelela emizweni yokungazethembi ebudlelwaneni . Uma ungakaze ube nobudlelwano bothando nokuphepha nabazali bakho noma uke wadunyazwa esikhathini esidlule ebudlelwaneni bothando, kungakwenza ube sengozini yokungazethembi,” kusho uDkt. Bhimani. Ukuthembela ngokwezimali kumlingani wakho nakho kungakunikeza umuzwa wokungazethembi. Ngezinye izikhathi, impumelelo yomlingani wakho kunoma yimuphi umkhakha, ikakhulukazi owobungcweti, nayo ingaba yimbangela eyisisekelo yokungazethembi ebudlelwaneni.
Ucwaningo lwango -2013 olwanyatheliswa kuyi-Journal of Personality and Social Psychology luthole ukuthi impumelelo yomlingani ingaholela ekwandeni kokuzethemba (ngoba ujabulela inkazimulo ebonakalayo); kanti ngakolunye uhlangothi, impumelelo yomlingani ingaholela ekwehleni kokuzethemba uma sichaza ukuthi “umlingani wami uphumelele” ngokuthi “umlingani wami uphumelele kakhulu kunami”. Ucwaningo lwembule ukuthi ukuzethemba kwamadoda kwakungenzeka kakhulu ukuthintwa kabi yimpumelelo yomlingani wabo.
Izimpawu Eziyi-5 Uzakwenu Ekwenza Ungavikeleki
Sesivele sithinte ukuthi yini eyenza owesifazane angazethembi ebudlelwaneni nokuthi kungani amadoda azizwa engazethembi ngabalingani bawo. Imbangela yokungazethembi ingase ibe ngaphakathi kuwe noma ingase ivele kumlingani wakho. Ngakho-ke, wazi kanjani ukuthi ukungazethembi okuzwayo ebudlelwaneni bakho kubangelwa umlingani wakho? Nazi izimpawu ezinhlanu zokungazethembi ezibonisa lokho:
1. Uhlala ufuna ukuqinisekiswa
Uhlala ufuna isiqinisekiso kanye nokuqinisekiswa ngokomzwelo kumlingani wakho. Isibonelo, ulindele ukunconywa njalo ngezimfanelo zakho (ukubukeka noma ukuhlakanipha) kanye namakhono akho (amakhono okushayela noma okupheka) futhi uma umlingani wakho engakuniki isiqinisekiso osifunayo (ngokuqaphela noma ngokungazi), kungabangela imizwa yokungazethembi.
Lokhu kuthambekela kugqame kakhulu kwabesifazane ababhekene nezinkinga zesithombe somzimba. Imvamisa, ukuphawula ngokubukeka yikhona okwenza owesifazane angavikeleki ebudlelwaneni. Lokhu kungase kukushiye udabukile, “Isoka lami lingenza ngizizwe ngingalondekile ngokubukeka kwami.”
UViolet wayesohlangothini olugcwele. Njalo uma egqoke ingubo engenamikhono, isoka lakhe u-Rob lalithi, "Hey, ngicela ufake ijakhethi. Izingalo zakho zibukeka zikhuluphele." Izinkulumo ezinjalo zamenza wazizwa engathandeki futhi edabukile. Wathululela isifuba kumngane oseduze, “Ngiyazi ukuthi isoka lami liyangithanda kodwa ngizizwa ngingalondekile.” Ngokufanayo, ukuphawula mayelana nempumelelo yobungcweti, ukusebenza embhedeni, noma ukuqhathanisa njalo nomlingani wangaphambili kungenza amadoda angavikeleki ebuhlotsheni.
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2. Umlingani wakho akazinaki izidingo zakho
Uzithola ufuna ukunakwa ngumlingani wakho futhi uzizwa ungakhululekile uma ushiywe wedwa. Ukuba nesidingo nokunamathela kuyisibonakaliso esicacile sokungazethembi ngokomzwelo. Kungaba nomsuka wokunganakwa nokulahlwa ebuntwaneni. Kungenzeka futhi ukuthi lesi sidingo sokunakwa kanye nokungazethembi okulandelayo lapho leso sidingo singahlangatshezwanga kuvela ekunganakweni ngumlingani wakho ngezidingo zakho ezingokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni.
“Lapho umlingani engagcini nje ngokunganaki izidingo zakho zokusondelana okukhulu ngokomzwelo kodwa futhi ekugcona noma ekukhuza ngokuba nalezo zidingo, kumane nje kungokwemvelo ukuthi uzizwe ungalondekile ngekusasa lobuhlobo bakho,” kusho uDkt. Bhimani. Uma lokho ubulokhu ubhekana nakho ebudlelwaneni benu, kungase kubangele ukungalondeki ngokomzwelo.
3. Wesaba ukulahlekelwa yizo
Ungase ube nomuzwa wokuthi awumanelisi umlingani wakho ngandlela-thile. Mhlawumbe, abakakwazisi emndenini wabo. Ngisho nangemva kokuba ndawonye iminyaka eminingana, abazange bazibophezele kwanoma yiluphi uhlobo ukukhombisa ukuthi babona ikusasa nawe. Lokhu kungakwenza uhlale ucabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano bungaphela noma nini, ngaleyo ndlela kukwenze ungazethembi.
Uma ungena ebudlelwaneni unethemba lokuthi buzokhula bube uxhumano olujulile, olunenjongo, nolwesikhathi eside kodwa umuntu othandana naye engakulungele ukukuhlangabeza phakathi noma unomuzwa wokuthi abanawo umbono ofanayo ngekusasa nawe, ukungaqiniseki kungavusa imizwa eminingi yokukhathazeka. Le mizwa yokukhathazeka ihumusha ngokuthi, “Umlingani wami/intombi yami/isoka lami ingenza ngizizwe ngingavikelekile.”
4. Ulokhu ubuza ngohlelo lwabo
Uma uqhubeka ubuza umlingani wakho ukuthi uzobe ekuphi ngesikhathi engekho kuwe, nokuthi nobani, ubonisa izimpawu ezivamile zokungazethembi ebudlelwaneni . Lokhu kungenzeka ukuthi umlingani wakho kungenzeka ukuthi ukuqambile amanga esikhathini esidlule noma okungenani wayengafihli lutho ngalokho okwenzeka empilweni yakhe. Lokhu kuye kwathinta ukwethembana ebudlelwaneni, kwakwenza waba umlingani ongazethembi.
Uma wonke amandla akho engena ekukhathazekeni ngokuthi umlingani wakho wenzani, noma uzohamba, noma uyakuthanda ngempela, akunakuphikwa ukuthi ukungavikeleki sekubambe ngokujulile ebudlelwaneni bakho. Imbangela kungaba ukuziphatha komlingani wakho okunqanyuliwe noma ukuhoxa emoyeni.
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5. Ujwayele ukucofa
Uma unomkhuba wokuhlola ifoni noma ikhompyutha yomlingani wakho njalo, kuwuphawu lokungazethembi okukhulu. Ungase uzithethelele izenzo zakho ngokuzitshela ukuthi: “Ngikwenza lokhu ngoba isoka lami lingenza ngizizwe ngingazethembi.” Kodwa ukuziphatha okunjalo kuyinqaba eqinile njengoba kwephula ubumfihlo bakhe.
Futhi, isizathu esiyisisekelo salokhu kuthambekela singase sibe semigudwini yobudlelwano bakho. Isibonelo, uma uthole umlingani wakho ecupha isithandwa sakho ezinkundleni zokuxhumana noma edlala ngothando nomuntu osebenza naye, ungase uzizwe ungavikelekile ukuthi uzoduka. Ezimweni ezinjalo, impendulo yombuzo othi, kungani ngingazethembi kangaka ebuhlotsheni bami, kungenzeka, amanga kakhulu ngendlela umlingani wakho aziphatha ngayo ebuhlotsheni. Nokho, lokhu akusho ukuthi umthwalo wakho ongokomzwelo awunayo ingxenye ongayidlala lapha.
“Imizwa yokungazethembi cishe ngaso sonke isikhathi ibangelwa ingqondo kanye nempilo engokomzwelo yomuntu.” Yebo, isimo sengqondo somlingani wakho noma ukuziphatha kwakhe kungase kubangele ukungalondeki kwakho kodwa iqiniso lokuthi lokhu kwenzeka nhlobo libonisa ukuthi kakade bekunokungalondeki okucashile endaweni ethile engqondweni yakho,” kusho uDkt. Kungakho, lapho uzama ukuqonda ukuthi yini ebangela ukungavikeleki ebudlelwaneni, kubalulekile ukuthi uhlole futhi uqonde izimpendulo zakho zemizwa kanye nezindlela zokuziphatha.
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Ungabhekana Kanjani Nokuzizwa Ungalondekile Ebudlelwaneni
Kungokunye ukuvuma: “Umlingani wami ungenza ngizizwe ngingalondekile.” Futhi okunye ukubhekana nakho ngendlela efanele. Eqinisweni, uma ubuza umbuzo othi, “Kungani ngingazethembi kangaka ebuhlotsheni bami?”, ukubeka icala komunye umuntu futhi ukuzibona njengesisulu kulula kakhulu kunokuvuma ukuthi nawe ungaba nesandla ekungavikelekeni kobudlelwano bakho futhi uthathe izinyathelo ezisheshayo zokunqamula amaphethini okuziphatha ayinkinga.
Ukubheka ngaphakathi nokuqonda ukuthi yiziphi izinyathelo ongazithatha ukuze ususe ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni bakho kungaba nzima kodwa akunakwenzeka. Ngesiqondiso esifanele kanye nokuzazi, ungaqondisa ubudlelwano bakho endleleni ephephile neyanelisayo. Ngenxa yalokho, nansi eminye imibono yokuphatha noma ukunqoba ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni :
1. Zithande futhi uzazise
Impendulo yokuthi ungakunqoba kanjani ukungavikeleki itholakala ekufundeni ukuthi uzithanda kanjani futhi uzamukele njengoba unjalo. Uma ungazithandi, ngeke ukholwe ukuthi omunye umuntu angakuthanda. Cabanga ngazo zonke izici zakho ezinhle—umusa wakho, umuzwa wokuzijabulisa, nokwethembeka. Thola induduzo emicabangweni yokuthi ujabulisa umlingani wakho—umnika uthando nokusekela nokuthi uyakwazi futhi uyakwazisa lokho.
"Kungase kube nezwi eligxekayo ekhanda lakho eligxile ezicini zakho ezimbi. Ungakuvumeli ukuba kukulawule. Yiba nomusa futhi ube nozwelo kuwe. Zamukele lokho oyikho - warts nakho konke. Yiyo kuphela indlela yokungavumeli amazwi alulazayo ashiwo umlingani wakho noma oshade naye akulimaze imizwa yakho noma ukuzethemba," kusho uDkt Bhimani.
Uma ukwazi ukufinyelela amazinga anempilo okuzithanda , imicabango efana nokuthi “Umyeni wami ungenza ngizizwe ngingazethembi ngomzimba wami” noma “Umkami ungenza ngizizwe ngingafaneleki” ngeke ikuphazamise ukuthula kwengqondo. Uma usuzijwayeza futhi usuwazi kahle ubuciko bokuzithanda, isidingo sokuqinisekiswa ngumlingani wakho sizoncipha ngokuzenzakalelayo, kanye naso, imizwa yakho yokungazethembi.
2. Thuthukisa ukuzethemba kwakho
Esikhundleni sokubheka umlingani wakho ukuze ambonge futhi amqinisekise, sebenzela ekukhuthazeni ukuzethemba nokuzethemba. Umuzwa wakho wokuzethemba nokuphila kahle akufanele uncike kuzo. Nakhu okufanele ukwenze uma uzizwa ungavikelekile: thola izindlela zokuba inguqulo engcono kakhulu yakho. Gxila ekuzithuthukiseni ngokomsebenzi, thatha izifundo ze-inthanethi ukuze uthuthukise isethi yakho yamakhono, noma usebenzele ekubeni nempilo enhle futhi uphile kahle (uma lokho kuzokwenza uzizwe uqiniseka).
Uma unezinkinga ngomzimba wakho, futhi uvame ukuzithola ukhathazekile ngomcabango othi, “Ngizizwa ngingavikelekile ngomzimba wami eduze kwesoka lami/umyeni wami”, sebenzela ekulungiseni indlela yokuzibheka nokwamukela ubuhle bomzimba wakho . Amazwi noma izenzo zomlingani wakho zivame ukuvusa ukungaqiniseki okukhona futhi zingakushukumisi. Ngakho-ke, ukuze uyeke ukungaqiniseki ebuhlotsheni bakho, udinga ukufinyelela emnyombweni wokungazethembi kwakho bese ukukuqeda.
3. Tshela umlingani wakho ukuthi uzizwa kanjani
Khuluma nokungazethembi kwakho kumlingani wakho ngempumelelo. Khetha isikhathi lapho nobabili nizwana ukuzwana ukuze nixoxe ngendaba. Uma uvulekile mayelana namagama noma izenzo ezikwenza ungazethembi, futhi kukhona uthando ebuhlotsheni, umlingani wakho nakanjani uzozama ukushintsha ukuziphatha kwabo.
Isibonelo, uma bekugcona ngokuba umpheki omubi, noma bekugcona ngokungazi kwakho izindaba zamanje, futhi lokho kwakwenza wacabanga ukuthi, “Kungani ngingafaneleki kuye?”, kubalulekile ukuthi bazi kahle ukuthi uzizwa kanjani. Bazoyeka ukukugcona nokukugcona uma usunqobe izithiyo zokuxhumana futhi uveze imizwa yakho ngokwethembeka.
UDokotela Bhimani uthi, “Kumele nikhulume ngendlela ecacile, kunokuba nicabange ngazo zonke izinto, khuluma nomlingani wakho kusengaphambili, thola ukuthi kungani umlingani wakho eziphatha ngendlela ethile. Ukuxhumana okucacile kuzokunikeza ukukhululeka okuqinisekile. ”
4. Veza lokho okufunayo
Futhi, kubalulekile ukusho ngokucacile ushintsho olufunayo. Uma uphazanyiswa ukuphawula okungekuhle komlingani wakho, mtshele kanjalo. Akudingekile ukuthi ulwe. Ungavele ukhulume ngokungagwegwesi ubatshele, “Ngicela ushintshe indlela oziphatha ngayo njengoba ngizizwa ngingaphephile?” Lokho kufanele kwenze iqhinga,” kuchaza uDkt Bhimani.
Isinyathelo sokuqala sokufunda ukunqoba ukungazethembi ukuzijwayeza ukuxhumana okucacile, okufushane, nokungaxabani nomuntu omthandayo. Ungagijimisi indle noma usebenzise ukuziphatha okunolaka ukuze ubonise ukungajabuli kwakho ngento umlingani wakho angase ayenze. Yibeke njengoba injalo, ngaphandle kokwahlulela noma ukubeka icala.
5. Qonda izisusa zomlingani wakho
UDkt. Bhimani uthi, “Umlingani wakho kungenzeka ukuthi ukwenza ngamabomu uzizwe ungavikelekile ngoba udinga ukunakwa kakhudlwana. Ngamanye amazwi, kungenzeka ukuthi udlala ngothando kwabanye ukuze akwenze ube nomona. Lokhu kungase kube yindlela yabo yokudlulisa izidingo zabo ezingafezeki ebudlelwaneni, nakuba ngendlela engafanele. Uma kunjalo, ungakwazi ukuqeda ukungavikeleki komlingani wakho ngokuqinisekisa ukuthi uyahlangabezana nezidingo zakho ngokuqiniseka ukuthi uhlangabezana nezidingo zakho. zinganakwa noma zingathandwa, zinaka ngokwengeziwe, zibenze bazizwe bethandwa.”
Uma kwenziwa ngamabomu nangenjongo yokusebenzisa ukulawula, ukwenza umlingani azizwe engavikelekile kungaba uhlobo lokukhwabanisa ngothando . Umlingani wakho angase ahlose ubuthakathaka bakho ukuqinisekisa ukuthi uyakudla esandleni sakhe ngenkathi efaka umzamo omncane ebudlelwaneni. Indlela osabela ngayo noma obhekana ngayo nokuzizwa ungavikelekile ebudlelwaneni bakho incike esizathwini salokho, ngakho qiniseka ukuthi uyayiqonda imbangela yako.
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6. Buyisela inhlansi ebudlelwaneni bakho
Ngemva kweminyaka ethile ushadile noma usebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside, ungase ubambeke kakhulu ekuthwaleni imithwalo yemfanelo yekhaya lakho nomsebenzi wakho ukuze ungazibeki phambili ekuxhumaneni kwakho ne-SO yakho. Lokhu kungashiya oyedwa noma bobabili abalingani bezizwa benganakwa ebudlelwaneni , okuholela ezenzweni nasekuziphatheni okubangela ukungazethembi.
Qonda ukuthi ukuziphatha kwabo kuvelaphi futhi uzame ukuhlela isikhathi lapho nobabili ningakwazi ukuxhumana njengombhangqwana ongenandaba futhi nigcine inhlansi iphila ebudlelwaneni benu. Yenza umzamo wokujabulisa umlingani wakho. Ukuqamba kabusha uxhumano lwakho njalo njengoba ukhula futhi uthuthuka, ngabanye nanjengobashadikazi, kungasiza ekugcineni ukungazethembi kude.
7. Dala amasiko aduduzayo
Uyazibuza, ukuthi ungavikeleki kanjani ebuhlotsheni? Ungenza ushintsho futhi uqale ukuqeda ukungazethembi, noma okungenani ufunde ukukuphatha kahle, ngokwenza ubudlelwano bakho bube yindawo ephephile nejabulisayo yakho nomlingani wakho. Lapho nithola induduzo nenduduzo omunye komunye, ngokwemvelo niyozizwa nilondeke kakhudlwana phakathi komunye nomunye.
Ukuze ufeze lokho, yakha ngamabomu amasiko athile okuxhumana nomlingani wakho nsuku zonke. Hambani niyohamba ekuseni, nipheke ukudla ndawonye, nibukele uhlelo lwethelevishini njalo, bonisani uthando lwenu ngokomzimba ngokuthintana nangokugonana, noma joyinani ikilasi lokuzilibazisa njengobuciko noma umculo ndawonye okuzoninika okuthile eningabelana ngakho.
8. Hlukanisa amaphethini amadala
Ngamunye wethu uthwala imithwalo yethu yemizwa futhi uyiletha nasebudlelwaneni bethu. Lo mthwalo unquma indlela esixhumana ngayo nabalingani bethu futhi siziphathe ngayo ebudlelwaneni bethu. Ukuqaphela lo mthwalo kungakusiza ukuthi ushintshe amaphethini amadala, amabi, okusiza kakhulu ekunqobeni ukungazethembi. Zifundise ukucabanga nokuziphatha ngendlela ehlukile kunendlela owawuziphatha ngayo ebudlelwaneni obudlule obuhlulekile.
Ukwenza lokhu kungase kungabi lula kodwa kungaba yimpendulo ephumelela kakhulu yokuthi ungazethembi kanjani ebudlelwaneni. Kuyinselele kubantu abaningi ukuqala lolu hambo lokuzihlola nokuzazi bona ngokwabo. Ukusebenza nodokotela wezokwelapha noma umeluleki kungaba yinzuzo enkulu kulo mzamo. Uma ukungazethembi kwakho kujulile futhi sekuqalile ukuthinta ikhwalithi yobudlelwano bakho, cabanga ngokufuna usizo lochwepheshe. Abeluleki abanolwazi nabanekhono kuphaneli yeBonobology balapha ukuze bakusize.
9. Yenza umzamo oqotho wokuyeka ukucabanga ngokweqile
Imicabango yakho ithinta imizwa yakho futhi kokubili lokhu kuthinta ukuziphatha kwakho, futhi ekugcineni ubuhlobo bakho. Uma uqhubeka uhlaziya wonke amagama noma izenzo zomlingani wakho, uzogcina uphazamisekile unomphela. Futhi, uzohlala ucabanga, "Ungenza ngizizwe ngingavikelekile ngamabomu."
Kodwa ingabe kunjalo ngempela? Ungase ulahlekelwe ubuthongo ngenxa yokuthi, “Umlingani wami/intombi yami/isoka lami likude kodwa lithi akukho okungalungile”, kuyilapho, eqinisweni, kungase kungabikho lutho olungalungile. Mhlawumbe umlingani wakho udinga nje isikhathi sokuba yedwa. Yingakho ehlala kude nawe. Gcina umbono onempilo noqondile, futhi wenze umzamo obonakalayo wokungaqali ukudweba izimo ezimbi kakhulu ekhanda lakho uma izinto zingenzeki ngokwamathemba akho kanye nalokho okulindele. Lokho kuzokusiza ekunqobeni ukungavikeleki.
10. Ungaqhathanisi
Elinye lamathiphu alula okuthi ungavikeleki kanjani ebudlelwaneni ukugwema ugibe lokuqhathanisa ngazo zonke izindleko. Kuvamile ukubheka abanye abashadile bese uqhathanisa isimo sakho nesabo. Cabanga ngobudlelwano njengentaba yeqhwa. Okubonayo kuyiphuzu nje, kungase kube nezinye izingqimba eziningi ongazi lutho ngazo.
“Ungaqhathanisi ubuhlobo bakho nabanye abashadile, ngoba nje umngane wakho usebenzelana nomlingani wakho okhohlisayo, kungase kungabi njalo ngawe,” kweluleka uDkt. Bhimani. Ngokufanayo, ungazizwa ungafaneleki ngobudlelwano bakho ngenxa nje yokuthi umngane wakho uthumela izithombe ngobusuku bezinsuku zamasonto onke nomngane wakhe womshado oneminyaka engu-14 noma wazi umbhangqwana ohamba ngezinyawo njalo ngeSonto.
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11. Nika umlingani wakho indawo yokuphefumula
Ukunikeza umlingani wakho inkululeko ebudlelwaneni kubalulekile. Ukuzama ukulawula izenzo zomlingani wakho kuzombuyisela emuva. “Yamukela ukuthi angase ahluke kuwe, futhi angase abe nemibono ehlukene noma abe nemizwa ehlukene. Lokho akusho ukuthi abakukhathaleli,” kusho uDkt. Bhimani. Isikhala esifanele ebudlelwaneni singakusiza nobabili nichume njengabantu ngabanye kanye nanjengombhangqwana.
Ungangeni esimweni sokucabanga ngokweqile uma umlingani wakho efuna ukuchitha uMgqibelo nabangane bakhe esikhundleni sakho noma uma evala ucingo ngaphandle kokuthi, "Ngiyakuthanda". Kunalokho, nakhu okumele ukwenze uma uzizwa ungavikelekile: banikeze indawo yokuthi babe ngezabo futhi bafunele uhlobo olufanayo lwesikhala nawe. Lokhu kuzokuvumela ukuthi uthokozelane ngokuthi ungubani esikhundleni sokuzizwa ungavikelekile ngomlingani wakho ongaphili ngendlela yakho yokuthi kufanele abe nguye.
12. Zibuze imibuzo ethile
Yini engiyithanda ngempela ngomlingani wami? Ingabe ngithola lokho okungifanele ebudlelwaneni? Sekukonke, ingabe ngivame ukujabula noma ngiphatheke kabi ebudlelwaneni? Ingabe ngikuthola kunzima ukwethemba omunye wami obalulekile? Ingabe inkinga umyeni/isoka lami lingenza ngizizwe ngingavikelekile ngomzimba wami?
Futhi, ekugcineni, ingabe sikhona isizathu sangempela sokuba ngizizwe ngingalondekile? Ngabe umaqondana wami ungiqambele amanga noma ngike ngabona imibhalo ocingweni yakhe ekhombisa ukuthi uyakopela? Njengoba sishilo ekuqaleni, uma ufuna ukuthola ukuthi ungakunqoba kanjani ukungavikeleki, udinga ukubuza imibuzo ethile engakhululekile. Izimpendulo zale mibuzo zingase zikusize uthole ukuthi kungani uzizwa ungalondekile nokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nakho.
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13. Zimisele ukuzimela
Impendulo yokuthi ungakunqoba kanjani ukungavikeleki itholakala ekuboneni ukuthi uphelele futhi wenele uwedwa. Zinakekele futhi ufune ukuzimela—ngokomzimba, ngokwengqondo, nangokomzwelo. Ukuzithanda nokuzinakekela kuzoqeda ukungavikeleki. Uma impilo yakho izungeza kumlingani wakho, nakanjani uzozizwa ungavikelekile. Zithembe futhi uzitshele ukuthi ungakwazi ukuzinakekela.
Ukuba nezikhonkwane ezimbalwa empilweni yakho ngaphandle kobudlelwano bakho kungakwenza ungavikeleki. Kungakho kubalulekile ukucabanga ngazo zonke izinto ezikwenza ujabule—umsebenzi wakho, abangane, ukuvivinya umzimba njalo, ukuzilibazisa, neminye imigomo yokuzithuthukisa—futhi ugxile kuyo kakhulu.
14. Khulisa obunye ubudlelwano
Ukungabikho kobunye ubudlelwano obanelisayo empilweni yakho—ake sithi, nabazali, izingane zakini, noma abangani—kungase kukwenze uthembele kakhulu kumlingani wakho. Uma ubeka umthwalo wokuhlangabezana nazo zonke izidingo zakho kumlingani wakho futhi ehluleka ukuhlangabezana nalezo zidingo, ukungazethembi kungavusa ikhanda labo elibi. Isihluthulelo sokunqoba ukungavikeleki wukuzakhela impilo ehlelekile lapho umlingani wakho kungeyena kuphela umthombo wakho wenjabulo, ukwaneliseka, nokwaneliseka.
Ngakho-ke, esikhundleni sokuzikhathaza “ngomlingani wami/intombi yami/isoka lami lingenza ngizizwe ngingavikelekile”, sebenzisa amandla akho ekuthuthukiseni obunye ubudlelwano nezinjongo empilweni yakho. Uma ubudlelwano bakho bungeyona into oyishoyo noma isiphetho sempilo yakho yonke, ungase uqale ukuzizwa ungalondekile kangako ngakho.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwane obudlule, ukuntuleka kokukhulumisana, izindaba zokwethembana, ukwesaba ukulahlwa, kanye nokuzethemba ezinye zezizathu ezingaba zokungazethembi ebudlelwaneni.
- Nakuba ukungazethembi kuvela emthwalweni womuntu ongokomzwelo, ukuziphatha kozakwethu kungase kubangele noma kwandise ukungazethembi.
- Uma uzithola uhlezi ufuna ukuqinisekiswa kumlingani wakho, uzwa sengathi izidingo zakho azinakwa, futhi ukhathazeke ngokuthi umlingani wakho uyahamba, umlingani wakho angase akwenze uzizwe ungavikelekile.
- Ukuze ulawule ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni, funda ukuzithanda nokwazisa wena, sebenzela ukwakha ukuzethemba kwakho, veza izidingo zakho futhi uzijwayeze ukuxhumana ngokukhululekile, futhi ugxile ekuphileni ukuphila okugcwele.
Imicabango Final
Ukungavikeleki ebudlelwaneni kuyisithiyo esikhulu sokusondelana. Kungase kukwenze ube nomona ongenangqondo. Kungase kukwenze uzame ukulawula umlingani wakho, okuwuphawu olungenampilo. Ngokususa ukungazethembi ungajabulela ubuhlobo obujabulisayo nokwanelisayo. Sithemba ukuthi njengoba usuqondisile ukuthi yini edala ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni, uzokwazi ukuphula amaphethini akho amadala futhi ufunde ukusebenzelana ne-SO yakho ngendlela enempilo, ehlanganisa konke.
Umhlahlandlela Wesinyathelo Ngesinyathelo Wokwakha Kabusha Uthando Ngemva Kokulimala Okungokomzwelo
Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
