Ukuqhunyiswa Kwebhomu Lothando Okungahlosiwe: Izindlela Eziyi-9 Ongase Ube Unzima Ngazo Umlingani Wakho

Ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu kothando kuwuhlobo lokuhlukumeza ngokwengqondo nangokomzwelo oluvame ukucatshangelwa njengokuthopha ngokweqile, ngokuvamile okuyithuluzi elikhethwayo lama-narcissists ukuze ahehe isithakazelo sothando futhi akwazi ukulawula phezu kwabo. Nokho, le phethini yokuziphatha ayihlali ibalwa futhi ihlelwa kusengaphambili. Ngezinye izikhathi, ngenxa yemithwalo yabo engokomzwelo, umuntu angase agcine eqhubekisela phambili lezi zenzo ngaphandle kokuqaphela ukuthi uyakwenza. Lokho kwaziwa njengokuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni okungahlosiwe. 

Kodwa-ke, ngenxa yokuthi ukuziphatha kungokungahlosiwe akusho ukuthi akunampilo noma akuyingozi ebudlelwaneni bakho. Uma ujwayele ukushuba kakhulu ekuqaleni kobudlelwano bothando noma ukuzandisa ukuze uzuze intshisekelo yezothando noma umlingani bese ugcine usubakhungathekile, udinga ukuzibuza, "Ingabe ngikuthanda ngephutha ukuqhumisa ngamabhomu umuntu engimthandayo/nemizwa yakhe?" 

Ake sikusize uthole impendulo yalo mbuzo obonakala unzima ngokungena ujule encazelweni yokuqhunyiswa kwebhomu yothando ungahlosile, izizathu ezingemuva kwayo, izimpawu eziyisixwayiso zokuthi ungase ube necala kanye nendlela yokuphula le phethini, ngemininingwane evela kwabanye abaziwayo bezempilo yengqondo nobudlelwano.  

Kuyini Ukuqhunyiswa Kwezibhomu Kothando Okungahlosiwe?

Ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni okungahlosiwe kwenzeka lapho othile ethela umlingani wakhe ngothando oludlulele, ukunaka, nezipho ngaphambi kobudlelwane ngaphandle kokuqaphela ukuthi lokhu kuziphatha okumangalisayo kungase kube ukukhohlisa noma ukulimaza. Ngokungafani nokuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othando ngamabomu, okuyisu lokulawula elibaliwe, ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni okungahlosiwe kuvela emizweni yangempela kodwa kusengaba yingozi ngendlela efanayo ekuxhumekeni kothando okufufusayo. 

Udokotela Wezengqondo u-Ami Kaplan, we-LCSW, uphawula ukuthi nakuba ukuhlaselwa uthando kuvame ukuhlotshaniswa nokuphazamiseka kobuntu obuzithanda ngokweqile, “noma ubani uyakwazi ukuhlaselwa uthando.” Ugcizelela ukuthi ezimweni eziningi, ukuziphatha okungazi lutho okuvela esitayeleni somuntu sokuzihlanganisa, ukuzethemba, kanye nesimo somphakathi. Ake sihlole ukuthi ngayinye yalezi zici ingasiza kanjani othandweni lomuntu lokuqhumisa umlingani wakhe, noma ngabe kungekho nhloso embi ngemuva kwezenzo zakhe:

Isitayela sokunamathisela kanye nolwazi lwempilo yangaphambi kwesikhathi

Ngokusho kwethiyori yokunamathela , indlela esakha ngayo ubudlelwano lapho sesikhulile ivame ukuthonywa ukuxhumana kwethu kwasekuqaleni nabanakekeli. Uma umuntu ebhekene nokungaguquguquki noma ukunganakwa ekhula, angase akhokhele kakhulu ubudlelwano ngokunikeza umlingani wakhe uthando nokunaka ngokweqile. Lokhu kuziphatha kuvame ukuqhutshwa ukwesaba okujulile kokushiywa noma ukwenqatshwa.

Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDkt. Laura Berman siyachaza, “Abantu abanesitayela sokunamathela ngokukhathazeka bangase bacindezele umlingani wabo ngothando, bengaqapheli ukuthi beqa imingcele, bezama ukuqinisekisa ukuthi umlingani wabo akahambi.” Isibonelo, uma unesitayela sokunamathisela esikukhathazayo ungase uzizwe unesidingo sokuhlala uqinisekise umlingani wakho ngothando nokuzinikela kwakho, njengendlela yokuqinisekisa ukuzibophezela kwakhe, noma ufune ukuqinisekiswa kubo ukuze uziqinisekise ukuthi ngeke bakushiye, noma ngabe azikho izinkomba abangase bazenze. 

Ukungavikeleki nokwesaba ukwaliwa

Ukuqhumisa uthando okungahlosiwe kungaba umphumela wokungazethembi komuntu okucashile. Uma wesaba ukuthi umlingani wakho angase ahlukane nawe ngoba into efanayo ike yenzeka kuwe esikhathini esidlule noma ungaqiniseki ngemizwa yakhe, ungase ukhokhele ngokweqile ngokuzama ukudala ukusondelana nokuxhumana ngokuncoma njalo, ukunakwa, noma ukuxhumana. Kulesi simo, ukuba nothando ngokweqile noma ukuxhumana ngokweqile kuyindlela yokuzizwa uphephile ebudlelwaneni.

UDkt. Alexandra Solomon, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esinelayisensi, uyachaza, “Abantu abaye babhekana nokulahlwa noma ukulahlwa esikhathini esidlule bangase benze konke okusemandleni ukuze baqiniseke ukuthi umngane wabo wamanje akabashiyi, ngisho noma lokho kusho ukubacindezela.” 

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Ukuzibona ubalulekile kuboshelwe ebudlelwaneni

Ukuthambekela kokutshala imali ngokweqile ebudlelwaneni ngoba unomuzwa wokuthi umlingani wakho uchaza ukufaneleka kwakho nakho kungaholela ekuqhumeni kothando okungahlosiwe. Uma uqala ukubuka ubudlelwano njengento oyifezile echaza ukubaluleka kwakho, ungase uphume endleleni yakho ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi yonke into ilungile ngaso sonke isikhathi futhi ugcine utshala amandla angokomzwelo ngokweqile ebuhlotsheni, okungase kuholele ekutheni ungayinaki imingcele yomlingani wakho ungaqondile. 

Ephinda lokhu, uchwepheshe wezobudlelwano uDkt. Carla Manly uthi, “Uma umuntu ebeka kakhulu ukuzethemba kwakhe ezandleni zomunye umuntu, angamcindezela ngokungahlosile umlingani wakhe ngothando oluningi ngomzamo wokulondoloza lolo xhumano olungokomzwelo .”

Ukwenza umlingani ofanele

Ukuthanda umuntu othandana naye kuyinto engokwemvelo ezigabeni zokuqala zobudlelwano bothando . Uma usesigabeni somshado odumile, ubheka umlingani wakho “njengophelele” noma “onguyena”. Nakuba lokhu kuyindlela yemvelo yokudlula ebuhlotsheni bothando, uma uthatha lokhu kuthanda umuntu othandana naye ngokweqile ngokubonisa njalo ukuthi uyamhlonipha kangakanani umlingani wakho, kungamenza azizwe engakhululekile noma ecindezelekile.

Isimo somphakathi

Udokotela wezokwelapha uDkt. Emily Roberts uthi, “Umphakathi uvame ukusifundisa ukuthi uthando kufanele luboniswe ngezindlela eziphawulekayo, futhi abantu bangazifaka ngaphakathi le miyalezo, okuholela ekuziphatheni okungase kunqobe noma kucindezele abalingani babo.” Uma uthathwa ngumqondo wothando olugcwele futhi olunentshiseko oluvezwa kuma-movie nasemidlalweni ye-TV, ungase ucabange ukuthi izenzo zothando eziqhubekayo kanye nokubonakaliswa kothando olukhulu yizona kuphela izindlela zokwenza umlingani wakho azizwe ethandwa . Kodwa-ke, “okujwayelekile” kuwe kungase kuzwakale kungaphezu kwamandla omlingani wakho.

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Izenzo Eziyi-9 Eziphakamisa Ukuthi Ungase Uthande Ukuqhumisa Umlingani Wakho Ngaphandle Kokwazi

Manje njengoba usuqonda incazelo yokuqhunyiswa kwebhomu yothando ngokungahlosiwe, mhlawumbe kuzoba lula kuwe ukuhlonza uma ngabe ubulokhu ukhungathekisa umlingani wakho wothando ngokushesha kakhulu. Nakuba inhliziyo yakho ingase ibe sendaweni efanele, ukunganaki imingcele yomlingani wakho nokushiya indawo yokuqhubekela phambili kwemvelo kobudlelwano kungase kubangele. 

Cabanga ngoMelinda noGeorge, abahlangana ngabangane bobabili. UGeorge wathathwa nguSarah ngaso leso sikhathi futhi wamcela ukuba bahambe naye. Ngenkathi usuku luhamba kahle, ukuziphatha kukaGeorge kamuva kwenza uMelinda wagijima kwelinye icala. Ngaphansi kwehora ngemva kokuphela kosuku lwabo lokuqala, uGeorge wathumela umbhalo othi ube nesikhathi esimnandi. Konke bekukuhle futhi kukuhle kuze kube manje, uMelinda waze wabonga nokungagwegwesi kukaGeorge. Kodwa-ke, imilayezo yayingayeki ukuza. 

Wayelokhu emthumelela imiyalezo yothando ubusuku bonke, kwathi ngosuku olulandelayo, eveza ukuthi wayengakaze azizwe ngale ndlela ngomunye umuntu ngaphambili. Ekupheleni kosuku, wacela ukuqomisana okwesibili . Ejabule ngendlela uGeorge ayemthanda ngayo, wavuma. Kungakapheli nesonto, wammangaza ngomgexo obizayo wamcela ukuba ahambe naye baye eholidini langempelasonto.

Manje, u-Melinda waqala ukukhungatheka ngenxa yejubane nokuqina kwalolu xhumo lothando olufufusayo. Wayekujabulela ukuba noGeroge kodwa wayengakalungeli intuthuko esheshayo enjalo. Izinhloso zikaGeorge zaziqotho; wayekholelwa ukuthi ngokuveza imizwa yakhe ngokukhululekile nangokukhululekile, wayeqinisa isibopho sabo. Nokho, izenzo zakhe zamcindezela ngokungaqondile uMelinda, zamenza washesha futhi engakhululekile. Wagcina esethi ngeke esakwazi ukuqhubeka nokumbona. 

Uma lokho kuzwakala sengathi uziphatha kanjani ekuqaleni kobudlelwano bothando, kufanelekile ukucabanga ngombuzo othi, “Ingabe ngithanda ukuqhumisa ngengozi?” Ngisho noma umgomo ungewona ukulawula noma ukukhohlisa ebudlelwaneni , izenzo zakho zingaphazamisa ukwakha ubuhlobo bangempela nomuntu omthandayo. Nazi izenzo ezingu-9 ezibonisa ukuthi uthanda ukuqhumisa ngengozi umlingani wakho futhi udinga ukucabanga kabusha ngendlela yakho:

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1. Ukuthumela imiyalezo noma ukushayela njalo

Ukuthumelelana imiyalezo noma ukushayela umlingani wakho ucingo ngaso sonke isikhathi ukuze uhlole noma umtshele ukuthi ukhathalela kangakanani kungenye yezibonelo zothando olungenanhloso ezivamile. UDkt. Alexandra Solomon, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, uyachaza, “Uma umlingani oyedwa ehlala ezama ukuxhumana, kungadala umuzwa wesibopho, hhayi uxhumano.” Umlingani wakho angase azizwe ecindezelekile ukuba aphendule futhi lokhu kungaholela ngokushesha emzwelweni wokuzizwa ecindezekile ebudlelwaneni . Manje, wazi kanjani ukuthi imvamisa yezingcingo zakho nemiyalezo yakho ingaphezu kwamandla? Nansi izinkomba ezimbalwa:

• Uthumela imibhalo eminingi ilandelana uma bengaphenduli
• Ushaya izikhathi eziningi usuku lonke, ungalokothi unikeze umlingani wakho ithuba lokufinyelela yena yedwa
• Icala lakho-lithwele umlingani wakho lapho engakwazi noma engeke akubuyisele 

2. Ukuhlela izinsuku ezingaphezulu-phezulu noma lezimanga

Ukuhlela amadethi ayinkimbinkimbi noma izenzo ezinkulu kungenye indlela ongase ucindezele ngayo umlingani wakho ngokubonakala sengathi unamandla kakhulu. Esinye isizathu sokuthi lokhu kuyisibonakaliso esibomvu ukuthi kuvame ukuvela emzweni ongaphansi wokungafaneleki, okungaholela ekukhokheni ngokweqile. UDkt. Manly, uyaphawula, “Ngezinye izikhathi, izenzo ezinkulu zisetshenziselwa ukuvala ukwesaba ukungafaneleki noma ukudala umuzwa ongamanga wokusondelana.” Uma uzibuza, “Ingabe ngithanda ukuqhumisa umlingani wami ngengozi?”, bona ukuthi unecala lokuziphatha okulandelayo:

• Ukuhlela uhambo olungalindelekile noma izidlo zakusihlwa zothando njalo
• Ukweqa nezipho noma izenzo zothando eziwubukhazikhazi 
• Ukuhlela izinto ngaphandle kokunaka ukuthi ngabe lezi zihambisana nokunethezeka komlingani wakho

3. Ukuchichima umlingani wakho ngokuncoma

Ngiyazi ukuthi ucabangani—ubani ongathandi ukunconywa! Nakuba lokho kuyiqiniso futhi ukuncoma kubalulekile ekuboniseni ukwazisa kumlingani wakho, okuningi kwakho-ikakhulukazi kusenesikhathi-kungamenza azizwe engakhululekile. UDkt. Shannon Kolakowski, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, uthi, “Uma uhlale utshela umlingani wakho ukuthi umangalisa kangakanani, kungase kudale ukuguquguquka lapho enomuzwa wokuthi akavunyelwe ukubonisa noma yimaphi amaphutha.” 

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4. Ukuphoqa ukusondelana nokusondelana

Ukuphusha umlingani wakho ukuthi asondelane kakhulu kunalokho akulungele kungolunye uphawu lokuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni okungahlosiwe. Uma zidinga isikhala futhi uphusha ukuze usondelane njalo, ingazizwa ishunqa. Isazi ngobudlelwano uDkt. Roberts, “Ukuphushela ukusondelana ngokushesha, ngaphandle kokuhlonipha imingcele, kungadala ukukhathazeka nokungazweli kumlingani wakho.” Nakhu lapho imizamo yakho yokwakha ukusondelana ebudlelwaneni iphenduka esinye sezibonelo zokuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni okungahlosiwe: 

• Ukuphikelela ezingxoxweni ezijulile, zomuntu siqu umlingani wakho angakhululekile ngazo 
• Ukulahla i-trauma egameni lokuvuselela ubungozi ebudlelwaneni
• Ukuphikelela ekuhlangabezaneni nezigigaba ezinkulu zobudlelwano njengokungena ndawonye ekuqaleni kobudlelwano

5. Ukwenza izithembiso ezinkulu ngokushesha

Ngezinye izikhathi, ngenxa yenjabulo yobuhlobo obusha, ungase wenze izithembiso noma izimemezelo ezingakafiki isikhathi, njengokukhuluma ngekusasa ndawonye ngemva kwamasonto ambalwa nje nithandana noma ukubiza umlingani wakho ngokuthi “yena” noma “umngane wakho womphefumulo” kuyilapho ningakalwi okokuqala. UDkt. Berman uyachaza, “Ukwenza izithembiso ezinkulu njengomshado noma unomphela kusenesikhathi kungadala amathemba angenakwenzeka futhi kubeke ingcindezi engadingekile ebuhlotsheni.”

6. Ukuchitha sonke isikhathi sakho samahhala ndawonye

Ngiyakuzwa, uma uhlangana nomuntu omusha futhi ushaywe ngokungenathemba, ufuna ukuchitha isikhathi sokuvuka naye. Nokho, ngenxa yokuthi ufuna okuthile, akusho ukuthi kunempilo kuwe. Ungase ufune ngisho nokupholisha ikhilogremu yekhekhe nsuku zonke kodwa uyazi ukuthi lokho kuzokuholelaphi. Kunjalo nangobudlelwano benu. 

Uma wenza ngokuvumelana nesifiso sakho sokuba nomlingani omusha ngangokunokwenzeka futhi uhlela njalo ukuchitha sonke isikhathi sakho samahhala nomlingani wakho, uchitha noma yiliphi ithuba lesikhala somuntu siqu futhi lokhu kungenza umlingani wakho azizwe sengathi udlula impilo yakhe yonke, ungamshiyi indawo yokuhlonipha ezinye izibopho zakhe noma ukugxila ekuzinakekeleni.

7. Ukunganaki isidingo sabo sendawo

Uphawu olubalulekile lokuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu kothando ukungaqapheli lapho umlingani wakho edinga isikhathi somuntu siqu noma indawo, ngisho nalapho ekucela ngokusobala. Umlingani wakho angase ahambisane nokushukuma kwakho phezulu isikhashana, kodwa esikhathini esithile, uzokutshela ngokuqondile ukuthi udinga indawo ethile noma angase akhulume ngakho ngokuza nezaba zokukwenqaba lapho uphakamisa icebo elilodwa ngemva kwelinye noma umnciphise ngezingcingo nezivivinyo. 

Uma esikhundleni sokuhlonipha imingcele yabo, ungase uqhubeke nokubabonisa uthando noma uzame ukuba nabo njalo, uthandana nabo sengathi akulona udaba lwamuntu. Echaza ukuthi kungani lokhu kungeyona inkinga empilweni, uDkt. Kolakowski uyachaza, “Uma umlingani wakho eziqhelelanisa , futhi wena uphokophela ukusondelana kakhudlwana, usengozini yokwephula imingcele yabo, okuholela ekucasukeni.”

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8. Ukubeka injabulo yabo kuqala kuneyakho

Yize ubudlelwano kumele bube yinto ehamba phambili empilweni yakho, akumele kube phezulu noma kube yibo kuphela okumele kuqala. Uma ungazinaki izidingo zakho noma uhlala ubeka phambili ezozakwenu, uvulela indlela yokuguquguquka okungenampilo ngokwedlulele. 

UDkt. Manly uyachaza, “Uma ugxila ekwenzeni umlingani wakho ajabule kuphela bese udebeselela injabulo yakho, usengozini yokuthuthukisa ukuguquguquka kokuthembela komunye nomunye okungaphephile kubo bobabili abantu.” Lokhu kungase futhi kuholele emizweni yokukhathala ngokomzwelo , kokubili kuwe nakumlingani wakho. Nazi ezinye izibonelo zendlela ukungabeki izinto eziza kuqala ngendlela efanele futhi kuyindlela yokuqhuma kothando okungahlosiwe:

• Ukhansela izinhlelo ngaphandle kokucabanga okwesibili uma kusho ukuthi uthola ukuchitha isikhathi nomlingani wakho 
• Uhlela usuku lwakho lonke noma impilo ngokuhambisana nezidingo zomlingani wakho, noma ngabe kukushiya uzizwa uphelelwe amandla
• Uzibophezela ngokweqile ekwenzeni izinto ocabanga ukuthi zizobajabulisa, ngaphandle kokucabangela ukunethezeka kwakho noma inhlalakahle yakho

9. Ukwenza konke ngobudlelwano

Njengoba ngishilo, nakuba ubuhlobo bubalulekile, akubona kuphela. Uma yonke into oyenzayo igxile ebudlelwaneni, kungase kuzwakale sengathi asikho isikhala somuntu ngamunye noma ukukhula komuntu siqu, okungenza ukuxhumana kuzizwe kumile futhi kuphelelwa umoya ngokushesha okukhulu. UDkt. Berman uthi, “Kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukugxila kumngane wakho womshado, kodwa uma ubuhlobo buthatha konke, kungase kubangele imizwa yokuphelelwa umoya noma ukutubeka ngokomzwelo.”

Umthelela Wokuqhunyiswa Kothando Olungahlosile Ebudlelwaneni

Ngisho noma ungakuqonda ukuziphatha okukhulunywe ngakho ngenhla ebudlelwaneni, ungase ucabange, “Nginemizwa eqinile neqotho ngomlingani wami futhi ngifuna ukuyiveza. Yini engalungile ngalokho? Ingabe ukuqhumisa uthando kuhlale kubi? Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi ngisho nezenzo ezinenhloso enhle ngezinye izikhathi zingamnqoba umlingani futhi zikulahlekisele ubudlelwano obungase bukhule bube yinto ejulile nenenjongo ukube ubuyinike isikhathi sokukhula ngokwemvelo. Ukuqhumisa uthando okungahlosiwe kuyaphula isisekelo sobuhlobo , ngezindlela ezilandelayo:

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1. Kukhungathekisa umlingani wakho emoyeni

Uma ugeza umlingani wakho ngothando nokunaka njalo, kungase kuzizwe kunzima kuye, ikakhulukazi uma edinga indawo eyengeziwe noma isikhathi sokucubungula imizwa yakhe. Isibonelo, uma uthumela umbhalo noma ushayela umlingani wakho ucingo izikhathi eziningi ngosuku, ngisho noma bengakaphenduli, bangase baqale ukuzizwa bekhathazekile ngokuxhumana nawe, futhi lokhu kungaholela ekukhathaleni ngokomzwelo.

2. Yenza umlingani wakho azizwe enengcindezi ukuthi aphindisele

Ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu kothando kungadala ukulindela okungashiwongo kumlingani wakho ukufanisa izinga lakho lothando noma ukuzibophezela, okungamenza azizwe engafaneleki noma enecala uma engazizwa ngendlela efanayo ngejubane elifanayo. UDkt. Manly uyachaza, “Lapho omunye umngane womshado ekhipha uthando oludlulele, kungase kucindezele omunye engahlosile ukuba azizwe noma enze ngendlela efanayo, okungadala ukukhathazeka noma ukungabaza.

3. Idala ukungalingani ebudlelwaneni

Uma uhlala uqala izinhlelo, wenza izinqumo zobudlelwano, futhi uveza imizwa yakho, umlingani wakho angase aqale ukuzizwa sengathi uyaqhutshwa esikhundleni sokuhlanganyela ngenkuthalo ebudlelwaneni. Lokhu kudala isibalo esilinganayo kunokuba kube ukubambisana kwabantu abalinganayo.

UDkt. Berman uthi, “Lapho umlingani oyedwa ebusa ukuphana ngokomzwelo ebuhlotsheni, kudala ukungalingani okungaholela ekucasukeni, ekuhoxiseni, futhi ekugcineni, kunqamuke.” Ngemva kwephuzu, ungase uqale ukuzizwa sengathi uzinikela kakhulu ebuhlotsheni futhi uzizwe udumala njalo ngokuthi umlingani wakho akakubuyiseli. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, umlingani wakho angase athole ukuziphatha kwakho kungenangqondo futhi ahlehlise ngokuthi, "Awu, angizange ngikucele noma yikuphi kwalokhu."

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4. Kwakha imizwa yokungabi yiqiniso

Uma izinkulumo zothando zishubile noma kungazelelwe, kudala umuzwa wokungabi naqiniso futhi kungashiya umlingani wakho engabaza ukuthi imizwa yakho ingeyeqiniso noma uziphatha ngale ndlela ngoba ucabanga ukuthi yilokho afuna ukukuzwa. UDkt. Roberts uthi, “Ngisho noma ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni kungahlosiwe, kungase kubonakale njengokudlulele noma okubhalwe phansi, okuholela owamukelayo ukuba angabaze ubuqiniso bokuxhumana.”

5. Kuholela ekungafezeki okulindelwe

UDkt. Solomon uthi, “Okulindelwe okungakafezeki kungabangelwa ukungavumelani endleleni uthando oluboniswa ngayo, futhi lokhu kungadala ukungezwani uma bobabili abalingani bengekho esimweni esifanayo ngokomzwelo.” Uma uveza njalo imizwa yakho yothando nokuzinikela kodwa umlingani wakho engaphenduli ngendlela efanayo, ungase uqale ukuzizwa ukhungathekile noma ungaqiniseki ngokuzibophezela kwabo. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, ukhungathekiswe uthando lwakho oluqhubekayo, umlingani wakho angase aqale ukuhoxa ngokomzwelo. Ungase ulindele ukuthi umlingani wakho azizwe ngendlela efanayo, kodwa angase adinge isikhathi esengeziwe ukuze ahambisane nesivinini sakho. Lokhu kudala ukungavumelani okungasongela ukuba khona kobuhlobo.

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6. Ukukhulumisana okunempilo kuyaphazamiseka

Kungani uthando lwamabhomu luhlala lubi, uyazibuza? Ake ucabange ngalokhu: umlingani wakho ube nosuku olunzima emsebenzini futhi ufuna ukuchitha isikhathi esithule ukuze ahlanze ikhanda noma mhlawumbe ufuna ukuphuma nabangane bakhe futhi akhiphe umoya. Kodwa uvela endaweni yabo yokusebenza, izimbali zisesandleni, ukubhuka kwesidlo sakusihlwa okwenziwe, ngethemba ledethi yothando, ngaphandle kokuthi umlingani wakho engekho endaweni efanele futhi kuholela ekulweni. 

Uphatheke kabi ukuthi abasazisi isenzo sakho esicabangelayo. Bathukuthele ukuthi ngeke uhlehle futhi ubanike umzuzu wokuphefumula. Yilokho okwenzekayo uma uthanda ibhomu umlingani. Ungase ugxile kakhulu ekuboniseni umlingani wakho ukuthi umkhathalela kangakanani uze ukhohlwe ukumbuza ukuthi uzizwa kanjani noma ukumnika indawo yokuveza imicabango yakhe nezinto ezimkhathazayo.

Uma umuntu oyedwa ehlala eveza uthando ngokweqile, ukugxila kobudlelwano kungase kusuke ekukhulumisaneni okuvulekile kuye ekuzameni 'ukuphatha' noma 'ukwamukela' uthando, futhi ngaleyo ndlela, uphuthelwa ithuba lokwakha ukuqondana nokuxhumana.

7. Kubhebhethekisa ukungabaza nokungazethembi

UDkt. Kolakowski uthi, “Ukuqhumisa uthando kungaholela ekungazethembini komuntu okwamukelayo, ongase azizwe ekhungathekile yijubane noma ukuqina, okumenza athathe isinyathelo ukuze ahlole kabusha imizwa yakhe.” Uma umlingani wakho ebanjwa ngamandla othando lwakho, angase aqale ukungabaza imizwa yakhe noma ukuthi ukulungele ngempela yini ukuzibophezela okukhulu kangaka. Lokhu kungabangela ukuba athathe isinyathelo futhi abangele imizwa yokungazethembi kuwe.

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Uma usuqaphele ukuthi izenzo zakho zingase zibe uthando oluhlasela umlingani wakho ngokungahlosile, kuhle ukuthi ufuna ukulungisa lokho. Nazi izindlela eziyisikhombisa ezisebenzayo zokulungisa ukuziphatha kwakho nokuletha ibhalansi eyengeziwe kanye nenhlonipho ebudlelwaneni bakho . Lawa maqhinga azokusiza ukuthi wakhe amandla anempilo ngenkathi usathuthukisa ukuxhumana phakathi kwakho nomlingani wakho.

1. Qaphela futhi uhloniphe imingcele yabo

Wonke umuntu udinga isikhala sokucubungula imizwa yakhe, futhi lokho kuhlanganisa nesikhathi esingaphandle kothando noma ukuxhumana okuqhubekayo. Yingakho, esinye sezinyathelo zokuqala zokulungisa ukuqhunyiswa kothando okungahlosiwe ukufunda ukuqaphela nokuhlonipha imingcele yemizwa yomlingani wakho . Qala ngokubuza umlingani wakho ngemingcele yakhe. Isibonelo, “Ngiyaqaphela ukuthi bengilokhu ngithumela imiyalezo eminingi. Uzizwa kanjani ngalokho? Ingabe udinga isikhala ngezinye izikhathi?”

Khona-ke, yenza umzamo wokuhlonipha noma yimiphi imingcele umlingani wakho ayibekayo. Isibonelo, uma bethi bebezizwa bekhungathekile ngenxa yokulindela ukuxhumana njalo, zijwayeze ukulinda ngaphambi kokuthi uthumele imilayezo eminingi noma ushaye ucingo ngokuphindaphindiwe. Nikeza umlingani wakho isikhathi sokuphendula eyedwa.

2. Yehlisa ijubane futhi unikeze umlingani wakho isikhathi sokubamba

Esikhundleni sokujaha izigaba zobudlelwano noma ukuphoqa ukusondelana okujulile, thatha isinyathelo sokubuyela emuva bese uvumela umlingani wakho isikhathi sokucubungula nokulinganisa izinga lakho lothando. UDkt. Roberts, isazi sezokwelapha ubudlelwano, uphakamisa ukuthi, “Vumela umlingani wakho athathe izintambo ezicini ezithile zobudlelwano. Ungazizwa isidingo sokuphoqa ukusondelana noma ukuzibophezela ngaphambi kokuba zilungele.”

Lokhu kuzovimbela ukubacindezela futhi kunikeze igumbi lobudlelwano ukuthi likhule ngesivinini esinempilo. Uma senivele nenze izimemezelo ezinkulu noma nikhulume ngekusasa ndawonye, ​​zama ukuzikhulula kulezo zihloko. Vumela umlingani wakho aqale lezi zingxoxo lapho ezizwa ekhululekile. Gxila ekujabuleleni izikhathi zamanje nozakwenu ngaphandle kokujaha ukuchaza ikusasa.

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3. Linganisa uthando lwakho nokukhulumisana okunempilo

Nakuba uthando ebudlelwaneni lubalulekile, akufanele ludlule ukubaluleka kokukhulumisana okuvamile nokulinganiselayo. Qiniseka ukuthi izingxoxo zakho aziphathelene nje nothando—xoxa ngemicabango yakho, imizwa, ngisho nezinto ezikukhathazayo ngokukhululekile.

UDkt. Kolakowski uthi, “Ukulinganisela kuyisihluthulelo. Uma ukhuluma ngokukhululekile ngemizwa yakho ngaphandle kokugaxa omunye umuntu ngothando, uvula isikhala sokuba bobabili abalingani bazizwe bezwakala futhi beqondwa.” Ukuze ukwazi ukwenza lokho, udinga

• Gxila ekwakheni isisekelo sokwethembana nokuxhumana
• Zinike isikhathi sokungena nomlingani wakho mayelana nezidingo zabo, izinkathazo, nezifiso
• Buza eminye imibuzo evuleleke njengokuthi, "Uzizwa unjani ngathi njengamanje?"

4. Vumela umlingani wakho ukuthi ahole ngezinye izikhathi

Uma ujwayele ukuphatha ubudlelwano—kungaba ngokuqala izinhlelo, ukwenza izinqumo, noma ukunikeza lonke uthando—kungasiza ukuhlehla futhi uvumele umlingani wakho athathe izintambo ngezikhathi ezithile. Lokhu akubonisi nje ukwethembana kuphela kodwa kusiza ukudala ukuguquguquka okulinganayo lapho bobabili ozakwethu benikela khona. 

UDkt. Manly ugcizelela ukuthi, “ Ubudlelwano obuhle buyachuma lapho bobabili abalingani bezizwa sengathi baneqhaza elilinganayo kanye nobunikazi obulinganayo. Ukuvumela umlingani wakho ukuthi ahole kuthuthukisa ubudlelwano obusebenzisana kakhulu.”

5. Nikeza isikhala sobuntu kanye nezithakazelo zomuntu siqu

Kulula ukuthi ugxile kakhulu ebudlelwaneni, kodwa ukulondoloza izithakazelo zomuntu ngamunye kanye nokuvumela umlingani wakho enze okufanayo kuzovimbela ubudlelwano ukuthi bube obudlayo. Kubalulekile ukuthi ungagcini nje ngokukhulisa ubudlelwano bakho kodwa nokukhula kwakho komuntu siqu kanye nokuzimela. Ungakwenza lokhu nge 

• Ukukhuthaza umlingani wakho ukuthi aphishekele izinto azithandayo nezithandayo, futhi wenze okufanayo kuwe
• Kunokuba nihlale nenza izinhlelo ndawonye, ​​zihlonipheni izikhathi lapho umlingani wakho edinga isikhathi somuntu siqu, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi esokuzinakekela noma ukuchitha isikhathi nabangane.

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6. Qaphela lokho okulindele futhi ukulungise

Ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni kuvame ukudala okulindelekile okungenangqondo lapho umlingani wakho engase azizwe ecindezelekile ukuba abuyisele ngezinga elifanayo lokuqina. Ngokuqaphela lokhu okulindelekile nokukulungisa, ungadambisa ingcindezi kumlingani wakho.

UDkt. Berman uyaphawula, “Uma ulindele okungokoqobo ngendlela uthando oluboniswa futhi olwamukelwa ngayo, kuvumela bobabili abalingani ukuthi bazizwe bekhululekile ngejubane labo.” Ngakho-ke,

• Phinda ubuyekeze ijubane olindele ukuthi ubudlelwano buqhubeke
• Vumela umlingani wakho ukuthi athathe isikhathi sakhe futhi aveze imizwa yakhe ngokwemvelo
• Esikhundleni sokuhlala ulindele uthando olusheshayo noma ukushukuma komzimba, nikeza umlingani wakho indawo yokuzwakalisa lokhu ngokwemvelo
• Gxila ekujabuleleni izikhathi ezincane ndawonye

7. Zibandakanye ekuzicabangeni nasekuzaziseni

Ukuzicabangela wena ngokwakho kanye nokuzazi kubambe ukhiye wokulungisa ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu kothando okungahlosiwe. UDkt. Solomon uyeluleka, “Ukuzazi kubalulekile. Ngokuqonda izisusa zakho zokweqisa uthando, ungenza izinqumo ezinengqondo zokubonisa uthando ngezindlela ezinempilo nezinokulinganisela kakhudlwana.” 

Ukuqonda ukuthi kungani uhileleka ekuqhumeni uthando—kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukugcwalisa isikhala esingokomzwelo, ukukhulisa ukuzethemba kwakho, noma ngenxa yokwesaba ukulahlwa —kungakusiza ukuthi uthathe isinyathelo sokubuyela emuva futhi ulungise ukuziphatha kwakho.

• Chitha isikhathi ucabanga ngokuziphatha kwakho nokuthi kungase kumthinte kanjani umlingani wakho.
• Zibuze, "Ingabe nginikela kakhulu ngokushesha?" noma “Ingabe ngizama ukulawula ijubane lobuhlobo ngenxa yokwesaba?”
• Uma uzibona usubuyela emikhubeni yakudala, ngena kumlingani wakho bese uxolisa uma kudingeka
• Bazise ukuthi uzimisele ukuhlonipha imingcele yabo

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa 

Imicabango Final 

Ukuqhunyiswa kwamabhomu othandweni okungahlosiwe kungalimaza ubuhlobo uma umlingani oyedwa ezizwa ecindezelekile, ecindezelwa, noma ekhathele ngokomzwelo. Ngokuqaphela le miphumela engaba khona, ungalungisa ukuziphatha kwakho ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi uthando lwakho luboniswa ngendlela enempilo nelinganiselayo. Konke kumayelana nokuhlonipha ijubane lomunye nomunye nezidingo ezingokomzwelo kuyilapho nigcina ukukhulumisana okuvulekile, nokwethembeka. Uthando kufanele luzizwe lungokwemvelo, lungaphoqwa, futhi lapho bobabili abalingani bevunyelwa ukuba bakhule futhi bahambe ngejubane labo, ubuhlobo buyoqina ngokwemvelo.

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