Ukusho Izinto Ezibuhlungu Kumuntu Omthandayo Kubuthinta Kanjani Ubudlelwano  

Sivame ukusho izinto ezilimazayo ebudlelwaneni ngesikhathi sokulwa noma ukungaboni ngaso linye. Esimeni esishisayo, akufikeki kithina ukuthi silimaza bonke ubudlelwano ngokusho amagama ahlabayo. Asikunaki ukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo okungenzeka sikwenza kozakwethu.

Ukusho izinto ezilimazayo kumuntu omthandayo kungabangela ukucasuka okungapheli. Ngesikhathi siphola futhi siqala ukuqonda ukuthi ngabe sibuzwise kanjani ubuhlungu, sekwephuze kakhulu. Kwesinye isikhathi, “uxolo” olulula nje aluqedi. Yingakho ukuqonda ukubaluleka kokuthi amagama ayinhlamba angalimaza kanjani ubuhlobo kubaluleke kakhulu.

Uma wazi ukuthi intukuthelo ijule kangakanani ingabunqamula ubudlelwano bakho phakathi, uzoba nesizathu esihle sokuyeka ukukhuluma amazwi ahlabayo ngenxa yentukuthelo. Ukuze senze lokho, ake siqonde ukungathi sína komonakalo ongadalwa amazwi anokhahlo.

Ukuthi Ukusho Izinto Ezibuhlungu Ebudlelwaneni Kukuthinta Kanjani

Ukusho izinto ezilimazayo kumuntu omthandayo kungaba nemiphumela efinyelela kude. Ikhono lokukhuluma ngokuphumelelayo ngaphandle kokusebenzisa amagama anokhahlo lingaqinisa ubuhlobo. Kodwa, lapho umlingani wakho ephendukela ekuhlaselweni ngamazwi futhi esho izinto ezilimazayo lapho ethukuthele, kwenza buthaka isisekelo sobuhlobo. Kungaholela ngisho nasekuhlukunyezweni ngokomzwelo lapho ukucindezeleka kufinyelela eqophelweni elibilayo. Pho, kungani sikhuluma izinto ezilimazayo kulabo esibathandayo? Abantu bathi kungenzeka ukuthi kungenxa yokuthi:

• Ukungakwazi ukulawula intukuthelo yomuntu
• Omunye umlingani uzizwa ephakeme futhi efuna ukuba namandla empini
• Ozakwethu bathathana kalula
• Isidingo sokuthola iphuzu
• Uzakwethu ozama ukwehlisa i-ego yomuntu

Kunezinto ezibuhlungu okungafanele uzisho kumlingani wakho , njengoba kungase kungenzeki ukululama kuzo. Uma umlingani wakho esho izinto ezibuhlungu lapho ethukuthele, ungase:

• Qala ukwesaba ulaka lwabo
• Bagcine ngo ukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo ubudlelwano ngenxa yokuhlaselwa ngamazwi njalo
• Ekugcineni buphelile ubuhlobo

Ngakho-ke, nyathela ngokucophelela futhi uhlale ukhumbula ukuthi ukungahloniphi ebudlelwaneni kukuthinta kanjani. Kulula ukushelela endaweni eshelelayo uye ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo. Nazi izindlela eziyi-15 lapho ukusho izinto ezimbi kumuntu omthandayo kuthinta ubudlelwano.

1. Kulimaza ubuhlobo futhi kukhombisa ukuthi awunandaba

Ukusho izinto ezibuhlungu kumuntu omthandayo kungaba ukuqala kobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo . Isilonda sengqondo esibangelwa yilesi sigameko sizohlala sisengqondweni yomlingani wakho. Bazozizwa bekhungathekile, futhi yileyo ndlela ukusho izinto ezimbi kumuntu omthandayo okubangela ngayo umonakalo ohlala njalo.

UClaudia, umfundi wasekolishi eWisconsin, uthi, “Isoka lami lisho izinto ezilimazayo lapho lithukuthele. Kodwa ingabe lisuke lisho lokho elikushoyo lapho lithukuthele?

Ingabe umuntu angakuthanda ngempela uma esho izinto ezibuhlungu? Umsebenzisi we-Reddit uthi, “Yebo ngiyakholwa ngoba ngezinye izikhathi asazi ukuthi singayichaza kanjani indlela esicabanga ngayo futhi ivele ngendlela embi noma ebuhlungu. Sizizwa sizisola ngokushesha kodwa uma bengazisoli kusobala ukuthi abanandaba nhlobo.”

2. Umlingani wakho ulahlekelwa inhlonipho ngawe

Uma indoda isho izinto ezibuhlungu, umlingani uzizwa engahlonishwa. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, intukuthelo, ubuhlungu, noma ngisho nokwesaba kungangena. Abantu bathi uma inhlonipho isiphumile ebudlelwaneni, ngokuvamile akubange kusathemba ukululama. Futhi, ubuhlobo obuhlukumezayo ngamazwi bungaphenduka obuhlukumezayo ngokomzimba nomlingani olawulayo . Bobabili abalingani kumele bamukele ukuxhumana okunempilo ukuze baqale ukwakha kabusha uthando, ukwethembana, inhlonipho, kanye nokuxhumana.

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3. Umlingani wakho uba kude

Imbongi u-Atticus yathi, “Amazwi azoklwebha izinhliziyo eziningi kunezinkemba.” Lapho umlingani wakho ekhuluma izinto ezibuhlungu kuwe , kuvame ukudlala engqondweni yakho. Ungase uzisole ngezenzo zakho kamuva bese ukhala ngokuthi, “Ngikhulume izinto ezibuhlungu esokeni lami/intombi yami, futhi ngizizwa kabi kakhulu.” Kodwa imizwa yakho yecala ngeke iqede ubuhlungu. Uma izinto zingaguqulwa futhi umlingani wakho esho izinto ezibuhlungu lapho ethukuthele, ingabe ukuxolisa okulula kungakulungisa konke? Akunakwenzeka, akunjalo?

4. Ukusho izinto ezilimazayo kumuntu omthandayo kungabangela ubutha

Uma ukuxoxisana okulimazayo kuyisibonelo, kungalimaza ubuhlobo ngezindlela eziningi. Nazi izibonelo ezimbalwa:

• Ubutha kanye ukuziphatha kwe- passive-aggressive ingase ingene ebudlelwaneni
• Umjikelezo ononya wokuphindisela wokulimazana ungase ungene phakathi
• Kungase kube nokuntula ukuqonda okuphelele
• Umuntu ohlukunyeziwe angase azizwe ekhungathekile futhi angase asabele ngobudlova
• Omunye noma bobabili abalingani bangase bahlole kokubili ngokwengqondo nangokomzwelo

Uma isoka lakho likhuluma izinto ezibuhlungu lapho licasukile, uzophatheka kabi lapho licasuka, ngoba uyazi ukuthi yini ezayo. Kuleli qophelo, ubuhlobo bungase bube ngaphezu kwephuzu lokuthola indlela yokusabela lapho oshade naye esho izinto ezilimazayo noma indlela yokusingatha umlingani wakho ekuthethisa. Uma zingekho izinyathelo zokulungisa, ubudlelwano buzogcina buphelile. 

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5. Izikhathi zokulwa kwakho ziyandas

Uma oshade naye esho izinto ezibuhlungu, kunzima ukuthethelela. Kunamathuba okuthi indaba ingaba yinkinga enkulu ezimpini zenu zesikhathi esizayo. Futhi umjikelezo wokusho izinto ezibuhlungu ngenxa yentukuthelo ungase uqhubeke. Ukuzijwayeza ukuthethelela ebudlelwaneni obugcwele izinto eziningi ezimbi akulula. Yonke impi, impikiswano, noma ukuxokozela okusha kuba isenzo sokususa amanxeba amadala, kuwashiye ethambile futhi ebuhlungu futhi. Yileyo ndlela ukusho izinto ezimbi kumuntu omthandayo okwandisa ngayo ukuvama kokulwa.

6. Umlingani wakho uzizwa engathandwa

Uma umlingani esho izinto ezilimazayo lapho ethukuthele, empeleni utshela abantu bakhe ababalulekile ukuthi abaziswa, abahlonishwa, noma abathandwa kulokhu kuhlobana. Kuleso simo, kuyindaba yesikhathi ngaphambi kokuba baqale ukungabaza ubuqotho bemizwa yakho ngabo. Ukusho izinto ezilimazayo kumuntu omthandayo kunemiphumela eminingi ehlanganisa:

• Ukuzinyeza ohlangothini lwesisulu
• Bazizwa besengozini, bengathandwa, futhi bengaziswa
• Ukudala umbono wokuthi uyikho ukuzithatha kalula
• Bezingabaza
• Babhekana nemizwa yokunganakwa ngokomzwelo

Phakathi kwezinto ezilimaza kakhulu ongazisho kowesifazane/owesilisa ukuhlaselwa kokubukeka kwabo noma izici zabo zobuntu eziwumgogodla. Uma utshela umlingani wakho ukuthi uyayizonda indlela akhuluma ngayo noma ukuthi uyakucasula kangangokuthi uvumele ukuhlukumeza, angase aqale ukuba nemicabango yokuthi umthanda kangakanani. 

Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uNandita Rambhia (M.Sc. ku-Psychology), ogxile kwi-CBT, i-REBT, kanye nokwelulekwa kwabashadile uthi, “Uma kukhulunywa ngokunganakwa ngokomzwelo kanye nokulimala, kaningi, abantu abaqapheli ukuthi amazwi nezenzo zabo kungaba nomthelela omubi kubalingani babo abathandanayo. Ngokuvamile akuhlosiwe, yingakho kufanele uqale ubanikeze ithuba lokungabaza.”

7. Intukuthelo ingena ebuhlotsheni benu

Uma usho izinto ezimbi esokeni lakho noma entombini yakho, kungaba nomthelela ohlala njalo ongashintsha uhlobo lobudlelwano benu. Ukuhlaselana ngamabomu ubuthaka nobuthakathaka bomunye nomunye kungabangela ukucasuka. Izinto ezilimaza kakhulu ongazisho kusoka noma intombi yakho zihlanganisa ukuhlaselwa kwamandla abo. Akukhona nje kuphela ukuthi ukuzethemba komuntu ohlukunyeziwe kuphelile, kodwa futhi bakubambe kumlingani wabo.

Ukuyeka intukuthelo ebudlelwaneni kunzima. Amagama amabi nanonya ahlangana abe umthwalo wemizwa ocindezelayo. Khona-ke, njalo uma ningavumelani, anidingi nje ukubhekana nezinkinga zamanje kodwa futhi nobunzima balo mthwalo. Ungazibuza ukuthi ungawanqoba kanjani amazwi abuhlungu ebudlelwaneni ngendlela oyifunayo, kodwa kunethuba elihle lokuthi akekho kini ozokwazi ukukhohlwa ubuhlungu.

UNandita uthi: “Uma kubuhlungu ngokomzwelo, sivame ukubeka lonke icala kumuntu osizwile ubuhlungu.

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8. Ubudlelwano bakho buphenduka ubuthi

Ungase uthi, “Ngasho izinto ezilimazayo esokeni lami”, noma “Ngathethisa intombi yami ngentukuthelo futhi ngasho izinto ezinonya” kodwa kamuva ngingene ezimpini ezimbi. Hhayi-ke, akuvamile ukuba ube nomuzwa wecala futhi wenze isifungo sokuthi ngeke uphinde uphendukele ekuziphatheni okunjalo. Nokho, lapho impi elandelayo iba, ungase uzithole wenza into efanayo.

Uma kungahlolwanga, kuba yisici sephethini sombhangqwana onobuthi . Ukuze uphule le phethini, udinga ukuqonda kuqala ukuthi kungani sisho izinto ezibuhlungu uma uthukuthele. Kungenxa yokuthi kuyindlela elula yokuveza ukukhungatheka nobuhlungu bakho. Futhi, kulula kakhulu kunokugxila ezinkingeni zakho nokusebenza ekuzixazululeni. Uma usuqaphele ukuthi kungani ugcina ukhethe izinto ezibuhlungu kakhulu ongazisho esokeni noma intombi yakho, ungathola ukuthi ungakuyeka kanjani.

9. Nobabili niqala ukufuna uthando kwenye indawo

Ukusho izinto ezimbi ebudlelwaneni kungasibekela uthando phakathi kwenu nobabili. Izinto ezilimaza kakhulu ongazisho kowesifazane/owesilisa ziholela kulokhu:

• Ukungabaza ngobudlelwano
• Ukungabaza ngenhlonipho esele ebudlelwaneni
• Ukungabaza ngothando ebudlelwaneni
• Ozakwethu abafuna ithuba lokuqala kabusha kwenye indawo
• Amathuba aphezulu we imizwa, okungase kuqhubezele umlingani olimele kude nalowo ozwisa ubuhlungu

Ngokuvamile akunandaba ukuthi izinto ezishiwo ngentukuthelo ziyiqiniso noma cha. Ngesinye isikhathi, abantu abaningi bazokhetha ukunqamula ubuhlobo nomlingani wabo wamanje uma amagama ayinhlamba engabonakali eyeka.

10. Umthelela ezinganeni

Uma kwenzeka ukuthi kunezingane ekhaya, ukuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi nangokomzwelo kuzobathinta kakhulu. UJane, umngane, wavuma, “Ngisanda kuqala ukuqaphela ukuthi izingane zami zithinteka kakhulu kangakanani yilesi simo esiyingozi esikuso. Amamaki azo ehlile, futhi azisajabuli kangako lapho zisekhaya.” Kusobala ukuthi bobabili abantu kumele bafunde ukuyeka ukusho izinto ezibuhlungu lapho bethukuthele, uma kungengenxa yabo, okungenani ngenxa yezingane. Uma kungenjalo, kungadingeka bacabangele ukushiya umshado ngokuthula.

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11. Ukulimala kokusondelana

“Umyeni wami wangibiza ngokuthi ngiyisifebe esikhulu nesibi ngesikhathi sixabana,” kusho uJane. Waqhubeka wathi: “Futhi ngalobo busuku, wayelindele ukusondelana ngokomzimba. Ngazizwa ngikhathele ngoba lawo mazwi abuhlungu. Uyazi ukuthi ngilwa nokuzethemba okuphansi ngemva kokuzalwa komntwana wethu.” Akunandaba ukuthi izinto ezibuhlungu ezishiwo ngentukuthelo ziyiqiniso noma cha, umthelela uhlala ufana. Kungabangela umonakalo ongenakulungiswa kunoma yikuphi ukusondelana ngokomzimba , ekugcineni kuholele ebudlelwaneni obuhlulekile.

12. Umthelela empilweni yengqondo

Ukuhlaselana okuqhubekayo kwezinkulumo ezibuhlungu komunye nomunye noma komunye umlingani kungaba nomthelela omubi engqondweni. Kuyisibonakaliso sokuthi usebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo ngokomzwelo . Uma indoda isho izinto ezibuhlungu kumkayo njalo, kuphumela emjikelezweni omubi wokuhlukumeza ngamazwi nangokomzwelo okungaholela ku:

• ukukhathazeka 
• Ukucindezeleka
• Ukucindezeleka
• Ukuzenyeza
• Ukuzithemba
• Umuzwa Wecala 
• Ukuba Wedwa

Kuyaphawuleka ukuthi inkosikazi ingase ibe ngumenzi wobubi, okubangela imiphumela engokwengqondo endodeni. Kumelwe nifunde indlela yokuyeka ukukhuluma izinto ezilimazayo komunye nomunye ukuze ubuhlobo buqhubeke. 

Nakhu okushiwo ngumsebenzisi we-Reddit ngakho, “Isoka lami lisho izinto ezibuhlungu futhi amazwi alo angithinta ngempela. Ngimcele ukuba aqaphele lokho akushoyo ngoba izinto eziningi azisho kimi ngenxa yentukuthelo zizohlala kimi futhi zingenze ngizizwe ngingavikelekile isikhathi eside kakhulu. Kulimaza kakhulu ukuzethemba kwami ​​​​nokuphepha kwami ​​​​kulobu budlelwano.

13. Umthelela empilweni yomzimba

Amazwi abuhlungu ebudlelwaneni angathinta impilo/inhlalakahle yomzimba. Futhi impilo yomzimba ingenye yezimpawu zomshado ojabulisayo nophilile.

Eminye yemiphumela emibi yamagama alimazayo ihlanganisa:

• Izifo ezihlobene nengcindezi kanye nokungenwa kalula kwezifo ngenxa yamasosha omzimba abuthakathaka
• Izinkinga zenhliziyo, njengomfutho wegazi ophakeme, isifo senhliziyo, kanye nengozi eyanda yokuhlaselwa yinhliziyo
• Ukucindezeleka kwamathumbu, njengokungagayeki kokudla kanye nezilonda
• Ikhanda elibuhlungu kanye ne-migraines
• Ukuphazamiseka kokulala
• Ukushintsha kwesisindo

Kungani sikhuluma izinto ezilimazayo kulabo esibathandayo? Kunzima ukuphendula umbuzo ngoba ziningi izizathu. Ukucasuka, ukukhaphela, nokuphelelwa inhlonipho ngezinye zakhona. Ezweni eliphelele, bobabili abalingani bazoba sekhasini elifanayo uma kuziwa empilweni yobudlelwano. Ngakho-ke, kubalulekile ukuthatha izinyathelo ezidingekayo ukuze uxazulule izingxabano ukuze ugweme ukuba nobudlelwano obuhlulekile ekuqhubekeni kwakho kothando. 

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14. Izinkinga zobudlelwano besikhathi eside

Uma umyeni wakho ekuzwisa ubuhlungu ngamazwi njalo, ukucabanga ngobuhlobo besikhathi eside kunzima. Kunjalo uma umkakho enguye owenza lokho. Ukuqongelela izehlakalo ezibuhlungu kuholela enzondweni, entukuthelweni, nasekuhlukaneni ngokomzwelo. Ngaphambi kokuthi uqaphele, ubunzima bobuhlobo benza isehlukaniso sibe yindlela ekhangayo kakhulu. Ubudlelwano buwumsebenzi onzima, futhi yilabo abazikhandlayo kuphela abachumayo. Kunzima, uma kungenzeki ukucabanga ngekusasa nomuntu okuphatha kabi.

15. Umaqondana wakho uyakulahla

Akunandaba ukuthi izinto ezishiwo ngentukuthelo ziyiqiniso noma cha. Kunomkhawulo ekukhuthazeleni kwawo wonke umuntu. Umlingani wakho angase angabonisi ukuthi ufuna ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni kodwa angase akubuke buthule. Lapho eqaphela ukuthi akasakwazi ukwamukela ukuziphatha kwakho okunobuthi , uzokulahla, okungase kuqale ngisho nangaphansi kwengubo 'yokuphefumula kancane.'

Indlela Yokudlula Amagama Abuhlungu Ebudlelwaneni

Ukweqa amazwi alimazayo kungaba nzima ngoba ngezinye izikhathi kusuke kungahlosiwe. Kodwa ikakhulukazi, ozakwethu bangena emjikelezweni ononya wokubiza ngamagama. Nakuba kuwumsebenzi onzima, kungenzeka ukwedlula amagama alimazayo ngalezi zindlela ezilandelayo:

• Vuma imizwa yobuhlungu komunye uhhafu wakho ngaphambi kokuthi uqale ukubhekana nayo
• Thola ukucaciseleka kokuthi kungani sisho izinto ezilimazayo kulabo esibathandayo, ukuze simise umjikelezo  
• Khulumisana ngempumelelo ngendlela ezolile neyakhayo
• Misa imingcele ecacile kulokho okwamukelekayo njengoku ukubiza ngamagama ebudlelwaneni 
• Beka kuqala ukuzinakekela ukuze ugweme umthelela omkhulu wamagama alimazayo
• Gxila ekuthetheleleni kodwa ungawamukeli amazwi abuhlungu
• Sebenzela ekwakheni kabusha ukwethembana kuyilapho ubhekana nezinkinga eziwumsuka eziholela emagameni ahlabayo
• Zijwayeze uzwela ukuze uqonde umbono wozakwethu olimazayo
• Thola ukwesekwa kochwepheshe kumelaphi ukuze uthole isiqondiso sokuthi ungaqala kanjani ukuxhumana okunempilo

Kungenzeka ukuyeka ukusho izinto ezibuhlungu kumuntu omthandayo. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDevaleena Ghosh (M.Res, eManchester University), ogxile ekwelulekeni kwemibhangqwana kanye nokwelashwa komndeni, uthi ukuxhumana kuyisihluthulelo sokubeka imithetho yokulwa okufanele phakathi kwemibhangqwana, kodwa kumele baxhumane ngempumelelo. Uthi, “Abalingani ababili bangahlala phansi ngesikhathi sokuthula futhi babeke imithetho ethile eyisisekelo ebudlelwaneni. Bangathembisana ukuthi ngeke babe ngabantu abangahlakaniphile ngokuphelele ngesikhathi sengxabano. Ingxoxo enjalo izobalungiselela ukulawula ingxabano, uma bengena kwenye noma uma bengena kwenye.”

Njengoba sonke singabantu nje kuphela, izithiyo nazo azinakugwenywa futhi ungase ungavumelani ngobuhlobo. Uma kuzwakala sengathi kuya ngokuya kuba kubi kakhulu futhi ungakwazi ukuthola indlela ecacile eya ekukhuleni, ochwepheshe nabeluleki beBonobology bangakusiza.

Noma nini lapho uzithola uzibuza ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani namazwi alimazayo ebuhlotsheni, khumbula lawa mazwi ahlakaniphile avela kumlingisi wodumo waseHollywood uJulia Roberts, “Ngifisa sengathi ngabe sengiyintombazanyana futhi, ngoba kulula ukulungisa amadolo anesikhumba kunenhliziyo ephukile.” Ngakho, ngokuzayo lapho ulingeka ukuba ujikijele umlingani wakho izinhlamba ezimbalwa, yenza umzamo oqotho wokuzibamba. Donsa umoya kakhulu, suka ekulweni uma udinga, bese uphinda uvakashela udaba lapho usupholile futhi ukwazi ukulawula imizwa yakho.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.