Yini okufanele uyenze lapho umyeni wakho ekubukela phansi? Akakufaki kunoma yiziphi izinqumo ezinkulu. Umhlaba wakho uzungeza kuye, kepha akawudingi neze umbono/iseluleko sakho kuye. Ungase ungakuqapheli kodwa lesi ngesinye sezibonelo zakudala zokungahloniphi ebudlelwaneni. Lezi izindlela ezincane lapho ngisho namadoda abonakala 'elungile' enza omkawo bazizwe bebancane. Ukuziphatha okunjalo okulahlayo ebudlelwaneni kungavusa isidingo esijulile sokuvunyelwa nokwazisa ekubukelweni kozakwethu, kuphenduke i-loop engapheli yokunganeliseki.
Manje njengoba usuyazi ngokuzibukela phansi ebudlelwaneni, isinyathelo esilandelayo ukuqonda ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze uma umyeni wakho ekugcona. Ukwazi impendulo yalokhu kubaluleke kakhulu uma ufuna umshado olinganayo, onezwi kuwo, futhi ohlonishwayo futhi waziswa ngalowo muntu onguye. Ngakho-ke ngaphandle kokuphinda kumiswe isikhashana, ake singene singene kukho.
Kuyini Ukuziphatha Okululaza Ebudlelwaneni?
Okuqukethwe
I-Belittling iwuhlobo lokukhuluma kanye ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo. Isenzo sokwenza abantu bazizwe bengelutho/bengafaneleki/bengafaneleki. Ngokwezwi nezwi, igama lingahlukaniswa kabili – 'yiba' kanye 'noncane'. Empeleni, kusho ukuthi ukhonjiswa ngobuqili indawo yakho futhi ihlezi isendaweni yesibili kuye.
A isifundo sesikhathi eside emibhangqwaneni engu-130 esanda kushada yathola ukuthi amadoda avumela omkawo ukuba bayithonye banemishado ejabulisayo futhi mancane amathuba okuba bahlukanise. Ucwaningo, olunikeza ukuqonda okujulile ekubukeni phansi abanye bengqondo, luphinde luveze:
- Amaphesenti angu-65 amadoda andisa ukungaboni ngaso linye phakathi nengxabano
- Amadoda athambekele kakhulu ekushayeni amatshe, kanti u-85% wabakhi bamatshe kwakungamadoda
- Uma amadoda engalamukeli ithonya lomlingani wawo, kunamathuba angama-81% okuthi umshado uzoziqhumisa.
Ngokuvamile lapho indoda ilulaza umkayo, ayithathwa ngokungathi sína, okungenani ekuqaleni, njengoba ingabonakali ihlukumeza ngokweqile. Kodwa ukudelelwa ekugcineni kungadala ukungezwani okukhulu phakathi kombhangqwana. Angase akubize lokhu ngokuthi 'akunangozi' kodwa nazi izibonelo zokululaza ebudlelwaneni ezingakushiya uzizwa, “Umyeni wami uyangidicilela phansi”, futhi kubangele ukuhlukumezeka okujulile emoyeni:
- Ukusebenzisa imishwana ye-gaslighting
- Ukuhlekisa ngawe esidlangalaleni
- Ukuthatha amandla akho
- Ukuphendukela kumazwana abhuqayo (esikhundleni sokulwa okukhulu/ukuhayiza/ukuklabalasa)
- Izitatimende ezikhuthazayo
- Ukungasekeli okwenzayo noma okushoyo
- Ekuqhathanisa nomama wakhe/abanye abantu besifazane abaseduze kwakho
- Ukukutshela ukuthi izinhloso zakho zomsebenzi azinangqondo futhi awunakho kuwe ukuthi uzifeze
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Yini Okufanele Uyenze Uma Ucabanga Umyeni Wakho Ukuzonda?
Kungani indoda ibukela phansi umkayo?
U-Andrea, umdwebi waseNew Jersey, uphukile ngokuphelele, ubekezelela ukugxekwa njalo ebuhlotsheni. Uthi, “Umyeni wami ungenza ngizizwe ngingelutho, ngenxa yokuthi indlela yami yokuphila iwubukhazikhazi kakhulu kuneyakhe, ungibiza ngokuthi “ukuphakama kwakho” ngokubhuqa.
Akakwazi ukungihlula endabeni yezimali, ngakho uyakujabulela ukungizwisa ubuhlungu ngokomzwelo. Umyeni wami akagcini nje ngokungiqondisa kodwa futhi ungigcona ngenxa yomqondo wami wemfashini futhi uyanginqamula kungazelelwe lapho ngixoxa nabanye abantu. Angiqondi ukuthi kungani umyeni wami engidumaza. Ingabe uthola ukukhahlelwa ngenxa yokululazeka kwami? Kungani ngiphatheka kabi ngokubeka umbono wami?”
Okuhlangenwe nakho kuka-Andrea kubonisa ukuthi noma kunjalo ukuhlala nendoda enganakile noma ozama ukufihla ukungavikeleki okuthile okuhlezi ekujuleni kwakhe. Kungase ngisho kube ukubonakaliswa kweqiniso lokuthi waxhashazwa esemncane, esikoleni, noma ekhaya umkhaya wakubo. Manje useveza ukuhlukumezeka okufanayo nakuye. Yilokho ukululaza abanye i-psychology okungena kuyo.
Uma esephile impilo yakhe yonke enomqondo wokugconwa, ubengazama ngakho konke ukuze angavumeli abanye babone lolo hlangothi lwakhe olukhathazayo, ngisho noma lokho kusho ukushiya umlingani wakhe ezizwa engabalulekile ebuhlotsheni. Noma angaba omunye umkhiqizo wobunzalamizi, othi:
- Akakwazi ukuvumela umlingani wakhe abe nesandla esiphezulu emshadweni
- Usongelwa ukuzimela kozakwethu, ukuzinza kwezezimali, nokucabanga kwamahhala
- Kufanele azibonakalise ukuthi unguzakwabo ophakeme, ngazo zonke izindlela
Ukubiza umfana ngokuziphatha kwakhe okubi kungaba impi ekhuphukayo. Ngakho-ke, umbuzo ophakamayo uthi: Yini ongayisho kumuntu okudelelayo? Okokuqala futhi okubaluleke kakhulu, qonda ukuthi akwamukelekile noma into okufanele ungayinaki. Bese uthatha izinyathelo zokukumisa. Nazi ezinye izindlela zokwenza lokho.
Okufanele Ukwenze Uma Umyeni Wakho Ekudelela
Kwesinye isikhathi ukuziphatha okuxekethile ebudlelwaneni kudluliselwa njengamahlaya nje. Ekuqaleni, ungase futhi ukuphathe njengehlaya futhi uhleke. Amakhosikazi amaningi avame ngisho nokuvuma izinto ezinjengokuthi “Umyeni wami uphawula eceleni” noma “Umyeni wami uyangiphoxa”, kodwa awenzi okuningi ngakho. Kubalulekile uku gcina ubudlelwano bakho buyimfihlo kodwa okubaluleke nakakhulu ukubeka imingcele evimbela ukuziphatha okunjalo okululazayo.
Uma uzama ukucacisa iphuzu futhi lihlale lishaywe eceleni, noma uma ugxekwa kakhulu ngokungasiqondi isimo futhi uqhamuke nesixazululo 'esiyisimungulu', ungalenzi iphutha, umlingani wakho ubonisa izimpawu zokuziphatha okuhle. Futhi uma imvamisa yamazwana anjalo ikhula, khona-ke ukuhlala emuva akusona isisombululo. Udinga ukuthatha izinyathelo ezithile ukuze uqinisekise indawo yakho ebudlelwaneni. Nakhu okufanele ukwenze mayelana nokuziphatha okuzithobayo ebudlelwaneni.
1. Ungawachithi amazwi akhe
Uyazibuza, yini okumele uyenze uma umyeni wakho ekululaza phambi kwabantu noma ngasese? Iseluleko esibaluleke kakhulu esikuphathele sona ukuthi ungalinge usivumele sishelele. Ngithembe, awuyena umuntu omkhulu lapha ngokuvumela la mazwi abuhlungu ashelele ngenkathi uzizwa udangele umyeni wakho nsuku zonke.
Kunalokho, ubeka impilo yakho yengqondo, ukuzithanda, kanye nezinga lokuzethemba elisengozini. Qaphela izibonelo zokungahloniphi ebudlelwaneni. Abantu besifazane bajwayele ukuqeqeshwa ukuthi bangakunaki ukuphawula okunenhlamba kanye nezinkulumo ezidelelayo eziza ngendlela yabo, kodwa sekuyisikhathi sokukushintsha lokho.
Uke wasizwa isisho esithi “Izinduku namatshe angaphula amathambo ami kodwa amagama ashiya izibazi ezingokwengqondo”? Yebo, amazwi abuhlungu ngaphezu kwezenzo ngezinye izikhathi. Ngakho-ke naka lokho okushiwo umngane wakho nendlela asabela ngayo kulokho okushoyo kuye. Nazi izibonelo eziyinhloko zamazwana alulazayo:
- “Umkami akazi lutho, ngimqeqeshele ukupheka”
- “Uyehluleka ngaso sonke isikhathi. Kungani uzama okuthile okusha?”
- “Le ngubo ingabukeka iyinhle kuwe kuphela uma ubunciphile”
Ngokuvamile, oshade naye angase acabange ukuthi ubonisa umusa kuwe lapho wenza ukuvikela ngokweqile noma ayikuvumeli ukuthi wenze izinqumo. Eqinisweni, unqamula amaphiko akho ngoba akanalo ukholo emandleni akho. Iqhawe eliyinkimbinkimbi ebudlelwaneni lisekelwe ekucabangeni ukuthi udinga 'ukusindiswa'. Kubonakala kumazwana akhe ngasese noma esidlangalaleni, ngakho-ke mtshele ukuthi la mazwi ahlupha kanjani nokuthi udinga ukuyeka.
2. Ungakubekezeleli
Uma kunephethini emazwini omyeni wakho, yisikhathi sokuthatha isinyathelo. U-Nick Keomahayong, umsunguli we-True Nature Counselling Center, CA, kanye nomsingathi wesiteshi se-YouTube, Ingxoxo Yangempela noNick, ubuza umbuzo olula kwenye yama-video akhe, “Kungani ukubekezelela?”
Uma uke wazibuza ukuthi kungani othile ekululaza, naphezu kokuthi wenza konke ukuze umjabulise, yazi lokhu: Kungenxa yokuthi uyamvumela. Ngezinye izikhathi esikhundleni sokubalisa, “Umyeni wami ungenza ngizizwe ngingento yalutho,” zitshele, “Ngeke ngivumele umyeni wami nanoma ubani omunye ukuba alulaze lokho engikufezile.”
Izinto ezilula, ezinamandla ezishiwo ngesikhathi esifanele zingaqeda ukuziphatha okuxoshayo ebudlelwaneni. Uma esebenzisa amagama anenhliziyo embi, ungakwazi ukuhlehlisa emuva ngempendulo ezolile, njengokuthi:
- “Angithandi kukhulunywe kanjena”
- “Ungakhulumi nami ngalendlela”
- “Lawo mazwi azwakala engenaluthando kimina”
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ungabhekana Kanjani Nomlingani Okhanyisa Kagesi?
3. Sebenzela ukuzethemba kwakho
Esikhundleni sokuchitha sonke isikhathi sakho uzibuza, "Kungani umyeni wami engiwisa?", phuma, uziphazamise, futhi uqale ukusebenzela ukuzethemba kwakho esikhundleni. Njengoba ubungaqonda manje, ukuzethemba/ukuzethemba kuyisizathu esiyinhloko umuntu angakwazi ukubalekela kuso. ekhuluma izinto ezilimazayo kuwe.
Ngokwesibonelo, uma unovalo ngomsebenzi othile osunesikhathi eside uwenza, esikhundleni sokukunikeza ugqozi, umyeni wakho angase athi, “Awunakho okudingekayo ukuze lokhu kuphumelele. Uqinisekile ukuthi ufuna ukuqhubeka nalokhu?” Ngokusobala ingesinye sezibonelo zokululaza ebudlelwaneni. Noma angase aveze okwedlule ebuhlotsheni bakho ukuze akugcone futhi akwenze uzizwe kabi kakhulu.
Nakhu okufanele ukwenze lapho umyeni wakho ekululaza: Ungabophi ukufaneleka kwakho nokuqinisekiswa okuvela kuye. Ukuqeda ukuziphatha okuklolodayo/okungenampilo kwesinye isikhathi kungaqala ngokuba nomgogodla, noma ngabe kukwenza uzizwe ungakhululekile. Buyisa i-mojo yakho ngokuthi:
- Ukufuna usizo lochwepheshe ukuze wakhe kabusha ukuzethemba kwakho
- Ukwenza ijenali ukuze uthole ukucaca okwengeziwe ngemicabango nemizwa yakho
- Ukusebenza ngokuqaphela ukuze uzakhe ngokwenza imikhuba efana nokuziqinisekisa okulungile
4. Yini okumele uyenze uma umyeni wakho ekubukela phansi? Beka imingcele
“Umyeni wami ukhuluma izinto ezimbi, abese ethi uyadlala. Mhlawumbe ngoba kade ephunyula. Manje yisikhathi sokuyishintsha futhi lolo shintsho luqala ngokubeka imingcele ebuhlotsheni. Imingcele ibalulekile ukuthuthukisa inhlonipho ebudlelwaneni. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo u-Keomahayong weluleka ngokususa ukugxila kumyeni wakho uye kuwena. "Esikhundleni sokukhathazeka ngokuziphatha kwabo, gxila kuwena kuphela. Ungahlala ebudlelwaneni futhi ubhekane nomuntu noma unganqaba uvele uhambe," usho kanje.
Ngakho-ke, chaza ngokucacile ukuthi yikuphi ukuziphatha okwamukelekayo nokungamukeleki. Isibonelo, ukugxeka okwakhayo kuyamukeleka kodwa ukuhlukumeza ngamazwi akwamukelekile. Nakhu ongakusho kumuntu okubukela phansi:
- “Ngiphathe ngenhlonipho eyisisekelo”
- “AWUHLEKISI, ulimaza imizwa yami”
- “Lokho bekungezansi kwebhande. Ungaphinde uye lapho”
5. Zihlukanise nombono wakhe
Yini okufanele uyenze lapho umyeni wakho ekululaza phambi kwabantu noma ngasese noma kokubili? Enye indlela yokubhekana nakho ukufunda ukungakunaki okwakho indoda elawulayo, ekhohlisayo futhi uhlukane nombono wakhe. Ngokuhlala udelile, uthatha amandla akhe okukubukela phansi.
Kunzima, siyavuma, kodwa uma usuyiqonda i-psychology engemuva kwakho, ungathambekela ekuzameni lokhu. Uma othile ehlekisa izwi lakho noma ecupha okunye ukungavikeleki, yingoba uzizwa engafaneleki ebudlelwaneni bakhe siqu:
- Bafuna ukuziphakamisa futhi bazizwe befaneleka kakhulu kunabo bonke abanye ababazungezile
- Isizathu esenza ukuthi benze lokho ingoba bazizwa kabi/bancane ngaphakathi
- Ukuze bafihle ukuntula kwabo siqu, badinga ukukubeka phansi futhi bakwenze uzizwe ungalondekile
USandra, oneminyaka engu-35, ongumnikazi wekhaya, uthi: “Ekuqaleni, nganginobunzima bokubhekana nomngane womshado ongidelelayo. ukuze zelashwe izithandani.”
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izimpawu Eziyi-15 Zokunganakwa Kwemizwa Emshadweni
6. Hlala ulawula
Uma umuntu ephinda lokho okushoyo ukuze akugcone, khumbula ukungamvumeli akudonsele emhlabeni wakhe omubi. Lawula ukulandisa futhi ucabange ngempendulo ezolile. Kungenzeka ukuthi uzama ukukucasula, ngakho-ke gxila emizweni yakho ngaleso sikhathi. Awudingi ukudelela nokuthuka abanye ngoba nje bekwenza kuwe. Kwesinye isikhathi, ukuthulisa inazo izinzuzo zayo.
Umeluleki Ridhi Golechha uthi, “Ukuze uhlale ulawula, beka kuqala ukuba nesikhathi uwedwa nenethiwekhi yakho esekelayo, abangane nomndeni. Ngesexwayiso sokuthi umyeni wakho angase angakuthandi lapho uchitha isikhathi nabangane, uyanezela, “Ukuzihlukanisa kungaba uhlobo oluthile lokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo futhi kubalulekile ukuba ube nesimiso esiqinile sokusekela ekuphileni kwakho.”
7. Ungcono wena
Imiphumela yokubhuqa ebudlelwaneni ingaba buhlungu kodwa akulona iphutha lakho. Lapho uba matasa uzama ukuba inguqulo engcono kakhulu yakho, ngeke ngempela ube nesikhathi uthinteke imizamo umlingani wakho. Yeka ukucabanga ngaye futhi uqale ukuzicabangela wena:
- Zibekele izinhloso zakho, ube nombono wakho
- Awudingi ngempela umyeni wakho ukuthi akutshele ukuthi ufanelekile noma cha
- Awudingi ukuqhathaniswa nanoma ubani omaziyo noma ongamazi
Uma ukubukela phansi ukuphawula nokuziphatha kuba yinto engaguquki futhi kungenakwenzeka ukuziba, cabanga isikhathi eside futhi kanzima uma kunjalo kuwufanele ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni. Kubalulekile ukubeka phambili ukuzinakekela futhi uthole usizo oludingayo ukuze ucubungule amanxeba angokomzwelo okuba kulo mshado. Uma uhlola umbono wokufuna usizo lochwepheshe, yazi ukuthi abeluleki abanekhono nabanolwazi bavuliwe Iphaneli yeBonobology zilapha kuwe.
8. Yamukela ubuhlungu futhi ukhulume ngakho
Ngezinye izikhathi, ukwenza sengathi ukuhlukumeza ngamazwi/ukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo akukuthinti kungaba yize. Ungaziqambi amanga ukuze ugweme ubuhlungu bakho konke. Empeleni kungcono ukwamukela ubuhlungu ezikuzwisa bona. Uma nje ucindezela iqiniso lokuthi ukhathazwa impatho enjalo, izokwenza ube nenzondo enganakile kubo.
Nansi indlela yokusebenzelana nomuntu okufanele ahlale elungile:
- Tshela umyeni wakho othanda ukuphelela ukuthi akekho ophelele, kuhlanganise naye
- Ijenali, zindla nokuzivocavoca ukuze ukhulise ukubaluleka kwakho
- Shintsha isihloko lapho uzwa ukuthi ingxoxo iya ohlangothini olubi
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Esinye sezibonelo zakudala zamazwana alulazayo ukuthuka noma ukubeka phansi okubhalwe 'njengamahlaya' kodwa akunjalo.
- Lapho indoda ilulaza umkayo, imenza azizwe engafaneleki
- Ukuze ubhekane nesimo, yiba nenkulumo yenhliziyo nenhliziyo ekwelashweni kwabashadile
- Ezinye izinto ongazenza ukubhekana nokubeka imingcele
Ukuziphatha kabi kuvame kakhulu emsebenzini phakathi kozakwethu noma abaphathi. Kodwa ebuhlotsheni, kunzima kakhulu ukuxoxisana. Ngezinye izikhathi, lokhu kuyiqiniso kangangokuthi uhluleka ukuqaphela ukuthi umlingani wakho ukwenza uzizwe uphansi. Ngaphezu kokuntuleka kothando, kungase kube uphawu lwelungelo nemizwa ecashile yokungafaneleki ekhuthaza ukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo. Zimbili izihluthulelo zokusingatha lokhu - ukuzithuthukisa noma ukuzikhohlisa. Ngemva kwalokho, ukukhetha kungokwakho.
Le ndatshana ibuyekezwe ngoJuni 2023.
Izinto Eziyi-12 Okufanele Uzenze Uma Umyeni Engenalo Uthando Noma Engathandi
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Izindlela Eziyi-11 Owesifazane We-Sagittarius Azenza Lapho Esothandweni
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
