7 Amathiphu Ochwepheshe Ukuxazulula Izingxabano Emshadweni

Uma uthi “ngiyakwenza,” unethemba lokuthi ‘ngenjabulo kuze kube phakade’ obuphuphile manje kuzofezeka. Nokho, izimpi ezimbi zigcina zigingqika. Futhi uyabona ukuthi ukwabelana ngophahla nomuntu osanda kulwa naye kungakuhlanyisa. Yilapho-ke ukuqonda indlela yokuxazulula izingxabano emshadweni kuba yinto eza kuqala.

Izimbangela zokungqubuzana emshadweni zithonywa indlela umbhangqwana ngamunye osebenza ngayo. Into eyodwa ehlala ijwayelekile ukuthi zonke izithandani ziyalwa - ngisho nabangane bakho abanyanyekayo abahlale besho okuhlukile (sikuwe, Marty noLinda). Empeleni singaze sithi ukuxabana emshadweni kuyaphilisa, inqobo nje uma nazi ubuciko bokuzwana nokuxazulula izingxabano emshadweni.

Ngesikhathi sokulwa okunjalo, uthola ukwazi ukuthi yini ephula isivumelwano nokuthi yini engekho, nokuthi umlingani wakho uzonda kangakanani izicathulo egumbini lokuphumula. Ngosizo lwesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uJaseena Backer (MS Psychology), onguchwepheshe kwezobulili nokuphathwa kobudlelwano, ake siqonde ukuthi ningabhekana kanjani nezingxabano emshadweni futhi nizizwe nisondelene kakhulu.

Izimbangela Ezivamile Zokungqubuzana Emshadweni

Njengoba sesishilo, izimbangela zokungqubuzana emshadweni zingahluka njengezithandani ngokwazo. UFarrell uzonda ukuthi uJolene akalokothi azigeze kanjani izitsha zakhe noma abeke izingubo zakhe ezingcolile kubhasikidi elondolo. U-Mariah uzonda indlela u-Janice ahlala efuna ngayo ukwehlisa ukudla kwakhe, engaziniki ngisho nesikhathi sokuhlafuna. 

Nokho, okuholela ezinkingeni yilapho uFarrell noMariah bobabili bevumela imizwa yabo ilawule futhi baphendule ukulwa okungalawuleki ngokuphelele kube yizigameko ezimbi. Bayalwa kabi, futhi amazwi angcolile aletha izinkinga eziningi kunalokho ababekuhlosile. Ngokuvamile kungabonisa ukuntuleka kwenhlonipho ebudlelwaneni , futhi yingakho ukwazi ukuxazulula izinkinga emshadweni kubalulekile.

Kodwa-ke, ngaphambi kokuthi sifinyelele kulokho futhi siqonde ukuthi abashadile bangazinciphisa kanjani izingxabano zomshado, kubalulekile ukuthi sibheke izimbangela ezivame kakhulu zokuklabalasa nokubiza amagama: 

• Okulindelwe okungakafinyelelwa: Njengoba nizothola maduzane, ukuqonda indlela yokuxazulula ukungqubuzana emshadweni kugxile kakhulu ekuvezeni lokho okulindele nokusebenza eduze nakho. Ngokuxhumana kuphela lapho izinkinga ezinjengalezi zingaxazululwa
• Izinkinga zemali: Uma usushadile, izimali zisuka ekubeni umcabango zibe into enquma impilo yobuhlobo benu. “Uma kungekho ukuphumela obala ngokuthi uzobhekana kanjani nezezimali nokuthi luyini uhlelo lwakho lokusebenza, ngokuvamile kuholela ekungaqondini nasekungakhulumisani kahle,” kusho. Jaseena. Ngokusho a cwaningo, ubunzima bezimali bungesinye sezizathu eziyinhloko zesehlukaniso
• Ukungahambisani ngaphansi kwamashidi: Iswela ukuhambisana ngokocansi ngokuvamile kungaba isizathu sokungqubuzana komshado. Akumangazi lokho ngokocwaningo, izidingo ezingafezeki nokunganeliseki ngokobulili ngokuvamile kuyimbangela yokungathembeki futhi. Ngakho-ke kuyacaca ukubona ukuthi inkulu kangakanani inkinga le. Indlela yokuxazulula izingxabano emshadweni igxile ekuqondeni kahle ukuthi ukungezwani kulele kuphi, ngakho kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi yini eningaxhumani nayo.
• Izingxabano zabazali: Yinto abantu abangazi ngomunye kuze kube sebengabazali kwazise akekho umuntu obuza umaqondana wakhe ukuthi banjani njengomzali (okuyiqiniso ukuthi yingoba iningi alizazi). “Ngiye ngabona ukuthi ukungavumelani ngendlela oyidinga ngayo umzali wengane yakho kungenye yezimbangela ezinkulu zokungezwani emshadweni,” kuphawula uJaseena.
• Ukuntuleka kokuxhumana okunempilo: Siyakuthola, ukuqonda indlela yokuxazulula izingxabano emshadweni akuyona into elula kakhulu emhlabeni. Nokho, ukushanela ingxabano eshubile ngaphansi kwengubo. Kulingeka kakhulu ukudedela okuthile kunokukhuluma ngakho, okungaholela ekukhulumisaneni okungaphumeleli emishadweni eminingi.

Lezi ezimbalwa zezimbangela ezivame kakhulu zokungqubuzana emshadweni, futhi bekungeke kube lula ukucabanga ukuthi uke walwa ngento ebalwe ngenhla nomlingani wakho. Kodwa indlela yokuxazulula ukungaboni ngaso linye emshadweni/ebudlelwaneni imayelana nokuqonda indlela yokuxazulula izingxabano phakathi kwendoda nomfazi, noma phakathi kwabalingani. Ake sibheke amanye amathiphu.

7 Amathiphu Ochwepheshe Ukuxazulula Izingxabano Emshadweni

“Angazi ukuthi ngingazixazulula kanjani izingxabano emshadweni, futhi kuvame ukuholela ezingxabanweni ezincane eziphenduka ezimbi kakhulu,” kuphawula uMacy, enezela, “Salwa ngokuba sekwephuzile emcimbini, okwaholela engxabanweni yokuthi ngingumuntu onjani nokuthi wayengenakubhekana kanjani nawo. Sichitha ubusuku sihlukene ngoba nje asikwazi ukuxazulula lezi zingxabano ezivuthayo ezivelayo. Konke kuba yinkinga enkulu, futhi sigcina sesixabanisa .”

Uma ungaqiniseki ngezinyathelo zokuxazulula ukungqubuzana phakathi kwendoda nomfazi, noma phakathi kozakwethu, ngokuvamile kuholela ekuxhumaneni kwe-janky. Lokho-ke kwenza kube nokungezwani okwengeziwe. U-Jaseena uveza amathiphu angu-7 okuthi ungazixazulula kanjani izinkinga nomngane wakho womshado, ukuze ungagcini ngokuthola ithikithi lokuya kuphela kusofa:

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1. Yisho lokho okulindele futhi ulalele ezabo ukuze ugweme ukungqubuzana

Lapho ebuzwa indlela yokuxazulula izinkinga zomshado, uJaseena washesha ukuphendula ngokuthi, “Ukusho lokho okulindele kuyisinyathelo sokuqala. Qiniseka ukuthi uveza lokho okufunayo kumngane wakho womshado, futhi umenza azizwe ezwiwa lapho ekutshela lokho akudingayo. Ukusuka lapho, ungaqala ukuthola izinto enivumelana ngazo.

“Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ulwa ngesitayela sokukhulisa izingane noma ngezezimali, into ebaluleke kakhulu okufanele uyenze ukusho ukuthi ulindeleni kumlingani wakho, futhi umenze aqonde ukuthi nawe uyaqaphela ukuthi ulindeleni. Khuluma ngezinto ezifana nokuthi ubani ozofaka isandla kulokho, ukuthi ulindeleni ukuphatha kanjani izimali, noma ukuthi ubani odlala indima yalokho njengabazali. Ngokuxoxa ngalokho okulindelwe ebudlelwaneni , uyaqiniseka ukuthi akukho lutho olushiyelwa ngengozi.” UJaseena unezela lawa macebiso alandelayo:

• Iba nengxoxo enempilo: Yenza ukuxhumana kube amandla akho amakhulu kulobu budlelwano uma uzimisele ngokufunda ukuthi abashadile banganciphisa kanjani izingxabano zomshado
• Ungacabangi nje ngezintshisekelo zakho siqu: Nakuba kudingekile ukuthi ubeke lokho okulindele, kulawule ngendlela yokwamukela omunye umuntu. Cabanga ngezidingo zakho, nokuthi zingena kanjani ohlelweni olukhulu lwezinto nokuthi umlingani wakho angakwazi ukukuhlinzeka ngalezo noma cha
• Zinake ngokugcwele futhi: Ukuqonda omunye nomunye kuyisihluthulelo, ngakho-ke kuzodingeka futhi ulalele izimfuno zomlingani wakho. Ungasheshi ukubahlulela noma ubaxoshe uma ufuna ukwazi ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nezingxabano emshadweni. Zinike isikhathi sokuqonda ukuthi yini abayicela kuwe

Mhlawumbe okubaluleke kakhulu ngale ndlela yokuxazulula inkinga nowakwakho ukuthi uyaqinisekisa ukuthi awuguquli yonke into ibe yimbi nokuthi ukunganaki akuyona impendulo yakho. 

2. Indlela yokuxhumana ngendlela efanele 

U-Jaseena uchaza indlela okufanele ubhekane ngayo nokukhulumisana kuyilapho uqonda indlela yokuxazulula ukungezwani phakathi kwendoda nomfazi, noma phakathi kwabalingani. “Yiba nomqondo ovulekile.Uma ukhuluma ngezinto ezinjengokungahambelani nocansi, ungangeni kukho usunomqondo osuvele unawo. Zama ukulalela nombono womuntu othandana naye.” Wengeza okulandelayo:

• Hlala ubhaliwe: Esikhundleni sokuvula umnyango ngesivinini futhi amemeze, "Ungenza kanjani lokho kimi?" thatha isikhashana ukhulume nabo ngomoya ophansi. Ngaphandle kwalokho, ubungenza izinto zibe zimbi nakakhulu. Qonda ukuthi ukuklabalasa nokujikijela izinsolo noma ukuhlukumeza ngeke kusize noma ubani ukuze ugweme ukuziphatha okunjalo.
• Ungabavumeli bangakuhloniphi: Uma bedelela, ungazizwa ukhungathekile futhi ubavumele. Zama ukubonisana nabo ngomoya ophansi futhi ubenze babe ngcono
• Awunayo ithoni yokusola: Noma ngabe kuyinto ekuhluphayo ngempela, zama ukungamsoli umuntu wakho bese umkhomba ngeminwe noma ugcine ukugxeka. Xoxani ngokungqubuzana okukhona, futhi nizimisele ukubuka isithombe esikhulu esikhundleni sesigameko esingazodwa

Lapho ubheka indlela yokuxazulula izinkinga emshadweni, enye yezinto ezinkulu okufanele uzikhumbule ukuthi ukukhulumisana okuphumelelayo kwenzeka kuphela lapho ungathethisi noma ungasho amazwi abhuqayo. 

3. Ukuxazulula ukungqubuzana emshadweni, kufanele uzibophezele 

Uma ukhathalela kakhulu ukuba olungile, uthi ukhathalela kakhulu ukuwina. Ugcina ikhadi lamaphuzu, futhi ukhathalela kakhulu umlingani wakho exolisa ukuze akwenze uzizwe uqinisekisiwe. Ngenxa yalokho, uzobona inzondo eyengeziwe emshadweni wakho.

• Inhloso yakho ukubuyisana: Esikhundleni sokwenza umbono wakho kube ukuphela kwengxabano, zama ukusebenzela ukubuyisana esikhundleni sokuthi okabani umuntu ohlonishwayo futhi ongeyena.
• Batshele ukuthi nisohlangothini olufanayo: Uma umlingani wakho ezizwa esongelwa amazwi nokuziphatha kwakho, kufanele umqinisekise ukuthi unezinhloso ezinhle. Ukuthi nina nobabili nizama ukusebenzela umgomo ofanayo futhi ninenjongo eyodwa, okuwukujabula ndawonye
• Yiba nomqondo ovulekile: Uma umlingani wakho eveza amaphutha akho, ungakwenzi ngendlela ozizwa ngayo. Kunalokho, zama ukucabanga ukuthi yini ebenza bazizwe kanjalo futhi ubone ukuthi kukhona yini ukufaneleka kulokho omunye umlingani akusho kuwe.

UJaseena uthi: “Enqubeni yokuqonda indlela yokuxazulula izinkinga emshadweni, kubalulekile ukufunda nokubhekana namaphutha akho. 

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4. I-stonewalling idinga ukugwenywa ngazo zonke izindlela

Nakuba kulinga ukuklabalasa, “Awukaze ungilalele. Konke okwenzayo ukubheka umbono wakho ngaso sonke isikhathi” bese uphumela ngaphandle, kuzoholela kwezinye izingxabano nezinkinga ezansi komugqa. Futhi, ungasebenzisi amagama athi “njalo” kanye “nongalokothi.” Kufanele ukhulume ngesigameko esenzekayo, hhayi umbono ojwayelekile womuntu. 

• Thatha isikhala, kodwa hhayi isikhathi eside kakhulu: Uma sibuyela endabeni yokuthi kuxazululwa kanjani izingxabano phakathi kwendoda nomfazi, noma phakathi kwabantu abathandanayo, yazi ukuthi ukugwema konke ukukhulumisana ngoba ucasukile ngeke kuphumelele. Ngokuyisisekelo kufana nokulindela ukuthi bazi zonke izinto ezifanele abangazisho, okuzoholela ezidingweni ezingafezeki ezengeziwe.
• Ungangenisi izinkinga ezingahlobene futhi sulk: Or yonke ingxoxo izophenduka ingxabano. Zonke izinto ezincane ozibeke eceleni ekuqaleni zingase zikhule futhi zenze isimo sibe sibi kakhulu. Zama ukugwema ukuletha noma yikuphi ukungezwani, bese uzama ukugxila endabeni eyodwa ngaleso sikhathi
• Yiba nolimi lomzimba olunempilo: Noma ngabe nobabili ningakhulumi, ningahambi nibhodloza iminyango noma niphume ekamelweni abangena kulo. Ungabenzeli ubuso obuthukuthele uma bezama ukukhuluma nawe

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ubheka izindlela zeBhayibheli zokuxazulula izingxabano emshadweni noma ulandela lokho umngane wakho akutshele kona ngolunye usuku, kuyacaca ukubona ukuthi kudingeka kube nokukhulumisana ukuze kuhlakulele noma yikuphi ukubuyisana. UJesu Kristu noma umngane wakho omkhulu akakwazi ukukusiza ngaso sonke isikhathi. Udinga ukuzisiza nawe.

5. Indlela yokuxazulula ukungezwani emshadweni? Ukuyekethisa 

Uma ungena futhi ungayeki indlela ethi “indlela yami noma umgwaqo omkhulu”, uzobhekana nobunzima. Zimisele ukukhuluma ngalokho okusebenzela nina nobabili kodwa qiniseka ukuthi intukuthelo yakho ayikwenzi ufune izinto ezingenakwenzeka. Ngenkathi uzama ukuthola indlela yokuxazulula izinkinga emshadweni, ukufaka uzwela endleleni yakho kuzosiza kakhulu. Beka imingcele emisha ebudlelwaneni bakho, khuluma ngelungiselelo elinizuzisa nobabili, noma uqhamuke nesimiso esibekezelelekayo.

• Kungase kudingeke ushintshe izindlela zakho: Emshadweni, nina nobabili nizama ukuwenza usebenze isikhathi eside. Lesi ngesinye sezinkombandlela zokuxazulula izingxabano emshadweni ezizonithatha ibanga elide. Ungavumeli izinkinga zakho siqu zichithekele ebudlelwaneni bakho. Kufanele uzame ukuqhubeka nokushintsha futhi ube uzakwethu ongcono walowo omthandayo
• Ungalahlekelwa ubuntu bakho: Kunomugqa omuhle phakathi kokwenza ukuvumelana ukuze wenze othile ajabule futhi ulahlekelwe ubuntu bakho. Qiniseka ukuthi uyakunaka lokho umlingani wakho akucelayo kuwe, kodwa akudingeki ukuthi uhlale uhambisa izintaba uma kuthinta uhlelo lwakho lwenkolelo eyinhloko.
• Hlola imikhawulo yakho: Uzomangala ukuthi kungakanani ongakushintsha kumuntu omthandayo, nokuthi kungaba ngcono kanjani ubudlelwano bakho. Bonisa umlingani wakho ukuthi unomqondo ofanayo mayelana nokufuna ukujabula ndawonye

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6. Bhekana nezimpikiswano futhi uziholele ezingxoxweni 

Ukubiza ngamagama, ukubhuqa, noma amazwi anokubhuqa kuzodala umonakalo ongapheli kuxhumo lwakho. Enye into okufanele uyigweme ukugxumela eziphethweni. Ngokwesibonelo, lapho umlingani wakho ethi, “Ngifisa sengathi singakhuluma ngendlela ebonisa ubuntu,” ungacabangi ukuthi ugxeka indlela okhuluma ngayo naye. Mhlawumbe bafisa nje ukuthi ngabe nobabili nehlise umoya futhi nihlanganyele ekuxazululeni ukungqubuzana okunempilo.

• Thola umsuka wembangela: “Esinye sezinyathelo zokuqala ekuxazululeni ukungqubuzana phakathi kwendoda nomfazi ukuthola umnyombo wenkinga, hhayi ukusolana ngendlela evamile, xoxani ngaphandle kokucasula.Iphuzu eliphelele liwukuba nibuyisane, hhayi ukubangela izinkinga eziningi ngomuntu oshadile. ingxoxo yefulegi elibomvu,” kusho uJaseena
• Hlala ugxile engxabanweni yamanje: Uma uphatheke kabi ngendlela ongcolile ngayo, ungakhulumi ngokuthi abazange bachithe isikhathi nawe ngesonto eledlule. Leyo yingxoxo yesikhathi esihlukile. Njengamanje, usuvele unokunye ukungaboni ngaso linye

Uma nobabili nikubheka ngendlela efanele, nizofinyelela esiphethweni maduze nje. Ngisho noma ubungase ubheke izindlela zeBhayibheli zokuxazulula izinkinga emshadweni, cishe ngeke ucelwe ukuthi uthethise omunye umuntu, akunjalo? 

7. Khumbulani ukuthi niyakhathalelana 

Ngisho noma sikuhlinzeka ngamasu namathiphu ambalwa okuxazulula izingxabano ebudlelwaneni, ngeke asebenze ngaphandle kwaleli. Lapho senithethisana nobabili, nibizana ngamagama angemahle, futhi lapho amazwi abhuqayo engayeki ukungena, kulula ukucabanga ukuthi isithandwa sakho akasenandaba. Uma uqonda ukuthi ungazixazulula kanjani izinkinga emshadweni, uyaqonda ukuthi ukwenza umlingani wakho azizwe enakekelwa kuyinto ebaluleke kakhulu.

• Badinga ukwazi ukuthi uyabathanda: Kuphela uma sebekwazi ukuthi uyabakhathalela futhi bayakukhathalela lapho nobabili nize nizame ukudlulela ekubuyisaneni futhi ubuhlobo obunempilo, esikhundleni sokugxila ekutheni ubani “olungile.” Nobabili anizange nilwele ikusasa lobudlelwano benu uma ningacabangi ukuthi bukhona, akunjalo? Ungavumeli noma iluphi uhlobo lokuzidla okungenalutho lumoshe ubuhlobo bakho
• Thatha umoya: Phakathi nengxabano, cabanga ukumisa isikhashana noma ukucela isikhathi sokuvala. Bancome, ubonge ngokuthile abakwenze ngaphambili, noma uvele ubaqabule esiphongweni futhi ubabheke ngendlela enothando. Thola uhlobo oluthile lwesisekelo esivumelana ngaso

Ezikhathini ezishisayo, ukuqonda indlela yokuxazulula izinkinga emshadweni cishe kuyinto eminingi imibhangqwana engayicabangi. Nokho, ukuze uqinisekise inyunyana evumelanayo (funda: inyunyana ebekezeleleka), kufanele uzame ukuzigcina upholile ngenkathi ulwela ukubuyisana. Bakhombise ukuthi ninomqondo ofanayo ngalokhu futhi aniphikisani.

Uma izingxabano ezingapheli kanye nobutha kuphazamisa ubudlelwano bakho, iphaneli ye-Bonobology yabelaphi abanolwazi ingakusiza ufunde ubuciko bokuxazulula izingxabano, okuzothuthukisa umshado wakho ngempumelelo futhi kulawule izingxabano. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kulandela izinyathelo ezinhlanu noma eziyishumi nanhlanu, okubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi uzibophezele ekwenzeni lezi zinto zibe ngcono nomlingani wakho.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

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