Ukuba nenkosikazi noma umyeni othukayo kuyinto abantu abangavamile ukukhuluma ngayo. Mhlawumbe ngenxa yokuthi, uma kuqhathaniswa nobudlova obungokomzimba, ukuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi nangokomzwelo kufihlakele kakhulu futhi izibazi zabo zingabonakali kakhulu. Kodwa izibalo zikhombisa ukuthi zigcwele kakhulu ebudlelwaneni. Ku isifundo esisodwa, 48.8% yamadoda aseMelika (kanye nama-48.4% abesifazane) abike ukuhlukumezeka ngokwengqondo ngozakwethu abasondelene. Lokhu kwakuhlanganisa ulaka olucacile olufana nokubiza amagama, nokulawula okuphoqelelayo okufana namaqhinga okuzihlukanisa noma izinsongo zokulimala.
Lokhu kuvame 'ukubekezelelwa,' kwehliswe, noma kukhishwe njengokuziphatha 'okuvamile' ekungqubuzaneni. Futhi amadoda anqena ukubika ngazo, noma azibone ngalokho eziyiko. Nokho, umonakalo abawenzayo awukwazi ukwehliswa. Ngakho-ke, kungcono ukubona izimpawu kusenesikhathi futhi uthole ukulungiswa.
Sikhulume nomeluleki wezengqondo nomelaphi Neha Anand (MA, Counseling Psychology), umsunguli-umqondisi we-Bodhi Tree India kanye nomeluleki omkhulu ongumeluleki e-Bhimrao Ambedkar University Health Centre, ukuze bafunde ngezimpawu zomfazi ohlukumezayo ngamazwi kanye namathiphu amadoda ahlukunyeziwe okuthi aphendule kanjani futhi abhekane kanjani nesimo.
Yini Ebalwa Njengokuhlukumeza Ngamazwi?
Okuqukethwe
Ngokuvumelana ne I-Neha, ukuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi kuwuhlobo lokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo lapho othile esebenzisa amagama akhe ukuze:
- Demean
- Control
- Noma babuse umlingani wabo
“Ukuthukana ngamazwi kungase kube sobala (njengokuklabalasa, ukuthuka, ukugagula amagama, nokululaza) noma okucashile (njengokukhanyisa igesi, ukukhanda ngamatshe, enikeza ukuthula, ukugodla uthando, noma ukusebenzisa ezinye izindlela zokulawula). Ngezinye izikhathi, kungase kusongwe ngamahlaya anobuqili. Ngokungafani nokuxhashazwa ngokomzimba, akushiyi imihuzuko ebonakalayo noma amathambo aphukile, kodwa kungase kuhlukumeze ngokujulile futhi kuhlukumeze ngokufanayo.” Yingakho kubalwa njengokuhlukunyezwa kwasekhaya.
Futhi yini ebangela ukuziphatha okunjalo? "Abahlukumezi bavame ukuba nokungazethembi, okubenza babukele phansi noma bangabahloniphi abalingani babo ukuze basebenzise amandla phezu kwabo. Lapha, isifiso esiyinhloko siwukubusa noma ukubusa abanye," echaza.
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Ukuhlukumeza ngamazwi noma ngokomzwelo kuvame ukucashile kangangokuthi labo abathola usizo bazizwa bengqubuzana mayelana nokuthi kulinganisa ukuhlukunyezwa kwasekhaya noma cha. Akuvamile futhi ukuthi bazibuze ukuthi 'kubi ngokwanele yini' noma 'kubi ngokwanele' ukuthi babizwe noma bakhulunywe. Ungabona kanjani-ke ukuthi umkakho ukhuluma kabi noma ukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo? Okokuqala, cabanga ngendlela akwenza uzizwe ngayo.
Ingabe uzizwa wesaba ukwabelana naye noma yini noma ukuhamba ngamagobolondo amaqanda eduze kwakhe? Ingabe uzizwa uqaphile ngokweqile eduze kwakhe? Noma gwema ukuhlangana nabangane bakho naye? Ingabe kungenxa yokuthi wesaba lokho angase akusho kuwe ngasese noma phambi kwabanye? Uma impendulo yakho ithi 'yebo,' kungakuhle ukuthi uhlole lawa mafulegi abomvu:
Ukuze uthole imininingwane eyengeziwe esekelwe uchwepheshe, sicela ubhalisele yethu Isiteshi se-YouTube.
1. Umkakho uyakukhamisa
“Lapho umlingani oyedwa ephika amaqiniso futhi emhlula ngokwengqondo omunye ngokugwema umthwalo wemfanelo futhi ahlanekezele iqiniso, lokho kuyindlela enamandla yokukhohlisa engokwengqondo futhi ebonakala ngokuhlukumeza ngamazwi,” kuphawula uNeha.
Ngamanye amazwi, inkosikazi ekuthukayo ingasonta iqiniso lakho ngokumane ikutshele ukuthi kukhona okungelona iqiniso. Ithi, uveza into ebuhlungu umkakho ayishilo ngaphambili futhi yena:
- Iphika ngokuphelele
- Ingabe ukholelwa ukuthi uyicabange yonke le nto
- Uthi uyakhohlwa/uthanda kakhulu/ unomqondo obuthakathaka
Yazi-ke ukuthi lolu wuphawu lwegesi. A gaslighting umlingani bavame ukukhuluma ngokuzethemba nokuqiniseka kangangokuthi umlingani wabo ugcina ebakholelwa futhi engabaza inguqulo yabo yezenzakalo.
2. Inkosikazi ethuka izanya ingase igabe ngamagama
Kulula ukulahla ukubiza ngamagama angcolile njengokuwukuzilibazisa okungenangozi, okwengane kunokuba ithuluzi lokuhlukumeza ngamazwi. Kodwa amazwi anamandla amakhulu okulimaza, futhi uma eqeda ukuzethemba kwakho noma akwenze ungabaze ukufaneleka kwakho, khona-ke kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ashiwo kanjani, akhomba ukuhlukumeza. Nazi izibonelo:
- “Bengilokhu ngiwuqaphela umzimba wami,” kusho uPatrick. “Ngikhuluphele kancane futhi nginenkinga yokulahlekelwa amakhilogremu engeziwe.Kubuhlungu kakhulu lapho umkami engibiza ngokunganaki ngokuthi 'umyeni oyisidudla' noma esho izinto ezinjengokuthi, 'Yeka amakhekhe, namafutha.' Uyahleka uma esho, kodwa uyazi ukuthi kungenza ngizizwe ngiphansi”
- “Ngihola kancane kunomkami futhi uhlale edonsa amehlo ngakho,” kusho uBaker. “Njalo uma kuxabene ungibiza nge-freeloader noma ngo underling”
“Lapho umlingani oyedwa enza izinkulumo ezilimazayo, ezivusa inkanuko, ngokusobala noma ngokucashile, futhi uma lokhu kuba ukuvivinya umzimba okungaguquguquki, kwenza ubuhlobo obunobuthi futhi kuyisibonelo esiqinisekile sokuhlukumeza ngamazwi,” kusho uNeha.
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3. Unamahloni futhi uyakusola
“Owayengumkami wangenza ngikholelwe ukuthi uyena oyisisulu, hhayi mina,” kusho uGrant. "Noma yini eyayingahambi kahle - kusukela ekushayeni isicathulo kuya osukwini olubi emsebenzini - wayengikhiphela yona futhi angenze ngizizwe sengathi kuyiphutha lami. Kwakuyindlela yakhe yokungenza ngizizwe ngimncane ngaso sonke isikhathi."
“Abathukayo bayathanda icala-shift futhi babeke umthwalo wakho konke okungahambi kahle ebudlelwaneni (noma ezimpilweni zabo) emahlombe abalingani babo. Isisusa siwukwenza umlingani wabo azizwe enecala futhi abavalele emzuliswaneni omubi wokungazethembi nokuzidumaza,” kuchaza uNeha.
Kunzima ukugoqa ikhanda lakho ngokuthi uyahlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo noma ngamazwi uma ubanjwe yihlazo. Noma uma uhlezi wenziwa ukuthi ube nomuzwa wokuthi konke kuyiphutha lakho. Kunzima nakakhulu ukuthatha ukuma. Yilokho konke ukusola nokuhlazeka. Benza kube lula ngowesifazane noma owesilisa ohlukumezayo ukuthi alawule ngokuphelele umlingani wakhe.
4. Uma uthola izinsongo ezivela kuye, kuwuphawu ukuthi unonkosikazi othukayo
“Uma ungakwenzi lokhu, ngizokushiya!”, “Uma uhamba manje, bona ukuthi ngenzani enja yakho”, “Qhubeka uzenza kanje futhi ngizozilimaza/ngizilimaze izingane”, “Uma ngiphuma kuwe, awusoze wathola omunye umuntu.” Ingabe le migqa izwakala ijwayelekile? Ingabe umkakho uvame ukusebenzisa izinsongo ukuze akwesabise ukuthi uzithobe? Khona maningi amathuba okuthi unonkosikazi othukayo.
Ukunikeza izinsongo noma ama-ultimatums ebudlelwaneni kungaba yiphuzu eliphansi, noma ngabe kwenziwa ekushiseni kwesikhashana. Kungani? Ngoba kuhlale kukhona ukusikisela kodlame ekusangweni, ngisho noma kungekho ukwesatshiswa ngokomzimba. Yilokho okwenza kube yindlela ecashile yokushiya izibazi engqondweni yakho.
5. Uyakwehlulela futhi akugxeke kakhulu
UPaula uthi: “Umkami wayehlale engitshela ukuthi angikwazi ukugqoka, ukuthi anginamahlaya nokuthi ngabakhetha kabi abangane bami. “Kwafika isikhathi lapho ngaqala khona ukuzibuza ukuthi ngabe kukhona akuthandayo ngami, noma ubethanda ukuba nomuntu engigxekayo. uthando-inzondo ubuhlobo. "
Ukusebenzisa ukwahlulela ebuhlotsheni kuyinto eyodwa, kodwa ukwahlulela njalo nokugxeka ngaphandle kwesizathu esibonakalayo kungenye. Njengoba abahlukumezi bevame ukuba nokuzethemba, ukuphula abanye abantu kuyindlela abazakha ngayo. Ngokuqondene nabahlukunyezwayo, ukugxekwa njalo ngumuntu okufanele abe nomhlane futhi abasekele kuyiphilisi elibabayo okufanele uligwinye. Uma uhlala nenkosikazi noma nendoda ekuthukayo, maningi amathuba okuthi uphoqeleke ukuthi ukwenze njalo.
6. Umkakho okuhlukumezayo uyehlisa imizwa yakho
UNeha uthi: “Lapho umngane womshado echitha imicabango, imizwa, neqiniso lomunye, kuyindlela engaqondile yokumtshela ukuthi noma yini ayizwayo noma ayicabangayo ayilungile noma ayinamphumela.
Yazi ukuthi umkakho empeleni uphuca ilungelo lakho lokuzwa imizwa yakho uma ehlala ekutshela izinto ezifana nalezi:
- “Uzwela kakhulu/unegative”
- “Angicabangi ukuthi le nto ibucayi njengoba ubucabanga”
- “Uyenza into enkulu ngalento”
- “Awukwazi ukukhululeka futhi wenze ihlaya?”
- “Uyazi ukuthi unomkhuba wokwenza ihaba/ukushaya izinto ngendlela engafanele”
Ngokusebenzisa izitatimende ezinjengalezi, uphinde aqinisekise ukuthi awukho endaweni lapho ongamela khona lokho okuzwayo. Ukuhlukumeza ngazo zonke izindlela ekugcineni kuyindaba yokuba olawula uzakwethu ebuhlotsheni. Ukuchitha noma ukwehlisa imizwa yozakwethu ngokuphelele yindlela umhlukumezi oqinisekisa ngayo ukuthi uyaqhubeka nokubamba izintambo ebudlelwaneni.
7. Ubukela phansi wena kanye nezimpumelelo zakho
“Lapho umlingani oyedwa edelela ukubaluleka kokukhetha, iziphakamiso, noma izinqumo zomlingani wakhe, kudala indawo enobuthi lapho kungakhathaliseki ukuthi yini oyifunayo noma oyizuzayo, umlingani wakho ebukela phansi,” kuchaza uNeha.
Ukunciphisa kungaqala kancane. Mhlawumbe uzama iresiphi entsha futhi uthande ukuthi kwenzeke kanjani. Kodwa uyahwaqabala bese ethi, “Ngifisa ngempela ukuthi ubungeke ulinge ukudla.” Noma “Ngicabanga ukuthi kuzodingeka si-ode.” Futhi ingakhula kusukela lapho. Awusho, usanda kukhushulelwa esikhundleni emsebenzini futhi udiniwe. Kodwa uma umtshela ngakho, ubonakala engajabule kangako. Noma athi, “Lokho bekufanele kwenzeke eminyakeni emibili edlule.”
Nakuba ukuklabalasa nokuqamba amagama kuyizindlela eziqondile zokuhlukumeza ngamazwi, lokhu kwehlisa okucashile kozakwethu kungakhathaliseki ukuthi bathini noma benzani kungaba yingozi ngokufanayo. Ngokwawo, amazwi angase angabonakali ebuhlungu kangako. Kodwa-ke, umyalezo wabo oyisisekelo - wokuthi awulungile futhi awusoze waba - kusobala ukuthi kunjalo. Futhi yakhelwe ukuthi ikwenze uzizwe ungaphansi kwalokho oyikho.
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Izifundo baye babonisa ukuthi ukuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi noma ngokomzwelo kuvame ukukhuphuka uma uhlala isikhathi eside ebudlelwaneni. Njenganoma yiluphi olunye uhlobo lokuhlukumeza, kungalimaza kakhulu impilo yakho yengqondo. U-Neha uthi: “Ukuthukana ngamazwi kuqeda amandla futhi kuyalimaza.
Ekuqaleni, kungase kube nzima ukukuvuma ukuxhashazwa ngoba kungase kuhlanganiswe nezikhathi zokuzola okulinganiselwe ngisho nezothando. Kodwa-ke, uma ucabanga ukuthi uhlukumezekile noma ubona izimpawu eziningi, themba amathumbu akho bese ucabanga ngezinyathelo ezilandelayo. Nawa amanye amathiphu okuthi ungaphendula kanjani kunkosikazi othukayo:
1. Yakha ukuzethemba kwakho
Uma bona kanye abantu esincike kubo futhi sabelana nabo ngobungozi bethu benquma ukusibhidliza, kungaba nzima ukukuthatha. Kungase futhi kuthathe isikhathi eside ukululama kusukela. Yini-ke ongayenza lapho othile elokhu ezama ukukushaya ngamazwi akhe? Sebenzela ukuzakha. Zikhumbuze njalo ukuthi amazwi abo awanamandla kunalokho oyikho.
Ekupheleni kosuku, impilo yakho ingeyakho, futhi ukuqinisekiswa okuqine kakhulu kwakho kufanele kuvele ngaphakathi. “Hlala uzikhumbuze ukuthi unelungelo elisemthethweni lokuphathwa kahle inhlonipho ebudlelwaneni. Ungalahli ithemba!” Kusho uNeha.
2. Ziqinise kunkosikazi wakho okuhlukumezayo
Pho uphendula kanjani kunkosikazi othukayo? Nawa amanye amathiphu:
- Zimele, kodwa ungalwi nokuhlukumeza ngokuhlukumeza
- Kwesinye isikhathi, ukuvele uthule nje ngokuzethemba nangesithunzi kwanele
- "Ukugomela kumayelana nokwenqaba ukubamba iqhaza engxabanweni engakhiqizi, nokuyinto abantu abaningi abathukayo abangena kuyo," kusho uNeha.
“Qiniseka ezenzweni zakho, yima uqine, futhi usho ukuthi ngeke ube yingxenye yeqembu ukungqubuzana kobudlelwano. Noma, umane nje ungasabeli lapho eza kuwe,” uyanezela.
Uma usuqala ukwenqaba ukunikeza umkakho amazwi noma isiphi isisindo, ukubambelela anakho empilweni yakho kuzoncipha. Uzoqala nokumbona njengoba eyikho – Umuntu ongazithembi, odinga usizo. Nomuntu ongasakwazi ukukulawula.
3. Khuluma futhi ubeke imingcele
Kungase kube nzima ukubhekana nenkosikazi ethukayo. Futhi kungase kubonakale kunzima ukukhuluma naye ngalokho obhekene nakho. Kodwa ungakubalekeli. “Kuhlale kunezithelo ukukhuluma ngemizwa yakho nomhlukumezi wakho.
Uma esebenzisa amazwi akhe ukuze akulimaze noma akulawule, mazise:
- “Uyangilimaza, futhi angikufanele lokho”
- “Ngicela ungangikhulumisi kanjalo, kungenza ngizizwe ngimncane”
Futhi uma ukuhlukumeza kuqhubeka, zama ukubeka imingcele ngokuthi:
- “Ngeke ngikwazi ukuqhubeka nale ngxoxo uma niqhubeka nokungibiza ngamagama”
- "Ngeke ngibe nale ngxoxo uze uyeke ukungithethisa/ukungithuka"
Uma usuyibekile imingcele, qiniseka ukuthi unamathela kuyo futhi ulandele nemiphumela ngaso sonke isikhathi lapho yephulwa.
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4. Zijwayeze ukuzinakekela ukuze ubhekane nomlingani othukayo
Ukuzinakekela kanye ukuzithanda zibalulekile kungakhathaliseki isimo sakho sobudlelwane. Kodwa zibaluleke kakhulu uma ubhekene nobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo, futhi noma ngabe unqume ukubushiya. Nakuba kungase kubonakale kunzima noma kungenanjongo, gxila kakhulu kuwe nasezintweni ezikulethela injabulo. Khumbula, nguwena kuphela onamathuluzi okukwakha ujabule kakhudlwana. Qala kancane. Cabanga ngomsebenzi owodwa olula ongawenza nsuku zonke futhi wakhe kusukela lapho.
U-Ian uthi: “Ngiyakuthanda ukuqwala izintaba nokuvolontiya endaweni yokukhosela izilwane ezifuywayo. “Umkami wayehlale ethi ukuzinikela kwami ngokuzithandela akwenzi mehluko wangempela ezilwaneni ezifuywayo, futhi ukugibela izintaba kwakungekona ukuvivinya umzimba ‘kwangempela’ ngakho kwakungenanjongo.” Lapho sesihlukene, kwadingeka ngigxile kakhulu ekubuyeleni ezintweni ezazingijabulisa. Kodwa kwangisiza ukuba ngibuyele ebuntwini bami bakudala.”
5. Funa ukusekelwa
Ukubhekana nenkosikazi ethukayo akuyona into okudingeka uyenze uwedwa. Yazi ukuthi kulungile ukufinyelela kobathandayo ukuze uthole ukwesekwa noma ukuqondiswa. "Ungakufihli ukuhlukunyezwa emndenini nakubangani bakho. Yakha uhlelo oluqinile lokusekela nomphakathi ongaphendukela kuwo," kusho uNeha. “Shayela ucingo losizo oluphathelene nokuhlukunyezwa uma ucabanga ukuthi ungafuni ukuthola usizo lobuso nobuso okwamanje,” uyanezela. Nakhu ongafinyelela kuye:
- Uxhaso Lwasekhaya Lwabudlova Basekhaya (ngokuhlukunyezwa kozakwethu): Shayela ku-1-800-799-7233 noma 1-800-787-3224, noma sebenzisa LiveChat
- loveisrespect.org (ukuthuthukisa intsha): Shayela ku-1-866-331-9474, thumela umbhalo othi LOVEIS ku-22522, noma sebenzisa ingxoxo 24/7
- Ungakwazi ngisho nokufuna usizo ku-inthanethi noma kuphaneli ye-Bonobology of abacebisi
Uma kuziwa ekuhlukunyezweni, uma ukuvuma ngokushesha, ukubhekana nakho, futhi ukulungise, kuba ngcono. Lokhu ngeke kube lula futhi okuningi kuzoncika esimweni sakho somuntu siqu. Uma unquma ukusebenza ebuhlotsheni, ungazama ukwelulekwa komuntu ngamunye noma kwabashadile. Kodwa hlanganisa uhlelo lokuphepha nomuntu omethembayo ukuze uphume ngokuphepha ebudlelwaneni, uma kudingeka.
Uma unquma ukubuqeda ubudlelwano, ukufuna iseluleko sezomthetho kubalulekile. "Amazwe amaningi anemithetho eqinile mayelana nokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba, kodwa labo abahlukumeza ngamazwi noma ngokwengqondo bavame ukungaqondakali. Nokho, ubudlova obuqhubekayo nokuphindaphinda ngamazwi nangokomzwelo kungabonwa njengezizathu zesehlukaniso," kusho ukwabelana. Shonee Kapoor, umeluleki welobolo, isehlukaniso, nokwehlukana onobuchwepheshe bokusebenzisa kabi imithetho yomshado.
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6. Thatha isinqumo esiqinile sokuqhubeka
“Uma kungekho okusebenzayo, kungcono ukuthi uhlukane nobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo,” kusho uNeha. Utusa ukuthi uhlale uzolile ngangokunokwenzeka, ungavumeli ukwesaba okungenasisekelo, futhi uncike kubangane, umndeni, kanye nomphakathi wakini.
Ukuqhubekela phambili akukhona nje ukuphuma endlini. Ukuphumela emhlabeni futhi wakhe kabusha impilo yakho kuzobukeka njengethemba elithusayo. Futhi ukuqhubeka nobudlelwano kungase kubonakale kungcono kunokuphuma uwedwa. Kuzoba nezinsuku lapho uzozizwa ubambeke ngesikhathi esedlule futhi ukhumbule iziqephu ezimbi kakhulu zobudlelwano bakho. Kuzoba nezikhathi lapho ama-flashbacks azo zonke izinto ezinonya azisho ngawe zizokumisa endleleni yakho futhi kwenze kube nzima ukuya phambili.
Kodwa ungayeki. Thatha isinyathelo esisodwa esincane, usuku olulodwa ngesikhathi, futhi uthole ibanga olidingayo ukuze uzizwe uphephile futhi ululame. Unakho lokhu.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Umfazi othukayo angase asebenzise amaqhinga afana nokuhlazisa nokusola, ukuthukwa, ukukuthuka, noma ukukusabisa ukuze akulawule ngokuphelele.
- Angase akugxeke, akwehlisele phansi, futhi akubukele phansi ukuze wephule ukuzethemba kwakho
- Nakuba ukuxhashazwa okunjalo kungase kungashiyi imihuzuko ebonakalayo noma amathambo aphukile, kungase kube yingozi ngendlela efanayo
- Ukuze ubhekane nokuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi, kuzodingeka ubhekane nomkakho, ugomele, futhi ubeke imingcele
- Ukuze ubhekane nemiphumela yokuhlukumeza, uzodinga ukwakha ukuzethemba kwakho futhi uzijwayeze ukuzinakekela
- Uma kudingeka, ungangabazi ukuthola usizo noma ukufulathela ngokuqinile ubuhlobo
Ukubhekana nonkosikazi othukayo akulula neze. Vuma ukuthi usemshadweni ohlukumezayo bese, kancane kancane unquma ukuthi ufuna ukukulungisa kanjani. Qiniseka ukuthi unohlelo oluqinile lokusekela ongancika kulo futhi uzikhumbuze ukuthi awuwedwa. Khumbula, ngenxa yokuthi imihuzuko yakho ayibonakali, akusho ukuthi ayiyona yangempela. Unelungelo lokuphulukisa futhi wakhe ubudlelwano obujabulisayo.
Lesi sihloko sabuyekezwa ngo-Agasti 2023.
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Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
