At 35 for the first time, I came to know what sex really meant. This is not to say that I have never had sex before. I have had boyfriends, I have been married, I have been a mother too, but with Agnish (name changed) I realised that I knew so little about my own body. I belong to a generation where no one talked about women’s masturbation and we were told that exploring your own body is shameful. So the thought became so ingrained in my head that I never explored my own body, never knew what my clitoris could do for me, or my vagina. I realised Agnish knew more about my vagina than I did myself.
(As told to Shanaya Agarwal)
I didn’t know if I had a G spot
There’s always a debate about a woman’s G spot whether it exists or if it does, where does it exist? And apparently I heard the G spot orgasm was the best orgasm and you could have multiple G spot orgasms. I only read about that and saw it on YouTube tutorials and wondered if I had one. A G spot I mean.
The first-day Agnish and I made out he just plunged his fingers into my vagina and within moments an orgasm had hit me like a storm.
“What did you do? Tell me what did you do?” I screamed in ecstasy. He said with a smile, “I found your G spot.”
I sat up amazed, perplexed, overjoyed. It’s like he had found King Solomon’s mines for me.
“Where is it?” I asked.
“I could feel it, it’s maybe 2 inches inside,” he laughed.
I hugged him tight. “Thank you! Thank you! for finding it. I never knew I had one.”
“Does it feel good?” Agnish asked.
“I never felt this way before. It’s magical,” I said. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn’t imagine that I had to wait for 35 years to discover a part of my own body.
The nightmare of sex before
My husband (now divorced) was the laziest man in bed. He was so lazy that he wouldn’t even want to enter me. He would want me to play with his organ and make him come. Sometimes he would fiddle with my clitoris and I would come. But gradually I became so bored with this whole sham of having sex, I didn’t even want him to bother with me. I gave him what he wanted and turned away and slept off. Then my daughter was born through IVF. My husband was happy he did not have to put in that extra effort to have a child.
After the baby was born I did become averse to sex but as days went by I realised it was not actually aversion to sex, I just abhorred the idea of having it with my husband. Gradually I realised I actually wanted to explore, more than ever.
The memories of my first love kept coming back
I was 15 and I was madly in love with this boy of 16. It was our first love. The first time we made out it was on the stairs to the terrace. It was heady, it was crazy. He rubbed his stiff organ against my clitoris and I came. It was a memory I could never forget. It is not possible to forget your first time. I didn’t know what physical chemistry meant then but we knew we were totally into each other and our hormones made a mad rush every time we made out.
Once again our socialization came in our way and we were too scared to go all the way. We were together for five years and just a kiss turned us on; we never actually felt the need to have sex. But I moved cities and we lost touch.
I had fallen for someone in college but it just fizzled out. It didn’t even go to the kissing stage. I always wanted but he was so conservative that I felt scared to take the first step and felt he would judge me. He was so busy reading out his poems and short stories to me, it never occurred to him that it could be nice to punctuate it with a kiss.
The memories of my first love started coming to me every single day. Till I started living in that memory, sometimes having orgasms in my sleep. I guess it was time to quit my marriage.
I should have had sex before marriage
It was an arranged marriage but we did have arranged dating for six months. Whenever I asked my fiancé to have a day out in some resort he would say he would only take me out on a proper honeymoon. It was fun to wait, he insisted. I was dumb to not understand what lay ahead for me. Now I realize I should have insisted on having sex before marriage, then I would have known how lazy he was. It was not that he was physically inept but sex felt like a task to him and discovering a woman’s body, a time-taking exercise. I did not know men like this existed till I married one.
I didn’t know women ejaculate
I met Agnish at work. It was plain lust from day one. I was attracted to him in a way I cannot explain. I kept fantasizing about him, made out with him in my dreams, and he seemed to have awakened a side of me that had been dormant for a long time.
I knew the attraction was mutual because of the way he looked at me. Then I was bold enough to tell him one day that I wanted to be in bed with him. He told me he felt the same.
The first time he touched me it was like electricity passing through my body.
After our steamy session we both ended up with innumerable love bites. We cooled down and warmed up at least four times. I didn’t know this was also possible in one night.
Then I realised the bed was wet and I was totally confused if I had wetted myself during the session.
Agnish said, “You came like a jet.”
“What??!!” I exclaimed.
“Yes, G spot orgasm often leads to a liquid coming out of the vagina. This is women’s ejaculation,” he answered.
“Really? I didn’t know,” I said and started laughing.
Every session we have is a discovery now. No two sessions are ever the same. I didn’t know what my vagina could do for me, the feelings my erogenous zones could give me or what a high a man’s organ inside me can give. Sometimes I feel I am in a perpetual state of orgasm.
Our relationship has now moved from lust to love. This is another thing I didn’t know. It is possible to move in the reverse direction. You can first have sex and then fall in love.