Ina marena koe, e hiahia ana koe kia mau tonu. Engari ka puta he hapa nui i muri mai, ka hē rawa tō tāne, ā, ka kitea koe e ngana ana ki te whakatika i ngā mea. Engari kei te whakaaro koe mēnā koia anō te whakaaro o tō tāne. Kātahi ka tīmata koe ki te rapu i ngā tohu pea e hiahia ana tō tāne ki te whakaora i te marena. Kei te hiahia koe ki te mōhio mēnā kei te pai ia ki te whakatika i ana hapa.
E ai ki nga mea hou Te Pooti a Te Whare Wānanga o Clark mō ngā Pakeke Hou, 86% o te neke atu i te kotahi mano o ngā Amerikana, 18 ki te 29 tau te pakeke, e tumanako ana ka roa ā rātou marena mō te wa katoa. Ā, e whakaaro ana hoki koe. Ahakoa ka tīmata te pakaru o ngā mea katoa, ka whakaaro koe ki ngā mea katoa ka taea hei whakaora i te marena mai i te whakarere. Engari e hiahia ana rānei tō tāne ki tēnā?
Hei kimi mēnā he rite tōna ngākau nui ki a koe, ā, mēnā ka taea te whakaora i te marena kei te tata te whakarere, i whakapā atu mātou ki a Ridhi Korekāha (MA Psychology), he tohunga ki te tohutohu mō ngā marena kore aroha, ngā wehenga, me ētahi atu raruraru whanaungatanga. E mea ana ia, "Ka taea te whakaora i tētahi marena me tētahi whanaungatanga mēnā e pai ana ngā taha e rua ki te mahi." Kia kite tātou i te tūnga o tāu tāne mō tēnei mea.
He mea tika kia whakaorangia tō marena?
Ripanga o Ihirangi
Me noho tonu ahau, me whakapau kaha ake, me whakamutu rānei tāua? Ka taea te whakaora i taku marena kua hinga ahakoa kua kōrero tāua mō te wehenga? He maha ngā huarahi hei pātai i tēnei pātai. Kotahi te whakautu. Ae, ka taea te whakaora i te marena, ahakoa kua hemo tōna manawa whakamutunga. Ko te mea e hiahiatia ana ko te kite i te uara o te heke mai o tō whanaungatanga, kātahi ka whakaatu i te whakapau kaha 100% ki te tukanga whakaora.
Ka tino hoha te hinengaro i te noho i roto i te marena kore aroha. Nā Dana Adam Shapiro i roto i tana pukapuka i te tau 2012, Ka taea e koe te tika, ka taea rānei e koe te mārena, i tuhi ko te 17% anake o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e makona ana ki tā rātou hoa. Ko ētahi atu kei te whakatikatika noa i a rātou anō nā ngā take pūtea, te whakama o te hapori, te whakaaro rānei ki ngā tamariki. Koia te take, me arotake pono koe i te tūnga o tō whanaungatanga. Ka taea e koe te tango i tēnei ""Kei roto ahau i tētahi marena pouri?" pātai kia kitea.
Ridhi e mea ana a too, "Me whakaaro koe ki te whakaora i te marena mena kei te mau tonu te aroha i waenganui i te tokorua. Mena kāore tetahi e whakaaro rite ana ki tetahi, kāore he take ki te whakaora i te marena kei pakaru. Ina ngaro te aroha, kāore e taea e koe te inoi, te akiaki rānei i tetahi kia noho ki a koe. Ka taea e koe te hanga i te piriti mena kei te mau te aroha me te hiahia nui ki te whakaoti i te raruraru me te noho tahi."
Nō reira, ina kī mai tō tāne kei te whakaaro tahi tāua, me pēhea koe e mōhio ai? Me pēhea koe e mōhio ai he pai te whakapau i tō wā me tō kaha katoa ki te whakatika i ngā hapa? Ka tīmata koe ki te rapu i ngā tohu katoa e whakaatu ana i te taumata whakapau kaha o tō tāne.
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9 Ngā Tohu Hira e Hiahia ana tō Tāne ki te Whakaora i te Marenatanga
Hei tā te kōrero, kua kōrero kōrua ko tō tāne. Kua whakapuakina ngā amuamu, kua whakapuakina ngā kupu whakaari. Nā, me pēhea? Kei te whakaaro koe mēnā kua tino rerekē ia nā te mea kei te kī mai tō ngākau kāore pea ia i pērā. He maha ngā take e rapu ana koe i ngā tohu e aro nui ana tō hoa ki tō kōrua whanaungatanga, ā, kua whakarārangihia e mātou i raro nei.
- He mea whakararuraru ki a koe ana tikanga, āna whanonga rānei, ā, te āhua nei kāore ia e rerekē ahakoa he maha ngā kōrerorero i muri mai.
- Kua kitea e koe kua teka ia ki a koe, kāore rānei te whakahaere me te whakahaere koe
- I kitea e koe kua moe tāne ia i waho o te marena
- Kāore ia i tino whai wāhi ki te whakatipu tamariki
- Kua wareware ia ki ō hiahia
Tērā pea ka whai hua koe i tēnei rārangi tohu kua whiriwhiria e mātou māu, hei aromatawai i ngā mahi a tō tāne ki a koe me tēnei whanaungatanga.
1. Kei te aro nui ia, ā, kei te whai wāhi anō ia
E mea ana a Ridhi, "Ko tētahi o ngā tohu e hiahia ana tō tāne ki te whakatika i tō kōrua marena pakaru ina kaha ake tana aro. Ka whakarongo ia ki ngā mea katoa e kōrerohia ana e koe. Ka whakamana ia i ō kare ā-roto, ō whakaaro, me ō whakatau. Ka nui ake tana whai wāhi ki roto i tō kōrua whanaungatanga. Ka tīmata ia ki te whiriwhiri tahi me koe mō ngā mea i kitea e ia he uaua ki te whakamanawanui. Ki te kore, ka tīmata ia ki te tūtaki ki a kōrua i waenganui."
Kei te ngana ia ki te kōrero atu ki a koe? Kei te hoki mai ia i te mahi ki te noho tahi me koe? Kei te ngana ia ki te tohatoha i te kawenga? He tangata ia whakarongo pai Ina kōrero koe mō ō kare ā-roto? E whakaatu ana rānei ia e aroha ana ia? Mena ko tāu tāne tēnā, ka taea e koe te māia kei te pirangi ia ki te āwhina i te angitu o te marena.
2. Kei te tango kawenga ia
Ki te mea i hē tō hoa i whara ai koe, pērā i te kore whakaute i a koe, te hamama ki a koe, te wawahi rānei i tō whakawhirinakitanga, ko te mea i whakapāha pono ia, ā, i whakaae ki te kawenga mō te whakararu i te marena, koia tētahi o ngā tohu e hiahia ana tō tāne ki te whakaora i te marena. He mea nui rawa tēnei ina whakaora ana i te marena i muri i te moepuku.
I muri i tana moepuku, kaua e whakaae noa ki te kawenga me te whakapāha, engari me noho hei tangata pai ake mā te tuku i te wā ki a koe kia mārama ki ngā āhuatanga o mua. Kaua ia e akiaki i a koe kia murua ōna hara, kia neke atu rānei. He tohu pai mēnā ka tuku whakapāha pakeke ia, ā, ka whakaatu kua rite ia ki te whakaae ahakoa he aha ngā hua o āna mahi.
Te tohu i te hiranga o te kawenga i roto i ngā whanaungatangaE kī ana a Ridhi, "Ina ngana ana koe ki te whakaora i tētahi marena e pakaru ana, tera pea ka kore e angitu tetahi taha, tetahi taha rānei. Hei tauira, ko tētahi mea nui pēnei i te tinihanga, kāore e taea te muru me te wareware i roto i te pō kotahi. He roa te wā e hiahiatia ana hei whakaora i te puremu. I nāianei, ko te whakaae noa o tāu tāne ki tana hapa tētahi o ngā mahi tuatahi hei whakaora i tētahi marena i muri i tētahi moepuku."
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3. Kei te ngana anō ia ki te hanga whanaungatanga piripono
I ētahi wā, ka pukumahi rawa tātou i ō tātou oranga, ā, ka wareware tātou ki te atawhai i te aroha e mau nei i a tātou mō ō tātou hoa. Ina tae mai te wā ki te noho tahi me rātou, ka mōhio tātou kua ngaro te mura o te aroha. Ahakoa he mea nui te mahi aroha, he mea nui anō hoki te hanga anō i te whanaungatanga piripono kia taea ai te wikitoria i te pakaru o te whanaungatanga.
E mea ana a Jessica, he tohunga whakapaipai whaimana nō Niu Ioka, "He maha ngā mahi i mahia e māua hei whakaora i tā māua marena. Ko tētahi o aua mahi ko te hanga anō i ngā mea katoa." ngā momo whanaungatanga, inā koa te whanaungatanga ā-tinana, ā-hinengaro, me te hinengaro. I tīmata māua ki te kai tahi i te iti rawa i te kotahi kai i te rā, i whakapai ake i ā māua pūkenga whakarongo, ā, i whakapau kaha tonu ki te whakawhanake i te whanaungatanga ā-tinana. I whakamātau māua i ngā mea hou i runga i te moenga, i mahi tahi i ngā mahi o te whare, ā, i ngana ki te whakatau i ā māua raruraru i roto i te huarahi marino.”
Tērā pea kua whakaaro koe, "He mea nui kia whakarerekētia e au ahau hei whakaora i taku marena?" E ai ki a Jessica i titiro ia me tana tāne ki roto, ā, i hanga he whakatikatika hei whakapai ake i a rāua anō. "I whakarerekē taku tāne i a ia anō hei whakaora i tā māua marena, ā, i pērā anō hoki ahau. Kāore he he o te whakarerekē i ngā mea iti mōu ake mō tētahi e arohaina ana e koe. He mea āwangawanga noa iho mēnā ka whakarerekētia e koe tō āhua katoa, ka tukua tō āhua motuhake."
4. Ka ako ia i tō reo aroha
Nga Reo Aroha e rima nā Tākuta Gary Chapman, ka taea te whakamahi hei pukapuka tino nui mō te whakaora i te marena ina whakamahia ma te whakaaro nui. E ai ki te pukapuka, e rima ngā momo huarahi e whakapuaki ai te tangata i tō rātou aroha, arā: ngā kupu whakaū, ngā mahi āwhina, te whiwhi koha, te wā kounga, me te pā ā-tinana. Ina kua ngā reo aroha rerekē, he rerekē āu whakapuakitanga me āu whakamāramatanga i te aroha.
A ako i mahia mō te huarahi e whakanui ake ai te ngākau māhaki o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine mā te whakatū whakawhitiwhiti kōrero whai hua. I whakaatuhia e tēnei tātaritanga he nui ake ngā taumata o te ngākau māhaki me te ngākau māhaki o te whanaungatanga me te moepuku i roto i ngā kaiuru i whakamahi i ngā reo aroha e pai ana ki tā rātou hoa.
Ki te whakaatu te hoa e rua i te aroha i runga i te huarahi e mārama ana tetahi ki tetahi, he tohu tēnā kei te whakapau kaha koe ki te whakahaere i te whanaungatanga. Nō reira, ki te whakaatu tō tāne i tōna aroha ki a koe i roto i tō reo aroha me tana ake reo aroha, tirohia tēnei hei tohu mārama kei te whakapau kaha tō tāne ki te whakatika i tō kōrua whanaungatanga raruraru.
5. E kōrero ana ia mō te heke mai me te tumanako nui
Ina kei roto i te hinengaro o te tāne te whakarere, kāore ia e kōrero nui mō te heke mai pērā i mua. Kāore te tangata e kōrero mō ngā mea kāore rātou e aro nui ana ki roto. Nō reira, ki te mea he pōuri ngā āhuatanga, kāore koe e rongo i tō hoa rangatira e kōrero ana mō te hoko whare, te whānau tamariki, te kura hei tuku i ngā tamariki, tae atu ki te whakamahere hararei tahi me koe.
Engari i te roanga o te wā, ā, ka kite koe i ngā panonitanga pai o taua waiaro, tera pea he tumanako. E kī ana a Ridhi, "Mēnā i mua i whakakahore ia ki te kōrero mō tō kōrua heke mai marena me te tino mohio, engari ināianei ka kōrero ia mō taua mea me te tino tumanako, kāti kei te ngana ia ki te whakaora i tētahi marena e pakaru ana."
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6. Kei te waihanga ia i tētahi taiao pai ake mō ngā tamariki
Kāore koe i whakaaro ki tēnā i te wā i tūkino ai kōrua tetahi ki tetahi mō te wā tuatahi. Engari i te piki haere o ngā pakanga, ka tīmata koe ki te kite i ngā huringa o ngā whanonga a āu tamariki. Ehara i te mea ngaro mēnā he maha ngā wā ka uru atu ngā mātua ki ngā pakanga, ka pā kino ki ngā tamariki. E ai ki rangahau, ko ngā pakanga pinepine i waenga i ngā mātua e pā ana ki te piki haere o ngā raruraru whanonga i roto i ngā tamariki pērā i te pukuriri, te whakakeke, me ngā mate whanonga.
E mea ana a Ridhi, "He tino kino te taiao kino mō ngā tamariki. Me whakaaro koe ki te hauora hinengaro o tāu tamaiti i mua i te hamama tetahi ki tetahi." Ka tāpiri atu ia, "Heoi, ina whakapau kaha te tāne ki te waihanga i tētahi taiao pai ake mōu me ngā tamariki, ko te whakaute i tō oranga hinengaro tētahi o ngā huarahi hei whakaora i tētahi marena e tata ana ki te whakarere."
Kua tino whakarite ia kia whakapuaki i ana amuamu i runga i te huarahi tika ake? Kua nui ake tōna wā me tōna aro ki ngā tamariki? Kei te whakapau kaha ia ki te tiaki i ō rātou hiahia? Kei te ngāwari ia ki te te tohatoha i ngā mahi o te whare me ngā kawenga tiaki tamariki, pērā i te haere ki ngā hui PTA, te whai wāhi atu ki te oranga o āu tamariki, ki ō hoa, ki ngā mahi whakangahau, ki ngā akoranga, me ērā atu mea? Mēnā koinei te āhua, me kitea e koe he tumanako i roto i tēnei whanonga.
7. He wairua mahi tahi tōna
He āwhina tonu te wairua mahi tahi ki te whakaora i te marena mai i te whakarere. Ko tētahi o ngā mea ngā tohu o te whanaungatanga piriponoKei roto i tēnei ko ngā whanonga e whai ake nei:
- Te mōhio ko "tātou" ehara i te "au"
- Te pātai atu mō ngā whakaaro me ngā whakaaro o tētahi ki tētahi
- Te whakatakoto i nga tumanako pono
- Te whakatau tahi
- Te whakawhanake i ngā uara ōrite me te whakaute i ngā uara rerekē
- Te pātai me te hiahia tetahi ki tetahi
- Kaua e ngana ki te pahua i ngā hoa me te whānau
E kī ana a Ridhi, "He mea tino nui te wairua mahi tahi i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ka mahi tahi kōrua kia tutuki ai te whāinga kotahi, arā, kia pumau, kia taurite hoki te marena. Ka taea e kōrua ko tō tāne te whakaora i te marena i muri i te moepuku, hei tauira, mā te aro atu ki tēnei take hei rōpū."
8. Nāna anō i kī pūmau
Ki te hiahia koe kia pai ngā mea katoa, me hoatu e koe ki a ia te painga o te ruarua. Ki te whakaatu ia e hiahia ana ia ki te whakatika i ngā mea i roto i te huarahi pono me te pono, ka taea e koe te hoatu ki a ia he whai wāhi ki te whakamatau i a ia anō. Ki te maha o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine, kāore ngā kupu me ngā mahi e ōrite. Engari ki te mahi tāu tāne i tāna e kī ana, ko tētahi o ana mahi. ngā huarahi hei noho hei tāne pai ake.
E kī ana a Mal, he kaiwaiata hopu oro kei waenganui i ōna tau 30, "I kite ahau he mea kāore i te tika i te wā i mutu ai tā māua noho tahi me te arotahi noa ki ā māua mahi. Kāore māua i te tino kite tetahi i tetahi. Ka hoki māua ki te kāinga, ka kai tina, ka moe. Ka ara ake māua i te ata i muri mai ka haere ki te mahi. I mahara ahau kei te anga atu taku marena ki te mutunga kore.
"He waimarie, ehara i te mea ko ia anake i ngana ki te whakarerekē i a ia anō hei whakaora i tā māua marena, engari i whakarite ia kia pērā anō hoki ahau. I mea ia e hiahia ana ia ki te whakapai ake i ngā mea, ā, i whakatenatena mai ki ahau he mea tika kia whawhaihia tō māua whanaungatanga. I tangohia e māua ngā mahi hei whakaora i tō māua marena mā te whakarite wā mō rāua."
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9. Kei te mahi ia i a ia anō
E mea ana a Ridhi, "He tohu pai ina tīmata tō hoa ki te mahi i a ia anō. Mena he raruraru riri tō tāne ā, kei te tango ia i te rongoā mōna, kātahi ka ngana ia ki te whakaora i tēnei marena ahakoa pēhea. He roa te wā e roa ai te whakatikatika i tētahi marena. Tērā pea ka puta ngā whakamātautau me ngā hapa. Ki te aroha koe ki tāu tāne, ā, e hiahia ana kia ora tonu te whanaungatanga, tautokohia ia i tana haerenga ki te whakapai ake.”
Ko ētahi tauira e mahi ana tāu tāne i a ia anō:
- Ka whakaurua e ia ō urupare i ia wā ki roto i āna whanonga
- He tuwhera, he pono hoki ia mō ōna kare ā-roto
- Kāore ia e mataku i ngā kōrero uaua
- E mōhio ana ia ki te whawhai tika
- Kei te mahi ia i runga i ōna āwangawanga
- E tuwhera ana ia ki te noho ngoikore
Na, He aha te Panui?
Nō reira, kua mōhio koe inaianei mēnā kei a koe te tautoko a tō tāne ki te whakatika i te raruraru o te marena. Ka kite koe i ngā tohu e tumanakohia ana ngā mea, i ngā tohu rānei kua kore tō marena. Kua mōhio koe inaianei mēnā ka taea te whakaora i tō marena, mēnā rānei me arotahi kōrua ki te whakaora me te neke whakamua. I runga i tāu urupare, ko te mea pai ko ēnei ngā mahi e whai ake nei:
- Mena he tumanako: Kia kitea e koe kei te whakapau kaha tō tāne ki te whakatika i te whanaungatanga, pērā i a koe, me whakarite he wā me he wāhi hei whakatū i ngā ture taketake me ētahi atu. rohe hauoraKia mau tonu te kōrero a kōrua ko tō hoa. He pai ki te nuinga o ngā tāne me ngā wāhine te noho tahi. He mea pai hoki kia rapu tautoko koe i tētahi kaiwhakaora whānau, i tētahi kaiwhakatakoto whakaaro marena rānei, kia mōhio ai koe ki ngā pūtake o tō kōrua pakanga, kia ako ai hoki i ngā rautaki pai ake mō te whakatau pakanga.
- I te wā e pai ake ai te wehe i ngā araHe pai te mamae o te ngākau ina kitea e koe kāore e taea te whakaora i tō marena. Hoatu he wā ki a koe anō kia rongo i te pouri. Rapua he tautoko mai i ngā mema o te whānau me ngā hoa. Whakanuia te tiaki i a koe anō kia kaha ai te wairua i mua i te tango i te taahiraa e whai ake nei. I tēnei take anō hoki, mā te kite i tētahi kaitohutohu wehenga hei tokorua ka āwhina i a kōrua kia māmā ake te tukanga wehenga, te whakarere rānei mō kōrua. Ka taea e te rongoā takitahi te āwhina i a koe ki te aro atu ki te huringa nui.
E hiahia ana mātou ki te kī anō, ahakoa te wehenga, te kore rānei, he tino whai hua te tohutohu ngaio ina neke whakamua koe, ina neke whakamua rānei. Mena kei te hiahia koe i taua āwhina, mā Bonobology's he rōpū kaitohutohu mātau kei konei nei hei awhina ia koe.
Tohutohu Matua
- He pai te whakatika i tētahi marena mēnā e kite ana ngā hoa e rua i tētahi heke mai, ā, e whakapau kaha ana ki te mahi.
- Whakaarohia te whakaora i te marena ina kei te toe tonu te whakawhirinaki, te aroha, me te whakaute i roto i te hononga.
- Mena kua riro i tō tāne te mana whakahaere i ana mahi, mena kei te ngana ia ki te hanga anō i te whanaungatanga piripono me te whakawhirinaki, ā, e hiahia ana ki te kōrero mō tō kōrua heke mai, koinei ētahi o ngā tohu pai e hiahia ana ia ki te whakapai ake i tō kōrua whanaungatanga.
- Ka taea e kōrua ko tō hoa te mahi tahi mā te tuku i tō kōrua kaha katoa ki te marena, te kōrero whakaute, me te whakaae i ngā raruraru.
- Ka taea te whakatika i ngā marena e raru ana mā te tirohanga ngaio me te aratohu a te kaitohutohu marena.
He mahi uaua te marena. Ka raru pea ngā āhuatanga mō ngā take maha. Mēnā he take pēnei i te kore whakawhitiwhiti kōrero me te kore mārama, he pai pea te whakaora i tō marena. Engari ehara i te mea me manawanui koe ki te tukino, ki te whakakino i a koe anō, ki te tinihanga, ki te hoa kore aro rānei. Ki te kore koe e hiahia ki te whakaora i tō whanaungatanga, he pai anō hoki. Kei konei mātou i tō taha ahakoa te huarahi e arahina ai koe e te ao. Kāore koe i te mokemoke!
I whakahoutia tēnei tuhinga i te marama o Poutū-te-rangi 2023.
FAQs
Ae. He mea tika kia whakaorangia tetahi marena, ā, ka taea te whakaora mena ka atawhai, ka aroha ngā hoa tetahi ki tetahi, ka tuku wāhi tetahi ki tetahi. Kāore e taea te whakaora i te marena pakaru mena kāore he whakawhirinaki me te whakahē tonu.
Ki te kore he āhua o te tukino, kāore e roa rawa te wā ki te whakatika i ngā mea. Kei te nui o te kaha o kōrua ko tō hoa ki te tuku i te katoa ki tēnei whanaungatanga te mea e hiahiatia ana. Ki te hiahia tetahi o te hoa ki te tuku i te katoa, engari kāore tetahi, kāore e taea te whakaora. Ehara i te mea ko te wā, ko te nui rānei o te aroha te mea nui. Ko te nui o te kaha me te whakaae e hiahia ana koe ki te whakaora i tō kōrua marena.
Kei roto te marena i te raruraru ina tīmata te ahua he mahi uaua, ina puta he aituā o te puremu, ina puta he raruraru pūtea, he raruraru mātua rānei. Mena kua roa koe e hiahia ana ki te whakaora i te marena, rapua ngā tohu e whakaatu ana kei te whakaaro tahi kōrua ko tō hoa ki te whanaungatanga, ā, e kite ana kōrua i te heke mai tahi.
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Kei te moe tāne taku tāne me tētahi hoa mahi. Ko ia tōna rangatira, ā, e kore ia e pai ki te whakakore i a ia nā te mea e kī ana ia ka taea e rāua te pupuri i te pakihi anake ināianei. Ki taku whakaaro kāore e taea e māua te ora me te kore te tangata moe tāne e wehe atu i ō māua oranga. Kei muri tonu i tō māua whare te mahi a taku tāne, nō reira ka kite ahau i a ia i ia rā, ā, i nekehia e ia āna tamariki ki te kura o taku tamariki. Kei roto ia i ngā wāhanga katoa o tōku ao - he nui rawa te uaua ki ahau te whakahaere i te hiahia kia noho rangimārie ia ki tō māua ao me tōku whānau, waimarie mōku i kite ahau i tētahi pou a tētahi wahine e hiahia ana kia puta i te āhuatanga kotahi pērā i tōku e kōrero ana mō te āwhina i a ia ki tētahi karakia aroha e te temepara otinga.