Chisudzulo Chisudzulo: Ndi Chiyani, Zizindikiro, ndi Njira Zothetsera

Nthaŵi zonse nkhani yothetsa ukwati ikanenedwa, uphungu wofala kwambiri ndiwo kusapanga chisudzulo mopepuka. Ngakhale n’zoona kuti kukhala m’banja lopanda chimwemwe kungakhale chinthu chokhumudwitsa kwambiri komanso chokhumudwitsa kwambiri, koma kusiya zonse musanathe kuchita zonse zimene mungachite kuti mugwirizane ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu kungachititse kuti muzinong’oneza bondo za chisudzulo.

Chigamulo cha chisudzulo chikasainidwa, nthawi zambiri sichibwerera m'mbuyo. Ngati, poganizira zakale, muyamba kuzindikira kuti kuthetsa ukwati kunali kulakwitsa, chisoni ndi kudzimva chisoni pambuyo pa chisudzulo zimatha kukhalabe kwa moyo wanu wonse. Kupatula apo, nkhani zoyanjanitsa chisudzulo ndizochepa kwambiri. Ziwerengero zikusonyeza kuti 6% yokha ya okwatirana osudzulana ndi omwe amayanjanitsanso. Kumbali ina, ziwerengero za chisoni cha chisudzulo, malinga ndi kafukufuku wofalitsidwa mu Daily Mail , ndi zodabwitsa, ndipo 54% ya osudzulana "amalakalaka akanakhala kuti sanathe kuthetsa ukwati wawo".

Ngati panopa mukuganiza zothetsa ukwati wanu, ziwerengerozi zingakupangitseni kudzifunsa kuti, “Kodi mkazi wanga wakale adzanong'oneza bondo kusudzulana?”, “Kodi mwamuna wanga wakale adzakhumba kuti sitinapitirire ndi kusudzulana?”, kapena “Kodi ndidzanong'oneza bondo kusudzulana?” Ngati mwasudzulana kale ndipo mukulimbana ndi maganizo monga, “Kusiya mkazi wanga kunali kulakwitsa” kapena “Ndikadakhala kuti sindinasiye mwamuna wanga”, tingangoganizira za mavuto a m'maganizo omwe mukukumana nawo. Kuti tichepetse chisokonezo chanu, tiyeni tiwone tanthauzo la kudandaula kusudzulana, zizindikiro zake ndi ziti, ndi njira zothetsera vutoli, pokambirana ndi katswiri wa zamaganizo Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), yemwe ndi katswiri pa kulekana ndi uphungu wa kusudzulana.

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Kutha kwa ukwati nthawi zambiri kumakupangitsani kukhala ndi malingaliro ambiri, omwe pakati pawo, chisoni chingakhale chimodzi mwazovuta kwambiri kuzitsatira. Chisoni cha kusudzulana chimatanthauza kumva chisoni chachikulu kapena kusatsimikizika komwe kumachitika pambuyo pa kutha kwa ukwati. Monga momwe ziwerengero za chisoni cha kusudzulana zomwe zatchulidwazi zasonyezera, izi ndizofala kwambiri kuposa momwe tingaganizire.

Pofotokoza zomwe zimapangitsa kuti munthu amve chisoni komanso kudzimva kuti ndi wolakwa pambuyo pa kusudzulana, Shazia akufotokoza kuti, "Nthawi zambiri kusudzulana kumakhala chisankho chobwera chifukwa cha maganizo oipa monga mkwiyo, mkwiyo, ndi kubwezera. Zisankho zilizonse zochokera ku malingaliro oipa, kaya abwino kapena oipa, sizingakhale zothandiza. Kuwonjezera apo, palinso nkhani zoipa komanso manyazi okhudzana ndi kusudzulana m'madera ambiri, kudzimva wolakwa ndi chisoni nthawi zambiri zimayamba kufalikira pamene malingaliro omwe amalimbikitsa chisankho chosudzulana ayamba kukhazikika."

Zimenezi zingachititse munthu kudzifunsa kuti, “Kodi n’chiyani chimayambitsa chisoni chifukwa cha kusudzulana?” Chabwino, palibe nthawi yeniyeni ya izo. Zitha kuchitika nthawi iliyonse pambuyo pa kupatukana, nthawi zambiri pamene zowawa ndi zowawa zomwe zimagwirizanitsidwa ndi zomwe zinapangitsa kuti banja liwonongeke zimasinthidwa ndi mafunso oti "ngati" ndi "zimene zikanakhala" zochitika.

Mwachitsanzo, ngati chigamulo chochoka chinayambitsidwa ndi nkhani zakunja, onse awiri akhoza kumva chisoni chifukwa cha kusudzulana pambuyo pa chigololo, koma m'njira zosiyanasiyana. Mwamuna kapena mkazi amene anachita chinyengo anganong’oneze bondo kuti zimene anachita zinachititsa kuti banja lithe. Ndipo amene anachitiridwa chinyengo anganong’oneze bondo chifukwa chochoka m’banja mofulumira.

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Ngati izi zakupangitsani kudzifunsa kuti, “Kodi ndidzanong’oneza bondo chifukwa chosudzulana?” kapena “Ndimaphonya kukhala m’banja nthaŵi zina, kodi zimenezo zikutanthauza kuti ndikunong’oneza bondo chisudzulo?”, dziŵani kuti sialiyense amene amalingalira chigamulo chimenechi ndi kumva chisoni. Chisudzulo chonong'oneza bondo Psychology imasiyanasiyana kutengera mikhalidwe yomwe imatsogolera kuchisudzulo, moyo wabwino pambuyo pake, ndi ulendo wanu wamachiritso pazovuta izi.

Kungoti mumaganizira za wakale wanu kapena kukumbukira nthawi zosangalatsa zomwe mumakhala nazo muukwati wanu sizitanthauza kuti mukudandaula ndi chisudzulocho. Monga momwe wogwiritsa ntchito Reddit, Soggy_Cartographer18 , akunenera, "Ndimadana kuti ukwati wanga sunayende bwino. Ndimasowa lingaliro lokhala pabanja. Ndimasowa kukhala ndi munthu wina wamkulu pafupi. Ndimasowa ubwino wa anthu okhala pabanja. Masiku ngati lero, ndimawona maanja ena akuchita Valentine's Day Challenge pa Facebook ndipo ndimamva chisoni kuti "Bwanji sindikumvetsa zimenezo?" Ndipo nthawi zina ndimakhala ndekha ndipo ndimamva chisoni. AKALE amatha kukhumudwitsa kwambiri zinthu zikakhala zoipa.

Komabe, Lachisanu kuntchito, ndinali kulankhula ndi mkazi wina amene anangopatukana kumene ndipo ndinanena kuti pamene ndikusowa kukwatiwa, sindikusoŵa wakale wanga.

Kuti tikuthandizeni kuzindikira zomwe mukumva, tiyeni tiwone zizindikiro zazikulu za chisudzulo:

1. Kukwaniritsa zakale

Kusudzulana kumabweretsa chisoni chifukwa cha maganizo okhudza kusudzulana, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti munthu ayambe kukonda zakale, kukumbukira zinthu zosangalatsa komanso kunyalanyaza mikangano yomwe inachititsa kuti ukwati usweke.

Shazia anati: “Pakadali pano, kudzikayikira kumayamba kuonekera ndipo sudziwanso ngati kusudzulana kunali koyenera.” Mutha kukhala mukuganiza zam'mbuyomu ndikulakalaka kuti simunalole kuti wakale wanu apite, ngati,

• Malingaliro ngati, "Ndinasiya mwamuna wanga chifukwa cha wokondedwa wanga ndikunong'oneza bondo" kapena "Kusiya mkazi wanga kunali kulakwitsa", lamulirani mutu wanu.
• Simungakumbukirenso zizolowezi, zovuta, ndi zokhumudwitsa zomwe zidakuyendetsani khoma
• Kukumbukira kwanu paubwenzi kumangokhala pa nthawi yaukwati
• Muli ndi malingaliro okonda ex wanu

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2. Kudziimba mlandu kwambiri

Shazia anati: “Munthu amene amanong’oneza bondo chifukwa cha zimene anasankha zoti asudzule mwamuna kapena mkazi wake angayambe kudziimba mlandu chifukwa cha nkhani yonseyi. Izi ndi zomwe zingamveke,

• Banja langa linatha chifukwa cha ine
• Ndikadayesetsa kwambiri kuti banja liziyenda bwino
• Ndinasiya mwamuna wanga chifukwa cha wokondedwa wanga ndipo ndikunong'oneza bondo
• Sindinali wabwino, ndipo n’chifukwa chake banja langa linalephera

Zinenezo zimene munthu anganenezi zingachititse munthu kukhala wachisoni. Muzu wake ndi chikhumbo chofuna kuchita zinthu mosiyana.

3. Kusafuna kufunafuna maubwenzi atsopano

Ngakhale kuti n’zachibadwa kusamala kuti musamadziike pachiwopsezo ukwati utatha, anthu ambiri amayambiranso moyo wawo wachikondi pambuyo pa kusudzulana , nthawi ina. Malinga ndi kafukufuku , 93% ya osudzulana amalowa muubwenzi watsopano. Chifukwa chake, ngati papita nthawi kuchokera pamene munasudzulana ndipo mukukhalabe ndi kukayikira kodabwitsa koyambitsa chibwenzi chatsopano, zingasonyeze kuti mumakhala ndi malingaliro okhalitsa kwa mnzanu wakale kapena mantha ozama obwerezabwereza zolakwa zakale.

4. Kuganiziranso kuopsa kwa nkhani

Kudzimva kukhala ndi mlandu kapena kufunsa kuti, “N’chifukwa chiyani ndimadzimva kukhala ndi mlandu posudzula mwamuna wanga ?”, kapena kulimbana ndi maganizo odzimvera chisoni monga, “Kusiya mkazi wanga kunali kulakwitsa” kungakhale chifukwa cha kukakamizidwa ndi anthu komanso ziyembekezo zathu zokhudza ukwati ndi moyo wake wautali.

Shazia anati: “Ziyembekezo za anthu zokhalanso wosakwatiwa zingachititse munthu kudzipenda ndi kuonanso kuopsa kwa nkhani zimene zinathetsa ukwatiwo.

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5. Kufuna kuyanjananso

Chizindikiro choonekeratu cha chisoni ndi chikhumbo chofuna kuyanjananso ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wakale, mosasamala kanthu za zomwe zinapangitsa kuti banja lithe. Mwachitsanzo, munthu amene anakondana ndi wina n’kusiya mwamuna kapena mkazi wake chifukwa cha chibwenzi chake angadandaulenso chifukwa cha chisudzulo atachita chigololo.

Angayambe kuyerekezera bwenzi lawo lokwatirana nalo ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wake wakale, zimene zingawachititse kuganiza kuti, “Ndinasiya mwamuna wanga chifukwa cha wokondedwa wanga ndipo ndinanong’oneza bondo” kapena “Sindinayenera konse kusiya mkazi wanga ndi mkazi wina.” Mofananamo, kuyerekezera maubwenzi ena kapena okwatirana atsopano ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wakale kungasonyezenso kuti munthuyo sanathe kupitirira ukwati wawo wakale, kusonyeza chisoni cha kusudzulana.

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Kulakalaka zakale, chikhumbo chobwerera ku gawo losangalatsa la ubale ndi nkhani yobwerezabwereza m'nkhani zambiri zodandaula za chisudzulo. Monga momwe wogwiritsa ntchito Reddit, IN8765353 , akunenera, "Ndikulakalaka kukhala wokwatiwa, ndikulakalaka kunyumba, moona mtima, ndikulakalaka kukhala ndi mwamuna wondithandiza ndi sh*t (kupukuta chipale chofewa, kukhazikitsa ndi kupachika zinthu, kupeza ukadaulo, komanso kusamalira ziweto). Ndikulakalaka kukhala ndi munthu woti ndiphikire ndi kudya naye. Ndikulakalaka kukhala ndi munthu wondidziwa bwino. Ndimasowa mwamuna wanga kwambiri ngakhale nthawi yeniyeni koma ndimasowa kwambiri momwe zinthu zinalili kale, pamene ukwati unali wosangalatsa komanso wosavuta komanso wopanda zovuta komanso wachikondi."

Palibe kukayika kuti kusuntha pambuyo pa kusudzulana ndi vuto lalikulu la maganizo lomwe limafuna chifundo ndi chisamaliro. Popeza nkhani za kusudzulana sizichitika kawirikawiri, mukangodutsa mlatho umenewo, ndibwino kuti musiye kuyang'ana galasi la moyo wanu, m'malo mwake, yang'anani pa kupeza njira yopitira patsogolo. Nazi njira zina zomwe akatswiri amalangiza kuti zikuthandizeni kuchita zimenezo ndikulimbana ndi chisoni cha kusudzulana:

1. Yesetsani kulandiridwa

Ubwenzi ukatha, zimabweretsa mavuto osiyanasiyana, kuphatikizapo kumva chisoni ndi chisoni. Chofunikira ndichakuti musakankhire malingalirowa kutali kapena kuwalola kuti akuwopsyezeni kuganiza kuti simunayese mokwanira kapena mukadapatsanso banja lanu mwayi wina. Ndi bwino kuvomereza chisoni. "Kuvomereza ndi sitepe yoyamba yopita ku machiritso ndi kupita patsogolo ku moyo watsopano. Kusudzulana sikophweka. Yesetsani kuti musasinthe maganizo anu.

m'pofunika kukumbukira kuti anthu ambiri amapeza mphamvu m'nthawi zovuta zino, ndipo ziwerengero za madandaulo a moyo nthawi zambiri zimanyalanyaza kukula ndi kulimba mtima zomwe zimachitika chifukwa cha zovuta. M’chenicheni, ena amatsimikizira kuti “chisudzulo chinali chinthu chabwino koposa chimene chinandichitikirapo,” kugogomezera ulendo wawo wodzipeza okha ndi chisangalalo pambuyo pa kupatukana.

Ziwerengero za chisangalalo pambuyo pa kusudzulana zikusonyeza kuti akazi 67% ndi amuna 59% amakhala osangalala zaka ziwiri pambuyo pa kusudzulana. Ndiye kodi anthu amakhala osangalala pambuyo pa kusudzulana ? Ngakhale palibe yankho lenileni la funsoli, zomwe zikuchitikazi zikusonyeza kuti poyamba msewu ukhoza kukhala wovuta koma nthawi zambiri kutsogolo kuli chiyembekezo chabwino.

2. Konzaninso malingaliro anu

• “Kodi mkazi wanga wakale adzanong’oneza bondo kuti anasudzulana n’kubwereranso kwa ine?”
• "Kodi mwamuna wanga wakale angafune kuyanjananso?"
• “Kodi okwatirana akale amasoŵana?”

Ngati mafunso otere akukuvutitsani, ndi chizindikiro chakuti mukuona kusudzulana kwanu ngati umboni wakuti munalephera muukwati. Ndi maganizo amenewa omwe muyenera kusintha kuti muthe kuchotsa chisoni chanu. Onani kusudzulana ndi kulephera kwa ubale wanu ngati njira yophunzirira.

Shazia analangiza kuti: “Kuthetsa chisoni kumayamba ndi kuthetsa kupatukana kapena kusudzulana.

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3. Pezani thandizo la akatswiri

Kaya mumakhumudwa ndi malingaliro oti muyanjanenso naye kapena kumubweza pambuyo pa chisudzulo, kapena mukuganiza kuti, "Kodi ndidzakhala ndekha kwamuyaya pambuyo pa chisudzulo?", ndi chizindikiro kuti muyenera kuyang'anira machiritso anu. Kuti tithe kuthana ndi malingaliro okhudza kutha kwa banja ndikuchoka pamalingaliro monga, "Kodi akazi amanong'oneza bondo chifukwa chakusudzulana? Kodi mkazi wanga wakale adzanong'oneza bondo? Kodi abwereranso?" kapena "Kodi mwamuna wanga wakale amandisowa? Kodi angafune kubwererana?", Muyenera kuchita nawo chithandizo kapena uphungu.

Psychology yachisoni yachisudzulo imatsimikizira phindu lalikulu la chithandizo cha akatswiri pakuyendetsa nthawi yovutayi. “Kuti mupirire, kuchiritsa, ndi kupitirizabe m’moyo, mufunikira kukhala wokhoza kuwona kuti palibe chimene chiri mapeto a dziko ndi kuona chisudzulo chanu monga chiyambi chatsopano.” Katswiri wophunzitsidwa bwino wa zamaganizo ndi wodziŵa zambiri angakuthandizeni kufika pakuzindikira mwakuthupi,” akutero Shazia.

Ngati mukukumana ndi mavuto oti mudandaule mutasudzulana ndipo mukuganiza zopeza thandizo, alangizi aluso komanso ovomerezeka omwe ali pagulu la Bonobology ali pano kuti akuthandizeni.

4. Ikani ndalama podzitukumula

Kusudzulana kungapereke mwayi wosayembekezereka wa kukula kwaumwini. "Kuti muthe kupindula kwambiri ndi kuyang'ana siliva muzinthu zomwe zingathe kuwona mtambo wakuda kwambiri, muyenera kuika patsogolo kudzisamalira. Kusamalira zosowa zanu zazikulu zakuthupi ndi zamaganizo kumathandiza kwambiri kuti muchiritse," akulangiza motero Shazia.

Kaya mukuvutika ndi mavuto okhudzana ndi kusudzulana kapena kukayikira zomwe mwasankha, kuganizira nokha kungakuthandizeni kuganiziranso chifukwa chomwe mwasankhira kutuluka muukwati wanu. Nazi njira zina zomwe mungathandizire kukula kwanu kuti umunthu wanu usagwirizane ndi mfundo yakuti munasudzulana:

• Khalani ndi zokonda zatsopano
• Konzani luso
• Samalirani thanzi lathupi mwa kudya bwino komanso kuchita masewera olimbitsa thupi nthawi zonse
• Yesetsani kulemba nkhani ndi kulingalira kuti mukhale ndi thanzi labwino

5. Khalani okhululuka

Kusunga liwongo pambuyo pa kusudzulana sikwachilendo, koma ndikofunika kukumbukira kuti zolakwa ndi zolakwa zimatipanga kukhala anthu. Mwina munachitapo kanthu kuti ubale wanu ukhale wovuta, choncho muyenera kukhala ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wakale koma ndikofunikira kuti musamabwereze zomwezo m'maganizo mwanu, ndikudzifunsa ngati zinthu zikanayenda mosiyana mutachita izi kapena simunachite izi.

"Kuti muthane ndi chisoni, muyenera kupewa mlandu . Musamaike munthu aliyense amene sakumvetsa mavuto a m'banja, kuphatikizapo inuyo. Kudzikhululukira nokha kumalimbikitsa kuchira ndipo kungakhale kofunika kwambiri kuti banja lanu lipitirire patsogolo mutasudzulana," akutero Shazia.

6. Dzizungulireni ndi chikondi ndi chithandizo

Chisudzulo mosakayika ndi chimodzi mwazochitika zowawa kwambiri pamoyo; mumafunika kukhazikika m'malingaliro ndi kudzimva kukhala wokhazikika kuti mudutse popanda kuwononga thanzi lanu lamalingaliro ndi thupi. Okondedwa anu angakupatseni kukhazikika kumeneko ndi kudzimva kuti ndinu wofunika. Choncho, dalirani pa iwo kuti akuthandizeni.

• Muzicheza ndi banja lanu
• Lankhulani ndi anzanu apamtima ndikutulutsa zakukhosi kwanu
• Musazengereze kupempha thandizo la mayendedwe mukafuna

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7. Ganizirani zomwe mungachite musanaganizire zoyanjanitsa

Kodi akazi amanong'oneza bondo chifukwa cha kusudzulana kotero kuti akufuna kukonzanso ukwati wawo? Kodi abambo amayembekezera chiyanjanitso pambuyo pa kusudzulana? Yankho la mafunso onse aŵiriŵa lingakhale inde ngati chisonicho chili chokulirapo ndipo munthu ali wotsimikiza kuti anathetsa ukwati wawo msanga. Komabe, monga momwe chigamulo cha kusudzulana sichiyenera kupangidwa mopupuluma, chisankho choyanjanitsanso sichiyenera kupangidwa mopepuka.

Ngati kudandaula kumabweretsa malingaliro oyanjanitsa, choyamba, funsani uphungu wazamalamulo kuti chigamulochi chikhale chotani komanso ngati chingakhale choyenera kwa inu kapena ayi. Ngati mungaganize zopita mumsewuwu, onetsetsani kuti,

• Pitirizani nazo pokhapokha ngati palibe chokwiyira kapena chakukhosi kwa wakale wanu
• Kambiranani zoyembekeza ndi malire momveka bwino ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wakale
• Tengani pang'onopang'ono, ndipo musalumphe ndi mapazi onse awiri
• Chitengeni ngati a ubale watsopano pambuyo pa chisudzulo, kuchita zinthu pang’onopang’ono
• Pezani thandizo la akatswiri kuti musiye machitidwe olakwika akale

Ngakhale kuti n’kwachibadwa kuda nkhawa kuti n’ngonong’oneza bondo m’kati mwa vuto la m’zaka zapakati pa moyo kapena kuipidwa ndi kutha kwa banja loyamba, chiyembekezo chodzakhala ndi moyo wathanzi ndi wachimwemwe chimakhalabe chotheka. Kupyolera mu zigamba zowawa, kumbukirani kuti maanja ambiri adayenda pamadzi awa ndikutuluka mwamphamvu. Njirayo ingawoneke ngati yotsetsereka, koma kukwera kungakhale koyenera.

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Chopereka chanu sichikutanthauza chopereka chachifundo . Chidzalola Bonobology kupitiliza kukubweretserani chidziwitso chatsopano komanso chaposachedwa poyesetsa kuthandiza aliyense padziko lonse lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.

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