Mukadzalowa m’banja, mumafuna kuti chithe mpaka kalekale. Koma zinthu zingapo zimasokonekera kwambiri, mwamuna wanu amasokoneza kwambiri, ndipo mumadzipeza mukuyesera kukonza zinthu. Koma mumadabwa ngati mwamuna wanu amamvanso chimodzimodzi. Kenako mumayamba kuyang'ana zizindikiro zilizonse zomwe mwamuna wanu akufuna kupulumutsa banja. Mukufuna kudziwa ngati ali wokonzeka kukonza zolakwa zake.
Malinga ndi kafukufuku waposachedwa wa Clark University of Emerging Adults , 86% ya anthu aku America oposa chikwi chimodzi azaka zapakati pa 18 ndi 29 amayembekezera kuti maukwati awo azikhala moyo wawo wonse. Ndipo inunso mumatero. Ngakhale zinthu zonse zitayamba kusokonekera, mumaganiza zonse zomwe zingatheke kuti mupulumutse ukwati ku chisudzulo. Koma kodi mwamuna wanu nayenso akufuna zimenezo?
Kuti tidziwe ngati ali ndi mtima wodzipereka ngati inu, komanso ngati n'zotheka kupulumutsa ukwati womwe uli pafupi kusudzulana, tinalankhula ndi Ridhi Golechha (MA Psychology), yemwe ndi katswiri pa uphungu wa maukwati opanda chikondi, kusweka kwa ukwati, ndi nkhani zina zaubwenzi. Iye anati, “Ukwati uliwonse ndi ubale uliwonse ukhoza kupulumutsidwa ngati onse awiri ali okonzeka kuchita ntchitoyo.” Tiyeni tiwone komwe mwamuna wanu alili pankhaniyi.
Kodi banja lanu liyenera kupulumutsidwa?
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
Kodi ndikhale, kuyesetsa kwambiri, kapena tizikoka pulagi? Kodi ukwati wanga womwe ukulephera ungapulumutsidwe ngakhale kuti takambirana za kupatukana? Pali njira zambiri zofunsira funso ili. Yankho ndi limodzi. Inde, ukwati ukhoza kupulumutsidwa, ngakhale pamene utatha. Chomwe chimafunika ndikuwona kufunika mtsogolo mwaubwenzi wanu ndikuwonetsa kudzipereka kwa 100% pakuchita machiritso.
Kukhala mu ukwati wopanda chikondi kungakhale kotopetsa maganizo. Dana Adam Shapiro m'buku lake la 2012, You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married , analemba kuti 17% yokha ya mabanja ndi okhutira ndi okondedwa awo. Ena onse akungosintha okha chifukwa cha mavuto azachuma, manyazi a anthu, kapena chifukwa cha ana. Ndicho chifukwa chake, muyenera kuwunika moona mtima komwe ubale wanu uli. Mutha kutenga funso ili la "Am I In An Unhappy Marriage?" kuti mudziwe.
Ridhi nayenso anati, “Muyenera kuganizira zopulumutsa ukwati ngati pali chikondi pakati pa anthu awiri. Ngati munthu m'modzi sakumva chimodzimodzi, ndiye kuti palibe chifukwa chopulumutsira ukwati kuti usasweke. Chikondi chikatha, simungapemphe kapena kukakamiza wina kuti akhale nanu. Mutha kumanga mlatho pokhapokha ngati pali chikondi komanso kufunikira kwakukulu komanso chikhumbo chothana ndi vutoli ndikukhala limodzi.”
Ndiye mwamuna wanu akamanena kuti ali pa tsamba limodzi ndi inu, mumatsimikiza bwanji? Kodi mumadziwa bwanji kuti ndi bwino kugwiritsa ntchito nthawi ndi mphamvu zanu zonse kuti mukonze zolakwika zilizonse? Mumayamba kuyang'ana zizindikiro zonse zomwe zimakupatsani lingaliro la kudzipereka kwa mwamuna wanu.
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9 Zizindikiro Zofunika Zomwe Mwamuna Wanu Akufuna Kupulumutsa Ukwati
Tinene kuti inu ndi mwamuna wanu munakambiranapo. Madandaulo aulutsidwa ndipo malonjezo aperekedwa. Tsopano chiyani? Mukudabwa ngati wasinthadi chifukwa matumbo anu amakuuzani kuti mwina sanasinthe. Mutha kuyang'ana zizindikiro mnzanuyo amasamala za ubale wanu pazifukwa zambiri zomwe talemba pansipa.
- Mumaona zizolowezi kapena khalidwe lake kukhala lodetsa nkhawa ndipo samawoneka kuti akusintha ngakhale mutakambirana zambiri
- Mwangopeza kuti wakhala akukunamiza, kapena kuwongolera ndi kuwongolera inu
- Munapeza kuti wakhala akuchita zibwenzi kunja kwa banja
- Sanatengelepo mbali m’kulela ana
- Iye wakhala akunyalanyaza zosowa zanu
Mutha kupindula ndi mndandanda wazizindikiro zomwe takupatsani, kuti muwone zoyesayesa za mwamuna wanu pa inu ndi ubalewu.
1. Ali tcheru ndikuchitapo kanthu kachiwiri
Ridhi akuti, "Ndi chimodzi mwa zizindikiro zomwe mwamuna wanu akufuna kukonza ukwati wanu wosweka pamene ayamba kumvetsera kwambiri. Amamvetsera zonse zomwe mukunena. Amatsimikizira malingaliro anu, malingaliro anu, ndi ziweruzo zanu. Iye ali wokhudzidwa kwambiri mu ubale wanu kachiwiri. Adzayamba kukambirana nanu za zinthu zomwe poyamba ankaziwona kukhala zosalolera. Kapena ayamba kukumana nanu pakatikati."
Kodi akuyesera kulankhula nanu kwambiri? Kodi amabwera kunyumba kuchokera kuntchito kuti akacheze nanu? Kodi amayesetsa kugawana nanu ntchitoyo? Kodi amamvetsera bwino mukamalankhula za momwe mukumvera? Kodi amasonyeza kuti amasamala? Ngati mwamuna wanu ndi ameneyo, mutha kukhala otsimikiza kuti akufuna kuti ukwatiwo ukhale wabwino.
2. Akuyankha mlandu
Ngati mnzanu wachita chinachake cholakwika kukukhumudwitsani monga kukusalemekezani, kukukalipirani, kapena kuswa chidaliro chanu, ndiye kuti kupepesa mowona mtima ndi kutenga udindo wa kuika ukwati pachiswe ndi chimodzi mwa zizindikiro zomwe mwamuna wanu akufuna kupulumutsa banja. Izi ndizofunikira makamaka populumutsa banja pambuyo pa chibwenzi.
Pambuyo pa chibwenzi, mwamuna wanu sayenera kungoyankha ndikupepesa, koma kukhala mwamuna wabwinoko pokupatsani nthawi yochuluka yomwe mukufunikira kuti mugwirizane ndi zakale. Asamakukakamizeni kuti mumukhululukire kapena kupitiriza. Chizindikiro chabwino ndicho ngati apepesa mokhwima ndi kusonyeza kuti ndi wokonzeka kuvomereza zilizonse zimene zingachitike chifukwa cha zochita zake.
Pofotokoza kufunika kokhala ndi udindo muubwenzi , Ridhi akuti, "Mukamayesetsa kupulumutsa ukwati womwe ukutha, padzakhala zoyesayesa zolephera mbali zonse ziwiri kapena ziwiri. Mwachitsanzo, chinthu chachikulu monga chinyengo sichingakhululukidwe ndi kuiwalika usiku wonse. Zimatenga nthawi yambiri kuti muchiritse kusakhulupirika. Pakadali pano, kungodziwa kuti mwamuna wanu akuvomereza kulakwitsa kwake ndi chimodzi mwa njira zoyamba zopulumutsira ukwati pambuyo pa chibwenzi."
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3. Akuyesera kumanganso ubwenzi
Timatanganidwa kwambiri ndi moyo wathu nthawi zina kuti timayiwala kukulitsa chikondi chomwe tili nacho kwa anzathu. Tikapeza nthawi yokhala nawo limodzi, timazindikira kuti moto watha. Ngakhale kupanga chikondi n'kofunika, n'kofunikanso kumanganso ubwenzi wamtundu uliwonse kuti tithetse kutha kwa ubale.
Jessica, katswiri wodziwa bwino ntchito zodzoladzola ku New York, anati, "Tinachita zinthu zambiri kuti tipulumutse ukwati wathu. Chimodzi mwa izo chinali kukonzanso ubale wapamtima , makamaka wapamtima, wamaganizo, komanso wamaganizo. Tinayamba kudya chakudya chimodzi patsiku limodzi, tinakulitsa luso lathu lomvetsera, ndipo tinayesetsa nthawi zonse kuti tikhale ndi ubale wapamtima. Tinayesa zinthu zatsopano pabedi, tinagwira ntchito zapakhomo pamodzi, ndipo tinayesetsa kuthetsa mavuto athu mwamtendere."
Mwina munadzifunsapo kuti, “Kodi n’kofunika kwambiri kuti ndisinthe kuti ndipulumutse banja langa?” Jessica ananena kuti iye ndi mwamuna wake anayang’ana zimene zili mumtima mwawo ndipo anasintha n’kuyamba kusintha. “Mwamuna wanga anadzisintha yekha kuti apulumutse ukwati wathu, inenso ndinasintha. Palibe cholakwika chilichonse ndi kusintha zinthu zing’onozing’ono zokhudza munthu amene umamukonda.
4. Amaphunzira chinenero chanu chachikondi
Buku lakuti The Five Love Languages lolembedwa ndi Dr. Gary Chapman lingakhale limodzi mwa mabuku ofunikira kwambiri pankhani yopulumutsa ukwati likagwiritsidwa ntchito mwanzeru. Malinga ndi bukuli, pali mitundu isanu ya njira zomwe anthu amalankhulirana chikondi chawo, zomwe ndi: mawu otsimikizira, ntchito zotumikira, kulandira mphatso, nthawi yabwino, komanso kukhudza thupi. Inu ndi mnzanu mukakhala ndi zilankhulo zosiyana za chikondi , mumasonyeza ndi kutanthauzira chikondi m'njira zosiyanasiyana.
Kafukufuku wachitika wokhudza momwe kuphunzira zilankhulo za chikondi za wina ndi mnzake kumathandizira kuti okwatirana akhale okhutira mwa kukhazikitsa kulankhulana kogwira mtima. Kusanthula kumeneku kunawonetsa kuti ophunzira omwe adagwiritsa ntchito zilankhulo zachikondi zomwe okondedwa awo amakonda anali ndi maubwenzi ambiri komanso kukhutira ndi kugonana.
Ngati onse awiri asonyeza chikondi mmene winayo akumvera, zimasonyeza kudzipereka kwanu kuti ubwenziwo ukhale wolimba. Chotero, ngati mwamuna wanu akusonyeza chikondi chake kwa inu ponse paŵiri m’chinenero chanu ndi chachikondi chake, chiwoneni ngati chizindikiro chodziŵika bwino chimene mwamuna wanu akupanga kuyesetsa kukonza unansi wanu wovuta.
5. Amalankhula za mtsogolo ndi chiyembekezo chachikulu
Mwamuna akakhala ndi cisudzulo m’maganizo mwake, sakamba za m’tsogolo monga mmene amacitila poyamba. Anthu amakonda kusautsa zinthu zomwe sanapatsidwe ndalama. Choncho, ngati zinthu sizili bwino, simudzamva mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu akukambirana nanu za kugula nyumba, kukhala ndi ana, sukulu yoti atumize ana, kapena kukonzekera tchuthi ndi inu.
Koma pamene nthawi ikupita ndikuwona kusintha kwabwino mu malingaliro amenewo, pakhoza kukhala chiyembekezo, pambuyo pake. Ridhi akuti, “Ngati poyamba ankakana kunena motsimikiza za tsogolo lanu la ukwati, koma tsopano akulankhula ndi chiyembekezo chachikulu, ndiye kuti akuyesayesadi kupulumutsa ukwati umene unali kutha.
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6. Iye akupanga malo abwino kwa ana
Simunaganizirepo za izi pamene munayamba kuchitirana nkhanza. Koma pamene mikangano inkawonjezeka, munayamba kuona kusintha kwa khalidwe la ana anu. Si chinsinsi kuti ngati makolo achita mikangano nthawi zambiri, zimakhudza kwambiri ana. Malinga ndi kafukufuku , mikangano yofala pakati pa makolo imakhudzana ndi mavuto ambiri a khalidwe mwa ana monga nkhanza, kusagwirizana, ndi kusokonezeka kwa khalidwe.
Ridhi anati: “Makhalidwe oipa ndi oipa kwa ana. Iye akuwonjezera kuti, “Komabe, pamene mwamuna ayesa kukonzekeretsa inu ndi ana malo abwinoko, kulemekeza thanzi lanu lamaganizo ndiko ndithudi njira imodzi yopulumutsira ukwati uli pafupi ndi chisudzulo.”
Kodi wakhala akuonetsetsa kuti akulankhulana madandaulo mwaulemu? Kodi wakhala akupatsa ana nthawi yake yambiri komanso chisamaliro chake? Kodi akuyesetsa kwambiri kusamalira zosowa zawo? Kodi amagawana ntchito zapakhomo ndi ntchito zosamalira ana mosavuta, monga kupezeka pamisonkhano ya PTA, kutenga nawo mbali pa moyo wa ana anu, mabwenzi, zosangalatsa, maphunziro, ndi zina zotero? Ngati zili choncho, muyenera kupeza chiyembekezo mu khalidweli.
7. Ali ndi malingaliro a timu
Maganizo ogwirizana nthawi zonse amathandiza kupulumutsa ukwati ku chisudzulo. Ndi chimodzi mwa zizindikiro za ubale wapamtima muubwenzi . Chimaphatikizapo makhalidwe awa:
- Kudziwa kuti ndi "ife" osati "ine"
- Kufunsana maganizo ndi maganizo awo
- Kukhazikitsa ziyembekezo zenizeni
- Kupanga zisankho limodzi
- Kukulitsa zikhalidwe zogawana ndi kulemekeza zomwe zimasiyana
- Kufunsana mafunso komanso kufuna kudziwana
- Osayesa kubera abwenzi ndi abale
Ridhi akugawana kuti, "Maganizo a gulu mu chiyanjano ndi ofunika kwambiri. Awiri a inu mumagwira ntchito limodzi kuti mukwaniritse cholinga chimodzi, chomwe chiri kukwaniritsa ukwati wokhazikika ndi wogwirizana. Inu ndi mwamuna wanu mungayese kupulumutsa ukwati pambuyo pa chibwenzi, mwachitsanzo, polimbana ndi nkhaniyi monga gulu. "
8. Akudzinenera yekha
Ngati mukufuna kuti zinthu ziyende bwino, muyenera kumupatsa mwayi woti asinthe zinthu m'njira yodalirika komanso yeniyeni, mutha kumupatsa mwayi woti atsimikizire kuti ndi iye. Pa mabanja ambiri, mawu ndi zochita sizigwirizana. Koma mwamuna wanu akachita zomwe akunena, ndiye kuti ndi njira imodzi yokhalira mwamuna wabwino.
Mal, wojambula nyimbo wazaka za m’ma 30, anati: “Ndinaona kuti chinachake sichili bwino pamene tinasiya kucheza ndi anzathu n’kumangoganizira za ntchito zathu.
“Mwamwayi, sikuti anangoyesera kudzisintha kuti apulumutse ukwati wathu, koma anaonetsetsa kuti inenso ndichite chimodzimodzi.” Iye ananena kuti ankafuna kukonza zinthu ndipo ananditsimikizira kuti ubwenzi wathu ndi wofunika kulimbana nawo.
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9. Akugwira ntchito pa iye yekha
Ridhi anati, “Ndi chizindikiro chabwino pamene mnzanu wayamba kudzisamalira. Ngati mwamuna wanu ali ndi vuto la mkwiyo ndipo akumwa mankhwala, ndiye kuti akuyesera kupulumutsa ukwatiwu ngakhale zitakhala zovuta bwanji. Kukonza ukwati kungatenge nthawi yambiri. Mayesero ndi zolakwika zidzachitika. Ngati mumakonda mwamuna wanu ndipo mukufuna kuti ubalewo upitirire, muthandizeni paulendo wake wopita patsogolo.”
Zitsanzo zina zomwe mwamuna wanu akudzipangira yekha ndi:
- Amaphatikiza malingaliro anu pafupipafupi mumayendedwe ake
- Iye amamasuka ndi moona mtima za mmene akumvera
- Sachita manyazi ndi zokambirana zovuta
- Amadziwa kumenya nkhondo mwachilungamo
- Iye akugwira ntchito pa zosatetezeka zake
- Ndiwokonzeka kukhala pachiwopsezo
Ndiye, Chotsatira ndi Chiyani?
Chotero tsopano mukudziwa ngati muli ndi chichirikizo cha mwamuna wanu m’kukonza vuto la m’banja. Mwina mumawona zizindikiro zosonyeza kuti zinthu zikuyenda bwino kapena zizindikiro kuti ukwati wanu watha. Tsopano mukudziwa ngati ukwati wanu ukhoza kupulumutsidwa kapena ngati nonse muyenera kuika mphamvu zanu pa machiritso ndi kupita patsogolo. Kutengera ndi yankho lanu, masitepe otsatirawa ayenera kukhala awa:
- Ngati pali chiyembekezo: Mukazindikira kuti mwamuna wanu ali ndi ndalama zambiri monga momwe mukuchitira kukonza ubale, khalani pambali ndi nthawi yokhazikitsa malamulo oyambira ndi zina. malire abwino. Onetsetsani kuti inu ndi mnzanu mukulankhulana nthawi zonse. Anthu okwatirana ambiri amakonda kucheza limodzi. Ndikulangizidwanso kuti mukapeze chithandizo kwa chipatala cha mabanja kapena mlangizi wa mabanja kuti adziwe zomwe zimayambitsa kusamvana kwanu ndikuphunzira njira zabwino zothetsera kusamvana.
- Pamene kuli bwino kusiyana njira: Sibwino kusweka mtima mutazindikira kuti ukwati wanu sungathe kupulumutsidwa. Dzipatseni nthawi kuti mumve chisoni. Pemphani chichirikizo kwa achibale ndi mabwenzi. Lolani kudzisamalira kuti mukhale olimba m'malingaliro musanatenge sitepe yotsatira. Pamenepanso, kuonana ndi mlangizi wopatukana ngati banja kungathandize kuonetsetsa kuti kulekana kapena kusudzulana kumakhala kosavuta kwa nonse. Thandizo laumwini lingakuthandizeni kuthana ndi kusintha kwakukulu
Tikufuna kubwerezanso kuti kulekanitsa kapena ayi, uphungu waukadaulo ukhoza kukhala wothandiza kwambiri popita patsogolo kapena kupitiliza. Ngati mukufuna thandizo limenelo, gulu la alangizi odziwa bwino ntchito a Bonobology lili pano kuti likuthandizeni.
Zolozera Mfungulo
- Banja ndi lofunika kulikonza ngati onse awiri akuona tsogolo lawo, ndipo amadziona kuti ndi odzipereka kuchita khama
- Lingalirani zopulumutsa banja pamene pali kudalirana, chikondi, ndi ulemu zotsalira mu chiyanjano
- Ngati mwamuna wanu watenga umwini wa zochita zake, ngati akuyesera kumanganso ubwenzi ndi kukhulupirirana, ndipo akufuna kukambirana za tsogolo lanu limodzi, izi ndi zina mwa zizindikiro zabwino zomwe akufuna kuthandizira pa ubale wanu.
- Inu ndi mnzanu mutha kugwirira ntchito limodzi popereka 100% yanu kubanja, kulankhulana mwaulemu, ndikuyankha pamavuto.
- Maukwati amene ali m’mavuto angathetsedwe ndi kaonedwe kaukatswiri ndi malangizo a mlangizi wa mabanja
Ukwati ndi ntchito yovuta. Zinthu zimatha kukhala zovuta pazifukwa zosiyanasiyana. Ngati zili ngati kusamvana komanso kusamvetsetsana, ndiye kuti banja lanu lingakhale lofunika kupulumutsidwa. Koma izi sizikutanthauza kuti muyenera kupirira nkhanza, kuyatsa gasi, ndi kuperekedwa kapena bwenzi lopanda chidwi. Ngati simukufuna kupulumutsa ubale wanu, zili bwino. Tili pafupi nanu kulikonse komwe moyo ukupita. Simuli nokha!
Nkhaniyi idasinthidwa mu Marichi 2023.
Ibibazo
Inde. Banja lirilonse liyenera kupulumutsidwa ndipo likhoza kupulumutsidwa malinga ngati okwatiranawo akuchitirana chifundo ndi chifundo, ndi kupatsana mpata. Simungathe kupulumutsa banja losweka ngati pali kusakhulupirirana ndi kutsutsidwa kosalekeza.
Pokhapokha ngati pali kachitidwe ka nkhanza, sikunachedwe kukonza zinthu. Zonse zimatengera momwe inu ndi mnzanuyo mukufunira kudzipereka paubwenziwu. Ngati m’modzi afuna kupatsa zonse ndipo wina satero, ndiye kuti sizingapulumutsidwe. Sizokhudza nthawi kapena kukula kwa chikondi. Zonse zimadalira kuchuluka kwa khama ndi kulolera zomwe mukulolera kuti mupulumutse banja lanu.
Banja limakhala m’mavuto likayamba kumva ngati chitoliro, pakakhala chigololo, pakakhala mavuto azachuma kapena kulera ana. Ngati mwakhala mukulakalaka kupulumutsa banja, yang'anani zizindikiro zomwe zimakuuzani kuti nonse inu ndi mnzanuyo mumamva kuti muli otanganidwa muubwenzi komanso kuti mukuwona tsogolo limodzi.
"Mwamuna Wanga Amatanthauzira Molakwika Zonse Zomwe Ndikunena" - Malangizo 17 Okuthandizani
Chopereka chanu sichikutanthauza chopereka chachifundo . Chidzalola Bonobology kupitiliza kukubweretserani chidziwitso chatsopano komanso chaposachedwa poyesetsa kuthandiza aliyense padziko lonse lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.
Mwamuna wanga ali pachibwenzi ndi mnzanga wantchito. Iye ndi bwana wake ndipo amakana kumuchotsa chifukwa akuti akhoza kusunga bizinesi yake tsopano. Sindikumva kuti titha kuchiritsa popanda munthu wokondana naye m'miyoyo yathu. Amuna anga amagwira ntchito kuseri kwa kwathu kotero ndimamuwona tsiku lililonse, ndipo amasamutsa ana ake kusukulu ya ana anga. Ali m'mbali zonse za moyo wanga- zinali zochulukira kwa ine kuti ndisamachite amafuna kuti iye m'miyoyo yathu akhale ndi mtendere ndi banja langa mwamwayi kwa ine ndidawona positi ya dona yemwe akufuna mumkhalidwe womwewo ngati wanga amalankhula za momwe adathandizidwa ndi chikondi spell by solution temple.