17 Izimpawu Ezibulalayo Zomuntu Ongavuthiwe Kanye Nendlela Yokubhekana Nazo

Uma wake wazizwa sengathi uthandana nengane yendoda, uyazi ukuthi lokhu kungakhungathekisa futhi kukhathaze kangakanani. Mhlawumbe uzithola uphinda uthatha amasokisi akhe angcolile ngenkathi enamathele kumdlalo wevidiyo, noma uhlala uxolisa egameni lakhe lapho ekhipha intukuthelo encane. Awuwedwa neze ohlangabezana nalokhu. Ngokudabukisayo, izimpawu zendoda engavuthiwe zibonakala ebudlelwaneni obuningi kakhulu. Thatha, isibonelo, lona wesifazane kuReddit , okhala ngokuthi, “Isoka lami alenzi lutho endlini, alinaso isifiso sokuvelela, futhi ngizizwa njengonina.”

Uma ubhajwe kulolo shintsho, kulula ukuzizwa njengomzali kunokuba umlingani. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ukungavuthwa ngokomzwelo kukhula kusukela ekubeni yinto ecasulayo kuya ekubeni umbulali wobudlelwano. Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi umlingani ongavuthwa ngokomzwelo angalimaza injabulo yakho. I-Gottman Institute ixwayisa ngokuthi amadoda noma amasoka angavuthwanga avame ukudala ukucindezeleka okukhulu kobudlelwano, okuholela emizweni yokungajabuli ngisho nokucindezeleka.

Kungakho kubalulekile ukuhlonza izimpawu zokungavuthwa ngokomzwelo endodeni bese uthola ukuthi yini ongayenza, uphelelwe wukuqeda izinto nokuhamba, uma uzithola usebudlelwaneni obunjalo. Kulesi sihloko, sikhanyisela izimpawu ezibulalayo ze-17 zendoda engakavuthwa kanye nendlela yokubhekana nayo, esekelwe ukuqonda okuvela ochwepheshe bezengqondo, ochwepheshe, nabesifazane abaye baba ezicathulweni zakho. 

Iqhaza Lokuvuthwa Ebudlelwaneni

Kungani ukuvuthwa kubaluleke kangaka othandweni? Kalula nje, umlingani ovuthiwe udala isisekelo sobudlelwano obuzinzile, obunothando kanti ongavuthiwe angaguqula impilo yakho ibe yi-rollercoaster engokomzwelo. Ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo kungaphezu kweminyaka yobudala; yikhono lokuphatha imizwa, ukuxhumana ngokukhululekile, kanye nokuzibophezela ngezenzo zomuntu. Esimeni sothando, lokhu kuhumusha ukwethembana, inhlonipho, nokuzinza. 

Umeluleki wemibhangqwana uSamantha Burns uyachaza, “Ukungavuthwa ngokomzwelo kungabonisa ukuntuleka kokujula nokuqonda ngemizwa yakho, ukungakwazi ukuxhumana nokucubungula izinto ezihlobene nobudlelwano, kanye nokuntuleka kozwela nekhono lokuqonda okuhlangenwe nakho komlingane wakho ngokomzwelo.”

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo kwakha ukwethembana, ukuphepha, nokuxhumana okujulile. Umelaphi u-Tya Camellia Stone, LMFT, uthi, "Isibikezelo sokuqala sempumelelo kunoma yibuphi ubuhlobo ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo." Lapho bobabili abantu sebevuthiwe, uzizwa ulondeke ngokwanele ukuba ube sengozini. Niyazi ningathembela komunye nomunye. Izingxabano zisaqhubeka, kodwa ukhulume ngazo ngomoya ophansi futhi ufunde kuzo, esikhundleni sokuklabalasa noma ukubhaklaza iminyango.

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Ngokuphambene, ukungavuthwa kwehlisa izinto ezenza ubudlelwano busebenze. Indoda engavuthiwe ingase ikuthande ngendlela yayo, kodwa ikuthola kunzima ukukhombisa njengomlingani olinganayo. Angase athukuthelise okwengane phakathi nokungaboni ngaso linye noma ahoxe lapho ukuphila kuba nzima. Esikhundleni sezingxoxo ezithembekile nokusebenzisana kweqembu, uthola imidlalo yokusola, ukuqhuma kwemizwa, noma ukuthula okungamatshe. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, le nxushunxushu iqeda isibopho sakho. Kunzima ukuzizwa uphephile uma unomuntu ongase aqhume noma anyamalale kuwe noma nini lapho imizwa iphakama.

Ukungavuthwa nakho kukuphoqa ukuthi ungene ezindimeni ongakaze uzibhalisele. Ungase uzibambe “ungumzali” ebudlelwaneni, umkhumbuza ngezibopho eziyisisekelo, ukulamula izingxabano zakhe, noma ukubekezelela ukuziphatha okwaziyo ukuthi akwamukelekile. Abelaphi babhekisela kulokhu okuguquguqukayo njenge-Peter Pan syndrome, lapho umlingani oyedwa ebambelele ebusheni obungapheli. 

“Uma umlingani wakho kunguPeter Pan, ungase ube uWendy,” kubhala umelaphi uMarni Feuerman. Ungase ukhuthaze ukuziphatha ngokungazi ngokuthatha indima yomzali. Inkinga iwukuthi ukudlala umama kumlingani wakho kuyindlela yokuqeda ukutubeka nokucasuka. 

Ekugcineni, ukuvuthwa kuyisisekelo sobudlelwano obuhle . Kusho ukuthi ungathembela kumlingani wakho ukuthi acabangele imizwa yakho, asebenze njengeqembu, futhi abhekane nezinkinga zempilo ngomusa. Uma lokho kungekho, uthando alwanele ukuvala igebe. Izinkinga ezincane ziphenduka izigigaba ezinkulu. Ugcina uhamba phezu kwamagobolondo amaqanda, uzama njalo ukuvimbela ukuwohloka okulandelayo noma uzibuza ukuthi ucela okuningi yini. Kuyisimo esibuhlungu - kodwa ukuqaphela izimpawu ezibomvu kuyisinyathelo sokuqala esiya ekushintsheni.

17 Izimpawu Ezibulalayo Zomuntu Ongavuthiwe Ebudlelwaneni 

Ukuvuthwa komuntu, noma ukuntula kwakhe, kubonisa kuzo zonke izenzo zakhe. Ngakho-ke, izimpawu zendoda engavuthiwe azikwazi ukuhlala zifihlekile isikhathi eside kakhulu uma usothandweni nomunye. Uma uzithola uhlahle amehlo endleleni umlingani wakho enza ngayo noma umcele ukuthi "akhule" kaningi kakhulu, lalela. Ungase uqaphele ezinye noma eziningi zezimpawu zokungakhuli ngokomzwelo kumuntu wakho:

1. Uphila esikhathini samanje kuphela

Esinye sezibonakaliso ezivamile zokungavuthwa endodeni ukuntuleka kokuhlela ikusasa, kungaba ngomsebenzi wayo, ukuzinza kwezezimali, noma izigaba zobudlelwano . Ingase isuke emsebenzini iye komunye noma ingabi naso isifiso ngaphandle kwezinhlelo zempelasonto. Uzoqaphela ukuthi iyanqikaza ukuxoxa noma ukuzibekela imigomo efana nokuhlala ndawonye, ​​umshado, noma ngisho namaholide ezinyangeni ezizayo. Lesi simo sengqondo "sokuphila ngesikhathi" singazwakala sijabulisa ekuqaleni, kodwa kuba yinto ekhungathekisayo uma nizama ukwakha impilo ndawonye, ​​​​kodwa engekho.

Ezimweni eziningi, ukuntuleka kwezinhlelo zesikhathi esizayo kuhambisana nomthwalo wemfanelo omubi ekuphileni kwansuku zonke. Mhlawumbe usathembele kubazali noma kwabanye ukuze baphumelele ekuphileni. Uyazi ukuthi uyindoda engavuthiwe egijima ngokungenanjongo empilweni uma, 

• Ukhombisa ukuntula isifiso sokuvelela kanye nokuzabalaza ukubamba umsebenzi ozinzile noma indlela yomsebenzi
• Akakacabangi ngokulondoloza imali, ukuthenga umuzi, noma ukwenza ezinye izinqumo zezimali zabantu abadala
• Uphila ngendlela yokukhokha ukuze akhokhe noma ujabule ngokufuna ukusekelwa emndenini, kubangane, noma ngisho nophathina wakhe, njalo nje.
• Wenza amahlaya ngokuthi akakaze akhule noma uzibiza “ngomoya okhululekile” ukuze agweme imithwalo yemfanelo yabantu abadala

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2. Ukwesaba ukuzinikela

Ukwesaba ukuzibophezela kungenye yezimpawu ezinkulu zokungavuthwa ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni. Uzobona lokhu kwesaba ukuzibophezela ngokuziphatha kokugwema. Isibonelo, angashintsha indaba noma enze ihlaya uma nikhuluma ngezinhlelo zesikhathi esizayo njengombhangqwana. Angase abize izingxoxo ezingathi sína ngokuthi “idrama” noma athi, “Kungani singajabuli nje ngalokho esinakho manje?” Nakuba kunempilo ukungasheshi, indoda evuthiwe ngokomzwelo okungenani izovulekela ukuxoxa ngesiqondiso sobuhlobo. Nokho, leyo engavuthiwe iphatha ukuzibophezela njengesicupho. Lokhu kukushiya usesimweni sokungaqiniseki esingapheli, uzibuza ukuthi uchitha isikhathi sakho ngoba,

• Ugcina izinto zingacacile
• Angase athembise “ngolunye usuku” kodwa angalokothi athathe noma yisiphi isinyathelo ukuze afinyelele kukho
• Unochungechunge lobudlelwano obufushane esikhathini sakhe esidlule

3. Ukungazibophezeli kwezezimali kanye nokusebenzisa imali ngendlela engenangqondo

Esinye sezibonakaliso ezibulalayo ezingu-17 zomuntu ongavuthiwe yindlela aphatha ngayo izimali zakhe. Olunye uphawu ukusebenzisa imali engenamsebenzi: ukuthenga izinto zobuchwepheshe ezibizayo, izinto zikanokusho, noma ukuya emicimbini engaphezu kwamandla akhe, esikhundleni sokukhokha izikweletu noma ukonga izinto ezibalulekile. Ingabe umlingani wakho naye ushaya iholo lakhe kumathoyizi kanye nobusuku ngaphandle, ukuze aboleke imali yokuqasha? Ingabe uyakugwema ukwenza ibhajethi noma ukuqongelela izikweletu uma ethenga ngokungananazi? 

Khona-ke, yebo, ngokuqinisekile ubhekene nokuntuleka kokuvuthwa komlingani wakho. Lokhu kuziphatha okungenangqondo ngokwezimali kuvela ekuntuleni ukuzithiba nokubona kusengaphambili. Ukunganaki ngokwezimali akugcini nje ngokulimaza isikhwama sakhe semali, kuthinta wena kanye nokuqina kobudlelwano . Uma uhlala kufanele ummboze noma ungeke uthembele kuye ukuthi anikele ngokulinganayo, intukuthelo izokhula.

Abantu abadala abanomthwalo wemfanelo bayakuqonda ukuthi ukuphatha imali kuyingxenye yokwakha ikusasa. Ngokuphambene, insizwa engavuthiwe ingase ithi "YOLO" njengezaba zokuchitha futhi indiva imiphumela. Angase alindele ukuthi abanye bathathe ukuxega lapho esebenzise ngokweqile.

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4. Imizwa eguquguqukayo kanye nokuqhuma phakathi nezingxabano

Abantu abadala abavuthiwe bahlala bepholile ekungabonini ngaso linye, kodwa indoda engavuthiwe ivame ukulwa ingcolile noma iqhume ezindabeni ezincane. Uma umlingani wakho eba ngokungalindelekile, enenkani, noma eqonde ngqo phakathi nezingxabano, qaphela. Ukungakhuli ekungqubuzaneni kungase kubukeke sengathi, 

• Kumemeza
• Ukubizwa ngamagama
• Ephuma ngesivinini
• Ukuhlaselwa komuntu siqu 
• Ukuzivikela 

UFeuerman uthi: “Ukuba nengxoxo ezuzisayo nendoda engavuthiwe phakathi nengxabano kungase kube ubuqili. Ungathola ukuthi noma nini lapho uzama ukubhekana nokukhathazayo, uyazivikela noma aphenye umbhalo. Mhlawumbe uveza okuthile okuncane, njengokuthi “Kungicasule ukuthi ukhansele izinhlelo zethu ngomzuzu wokugcina”, futhi kungazelelwe usekubiza ngokuthi “uyahlanya” noma “uzwela kakhulu.” 

Omunye uRedditor uchaze lokhu ngokuthi “ukungafuni ukuyeka ukuba ‘olungile’ esimweni lapho ulimaze khona imizwa yomunye umuntu ungahlosile… ungavuthiwe futhi ucasula.” Esikhundleni sokulalela, umuntu ongavuthiwe uzophinda athi ulungile, noma ngabe kusho ukukulimaza. Kuwuphawu olubonakalayo lokungavuthwa ngokomzwelo lapho engakwazi ukuxoxa ngezinkinga ngokuthula futhi esikhundleni salokho aphendule yonke impikiswano ibe yindawo yokulwa.

5. Akalokothi axolise noma avume amaphutha

Umuntu omdala ophelele angathi, “Ngiyaxolisa, bengiphambukile.” Ngakolunye uhlangothi, indoda engavuthiwe ayilokothi ithathe icala. Uma indoda yakho yenqaba ukuxolisa ngobuqotho, noma okubi nakakhulu, iphendukela ekushintsheni icala , kuyisibonakaliso esibi kakhulu. UBurns uthi, “Umuntu ongavuthiwe ngokomzwelo cishe ngeke afune ukuvuma lapho ephambukile futhi angase azame nokubeka icala kwabanye.” Banezizathu eziningi ezilungele noma nini lapho kukhona iphutha labo.

Ngokwesibonelo, ake sithi ukhohlwe usuku lwakho lokuzalwa. Umlingani ovuthiwe angaxolisa kakhulu. Ongavuthiwe angase athi, “Awu, bekufanele ungikhumbuze. Akulona iphutha lami!” Noma uma ekuzwisa ubuhlungu, uyaphendula, “Uzwela kakhulu.” Engqondweni yakhe, kuhlale kuyiphutha lomunye umuntu, hhayi elakhe. 

Lokhu kushintshana kwecala kukushiya uzizwe ungezwakali futhi ukhungathekile ngoba imizwa yakho ayisebenzi. Ungase uqale ngisho nokungabaza ngokwakho, uzibuza ukuthi ingabe uyinkinga, kuyilapho eqinisweni, ugwema ukuziphendulela.

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6. Awukho umlando wobudlelwane obunenjongo besikhathi eside

Izimpawu zokungakhuli ngokomzwelo azibonakali nje endleleni indoda ephila ngayo esikhathini samanje, kodwa nasesikhathini sayo esidlule. Isici esisodwa esitshelayo umlando wobudlelwane bakhe. Ngabe uke waba nobudlelwano obuqinile, obuzibophezele obudlulele ngale kwesigaba se-honeymoon? Uma bonke ubudlelwano bakhe besikhathi esidlule bebuphila isikhashana noma bukha phezulu, bekungabonisa ukungavuthwa ngokomzwelo. Yebo, umlando wawo wonke umuntu uhlukile futhi ukungabi nomuntu othandana naye wesikhathi eside akulona icala. Kodwa uma esekhulile futhi ngokuziqhenya ememezela ukuthi akakaze “aboshwe” noma ekhuluma ngama-ex ngokudelela okuphelele, lokho kumayelana. Nasi isizathu:

• Wonke ama-ex "ayahlanya": Lapho wonke umlingani wangaphambili echazwa njengohlanya, ukunamathela, noma iphutha, lokho ifulegi elibomvu. Abantu abavuthiwe ngokomzwelo ababadeleli bonke abantu bakudala; indoda engavuthiwe yenza lokhu ukuze igweme ukuqaphela indima yayo ekuhlukaneni
• Azikho izibopho zesikhathi eside: Akakaze abe sebudlelwaneni obathatha isikhathi esingaphezu kwezinyanga ezimbalwa, noma uhlala njalo ngokujwayelekile "ukujola" ngaphandle kwenhloso yokuzibophezela. Kungase kubonise ukuthi uzokhipha ibheyili uma izinto zidinga umsebenzi noma ukujula
• Ukuntuleka kokukhula ngokomzwelo: Uma ubuza ukuthi ufundeni ebuhlotsheni obudlule, udweba okungenalutho noma unikeza ihlaya. Akufiki kuye ukuthi ahlole amaphethini noma imizwa yakhe. Lokhu kuntuleka kokuzihlolisisa kusho ukuthi kungenzeka aphinde amaphutha afanayo

7. Ukuzicabangela wena kanye nokuziphatha okuzazisayo

Ingabe kuzwakala sengathi umhlaba uzungeza kuye? Amadoda angakakhuli ajwayele ukuzicabangela kakhulu. Angase abonise isithakazelo esincane sangempela emicabangweni noma emizweni yakho, kunalokho abuyisele yonke ingxoxo kuye. Izidingo zakho zivame ukuthatha indawo engemuva ngoba ubeka phambili ukunethezeka kwakhe nokuzigqaja ngaso sonke isikhathi. 

Ngokwengqondo, lokhu kungafana nokuthambekela kokuzikhukhumeza, kodwa ngisho nangaphandle kokuxilongwa, kuyakhathaza ngokomzwelo ukuthandana nomuntu ozicabangela yena yedwa. Umlingani ozicabangela yena yedwa angase,

• Ukukuphazamisa njalo
• Yenza izinqumo unilaterally
• Uphatheke kabi uma engeyena umuntu ohamba phambili
• Ukuntula uzwela
• Yiba nesidingo esicindezelayo sokuwina futhi wamukelwe

Isibonelo, uma uphumelele noma ukugqama, esikhundleni sokujabula ngawe, angase azizwe esongelwa noma ecasukile. Angase azame nokuhlanganisa izindaba zakho noma abuyisele emuva nganoma iyiphi indlela, kuhlanganise nokusabisa noma ukuthukuthela. Ukuba nomuntu onje kukushiya uzizwe ungabonakali futhi ungabalulekile.

8. Ukungakwazi ukulawula umfutho

Ukuthatheka kuyisici esivamile ezinganeni, futhi akumangazi, futhi esinye sezimpawu ezibulalayo eziyi-17 zendoda engavuthiwe. Uma umlingani wakho enza ngokuthanda kwakho ngaphandle kokucabanga ngemiphumela, kuwuphawu olukhathazayo. Lokhu kungafaka uhla lokuziphatha: 

• Uthi noma enze izinto “ngaphandle kokucabanga”: Uvame ukuthi, “Angizange ngicabange, ngivele ngikwenzile.” Lokhu kungase kusuke ekukhulumeni ngenhlamba lapho ucasukile kuye ekwenzeni izinguquko ezinkulu empilweni ngokushesha
• Unenkinga ngezinqubo noma izibopho: Angase ahoxise amasu ngokuxhamazela ngoba kwavela okunye okujabulisayo, ungacabangi imizwa yakho. Noma akakwazi ukunamathela kumaphrojekthi wesikhathi eside ngoba unesithukuthezi kalula futhi ajahe noma yini ecwebezelayo emdonsa amehlo ngalolo suku.
• Ibonisa ukuziphatha okungase kube budedengu: Kwezinye izimo, ukuthatheka kudlulela ezindaweni eziyingozi njengokushayela budedengu, ukusebenzisa kabi izidakamizwa, noma okunye ukuzifaka engozini. Abantu abangavuthiwe bavame ukufuna ukuzanelisa ngokushesha, bangazinaki izingozi zesikhathi eside

Uchwepheshe wobudlelwane u-Esther Perel uthi: “Umuntu ongavuthiwe ngokomzwelo ngeke akwazi ukulawula imizwelo yakhe futhi angase angakwazi ukulawula ukuziphatha kwakhe.” Kuleso sici bangase bafaniswe nezingane.

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9. Ubuqhwaga noma ukuthambekela kokusabisa

Kungase kuzwakale kudlulele, kodwa amanye amadoda angavuthiwe asebenzisa ukuziphatha kokuhlukumeza, ikakhulukazi amadoda angazethembi noma azizwa engalawuleki. Lokhu akusho njalo ulaka olungokomzimba, nakuba kungadlulela kulokho; kuvame ukubonakala njengokudelela ngamazwi, ukugcona okweqa umugqa, noma ukuziphatha kobushiqela ukuze kuphoqelelwe intando yakhe. Uma umlingani wakho evame ukukwenza uzizwe uncane, wesaba, noma uxhashazwa, lokho kuyisibonakaliso esingathi sína sokungavuthwa nje kuphela kodwa nobuthi obungaba khona. Isibonelo,

• Angase aklolode ngalokho okufezile noma izithakazelo zakho njengeziwubuwula, ukuze nje abonise ukuphakama
• Uma ecasukile angase abhoke ngokukubiza ngamagama alulazayo, azi ukuthi kuzomlimaza 
• Ezilungiselelweni zeqembu, angase azame ukukubusa noma ukukuphoxa phambi kwabanye

Lokhu kuziphatha kuvame ukuvela ekungazethembini okujulile. Uzizwa emkhulu kuphela ngokwenza abanye bazizwe bebancane. Indoda evuthiwe enokuzethemba ayisoze yadinga ukuxhaphaza abathandekayo bayo. Nokho, isiqhwaga esingavuthiwe asikafundi izindlela ezinempilo zokubhekana nemizwa yaso. “Angase akuthethise futhi akuxhaphaze ukuze azizwe engcono ngaye. Uma indoda yakho ihlale ikuhlasela futhi ikuhlukumeza, ungase uphole nendoda engavuthiwe,” kuxwayisa uFeuerman.

10. Ungumlaleli ompofu

Ukuxhumana kuyisisekelo sobudlelwano obuhle , futhi kufanele kube yindlela evulelekile. Uma indoda yakho ingalaleli ngempela, iphazamisa njalo, noma ilahla lokho okushoyo, kuyisibonakaliso sokungavuthwa ngokomzwelo. Umlingani ovuthiwe uyayazisa imicabango yakho futhi ufuna ukukuqonda. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, umuntu ongavuthiwe uyakucindezela noma alinde ithuba lakhe lokukhuluma.

Zibuze: Ingabe uzizwa uzwakele ebudlelwaneni bakho? Uma kufanele ulokhu uziphindaphinda, noma unqanyulwa phakathi nomusho, lokho akuwona nje ukuziphatha okubi, kukhombisa ukungakuhloniphi. Uzakwethu ongavuthiwe angase akhethe nokulalela: uzwa afuna ukukuzwa, ikakhulukazi uma kuwukudumisa noma ngaye, kodwa noma yini edinga uzwela noma umzamo ingena kwenye indlebe iphumele kwenye. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ukungalaleli kahle kuholela ekungaqondini okukhulu kanye nomuzwa wokuqhelelana. Ungase uyeke ukumthululela isifuba ngoba ulwazi lukutshela ukuthi “akunamsebenzi – ngeke alalele noma kunjalo.”

11. Kuyindlela yakhe noma umgwaqo omkhulu

Ukungavuthwa ngokomzwelo kuvame ukwenza abantu bangakwazi ukuguquguquka futhi bangakwazi ukubeka izidingo zomlingani wabo kuqala, ngisho nangezikhathi ezithile. Lokhu kusho ukuthi akazimisele ukwenza ukuvumelana okunempilo, ukuzivumelanisa nokunikeza indawo okuthandayo, ongakuthandi, nokuncamelayo, noma ukubeka phambili wena nobudlelwano. 

Isazi sezobudlelwano u-April Davis uthi, “Ungayibona le mfanelo uma othile enqaba ukuhlangana phakathi bese eqala ukuqamba amanga, ukusola, noma ukukukhubekisa ukuze uthole okuthandwa nguye.” Uma ukungavumelani kugcina ngokuphikelela ngenkani esixazululweni sakhe noma ecasukile uma engasiqondi, lokho kuyinkinga. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, uzizwa sengathi okuthandayo akubalulekile; kuhlale kumayelana nokumvumela. Ukungaguquguquki okunjalo kanye nokuntuleka kokusekelwa kungakwenza uzizwe unesizungu kakhulu ebuhlotsheni.

12. Ukuqamba amanga okuvamile nokungathembeki

Amanga, ngisho “amancane” angabulimaza kakhulu ubuhlobo. Uma umuntu wakho eqamba amanga njalo, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukugwema izinkinga noma ukuzenza abukeke kahle, kuwuphawu lokungavuthwa. Esikhundleni sokubhekana neqiniso nemiphumela yako, uthatha umzila wobuntwana wokufipha. Lokhu kungaba,

• Amanga amancane avamile: Uqamba amanga ngezinto ezingabonakali ngisho nesidingo, njengalokho abekwenza, ubenobani, kungani ephuze. Lawa manga angadingekile abonisa i-reflex yokugwema noma yimuphi umthwalo wemfanelo noma umonakalo wesithombe. Isibonelo, ukuthi "Bengivaleleke kuthrafikhi" ngenkathi elele kakhulu noma ephuma
• Izindaba ezingahambisani: Izincazelo zakhe zivame ukushintsha lapho elandisa kabusha noma ngaphansi kwengcindezi encane. Uma ubuza umbuzo olandelayo, uyangingiza noma abuyekeze indaba yakhe. Ungase ube nomuzwa wokuthi kukhona akufihlayo noma akathembeki ngokugcwele
• Ukwenza isithombe: Amanye amadoda angavuthiwe aqamba amanga ukuze avuse isithunzi sawo. Angase aziqhenye ngezimpumelelo ezingakaze zenzeke, noma enze ihaba ngamaqiniso ukuze abonakale “emnandi.” Lokhu kukhombisa ukungazethembi kanye nokwentula ukwamukela iqiniso

Ukungathembeki ebudlelwaneni kungaba yindlela yokugwema ingxabano. Ucabanga ukuthi uma ekutshela lokho ofuna ukukuzwa, ngeke kudingeke abhekane nokusabela kwakho. Kodwa-ke, amanga aphindaphindwayo abhubhisa ukwethembana. Awukwazi ukuzizwa uphephile ngomuntu uma uhlala uzibuza ukuthi ukhuluma iqiniso yini. Indoda evuthiwe iyaqonda ukuthi ukwethembana nokungafihli lutho kuyahambisana, ngisho noma iqiniso linzima.

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13. Uvame ukuzizwa uwedwa ebudlelwaneni

Omunye wemizwa emibi kakhulu ukuba nesizungu ngenkathi usothandweni. Yilokho okutholayo uma kunokungavuthwa kwemizwa ebudlelwaneni. Ungabona ukuthi, 

• Umlingani wakho ongavuthiwe uyahlolwa ngokomzwelo ngisho nalapho ekhona ngokomzimba
• Awunaso isibopho esijulile esingokomzwelo okufanele ubuhlobo obunempilo sibe nabo
• Akabandakanyi lapho uzama ukwabelana ngemizwa yakho noma ufuna ukwesekwa
• Uhlangabezana nokunganaki, ukuxoshwa, noma ukugqolozela okungenalutho 

Lokhu kudala igebe lokusondelana ngokomzwelo okwenza kube nzima kini ukuxhumana. Kunjengokungathi nonke nisesibhakabhakeni senu, kunokuba nihambe empilweni nibambene.

14. Ugwema izingxoxo ezijulile noma ezibucayi

Amadoda angakavuthwa avame ukugwema izingxoxo ezijulile ngobuhlobo, imizwa, noma yini edinga ubuthakathaka. Akhetha ukugcina izinto zilula futhi zijabulisa. Uma uzama ukujulisa ukuxhumana kwakho nabo ngokukhuthaza ubuthakathaka, bayavala noma baphenduke amahlaya. Ungase futhi uqaphele ukuthi noma nini lapho uthi, “Sidinga ukukhuluma,” ubonakala sengathi uyaqhaqhazela, ngokushesha athi ukhathele kakhulu noma umatasa, noma ngokuzumayo abe yinto engafinyeleleki, ngokoqobo noma ngenxa yokuziphatha okuvaliwe, ukuze akuvale.

Angase akusole ngokuthi “ucabanga ngokweqile” noma “ngokuletha idrama” uma uzama ukuxoxa ngemizwa yakho noma isimo sobuhlobo bakho. UDavis uyachaza, “Amadoda angavuthiwe awakhululekile ngokujula ngokomzwelo.

Lokhu kunqikaza ukuzibandakanya ngokujulile kungashiya izindaba ezibalulekile zingaxazululiwe. Uma ungeke ukwazi ukuba nenkulumo eqotho mayelana nokuthi izinto zibheke kuphi noma ubhekane nenkinga eqhubekayo, lezo zinkinga ziyakhula. Kusho futhi ukuthi awukwazi ngempela ukuthi ucabangani noma uzizwa kanjani ezingeni elijulile. Amanye amadoda angavuthiwe awanawo nhlobo amagama athinta imizwa. Bangase bangazi ukuthi bangayiveza kanjani imizwa ejulile ngoba abakaze bazilolonge. 

Ngakho-ke banamathela ezingxoxweni ezisezingeni eliphezulu mayelana nokwenzeka kosuku, izinto abazithandayo, izinto ezingasho lutho zansuku zonke, noma ukusondelana ngokomzimba, futhi bayahlabana uma kukhulunywa ngokusondelana ngokomzwelo. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ubudlelwano buhlala bujulile. Ungase ufise umlingani ozovula isifuba, axhumane, futhi “aye lapho” nawe ngokomzwelo, futhi ubone ngokudabukisayo ukuthi akazimisele noma akakwazi.

15. Akakwazi ukwenza noma ukunamathela ezinqumweni

Ngabe ugcina wenze zonke izinqumo, ukusuka lapho uzodla khona isidlo sakusihlwa uye ezinqumweni ezinkulu zokuphila, ngoba ngeke nje? Kungenzeka ukuthi ubhekene nokungakwazi ukwenza izinqumo okungamahlalakhona, okungenye yezimpawu zokungakhuli ngokomzwelo. Indoda evuthiwe ithatha isinyathelo esilinganayo ebuhlotsheni futhi ibambisane ezinqumweni. 

Umuntu ongavuthiwe akawufuni umthwalo wemfanelo noma uyesaba ukwenza ukukhetha “okungalungile,” ngakho uhlala ehlehla kuwe noma ehla enyuka engapheli. Lokhu kungakufaka ingcindezi engafanele, kuphinde kube ukucisha lapho umuntu engakwazi ukunquma ngisho nasezintweni ezincane.

Ukungakwazi ukwenza izinqumo kungase kuvele ngenxa yobuvila noma ukwesaba. Mhlawumbe akanandaba ngokwanele ukuba acabangele izinhlelo, ngakho-ke kufanele uhlale uhlela izinsuku, amaholide, njll. Noma wesaba ukuzibophezela kangangokuthi ngisho nokukhetha umsebenzi wokubambisana kuyamthusa ngoba kusho umthwalo wemfanelo. Angase ngisho asho izinto ezinjengokuthi “Angazi, noma yini oyifunayo” kukho konke. Lokhu kungase kuzwakale kuvumela, kodwa empeleni, nguyena ongenzi mzamo ebudlelwaneni.

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16. Ukuntula ukusabela ngokomzwelo 

Ukuzabalaza ukuzwelana noma ukuphendula emizweni yakho kuphakathi kwezimpawu ezingathi sína zokungavuthwa ngokomzwelo endodeni. Lokhu kudlulela ngalé kokulalela nje, kumayelana nokunakekela ngempela nokusabela ngendlela efanele lapho ujabulile, udabukile, wethukile, noma ulimele. Indoda engavuthiwe ivamise ukuntula ukusabela ngokomzwelo ukuze ixhumane noma iqinisekise imizwa yakho. Ngokwesibonelo, uma uza kuye ucindezelekile, angase abukeke engakhululekile noma anikeze impendulo enganaki njengokuthi “Lokho kuyabheda” bese eshintsha isihloko. Angase futhi abonise ukuba ndikindiki ngokomzwelo noma ukuhlukana lapho imizwa ejulile idlala ngoba akakwazi ukuyiphatha. Ngenxa yalokho, angase, 

• Yehlulekile ukukududuza: Ezikhathini lapho umlingani onothando kufanele asekele, usuke engekho noma engenamsebenzi. Angase aziqhelelanise ngokomzimba noma ampambathe ngokungananazi bese eqhubekela phambili ngokushesha. Awuzizwa usekelwe ngokomzwelo nguye
• Ungagubhi injabulo yakho futhi: Uzwelo akulona nje okwezikhathi ezimbi, kodwa futhi ukwabelana injabulo. Uma esabela ezindabeni zakho ezinhle ngokunganaki noma ethola indlela yokukhuluma ngaye, lokho kuwuzwela oluphansi.
• Ukusabela ngokweqile emizweni yakho: Okuxakayo ukuthi angase azivikele kakhulu uma imizwa yakho imayelana nokuthile akwenzile. Esikhundleni sokukuzwa, ukuthatha njengokuhlasela komuntu siqu. USharon Peykar, LCSW, uyachaza, "Ozakwethu abangavuthiwe bathatha izinto mathupha, bebona yonke into njengokuhlasela kubo." Akakwazi ukukungenela ezicathulweni zakho ngoba umatasa ugada ezakhe

Umlingani ongakwazi noma ongeke abonise uzwela uzokushiya unesizungu futhi ukhungathekile ukuthi izidingo zakho ezingokomzwelo azinakekelwa. 

17. Ugwema izingxoxo ezibalulekile zobudlelwano

Izimpawu zokugcina eziyi-17 ezibulalayo zendoda engavuthiwe ukuthambekela kokugwema izingxoxo ezibalulekile mayelana nobudlelwano. “Amadoda angakavuthwa angase agweme ukuxoxa ngekusasa lobuhlobo noma ukubhekana nezinkinga ezibalulekile. Angase agweme izingxoxo mayelana nokuzibophezela, ukuxazulula izingxabano , noma ukukhula komuntu siqu,” kusho uPeykar.

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi “Sibhekephi?” ingxoxo noma ukuxazulula izingxabano eziqhubekayo, noma ukukhuluma ngokukhula ndawonye, ​​akafuni ingxenye yakho. Lokhu kugwema kuyingozi ngoba kumisa ukuqhubeka kobudlelwano. Izinkinga azilungiseki uma ungakwazi ukukhuluma ngazo. Ungase uthole ukuthi nihamba emibuthanweni—impi efanayo ilokhu yenzeka ngoba wenqaba ukuxoxa ngayo futhi athole isixazululo. Noma uzizwa ukhathazekile ngekusasa ngoba ngeke aqinisekise uma ebona ikusasa nawe. Abanye besifazane bachaza lokhu njengokuzwa sengathi ubudlelwano bubambekile ngenxa yokugwema kwakhe ukuxhumana. Uma zonke izinkulumo ezingathi sína ziholela ekutheni ajikijelwe ngamatshe noma anyamalale, ukungavuthwa kwakhe kulawula isiphetho sobudlelwano. Futhi ngeshwa, ukuthula akuxazululi lutho.

7 Amasu Asebenzayo Wokusebenzelana Nendoda Engavuthiwe

Ngakho-ke usuhlonze ezimbalwa zalezi zimpawu kumlingani wakho. Ungase ucabange, "Ehe, inqwaba yamafulegi abomvu lawo. Ngenzenjani ngakho?" Ungabi novalo. Ukungakhuli ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni, nakuba kuyingozi, akusho ukuthi alikho ithemba lekusasa ndawonye. Eqinisweni, imibhangqwana eminingi ibhekana negebe lokuvuthwa ngesikhathi esithile futhi ikwazi ukuzulazula kahle. Ukuze lokho kwenzeke, umlingani ongavuthiwe kufanele abone iphutha lezindlela zakhe futhi atshale imali ekukhuleni kwakhe siqu.

Khumbula, awukwazi ukuphoqa umuntu ukuthi akhule ngobusuku obubodwa, kodwa ungakwazi ukubeka imingcele, ukuxhumana ngokuphumelelayo, futhi wenze izinqumo ezinolwazi mayelana nenhlalakahle yakho. Umgomo akukhona ukumthethisa noma “umzali” ukuze ashintshe. Akusebenzi noma kunjalo. Kunalokho, gxila endleleni ophendula ngayo nalokho okudingayo. Nawa amasu ayisikhombisa asebenzayo angakusiza ukuthi ubhekane futhi ngethemba ukukhuthaza ukuguquguquka okuvuthiwe ebuhlotsheni bakho:

1. Mbambe aziphendulele 

Melana nesifiso “sokugoqa” futhi uvale amaphutha akhe. Kungase kuzwakale kulula ukuhlanza ukungcola kwakhe noma ukuthethelela ukuziphatha kwakhe, kodwa lokho kunika amandla kuphela ukungavuthwa. Kunalokho, makabhekane nemiphumela engokwemvelo yezenzo zakhe. Ngokwesibonelo, uma ekhohlwe okuthile okubalulekile ngenxa yokungabi nasibopho, ungamlungiseleli ngokuzenzekelayo. 

Lokhu kungase kusho ukukhomba ngomoya ophansi lapho enephutha futhi ungakwamukeli ukusolwa kwakhe. Kusho futhi ukuyeka noma yikuphi ukuziphatha “kobuzali” obukwenza, njengokumkhumbuza yonke imisebenzi emincane noma ukuxolisa kwabanye ngaye. Buyela emuva futhi umvumele ukuthi ezwe ukuwa. Kwesinye isikhathi, ukuzwa ukungakhululeki kwemiphumela kuyisimo esidingekayo ukuze abone ukuthi kufanele akhule.

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2. Khuluma ngezidingo zakho ngokucacile nangokuzola

Esikhundleni sokumthethisa ngokungakhuli, okungase kubangele ukuzivikela, sebenzisa ukuxhumana okucacile nokukhululekile mayelana nendlela ukuziphatha kwakhe okukuthinta ngayo. Khetha isikhathi lapho izinto zizolile, bese uchaza imizwa yakho usebenzisa izinkulumo ezithi “Mina”. Isibonelo, “Ngizizwa ngiphatheke kabi futhi ngingedwa uma ulahla imizwa yami ngokuthi ‘yidrama.’ Ngidinga umlingani ozolalela futhi azame ukuqonda, noma ngabe asivumelani.”

Kugcine kugxile ekuziphatheni, hhayi ekuhlaselweni komuntu siqu. Ochwepheshe bezobudlelwano baphakamisa ukuthi ungashayi esikhotheni. Angase angaboni ngempela ukuthi izenzo zakhe zikuthinta kanjani. Ngokuyipela, umnika ithuba lokuzindla nokuphendula. Zilungiselele ukuthi angase angakuthathi kahle ekuqaleni ngenxa yokuthambekela kokuzivikela. Kodwa ukutshala imbewu kubalulekile.

3. Beka imingcele enempilo

Nquma ukuthi yini ozoyibekezelela nongeke uyibekezelele, bese unamathela kuyo. Imingcele ingase ihlanganise izinto ezifana nokuthi, 

• “Ngeke ngivume ukuthethiswa noma ukuthukwa, uma kwenzeka ngizozikhipha kulesi simo.” 
• "Uma ufeza isabelomali sethu esihlanganyelwe ekuthengeni ngokungananazi, uzodinga ukubuyisela izinto noma uthole izimali. Ngeke ngikuhlanganise." 

Ukubeka imingcele enempilo kuyindlela enhle yokubhekana nendoda engavuthiwe ngokomzwelo. Kodwa-ke, ukuphoqelela imingcele njalo kubaluleke kakhulu. Ngakho-ke, uma uthe uzophuma ekamelweni uma ememeza, kwenze ngempela lapho ephakamisa izwi lakhe. Uma uthe ngeke usaboleka imali eningi, namathela kulokho. Lokhu kumbonisa ukuthi uzimisele nokuthi izenzo zakhe zinemingcele. UFeuerman uthi, “Le mingcele ingeyempilo yakho, futhi awunasibopho sokwelapha ukungavuthwa kwayo ngokuyisimangaliso; unesibopho sokugcina ukuzihlonipha kwakho.”

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4. Phakamisa usizo lochwepheshe

Kwesinye isikhathi, ukuziphatha okungakakhuli kugxilile noma kuxhumene nezindaba eziwumsuka njengokungazethembi, ukuhlukumezeka okwedlule, njll. Uchwepheshe angamsiza ukuthi abone futhi abhekane nalawa maphethini ngendlela okungenzeka awukwazi futhi akufanele ukwenze. Kungaba usizo ukuphakamisa ukwelashwa kwabashadile, ukukubumba njengomzamo weqembu wokuthuthukisa ukuxhumana, noma ukumkhuthaza ukuthi akhulume nomelaphi ngamunye. 

Sondeza ngokusekela, hhayi njengesiphetho njengokuthi “Udinga ukwelashwa!” kodwa kunalokho “Ngicabanga ukuthi umeluleki angasisiza ngempela sixazulule ezinye zalezi zinkinga ezivela njalo futhi asifundise izindlela ezingcono zokuzisingatha.” Uma engazweli, ungase uqale ngisho nokwelapha uwedwa ukuze uthole isiqondiso. Ngokuvamile, lapho umlingani oyedwa eqala ukuhamba, omunye uvuleka ngokwengeziwe ukujoyina. Khumbula, awukwazi ukuphoqa umuntu ukuthi ashintshe, kodwa unganikela ngamathuluzi futhi uveze ukuthi kubalulekile kuwe.

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5. Khuthaza ukukhula komuntu siqu kanye nomthwalo wemfanelo

Ngeke ashintshele ekubeni yindoda evuthiwe ngokomzwelo ngobusuku obubodwa kodwa ungamkhuthaza ukuba athathe izinyathelo ngendlela efanele. Sekela noma yiziphi izithakazelo ezinhle noma imikhuba ekhuthaza ukuzibophezela, ukuzazi, noma uzwela. Isibonelo, uma evulekele ukufunda, ungabelana ngesihloko esihlobene noma incwadi ekhuluma ngobudlelwano noma ubuhlakani bemizwa. Uma edonsa kanzima ngamakhono empilo, mkhuthaze ukuthi azame ukwenza izinto ngokuzimela futhi avume uma enza. 

Ake sithi unamathela kubhajethi yenyanga eyodwa. Bonisa ukwazisa ngemizamo yakhe, okuqinisa ukuziphatha. Okumqoka wukuthi kumele afune ukuthuthuka. Awukwazi ukumcindezela ukuba ashintshe, kodwa ungakha indawo lapho ukukhula kuqashelwa khona futhi kwaziswa.

6. Yiba nesineke, kodwa uqine

Uma ukhetha ukuhlala futhi usebenze ebuhlotsheni, yazi ukuthi ushintsho luthatha isikhathi. Uzodinga isineke ukuze ayeke iminyaka yemikhuba engavuthiwe. Gubha ukuwina okuncane futhi uqonde ukuthi kungase kube nokubuyela emuva. Nokho, isiguli asisho ukungenzi lutho. Kufanele futhi uhlale uqinile kulokho okulindele kanye nemingcele. 

Kwenze kucace ukuthi nakuba uqonda ukuthi ukukhula kuyinqubo, ukuziphatha okuthile akwamukeleki futhi kumele kuthambekele endleleni efanele. Isibonelo, ungase uthi, “Ngiyazi ukuthi uzama ukuxhumana kangcono, futhi ngiyakwazisa. Ngilapha ukuzosebenza ndawonye kulokhu. Kodwa ngidinga ukuthi wazi ukuthi uma ukuklabalasa nokuthuka kuqhubeka njengoba kwakunjalo ngaphambili, ngeke ngikwazi ukuhlala kulobu budlelwano isikhathi eside .” Lolu hlobo lwesitatimende luqinisekisa kokubili ukwesekwa kanye nokuzimisela.

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7. Vuma ukukhula

Abantu, ngisho nabadala, basabela kahle ekuqinisweni okuhle. Uma umlingani wakho ekhombisa izimpawu zokuvuthwa noma zokuthuthuka, qaphela futhi ukwazise. Ingabe ngomoya ophansi waxoxa ngendaba enzima esikhundleni sokuklabalasa? Menze azi ukuthi lokho kusho ukuthini kuwe. Ingabe wathatha isinyathelo kuqala esinqumweni noma umsebenzi ayevame ukuwubalekela? Mbonge ngobuqotho. Lokhu akukhona ukumenza ingane noma ukunikeza izinkanyezi ezisagolide ngokuziphatha kwabantu abadala okuyisisekelo. Kumayelana nokuqinisa ukuthi imizamo yakhe iyabonakala futhi iyaziswa, okumkhuthaza ukuthi aqhubeke. 

"Impendulo enhle ingamkhuthaza ukuthi aqhubeke nokwenza izinguquko ezinhle futhi ambonise ukuthi imizamo yakhe iyaqashelwa futhi iyaziswa. Idala indawo ekhuthazayo yokukhula, kunokuba i-loop yokugxeka njalo, engenza umuntu azivikele," kusho uBurns. 

Imicabango Final

Ukusebenzelana nendoda engavuthiwe ebuhlotsheni kuyakhathaza impela. Udinga ukubeka phambili inhlalakahle yakho ngaphezu kwakho konke okunye. Uma imelana noshintsho, awukwazi ukulungisa ngokwakho ukungavuthwa kwakhe. Kungase kufike iphuzu lapho kufanele unqume ukuthi ubuhlobo, njengoba bunjalo, bukwanelisa ngokwanele kuwe. Uma engazimisele ukwenza umsebenzi ukuze abe umlingani ovuthiwe futhi otholakala ngokomzwelo, ungase uthole ubuhlobo bungasenampilo noma bungasanelisi kuwe. Kulungile ukuthi uzibeke phambili futhi usuke esimweni esingathuthuki. Kwesinye isikhathi, isifundo esinzima kakhulu sokuvuthwa kwabo bobabili abalingani ukubona ukuthi uthando alwanele uma umuntu oyedwa enqaba ukukhula.

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ubudlelwano obuningi buyathuthuka ngokuhamba kwesikhathi nangomzamo. Ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo kungakhula, ikakhulukazi uma ekukhathalela ngempela futhi efuna ukuba ngcono. Ngokubona izimpawu nokusebenzisa lawa maqhinga, unikeza ubuhlobo bakho ithuba lokulwa. Ukuthi uyaphumelela yini ekugcineni sekulele kuyena. Khumbula ukuthi ufanelwe umlingani ohlangana nawe ezingeni lakho.

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