Ingabe Ubudlelwano Beminyaka Engu-20 Bungasebenza Ngempela?

Uma uzwa umngane wakho ehlebela ukuthi ubona umuntu omdala kunaye ngeminyaka engamashumi amabili, imibuzo eyinkulungwane iyaphendula. Mhlawumbe ubheka ihlaya elithi “inkinga yempilo ephakathi”. Mhlawumbe unesifiso sokwazi ngoba uhlale uzizwa ukhangwa abalingani abanolwazi oluthe xaxa. Noma mhlawumbe ungulowo osebudlelwaneni obuphakathi kweminyaka engama-20 futhi uzizwa wahlulelwa njalo uma ubambana ngezandla esidlangalaleni. Awuwedwa ozibuza ukuthi uthando lungakwazi yini ukuhlanganisa iminyaka engamashumi amabili.

Ubudlelwano beminyaka engama-20 buvame ukusho ukuthi umbhangqwana onjengomuntu oneminyaka engama-25 othandana nomuntu oneminyaka engama-45 noma oneminyaka engama-40 oshade nomuntu oneminyaka engama-60. Imibhangqwana enjalo yeminyaka engama-20 yomehluko weminyaka idonsela ilukuluku ngoba iphonsela inselelo okulindelwe emphakathini. Abangane bangase baxwayise ngokungalingani kwesigaba sokuphila, futhi imibono ethi “cougar” noma “sugar daddy” ingahlaba. 

Kulesi sihloko, sihlola ukuthi yini eyenza ubudlelwano phakathi kweminyaka bube yimpikiswano kangaka, izinselele ezivamile imibhangqwana ebhekana nazo kule nkathi, nokuthi singazenza kanjani zisebenze. Ingabe uthando lungahlanganisa iminyaka engamashumi amabili? Ake sikuchaze, ngokomzwelo, ngokwengqondo, nangokusebenza.

Kungani Ubudlelwano Bokungalingani Ngokweminyaka Buphikisana Kangaka?

Ubudlelwano obunezingxabano ezinkulu ngeminyaka bungabangela imibono eqinile. Ezinye izimpendulo zisekelwe emlandweni, ezinye zisekelwe kwingqondo, futhi zonke zitholakala kulokho esikubonayo nesikuzwayo emndenini nakubangane.

1. Umongo womlando namasiko

Uma ubheka emuva esizukulwaneni noma ezimbili uzothola ukubhanqa kwamadoda amadala nabesifazane abasebasha abajwayelekile, ngokuvamile behlotshaniswa nezakhiwo zamadoda. Abesifazane babefuna ukuzinza kanye nezinsiza ngenkathi amadoda efuna ukuzala. Lezo zinguquko zisaphindwa ku-slang yanamuhla. Amagama anjengokuthi “ubaba oshukela,” “ umfazi ophethe indondo ” kanye “no-cougar” ayaqhubeka nokubusa isiko elidumile kanye nenkulumo yomphakathi.

Lawa malebula enza abantu babe yizifebe, engazinaki izizathu zomuntu siqu zokuthi abantu abadala ababili baxhumane. Emasikweni amaningi, ukushada nomuntu onobudlelwano obuhlukile ngokweminyaka kwakuyindlela yokuqinisekisa ukuhambahamba emphakathini noma ubudlelwano bomndeni. Namuhla, ungase uthandane nomuntu owayesebenza nomngane wakho, hhayi okhethwe abazali bakho.

2. Ukucwasa ngokwengqondo

Ukukhanga kwabantu akulona nje uthando. Izici zokuziphendukela kwemvelo kanye nezenhlalo ziyangena. Ucwaningo mayelana nokuthandana kwegebe lobudala luphawula ukuthi amadoda amaningi ayethanda abalingani ababebonisa izimpawu zobusha nokuzala, kuyilapho abesifazane abaningi babebeka phambili ukuzinza kanye nezinsiza. Olunye ucwaningo luthole ukuthi njengoba amadoda ekhula, igebe lobudala abalithandayo livame ukwanda. Imibhangqwana yanamuhla ingase ithukuthele ngalezi zindlela, kodwa isakha ukucwasana okungazi lutho. Uma ubhangqa umuntu oneminyaka engu-25 nomuntu oneminyaka engu-45, abantu bangase basole ukuthi kukhona ukushintshisana kwamandla ukuze bathole ukuphepha.

3. Ukwahlulela komphakathi kanye nokusabela komndeni

Mhlawumbe into ebuhlungu kakhulu emibhangqwaneni emidala esencane ukubuka umphakathi. Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi imibhangqwana ehlukene ngeminyaka eyi-10 ibhekene nokungavunyelwa kwangaphandle okuphindwe kabili kuya kathathu kunontanga abanegebe elincane. Imibhangqwana ehlukene ngeminyaka ibika ukubandlululwa okukhulu emphakathini, okwaholela ekuzibophezeleni okuphansi kanye namazinga aphezulu okuhlukana. Ungase ulungele ukugubha umshado wakho, kodwa uthole abazali bakho bephakamisa amashiya noma ozakwabo behleba. Ukucindezeleka kokuvikela uthando lwakho njalo kungadala ngisho nasebudlelwaneni obuphephile kakhulu.

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Ingqondo Ebangela Izikhala Ezinkulu Zobudala

Ukuqonda amandla engqondo asebenzayo ebudlelwaneni bokuhlukana kweminyaka emikhulu kusiza ekuchazeni ukuthi kungani abanye bechuma kanti abanye bewohloka. Cabanga ngakho njengokuhlanganisa izikhathi ezimbili zentuthuko.

• Ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo kanye nokulinganisela kokuhlangenwe nakho empilweni: Umlingani oneminyaka engu-45 kungenzeka ukuthi usedlule enkingeni yakhe yokuqala emsebenzini, kanti oneminyaka engu-25 kungenzeka ukuthi usazithola. Ukuvuthwa ngokomzwelo akuhlobene ngokuzenzakalelayo nobudala, kodwa umlingani omdala kungenzeka ukuthi useke waba nokuhlangenwe nakho okufana nobudlelwano bangaphambilini noma ukushintsha komsebenzi. Lapho bobabili abalingani bayahloniphana ngaphandle kokuzehlisa, umehluko wobudala ungacebisa
• Izigaba zokuthuthukiswa kwengqondo: I-psychology yokukhula isikisela ukuthi sidlula ezigabeni ezahlukene zokuphila. Abantu abadala abasebasha bafuna ubuwena kanye nokusondelana, abantu abadala abaseminyakeni ephakathi bagxila ekuzaleni nasekufeni, kanti abantu abadala bacabanga ngencazelo yokuphila. Lapho abalingani besezigabeni ezahlukene, omunye angase abeke phambili ukuhamba nokuhlola umsebenzi kuyilapho omunye ecabanga ngokuthatha umhlalaphansi. Ukuqaphela lokhu kwehluka kusiza ukuvimbela intukuthelo lapho omunye umlingani esakhuphuka kanti omunye efuna ukwehlisa ijubane.
• Izitayela zokunamathisela kanye namandla okusebenza: Abantu abaxhumene ngokuphephile bavame ukwethembana nokukhulumisana ngokucacile. Ebudlelwaneni obungenabo iminyaka, okunamathiselwe okungavikelekile kungakhulisa ukwesaba. Umlingani osemusha okhathazekile angase akhathazeke ngokulahlekelwa umlingani omdala, kuyilapho umlingani omdala ogwemayo angase esabe ukulawulwa. Kukhona futhi ukungalingani okungenzeka: omunye umlingani angase abe namandla ezezimali, kanti omunye unamandla omphakathi noma ocansini. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDkt. Seth Meyers uxwayisa ngokuthi ukuthandana nomuntu omdala ngeminyaka engaphezu kweyishumi kuvame ukuletha izinkinga ngoba okuhlangenwe nakho kokuphila nezinto eziza kuqala zingase zihluke kakhulu. Kodwa lapho bobabili abalingani beqonda amaphethini abo okunamathelana futhi bezijwayeza ukwenza izinqumo ezisobala, amandla angalingana
• Ukuzazi okuhlukile: UDkt. Alexandra Solomon, ofundisa isayensi yezengqondo yobudlelwano eNorthwestern University, umema imibhangqwana ukuba idlulele ngale kokulindelwe yinganekwane. Uphawula ukuthi sidla ukudla okuqinile kwezinganekwane zothando ezithi “uma uthando lunzima, kukhona okungahambi kahle”, kodwa ubudlelwano obuseduze empeleni buyizinto ezivuselela izidingo ezijulile zokunamathelana. Esikhundleni sokusola umlingani wakho, uSolomoni uthi kufanele samukele umbono wokuthi “izinto zami kanye nezinto zakho zilingana nezinto zethu”. Ngamanye amazwi, umlando womndeni wakho, ukungazethembi kanye nemikhuba kuzosebenzisana nomlingani wakho, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uneminyaka emingaki. Lapho umehluko wobudala ukhulisa lezi zinguquko, ukuzazi kanye nozwela kuba kubaluleke kakhulu.
• Ukungavumelani kwemizwa kanye nobulili: Uchwepheshe wezokwelapha imibhangqwana u-Esther Perel usikhumbuza ukuthi ukuthandana kwabantu ngokwemvelo kuchuma kakhulu lapho beqhelelene njengoba kunjalo nangokusondelana. Lapho imibhangqwana emidala nentsha incika kakhulu, omunye ethatha indima yomzali kanti omunye enjengeyomntwana, inhlansi ingacima. Ubuhlobo obuhle bokuhlukana kweminyaka kumele bulondoloze ukuzimela, buvumele isifiso sinciphe futhi sigeleze.

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Uma Ubudlelwano Beminyaka Engu-20 Busebenza

Akuwona wonke ama-20 eminyaka yokushada ahluleke. Nazi izisekelo ezenza ubudlelwano beminyaka engu-20 buchume:

1. Amanani ayisisekelo ahlanganyelwe

Ngaphansi kwezinsuku zokuzalwa kanye nesilulumagama sesizukulwane kukhona umbuzo othi: Ingabe ufuna impilo efanayo? Imibhangqwana evumelana nezindinganiso eziyinhloko njengezinhlelo zomndeni, imigomo yomsebenzi, izinketho zendlela yokuphila, kanye nezindinganiso zezimali ivame ukubhekana nezivunguvungu zempilo. Nobabili ningase nifise impilo elula emaphandleni noma nobabili nithande ukukhuthazwa kwengqondo kanye nokuzijabulisa. Ngisho noma nivela emashumini eminyaka ahlukene, ukuba nezindinganiso zokuziphatha ezifanayo kanye nombono wesikhathi eside kudala isisekelo esiqinile. Imibhangqwana eminingi emidala esemisha ithola ukuthi ukuhambisana ngokomoya, amahlaya kanye nenhloso kubaluleke kakhulu kunokuzalwa ngonyaka ofanayo.

2. Ukuxhumana nokuvuthwa ngokomzwelo

Umcwaningi wobudlelwano uJohn Gottman ukhuluma kakhulu “ngokuphendukela ekufuneni,” izikhathi ezincane lapho omunye umlingani efinyelela ukuxhumana nomunye ephendula. Emibhangqwaneni engu-20 yomehluko weminyaka engu-20, lezi zikhathi ezincane zibalulekile. Umlingani omdala kungenzeka ukuthi usethuthukise amakhono okuxazulula izingxabano, kanti umlingani osemusha angaletha ubuthakathaka obusha. Lapho bobabili abalingani bezijwayeza uzwela, belalela ngaphandle kokuzivikela, futhi befunda izilimi zomunye nomunye, bangaqeda ukungezwani kwezizukulwane. 

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3. Amandla ahambisanayo

Ubudlelwano obulinganiselayo phakathi kweminyaka buvame ukuba umdanso wezinto eziphikisanayo. Umlingani omdala unikeza ukuzinza, ukuqeqesha, futhi mhlawumbe nokuvikeleka ngokwezimali, kuyilapho umlingani omncane eletha amandla, ilukuluku, kanye nemibono emisha. Omunye “akasebenzisi” omunye. Imibhangqwana enempilo ibona lokhu kwehluka njengempahla. Uma nihlonipha amandla omunye nomunye, kuvela ubumbano olukhiqizayo kunokuba kube yindlela yomzali nomntwana.

4. Ukuzimela okuvikelekile

Ngokumangalisayo, okugcina ukuxhumana phakathi kwezizukulwane yindawo yokukhula ngamunye ngamunye. Lokhu kusho ukugcina ubungane bakho, izinto ozithandayo, kanye nezifiso zomsebenzi. Imibhangqwana ehlukene ngokweminyaka egwema ukuthembela ngokweqile cishe ayinawo amathuba amaningi okuwela ezindimeni eziqeda ukusondelana. Ungase uye ekhonsathini lapho umlingani wakho engakwazi ukumelana noma ukwakha abangane phakathi kweqembu lakho lobudala. Lokho kuzimela kungaba yiphethiloli yokukhanga isikhathi eside.

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Izinselele Ezivamile Ababhekana Nazo

Ngisho nezibopho eziqinile zibhekana nezinkinga ezinzima. Nasi umbono ongokoqobo wezingqinamba ezingabangelwa umehluko weminyaka engu-20 ebudlelwaneni nokuthi ungabhekana kanjani nazo.

Amafulegi Abomvu Ebudlelwaneni Begebe Lobudala

Ukwehluka kweminyaka akubangeli ubuthi, kodwa kungafihla amaphethini obuhlobo obungenampilo . Qaphela lezi zimpawu zokuthi akuyona iminyaka ephakathi kwenu kodwa yizinkinga ezijulile ezihilelekile.

1. Ukulawula nokulawula imizwa

Uma uzizwa sengathi uhlala “ufundiswa” noma ulungiswa ngumlingani wakho, lalela. Lapho isiqondiso siwela ekulawuleni izinqumo zakho, sibonisa ukungalingani kwamandla. UDkt. Meyers uyaxwayisa, “Ubudlelwano obunegebe leminyaka engaphezu kweyishumi buvame ukuhlupheka ngoba okuhlangenwe nakho kokuphila nezinto eziza kuqala kuhluke kakhulu. Uma umlingani omdala esebenzisa leli gebe ukuze alulaze noma anciphise imibono yomlingani omncane, akulona uthando.”

2. Ukuthembela ngokwezimali okusetshenziselwa ukugcina ukubusa

Imali ingaba ithuluzi noma isikhali. Uma umlingani oyedwa elawula zonke izimali futhi ezisebenzisa ukunquma izinqumo noma ukugcina ukuthobela imithetho, ubudlelwano buyashintsha busuke ekubambisaneni bube ukuthembela. Ubudlelwano beqiniso bukhuthaza ukucaca kwezezimali futhi bunika amandla bobabili ukuthi banikele ngalokho abangakwenza.

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3. Ukulahlekelwa ubuwena

Ubudlelwano obunempilo kufanele bukhulise umuzwa wakho wokuzibona. Uma uzithola ugqoka ngendlela ethile noma ushiya izinto ozithandayo ukuze ujabulise umlingani wakho noma ukuze uvumelane nomhlaba wakhe, cabanga ukuthi uyazilahla yini. Ukulondoloza ubuwena bakho nezinto ozithandayo kubalulekile.

4. Intukuthelo efihliwe ngokuguga nokulahlekelwa umphakathi

Ngezinye izikhathi abalingani bafihla ukwesaba ngokuguga noma isikhundla emphakathini ngokugxekana. Umlingani omncane angase afihle umona ngenkululeko yomlingani omdala, kuyilapho umlingani omdala angase athukuthelele ukuzizwa engafanele emibuthanweni yomlingani wakhe. Uma ufihla le mizwa, ingavela njengokubhuqa noma ukuhoxa. Yikhulume ngokuba sengozini kunokuba uyivumele ikhule.

Amathiphu Okuthi Ungenza Kanjani Ubudlelwano Besikhala Seminyaka Engu-20 Buhlale Buhlala Isikhathi Eside

Kulabo abakhangwa ubudlelwano obuphakathi kweminyaka engama-20, impumelelo ayiyona ingozi. Yakhelwe ekukhetheni okuhlosiwe kanye nenhlonipho. Nakhu okusebenzayo.

1. Khuluma ngezokuthutha zesikhathi eside kusenesikhathi

Ngaphambi kokuba nihlale ndawonye noma nishade, xoxani ngezimali, izinhlelo zomsebenzi, umhlalaphansi, ukunakekelwa, kanye nokuba ngumzali okungenzeka. Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi ukwaneliseka emshadweni kwemibhangqwana ehlukene eneminyaka ehlukene kwehla ngemva kweminyaka engu-6-10, futhi abasakwazi ukumelana nezimo eziphuthumayo zomnotho. Ukuhlanganisa okulindelwe ebuhlotsheni nesabelomali, ibhalansi yempilo yomsebenzi, kanye nemithwalo yemfanelo yokunakekelwa kwempilo kungavimbela izimanga ezizayo.

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2. Gcina ubuwena bakho

Kungase kuzwakale kumnandi ukwenza konke ndawonye, ​​kodwa ukuzimela kusekela isifiso. Hlala unolwazi ngezinto ozithandayo, ubungane, kanye nemigomo yakho siqu. Iya emakhonsathini uwedwa noma uthathe izifundo ngaphandle komlingani wakho. Uma nihlangana futhi, nizoba nezindaba ezintsha kanye nokukhanga okusha. 

3. Ibhalansi yamandla okushintshashintsha

Shintshanisa ukwenza izinqumo ukuze ugweme ukuhlelwa okungahlosiwe. Uma omunye wabalingani ephethe izimali, vumela omunye ahlele amaholide. Cabanga ngama-akhawunti ahlanganyelwe kanye nezimali ezihlukene "ezingabuzwa imibuzo". Qaphela izindawo lapho ngamunye eletha khona ulwazi. Mhlawumbe umlingani omncane uyaqonda ukutshalwa kwezimali kwedijithali, kuyilapho umlingani omdala azi izindlu. Ukulingana kukhuthaza inhlonipho.

4. Beka phambili ukuxhumana kunezibikezelo

Hlela ukuhlolwa kobudlelwano masonto onke noma nyanga zonke. Buzanani ngemizwa, ukwesaba, namaphupho. Ningacabangi ukuthi umlingani wenu unezikhathi ezifanayo zobudlelwano , kungaba ezomshado noma zezingane, ngoba nje emdala noma encane. Ukuhlola kukhulisa ukuzazi kobudlelwano, umqondo uDkt. Solomon awulwelayo. Akubalulekile kakhulu ngobudala kodwa kumayelana nokuvuma ukuthi umlando wakho ngamunye udala kanjani "izinto zethu."

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5. Yakha inethiwekhi yokuxhumana nabantu eyabiwe

Ukuzihlukanisa kudala inzondo. Kulula ukuhoxa uma uzizwa wahlulelwe, kodwa ukuhlala ucashile kuqinisa ihlazo. Yazisana kubangani bakho bonke ubudala futhi uhlakulele imiphakathi ebheka ubuqiniso kunokubukeka. Inethiwekhi yokusekelana ingavimbela ukugxekwa kwangaphandle okubhekana nemibhangqwana eminingi yeminyaka ehlukene. 

6. Hlalani nifuna ukwazi ngezindawo zomunye nomunye

Esikhundleni sokubuka umculo noma izinto ezithandwa ngumlingani wakho ngobuchwepheshe, buza imibuzo. Yiba khona kumakhonsathi abaculi abaseminyakeni yabo yobusha noma ubukele amadokhumentari mayelana nezombusazwe ezakha ubusha babo. Ilukuluku livala izikhala zamasiko futhi likhuthaze uzwela. Yamukela lokho kudideka ngokufunda ezikhathini zomunye nomunye.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Imicabango Final

Umbuzo awukona nje ukuthi ubudlelwano beminyaka engama-20 buyasebenza yini. Kungukuthi wena nomlingani wakho nizimisele yini ukwakha ubudlelwano obuphikisana nezinkolelo-mbono ezizenzakalelayo. Ucwaningo luxwayisa ngamazinga aphezulu okuhlukana kanye nokungamukelwa komphakathi, kodwa futhi lugcizelela ukuthi ukwaneliseka kuncike ezindinganisweni ezihlanganyelwe kanye nokuvuthwa ngokomzwelo.

Uma ucabanga noma usuvele usebudlelwaneni obuphakathi kweminyaka engama-20, zibuze: Ingabe nobabili nivumelana ngemigomo yokuphila? Ningakwazi yini ukuxhumana phakathi kwengxabano ngaphandle kokusebenzisa izindima zabazali nengane? Ingabe usukulungele ukubhekana nokwahlulela komphakathi ndawonye? Uma izimpendulo zithambekele ku-yebo, khona-ke ubudala buba yinto eyodwa eguquguqukayo endabeni yothando eyinkimbinkimbi, eguqukayo. Uthando oluthatha amashumi eminyaka alunakwenzeka, kodwa ludinga inhloso, inhlonipho, kanye nokuvuleleka ekuguqulweni ngumuntu obona umhlaba kusuka endaweni ehlukile kumugqa wesikhathi.

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