Ingabe Abagwemi Bayabuya: Lokho Okushiwo Yithiyori Yokunamathela Empeleni

Noma ubani oke wabhekana nomuntu ogwemayo uyazi ukuthi kungaba nzima kakhulu; ikakhulukazi, uma unesimo sokunamathelana okukhathazayo. Ukugijima nokujaha njalo kungazwakala kukhathaza futhi ekugcineni, ngokuvamile, izinto azihambi kahle. Kodwa-ke, uma uthando belukhona, unethemba lokuthi beluzobuya. Kodwa ingabe abantu abagwemayo bayabuya? Yebo, ngezinye izikhathi. Kodwa hhayi njalo, futhi ngokuvamile hhayi ngezizathu ozilindele. Ake siqonde ngokuningiliziwe.

Kuyini Ukugwema? 

Ake sicacise okuthile kuqala. “Ukugwema” akuyona inkinga yokuxilonga. Kuyindlela yokulindela, imizwa, kanye nokuziphatha ebuhlotsheni obuseduze. Futhi kungashintshwa ngokuqwashisa nangokuphulukiswa. Ocwaningweni lokunamathelana kwabantu abadala, la maphethini avame ukuchazwa ngezindlela ezimbili: ukugwema okuhlobene nokunamathelana kanye nokukhathazeka okuhlobene nokunamathelana. 

• Ukunamathelana okukhathazayo yilapho ufisa ukusondelana nokuqinisekiswa ebudlelwaneni, ngokuvamile wesaba ukulahlwa futhi ugxile kakhulu ezimpendulweni zomunye umuntu. 
• Ukugwema ukunamathela yilapho ubheka ukuzimela kanye ibanga elingokomzwelo, ngokuvamile uzizwa ungakhululekile ngokusondelana kakhulu nokuqhela lapho ubudlelwano buba buqinile

Ngokulinganisela, zombili lezi zindlela zisebenza kahle futhi azilimazi ubudlelwano. Kodwa uma zisetshenziswa ngokweqile, umlingani okhathazekile angaba yisigqila kakhulu futhi umuntu ogwemayo angase angabi seduze ngokomzwelo futhi angatholakali.

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Ukuthi ukugwema kubonakala kanjani empilweni yangempela

Indlela yokugwema ukunamathela ivame ukubonakala njengokungakhululeki ngokuthembela kakhulu ngokomzwelo, ukukhetha ukubhekana nokucindezeleka kuphela, kanye nokuthambekela kokunciphisa izidingo zokusondelana. Lokhu kungaba ngezindlela ezimbili ezivamile:

1. Ukuxosha 

Umuntu ogwemayo ubonisa ukuzimela okuqinile, edelela ukusondelana futhi enciphisa imizwa yakhe neyabanye abamzungezile. 

2. Ukwesaba

Ngokungafani nomuntu olahlayo, umuntu ogwemayo ofuna ukusondelana naye kodwa wesaba: 

• Ukulimala 
• Ukubhekana nokwenqatshwa 
• Noma ukubhekwa njengongafaneleki 

Ngenxa yalokhu kwesaba, bayahoxisa uthando lwabo futhi bahlale beqaphile ukuze bangalimali. Okumangalisayo ukuthi bagcina belimaze umlingani wabo kule nqubo.

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Ingabe Abagwemi Bayabuya Ngemva Kokuhlukana?

Ukuze siphendule lokhu, sidinga ukuqonda ukuthi kusho ukuthini “ukubuya” lapha. Usho ukuthini: 

• Umlayezo wombhalo
• Umhlangano wekhofi
• Ukuxhumana
• Ukuxolisa
• Noma into yangempela ukulungiswa kobudlelwano? 

Konke lokhu ukuziphatha okuhlukile okunezincazelo ezahlukene. Ngakho-ke, yebo, kunethuba elihle lokuthi umuntu ogwemayo angakuthumelela umyalezo futhi, akucele ukuthi nizoqomisana, futhi aze axhumane nawe. Uma yilokho okufunayo, kuhle kakhulu!

Kodwa, uma ubuza ukuthi ningabuyelana yini futhi nakhe ubuhlobo futhi nomuntu ogwemayo, amathuba lapha ayancipha. Ngaphandle kokuthi sebezisebenzele bona, baqonde amaphethini abo anobuthi, futhi bathole izindlela zokuwaphula, amandla okusunduza nokudonsa azoqhubeka. Ngakho-ke, noma ngabe babuya, futhi ubavumela, kukhona okunye ukudabuka kwenhliziyo okuzayo.

Kungani Abagwemi Bebuya

Manje ake sikubheke ngokuningiliziwe. Uma umuntu ogwemayo ebuya, zingaba yini izizathu zalokho? Impendulo yalokhu ingakusiza ukuthi unqume ukuthi ufuna ukubuyisana naye noma umane uqhubeke. Kunezizathu eziningana ezihambisanayo, futhi ezingaphezu kwesisodwa zingaba yiqiniso ngesikhathi esisodwa.

3. Ukwehla kwengcindezi ngokomzwelo kanye nokuqhelelana kuzwakala kuphephile

Uma ubudlelwano bungasebenzi, izidingo zokusondelana, ukulungiswa kwengxabano, kanye nokusabela ngokomzwelo kwansuku zonke kuyancipha. Lezi zidingo yizona ezabenza bahamba kwasekuqaleni. Manje, njengoba ingcindezi ingekho, bayalukhumbula uthando oluhambisana nobudlelwano futhi bafuna ukuthi ubuye. Uma ubavumela babuye, imiphumela emithathu ingaba khona:

• Udinga imizamo kubo futhi, futhi bayayeka njengoba benza ngaphambili
• Bafunda emaphutheni abo angaphambilini futhi basabela ngokomzwelo
• Ngokwesaba ukulahlekelwa yizo, wehlisa amathemba akho bese uphila ngazo izinkwa zokudla uthando abakunika lona ngezikhathi ezithile

Siyakukhuthaza ukuthi ungazinciphisi ukuze nje wenze izinto zisebenze. Ufanelwe okungcono kunalokho.

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4. Ukungezwani kwengqondo ebudlelwaneni

Ake sithi baqede izinto ngoba benomuzwa wokuthi “ukhuluphele kakhulu” noma “awulungile.” Kodwa ngemva kokuhlukana, bazizwa benesizungu noma baphuthelwa izingxenye ezinhle. Lapha, kuvela ukungavumelani. Bangase bakhohlwe izingxenye abangazithandi futhi bakhumbule izikhathi ezinhle kuphela. Ingqondo yabo ibatshela lokho

• Ubukhethekile
• Bethuka kakhulu
• Benza iphutha

Lokhu kungenza bafune ukuphinda baxhumane futhi. Futhi ngaphandle komsebenzi wangaphakathi, ubudlelwano cishe buzodlula enkambisweni efanayo futhi.

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5. Ukukhumbula izikhathi ezidlule kanye nokujwayelana

Ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi ubudlelwano be-On again off again bungaqhutshwa ukujwayelana, ukunamathelana okuqhubekayo, kanye nokunganeliseki ngezinye izindlela. Lokho akulona uthando, kodwa kuvamile.

Ngisho nangemva kokuhlukana, abantu abaningi bayaqhubeka nokuzizwa benamathele kubalingani bangaphambili, futhi isibopho singahlala sibucayi ezimpawini, ngisho nangemva kokuba ucabanga ukuthi usuhambile. 

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6. Kungani abantu abagwemayo bebuya bese behamba futhi

Udinga ukuqonda ukuthi ukuthi nje umuntu ogwemayo uyabuya akusho ukuthi useziqaphele futhi usesebenzele ekuziphatheni kwakhe. Kuze kube yilapho lo msebenzi usuqediwe, bahlala benamathele. Ngemva kokuhlukana, bayakukhumbula futhi bazame ukubuya. Futhi uma ubavumela, bazizwa benesidingo sokuhlukana futhi. Umjikelezo olula ubukeka kanje:

• Bazizwa besongelwa ukusondelana noma ingxabano bese beyahamba
• Ukuhlukana kunciphisa ukwesaba ukusondelana
• Ziyasondela futhi lapho izinto zithule, noma uma ungatholakali kakhulu
• Ukusondelana kuyakhula futhi futhi izivikelo ezindala ziyabuya 

Yingakho futhi ukubuyisana okuningi kungakhiqizi ubudlelwano obuzinzile. Ukuguquguquka kobudlelwano kuhlotshaniswa nokuguquguquka, futhi noma abantu behlangana kabusha, amaphethini okuxhumana ayisisekelo angahlala efana. Ngakho-ke, uma umuntu owayegwema ubudlelwano bakho ebuya kodwa ungazizwa uphephile ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, mhlawumbe kufanele ucabangele ukuhlukanisa izinto unomphela.

Izinhlobo Zokugwema Nokuthi Yini Eshintsha Amathuba

Impendulo ethi “Ingabe abantu abagwemayo bayabuya?” incike ekutheni baluhlobo luni lwabantu abagwemayo. Isibonelo, nakuba abantu abagwemayo abaxoshayo bevame ukuhlukana unomphela, labo abesabayo banamathuba amaningi okubhajwa emjikelezweni wokubaleka nokujaha. Ake sikuqonde ngethebula.

Uhlobo	Amathuba Okubuya	Ukuthi Kuvame Ukubukeka Kanjani Lapho Bebuya
Ukugwema Okuxoshayo	Kuphansi ukuya kumaphakathi	Ukuphinde kuvele buthule, ukuxhumana okungaqondile, izithembiso zokuzibophezela ezincishisiwe, ukugwema izingxoxo zokulungisa ezijulile.
Ukugwema Okwesabekayo	Kuphakathi kuya phezulu	Ukusondela, bese ubuyela emuva futhi, ukushintshashintsha okukhulu kwemizwelo, ukuhlola ukuphepha ngokuphindaphindiwe,
Ukugwema Okuphephile (Umuntu oye waqonda amaphethini abo futhi wasebenza ekuthuthukiseni)	ezingavamile	Ukuziphendulela okucacile, ukushintsha kokuziphatha okuqhubekayo, ukugxila ekulungiseni kunokuba kube yingxoxo yothando

Izimpawu Zokuthi Umuntu Ogwemayo Angase Abuye

Awukakwazi ukunquma ukuthi uqhubeke noma ulinde? Sesikhulume kakhulu ngabantu abagwemayo ngokuvamile kodwa wazi kanjani ukuthi umlingani wakho ogwemayo uzobuya noma cha? Nokho, akukho sibonakaliso esingenaphutha, kodwa amaphethini avela ngokuphindaphindiwe kokubili ocwaningweni kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho okuphilayo.

• Ukufinyelela okungaqondile: ukuphendula ezindabeni, ukuthanda okuthunyelwe, imibuzo engahleliwe, imiyalezo ethi “hey”
• Ukugcina intambo ivulekile: Abalokothi bavale ngokuphelele iluphu, bashiya umnyango uqhekekile
• Ilukuluku ngempilo yakho: babuza ngawe, hhayi bona kuphela
• Ukuhlola ukuphepha ngokomzwelo: imibhalo ephansi yokuzibophezela, amahlaya alula, izihloko eziphephile, bese uhoxa uma ucindezela

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Izimpawu Zokuthi Umuntu Ogwemayo Angase Angabuyi

Awufuni ukulinda unomphela umuntu osethuthe ngokuphelele, akunjalo? Nazi ezinye izimpawu zokuthi umuntu ogwemayo ngeke abuye, ukuze uyeke ukuzibamba bese uqala ukugxila ekuqhubekeni phambili.

• Ukuhoxa okuhlanzekile ngaphandle kwelukuluku futhi akukho zikhala zokuxhumana 
• Ukuziphatha okuhlala njalo kuhlelo olusha ubudlelwano obuzibophezele, hhayi nje ukuphindela emuva 
• Umlando wokubuyiselwa okuphindaphindiwe ngaphandle kokulungiswa futhi kungekho shintsho oluqhubekayo

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Okufanele Ukwenze Uma Umuntu Ogwemayo Ebuya

Lesi sigaba yisona okufanele usithathe ngokungathi sína kakhulu. Lapho umuntu owayegwema ucansi naye ebuya , kungazwakala sengathi impumuzo emzimbeni wakho ngaphambi kokuba kuzwakale sengathi kucacile engqondweni yakho. Leyo mpendulo ingokwemvelo. Uhlelo lwakho lukhumbula ukuxhumana, hhayi ukudideka. Kodwa yilapho kanye abantu abaningi bekhubeka khona. Akudingeki usabele ngokushesha. Udinga ukuphendula ngokuqaphela.

Nansi indlela yokubhekana nayo ngaphandle kokubuyela emjikelezweni ofanayo.

1. Chaza ukuthi kusho ukuthini ngempela ukuthi “ukubuyela emuva” ngaphambi kokuba uphendule

Ngaphambi kokuba uphendule umyalezo wabo noma uvume ukuhlangana, yima kancane bese uzibuza umbuzo olula kodwa ongakhululekile: Kusho ukuthini kimi ukuthi “ukubuyela emuva”?

Ingabe uvulelekile ku:

• Ingxoxo eya ku- thola ukuvala
• Ukuxhumana okungahleliwe ngaphandle kokuzibophezela
• Ukuzama futhi kancane kancane
• Noma ukubuyisana okuphelele

Uma ungakuchazi lokhu ngokucacile, uzongena kunoma yini abayinikezayo. Futhi ukuzulazula yindlela abantu abadonselwa ngayo emuva emaphethini ababevele bebhekene nawo. Ungase ucabange ukuthi “ubona nje ukuthi kuhamba kanjani,” kodwa empeleni, unikeza umuntu osevele ebonise ukungaguquguquki ukulawula ijubane nesiqondiso. Zinike isikhashana sokunquma indinganiso yakho ngaphambi kokuzibandakanya. Kukugcina uzinzile lapho imizwa ihlangana.

2. Qondanisa amagama abo nokuziphatha, hhayi indlela ozizwa ngayo

Uma abantu abagwemayo bebuya, bavame ukusho izinto ezibaduduzayo. Bangase baveze ukuthi bayakukhumbula , bacabanga ngawe, noma bafuna ukuphinda baxhumane. Futhi kulula ukubakholelwa ngoba ingxenye yakho ifuna kube yiqiniso. Kodwa udinga ukugcina ikhanda lakho liqondile. Ungalinganisi ubuqotho babo ngokuthi uzizwa uqine kangakanani. Linganisa ngalokho abakwenzayo ngempela. Bheka:

• Ukungaguquguquki ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, hhayi nje ukuqina okwamanje
• Izenzo ezihambisana nalokho ezikushoyo
• Umzamo oqalwa yibo, hhayi oshukunyiswa nguwe

Ushintsho lwangempela lubonakala ezenzweni zabo. Noma ubani angasho ukuthi sebeshintshile. Bambalwa kakhulu abalubonisa njalo.

"Bathanda ukuthi 'Angiphinde ngibuyele emuva. Sengiqedile.' Babheka amazwi abo njengangenamsebenzi lapho isimiso sabo sezinzwa singasasebenzi kahle. Abaningi bashintsha indlela abakhuluma ngayo ezinyangeni ezimbalwa kamuva uma imizwa yabo emikhulu isizolile. Hlanza futhi."

- Umsebenzisi we-Reddit

3. Thuthukisa ingxoxo iye ekulungiseni, hhayi ekukhumbuleni isikhathi esidlule

Uma othile ebuya, kuyayenga ukukhuluma ngezikhathi ezimnandi. Izinkumbulo, ukuxhumana, induduzo. Ukukhumbula izinto ezidlule kuzwakala kuphephile ngoba kugwema izingxenye ezinzima. Kodwa uma uhlala lapho, akukho okushintshayo ngempela. Esikhundleni salokho, shintsha ingxoxo kancane uye ekulungiseni. Lokho kusho ukubhekana nalokhu:

• Yini ngempela eyaholela ekudeni noma ekuhlukaneni
• Yini eshintshile kusukela ngaleso sikhathi, ikakhulukazi
• Indlela nobabili enizobhekana ngayo nezinto ezifanayo uma ziphinde zivele

Isibonelo, uma behoxile ngaphambilini ngesikhathi sezingxoxo ezithinta imizwa, bazokwenzenjani ngendlela ehlukile ngesikhathi esizayo? Futhi uzokwenzenjani? Ngaphandle kwalokhu, umane uqala kabusha amandla afanayo ngethemba elisha.

4. Beka umngcele owodwa ovikela isithunzi sakho

Awudingi uhlu olude lwemithetho. Udinga umngcele owodwa obaluleke ngokwanele ukuvikela ukuzinza kwakho ngokomzwelo. Lo mngcele kufanele ube:

• Sula
• Kukhulunywe ngokuthula
• Ngokusekelwe kokuhlangenwe nakho kwakho kwangaphambilini

Isibonelo: “Uma ukuxhumana kwehla izinsuku eziningi ngaphandle kwencazelo, ngeke ngiqhubeke nalokhu.” Qonda ukubaluleka kwakho futhi ucacise ngokuphelele ngalokho ozokwamukela nalokho ongeke ukwamukele. Ingxenye ebalulekile akukhona nje ukubeka umngcele , kodwa futhi nokulandela uma weqa. Yilapho abantu abaningi belwa khona. Babeka umngcele, bese bewushaya indiva lapho imizwa ihileleka.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Imicabango Final

Ingabe abantu abagwemayo bayabuya kungaba umbuzo ongalungile uma kukugcina ubambekile? Umbuzo ongcono ukuthi ufuna ubudlelwano lapho ukugwema ubuthakathaka kulawula khona izinga lokushisa lothando. Uma bebuya, funa ukucaca. Ukulungiswa kwesidingo. Ukufuna ukungaguquguquki. Uma lokho kuzwakala kukhulu kakhulu ukukubuza, usuvele unayo impendulo yakho.

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Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.