Kuthetsa banja sikophweka. Ngakhale mutadzipeza kuti muli muukwati umene ukuwoneka kuti watha, chiyembekezo chochokapo chingakhale chodetsa nkhaŵa. Musanapite kukafunafuna maloya, inu ndi mnzanu muyenera kuganizira njira zina m'malo mosudzulana. Ndani akudziwa kuti mutha kupeza njira yopulumukira yomwe imakupulumutsirani kunkhondo yamalamulo yowononga malingaliro komanso zachuma.
Izi zanenedwa, tikufuna kunenanso kuti kufunafuna njira zina zosiyanitsira banja ndi kuthetsa banja ndi njira yabwino ngati muli m'banja lomwe likuyenda bwino lomwe lingakhudze mavuto chifukwa chamalingaliro, kugonana, ndalama, uzimu kapena moyo kapena chifukwa cha zinthu zakunja ndi kupsinjika.
Ngati muli muukwati wankhanza kapena wapoizoni, kuipa kwa chisudzulo kumazimiririka poyerekezera ndi mapindu ake. Muyenera kuika patsogolo kupeza njira zodzitetezera ndi kuchiza ku zowawa zomwe mudakumana nazo m'malo mofunafuna njira zina m'malo mwa kusudzulana.
Tsopano popeza tathetsa izi, tiyeni tiyang'anenso chifukwa chomwe muyenera kufufuza njira zopangira chisudzulo poyamba. Ngati banja silikuyenda bwino, bwanji osangotuluka ndikuyambanso? N’cifukwa ciani tiyenela kuganizila zosankha za m’banja losakondwela? Kodi njira ina m'malo mopatukana ingathandize kupulumutsa banja losweka? Timapita kwa asing'anga omwe ali ndi zilolezo, omwe amakhazikika pakusudzulana ndi upangiri paubwenzi, kuti akupezereni mayankho.
Kodi Kuipa Kwachisudzulo Ndi Chiyani?
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
Mukakhala muukwati wosasangalala kapena wopanda chikondi, chiyembekezo chothetsa ukwati chingawoneke ngati kuwala kumapeto kwa njira. Koma kodi ndi zoona? Ngati ukwati wanu suli m'magulu ankhanza kapena oopsa omwe atchulidwa pamwambapa, kodi kusudzulana ndiye njira yokhayo yothetsera vutoli? Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), yemwe ndi katswiri pa nkhani ya kulekana ndi uphungu wa kusudzulana, sakuganiza choncho.
Atapereka uphungu kwa anthu ukwati wawo usanachitike, mkati ndi pambuyo pake, Shazia amakhulupirira mwamphamvu kuti kuipa kwa chisudzulo kaŵirikaŵiri kumabisidwa ndi ululu wa unansi wosakhutiritsa. Podzafika nthaŵi imene anthu amazindikira kuti kusudzulana sikuli kovutirapo kuposa kupangitsa ukwati kukhala wopambana, nthawi yatha kale. Ndicho chifukwa chake akufuna kuti muganizire kuipa kotsatiraku kwa chisudzulo musanaganize ngati kuthetsa banja ndiko njira yabwino kwambiri yopezera banja lanu:
Kuwerenga Kofanana: Kumanganso Ukwati Wanu Panthawi Yopatukana Ndi Malangizo 13 Awa
1. Kusudzulana n’kovuta
Mwinamwake mukudabwa chifukwa chake musankhe moyo wina muukwati pamene mutha kusudzula wokondedwa wanu mosavuta. Shazia ananena kuti: “Ngakhale kuti banja lanu lili ndi mavuto kapena mukukumana ndi mavuto, dziwani kuti kusudzulana sikukhala kophweka.”
Kupatulapo kuvutika maganizo chifukwa chothetsa chibwenzi chomwe chakhala nkhani yaikulu m'moyo wanu, kusudzulana kungawononge ndalama kwa onse awiri. Mwachitsanzo, ku US, mtengo wapakati wa kusudzulana ndi $15,000 pa mnzanu aliyense. Ndipo mikangano yokhudza kusamalira ana, kugawa katundu, ndalama zothandizira ana ndi zina zotero zingakhale zovulaza kwambiri.
Shazia akulangiza kuti: “Chisankho chothetsa ukwati sichiyenera kutengedwa motengeka maganizo. Musalole mkwiyo, kupweteka, kukhumudwa kusonkhezere chosankha chanu cha kusudzula mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu chifukwa chakuti maganizo anu sakhazikika. Pamene kufulumira kwa malingaliro kumazimiririka - kaya patatha tsiku chisudzulo kapena zaka 5 pansi pa mzerewo – munganong’oneze bondo chosankha chanu.”
2. Kusudzulana kumathetsa maubwenzi ena ambiri
Chimodzi mwa zinthu zomwe sizimaganiziridwa bwino komanso zomwe sizimaganiziridwa bwino za kusudzulana ndichakuti sikungothetsa ubale wanu ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu. Maubwenzi ena ambiri amasweka chifukwa cha kusudzulana. Mwachitsanzo, tiyerekeze kuti muli pafupi kwambiri ndi mlongo wa mwamuna wanu kapena abambo a mkazi wanu. Ngati kusudzulana kukuchitika, mwina mungataye ubale wapadera womwe muli nawo.
“Popeza kuti okwatirana amagawana moyo wawo wapamtima, macheza awo ambiri amasokonekera pakapita nthawi.” Chikachitika chisudzulo, mabanja, mabwenzi ndi mabwenzi angakhale pachiwopsezo chifukwa chakuti angakhale kumbali ya m’banja mmodzi kapenanso winayo.
3. Sikuti ndikukonza pompopompo pazovuta zanu
“Chisudzulo sichiri chothetsera mwamsanga chimene chidzathetsa mavuto anu onse ndi masoka anu, koma ndi njira mwa iyo yokha, ndipo imene imabwera ndi mavuto akeake, zopinga zapamsewu ndi nthaŵi zosautsa.
“Kugwirizana kwa okwatirana kumafunikira ntchito, ndipo ntchitoyo iyenera kuchitidwa tsiku ndi tsiku osati molakwika kapena pamene mukuikonda.” Chotero, musanalingalire za chisudzulo monga njira yopulumukira, lingalirani mosamalitsa mavuto anu ndi kuwona ngati ndi mmene mungawathetsere,” akutero Shazia. Zakudya zoganizira, simukuganiza? Chabwino, ndi chifukwa chabwino chokwanira kuyang'ana njira zopangira chisudzulo.
4. Zotsatira zoyipa kwa ana
Ngati pali ana omwe akukhudzidwa, zotsatira zake zoipa mosakayikira ndi chimodzi mwa zovuta zazikulu za kusudzulana. "Ngati ana ali aang'ono, kusudzulana kwa makolo kumakhudza kwambiri 100% ya nthawi. Pali kudzimva wosatetezeka, kupsinjika maganizo ndi mantha okhudza kusatsimikizika komwe banja losweka lingawagwetse. Zotsatira zakuya za kusudzulana kwa ana ziyenera kuganiziridwa.
“Iwo adakali aang’ono kwambiri moti sangawone makolo awo achikulire aŵiri okhala ndi nkhani kapena zolakwa zawozawo, kapena kumvetsa chifukwa chimene makolo awo angalingalire chisudzulo monga chosankha choyenera kwa iwo eni ndi banja.” Kuwonjezera pa zimenezi mantha achiweruzo ochokera kwa anzawo kapena chitaganya, ndipo kulekana kwa makolo kungakhale chokumana nacho chopweteka kwambiri chimene chingamvekenso m’moyo wawo wauchikulire,” akufotokoza motero Shazia. Panthawi imeneyi, ukwati womasuka m’malo mwa chisudzulo umawoneka ngati lingaliro labwino.
5. Kuyambiranso kungakhale kochititsa mantha
"Moyo wanu ukakhala wolumikizana kwambiri, kuwagawanitsa ndikuyambanso kumakhala koopsa," akutero Shazia. Kodi mumayambira pati kulekanitsa moyo womwe mwamanga limodzi, njerwa ndi njerwa, pazaka zambiri? Ndani angasunge sofa yoyamba yomwe mudagula pogulitsa garaja? Nanga bwanji zithunzi za pamalo oimikira usiku? Kodi zingakhale bwanji kukhala m'nyumba yatsopano pambuyo pa zaka zonsezi? Kodi mumadziwa bwanji kuti ndinu osakwatiwa?
Kuwerenga Kofanana: Zinthu 10 Zoyenera Kuchita Mukaganiza Zokhudza Kusudzulana
6. Kusiya kukhulupirirana
Chimodzi mwa zinthu zoyipa kwambiri zomwe zimachitika chifukwa cha kusudzulana ndichakuti kulephera kwa banja kungakupangitseni kukhala ndi nkhani zozama zokhudzana ndi kudalirana . Makamaka ngati chifukwa cha kusudzulana ndi kusakhulupirika - kaya mwa kusakhulupirika kapena kunama. "Munthu wosudzulana angavutike kwambiri kukhulupirira mnzake wina wachikondi. Izi zingalepheretse luso lake lopanga ubale wakuya komanso wopindulitsa ndikuyambanso," akutero Shazia.
7. Mavuto a kulera okha ana
Ichi chikumveka ngati chifukwa chabwino chokhalira ndi moyo wina m’malo mwa chisudzulo. Ngati pali ana amene akukhudzidwa, kholo limene limakhala ndi udindo wolera yekha anawo liyenera kulimbana ndi mavuto ambirimbiri amene amabwera chifukwa chokhala kholo limodzi. Kuwongolera chilichonse kuyambira kusukulu mpaka kusukulu zakunja kwinaku akuwongolera ntchito ndi maudindo ocheza nawo kungakhale ulendo wotopetsa komanso wosungulumwa.
Mungafunike kuyimitsa zinthu zingapo pa moyo wanu mpaka mwana/ana atakula ndikudziyimira pawokha. Ichi ndichifukwa chake kukhala ndi chibwenzi ngati mayi kapena bambo osakwatiwa kumaoneka ngati maloto akutali kwa anthu ambiri osudzulana. Kusowa kwa ubale wapamtima kungawonjezere kusungulumwa komwe kumabwera chifukwa cha kusudzulana.
Njira 5 Zothetsera Chisudzulo Mungaganizire
Poganizira kuipa kwa chisudzulo kumeneku, mungafune kufufuza njira zina za moyo m’malo mwa kusudzulana kapena kuchitapo kanthu akatswiri komwe kungathandize kupulumutsa ubwenzi wanu ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu. Inde, malinga ngati banja lanu silikuyenda bwino komanso lopanda thanzi kwa onse okhudzidwa, kuphatikizapo ana, palibe vuto poganizira njira zina zaukwati wopanda chisangalalo.
Dokotala wa zamaganizo Dr Aman Bhonsle (PhD, PGDTA), yemwe ndi katswiri pa uphungu wa ubale ndi Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, alemba njira 5 zomwe mungayesere m'malo mwa kusudzulana, kutengera momwe ukwati wanu ulili kapena mavuto omwe mukukumana nawo:
1. Njira Yotulukiranso
Dr Bhonsle anati: “Nthawi zambiri, mabanja amafika pachimake chifukwa chakuti okwatirana amalephera kugwirizana chifukwa chotengeka ndi zinthu za tsiku ndi tsiku zimene zimachititsa kuti moyo wawo uziyenda bwino.
“N’kwachibadwa kuti kusakhutira kuloŵe m’ubwenzi woterowo, umene ukhoza kuyambitsa mikangano yosalekeza ndi mikangano ya kaŵirikaŵiri, kuchititsa okwatirana kukhulupirira kuti ukwati udzatha ndipo chisudzulo ndicho njira yokha yopulumukira.
“Zikatero, pofufuza njira zina za kupatukana m’banja zomwe zingathe kutha m’chisudzulo, ndi bwino kuyamba ndi chipatso chotsika kwambiri.” Pangani nthawi ndi kuyesetsa kuti muzindikirenso ndi kumvetsana wina ndi mnzake ndi kuonanso zamoyo zomwe mudagawana nazo popuma pafupipafupi, kupita kutchuthi, kukonza masiku okhudzana ndi inu monga okwatirana, ndipo nthawi zonse muziika patsogolo.
"Tsopano, sindikunena kuti kupita ku tchuthi chimodzi kungalepheretse kusudzulana. Komabe, nthawi zambiri vuto lalikulu likakhala kusungulumwa muubwenzi , zingathandize onse awiri kuona kuti kuthetsa ukwati si njira yokhayo yomwe ingawathandize. Iyi ndi imodzi mwa njira zosavuta zokhalira ndi moyo m'malo mwa kusudzulana zomwe ziyenera kufufuzidwa musanachite zinthu mwachibadwa kuti mutuluke."
2. Uphungu wa kusudzulana
Ngati kusiyana kwanu kapena nkhani zanu zili zozama kwambiri kapena zokhazikika kuposa kungokhala osalumikizana, ndiye kuti kufunafuna upangiri wothetsa banja kungakhale njira imodzi yabwino kwambiri yopezera banja losasangalala. “Lankhulani ndi katswiri amene angamvetse kusiyana kwanuko ndi mikangano yanu komanso akudziwitseni kumene kukuchokera ndi zimene mungachite kuti muthetse.
"Kupereka uphungu pa chisudzulo kapena chithandizo cha banja kungakhale njira ina m'malo mwa chisudzulo pomwe banja likuvutika ndi nkhani monga njira zosiyana zolerera ana kapena makhalidwe osiyana a moyo ndi umunthu. Mwachitsanzo, ngati mnzawo mmodzi amayenda kwambiri kuntchito ndipo winayo sakonda kuyenda, mtunda wokhazikika ukhoza kuyambitsa kusiyana pakati pawo."
“Mofananamo, ngati m’banja mmodzi ali wochezeka kwambiri ndi wochezeka ndipo winayo alibe, zosoŵa ndi ziyembekezo zosagwirizana zingakhale magwero a mikangano yosalekeza.” Kugwira ntchito ndi mlangizi wophunzitsidwa bwino ndi wodziŵa zambiri kungakuthandizeni kupeza njira yothetsera kusiyana kumeneku,” akutero Dr Bhonsle.
3. Kuthetsa banja
Ngati uphungu sukuwoneka ngati woyenera kapena onse awiri sakugwirizana pankhaniyi, njira yothetsera kusudzulana ingathandizenso. “Mutha kufunsa wachibale wodziwa bwino ntchito kapena mnzanu wodalirika amene mumamasuka naye ndikupempha uphungu wawo wa momwe mungathanirane ndi mavuto anu.
Ngati kuthetsa vuto lanu sikukuwoneka ngati kuli kotheka, munthu uyu atha kukuthandizaninso kupeza njira zina zothanirana ndi zisudzulo monga kukhala paokha kapena kusintha momwe banja lanu likuyendera, ndi zina zotero.
“Komabe, n’kofunika kwambiri kuti wosankhidwayo akhale munthu amene angathandize kuthetsa kusiyanako osati kulikulitsa mwa kubweretsa maganizo awoawo ndi katundu wawo.” Winawake kulalikira kapena kungokuuzani kuti mulime ndi kupirira ndiye chinthu chomaliza chimene mungafunikire pamene ukwati wanu watsala pang’ono kutha ndipo mukuganizira njira zina m’malo mopatukana m’banja,” akulangiza motero Dr Bhonsle.
Kuwerenga Kofanana: Kodi Uphungu wa Ukwati Umagwira Ntchito Pothetsa Mavuto a Ubwenzi?
4. Kutanthauziranso ukwati
Malinga ndi Dr Bhonsle, kufunikira kolankhula momveka bwino komanso moona mtima sikungatsindike mokwanira, posatengera kuti muli pagawo liti laubwenzi. "Momwemo m'malo antchito mumakhala ndimisonkhano yamabungwe komwe okhudzidwa osiyanasiyana amakumana kuti awone zomwe zikuyenda ndi zomwe sizikuyenda, khalani ndi zokambirana ndi mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu.
"Kodi aliyense wa inu akumva bwanji pazachuma, m'malingaliro, mwakuthupi, m'zogonana? Kodi mkhalidwe wanu wasintha bwanji? Kodi pali zovuta zilizonse zomwe zikuchulukirachulukira kuntchito? Ndi zina zotero. Izi ndizofunikira chifukwa anthu amakula ndikusintha pakapita nthawi, mopangidwa ndi zomwe akumana nazo. Ngati simunakhalepo ndi zokambirana izi m'mbuyomu, ndizotheka kuti chimodzi mwazosowa zanu, zomwe mukufuna, ziyembekezo ndi zokhumba za munthu wina zasintha kwathunthu.
Monga momwe amanenera, ndibwino kuchedwa kuposa kusachitapo kalikonse. Yesani kukambirana nkhaniyi tsopano ndipo mwina mupeza mfundo zomwe mungagwirizane nazo kuti mufotokozenso ukwati wanu m'njira yomwe ingavomerezedwe ndi okwatirana onse awiri. Mawu osinthidwawo akhoza kukhala olimba mtima ngati kusankha ukwati wotseguka m'malo mwa kusudzulana.
Kapenanso zosayembekezereka monga kukhala muukwati wa makolo - kumene mumaganiza zokhala pamodzi chifukwa cha ana, kukhala motalikirana koma pamodzi - kumene mumakhala mosiyana koma mumagwira ntchito monga banja limodzi, kapena kukhala pamodzi koma motalikirana - kumene mumakhalira limodzi koma mukukhala moyo wa munthu payekha kuposa zina zomwe mwagwirizana. Si njira yoyipa m'banja yoti muganizirepo.
5. Kulekana kwa mayesero
Ngati zonse zalephera, mutha kuyesa kulekana ngati njira ina m'malo mwa kusudzulana. Kulekana kwakanthawi ndi njira imodzi yomwe imalimbikitsidwa kwambiri pamene okwatirana akuganiza zosudzulana chifukwa imakupatsirani lingaliro la momwe kusakhala limodzi kungamvekere musanayike chizindikiro chovomerezeka pa chisankho chanu.
“Khalani kutali kwa wina ndi mnzake kwa kanthaŵi.” Mmodzi wa okwatiranawo akhoza kusamuka, ndipo amapita popanda kuonana kapena kulankhulana kwa nthaŵi imene mwasankha.
Mwinamwake, mudzawona kuti kusudzulana sikuli njira yokhayo yopulumukira. Kapena kulekana kwachiyeso kungakutsimikizireni kuti kuthetsa ukwati ndi chinthu choyenera kuchita. Mulimonsemo, mudzakhala otsimikiza za chisankho chomaliza chomwe mungapange.
Monga momwe ukwati uliwonse ungapulumutsidwire, si ukwati uliwonse womwe uli ndi mavuto ambiri womwe uyenera kutha ndi chisudzulo . Njira zina zopangira izi m'malo mwa chisudzulo zingakupatseni mwayi woyambira mwatsopano kapena osachepera kupangitsa kuti kupatukana kusakhale kopweteka kwambiri.
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Chopereka chanu sichikutanthauza chopereka chachifundo . Chidzalola Bonobology kupitiliza kukubweretserani chidziwitso chatsopano komanso chaposachedwa poyesetsa kuthandiza aliyense padziko lonse lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.
