Ngati ndinu wamng’ono ndipo simunakwatirebe kapena mwakhala m’banja kwa zaka zoŵerengeka chabe, mungakhale mukudabwa ngati ukwati wopanda chisembwere ulidi wothekera. Kodi anthu aŵiri angapulumuke motani m’banja lopanda chikondi, lopanda kugonana? Kodi okwatirana angakhale bwanji m’banja lopanda kugonana ndi kukhala osangalala? Chofunika koposa, mungakhale bwanji okhulupirika m’banja lopanda kugonana? Kapena ndikwabwino kubera ngati muli pachibwenzi chosagonana?
Chabwino, khulupirirani kapena musakhulupirire, koma ukwati ngati uwu ndi choonadi m'madera onse. Sizikambidwa kawirikawiri panja koma ankakhala pansi pa denga limodzi tsiku ndi tsiku. M'buku Zisokonezo: Chikondi, Kugonana ndi Kukhulupirika, wolemba Raksha Bharadia akuwunika momwe maukwati achimwemwe ali ndi ming'alu ndi mikwingwirima yomwe okwatirana amakumana nayo nthawi zonse. Anthu salankhula za matenda awo mpaka atawonana ndi dokotala. Momwemonso, ndi pamene anthu akulimbana ndi chipinda chakufa, amapita kwa katswiri waukwati kuti akapeze chithandizo kuti apulumuke m'banja lopanda kugonana popanda kunyenga.
Tinalankhula ndi wophunzitsa moyo ndi mlangizi Joie Bose, yemwe ndi katswiri wolangiza anthu amene amakumana ndi nkhanza za m’mabanja, kutha kwa mabanja, ndi zibwenzi zakunja, za njira zopulumutsira m’banja lopanda kugonana popanda chinyengo. Ananenanso za mmene ukwati wopanda kugonana umakhudzira anthu okwatirana ndiponso mmene angachitire nawo.
Kukhala mu Ukwati Wopanda Chigololo
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
Ku India, kulekanitsa chipinda chogona nthawi zambiri kumapangitsa kuti zinthu ziwonekere, zomwe okwatirana sazifuna. Ichi n’chifukwa chake amapitirizabe kugona pabedi limodzi ngakhale kuti ali m’banja lopanda kugonana. A Kafukufuku wa 2003 wopangidwa ndi Newsweek zikuwonetsa kuti 15-20% ya anthu ali m'maukwati osagonana. Zinthu zambiri zimapangitsa anthu kukankhira kutali kugonana monga kupsinjika maganizo, kufunikira kopereka chisamaliro chonse kwa ana, ntchito zapakhomo, kukakamizidwa kuntchito, ngakhalenso zaumoyo.
Okwatirana amene amasiya kugonana sikuti amagwa m’chikondi kwenikweni koma akazindikira kuti kugonana sikulinso mbali ya moyo wawo, pangakhale kukhumudwa kwakukulu, ndewu, ndi kupatsana mlandu m’banja kumawatsogolera kulimbana ndi lingaliro la kupulumuka m’banja lopanda kugonana. Koma kodi ukwati wopanda kugonana ndi wosayenera? Ayi, ayi.
Anthu ambiri ali m'maukwati opanda kugonana ndipo akuchita bwino kwambiri. Mabanja angapo, omwe ali nawo osankhidwa kukhala mbeta atabereka ana, nthawi zambiri amanena kuti kusakhala ndi chikakamizo chogonana kwawapatsa mtendere. Amakhala okondwa kuwongolera mphamvu zawo m'njira zopanga. Mabanja ena amaona kugonana ngati chinthu chosangalatsa. Ngati akusangalala kuchita zinthu zina, samaphonya kugonana. Palinso maanja omwe ali osagonana, chifukwa chake, kusagonana ndi momwe amafunira kuti ukwati wawo ukhale.
Koma pali maukwati ena opanda kugonana omwe nthawi zambiri amatsogolera ku zibwenzi zomwe zimapangitsa kuti anthu azikondana. Kodi ndi bwino kubera ngati muli pachibwenzi chosagonana? Malinga ndi Chimwemwe, “Chofunika kwambiri m’banja ndi kudzipereka, n’chifukwa chake kubera sikuli koyenera.” Muyenera kusankha ngati kugonana n’kofunika kwa inu.
Ngakhale kuti ambiri anganene kuti chinthu chovuta kwambiri cha kukhala m’banja lopanda kugonana ndicho kusabera, mwinamwake pali ena ambiri amene anganenenso kuti ukwati si nkhani ya kugonana kokha ndi kuti pali zinthu zina zambiri zimene zimathandiza kuti ukwati ukhale wopambana. M'nkhaniyi, tikambirana njira zopulumutsira banja lopanda kugonana popanda kunyenga mnzanu.
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Momwe Mungapulumukire Ukwati Wopanda Chigololo Osanyenga
Ukwati wopanda chiwerewere udzatsogolera ku kubera, ndi zomwe munthu wamba anganene. Kusagonana kwa m'banja kungaphatikizepo kusafuna kugonana kwa wina ndi mzake ndi kuyesetsa kwa winayo kuletsa zilakolako zawo. Koma liti, kuti, ndi momwe chilakolako ichi chogonana chimadziwonetsera, simudziwa.
Ray (dzina lasinthidwa) anali m’banja lopanda kugonana kwa zaka 16. Kwa chaka choyamba, adawonetsa chidwi, kenako idachepera miyezi ingapo mpaka idafika pachimake pomwe amayesa kukhala ndi mwana, makamaka kugonana ndi mankhwala ndi Viagra. Atangotenga pakati, zonse zinatha. Anatanganidwa ndi mwanayo ndipo anatanganidwa ndi ntchito yake ndipo ankakambirana pa khofi kuti, "Tiyenera kuchita nthawi ina. Sichinthu chabwino kuti sitikuchita." Koma 'kuchita' kunangokhala kungokambirana chabe. Sizinawonekere m'chipinda chogona.
Posachedwapa, anakumana ndi mnzake wogwira naye ntchito ndipo anayamba kukopeka naye. Anamva chikhumbo chofuna kugonana, chomwe ankaganiza kuti chinamuthera kalekale. Kunyumba amayembekeza kuti chikhumbochi chimuthandiza kukhala paubwenzi ndi mwamuna wake koma adazindikira kuti samakopekanso naye, ngakhale amamukondabe komanso amamusamala kwambiri. Tsopano, mumkhalidwe woterowo, kodi angabere mwamuna wake kapena kupitiriza kukhalabe ndi ukwati wopanda chisembwere popanda kunyenga? Tikukuuzani zinthu 10 zomwe anthu omwe ali m'mabanja osagonana angachite kuti apewe kubera.
1. Dzifunseni kuti chofunika n’chiyani
Kugonana kapena kukhazikitsa mwamtendere komwe mumakhala ndi ana anu ndi okondedwa anu? Kubera kugonana kudzagwedeza boti mosapeŵeka. Padzakhala zovuta komanso zotsatira zaukwati wopanda kugonana kwa mkazi kapena mwamuna. Palibe chitsimikizo chakuti kugonana komwe mumachita kunja kwa ukwati wanu nakonso sikudzatha. Mungaimbidwe mlandu wosokoneza ukwati wanu kapenanso kukakamizidwa kuchokamo.
Malinga ndi Joie, “Dzifunseni nokha chimene chili chofunika kwa inu.
Anthu atha kuyamba ndi kulumikizana kosavuta, gonana mwachisawawa, koma pamene anthu aŵiri ali m’banja, n’kosatheka kuti ziyembekezo zisaloŵe m’malo. Nthawi zina ndi bwino kukhalabe ngakhale udzu uli wobiriwira mbali inayo. Kupulumuka m'banja lopanda kugonana popanda kunyenga kumatanthauza kuyang'ana chithunzi chachikulu ndikusankha zomwe mukufunadi.
2. Palibe kugonana koma pali ulemu
Kodi mumatani kuti mukhalebe okhulupirika m’banja lopanda kugonana? Chabwino, apa pali malangizo othandiza a ukwati osagonana. Kugonana mwina kwatha m'banja mwanu koma ngati mumalemekezana ndikugawana maloto, ndiye kuti mutha kungopulumuka m'banja lopanda kugonana popanda kubera. Ganizirani za ulemu umene muli nawo kwa wina ndi mnzake.
Mukafunsa mozungulira, maanja angakuuzeni kuti akhoza kukhala ndi kugonana kochititsa chidwi kwambiri koma atangotuluka pabedi, mikangano imayamba ndipo ubale wawo umagunda maenje. Kodi mungakonde kukhala mumkhalidwe wotere? Kapena mumayamikira zimene muli nazo? Kulemekezana ndi imodzi mwa njira zabwino kwambiri zopulumutsira ukwati wopanda chikondi, wopanda kugonana. Kugonana mwina kwatha, mwina mwagwa chifukwa cha chikondi. Koma nthawi zonse mukhoza kukhala ndi ulemu ndi chikondi kwa munthu amene simuli naye pachibwenzi.
3. Ukwati wopanda kugonana komanso kunyenga m'maganizo
Pali ziyambukiro zamaganizo za ukwati wopanda kugonana. Banja lopanda kugonana likhoza kukhala ndi chiyambukiro kwa mkazi kapena mwamuna wanu chifukwa chake akhoza kulowa mu chibwenzi popanda kuzindikira. Kukhala ndi unansi wotero ndi munthu amene si mwamuna kapena mkazi wake kaŵirikaŵiri kumakhala kalambula bwalo wa chisembwere. Komabe, kuthetsa ukwati wopanda kugonana, nthawi zina ndi bwino kukhala ndi chiyanjano ndi wina. Malingana ngati sizikupangitsa kusakhulupirika ndipo mukudziwa komwe mungatengere mzere, mudzatha kupulumuka ukwati wanu wopanda kugonana popanda kuyang'ana chinyengo ngati njira.
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4. Kugonana ndi gawo chabe la ubale wapamtima
Ngati muli ndi chikondi, kukhulupirirana, kulemekezana, ndi kulankhulana kwabwino m’banja lopanda kugonana, n’zotheka kupulumuka popanda chinyengo. Pambuyo pa tsiku lalitali, ngati mutha kukhala pamodzi pampando ndikukambirana, kusinthana zochitika za tsikulo kapena kukambirana za mapulani amtsogolo kapena malingaliro a tchuthi, ndizokwanira. Izi zimatsogolera ku chiyanjano chomwe nthawi zambiri chimakhala champhamvu kuposa chogonana.
Pofotokoza nkhani ya kasitomala, Joie anati: "Ndinalankhula ndi banjali lomwe linali lisanagone kwa nthawi yaitali. Koma anali ogwirizana ndipo ankadalirana wina ndi mzake monga mabwenzi. Kugonana sikunali vuto pakati pawo. Panalipo mavuto ena koma kugonana sikunakhalepo limodzi mwa iwo.
5. Landirani kusagonana kwa m’banja mwanu
Momwe mungakhalire m'banja lopanda kugonana ndikukhala osangalala? Eya, njira imodzi ndiyo kuvomereza kusagonana kwa ukwati wanu. Kulankhulana bwino kungakuthandizeni kukambirana chifukwa chake kugonana sikukukuthandizaninso nonse ndi zomwe mungafune kuchita sungani motowo. Mungafune kuchita zinthu zomwe mumakonda kuchita limodzi monga kulima dimba, kuonera mafilimu, kuyenda, ndi zina zotero. Mabanja ambiri amakhala ogwirizana mwa kuchita zinthu limodzi.
6. Sankhani kudzisangalatsa
Kodi mungapulumuke bwanji m'banja lopanda kugonana popanda kunyenga? Onse okwatirana amatha kusankha zokondweretsa komanso ngakhale kuthandizidwa ndi zoseweretsa zogonana. Kugonana ndi chosowa chachilengedwe ndipo, nthawi zina, kusowa kwake kungayambitse kukhumudwa. Zikatero, onse awiri angasankhe kusangalala. M'madera aku India, amayi sakonda kudzisangalatsa ndipo amaona kuti chisangalalo cha kugonana chimakhala pakugwirana ndi wokondedwa wawo. Izo sizowona kwenikweni. Akazi akhoza kudzisangalatsa okha popanda kuchita manyazi nazo. Izi zipangitsa kuti banja lopanda kugonana likhale labwino komanso kuti anthu okwatirana asamachite chinyengo.
7. Yendani kwambiri
Fez (dzina losinthidwa) amayenda kwambiri ndi mkazi wake. Akayang'ana m'mbuyo, akunena kuti sakumbukira zomwe anachita m'chipinda cha hotelo chifukwa iwo sanachitepo. Nthawi zonse ankasangalala kwambiri ndi kufufuza malo atsopano kuti kugonana kudzakhala chinthu chotsiriza m'maganizo mwawo. Kuyenda kapena kuthawa kumapeto kwa sabata kungakhale njira yabwino yobweretsera chisangalalo chomwe chilipo muukwati wanu wopanda kugonana. Konzani ulendo wa banja lachilendo kupita kumalo achilendo ndikusangalala ndi nthawi yabwino limodzi.
8. Onani zaluso ndikukulitsa zokonda
Pali anthu ambiri omwe amangosankha okha ndipo samaphonya kugonana. Amagwiritsa ntchito mphamvu zawo zakugonana kuzinthu zopanga luso, zopindulitsa kapena kuwononga nthawi yochita zosangalatsa zatsopano. Njira imodzi yokhalira m’banja lopanda kugonana ndi kukhala wosangalala ndiyo kuchita zinthu zimene mumafuna nthawi zonse. Lowani nawo kalasi yophika kapena youmba mbiya kapena phunzirani chida choimbira. Phunzirani zaluso kapena lowani nawo gawo la tennis ndi mnzanu kuti mumve kuthamanga kwa adrenaline.
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9. Yambaninso kugonana
Kaya mungayambenso kugonana zimadalira chifukwa chomwe munasiya poyamba. Ngati zinali chifukwa cha kupanikizika kuntchito kapena chifukwa chakuti munatanganidwa ndi ana anu, ndiye kuti zikhoza kukonzedwanso poganiza kuti onse awiri akufuna kutero. Ngati zidachitika chifukwa cha zovuta zovuta monga mikangano yosalekeza, mavuto olumikizirana, ndi chidani chomwe chikanatenga ubale, ndiye kuti zikhala zovuta. Mwina ndi pamene muyenera kuonana ndi dokotala ndikuyesera kuthetsa nkhani zomwe zapangitsa kuti mukhale osagonana. Gulu la Bonobology la akatswiri ovomerezeka komanso odziwa zambiri amangodina kamodzi.
10. Nthawi yochoka m'banja lopanda kugonana
Pomaliza, ngati palibe chomwe chikuwoneka kuti chikuyenda bwino, mungafunike kuganizira zothetsa banja. Nthawi zina, njira yabwino yopulumukira m'banja lopanda kugonana popanda kunyenga ndikuchokapo. Zimasunga ubale wabwino popanda kuyambitsa kusweka mtima komwe kumabwera ndi chibwenzi chakunja. Ngati mukulimbana ndi zotulukapo zaukwati wopanda chiwerewere kapena mukuwona kuti kusagonana kukudya muubwenzi wanu ndikusandutsa cholemetsa chomwe mwakhala mukuchisenza kwa nthawi yayitali, ndiye kuti kuli bwino kuchokapo kusiyana ndi kukhalabe m'banjamo.
Ukwati wopanda kugonana ungakhale maziko a kusudzulana. Joie anati: “Ukwati umazikidwa pa kuvomerezana. Ngati inu ndi mnzanuyo simunafike pa mfundo imodzi, pemphani chisudzulo ngati simukufuna kukhalabe m’banja lopanda kugonana.
Kodi palibe chifukwa chochitira chinyengo? Inde, nthaŵi zina zimatero, pamene kupanda ubwenzi sikungabwezedwe ndi chikondi, ulemu, ndi chisamaliro. Izo sizimawiringula kubera ngakhale. An nkhani mu positi ya Huffington inati: “Ukwati ukhoza kukhala kwa nthaŵi yaitali popanda kugonana ngati anthu onse sakuvutitsidwa ndi kusowa kwa kugonana m’miyoyo yawo,” anatero katswiri wodziŵa za kugonana Celeste Hirschman, mlembi wina wa Kupanga Chikondi Chenicheni: Buku la Intelligent Couple la Ubwenzi Wosatha ndi Kukhudzika.
"Kwa anthu ena, kugonana si chinthu chofunika kwambiri, koma kwa ena kumakhala kokwera kwambiri, monga momwe zimakhalira zina zonse," adatero Celeste. Mofananamo, muyenera kusankha chimene chili chofunika kwambiri m’banja. Mukakhazikitsa zinthu zofunika kwambiri, mutha kupulumuka m'banja lopanda kugonana popanda chinyengo.
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Zopereka zanu sizikupanga zachifundo Mphatso. Zilola kuti Bonobology ipitilize kukubweretserani zidziwitso zatsopano komanso zaposachedwa pakufuna kwathu kuthandiza aliyense padziko lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.
Kubera m’banja ndi khalidwe lonyansa. Zimasonyeza kuti wachinyengo ndi wopanda khalidwe, wopanda manyazi, wodzikonda. Kuchokera ku mbali ya uzimu komanso monga mwa zipembedzo zosiyanasiyana, ndi zachiwerewere ndipo ndi tchimo. Anthu ena amachita zachinyengo poganiza kuti Mulungu sangagwire ngakhale pang'ono m'nthawi yamakono yoyendetsedwa ndiukadaulo. Wina akhoza kupusitsa ndi kuchititsa khungu dziko lonse pamene akubera koma kuiwala kuti amayankha ku chikumbumtima chawo chamkati. Munthu akhoza kupondereza chidziwitso chamkati mwaunyamata koma pamene akudutsa muukalamba akuyang'anitsitsa imfa, zochitikazi zimapangitsa moyo wake kukhala wosokonezeka & kupha munthuyo mkati mwa mphindi iliyonse ndi liwongo. Ndi nthabwala ngati wina akunena kuti amakonda mkazi kapena mwamuna wake koma amachita chinyengo chifukwa munthu sangachite chilichonse chomwe chimapweteketsa mwamuna kapena mkazi wake ngati amakondadi. Kubera kumbuyo & kuchita sewero kunyumba si chikondi. Zinyama zimadya, kumenyana, kukwatirana ndi kugona ngati anthu koma nyama zilibe karma ndi dharma, palibe mlandu komanso uzimu ndi chibadwa cha nyama. Koma nyama sizimachita sewero mosiyana ndi achiwembu omwe amachita sewero kunyumba akusunga zochitika pansi pa kapeti. Chifukwa chake ngati mwamuna kapena mkazi sali okondwa m'banjamo, lankhulani, kambiranani ndi bwenzi lanu koma ngati simungathe kuthetsa njira zina kuposa kuchita chinyengo. Tili ndi chosankha kaya tikufuna kukhala ngati nyama kapena munthu.