Ukuxhumana kabusha nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi ushadile kuyinto engacacile. Ungase uthinte noma uphendule umbhalo wabo othi 'isikhathi eside ungabonani' ngoba unomlando nalo muntu. Isifiso sokubambelela kulolo xhumano noma ukuluvuselela ngisho nangemva kweminyaka singokwemvelo. Kodwa njengoba kungenzeka ukuthi imizwa engaxazululwanga ingene kuleso simo, noma ngabe awuzizwa kanjalo ekuqaleni, kufanele ucabange isikhathi eside: Ingabe ukuhlangana kabusha nothando lwakudala olushadile nalo kuwumqondo omuhle?
Ukuze siqonde kangcono izingozi zokuphinde sixhumane nomuntu owayekade ekhona, sikhulume nodokotela wengqondo olulekayo Kavita Panyam (Iziqu zeMasters kuPsychology kanye nenhlangano yamazwe ngamazwe e-American Psychological Association. Ubelokhu esiza imibhangqwana ukuthi ixazulule izinkinga zobudlelwano bayo iminyaka engaphezu kwamashumi amabili.
Ezinye izingozi ezinkulu zokuphinda uhlangane nomuntu wakho wangaphambili lapho ushadile zifaka:
- Ukunamathelana okungahlosiwe nomuntu wangaphambili
- Ukwephulwa kokuthembana phakathi kwakho nomlingani wakho
- Ubudlelwano obungemthetho
- Imindeni ephazamisekile
- Ukudukisa owayekade
Ukuphinde Uxhumane Ne-Ex Ngesikhathi Sishadile - Elikushoyo Ngawe
Okuqukethwe
Abantu sebeyazi kakade ukuthi ukuphinda uxhumane nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi ushadile kungaba yisihluthulelo sokuvula ibhokisi likaPandora empilweni yakho. Ngisho noma kunjalo, izindaba zowesifazane oshadile ekhuluma nesoka lakhe langaphambili noma indoda eshadile exhumana nentombi yakhe yangaphambilini azivamile. Lapho ilangabi elidala libuya, abantu abaningi bakuthola kunzima ukungaphenduli ezindleleni zabo zokusheshisa, naphezu kokwahlulela kwabo okungcono. Eqinisweni, ngenxa yezokuxhumana kanye nobuchwepheshe, lokhu sekuba umkhuba ovame kakhulu kunangaphambili.
Ngakho-ke, uma ukhuluma nomuntu othandana naye esemncane, ngisho noma usuyazi imiphumela engaba khona, ithini ngawe? UKavita uthi, “Ukuxhumana kabusha noma ukukhuluma nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi nishadile kuncike kakhulu esimweni somshado.”
- Uma umshado ubona ukuntuleka kwemizwa, ngokomzimba, ngokomoya, ngokwezimali, noma ukusondelana ngokwengqondo, khona-ke umuntu wesithathu angangena kalula kulesi sigaba ukuze agcwalise lesi sikhala. Ngokuvamile, ezimweni ezinjalo, abantu bakuthola kulula ukuthemba nokuthembela kumuntu wangaphambili enivele nabelana naye uxhumano nezinga lokududuzana kunomuntu eningamazi nhlobo.
- Kunjalo nakubantu abazizwa benesizungu emshadweni wabo, bephila impilo sengathi basashadile. Ukushada nomuntu ozicabangela ngokweqile noma ukungabi nomlingani onomusa nozwela kungaba yizimbangela ezivame ukubangela lesi sizungu esingavula indlela yokuhlangana kabusha nomuntu wangaphambili.
- Siphinde sibone izimo lapho ilukuluku lokuthi 'yini ebingaba khona' liholela abantu ekuvuleleni abantu ababethandana nabo. Abakwazi ukubekezelela ukungaqiniseki kokungazi ukuthi izinto bezizokwenzeka kanjani ukube ubuhlobo babo obudala bube bukhona.
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Nokho, uKavita ukholelwa nokuthi lokho okushiwo ukuxhumana kabusha nothando olusemusha ngomuntu akukhona okwabanye ukwahlulela. Ekugcineni kuncike kulokho
- Abantu ababili abahamba ngaleyo ndlela
- Izimo zabo
- Futhi ikhono labo lokubhekana nemiphumela noma ukuphunyuka bengalimele ekuxhumaneni okunjalo
Ubungozi Bokuphinde Uhlangane Nothando Oludala Oshadile
Akuthathi okuningi ukuthi abantu bawele emgodini onogwaja wokuphinde baxhumane ne-ex ngenkathi beshadile. Ukwamukela isicelo sobungane noma ukungena kuma-DM womuntu, noma ngisho nokuhlangana nabangani abaseduze kuholela ku:
- Ixhuma kabusha
- Ukuthumela imiyalezo ebusuku kakhulu
- Ukuthandana okungenangozi
Uyazi okunye. Ukuxhumana kabusha nomuntu owayeshade naye eminyakeni embalwa kamuva kuletha isithembiso senduduzo kanye nenjabulo yokudlala ngomlilo. Kodwa-ke, ukuhlangana kabusha nomuntu owayeshade naye ngesikhathi ushadile kuletha nezingozi eziningi, ezivame kakhulu phakathi kwazo yilezi:
1. Ukusondelana ngokomzwelo okujulile
Uma uphinda uxhumana nomuntu wangaphambili, ingozi yokuthi lobo buhlobo buphenduke ngokushesha bube ukunamathelana okujulile ngokomzwelo ayinakweqiswa. Ngokusho kukaKavita, ezinye izimpawu ezibomvu ozitholayo exhumene ngokomzwelo ne ex oxhume kabusha nabo yilezi:
- Ukuthumela imiyalezo njalo nabo
- Ekhuluma ocingweni amahora amade
- Ukuphuthuma ukuphendula emibhalweni yabo ngokushesha
- Isidingo sokwabelana ngayo yonke imininingwane emincane yempilo yakho ne-ex yakho
- Ukunyonyoba ekamelweni/endlini yakho ukuze uthumele uthando olulahlekile
"Lona umuntu enivele ninobungane naye, ngakho akekho kini ozizwa enesidingo sokuthatha izinto kancane. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi sekudlule isikhathi esingakanani, ungaqhubeka lapho ugcine khona noma wakhe uxhumano olusha ngokusekelwe kulokho enabelana ngakho esikhathini esidlule,"
– Kavita Panyam, Uchwepheshe Wezengqondo Wezokweluleka
2. Ukwephulwa kokwethembana emshadweni
Kungase kube nemizwa eminingi ecashile edlalwayo lapho uhlangana kabusha nesithandwa sangaphambili ngenkathi ushadile noma ngisho nomlingani wakho owalandela, ongase ukhethe ukungayinaki ngoba ukuvuselela ukuxhumana nothando olulahlekile kuzwakala kumnandi, ngisho noma wazi ukuthi umlingani wakho wamanje ngeke akwazise lokho. Ukuphinde uhlangane nothando oludala olushadile kungaba ukwephulwa kokwethembana ebudlelwaneni bakho bamanje ngenxa yalezi zizathu ezilandelayo:
- Uzofihla izingxoxo nozakwenu wangaphambili kuzakwenu wamanje
- Ukuncika okungokomzwelo okwandisiwe kusithandwa sangaphambili kuzoholela ezinkingeni emshadweni wakho wamanje
- Ngisho noma kungamanga ngokungenzi, uzovala isici sokwethembana emshadweni wakho
- Injabulo yothando oluvuselelwe noma ezinye izizathu zesimo (njengomshado ongagculisi) ingase iholele ebudlelwaneni obungaphandle komshado
3. Ingozi yokuqomisana
Ingabe ukuphinde uhlangane nomuntu owake wathandana naye kuwumqondo omuhle uma amathuba okuthi kuholele ekuqomeni egcwele? Akunjalo uma owesifazane oshadile ekhuluma nesoka noma indoda eshadile exhumana ne owayeyintombi njalo iqala ngenhloso yokukhohlisa abashade nabo.
“Bangase bakwenze lokhu ngenxa yelukuluku noma ukuze balungise lokho okuntulekayo emshadweni noma ukuze babambelele engxenyeni yabo engasekho,”
– Kavita Panyam, Uchwepheshe Wezengqondo Wezokweluleka
Kodwa ukuphinda uhlangane nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi ushadile kufana nokuvuselela uthando olulahlekile. Ingozi iyanda futhi ingase ibangele inhlekelele uma:
- Noma yimiphi imizwa eyinsalela onayo ingase ize kuqala kunesinqumo sakho esiphusile
- Injabulo yokuqala yokukhuluma nothando oselunesikhathi eside lwalahleka ingaholela ngokushesha kokuthile okungokomzimba
- Ungase ufune ukubopha iziphetho ezixekethile zesikhathi esidlule futhi uvumele isilingo
- Ukuphinde uhlangane nomuntu oshade naye eminyakeni edlule ikakhulukazi uma usendaweni embi emshadweni wakho kungase kuholele ekutheni uthandana ne ex yakho
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4. Ukungahloniphi owakwakho
Ingabe uthando oludala lungavuselelwa? Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi impendulo yalowo mbuzo iyini, ukuzindla ngalokho ngenkathi ushadile kuwukungamhloniphi umlingani wakho wamanje. Ukukhuluma nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi ushadile noma ukuhlangana naye ngasese kuthumela umyalezo wokuthi awunelisekile ngomlingani wakho nomshado wakho. Imibuzo mayelana nokuthi yini ekwenze waxhumana noma waphendula nakanjani izovela ngesinye isikhathi. Uma ilangabi elidala likuthinta futhi uphendula, kungaba ukungamhloniphi umlingani wakho wamanje ngoba:
- Uzoxoxa ngemininingwane yobudlelwano bakho bamanje nomuntu wesithathu
- Lokhu kungase kubangele izithiyo zokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni bakho
- Ungase uzibe ukuxoxa ngezinto nomlingani wakho wamanje futhi esikhundleni salokho ukhulume kuphela nothando olulahlekile
- Ungase ungakwazi ukuyeka ukuqhathanisa uzakwenu wamanje kanye nowayekade ekhona
5. Umthelela emindenini
UKavita uthi, “Noma nini lapho kuvela indaba yokuxhumana kabusha nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi ushadile, abantu abaningi baphikisana ngokuthi uma umuntu engajabule ngomlingani wakhe wamanje, kufanele avele ahambe ayoqala kabusha. Kodwa-ke, ukuqeda umshado akulula neze ngenxa
- lwezezimali
- Social
- Nemiphumela engokomzwelo
Ezimweni ezinjalo, ukuzibandakanya nomuntu wangaphambili ngesikhathi ushadile kuzodala isibalo esiyinkimbinkimbi esithinta wonke umuntu ohilelekile:
- Abalingani abafanele
- Izingane uma zikhona
- Imindeni
Ikakhulukazi uma usathandana nomuntu owawumthanda ekuqaleni kodwa ushade nomunye umuntu, ukuphinda uhlangane nalowo muntu olahlekile kungaba yingozi emndenini wakho.
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6. Ukusebenzisana kwezezimali akuhambanga kahle
Ake sithi uxhumana nomuntu wangaphambili owabelana naye ubuhlobo obuqinile nobuseduze. Lowo muntu unendawo ekhethekile enhliziyweni yakho, futhi ingxenye yakho ingase isamethemba futhi imnakekele. Manje, uma lo muntu ecela ukuboleka imali noma ethembele kuwe ukuze akusekele ngezimali, ungase uthi yebo ngokwemvelo, ngaphandle kokucabanga ukuthi angase afune ukukukhohlisa.
"Amacala lapho abantu ababengashadile behileleka khona ezindabeni zezimali, lapho imali ishintshana futhi noma yiliphi iqembu lihluleka ukufeza isivumelwano salo, angaqhuma kabi. Ekugcineni, ukuhlangana kabusha nomuntu owayeshade naye ngesikhathi ushadile bese ukhohliswa imali kungaholela ekutheni abalingani bamanje bahileleke, futhi sonke isimo singaba sibi ngokushesha okukhulu,"
UKavita Panyam, Isazi Sezengqondo Sokweluleka
7. Ukunikeza owayekade ecabanga umbono ongalungile
Kuwe, ukukhuluma nomuntu owabelane naye ngokuqabulana kwakho kokuqala ekuhlanganeni kwakho kwesikole samabanga aphezulu kungase kube nje ukutholana phezulu, kodwa ithemba elingamanga lokuthi uthando lwakho olulahlekile lungathola izinkinga eziningi. Lapho izithandwa ezindala ziphinde zixhumane futhi omunye wabo use- umshado ongajabulisi, lokho abakulindele kungase kuhluke ngokuphelele.
- Okokuqala, ukubona ilangabi elidala ngemva kwesikhathi eside kungashiya owayekade ethandana naye ebuza ukuthi uthando lwakhe lwakudala lungavuselelwa yini
- Kodwa wena, selokhu nahlukana, ubufuna nje ukuhlala ungumngane nalo muntu
Ubuhlobo obusha obufana nalobu bungabangela izinkinga eziningi ngenxa yalezi zizathu, ikakhulukazi ngothando lwakho olulahlekile olungakwazanga ukuhlukana.
8. Umthambeka oshelelayo wokuqhathanisa njalo
Ake sithi uhlangana kabusha nothando lwakho lokuqala ngenkathi ushadile. Ngezindlela eziningi, umuntu usetha ibhentshimakhi yalokho okufisayo noma okubheka kubo bonke ubudlelwano bakho. Lapho usuphinde uhlangana nothando lwakho olwalahleka ngemva kweminyaka eminingi, ungase ungaliboni iqiniso lokuthi ubuhlobo owahlanganyela nabo kudala futhi lowo owayekade ewushade naye, cishe, usephenduke waba umuntu ongamazi ngempela.
Usolwazi wePsychology and neuroscience e-Concordia University e-Montreal, uJim Pfaus uthi umuntu ozwa naye i-orgasm yakho yokuqala, ikakhulukazi uma okuhlangenwe nakho kumnandi futhi kukhona ukuthinta okunothando njengokugonana okuhilelekile, angaqhubeka nokuchaza lokho okuthola kukhanga kukho konke ukuxhumana kwakho kwesikhathi esizayo.
Ngakho-ke, ngokuphinde uhlangane nomuntu oshade naye eminyakeni edlule, ungase ungakwazi ukuyeka ukuqhathanisa umlingani wakho wamanje nothando lwakho olulahlekile. Njengoba unakho konke izimpawu zokuthatheka futhi uwabuka ngamehlo ane-rose-tinted, maningi amathuba okuthi akhulise ukushiyeka okubonayo kowakwakho emehlweni akho, kukuqhubekisele phambili nihlukene.
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9. Ukuhlukana phakathi kwabashadile
Uma usuphinde wahlangana nothando lwakudala olushadile, ungase uqhubeke ukhulisa imizwa ngabo ngoba kukhona okushodayo ebudlelwaneni benu.
- Ukuntula ukusondelana
- Uzungu
- I-Monotony
- Ukukhokha
Izizathu zingaba ziningi. Manje njengoba lezi zidingo sezihlangatshezwa ngaphandle komshado wakho, ungase ungasazizwa isidingo sokusebenza ekuxazululeni izinkinga nomlingani wakho. Izinkinga ezinjalo zingaholela ekuhlukaneni okukhulu phakathi kwabalingani ngoba:
- Ungase ungakwazi ukuyeka ukuqhathanisa uthando lwakho olulahlekile nomngane wakho womshado, okungaholela ekulindelweni okungenampilo
- Lapho izithandani ezindala zihlangana kabusha, kungase kuholele ezinkingeni zokukhulumisana phakathi kwabashadile
- Uma usathandana nomuntu wakho wokuqala kodwa ushadile bese uqala ukukhuluma ne-ex yakho futhi, ukuthatheka kungase kukuholele ekutheni ushayele isithandwa sakho.
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Yebo, uma kubhekwa ukuthi owake waba yingxenye ebalulekile yempilo yakho, kungokwemvelo futhi kungokwemvelo ukucabanga ngaye njalo nje. Nakuba kungekuhle, ukucupha owayekade ekhona ku-inthanethi kungabhekwa njengokwamukelekayo. Kodwa noma yini engaphezu kwalokho ingenisa inkinga.
Ukuxoxa nomuntu owayeshade naye kungase kubonakale kuyisicelo esingenangozi. Kodwa uma kubhekwa ukuthi unomlando nabo futhi ungase ube nemizwa engaxazululiwe ngabo, kuhle ungakwenzi. Izinto zingashuba ngokushesha, zibeke umshado wakho engcupheni.
Ngaphandle-ke uma lowo owayekade ebuzwa kuwumuntu oke waxoxa naye kafushane kodwa wabelana ngomlando wobungani obude, beqiniso, futhi owakwakho ugcwele umcabango wokuthi bakhona empilweni yakho, kungcono ukugwema isilingo.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Ukubona ilangabi elidala ngemva kwesikhathi eside kungaholela ekuthembeleni ngokomzwelo, ezinkingeni emshadweni wakho wamanje, nasekuhlanganyeleni ngaphandle komshado.
- Uma ilangabi elidala lithintana nawe, kunengqondo ukwethembeka ngakho nozakwenu wamanje futhi ubeke imingcele ecacile nomuntu wakudala — uma ufisa ukujabulisa imilayezo yakhe
- Uma umuntu oyedwa esemshadweni ongajabulisi, okulindelwe ezingxoxweni kungase kuhluke kakhulu kubo bobabili abahilelekile
Imicabango Final
Okufushane futhi okufushane ukuthi uma ilangabi elidala likuthinta, lingavula ibhodlela lezibungu ezingalimaza umshado wakho futhi zikushiye udidekile ngokomzwelo. Ngaphandle kokuthi lowo owayengumlingani wakho kungumuntu obethandana naye isikhashana kodwa ohlanganyela umlando wobungane obude, obuqotho, futhi oshade naye evumelana ngokuphelele nombono wokuthi bangaba khona empilweni yakho, kungcono ukumqondisa.
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Ingabe Omakhalekhukhwini Nezinkinga Zobudlelwano Kuyahambisana?
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
