Chibwenzi Changa Sandikhulupirira - Nditani?

Tinali m’kalasi yophika buledi pamene mnzanga Betty anandifunsa kuti, “Mnyamata wanga sandikhulupirira chifukwa cha moyo wanga wakale, kodi ndiyenera kuda nkhawa? Ndinayankha kuti, “Kodi munayamba mwamvapo za keke yophikidwa ndi chosakaniza chimodzi chokha? Ayi ndithu. Mufunika mazira, ufa, batala, soda, shuga, ndi zina zotero, ndi uvuni wabwino, wogwira ntchito bwino. Mofananamo, ubwenzi wanu umafunikira zambiri kuposa chikondi kuti mupite kutali.

Kudalirana ndi chinthu chofunikira kwambiri pa ubale uliwonse wabwino. Ganizirani za banja labwino kwambiri lomwe mumalidziwa, lomwe limakhazikitsa zolinga za banja. Mwina achita khama kwambiri kuti afike pamalo amenewa muubwenzi wawo. Akwanitsa kuchita zimenezi chifukwa ubale wawo umamangidwa pamaziko a ulemu ndi kudalirana. Chifukwa chake, funso ndilakuti: kodi mungakhulupirire munthu amene sakukukhulupirirani, ndikumanga ubale wabwino komanso wokhalitsa ndi iye? Tiyeni tiyese kupeza yankho pokambirana ndi katswiri wa zamaganizo Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), yemwe ndi katswiri pa uphungu waubwenzi ndi Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, komanso kupeza njira yoyenera yothanirana ndi chibwenzi chomwe sichikukukhulupirirani.

Zifukwa 10 Zomwe Zingachititse Bwenzi Lanu Sakukukhulupirirani

"Kukhala pachibwenzi popanda kudalirana kungakhale ngati kukhala m'nyumba yamakhadi. Simudziwa nthawi yomwe ingasweke. Zingapangitse kuti mukhale ndi nkhawa komanso kuti mukumane ndi tsoka, ndipo simudziwa chomwe chingamupangitse mnzanuyo kukayikira," akutero Dr. Bhonsle . Koma n'chiyani chimayambitsa kukayikirana?

Funso lakuti, "Chifukwa chiyani bwenzi langa silikundikhulupirira?" akhoza kukhala ndi mayankho ambiri. Ndipo zifukwa zomwe zimayambitsa zizindikiro zomwe samakukhulupirirani sizingakhale zosavuta nthawi zonse. Tiyeni tiwone zifukwa zazikulu zomwe zimapangitsa kuti asakhulupirire munthu yemwe wasankha kukhala naye:

1. Ali ndi kudzikuza

Kudzidalira ndi khalidwe la munthu lomwe limatsimikizira maonekedwe ake. Anthu omwe amadziona kuti ndi otsika nthawi zambiri amavutika kuti adzipangitse kukhala ndi thanzi labwino ndipo amadalira kuvomerezedwa ndi ena kuti adzimve bwino. Izi zikhoza kuonekera mu maubwenzi monga kufunika nthawi zonse monopolize wokondedwa wawo kapena chikondi. Mwamuna wodzikayikira amasanduka bwenzi lopanda chitetezo. Izi ndi momwe zingawonekere:

• Anthu osatetezeka zimawavuta kukhulupirira ena ndipo zimawatengera nthawi yochuluka kuti ayike chikhulupiriro chawo mwa bwenzi latsopano. Zotsatira zake, ngakhale pang'ono pang'ono zimatha kumva ngati chinthu chachikulu
• Kusatetezeka kungayambitse nsanje, yomwe imabwera chifukwa cha mantha okana kukanidwa
• Zingayambitsenso chikhalidwe cholamulira, chomwe chimachokera ku kufunikira kwakukulu kopewa kusatsimikizika mu chiyanjano. Izi zimachokera ku mantha osowa chochita.
• Kusatetezeka kungawonekerenso ngati lingaliro loti sakuyenera kukhala ndi ubale wabwino
• Kuchita ndi chibwenzi chosatetezeka zingakhale zovuta, koma ndi kuleza mtima ndi chifundo mukhoza kumuthandiza kuthana nazo

2. Akunyozedwa

Ndi zotheka kuti iye kukhala gaslighted ndi munthu amene sakufuna inu awiri kukhala pamodzi, monga nsanje bwenzi, kapena wakale. Mwayi woti izi zichitike umakhala wokulirapo ngati ali wopupuluma kapena wodzikayikira.

• Zindikirani ngati atchulapo munthu wina akumuuza kuti mwachita zinthu zomwe sali bwino nazo. Ngati ndi choncho, kambiranani ndi chibwenzi chanu. Ngati n'kotheka, funsani munthuyo ndi kumupempha kuti abwerere
• Palibe vuto kumupatsa umboni kuti achepetse nkhawa zake pakadali pano, koma nthawi yomweyo muwonetseni kuti si njira yothetsera nthawi yayitali ndipo mumayamikira zachinsinsi chanu.

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3. Akuganiza kuti ndiwe wabwino kuposa iye

Aliyense pa pulogalamu yotchuka ya The Big Bang Theory , nthawi zambiri ankaseka za Leonard kukhala ndi Penny ngati chibwenzi chifukwa anali wosiyana kwambiri ndi anzake. Izi zitha kukhala vuto ndi chibwenzi chanu.

• Kodi mumaonedwa kuti ndinu owoneka bwino kapena opambana kapena ochita bwino kuposa bwenzi lanu? Mwayi wake, kusiyana pakati pa magulu omwe inu ndi bwenzi lanu muli nawo kungakhale chifukwa cha kukhulupirirana kwake
• Amavutika kuti alowe m'dziko lanu, amaganiza kuti aliyense akulankhula kumbuyo kwake, ndipo muyenera kumulimbikitsa nthawi zonse.
• Ngati muwona zizindikiro izi, mutsimikizireni. M’kupita kwa nthawi adzatha kusiya maganizo amenewa

4. Muli ndi nkhani zodzipereka

Ngati chibwenzi chanu chikuyenda mofulumira kuposa inu muukwati, angayambe kukayikira zolinga zanu. Anthu nthawi zambiri amakayikira chikondi cha mnzawo akazindikira kuti mnzawoyo angakhale ndi mavuto okhudzana ndi kudzipereka.

• Kodi nthawi zambiri amakuuzani kuti simukunenabe kuti “ndimakukondani” kapena mumakonda kugwiritsa ntchito “Ine ndi mnzanga” m'malo momati “ife”? Kodi nayenso amakuvutitsani kuti mukumane ndi ex?
• “Ngati ndi choncho, muyenera kukambitsirana chifukwa chake mukuchedwetsa ndi kuyesa kupeza njira yapakati,” Dr. Bhonsle akulangiza motero Dr.

5. Akalumidwa, amanyazi kawiri

Ngati wina sakukukhulupirirani popanda chifukwa, angakhale kuti anachitiridwa chigololo. Ali ndi katundu wokhudzidwa kuchokera ku maubwenzi apambuyo omwe sanapambane, ndipo chifukwa cha izo, nthawi zambiri amakukayikirani kuti mukuyang'ana amuna ena kapena kukhala nawo chidwi.

• Sakonda kulankhula za maubwenzi ake akale kapena kukamba za iwo moyipa kapena mokwiya. Zitha kuwoneka ngati sanapitebe
• Amayamba chifukwa cha mawu kapena zochitika zina zomwe zimamukumbutsa za wakale wake
• Muyenera kumukhazika pansi ndikumufotokozera kuti salinso pachibwenzi ndipo akuyenera kupitiriza

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6. Waona kusakhulupirika pafupi

N’kuthekanso kuti waonapo mmodzi mwa makolo ake akunyengerera mnzake. Ubwana womvetsa chisoni nthawi zambiri umakhala chifukwa chomwe anthu amayamba kukhulupirirana.

• Iye walowetsa mkati kuti makhalidwe ena amagwirizana nawo kusakhulupirika, monga kuthera nthawi yochuluka kuchoka kunyumba kapena kuchoka pa gridi. Ukachita zimenezi, chikumbumtima chake chimawagwirizanitsa ndi kusakhulupirika
• Ndikofunika kukhala oleza mtima komanso olimba panthawi imodzimodzi ndikudziwitsa mnzanuyo kuti akuyenera kugwiritsira ntchito katundu wake wakale kuti asapitirire kusokoneza moyo wake wamakono ndi wamtsogolo.

7. Kulephera kwake kukudalirani kungayambike m'moyo wanu wakale

Kodi mukulimbana ndi nkhani yodziwika bwino yakuti “chibwenzi changa sichikundikhulupirira chifukwa cha zakale zanga”? Izi zitha kuchitika ngati adakupezani mukumunyenga kale, kapena akudziwa za izi ngakhale mukuganiza kuti sakudziwa za izi. N'zothekanso kuti akudziwa kuti simuli okhulupirika kwa wina ndipo izi zikuyambitsa mavuto pakukhulupirirana kwake.

• Dr. Bhonsle anati: “Ngati munachita chinyengo kapena munali pa chibwenzi, muyenera kuyesetsa kuti muzikhulupirirana. 
• Pewani kuchita zinthu mwaukali ndi chibwenzi chanu. Ili lingakhale yankho la kulira kwakuti, “Mnyamata wanga sandikhulupirira chifukwa ndinanama.” Mwachitsanzo, kuyesa kumuchititsa nsanje mwa kukopana ndi ena. Izi ndi zidule zachibwana zomwe zimawononga ubale wanu. Ikani pamwamba pa izi, chitani bwino, ndikukhala chithandizo cholimba cha theka lanu labwino
• Ndizotheka kutero konza zinthu chikhulupiliro chitatha kamodzi. Chinthu choyamba chabwino ndikukwaniritsa malonjezo anu. Zochita zanu ndi mawu anu zikhale zogwirizana

8. Chibwenzi chafika povuta

Nthawi zina zinthu zing'onozing'ono, monga kuyiwala kulemba "usiku wabwino" zimatha kuyambitsa kusamvana kwakukulu. Choyenera kumvetsetsa apa ndikuti sichinthu chimodzi chokha chomwe chidayambitsa kukayika kwa bwenzi lanu, koma kupitilira kwazinthu zingapo zazing'ono, zosafunikira. 

• Kodi mumavutika kukhala ndi wina ndi mnzake popanda kukangana kapena kukhala chete?
• Angela, yemwe ndi wabizinesi yaing’ono wa ku Austin, anatiuza kuti: “Sindingaulule kwa bwenzi langa za mavuto abizinesi popanda kunena mawu achipongwe kwa mnyamata wanga ponena za mmene zinthu zinalili pa nthawi imene ankasamutsidwa m’nyumba za anthu oleredwa. Ichi ndi chitsanzo chaching'ono chabe cha momwe nkhani zodalirika zimakhalira mozungulira

9. Akukunyengezani

Munganene kuti zimafunika munthu wachinyengo kuti adziwe chimodzi. Sizili zopanda maziko kotheratu. Akatswiri a zamaganizo amati ndi kusamutsa chibwenzi. Angakukayikireni kuti ndinu wosakhulupirika chifukwa chakuti ali pachibwenzi ndi munthu wina.

• Mutha kumuwona akuyang'ana pazokambirana zanu kapena kudzera m'mameseji anu, pomwe akufuna kuti mukhale ndichinsinsi.
• Akufuna kuyang'anira mbali zonse za moyo wanu, ndipo mutsala pang'ono kudzifunsa kuti, "Kodi kugawana malo kuli bwino muubwenzi?" Chabwino, ngati ndi pamene inu muli, dziwani kuti muyenera kutero jambulani mzere pakati pa chikondi ndi chinsinsi m'mabwenzi
• Akuwoneka kuti akupanga mkangano waukulu za "kukugwirani", ndipo mumayamba kuyenda pazigoba za mazira momuzungulira
• Iyi ndi njira yoti musamaganize kuti akukunyengani

10. Ali ndi matenda amisala

Ngati wina sakukhulupirirani popanda chifukwa, ndizotheka kuti ali ndi vuto lamalingaliro lomwe limasokoneza zenizeni kwa iwo, ndikupangitsa kuti zikhale zovuta kuti akhulupirire anzawo. Matenda otere nthawi zambiri sadziwika, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti zikhale zovuta kuwathetsa.

• Kusokonezeka maganizo monga kusokonezeka maganizo kumapangitsa munthu kuzindikira zokumana nazo zomwe sanakhalepo nazo. Zinyengo zimenezi n’zamphamvu kwambiri moti ngakhale umboni wotsutsana ndi zilakolako zoterezi umalephera kutsimikizira munthuyo kuti akhoza kukhala ndi vuto.
• Ngati akuwonetsa zizindikiro za kusakhulupirira kapena kunena, "Sindikukhulupirirani", koma zifukwa zake zikuwonetsa PTSD kapena paranoia, ndi chizindikiro chakuti muyenera kukaonana ndi katswiri.

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Kodi Ndingatani Ngati Chibwenzi Changa Sandikhulupirira? 

Funso ili si lachilendo monga momwe mukuganizira. Nkhani zokhudzana ndi kudalirana muubwenzi ndizofala monga momwe Santa Claus amakhalira pa Khirisimasi. Anthu ambiri adayendapo munjira iyi musanavulale inu ndipo adatuluka osavulala - inunso mudzakhala bwino! Tikukupemphani kuti muyankhe upangiriwu mwanzeru. Pumirani mpweya pang'ono pamene tikuyandikira funso la nthawi - choti muchite ngati mnzanu sakukukhulupirirani?

1. Funsani chiyani ndipo chifukwa chiyani

Dr. Bhonsle anati: “Kukhulupirira ndi mawu ofala kwambiri kotero kuti chinthu choyamba kuchita ndicho kutsimikizira kuti ndi mbali iti ya umunthu wanu imene simukukukhulupirirani. Kodi iye sakukhulupirira chiyani ponena za inu? Kodi ndi zizoloŵezi zanu zachuma, kodi ndi mmene mumachitira ndi mwamuna wina, kapena ndi kusagwirizana pakati pa zolankhula zanu ndi zochita zanu? Izi zikatsimikiziridwa, masitepe owongolera angatsatire.”

• Fufuzani chifukwa chake kukhulupirirana. Mwina anagwetsedwa pansi m’mbuyomo ndipo mbiri ya kuperekedwa ndi mtolo umene adakali nawobe. Mwina nkhani zake zowongolera zikuwonekera ngati nkhani zodalirika. Mwina amangochitira nsanje winawake pa moyo wanu. Kapena mwina ali ndi malingaliro akale oti akazi aziyankha kwa amuna
• Nthawi zonse pali kuthekera kuti kusakhulupirirana kwake sikuli kopanda maziko - kuti mwakhala mnzanu wosadalirika m'mbuyomu. Ganizirani mbiri ya ubale wanu ndikuwunikanso khalidwe lanu. Khalani mzimu wofuna kudziwa zambiri ndikuyang'ana mbali zosiyanasiyana za moyo wa chibwenzi chanu
• Muyeneranso kuganizira za ubwana wake ndi kuganizira zitsanzo zimene anakulira. Timatsanzira khalidwe lomwe tawonapo - ngati ali mwana wa banja loipa, ndiye kuti sanaone maubwenzi ambiri abwino pozungulira iye pamene anali kukula. Chifukwa chake, akhoza kulimbana ndi kudalirika komanso kudzipereka

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2. Lankhulani moona mtima

Kukhala pachiwopsezo komanso kumanga ubale wapamtima kumathandiza kwambiri kudalirana. Dr. Bhonsle akuti, "Kuthetsa mavuto kumayamba ndi kulankhulana. Lankhulani ndi mnzanu moona mtima ndipo muuzeni nkhawa zanu zonse. Uzani onse poyera ndipo mupatseni mpata woti nawonso akambirane." Mutha kugwiritsa ntchito njira zotsatirazi zolankhulirana kwa okwatirana.

• Kumbukirani kuti kumvetsera n’kofunika (ngati sichoncho) mofanana ndi kulankhula m’makambitsirano oterowo. Nthawi zonse ndi bwino kukhala ndi zokambirana zovuta m'malo mongoganiza
• Kumbukirani lamulo la chala chachikulu ichi - musaganize. Musaganize kuti mukudziwa mmene zinthu zilili pa moyo wawo
• Nthawi zonse mukamalankhula mbali yanu, lankhulani ngati mukufotokozera mwana wazaka 11. Fotokozani zonse ndikugwiritsa ntchito ziganizo zosavuta, zazifupi. Khalani olunjika ndi kupewa mafanizo kapena mafanizo ovuta, chifukwa amasokoneza tanthauzo

3. Funsani thandizo la akatswiri

Kukhala wokwanira ndi khalidwe lochititsa chidwi kwambiri limene munthu angakhale nalo. Koma nthawi zina timangoyenera kuvomereza mfundo yakuti pali zinthu zimene sitingathe kuzilamulira. Zikatere, ndi chanzeru kufunafuna thandizo kwa akatswiri omwe angatitsogolere pazovuta zomwe zili muubwenzi. Ndi njira yomwe muyenera kuganizira ngati muli ndi vuto lakukhulupirirana muubwenzi ndipo simukudziwa choti muchite.

• Dr. Bhonsle akufotokoza kuti: “Nthaŵi zonse pamakhala zifukwa zokulirapo za kusakhulupirirana kwa munthu. Ndipo izi n’zimene katswiri aliyense wa zamaganizo angayambe.
• Mutha kuganizira uphungu wa maanja ngati kusakhulupirirana muubwenzi kukukulirakulira. Ku Bonobology, timapereka thandizo la akatswiri kudzera mwa alangizi athu ovomerezeka ndi othandizira

4. Khalani ndi malire pa ubale

Ngakhale kukhulupirirana kumangokhudza kumasuka komanso kuwonekera, simukufuna kupitilira malo omwe bwenzi lanu lili (kapena mwanjira ina). “Koma ndingatani ngati chibwenzi changa sichikhulupirira chilichonse chimene ndinganene,” mukufunsa? Njira yabwino ndiyo kusunga ziyembekezo zenizeni za wina ndi mnzake. Mwachitsanzo, mungamuuze komwe mukupita komanso ndi ndani koma sangakuimbireni foni ola lililonse ndikufunsa komwe muli.

• Chifukwa cha inu nonse, dzilimbikitseni, ndipo fotokozani chovomerezeka ndi chosavomerezeka. Ngati wanu ubwenzi ndi ex zimamuvutitsa, mutha kukhala kutali ndi wakale; koma chibwenzi chanu sangathe fufuzani pa chikhalidwe TV wanu ndi kupeza macheza anu
• Kukhazikitsa malire a ubale wabwino ndikofunikira kuti mupewe mikangano yoyipa pazinsinsi. Muyenera kuchita zonse zomwe mungathe kuti mumutsimikizire, koma sangalowe m'malo anu kuti athetse kukayikira kwake. Ngati achita izi, akuwonetsa makhalidwe a chibwenzi chapoizoni
• Dr. Bhonsle anati: “Lembani mzere umene zochita za mnzanuyo sizikugwirizana ndi mfundo zimene mumayendera kapena zikhulupiriro zanu.

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5. Mungamupangitse bwanji kukhulupirira kuti simungamusiye? Sonyezani chifundo ndi kuleza mtima

Shinja, mphunzitsi wa ku Alaska, anati: “Ndinauza dokotala wanga kuti bwenzi langa silindikhulupirira chifukwa ndinamunyengerera kamodzi.” Sizinatanthauze kanthu ndipo ndinachita usiku umodzi wokha. Mwina ali ndi nkhawa kuti mtsogolomu adzanditaya chifukwa cha mwamuna wina.

Ngati bwenzi lanu sakukhulupirirani chifukwa cha zomwe mwachita kuti adzimve kukhala wosatetezeka, izi ndi zomwe muyenera kukumbukira:

• A kusowa chifundo mu ubale akhoza kuwononga msanga. Yesani ndikuwona zinthu monga momwe wokondedwa wanu amawonera - izi ziteteza kukhumudwa, mkwiyo, kapena kuwawidwa mtima kuti zisakule mu mtima mwanu.
• Khalani oleza mtima ndi mnzanu wofunikira, mupatseni nthawi yokwanira, makamaka ngati kulephera kukukhulupirirani kumayambitsidwa ndi zolakwa zanu. Lingaliro lakuti “Chibwenzi changa sichindikhulupirira chifukwa ndinamunyengerera”, tinganene kuti “sanandikhulupirirebe”

6. Kodi mungakhulupirire munthu amene sakukhulupirirani? Ganizirani zomwe mungasankhe

Ubwenzi wopanda kukhulupirirana si wabwino. Ngati vutoli likupitilira, mungafune kuganizira zomwe mungasankhe pofunsa mafunso angapo ofunikira.

1. Kodi ubale ukupita kuti ngati zizindikiro zomwe sakukhulupirira sizikutha ngakhale mutayesetsa? 
2. Kodi mungakhale pachibwenzi ndi munthu amene sakukhulupirirani?
3. Kodi mudzakhala osangalala ngati mutasiyana ndi wokondedwa wanu?
4. Kodi pali mwayi uliwonse wodzitukumula kuchokera kumapeto kwake?

Zowonadi, mutha kusankha chimodzi mwa zinthu zitatu mutafunsidwa funso lakuti, “Mutani ngati wokondedwa wanu sakukukhulupirirani?” – kupitiriza ndi chibwenzi chanu, kupumirana, kapena kuthetsa chibwenzi.

• Yoyamba imakhala yomveka ngati ali wokonzeka kuchita ntchito ya grunt kuchokera kumbali yake. Ngati adzipereka kuti athetse vutolo, zinthu zidzayenda bwino m’kupita kwa nthawi
• Chisankho chachiwiri ndichabwino ngati mukungofunika kupuma kuti muganizire zinthu. Kupuma kwa iye kungakuthandizeni kuona zinthu moyenera. Mutha kusankha ngati chiyanjanitso chili patebulo
• Kusudzulana ndi njira yopitira ngati ubalewo ukhala vuto ndikukusokonezani. Ngati ndi nthawi zonse magwero a nkhawa ndi nkhawa, chinachake cholakwika. Ndi bwino kumasiyana vuto lisanakule. Muyeneranso kusiya nthawi yomweyo ngati chibwenzi chanu chikuwonetsa zizolowezi zachipongwe potengera nkhani zokhulupirira. Ditto ngati mukuyatsidwa kapena kuchitiridwa nkhanza kunyengerera mwachikondi mu chiyanjano. Unikani ubwino ndi kuipa kwa njira iliyonse kuti muthe kupanga chisankho choganiziridwa bwino        

Kodi mungakhale pachibwenzi ndi munthu amene sakukukhulupirirani? Inde, inde kapena ayi. Simunganene kuti, “Ndikhulupirireni” ndikuyembekeza kuti kudalirana kuphuke. Ngakhale kuti zikumveka ngati mawu wamba, kudalirana kuyenera kupezedwa. Pali zinthu ziwiri zazikulu zomwe mungachite zomwe zingapangitse mnzanuyo kukhala wosatetezeka pang'ono. Kupanga malo otetezeka kwa iwo ndiyo njira yothandiza kwambiri yomangira kudalirana muubwenzi. Komanso, simungayembekezere kusintha kuchitika usiku umodzi, choncho khalani oleza mtima ndi kupita patsogolo. Bwenzi lanu liyenera kubwera mofulumira. Mwatsoka, ngati vuto likadali, pali mwayi wochepa kwambiri kuti ubale wanu upitirire.

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