Momwe Mungapezere Mtendere Pambuyo Kuberedwa - Malangizo 9 Ochokera kwa Wothandizira

Taganizirani izi: mwangozindikira kuti mwamuna wanu anakunyengani ndi wantchito mnzake pamene munali ndi pakati chaka chatha. Ndipo muli pansi m'matayala, kuyesa kupulumutsa zomwe zatsalira pa ubale wanu. Mwakhumudwa ndipo mwathedwa nzeru. Mphindi ina mumamva ngati mukufuna kukhululukira mwamuna wanu ndi kukhazikitsa mtendere ndi vutolo, pamene lotsatira, mumamva ngati mukufuna kudula maubwenzi ndi kumuphunzitsa phunziro lokhala ndi chibwenzi kumbuyo kwanu. N’kwachibadwa kudzimva kukhala wosadziŵa chochita ndi momwe ungakhalire mwamtendere pambuyo pa kuberedwa! 

Ndipo mwafika pamalo oyenera ngati mukukumana ndi mavuto otere. M'nkhaniyi, tiwona zotsatira za kunyengedwa ndipo tidzapeza momwe mungathanirane ndi vutoli. Mlangizi wa maubwenzi Dhriti Bhavsar (digiri ya Master mu Psychology, yokhala ndi ukadaulo mu Clinical Psychology), yemwe ndi katswiri paubwenzi, kutha kwa chibwenzi, komanso uphungu wa LGBTQ, atithandiza kufufuza njira zokhazikitsira mtendere ndi kunyengedwa. Ndiye, kodi muyenera kukhululukira munthu wonyenga? Tiyeni tifufuze mozama kuti timvetse…

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Zotsatira Zakuberedwa

Kodi kunyengedwa kumamveka bwanji? Ndipo kodi zimakhala zovuta bwanji kwa anthu omwe amakondabe mkazi kapena mwamuna wawo wonyenga ? Kodi zimapangitsa mwamuna kumva ngati wadzimbidwa? Kodi mkazi amamva bwanji akanyengedwa? Umu ndi momwe wogwiritsa ntchito Reddit amanenera za zomwe adakumana nazo: "Ndasankhidwa kukhala mwamuna yemwe mkazi wake adamunyenga ndipo adamusiya kuti akakhale mwamuna wina. Sindinkafuna kuchita izi, koma ndili pano, ndisankhidwa kukhala mtsogoleri. Chilichonse chasambitsidwa ndipo chatuwa, ndikanagona tsiku lonse ndikanatero. Ndimaopa kudzuka, nthawi zonse zimayamba ndi zenizeni za mkhalidwewo, malingaliro ndi zithunzi zosokoneza. Kusakhulupirika kumawononga kwambiri operekedwa, ndimadabwa ndi omwe amatha kumanganso ndikupita patsogolo."

Tisanafufuze za momwe tingapezere mtendere pambuyo pa kuberedwa, tiyeni tione mmene kubera kumakhudzira anthu amene akulandira. Katswiri wathu Dhriti watchulapo zotsatirapo zingapo za kuberedwa, kutengera momwe amachitira ndi makasitomala ake. Nawa akupita:

1. Zimachepetsa kudzidalira

Kunyengedwa kumachepetsa kudzidalira kwa munthu kwambiri. Dhriti akuti, “Mungadzipeze mukukayikira zomwe munalephera kapena zomwe munalakwitsa muubwenzi, zomwe pamapeto pake zimapangitsa kuti mudzione ngati ndinu wofunika.” Choncho, pazochitika zotere, mungayambe kukayikira:

• Kudzipereka kwanu ku chiyanjano
• Maonekedwe anu 
• Nzeru zanu
• Mphamvu zanu zakugonana
• Mkhalidwe wanu wachuma

Umu ndi momwe kusakhulupirika kumakhudzira mkazi komanso mwamuna.

2. Zimasintha kudalira kwanu

Ndiye mkazi amamva bwanji atagwiriridwa? Kodi munthu amakumana ndi chiyani akagonekedwa? Dhriti anati: “Kunamizidwa kumakupangitsani kukayikira mnzanuyo komanso maganizo anu (komanso anthu ena amene ali pafupi nanu). Zimakusokonezaninso kudziwa kuti chidaliro chanu chinatengerapo mwayi ndipo mutha kuthana ndi kuopa kubedwanso. 

Kotero, mutha kukhala munthu wokwiya, wopanda mphamvu yokhulupirira wina . Kuphatikiza apo, mavuto amisala monga nkhawa ndi chinyengo zimayendera limodzi. Chifukwa chake, mutha kukumana ndi zovuta zazikulu mutanyengedwa nthawi iliyonse mukakumana ndi vuto lomwe muyenera kukhulupirira wina.

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3. Mutha kukulitsa mkwiyo ndi kuwawidwa mtima

Dhriti amakhulupirira kuti, "Munthu wina akakunyengererani, pamakhala malingaliro opanda chilungamo pa chinachake chopweteka kwambiri chomwe chikukuchitikirani. Ndipo izo mwachibadwa zimatsogolera ku mkwiyo kwa munthu amene akuyambitsa ululu umenewo (komanso kwa inu nokha, chifukwa chowapatsa mphamvu kuti akupwetekeni). Potsirizira pake, zimasanduka zowawa ndipo zimasonyezedwa monga kusakaniza kwa mkwiyo ndi chisoni chachikulu, zomwe zimakhala zovuta kwambiri pazochitika ziwiri zomwe zimanyengedwa. 

Ndipo tikugwirizana kuti umu ndi momwe kusakhulupirika kumakhudzira mkazi kapena mwamuna. Wogwiritsa ntchito Reddit adakumananso ndi zomwezi: "Ndikufuna kusiya mkwiyo/mkwiyo womwe uli mwa ine chifukwa chodziwa zina mwa kusakhulupirika kwake. Koma ndikuganiza kuti ndi kusadziwa kuchuluka kwa kusakhulupirika komwe ali nako ndi zina zomwe zimapangitsa mkwiyo/kukwiya komwe kumakhala mkati mwanga ngati makala oyaka moto akuyembekezera kuyakanso. Ndimadana ndi kukwiya. N'kotopetsa kwambiri."

4. Waponyedwa m’kukayikakayika

Chimodzi mwa zotsatira zoipitsitsa za ululu wa kusakhulupirika ndi chakuti mnzako amene wapusitsidwa amakankhidwa kuti asadziwike. Dhriti akufotokoza kuti: “Mumataya chitetezo chimene munali nacho poyamba ndi mnzanuyo. Izi zitha kuwononga kwambiri mapulani anu amtsogolo. Kotero, inu mukhoza kukhala:

• Kusunga ndalama kuti mukondwerere a chiyambi cha ubale, ndipo tsopano ndiyenera kusiya lingalirolo
• Kukonzekera kugula nyumba yatsopano pamodzi ndipo tsopano muyenera kubwerera mmbuyo
• Kukonzekera kusiya ntchito yanu kuti muzisamalira ana, ndipo tsopano mungafunike kuganiziranso dongosolo lanu

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5. Mumamva kuwawa kwambiri m'maganizo

Kafukufuku wasonyeza mobwerezabwereza momwe kusudzulana kumakhala kovuta ndipo nthawi zambiri kumabweretsa malingaliro oipa komanso kumva kupweteka kwenikweni. Ndipo ngati mwapatukana ndi mnzanu mutanyengedwa, malingalirowo amakhala chimodzimodzi.

Dhriti akuti, "Ndife olimba kuti tigwirizane, ndipo kutaya chiyanjanochi nthawi zambiri kumakhala kowawa kwambiri chifukwa ubongo wathu umakhudzidwa ndi ululu umenewu mofanana ndi momwe umachitira ndi ululu wakuthupi. Ndiko kutaya kugwirizana, kugwirizanitsa, kutsimikiziridwa, ndi chitetezo. 

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Ndiye, tsopano popeza mukudziwa momwe kubereredwa kumamveka komanso zotsatira zake, kodi mukudabwa momwe mungapezere mtendere mutaberedwa? Ndipo kodi muyenera kukhululukira wachinyengo? Ndipo chimachitika ndi chiyani chiwopsezo choyambirira chitatha? 

Umu ndi momwe wogwiritsa ntchito Reddit akufotokozera momwe adagonjetsera kunyengedwa: "...panali zopweteka m'mbuyomu chifukwa cha kunyengedwa, kundisiya ndikupita kwa ena, komanso chiwawa, chomwe sindinaganizepo kuti ndidzatha kuchithetsa patatha zaka miliyoni. Koma ndinatero. Ndipo zinatha pakapita nthawi. Chomwe chimandithandiza ndikufufuza CHIFUKWA chomwe anthu amabera, ndikuzindikira kuti vutoli lili mkati mwa IWO. Sikuti munthu winayo ndi wabwino kapena woyenera, kapena kuti inu simuli okwanira. Nthawi zambiri munthu amene wabera amakhala bwino m'njira zambiri poyerekeza ndi amene mnzake amabera naye. Ndikudziwa kuti sikwabwino kuyerekeza, koma nthawi zina zimathandiza kuona zimenezo."

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Njira ya aliyense yothanirana ndi vuto lalikulu monga kusakhulupirika ikhoza kukhala yosiyana. Palibe mantra yamtundu umodzi yomwe imagwira ntchito kwa onse ikafika pozindikira momwe mungathanirane ndi kuberedwa. Palibenso mankhwala amatsenga. Zomwe zimagwirira ntchito kwa munthu wina sizingagwire ntchito kwa wina. Komabe, kugwiritsa ntchito njira zina zathanzi kuti muchepetse ululu kungathandize. Dhriti amatipatsa malangizo asanu ndi anayi omwe amakuthandizani kuti mupite patsogolo pakufuna kwanu kuti mudziwe momwe mungapezere mtendere mutaberedwa:

1. Lolani kuti mukhale ndi malingaliro oipa

Dhriti akuona kuti: “Ndi bwino kufotokoza momasuka maganizo kapena maganizo alionse oipa amene akukuchitikirani, pamalo otetezeka ndiponso mwaumoyo.” Anthu ambiri amavutika mopanda chifukwa chifukwa amakhulupirira kuti “ayenera” kumva mmene akumvera osati mmene akumvera.

Ngakhale mungalimbikitsidwe ndi abwenzi kapena achibale kuti akukankhireni maganizo anu pansi pa kapeti, dzipatseni nthawi ndi malo kuti mumve zonse zomwe mukumva. Dzipatseni chilolezo kuti mumve kukwiya, kumva chisoni, kuchita manyazi. Izi zidzakuthandizani kutenga sitepe yoyamba yodziwira momwe mungapezere mtendere mutaberedwa.

2. Khalani ndi malire

Ngati simukudziwabe momwe mungathanirane ndi kuberedwa, iyi ikhoza kukhala yankho labwino. Musanasankhe funso loti 'mukhululukire wachinyengo', yesetsani kukhazikitsa malire okhwima. Dhriti akuti, “Ndikofunikira kuzindikira zosoŵa zanu ndi malire anu ndiyeno kuzikhazikitsa mwamphamvu ndi mnzanuyo.” Kukhululukira wachinyengo kumafunanso kuti muwadziwitse zomwe simuli bwino nazo. Umu ndi momwe mungathanirane ndi kuberedwa ngati mukufuna kupitiliza chibwenzi:

• Mutha khalani ndi malire malo aumwini, kupempha kukhala m'zipinda zosiyana kapena kutali ndi mzake mpaka mutapanga chisankho
• Mutha kupempha kumveka bwino kapena kutseka, kuwafunsa kuti afotokoze chifukwa chomwe adachitira zomwe adachita musanapite patsogolo
• Mutha kufunsa kuti pakhale kuwonekera kwakukulu muubwenzi, kumudziwitsa mnzanu kuti simudzavomera mabodza ndi zinsinsi. 

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3. Pewani kudziimba mlandu

Ndi zachibadwa mu nthawi zovutazi kudziimba mlandu:

• Osakhala bwino pabedi
• Osadzikongoletsa kuti aziwoneka bwino
• Osamvera zolankhula zawo 

Mukhoza kudziimba mlandu nokha ndikuyamba kudzilankhula molakwika chifukwa cha njira zachinyengo za mnzanu. Dhriti akuti, “Pewani kudziimba mlandu nokha. N’kutheka kuti panali kale mavuto okhulupirirana muubwenziwo mnzanuyo asanamupweteketse mtima chifukwa cha kusakhulupirika. Ndikofunikira kusiyanitsa pakati pa kutenga udindo pa nkhani inayake ndi kutenga mlandu chifukwa cha chinyengo.” Kumbukirani, chinyengo ndi chisankho.

4. Osathamangira kusankha zochita

Kukhululukira chibwenzi kapena chibwenzi chonyenga sikophweka ndipo sizingachitike mwadzidzidzi. Chifukwa chake, kumbukirani, palibe chifukwa choti mupange chisankho nthawi yomweyo. Ngati mukukayikirabe kuti, “Kodi ndikhale ndi wonyenga kapena ndichoke?”, Dhriti akulangiza kuti, “Pewani kupanga chisankho mwachangu, kapena chifukwa cha mkwiyo kapena mantha. Dzipatseni nthawi yokonza malingaliro anu musanachitepo kanthu kena.” Mwanjira imeneyi, mudzatha kupeza chomwe chimayambitsa kusakhulupirika kumeneku, komwe, kumapangitsa kuti zikhale zosavuta kudziwa momwe mungapezere mtendere mutanyengedwa.

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5. Dalirani dongosolo lanu lothandizira

Kuchira mukakumana ndi munthu wonyenga sikungakhale kophweka koma kukhala ndi nthawi ndi anthu apafupi nanu kumakuthandizani kwambiri pagawoli. Dhriti akuti, “Ndikofunikira kwambiri kukhala ndi njira yothandizira anthu. Izi ziyenera kuphatikizapo anthu omwe amakupangitsani kumva kuti ndinu otetezeka komanso osamalidwa. Ikhozanso kukhala njira yothandizira anthu amkati: zinthu ndi zochita zomwe zimakubweretserani chisangalalo, kukhutitsidwa, komanso kulumikizana. Chifukwa chake, pitirizani ndi:

• Lankhulani ndi bwenzi lanu lapamtima kapena banja lanu
• Pitani paulendo wotsitsimula nokha kapena yendani ndi anzanu
• Sangalalani ndi masewera olimbitsa thupi kapena muzichita zinthu zomwe mumakonda, monga kujambula, masewera, kapena kulima dimba
• Werengani buku laposachedwa kwambiri la wolemba yemwe mumakonda

6. Pezani thandizo la akatswiri

Ngati zonse zalephera, funsani katswiri wa zamaganizo kapena mlangizi wa ubale. Dhriti anati, "Katswiri wa zamaganizo wovomerezeka angakuthandizeni kulimbana ndi madera omwe amaletsa kusamuka ndikupangitsa kuti kuchira kwanu kukhale kosavuta mukatha kusudzulana chifukwa cha kusakhulupirika. Angathe kuthana ndi ululuwo mwanjira yabwino komanso yothandiza."

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Dziwani kuti matenda amisala monga nkhawa ndi chinyengo zimayendera limodzi. Nthawi zina, anthu amavutika maganizo akanyengedwa. Ndicho chifukwa chake ndikofunikira kwambiri kusamalira thanzi lanu lamisala. Mungaganizire zopita ku chithandizo cha maanja kapena kusankha chithandizo cha munthu payekha. Ngati mukuganiza zopeza thandizo, musazengereze kulumikizana ndi maupangiri a Bonobology.

7. Samalani ndi zomwe zimakupangitsani kudziona kuti ndinu wofunika

Dhriti anati, “Kusakhulupirika kwa mnzanu kumanena zambiri za iye kuposa inu. Ndikofunikira kusunga kudziona kuti ndinu wofunika komanso osadandaula ndi zomwe anthu angakuganizireni.” Pali mwayi woti mungavutike ndi vuto la kupsinjika maganizo pambuyo pa kusakhulupirika , choncho ndikofunikira kuti musalole kuti chinyengocho chikhale mkati mwanu. M'malo momvera mawu ang'onoang'ono omwe ali m'mutu mwanu omwe amanena kuti ndinu amene mwachita izi, chitsekereni mwa kukhala olimba mtima. Iyi ndi imodzi mwa njira zazikulu ngati mukudabwa momwe mungapezere mtendere mutanyengedwa.

8. Zilekeni

Ndikofunikira kutha kusiya zinthu zina, kaya mukukhululukira munthu wonyenga kapena kusiya chibwenzicho. Ngati mnzanuyo anakunamizani mopanda chisoni, yesani kusiya ndikuyang'ana pa inu nokha. Dhriti akuti, "Yesetsani kuvomereza ndikusiya. Khalani oleza mtima ndi inu nokha munjira iyi ndipo kumbukirani kuti kusiya ndi chisankho chomwe mumapanga kuti mukhale ndi mtendere wanu. Si chinthu chomwe muli ndi ngongole kwa wina. Ngati simukumva kuti mwakonzeka, simuyenera kukakamiza. Komabe, kuvomereza chochitikachi ndikofunikira kuti mupitirire nacho."

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9. Khalani ndi zochita zodzisamalira komanso kudzikonda

Musanapitirire ndi kukhululukira munthu amene wanyenga, pamafunika ntchito yambiri yamkati. Kumbukirani kudzisamalira nokha. Kuchira mutanyengedwa kumafuna kudzisamalira kwambiri. Dhriti akuti, "Kukula kwaumwini ndi zochita zodzisamalira ndizofunikira kwambiri pagawoli, makamaka pamene simukufuna kuchita nawo. Chodabwitsa n'chakuti, ndi pamene sitikufuna kudzisamalira tokha pamene tikufunikira kwambiri kudzisamalira." Iye akupereka njira zingapo zothetsera mavuto mutanyengedwa, ndipo zikuphatikizapo:

• Zofunikira pazathupi: Muzigona mokwanira komanso muzidya zakudya zopatsa thanzi. Pewani kudya zakudya zopatsa thanzi kapena kudya mongotengeka maganizo
• Zofunikira zachitetezo ndi chitetezo: Onetsetsani kuti mukukhala pamalo otetezeka. Tulukani m'nyumba mwanu ngati mukuona kuti simumasuka kukhala ndi wachinyengo kapena mukumva kuti mukuvutika maganizo pambuyo pokuberedwa.
• Zofunika: Onetsetsani kuti mwakhazikitsa kulumikizana ndi ena omwe akuzungulirani

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Ndiye, popeza mukudziwa momwe mungapezere mtendere mutaberedwa, tibwera ku funso lanu lotsatira, "Kodi muyenera kukhululukira wachinyengo?" Chofunika koposa, kodi maubwenzi amagwira ntchito pambuyo pa chinyengo? Dhriti amakhulupirira kuti: “Kusankha kukhalabe ndi munthu wachinyengo kapena kusiya chibwenzi pambuyo pa chibwenzi n’kovuta kwambiri. Zili choncho chifukwa chakuti ubwenzi uliwonse n’ngwapadera, monganso anthu amene amapanga unansiwo. 

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Komabe, akuganiza kuti muyenera kuganizira zinthu zingapo musanasankhe zochita mutaberedwa. Chifukwa chake, dzifunseni mafunso awa ngati mukuganiza, "Kodi ndiyenera kukhala ndi wachinyengo?"

• Kodi mnzanuyo akumva chisoni ndi zomwe adachita komanso akupepesa moona mtima?
• Kodi mnzanuyo akhoza kuyankha zochita zawo?
• Kodi mukuona kuti muli ndi mwayi wowakhulupiriranso? Kapena kodi kuopa kubedwa nthawi zonse kumakhala koopsa?
• Zidzatengera chiyani kuti muchiritsidwe? 
• Kodi mnzanuyo angakupatseni zomwe mukufunikira kuti mubwererenso muubwenzi kapena mgwirizano wanu udzakhala wochuluka maubale oopsa?

Kuti tikuthandizeni kupanga chisankho chokhwima komanso chodziwa bwino, taphatikiza mfundo zina kuti tiwonetse ubwino ndi kuipa kwa kukhalabe ndi wachinyengo ndikuchoka.

Ubwino ndi kuipa kwa kukhala

Kukhululukira munthu amene anakunyengererani mopanda chifundo sikophweka. Koma muyenera kupenda zabwino ndi zoyipa pankhaniyi:

Ubwino ndi kuipa kwa kuchoka

Ngati mukuganiza kuti yankho lakuti, “Kodi maubwenzi amagwira ntchito pambuyo pa kubera?”, ndi ‘ayi’ ndipo mukuganiza zomusiya mwamuna kapena mkazi wanu wachinyengo, apa pali zabwino ndi zoyipa za chisankho chotere:

Tsopano popeza mwawerenga nkhani yathu, tikukhulupirira kuti mwapeza chidziwitso chamtengo wapatali pa zotsatira za kunyengedwa, njira zothanirana ndi kunyengedwa, komanso ubwino ndi kuipa kwa kukhalabe kapena kusiya chibwenzi pambuyo pa kunyengedwa. Kumbukirani, n'zosavuta kuimba mlandu vuto ndikusiya, koma pamafunika kulimba mtima kuti mubwererenso ndikuyambiranso kukhulupirirana. 

Izi zikunenedwa, ndikofunikiranso kuzindikira kusalemekeza kapena kuwopsa komwe kuli mkati mwaubwenzi. Mukawona kuti ubale wanu sunakonzedwenso, omasuka kusiya. Lowani muubwenzi watsopano, ngati pakufunika kutero. Koma chitani mwakufuna kwanu. Kupita patsogolo ndikofunikira pakukula kwanu ndi mtendere.

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